Celebrity Big Brother 2014: The Final

I’ve strangely been drawn to this year’s Celebrity Big Brother like a wanking dogger to a Ford Focus smelling of Joop in the woods. Not proper addicted like in the grand old days of Dirk Fucking Benedict or even Vanessa Feltz, but if you were going to watch one documentary this winter about unsavoury people who haven’t worked for ages living in the same place – then surely this one beat Benefits Street in the reality stakes.

The remaining panto-rejects in the final consist of

A Cabbage Patch Doll with implants and extensions (Casey).

Stage School Rat Boy Dappy

Apprentice 2013 Arch Villainess or Cup Cake Entepreneur Just Keeping it Real? Luisa (or should that be Boo-eesa, given the crowd’s reaction to her name)

Rupert Everett with a personality bypass (Ollie)

The bastard child of Gillian Taylforth and Aqua Marina from Stingray (Sam)

The nation’s favourite cuddly bigot (Jim)

Emma Willis welcomes back the contractually obliged loser housemates through pissing down rain and jeers from the standard Big Brother crowd of arsehats. Only Liz Jones (dressed as a goth Una Stubbs) and dapper Lionel Blair eschew the standard issue clear plastic brolly and work it baby down the miserable damp cakewalk of shame.

There’s final House of Tools footage of the remaining clebs tucking into a Tesco Finest Last Supper and toasting each other with bland niceties (Casey and Sam), faux Hugh Grant declarations of lurve (Ollie to Sam), references to dead Dads (a very well scrubbed up Dappy) and graciously accepting the role of Politically Incorrect House Daddy whilst thanking god for telly shows (Jim). Apart from Luisa who manages to chuck in sharpened double edged compliments “Sam I thought you’d be dumb… Ollie, I thought you’d be a trustafarian.. I thought I’d hate Dappy.. but I didn’t.” before concluding that you should “judge a book by it’s cover”, despite the fact that most of the celebs in there would pre-judge a book as being dull and worthless simply by virtue of it looking like a book.

Out in 6th place is Casey who giggles her way cutely and apologetically through her exit interview garnering boos for Lidl Love Rat Lee Ryan and sighs from viewers despairing of her inability to realise she was being “mugged off” by the world’s shittest lothario until her mum came in to tell her. Her best bits consist of her flashing her tits or crying. A role model for young women everywhere.

Whilst Jim anticipates his depressingly almost certain victory by donning a baseball cap and pulling non comedy faces, Emma announces that in 5th place is (predictably) Sam, who after admitting that much of TOWIE is “edited” (no shit?) to create a narrative, then suggests she might have feelings for Ollie (presumably if Channel 5 can pay for them to do an in depth follow up on their magical “lurve” story).

The nation have decided they hate all women so out in 4th place is Luisa to a crescendo of twattish baying from the mob. “I don’t bullshit” declares the feisty yet slightly emotionally retarded Essex girl in that time honoured tradition of annoying people mistaking being a twat for “being honest”. She’s all non je ne regrette about having a pop at Ollie (he’s too “sensitive” and “wouldn’t say boo to a ghost” (?)) and her spat with Lionel (“He ate the FUCKING chocolates” she screeches, before promising a nervous about sweariness Emma not to drop the C bomb). That’s Luisa, as she herself says, she’s like marmite. Full of waste vegetable matter and yeasty?

So it’s down to the top 3, and bizarrely I find myself rooting for Dappy to win, despite him wearing shades indoors and shaking like a shitting dog. What world of wrongness have I entered?

In third place, tediously, it’s Ollie, fake tan dripping in the rain and hopefully dyeing the crowds trainers brown. He nice but dim’s his way through the obligatory chat with Emma, with his quiff going all flopsy when he talks about taking the “beautiful Sam” out for dinner (probably the only way he’d be taking her), before heading off to snort something expensive off a dwarves bottom with a bloke called Tarquin, or something.

So we’re down to the final two, and Jim’s smug face has somehow lasted almost 4 weeks without cracking.

And the winner is:

To nobody’s amazement.

Jim.

The nation has spoken and they like the way a reformed wife-beating racist misogynist gagsmith & crap sitcom-star Toryboy with a dash of 12 steps cod psychobabblosophy’s jib is cut. To be honest when I was about five I loved Jim Davidson. That was before I realised that the Chalky White character that made him the darling of 1970s telly was not actually about a man made out of chalk with a silly voice. I had quite a sheltered life.

Dappy stops eating his hand in anguish and, the pressure suddenly off, saunters casually to the runner’s up interview. I’ve haven’t seen someone look so relieved to come second since my wedding night. He’s still all arms and legs and stupid backwards baseball cap like Kermit the Frog crossed with Norman Wisdom via Mickey Pierce from Only Fools and Horses. “All I know is chickpeas and blooming tin tomatoes” he blusters twitchily, presumably spotting his dealer in the crowd . He’s still grieving for his dad and says he’s learned to separate the real him (Costas – that explains the shakiness, all that coffee) from Dappy. His highlights feature him being a twat in more hats than Jamiroquai could shake a jester’s bell at.

Jim emerges to a Nuremburg-esque blanket of quenelles and sieg heils. Well to cheers and, ironically, monkey noises. His quiet yet desperate joy as he senses a lifebelt being thrown to his career is oddly infectious. Surely a run of soul destroying Loose Women appearances awaits (one show that Jim could add a much needed liberal counterbalance to).

As the winner’s interview starts, I find myself at first rather nastily hoping for him to slip in a “nick nick” or say something utterly indefensible – just to see the horror on Emma’s lovely face, but annoyingly he does a good job. He refers to being “unavoidably detained” from appearing on the show last year (back when plod’s spell checker mistakenly branded him a rapist). “Truth will conquer all” Jim says sagely, still clearly smarting from the sex-pest allegations. I do enjoy his grumpy highlights (“Roll on death”, Big Brother: “How could this evening improve for you?” Jim: “I could die”). Given the performance and restraint he put in over the weeks, maybe he deserves his place in the Limelight of Channel 5 I start thinking, and then they show that clip of him stirring it up over vengeful banshee Linda Nolan’s dead husband (“Ask her about Frank Carson’s dressing room?”) and I remember he’s still a bit of an unpleasant twat. So still probably a fitting winner.

And that’s it for 2014’s Celebrity Big Brother – the year I shall always remember as being the one where, by default Liz Jones somehow became my favourite Housemate. And you can’t get weirder than that.

Best (most apt) quote of the series:

“I’m the only wanker looking like a fucking dickhead” – Lee Ryan

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: The Final. All bets are off

First published 23rd January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

The booing twatclowns have already gathered at a freezing Elstree whilst we watch the highlights of Day 21, where the housemates have had their last supper. “That  was the best meal I’ve had in ages,” smacks Terry in satisfaction, adding after a beat the ultimate Manc accolade to fine dining “I’m just going for a quick fag.”

Big Brother manage to edit a Bergman-esque scene of massively discomforting proportions between Verne and Ulrika, left stuck at the table by the departing smokers. Ulrika tries to make conversation (“Maybe you’ll get a NICE pudding.” Oh FFS Ulrika he’s not three!) before it collapses into silence, angry on Verne’s champagne gurning side, sad on Ulrika’s. She even takes to humming and sighing. It’s like a family visit to a senile gran. Of course it’s edited, as Big Brother later show Verne and Ulrika having a conversation, but for those few brief excruciating minutes of silence and sighs I bet Ulrika contemplated taking up smoking tabs. The housemates have a toast to their departed comrades (forgetting Lucy – ha!, and nearly forgetting LaToya except Verne lurves her), and Ben FINALLY shows some bollocks standing up to Coolio (“I don’t need to learn from the shit that comes out of your mouth”) before running away.

