Archives for the month of: November, 2016

Week 7 sees the teams summoned to London’s only floating yacht hotel at the Royal Victora docks where grumpy Nooky Bear clone Lord Sugar informs them that as boating is worth £3billion a year to the UK (and probably even more to offshore accountants) that they have to get themselves to the annual boat show at Poole harbour and select products to sell – most sales win as per usual.

As Frances has been a perennial loser so far she’s selected to lead Nebula (Sofiane, Shouty Faux Geezer Paul, Northern Peggy from Hi di Hi Jess, Trishna).

K is made leader of the Titans (Sam, Grainne, Courtney, Alana, Dillon). Dillon’s warned by Lord Sugar that arty creative bollocks counts for nothing in the mean world of sales. K continues sharing way too much information by informing us that he even successfully Project Managed the conception of his own child (“I know the exact hotel room”) – and he’s straight to the point when dividing the team (“Does anyone know anybody who has ever owned a boat?”). Sam suggests that the task needs someone who has sold at the high end, which he had done, so K naturally ignores this and selects Grainne and Courtney to sell the top products whereas Sam has to come with him and sell to the public. “You made a tactical mistake” Sam moans. “Don’t take it personally” K insists. Of course Sam won’t – preferring to mutter doomily about how the pressure’s on Grainne and Courtney for the rest of the task because he’s skill and ace.

Over on Nebula Paul insists that he once pitched to the UK’s leading shipbuilder, so sensibly of course Fran selects Sofiane to go with her on the high end team simply because Sofiane says he’d like to and she’s worried Paul will punch him if they work together.

The public subteams investigate a range of tat for their stalls including a scary pen that doubles as a fishing rod (cue Jess screeching “I’ve got a big one!”), fish cushions (which Dillon of course loves as they’re “very kitch”), frog back packs, some weird flashers mack that is apparently a beach changing robe for the Mr Bean in our lives and sexist colour coded pink and blue snorkels (Paul insists bizarrely snorkelling is a big sport in the UK. Maybe he means “bog” sport).


K has no idea on what product to take (“Someone has to take a call” – erm the PM?). Alana suggests snorkels so he decides to take snorkels. But Sam likes the fish and says they’re “eyecatching”. “Yes they are!” K exclaims and goes for the sodding snorkels and fish cushions. They also have to pick a mid range product and have a choice between a “watersports board” which costs £399 and a stand up paddle board which they all agree is the easier product to sell. Alana points out helpfully after both suppliers have left that they should have asked if there were any special trade discounts. Jess does just this for Nebula and the vendor plumps for them – telling K he chose them because they negotiated a closing price. Oops.

The high end teams test drive a 20k speedboat and 16k Jetskis. Grainne and Courtney are very professional and get all the product information from the vendors. Sofiane doesn’t give a monkey about the specifications and just wants a Jetski because his brother used to have one and he wants to join the Romford Navy too (“It’s a toy!” he declares joyously, royally pissing off the vendor).

The next day Fran calls Nigel the Jetski man “Will you let us sell your jetskis in the morning” she asks confidently. There’s a long pause. “What model did you look at?” Nigel asks leadingly. She gets it wrong and he informs them that’s exactly why he’s going with the other team – losers! Sofiane takes it hard (“So you think it’s all based on specifications?” Nigel “No it’s based on knowledge”. Slam!). Frances doesn’t seem bothered by the outcome but decides if they fail the task it will be down to Sofiane “wallowing in self pity”.

At a rainy Poole harbour K prices up his items with Courtney’s help (which Sam ignores utterly selling at RRP because Sam knows best), whereas Frances gleefully accepts the RRP for all her stall tat. “I don’t want absolutely no negativity” she insists, English language manglingly, to Sofiane and Paul. She drags Sofiane off to decorate the speedboat they’ve been stuck flogging with bottles of champagne, because getting arseholed on bubbly in charge of a dangerous vehicle on the briny is exactly what appeals to posh people with money to burn. She complains that he’s not listening to the specification (“he’s like a child in a toyshop – he’s distracted so easily” and sits around looking sad whilst he makes tugboat noises and pretends he’s firing torpedoes. Meanwhile Courtney and Grainne test each other on their Jetski knowledge whilst millions of potential Jetski customers waft past them.