So it’s time for 5th place, and to my non-surprise it is Ben. Can’t believe the goons are booing, surely that’s equivalent to booing a pot of yoghurt or a coat hanger? After a perfectly nice and reasonably forgetful exit interview and best bits it’s time to release the housemate in 4th. To my HUGE SURPRISE it’s not so big Verne. Obviously sex baby doll gate has hit him harder than I expected, although mercifully the endemol rentagoon crowd bawlk at booing a dwarf. The audience chant “FIX! FIX! FIX!” whilst Davina patronisingly tries not to patronise the little fella (“I’m going to let you walk down there and get your picture taken” oh THANK YOU!). I suppose she really can’t help talking down to him, but it’s a bit sickie making and he can’t be arsed to play ball in the interview when he realises Channel 4 sent their shittest presenter to conduct it. She even starts gushing about his “new found celebrity” at one point, the thick cow. She also seems to be using every interview to slip in something about how Ulrika is really nice. This cuts no dice with Verne. “Sure Ulrika was bossy and took control of the house but that was good sometimes?” she digs desperately. “No.” insists Verne bluntly. We’re shown amusing clips of Verne being ritually stripped of any dignity he had (plus the doll-frenching incident WITH NO FUCKING WARNING – ugh!).

The audience deserve an act of terrorism tonight, so taken are they with shouting out like en masse retards. It’s down to third place, and back in line with my expectations as Coolio’s name is called, and he’s all ready to gangsta shuffle down the stairs, but amusingly they make him wait around in the house like a lemon whilst channel 4 show a newish shitcom. When Coolio finally emerges he’s booed by the hate mob (in fact all the top three are, unless they’re actually moos and the crowd is comprised of CJD victims), but he puts on a show bless him. He also manages to utterly pwn the increasingly useless Davina, turning it very much into da Coolio show, and getting in a bit of politics about his great granddad having been a slave. Which of course pales in significance next to Coolio’s CBB third place, what a journey indeed! He manages to potentially fuck up Terry by claiming that Man United fans have been voting for him (from Reading to Taunton), pretends to forget Ben’s name and tells how when Verne visits his house that his kids always want to play with him and he has to explain patiently that Verne is a grown man. Ha! Big Brother try to scupper him by showing Michelle’s teary face in close up throughout his interview and annoyingly HIS highlight clips (although they keep in his “bowling ball on legs” description of Tina – yay!)to remind the audience just what an evil bully he’s meant to be.  Coolio’s undeterred. “SHOCK ZULU” he yells triumphantly. “BOOOOOOO” go the crowd.

So it’s down to the final two, surely Ulrika can’t win. Oh yes she does and there’s a mini earth tremor from the nations collective jaw dropping. Even Ulrika can’t quite believe it. “It’s a fix!” she explains. Terry exits cheerfully in second place and the most consistently good natured and likeable housemate is still booed by some dickheads, whom he acknowledges with a chirpy wave and a “That’s really funneh!” No matter what people throw at Terry, you can just bet he’s had worse. He’s self deprecating and pleasant enough in his interview, where he reveals that he only brought in enough spare undies for a week, but seems a tad distracted and erm chemically enhanced. Predictably there’s BOOS when Davina brings up the fact that he compared Big Brother voters to thickos whilst under the influence of “a few sherberts” (“They kept cutting off my supply”). Sadly no boos when he says Tina was one of his favourite people in the house, there’s no justice. He starts describing his fellow housemates, and Davina points out they’re all sat nearby freezing their arses off. “I’ll say something nice about you all then” he laughs. Coolio reminded him of a friend who annoys everyone but whom he just finds “really funneh”, and he good naturedly points out that “it’s too late to start worrying” about being made to look a fool on national TV, before deciding to go for a drink (“Just to take the edge off” hmmm). His best bits are shown, reminding us that he’s the best housemate to not win Celebrity Big Brother, and of the wonderfully 1980s phrase “lob on” which I aim to introduce into as many conversations as I can in the near future.

So Ulrika wins having gained 57% of the final vote (eh?) and the fireworks fail to drown out the sound of bovine boos. Davina tries her best to look after the strangely vulnerable Swedish milf. It’s almost worth her winning for the look of stunned outrage on Coolio’s face, even as Ulrika has just complimented him on bringing energy to the house and Davina’s shrieked insanely “FANTASTIC HOUSEMATE!!!!” The crowd shout out something incomprehensible that sounds more like “Coolio” than “Ulrika” as the night fizzles out to a damp squib and I’m forced to consider turning over to watch Jonathan Woss for entertainment. So long and see you next year – if there is one.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009 ep 20 – Bugger, no one told me socialism was dead

First published 21st January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

OK I missed Wednesday night’s, but never mind they repeated the important things last night.

Coolio scmoozes with the er famous LaToya: “When I get back to LA I might get to meet Janet or Michael …. or TITO!” Give her credit, her beautifully manicured face doesn’t crack. They join each other on a stomach rending rendition of “Ben” – awww.

The housemates are given the opportunity to rise to secret dares given by Big Brother which are then broadcast to the rest of the house. Surely Coolio will be up for this first. Oh no it’s Terry, who has to lick the armpit of a man who looks like the spawn of Catherine Zeta Jones and a sumo wrestler earning himself a shiny new token (it’s just like “The Word” then. Whilst Terry shaves and bleaches his tongue Big Brother announces the second dare. Surely our man Coolio will rise to the cha…oh it’s LaToya who has to lick a window free of gentleman’s relish like she’s on the Sunshine Bus (yet more food craziness from Big Brother – will the madness ever end!?). She hardly touches the fishy delicacy (“MMm it’s so thick and salty!” will fuel a few twisted fantasies from now on though) before with her little cats tongue before Big Brother takes pity and declares her a success. Finally seventeed minutes later Coolio gets his chance to show the housemates how it’s done. In the Diary Room, Big Brother tells him he must sit in a bath full of “gooey stuff” and submerge his head for 2 minutes. Our courageous rapper goes all “What you talkin bout Big Brother”, claiming he won’t do the dare without knowing what the gross things are and prevaricates for another seventeen minutes, surely knowing that the other housemates and us will be seeing this and mocking him. Finally he agrees and Verne counts him two minutes in the (“this shit is cold!”) bath (vegetable soup, now Coolio flavoured yum!) whilst Verne counts him to two minutes. He gets his head under late, emerging with a carrot chunk bindi, but Big Brother aren’t feeling mean so they pass him.  Ulrika licks a fishes eyeball (must be similar to getting off with Sven) and Tommy has to neck 3 Brainfreezes (which only Ulrika seems to have heard of. “He’s in so much pain!” she laughs delightedly, which he fails and is sent to jail (“A victim of injustice and not for the first time!” he jokes whilst The News Of The World quake in their booties), before Terry shows him real solidarity (“Aww he’s gonna have to sleep in there tonight”, Ulrika “Only if he’s not going home) and gets everyone out in the garden to keep Tommy company (poke him through the bars). Ben has to snog a real and very enthusiastic old lady who makes disturbing “Ummphh Umphhh Oomf” noises whilst eating his face.

Big Brother continue on their quest to kill a dwarf by making Verne blow a balloon up until it goes pop. Shit yeah! Collapse those little lungs, it’ll be like punching two paper sweet bags. Coolio has to help him hold the balloon steady (prompting another Ulrika angst about what Verne does and doesn’t need doing, forgetting that he’s making it easy for people by ASKING when he needs help), but Verne makes it, through a series of gurntastic facial expressions, and the balloon blows up – sadly not in Coolio’s ungoggled face.

Oooh there’s another eviction. And it’s LaToya surprisingly with less support than Ulrika or Ben, who leaves the house to refreshingly few boos (it would be wrong wouldn’t it?) to I’m sure an intensive, searching and well pitched interview from Davina. Oh sorry I was on drugs then. Before she leaves LaToya shouts to Tommy “I’m gonna see you outside” and Tommy shouts “Of course!”, adding fuel to Michelle’s rumour, but I still can’t see it. Maybe they’ve both read the script as Davina announces that it’s Tommy who’s next to leave less than 16 minutes later (some interview LaToya got!). It’s meant to be a secret double eviction, but everyone’s sussed already that the first person left too early for it to only be them, so the only surprise is the sheer level of booing for Tommy (unless there’s just loads of weegies in the crowd and that’s how they cheer). I’m sure Davina grills him about Marxist dialectic and I just missed this.