Dillon’s in his element hanging fish cushions artfully around their stall (“Would you like to come inside our little aquarium?”) whilst miserable wet punters shuffle by. Jess springs into Walter Mitty-esque action, bullshitting any customers she can find with non-existent family members (“My four year old has one and loves it”) and sales (“We’ve sold loads”). ” You can’t lie” Paul tells her… “Yeah good advice” she rolls her eyes (to be fair it is sales – she has a point!).

Poor Dillon’s struggling to sell his watersports board (“It’s extremely – er – floatable”) but seems to have got a pity sale from a woman who promises she just has to go and find a cashpoint (Dillon “It’s the charm of the Irish”) then disappoints never to be seen again, so Dillon makes a face like a child who has learned the truth about Santa before starting sneakily trying to muscle in on Alana’s sale (“That was MY customer”, Alana “Lying bastard!”).

K’s also struggling to make sales but comes up with a masterful strategy to shift the changing robe (“I’m going to take my trousers off right now!” – presumably so people will buy the robe to wrap around their eyes). “Do you think that puts people off?” a traumatised Alana asks Sam, “should we tell him?”. Sam doesn’t care as long as someone else gets fired (“Leave it another hour”).

Sofiane consistently cocks up the boat specifications with George their first posh twat punter and it’s up to Fran to go on about it having a canopy. “He wants it… I can read his body language” he insists as Fran looks at him as though he’s a fart in human form.

Courtney makes a feeble attempt to pitch to the people ignoring him (“It’s a lovely day for er jetskis”). They call the subteam to explain how hard it is to sell and Alana pulls a “we’re doomed” face whilst Sam noticeably (to Claude) doesn’t offer to step in with his high end skillz (“Lets focus on these boards…” sees potential customer “are you into watersports madam?” – customer runs away). There’s no way Jess is going to let Sam win the task innuendo competition though and she hits back by trying to interest punters in a “full facial snorkel” (kinky!). I’m surprised she doesn’t manage too crowbar in Seaman Stains and Master Bates quite frankly. She tries modelling the snorkel for effect but Paul tells her she looks “like something out of a Stanley Kubrick movie!” (more David Cronenburg surely?).

Things pick up for Courtney and Grainne when they pitch to a bloke who runs a Jetski training company who wants four and they pass him on to Nigel the vendor when he wants to negotiate a bulk discount, having done everything right. “I’ll take over” Nigel informs them and they are ecstatic.

Meanwhile Sofiane does a legs akimbo calendar boy pose on the boat whilst Frances tries to tempt customers with a “couple of extras” and they look worried she means Sofiane’s bollocks rather than free life jackets. “Are you happy to go ahead?” she asks “Go on – it’s got a canopy!”. “Yeah go on” says the silly rich man as though he’s buying a big chocolate bar at the WH Smith till. However the voiceover warns ominously that all sales only go ahead after credit checks by the vendors.

Poor Dillon’s luck doesn’t improve when he tries to bulk sell all the stock to trade at the end of the day and the shop woman buys one fecking fish cushion for her dog to chew.

Back in the boardroom and Frances does a big gulp when Grainne mentions casually that they may have bulk sold four Jetskis. Dillon says he took Lord Sugar’s comment about selling as a “challenge” (Sugar “It was”) before blaming the weather for his poor sales whilst insisting he “engaged every single person”

Alana’s asked what she did and she’s disarmingly honest “I stood by the waterboards all day”. K’s excuse for not selling is having “all this PM admin work to do”. Chinny. The Titans are asked if K was a good PM and tumbleweed ensues until Alana says bluntly he’s a not a good leader.

Over on the other team Frances suggests Sofiane was “quite excited by the Jetski” which isn’t enough for Karren (“It’s fair to say VERY excited!”) although her diss goes right over Sof’s head as he wistfully declares he “sort of fell in love with the Jetski”. Jess is pulled up on her porky pies and nobody bothers to ask what the frick Trishna did all day, although she does at least pipe up in support of her PM.

The subteams scores are in and Nebula sold £2580.68 whereas Titans only sold £188.90. But surely the high end sales will swing it. Er no it doesn’t matter as to Grainne’s horrified disbelief not one of the Jetski sales went through (she misses a golden opportunity to blame this on Nigel the sarky vendor man who took over the bulk sale) whereas somehow Frances and Sofiane shifted two speedboats giving Nebula a total score of £40480 against Titans £188. Frances is moved to tears of relief and gratitude which Karren like a complete fucking bitch points out helpfully (“Do you want a tissue Frances – are you crying?”) because for all her supposed feminism she doesn’t mind showing up another woman for showing vulnerability.

Nebula get sent to do rowing with one of the British double gold medal winning rowers (no, not those ones – one of the ones nobody has heard of apart from maybe an answer on Pointless).

Sugar dismisses the rest disdainfully like he’s Charlie Brooker (“Go away”) such is his rage at their world of fail. In the Bridge Café Sam starts smugly sowing his seeds (“Courtney and Grainne should be worried”) until Alana points out he didn’t exactly put his case “that strongly” which K grasps upon like a drowning man holding onto a watersports board (“If you had showed passion I would have selected you”).

Back in the boardroom and K admits it is a “very very horrible day in business for me”. Grainne and Courtney are accused by Claude of putting all their Jetskis in one basket and not touting for trade from passing customers. Courtney suggests that all the other tasks Titans won were down to him. Sam moans that the water board things were hard to sell as they needed to be attached to a boat (Sugar “You were at a BOAT show!”) and Dillon backs him up (“I’ve seen Sam sell”) until Karren slaps him down (“What are you his spokesperson? Why don’t you talk about yourself?”).

Dillon reckons K let the task down but K says “A captain is as good as his team” and is adamant his name’s “on the board” to which Sugar responds yes for shittest task fail evah, before trying to liven up the format by announcing he doesn’t even trust K to bring anyone back and firing him for being “a diabolical PM”. Oooh! K’s still living the dream (delusion) in the Taxi of Doom where he declares he will build his own billion dollar “unicorn” business (Unicorn because it is a fantasy?).

Grainne is asked to suggest one person to bring back and she poises her knife expertly above Sam’s back, complaining that he is “just gliding through the process” (pretty much as Grainne is doing). Dillon’s asked to choose someone else and he can’t bring himself to say anyone, coming precariously close to dooming himself. And then under pressure he suggests himself (Doh!) and Alana for being “weak sellers”. Karren and Claude both think Dillon is too nice and knows too much about cushions, but also think Alana needs to put herself “forward” (this is the same Alana who won her task as PM right?). Back in the room and Sam gets the most flack for disregarding PM instructions like a maverick and his repricing of sweets against Alana’s recommendation in the task she won is mentioned, which he denies. Despite it being on film and everything. Dillon isn’t doing himself any favours claiming he’s not at his best “selling twelve apples for a pound” (which is a freaking bargain by the way! Hope his business plan isn’t a greengrocers) and that he prides himself “on my talent”. Alana sees which way the tide is turning and admits she does herself a “misjustice” by clamming up in the boardroom. Karren says she suffers “from a lack of confidence” but for once adds a bright side “it’s a great shame as you have a lot to offer”. Somehow she survives as Sugar suddenly remembers she has run her own business.

Sam’s fed up with being “accused of being a silent assassin” pointing out that he “top sold” in every task. Dillon insists he’s “not just a nice guy but can be really aggressive” and tries to look hard. “I’ve created money from air” he adds but Sugar cuts him down “being a nice guy is not enough to win this process” before firing Sam for not being a team player (“It’s nice to have nice people in business so Dillon you can stay” – eh?!). Sam follows K in the Taxi of regret (it’s like Strictly Come Dancing tonight) but he seems reasonably upbeat.

Back at the house Dillon snarls it’s “No more Mr Nice Guy” – cue a clip of him dressed as a sailor singing shanties in next week’s task. I am Dillon hear me Rahhhh!