In the bedroom Coolio has a descreet gangsta weep, and why not, he’s lost a “homeboy”, he’s lost a fellow septic and he might have lost his chance to meet Tito. Someone has to pay! He turns to Verne, “Ulrika was really happy to see LaToya go” he confides. Verne’s little face sets solemnly. LaToya was his lady, the one woman in the house freaky enough for him to have a chance of doing sex with. Ulrika must pay. Too little too late?

Liking: Terry
Liking and thinking will win: Verne (yet more drunken whizzing around on his scooter may cleanse the viewers brain of him tonguing a Hamble doll)
Liking and third place all over them: Coolio
Liking and hoping she makes the top three: Ulrika
Sort of not minding and thinking he should do a cover of “Help the Aged”: Ben

Celebrity Big Brother 2009 ep 18: Ben is amusing!

First published 20th January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

It’s a quicky for yesterday’s as yet again I’m in a bit of a social upheaval. 😦

Verne has chilli shits, but joins in gamely directing the Big BrotherMovie (and filming himself go crazy apeshit in a baby’s high chair which is just plain wrong.). Ben (resplendent in THREE scarves) is actually amusing, acting out his adulation of Coolio in a very lavender way. Coolio seems genuinely scared (“Cuz don’t touch me!”). I think it’s Mutya rather than Verne that’s being represented by one of the baby dolls (is it Table?) but I can’t be sure. Things get even wronger when he locks lips with the dolly later – it looks like a mini version of that Bjork lezza robot video. Ulrika also sends herself up well, limping around like mother courage, bewailing the absence of her “48 children”. As does Terry by waffling on about the Romans “that’s interesting that innit?”

Michelle gets evicted and wears a lovely white figure hugging frock,prompting the probably bulimic LaToya to whisper about how she’s gained weight. Robbed of his house bitch, Coolio tries to switch his attention to Ulrika, saying he’s always thought she was OK, but she’s having none of it cos it’s too little too late. Even if they are both Leos (change the record Coolio!).

Big Brother fucks around with the housemates giving them random tasks. Ulrika has to only speak in Swedish. Despite Coolio declaring it a “brutal” tongue she sounds pretty sultry and teaches Ben how to say “I have a big cock” which should really be in the Rough Guide.

The housemates play at doing fake nominations where Terry nominates the same two people for the exact same reasons.

Later Coolio and Verne swear to not be so starstruck about each otherand visit each other more regularly when they get out. Awwww.

Sorry it’s short – not having a great day.

Liking: Terry, Verne, Coolio, Ulrika, even Boring Ben
Disliking: Tommy
Keeping a close eye on: LaToya

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Day 17: Pepper view (groan)

First published 19th January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

So it’s time for the last nominations, followed by a “surprise” live eviction (with Davina wiffling on about what a “democratic” process it all is. Sure Tommy would be impressed). Here’s the breakdown of who shat on who:

Ben:

Coolio – because he’s an old fart who leaves the toilet seat up.
Ulrika (booo!): for also being old. And Swedish. Or something (OK I didn’t pay attention. It WAS Ben!)

Coolio:

Michelle- for tarnishing his shiny samurai sword with her womanly moistness. Oh and cos he’s worried she might beat him.
Ulrika – for being Ulrika

Latoya:

Michelle – for being a “follower”, says the woman who doesn’t celebrate christmas or birthdays cos her mum’s a Jehovahs Witness – even though she lapsed years ago.
Ulrika – for having swivelly eyes of doom! For a woman who can’t move her face at all this is terrifying. And for being a “control freak” – but this is cos only LaToya is allowed to take over the world muwahahahah! (oops)

Michelle:

Coolio- The world revolves around him, all the boys are falling over themselves for the chance to be in his Cooly gang – which is playing right into his masterplan.
Tommy – for using words like “homey” and “bro” and therefore losing his essence under the influence of the big bad Coolio (pretty astute on one level as Coolio seems to make Tommy even more determined to prove himself a “man”, but to be fair Tommy did have a go at Coolio for his “bitch and ho” talk.)

Terry (“You and your explanations!”):

Ben – because he provokes fear in Terry. Fear that can be summed up by the phrase “A1 Reunion”. He’s always “caterwauling” and is too nice, good looking and perfect so must die. I get the feeling Terry isn’t taking nominations too seriously. Good!
Verne – Oooh! Terry is only the second housemate with the balls to nom a dwarf (first was Mutya) – because he told him that talking about history was pointless when he was pissed. Plus Verne has only done the dishes twice (risking drowning each time though Tezza).

Tommy:

Ulrika- surprise surprise. Tommy confusing nominates the woman who tried to get him to get involved in the tasks rather than sulking by himself of not showing a sense of “collectivism” or “solidarity” – proving himself to be a twat, but what could we expect from Costcutter Galloway.

Ulrika has a bit of pleasant banter with Terry on the way in, asking what she’s be like if she went to public school.”You’d probably think you were better than everyone else” he cracks. “I’d be really high handed” she comes back.

Then she nominates Terry (boo!). Think it’s his first nom. She knows he’s a decent guy but he can be a bit aloof and not show interest in her unless she talks to him, also he’s very clever but thinks he knows everything and is self righteous with a faint air of chauvenism. Hang on, hasn’t she just described herself?
Ulrika also noms Tommy for not taking part in the tasks. “It has not gone unnoticed” she says self righteously.

Verne:

Ulrika – thinks she’s always right.
Terry (ooh): Because when Coolio wanted to put a bridge in the Big Brother song they wrote, Terry said “no” and he knows less about songwriting than the great Coolio. You have to admit when you were listening to the song part of you was screaming “Take it to the bridge!”

So it’s not particularly remarkable that Michelle and Ulrika are up (predicted as much – once Mutya left they were screwed). Only LaToya, the silent assassin escapes from being nominated. She regales fellow housemates with tales of her taking part in a cop based reality show in the States in which she had to deal with felons packing heat (big guns not the magazine – which is about the level we’d get over here). Unfortunately she keeps making me think of Sergeant Laverne Hooks in Police Academy.

In Big Brother’s continuing aim to theme tasks around eating disorders or food poisoning to help subliminally advertise the majority of their “real life documentary” shows, they present housemates with a chilli eating task, which includes Scotch Bonnet chillis (I once tried just a sliver of a raw Scotch Bonnet and had a burnt mouth for hours afterwards – and I love spicy food). Can’t help worrying for Verne, but he gamely goes ahead and chomps his capsicum (risking severe damage to his digestive tract). All the housemates eat at least one chilli, although Coolio KING OF THE KITCHEN is shamed by Michelle who eats all three. Wow!  To increase the pressure on their bowels Big Brother gives them a party (the drinkers should be getting through the booze pretty fast after that). Meanwhile Terry stoically whistles “Ring of Fire” (haha!), whilst Verne does a “I may be gone some time” trip to the lavvie.

Ulrika’s caught unawares by Coolio asking her how many of her kids are black and her “NONE!” sounds a bit too vehement. Fortunately he just seems to be offering her the chance of a brahhn baby (“You wanna come cuddle with me”) Ulrika points out that she’s ill (“I’d give you my disease” – I think it’s a cold not syphilis).