Liking: Dillon , Sofiane, Alana

Wearing thin: Jess

Unconvinced by: Paul, Courtney, Frances, Trishna

The real silent assassin: Grainne

Bye Bye: Michelle, Natalie, Lovely Sausage Olly, Aleksandra (Conscientious Objector), Mukai (Utter Twat in a bow tie), JD, Rebecca, K, Sam

Week 6 and the twelve remaining candidates laze around the jacuzzi at 2.30pm. Of course this idyll can’t last and they’re rudely interrupted by a call (and my eyes are rudely interrupted by the brain scarring sight of Karthig aka K in his swimming togs – oddly it’s Dillon who’s wearing a sensible jumper who’s asking other candidates if HE looks like Michael Jackson). They’ve got 20 minutes to get to the 69th floor of Shard. “So he’s taking us up the shard?” muses Courtney wistfully.

K’s concerned it will be a all nighter task “I don’t do hard physical labour”. “What do you do?” Grainne asks and instantly regrets it as he answers “I eat, I drink, I make love. That’s what I do”.

Up the shard, Sugar tells the candidates he wanted them to see the wonderful panoramic view of London “one of the most multicultural places on earth” because nothing says exotic like a view of Bermondsey. The candidates have to purchase 9 items (“Some foreign, some British”) with only a grand, some business directories and a map to help them (just think – next year they’ll probably need a few grand to afford imported goods).

African Black Soap
A photograph they’ve taken of the London skyline at night printed as a poster
10 Robusto cigars
A tagine
A lengha
200 rainbow bagels
Some birds of paradise
An American style pool cue

The task is overnight finishing at 6am so Sugar says they’ll need stamina as well as negotiation skills and knowing when to buy to get the best deal. The team spending the least wins and there’s fines for any unpurchased items.

Trishna’s switched to Nebula with Paul, Fran, Sofiane, Jess and Rebecca (who stays mysteriously quiet when they choose a team leader despite promising Lord Sugar last week she’d prove her skills as PM, so Trishna ends up leading thanks to her Lahndahn knowledge and decides to split the teams by location as Paul fancies himself as an East End geezer). Sofiane ignores most of the strategy talk as he’s too busy trying to snap the perfect photo of the skyline and they practically have to drag him into the car to make him stop. He then twats about going straight to a printers and obsessing over picking the best picture he took (Trishna: “It doesn’t matter”) arguing the print bloke down from a steep £30 to a pretty steep £24 and wasting time watching it get printed with a loving tear in his eye at his artistry.

Courtney elects himself leader of Titans (K, Grainne, Alana, Dillon, Samuel) as he has experience negotiating with factories in China and concentrates on finding out where the products are first.

Nobody knows what a rambutan is. Frances thinks it’s a bread, Sofiane reckons meat, someone else correctly guesses fruit so just to be different Paul suggests it could be a vegetable.

Over on Titans K knows most of the items and Samuel finds an outlet setting black soap in SE2 which Courtney with his amazing London knowledge reckons is right next to the Shard (to the driver “Take us to SE2”). Oops! Half way through the Blackwell tunnel he starts worrying as they have gone off the end of the map and about an hour later they reach the cash and carry where they only get a poxy 35p off the price of the soap. Still there is a nice shot of an urban fox rummaging round the car park so it’s not a total waste.

K admits that he’s proper “Indianning up” on the phone to lengha suppliers, convinced he needs to start a beautiful relationship in order to secure a deal. With the shops due to close at 10pm, he’s perturbed when Dillon insists on a diversion to a pool club which closes at 2.30am to pick up the pool cue.

Frances looks dubiously out of the car window at Brick Lane. “Is this the ghetto?” she asks. “This is trendy” Paul insists. She looks unconvinced. He manages to argue the price down on the rainbow bagels from £100 to £70 and swaggers round all but shouting “This is my manor” and “Who’s the facking daddy” for the rest of the show (“I grew up a mile from here.. I know how to deal with people in this area”).

K’s going for the full slow haggle (“Asian persuasion” as he calls it) at the Lengha shop (“You will not get any profit from me today .. it’s me asking you a favour”). After several hours exchanging life stories, the Lengha shop manager declares “As we’re friends now there are two other shops over the road who may be able to accommodate your needs” (probably one of the politest “please fuck off”s I’ve seen). K starts the whole process again (“I hear you’re from Bombay”) explaining that although it’s slow “that’s how things work in this culture”. After what seems a week he argues the price down from £70 to £55.

Contrast with Frances who strolls in, and noting that no size is stated for the Lengha asks for the cheapest child size and argues the price down to £20.