The 3 yanks discuss Michelle’s success at the task, concluding the evil cow is just playing a game and trying to win, unlike themselves who are only in there to seek spiritual enlightenment. Coolio thinks they will be the first three past the finishing line, with Verne in first (LaToya agrees). Coolio then retires to the ashtray with a clearly pissed Terry who’s up for drinking all the booze in the house because “it’s the right thing to do” (a man after my own heart). Tommy reprimands them both rather overly sternly and dourly for showing signs of tipsiness (as a none drinker he’s “used to seeing the tell tale signs”). Apparently Tommy used to be a pain in the arse at parties – now he just has no friends. Mind you his warning is possibly prescient as Terry manages to drunkenly slag off everyone who votes for Big Brother in a round-about-way . Tommy’s dissing Michelle for being a thick and Terry jumps in “Tommy when you criticise her…you’re criticising all the thick people who voted for you” (ha!), adding that he hopes Michelle wins as she “reflects who the people who vote are”. Hopefully the thicks won’t realise they’ve been slighted (As a thick who voted for Anna the lezza nun to win BB1 and Dirk Benedict to win the last CBB I have no idea what Terry was on about). Tommy won’t let go with his picking on a 29 year old woman (who Terry points out sagely had weight issues therefore has a confidence problem) who cries when out of her comfort zone when someone repeats behaviour that she finds upsetting. Terry gives up and rolls his eyes “Look at you being horrible to her!” he deadpans.

We go to the live feed of the housemates watching their film which is on a shouty bit so looks a tad Tarantino, then Davina’s face pops up on the screen, so it’s horror (bah since “Dead Set” that’s a pointless remark). Michelle screeches “I told you so!” and everyone else keeps schtum that it was a tad obvious given they nominated yesterday. Davina lets the tension build until Ulrika starts crying and then announces Michelle is leaving. You can see the calculation behind some eyes, notably Terry’s and LaToya’s.

Michelle seems less dim during her interview (unlike Davina who appears to be incapable of listening to answers of questions she has already fecking asked! Wonder why her chat show failed again?) and correctly guesses who nominated her (apart from saying Terry may have). She articulately points out that she can be immature and does cry at the drop of a hat at home, because she’s an over-sensitive person when she feels under attack ( if I’m given the right hormones, drink, movie or boyfriend I’m shoulders with her there – I cry at the News FFS!). When asked if her blubbing was a gameplan (not a good one seeing how many people it pissed off) she says if it was she should be “an actress like Tina” (a shit one?). She’s shown the clips of Tina spreading LaToya’s BenChelle gossip around and airily dismisses it, saying she knew Tina would be the sort of person who talked behind peoples backs. She didn’t love Ben – he just reminded her of her ex-husband (when that happens to me I get all killy) cos he’s a lovely bloke. Wonder if she’ll say that when she sees the ex has been talking to the papers about her infidelity? She seems to let slip some non-juicy non-gossip about Tommy fancying LaToya (I think Tommy would like women to be more like he percieves LaToya – but there’s about as much chemistry as an empty test-tube).

I like MIchelle suggesting that the real gossip should have been about the Coolio Crew if the basis for romance was spending time together (they should be accusing Terry, Tommy and Coolio of having “threesomes” in her opinion).  She likes Terry but doesn’t want to be lectured about where the coffee she is drinking came from. Baby murdering beeyatch! 😉  Given her apparent level of awareness her denial of meaning to compare Tina to a female ogre during “Shrekgate” wonderfully seems totally disingenuous.

Liking most: Terry (I could probably go for a drink with all of these people but would have the best laugh with Terry)
Liking and thinking he will win: Verne (especially as Channel 4 put Goldmember on afterwards, not at all influencing the votetowin now the lines are open – and he got most cheers by the studio crowd)
Mostly liking, sometimes annoyed by: Coolio, Ulrika
Ooooh she’s devious: LaToya
Disliking (but would still share a pint and a rant with): Tommy

Haha guess who I forgot!!!: Ben (he wasn’t booed by the endemolmob last night like Coolio, Tommy and Ulrika, instead there was just apathy)

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Day 16: Tommy. knocker

First published 18th January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

The housemates are given instruments to write a Song For Big Brother For (probably not “My lovely house”) and Ben displays a modicum of musical talent which clearly pisses everyone else off. Later he takes the guitar and pens the following ditty about our favourite woolly Glaswegian (appropriately given the sheer amount of ikky back hair he has on display today):

“Oh Tommy
You’re so hairy
Don’t need a jumper
You’re wearing a sweater”

OK the last two lines go a bit Alanis Morisette, but he tops it off nicely:

“You like Michelle
You ain’t gonna get her
When she looks at me
She’s never been wetter”

Which not only makes me giggle childishly but is also exactly the right way to deal with all the BenChelle rumour-mongering in the house. Except with Latoya who doesn’t appear to have a grasp on irony (fair enough she is a yank AND a Jackson) and she stares significantly at Ben as though this is proof that her spidey sense has been correctly tingling.

LaToya’s been following her psycho’s intuition a lot recently, and carefully selecting confidentes to initiate into her ga-ga sisterhood through breathlessly girly whispered insinuations wrapped up as good old fashioned “a woman knows these things” common sense. Now she’s totally put the knife in with Michelle so that any time she cries it’s regarded with suspicion and annoyance by the blokes, she moves onto deconstructing Coolio, asking Verne if when he knew our favourite pineapple headed shouty rapper on the outside world that he swore so much and did “pimps and hos” talk, because underneath Coolio’s facade she’s convinced there’s a kind sweet gentle man.

She could have a point as Coolio’s been showing his “sensitive side”, confiding in the Diary Room that he’s been “QUIET COOLIO” the last few days by turning the decibels down from 11 to 10.5. Michelle even thanks him for being lovely the last few days (Terry: “He’s like sweet daddy Jesus today”) and at first he looks all soppy and pleased but can’t resist doing a sleazy “hey baby” voice and husking “Ah appreciate you too baby” in the rapiest manner possible. That’s not to accuse Coolio of being a “rape artist” which apparently the Star did recently (anyone else put that down to a significantly dropped “e” and a hack eager for controversial copy?). He oozes over to Ulrika next growling sweet (pervy) nothings into her shell-like, but she primly reprimands him (“Don’t look at me with those bedroom eyes”).

I’m feeling sorry for Ulrika again, as Tommy’s clearly been influenced by LaToya’s whispering campaign into absolutely despising the stroppy swede and giving her his mental stare at any possible occasion. Yet again she’s tried to encourage everyone to pull their socks up to pass the test, but Tommy’s a stubborn man (Ulrika correctly selects then dismisses the word “defiant” when describing him in the Diary Room) and is not having a woman tell him what to do. Especially one tainted by the soapy love juice of an England national football team manager. So Tommy jogs insanely round the garden (Terry: “Stop sweating near our ashtray”), resisting all attempts to include him (“Pish! I’ll come in and sort it oot”) and hides out in the bathroom whilst everyone does the hard work. It gets up Verne’s nose as well and they both mention it to Coolio who jumps to his testesterone buddy’s defence (“He can do a speech at the end”) before running out and telling him that Big Brother has said that all housemates must take part. Clearly by the time Tommy joins the rehearsals, Ulrika’s a bit stressed and snaps at Terry for getting in her way during her rap, leading to more evils from Tommy (looking very Spinal Tap in his blonde wig) and Terry rather more understandably discussing why she doesn’t like him in the ashtray later. After all that though it’s Terry who springs to her defence when everyone else bitches about her later (Tommy leading the chance with a rather over-emphatic “She’s a fucking pain in the arse” to anyone who will listen) saying she’s an attractive, intelligent woman and probably used to being the centre of attention. “She fucking nearly assaulted you!” spits Tommy, all braveheart in his sweary, shouty condemnation of a woman behind her back.

The song sounds crap, but the lyrics are amusing and there’s a catchy-ish chorus (“Feel free to kick us down”). Tommy manages to fuck up the timing so Verne comes in late too (“Vote for me or I’ll kick your ass”), so amusingly whilst Tommy slags Ulrika in the domain of bloke (the lounge), Ulrika and Benchelle mock him soundly in the luxury bedroom. LaToya hovers somewhere in between; waiting, listening.

Liking: Terry, Verne
Fearing: LaToya
Mixture of love and annoyance: Coolio, Ulrika
Meh: BenChelle
Starting to dislike again: Tommy

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Day 15: LaToya-eral Thinking

First published 17th January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

Verne indeed has a neurotic hangover, so Terry and Tommy fuck with his head by telling him he was propositioning Tina (was he really THAT drunk? Nah, they’d have definitely called a doctor in). Michelle moans in the Diary Room that Verne is definitely a nasty drunk, cos, she pouts “he came on to all the girls apart from me”. I dunno, either you’re e sex pest or an ignoramus. Big Brother calls Verne in to check if he needs something for his head (something higher than a metre holding it up?) and ask if he remembers ram raiding the Diary Room Door (“No…sorry if I did.”).

We discover that LaToya never washes up at home. “It’s good for the soul” assures Terry, asking whether she’ll be more likely to tell the “home helps, ‘leave those cups I’ll do them'” when she gets back. Everything about her girly whispers “No fucking way”.

Big Brother try to stabilise the house and restore harmony by introducing a battle of the sexes task, where male and female housemates will compete to challenge 6 gender stereotypes about men or women: multi-tasking, common sense, memory, cooking, practicality, bravery (which all housemates take part in). Michelle takes on Tommy at multitasking and has to answer questions whilst (gasp!) ironing and “listening” to classical music (hmm). She irons two shirts very neatly whilst only getting one answer right (embarrassingly she thinks there are 352 days in a year and 6 eggs in a dozen). Tommy lurches in full of confidence and gets all his questions right whilst merely fiddling around with a shirt (presumably hoping for his missus to come in and do it properly). For this he passes. Seems a tad unfair that he only demonstrably completed one of the “multiple” aspects of the task. But then again, multi tasking is a crap stereotypical skill for a gender – it usually just means you can do lots of things really shitly.

I am most dismayed by the women’s wimpishness during the “bravery” round, when they all have to go into the task room in the dark where Big Brother states there will be a fluffy, cute tarantula lurking (OK I would have crapped myself at the idea last year, but having met some in the Peruvian jungle, they’re really harmless and quite cuddly unless you start messing with them. Although they are rubbish at buying rounds). Surely you don’t have to be a genius to work out that Big Brother won’t genuinely risk the life of a beautiful animal by shoving it into a room with Tina’s feet? Tina shudders that the spider will crawl on her toes. No Tina, it probably knows where they’ve been. Of course, the spider is removed from the task room before the girls go in. That is before La Toya and Michelle go in, cos the others sit trembling in the Diary Room. I can almost forgive the two their screaming and shrieking, given that having seen the others wimp out, and therefore reducing the safety in numbers aspect, must make it slightly creepier. They return to the Diary Room where Ulrika through gritted teeth tells them “You’re SO brave.” Pah!

The boys go in en masse, with Coolio vowing to protect Verne (who a tarantula could easily carry off). Big Brother has tried to assuage nerves by pointing out that a tarantula bite is no worse than a bee sting, but Verne doesn’t “do stings well”. I’m relieved there is no spider as Coolio suggests everyone standing around Verne and just “STOMPING” to keep any foolish arachnids at bay. The boys spend their time laughing nervously, as it’s scarier to be locked in a dark room with four other men than any amount of creepy crawlies (Verne: “Coolio are you touching me?… You did it again Goddamit!”). Tina and Ulrika are most vocal in the lounge about how the boys will really be shitting themselves but not admit it. After this rubbish display it’s no surprise the men win this “scientific” challenge and therefore are declared amusingly by Big Brother to be better than women (or at least better than the women of the house at working together and playing to their strengths by picking appropriate people for each challenge), winning lager and pizza which they are forbidden to share with the “weaker sex”.

We get another unwelcome shot of Tina’s manky bra strap through her ill-advised see-through black lace top as she’s told she’s evicted and Mutya insists on leaving too so she can go home to her child.  This clearly makes Ulrika the “worst mother in the world” (TM). Mutya buggers off, hugging everyone goodbye (understandably nearly forgetting Ben, giving Verne a mini-hug and running away quickly, being groped twice by Coolio).

Coolio kicks off again, refusing to “shut up” at Michelle’s behest whilst Ben reads out Big Brothers instructions (not to drink booze, swear or sing for a few hours whilst the live show is on), and tells the apparently manic depressive geordie to “fuck off” and “hail to the NO”, whilst Terry pulls a pained face and tries to be reasonable. Michelle’s tear hair-trigger kicks in and Coolio lopes off disgusted to the ashtray. La Toya drags him aside like some Lady Macbeth with laryngitis, telling Coolio that he’s falling for Michelle’s game plan and she’s trying to get him to respond so she can make him look bad by crying and therefore win. “I’ll be damned if she gonna win” squints Coolio slowly, and, job done, LaToya gives him the hug of the spider woman (Coolio: “I need to [kick off] more so I can get one of those hugs”). Later she spreads more poison about certain housemates “attention seeking” to Verne and the boys. Cos Coolio is such a wallflower eh? LaToya is playing an odd little game, which is making her just seem even scarier than when she first entered the house. Mind you when Michelle’s tears escalate and we’re back in red puffy faced hell, I’m thinking “get a grip” as LaToya annexes Coolio for more coaching (“Tonight I’ve seen you do NOTHING to her…you play games together and laugh together.. I think it’s all an act.”. She might have a point. Michelle whinges on “It’s driving me mad and I’m quite a sane person” (hmm) and Ben tries to defend her at the boys table.  For some godforesaken reason he’s bought up the BenChelle non-relationship wind-up again. Doh! Ben insists that Michelle loves her boyfriend and nothing could happen. Coolio however is a man of the world; “I have been around literally thousands of women… when she gets drunk she forget about her boyfriend” he insists, doing an impersonation of a drunk woman succumbing that even Ben laughs at. Under the right circumstances Coolio could apparently get any “pussy” in the house, and as soon as Big Brother find his missing suitcase full of rohypnol he might prove it.

Liking: Terry, Verne
Liking, but my god he’s an arseclown: Coolio (“Pussy ain’t got no face” – very Jay and Silent Bob, but would you want to put up with it 24/7?)
Wanting to like more: Ulrika
Liking but fearing: LaToya
Sort of not disliking, but not loving: Ben
Bored by lots: Michelle
Worried that he is going to go mental at some point (watch the body language): Tommy

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Day 14 & eviction 2: Happy, Sleazy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy, Bashful, (No Doc)

First published 16th January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

So it’s eviction night and the highlighted edits of day 14 only look guaranteed to save Mutya as she did sod all on that day, amazingly. Maybe it was like a holy day or something to her? There’s boos all round as Davina reads out the names, the biggest reserved for Tina, but Ulrika a close second. Mutya hatahs can’t really muster a significant boo. Davina’s all stern cos she’s wearing a Dorothy Perkins SS jacket and chastises all the women who have suggested leaving recently (i.e. all the ones up for eviction) “No one forced you to do this show” (except your agent) “and you’re getting paid a lot!” (is this a coded message to get people to do more than just Boo Channel 4’s cash cow when she gets out of the house?).

There follows predictable and twattish dullness about the shopping list, which I shall relate in the manner of Rage Against the Machine.  (Coolio to Ulrika): “Fuck You You Can’t Help Choose the Shopping!” (Ulrika to Tina) “Wah Fuck They Won’t Let Me Do Shopping!” Girls to Boys: “Fuck You Then We’ll Do Our Own Shopping!” Michelle and La Toya: “Oh Fuck as long as we can have tuna” Coolio: “Fuck THEM Why they choosing their shopping.”  Coolio to Ulrika “Fuck You then you Can’t read the list out!” Coolio to Terry, Tommy, Verne, Ben, even La Toya: “Fuck! You better go read the list out” Others (especially Terry) “Fucks sake! Ulrika can read it!” Coolio condemns the women for being “Childish” for doing their own list, whilst shouting loudly that you “can’t trust a woman”. Oh the irony!