It’s the small wee hours in Bethnal Green and the music of police sirens fills the night air whilst Trishna’s team wander around newsagents asking what rambuttan is (“I dunno? A fish?”) and optimistically asking for posh cigars. Sofiane offers to try calling for a Tagine, but she insists it’s the other teams job, even though she’s supposed to be in the West of London at this point. In the East end subteam Rebecca gets a lead “Do you have tagines… er tahines? Yes! And black soap”. The guy on the other end of the phone says something about having various types of soap (I think he says Turkish) and despite Paul not being sure the manager has understood what Rebecca was asking for, they all agree to take an hour’s jaunt down to this shop in bloody Streatham where it transpires they have tahini and different types of soup. Whoopsie!

Courtney decides to go to a posh restaurant in Belgravia to buy the cigars and sends Alana in to use her feminine wiles on the ghost of Peter O’Toole who’s doubling as a genteel and slightly bored maître d’. The cigars cost £23.60 each but Alana insists she would be ecstatic if they could buy 10 for £140. “Give me a reason” says Peter O’Toole hoping for a blowie at the very least, but instead she dithers on about them being “lovely people”, but to Karren’s disgust he still lets her buy them for £145. “She was pathetic but he fell for it… god knows why!” Karren hisses. Miaow!

Jess decides to tell her potential cigar salesman, who is wearing a twatty hat and looks like he lives with his mum. that she’s buying cigar for her dad and she’s not from London which immediately puts his asking price up to £26 each. She’s reduced to giggling and begging (“You’d be making me dad a very happy man.. oh I haven’t got enough money” – presumably because he wants to smoke himself to death) until eventually he offers a paltry quid discount per cigar (“I’m doing this because I need to get some sleep”).

Courtney arrives at the same bagel shop (are there no others in London?) about 5 hours after Paul bought all their bagels but manages to convince them to cook a new batch up for slightly more than Paul paid and then waits around for an hour for them to finish baking.

Nobody seems to know what a tagine is apart from Sofiane who’s banned from trying to find one. Courtney decides to go to Turkish supermarkets (Alana “Is Morocco in Turkey?” Courtney “I don’t know”) who turn him away Tagine-free (“Sorry – we’re Turkish”).

Over in New Covent Garden Grainne susses out that they are selling shit Birds of Paradise flowers for a fiver including VAT. Paul’s subteam fare less well finding the biggest grinning gobshite in NCG who responds unsympathetically to their pleas of needing the flowers but having a low budget (“Well you’re in trouble then” Ho ho ho. Tosser).

They all suss out what rambuttan is and manage to buy it for 2kg each. “They’re like lychees with hair” Trishna muses. “Reminds me of something else actually” Jess leers, giggling (Trishna:”Ugh Jessica!”). Filth!

It’s 4am but Courtney’s not as worried as the rest of his team (“Time is a cruel mistress”) and eventually takes his photo and pops it into a print shop with an hour to go arguing the price down from £11 to only £7.50. There’s less than half an hour to go and Alana watches the printer chug for the slowest five minutes imaginable (“Oh my god this is unbearable”) before they can leg it back to the shard where the Titans realise that Nebula haven’t made it back in time.

Back in the boardroom and Sofiane gets stick for concentrating on his precious photo and not much else. Jess’s crap negotiation is also under fire as is Trishna for being forced to abandon her stance on getting a set price due to time worries. It’s revealed that Fran only paid £20 for the Lengha and Sugar confirms he didn’t specify a size at which Grainne gives a sheepish K one of her best hacky looks.

Rebecca’s communication breakdown and subsequent trip to Streatham rightly gets the most stick and Karren who is in full on beeyatch mode tells Rebecca it should have been a clue that not many shops sell both tagines and African soap (actually there’s at least one in Colchester that I think does, I’m not convinced Karren is an expert on world food shops).

Courtney gets verbals for his SE2 fail. Karren sticks the boot into Alana over her cigar negotiation putting on a bitchy girly voice (“Oh please I’m so nice”). Alana points out that it worked and Karren insists he just wanted to go to bed (I bet he did!). Poor Alana doesn’t deserve this and argues the case that it shouldn’t matter “as long as I got the end point” at which point Sugar joins in “You don’t need nice or charming in business” and Alana looks chastened.