Tina (having already bravely stood up to Verne by calling him a “little sneak” (not a big one) behind his back, now lays down the law with Coolio who’s wasting time when she could be tucking into her £6 of fingers and eggs. “It’s NOT YOUR DECISION To TELL the rest of the FUKKIN house” she screams loudly and Coolio ignores her like she’s a little buzzing fly. Coolio’s happiest in noise he’s created-that’s a gangstas paradise. Eventually, bored, he swots, I mean shushes her. “NO MAN has ever told me to FUKKIN shush!” she screams, random hot air rushing out like a burst barrage balloon.  “ah just did” smiles Coolio and Tina bravely flounces off to whinge about him being “aggressive, hostile and loud” (what self awareness she has!) in the Diary Room cos he hasn’t got a “respectable” career shagging footballers like Ulrika. At least Ulrika hisses “Oh god you’re an anus” to Coolio’s face.

Big Brother gets bored of all this constant whinging and bribes them into not moaning for an hour by offering a sumptious reward of booze, posh grub and messages from home should they succeed. They do, but only by not talking to each other for the whole hour, as for them it’s the only way. Amusingly as the hour starts, most of the women immediately put as much space between themselves and Coolio as possible.

They’re rewarded with a party and significantly “Freak Out!” is playing as Ulrika fills Vernes overwhelmingly huge champagne glass to the brim and he whirrs away. The housemates pick someone to read their message from home, who then breaks a sugar bottle over them to free the note. LaToya gets a message from Tito (“I’m watching you…and Coolio I’m watching you, keep your hands off my sister”), plus a sign off from her mum and evil abusive dad. Tina, who’s reading this, decides to make it about her by crying like a spaz. Ulrika reads Michelle her sensible and sweet message from Hugh: “Please stop worrying about the Ben issue” (calling it an “issue” will help Hugh!). Ulrika claps her hands excitedly “I think you and Ben can have sex now!” (it made me laugh). Coolio also tries whoring for attention by demanding Michalle apologise to him (again) this time for having worried. Oh feck off!

Verne gets nastier and nastier drunk wise after having gone through sleaze mode in which he attempts to have sex with almost every woman in the house (OK not Tina and Ulrika – Verne’s not that drunk). Noting his increasingly erratic driving Ulrika threatens to issue a ticket, whilst Coolio sighs “I’ll have to take your keys bro.”. Whilst he demands respect for Latoya and declares he’ll do “anything” for her as she’s the “most beautiful woman” I wonder if with chat up lines like those Verne used to rely on pity fucks before he got famous and am amused by some sort of beeper thing on his scooter constantly going off (cheese alarm?). Of course he could just be identifying LaToya as a viable target as she’s one of the freakiest women in the house. “Everyone thinks I’m cute” Verne says with a half cute, half bitter giggle. I feel for him, and then I remember he’s got a sex video out so he’s not starving for action because of his disability like many disabled people with limited independance can be. He’s called to the Diary Room, but doesn’t go, he’s too busy doing donuts round the lounge and swearing at everyone (to Ben: “Alright bitch!”). Ulrika gets a litte annoying school mam to him (“Are you being a naughty boy? I’m gonna have to spank you!” sheesh Ulrika he’s a grown man not a middle aged ex public schoolboy!). Verne deliberately gets a run up to the Diary Room door and ram raids it, his tiny body shaking like a crash test dopey as the scooter bangs against the plywood. Sultry Big Brother is quite concerned in the Diary Room. “Verne did you just drive into the Diary Room door? It could be quite dangerous?” Verne “How?” Later, after Big Brother thankfully don’t show Verne crying whilst struggling to get undressed, or LaToya patronising him for having a comfort blankie (and sniffing it, ugh). That is gonna make for one neurotic hangover in the morning!

Anyway Davina goes live to the house where Ulrika and Mutya are looking extra gorgeous (and Verne and Coolio are BOTH sporting shades). To nobody’s amazement or disappointment Tina is evicted and she does the least convincing show of joy ever, which evaporates to nerves and tears within a minute. Totally nicking the wind from Tina’s bingo wings Mutya loudly threatens to leave. And apparently she definitely is. That’s us told for demanding entertainment from her. Shame we can’t watch her count her money.

Tina (who exits with a furry minge bag, or perhaps it’s a muff) is typically blind to her own faults in the exit interview (“I will LISTEN to people, I’m not a bitter twisted fat bird”, “I use expletives not because I lack vocabulary but because I’m passionate and I like swearing” – yeah cos swearing is a great sign of passion, ,like in Wutherin Fukkin Heights). She sees the house as divided into men and women (it is sort of now – but she’s responsible largely), and Coolio as not intelligent like she is. Oh dear. Some clips are shown to illustrate her vulnerable side (her singing “Thank god my period is over, my fanny is my own” which I’d missed first time and now feel gutted to have experienced, her being generally sweary and disgusting). Describing her fellow housemates, Tina is modest as always, boasting about how LaToya honed in on her first and dissing Tommy for not being as famous as her, who plays a shit character on a failing show (“I DID think it said celebrity at the top” – oh fuck off you tragic bint, I knew who Tommy was when he entered the house and had to google you even though I am from Liverpool) and reckons Tommy can’t communicate with young women (she may have a point, but Tommy’s in a similar situation to Michelle having the shadow of adultrous suspicion hanging over him). Davina shows a picture of Princess from Shrek next to one of Tina as Juliet and Tina states she had never seen the film so didn’t know what Michelle meant (she seems somewhat unamused-heh!). She states that she had learned that she “can be more tolerant than I ever thought I’d be”, she must have been a Nazi pre-Big Brother then. Tellingly during the “best bits” montage of nose picking and going on about being fat, they can only find two people saying something vaguely non-nasty about her. Mutya (“Tina’s like my mum” – nice edit Big Brother – I bet she was going on to say “who’s in prison” or something) and La Toya damning her with extremely faint praise. Fortunately Tina will interpret the edit in her own way, and conclude that she was “fukkin robbed”, because otherwise I’d worry for her.

Liking: Terry
Scared by (but still liking): DrunkVerne, LaToya
Liking but annoyed by now: Coolio, Ulrika
Bored by: Benchelle, Tommy
Bye bye: Mutya

p.s. some idle speculation. With Mutya going – doesn’t this make either Michelle or Ulrika toast (especially as LaToya will probably vote for them) if it’s down to nominations. Although if it’s a surprise eviction on Monday I have no idea how the votes are being cast. 

 

pps For once I’m copying and pasting the comments from this blog as none other than Kevin Rowland from Dexies showed up as a subscriber (alongside Simon Price from the Indie music pages). Fame!

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  Simon Price

  Blimey, hello Kevin! If you’re still living in Brighton, we should go for a cup of tea some time. I’ve moved down here too…

  Anyway, back to CBB…

  Coolio’s brilliant description of Tina – “bowling ball on legs” -had me laughing for about ten minutes. Her eviction was pleasing, of course, although she seemed oblivious to the boos which greeted her exit (continuing her monstrous lack of both self-awareness and other-awareness).

  Verne declaring his love to Latoya was just painful. You could just see the awkwardness in her eyes, thinking “Please stop talking. I want to go now, but I’m too polite to just walk off.”

  Another brilliant Latoya moment I don’t think you mentioned, at the end of the lengthy petty squabble about who was going to go into the Diary Room and read out the shopping list. “I should read it… no, I should read it… no, I should…” until by some miracle of common consent, they all said “LATOYA should read it!” Beautifully-timed pause, then Latoya said “…I don’t want to read it.”

  I’m gutted about Mutya walking out, even though I’ll grudgingly admit she wasn’t contributing much to the drama and intrigue (if not the watchability).

  … Show more

  • Reply(1)

  2 years ago

Kevin Rowland And Dexys…

Nah, Im back in London, thank God. brighton was great for a few years, but then it got dull for me, but hard to leave. most people love it for five years, then want to leave, but end up staying for te.

K

2 years ago

Kevin Rowland And Dexys…

Thank God for Latoya. At last some intelligence – spot on about Michelle and Ulrika and their demonizing of Coolio. About time! Maybe now Endemol will stop their pseudo p c bullshit {Pulling up Coolio and telling him to calm down, while asking Tina if she’s Ok, after the pair had an row – blatant sexism}. The whole affair echoes the Shilpa fiasco, when endemol pinned their pathetic colours to the mast.

This series has been a major dissapointment {not enough good ideas} and the surprise election on monday will, im sure be another of Endemols transparent attempts to manipulate the show in the direction they think best – to favour the likes of Ulrika {you watch, they will go out of their way to keep her in}. the irony is, that they are usually wrong and if they let matters take their natural course, instead of manipulating the nominations by coming up with some bogus rule break, as they did in previous series’ it would be much better TV.
Im bored with the whole Big Brother thing.

.

 

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Day 13: Has the Verne turned?

First published 15th January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

Day 13 in the house and the women are discussing plastic surgery (with Ulrika offering a top tip to saggy celebrities – don’t pay for your own surgery – offer to write an article for a mag and they’ll pay AND cover the insurance! Mutya muses the possibility of getting her tits done, and Tina pounces, somewhat over-aggressively calling the slovenly yet very pretty house Bagpuss clone an “attention seeker”. Oh the irony, as Tina ends up stating that she “wouldn’t mind losing a bit of weight on me fanny!” before slowly toppling to the floor from her chair. Ulrika doesn’t even try to stifle her grin (“Your fanny weighs too much Tina”).

After causing a row over mouldy bread that turns out to be entirely her own fault, Tina starts trying to garner pre-election sympathy along with the rest of the nominees, arguing most vehemently that she will go as she’s “been really quiet.” “Really??!” double takes Ulrika, whilst the other women piss themselves laughing. “Oh yeah!” insists Tina, “I’ve been nicer in here than I would be outside. I want everyone to see my vulnerable side.”  Tina’s shocked to discover that Michelle may sometimes find her intimidating and immediately starts shouting about how she’s really sweet and shy really whilst Ulrika tries to reassure her that when they say “intimidating” it doesn’t mean something really bad. Hmmm not like it did the other day with that vile bully Coolio eh Ulrika?

Mutya’s well annoyed that Tommy and Coolio are simply sleeping through the Carwash whilst she’s practicing to jump around on a “giant” piano with La Toya, and doesn’t want to bother doing anything more if they’ve failed anyway. She’s so mad she would probably stripe someone if she could only be arsed. Terry tries to buoy the errant car boys up (“I’m very disappointed in you Tommy”) by calling them a pair of “wusses”. Coolio points out that in all fairness he got a teensy bit cold and wet doing the task (Terry: “It must be full of pussies the area you come from. You could start a reign of terror there with a balloon on a stick.”)

For some reason Verne wants to do the shittest crowd surf ever whilst still dressed as the rude Bo Selecta bear – from the toy box. Michelle offers to catch him, then Ulrika. Then everyone’s crowded around fussing over him and cooing “how adorable!” whilst he half jumps and is immediately grabbed by Michelle. What Ulrika and Michelle don’t know is that this is how foreplay usually works for Verne, although it works better if he can get a run up.

Terry and Tina discover that they need more hits than Ulrika and Verne to pass their task. Terry’s not convinced they will but Tina’s confident, I’m not being fuckin funny like, that they will get over 100,000 hits cos “I’m on Channel 4 and you were on Channel 4 for 68 years”. Terry doubts they were as funny as the other clip, but Tina’s “a fat girl in a fukkin tutu, how much more amusing do you want?” Um brain cancer? When Big Brother states later they only got 32,000 hits Tina turns smugly to Terry “What did I fukkin say? I said 30 or 40 thousand.”

Ben is told to “creep up” on a housemate and frighten them in his craposaurus outfit. He retires to the ashtray to decide his strategy, cutting an amusing figure – resembling as he does a Far Side cartoon of a smoking tyrannosaurus captioned “How the Dinosaurs died out.” Eventually he hides under a duvet in the luxury bedroom, being too retarded to actually “creep” up and does a feeble “boo” at Ulrika, who looks at him blankly for a millisecond before possibly working out that he’s doing a secret task and exclaiming unconvincingly “Oh you fucking frightened me!” Big Brother understandably feel sorry for Ben and he passes (“I feel elated”).

I like Ulrika’s task in which the housemates gather expectantly in the backgarden as she dances out whooping to the thumping sound of pow wow drums and aiming at the target whilst the beat builds to a banging crescendo. It stops. She shoots. And the arrow flails hopelessly into the ground. She hits the target on the next go and is promptly told the task is over and everyone drifts away anticlimactically whilst she tries to muster an enthusiastic whoop.

La Toya and Mutya do impressively well on their keyboard task, hitting all the right notes in all the right order and rhythm and looking quite cute too. Even I give them a round of applause and Terry manages not to take the piss too much when they emerge from the task room.

Anyway as we all know the task was failed all down to Verne and Michelle not making themselves sick lots on sugary acidic honey (if they’d tried to make lovely Dirk macrobiotic Benedict do this a couple of years it would probably have killed him). So the unhappy campers, who’ve been having issues over limited food all week, again have £1 each a day to survive on. Blimey and La Toya’s only been eating smoked salmon. There must be a Netto round the corner. Ulrika tries to offer to help with the shopping list and Terry and Tommy are well up for this (Tommy suggests Ulrika and La Toya, knowing more about food preparation, have a committee of two to avoid the soul destroying circularity that normally accompanies doing the shopping list). The others appear to grudgingly agree and Ulrika, thinking aloud, says she might see if La Toya will have salmon fillets rather than smoked salmon. Verne, who’s been asleep in a honey coma all day, suddenly wakes up and accuses her snappily of hassling a vegetarian to eat meat, and won’t accept Ulrika’s genuine explanation that she hasn’t. Either it was a moment of deafness or he’s finally living up to his promise of shit stirring. It’s not very nice though as they suddenly treat Ulrika with suspicion and disdain, until she flounces off muttering “Loud of bollocks” leaving Verne to “explain” to the confused Terry that “she said she didn’t say something she did” (eh?). Coolio scents fresh blood and declares that Ulrika can’t pick the shopping as she doesn’t “know nothing. She can’t even cook!” Terry tries to suggest they’re being unfair, but Coolio’s off on one. “WHO GOT A COOK BOOK? ME! I’m the only gourmet chef in this mother..IT’S MY KITCHEN! MINE!!!” It’s actually quite funny in it’s diabolic shitness, but Verne annoys me by switching tack again and suggesting the girls were “just trying to contribute” when he seems to have started this whole new row off.

A thwarted head girl Ulrika goes for a blub, comforted by Tina who points out that the boys sit around in a “click” (does she mean clique?) all day talking about the girls. More irony as this all takes places in the luxury bedroom which is now the women’s bitching domain, and even more when Tina declares that ALL THE MEN ARE FREAKS.

Leave it all to Coolio, Ulrika, it’s a poisoned chalice anyway getting involved with doing the food. Everyone will eat it and call you a twisted control freak behind your back.

Liking: Terry, La Toya
Annoyed by momentarily: Verne (although having seen tonight’s live feed in which he’s allowed to go through all stages of pissed from angry to miserable on camera – and we discover he’s probably only got 10 years to live I’m feeling bad for him), Coolio
Liking and feeling a bit sorried for: Ulrika
Still warming to: Tommy (for singing Billy Bragg songs in a weird posho accent)
Bored by: Ben, Mutya
Not keen on: Michelle (who now says everything’s been resolved with Coolio and is all girly and embarrassed for having been a cry baby which she thinks the viewers might hate her for. And oh she’s come to her senses in time for the Thursday and Friday shows. Convenient)
Hoping that she points out her vulnerable side, so someone can take it out with a crossbow: Tina

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: day 12: Life aint nothin but titches and honey

First published 14th January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

It’s the next morning and Michelle’s STILL crying! She’ll shrivel up at this rate. Tina belts out twee life skills advice at her bombastically whilst Ben shoots virtual vomit through his eyes at the Scouse pie-snorter.

The housemates are given a diabolical shopping test where they’re pretending to be toys. Ulrika is apparently a “native american” doll (why not just go the whole hog and make someone a golliwog?) resembling an anorexic Brown Fox from Fulchester Rovers, and apparently has to “fire a bow”. La Toya is a post traumatic stress toy soldier. Mutya is a rather fetching cross between Looby Loo and Pippi Longstocking. Ben is a rubbish green dinosaur (or as Coolio dubs him a “weakosaurus”). Terry and Tina have to memorise a dance to perform in sparkly tiaras and tutu atop a fake “music box”, a task which Terry seems to take pretty seriously, despite Tina barking instructions at him, and he looks rather dainty and sweet twirling around with his moobs jutting out. Shame Tina has the grace of an autistic whale. Coolio and Terry have to wear strap on cars and stand in a fake car-wash in the garden enduring thoroughly depressing (for them) jets of water and foam (whilst Tommy counts increasingly dourly to ten) every time the song “car-wash” plays. Worse of all Michelle and Verne don bear outfits (Verne’s is deliberately cut to resemble the Bo Selecta bear) and eat a huge pot of honey in four hours. Not sure how much is in Verne’s pot but it’s the same size of Michelle’s and makes me wonder if Big Brother think giving a dwarf diabetes is top telly. In addition the housemates have to clamber into a “toy box” every time they hear the merry sound of childrens’ laughter and stay still whilst a gang of stage school wannabes run in and frolic unconvincingly about (plus one scouse child who is clearly trying to nick Verne’s scooter). Ulrika gets all “I’m really missing me kids Vic” and teary. Must be seeing a gang of kids – nearly as many as she’s spawned.

Quite rightly Michelle and Verne challenge Big Brother for giving them a task that makes them feel physically sick. Verne’s unamused when Big Brother suggests they “bear with it”, (“Is that supposed to be a joke?”). They should just go for it and barf all over the pricy cameras in the Diary Room.Tommy (“This just ISNAE fun!”) and a clearly pissed off Coolio decide to jump on the revolutionary bandwagon, with the feisty Scot calling a house meeting so that they can all agree to jack in the task. Mutya’s in firm agreement, throwing a teenage strop over having been forced to wear something other than her comfort dressing gown (“I’m being no-one’s clown just for their entertainment at home”. Has Mutya never watched Big Brother. To be fair it must be dreadfully tiring for the poor dear sitting around in a wig. Awww!). Terry and Tina and unsurprisingly Head Girl Ulrika aren’t so keen on quitting, with Terry reasoning that Big Brother probably won’t let them fail if they’re entertaining enough. Has no-one here watched the show before?

The nominations announcement leave Ulrika looking around enigmatically and Coolio somewhat baffled and convinced Big Brother are trying to fuck with his head (“they’re trying to torture me… they just took my name off the list”). Listlessly Mutya declares that she will definitely be evicted, but Coolio is having none of it (“You ain’t going nowhere and [Michelle] ain’t going nowhere). Naughtily he points at Ulrika, claiming “Your ass got to go” and singing  “you got to go”. I have to admit that it’s pretty funny, but Ulrika and Michelle get all faux outraged, so he can’t resist turning his attention to Michelle (“You gonna have a hard time too Ms X”). Ulrika rushes to Michelle’s defence (“Stop being a BULLY” and when Coolio all but laughs in her face she storms off to tell everyone else how “vile” he is. When nobody seems to want to get involved she rather cynically uses her media savvy by loudly repeating the word BULLY so Big Brother will have to intervene in case Geordies start burning effigies of Coolio or something (his hair reminds me a bit of Humpty from Playschool if you’re an outraged Northerner looking for a handy flammable Coolio doll http://estb.msn.com/i/CB/F53569A18867D3625C1B318795A62.jpg). Sure enough Coolio’s called to the Diary Room and Michelle’s tear ducts dry up enough for her to look smug.Big Brother ask him if he realises the difference between playing with someone and offending them, implying that they get concerned when other contestants feel seriously offended or intimidated (well ever since they got in the shit for letting Shilpa Shetty suffer a week of genuine bullying), and Coolio’s dumbfounded that anyone could find him intimidating (albeit in a silly sexist “I aint gonna hit no girl” way) and declares Ulrika and Michelle to be “full of shit”.

Poor old Terry’s genuinely confused and upset that his pal is coming across so badly. “Is Coolio being really mean to Michelle or is she just getting a bit over the top?” he asks Verne, worriedly. Coolio returns sulkily from the Diary Room and puts his nice shiny car helmet back on whilst declaring appropriately “I’m in my shell. Consider me a turtle.” I love the fact that even when Coolio’s saying he’s going to shut up he can never actually shut up. “Ladies and gentlemen, Coolio’s personality has left the building” he announces dramatically. “Thank fuck for that!” snipes a suddenly rejuvenated Michelle. Terry has a quiet word with Coolio, who vehemently denies using foul language to Ulrika. Meanwhile in the Diary Room Big Brother as gently as possible suggest that Michelle (who insists rather strangely that Coolio won’t even listen to La Toya) grow the fuck up and try to sort out the conflict with Coolio herself, so she flounces over (“Big Brother said we should talk”) but they end up having a sweet conversation in the bathroom where Coolio reassures her that he was just playing the game and winding her up more because it was having effect, but that he genuinely likes her and wouldn’t try to intimidate or bully her. Coolio hates bullies having been bullied as a child himself (and I guess getting your arse kicked by the crips kind of sets the standard in Coolio’s lexicon way above namby pamby old verbal bullying). Coolio blames Ulrika (“she doesn’t like me, she talks about me behind my back”) sadly missing the impact that Tina Malone’s constant slagging of him to the women of the house had last week. He even apologises (blowing it by somewhat cheekily getting Michelle to apologise for calling him a bully). Everything smoothed out Coolio asks Michelle for a hug and she tactfully declines as he’s wearing a strap on toy car (Coolio: “Hug my car!”).

Like the end of a shticky US sitcom where the protaganists kiss and make up having learned a valuable lesson, everyone settles down happily to get pissed. Apart from La Toya who’s in the Diary Room stating that Michelle DOES fancy Ben and she shouldn’t “lie or pretend she’s offended by what Coolio says”. I’m wondering more and more whether La Toya is more genius than mental.

A scary hairy barechested Tommy pumps iron in the bathroom and Coolio lounges around in the bedroom when Car Wash starts up again. Tommy frantically signals to an uninterested Coolio, who responds by hiding his eyes under a pink towel, and then Tommy discovers he can’t get out to the garden anyway and holds his hand up in defeat. Terry sniggers warmly “Oh you’ve let us all down Tommy. We’ll all starve.”

On the live field it looks like they will as not only did Tommy/Coolio and Verne/Michelle fail (the latter unfairly – given that forcing celebs who eat a healthy version of next to fuck all to eat a lot of something sugary is just deliberately transporting them to mood swing city) but Terry/Tina are 50,000 interweb hits behind Verne and Ulrika’s version of Endless Love (again a slightly cruel way of judging a task, especially as most people will have been distracted by Bullying Rapper-Gate). Bizarrely Ulrika (who is currently rather sweetly taking the piss out of herself) has an enormous bruise on her arm – has Stan Collymore joined the household?

Liking: Verne, Terry, Coolio (especially his “Barber of Seville” song in the bath)
Increasingly amazed by: La Toya
Confused as ever by: Ulrika
Warming to: Tommy
Bored by: Mutya, Ben, Michelle
Nauseated by: Tina