Sugar reckons Courtney’s picture was “a bit dark” and Sofiane looks chuffed despite his being over £15 dearer.

Nobody got the tagine, and Sugar’s scripted joke is actually quite funny “Walking around London at midnight looking for a strong Moroccan pot could have got you into trouble”.

Anyhow the scores are in

Titans brought 8 items back and paid £333.11 but were fined £75 (!) for the missing tagine so the total was £408.11

Nebula only got 7 items and got back late so had £157.75 fines added to their spend of £362.80 making £520.65 and poor Trishna looks gutted.

The winners get a pampering session which gives yet another disturbing insight into K as he relaxes under the kneady fingers of a masseuse crooning creepily “Put your back into it… thanks Simona that’s great.. keep going”. Ugh.

Sad music plays in the Bridge Café as Sofiane’s still banging on about the tagine and yet again Rebecca is bleating that it’s not her fault (“I’m sick of being rounded upon”).

Back in the boardroom and the team discover they paid more than the other team on 5 items so it was a negotiation disaster as well as a tactical fail in going to 24 hour shops first rather than later. Trishna brings Rebecca back for being daft enough to consider going to Streatham in the middle of the night and Sofiane for not listening or contributing. Lord Sugar lets the others go but warns Fran she needs to be on a winning team soon and she promises to try on the next task.

Rebecca says she didn’t take the PM role this time as the task was more suited to Trishna. “Are you going to keep making that excuse” Sugar growls. Sofiane insists he did offer suggestions about the tagine, but Trishna points out it wasn’t his job to (“I understand it’s from your background”). Rebecca senses a way out and blames Sofiane for not negotiating well until Karren points out that Rebecca paid £30 more than the other team on the one item she brought. “I’m not a negotiator” Rebecca moans, “that’s not what I do” and Sugar paraphrases what everyone’s thinking asking what the feck she does do.

Whilst Sugar’s concerned by Sofiane’s maverick tendencies (warning him “Don’t be an autocrat” cos that’s Sugar’s job) and Trishna’s lack of adherence to her initial strategy he has to fire Rebecca who, having been duller than a video about Tupperware for 6 episodes comes up with the quote of the series so far in the taxi of regret (“In the end I think I went because I’m not a twat basically”).

Next week the teams appear to be flogging maritime goods (at least I hope so as otherwise asking members of the public if they enjoy watersports is taking the show in a whole new direction).

Liking: Dillon , Sofiane, Alana (who I sort of want to win now after the beasting Karren gave her this week)

OK: Frances, Jess (again!), Trishna

Plastic Cockney Geezer of the week: Paul

Meh: Courtney, Samuel, Grainne

In a league of his own: K

Bye Bye: Michelle, Natalie, Lovely Sausage Olly, Aleksandra (Conscientious Objector), Mukai (Utter Twat in a bow tie), JD, Rebecca

Week 5 sees me staying in the pub having a nice chat rather than rushing back to see the remaining bunch of clueless arsehats debase themselves for our furry walnut faced peer.

This week the challenge was to crowd fund to advertise cycling products through creating an event, a website and a social media buzz then pitching to cycling experts. I’m not quite sure how the whole pledging malarkey works as I turn up about 25 minutes in and it appears that people are being encouraged to offer small amounts of money in order to get products worth far more. Why don’t you just try selling dear boys?

The teams have been jumbled again (as though we care) so now Samuel leads the Titans of Dillon, Courtney, Trishna, Alana, Grainne and the inimitable Special K’ness of Karthig.

Nebula (Jess, Rebecca, Sofiane, Angry Paul, Fran) somehow elect JD as their leader and he bumbles around giving everyone much more power than he has and trying to ignore everything going to shit.

The teams check out the amazing cycling inventions like one that makes your bike explode if you cycle on the pavement or if you go round the corner on a public footpath without ringing your bell to warn pedestrians. Unfortunately they get most excited about some headphones cyclists can wear to drown out the screams of pedestrians they hit but enable them to hear traffic, which JD’s team plumps for. Sam’s team go for a gilet with a flashing zip which doubles as both cyclist and nighttime prowler wear. I’ve never understood gilets anyhow – if your arms don’t get colder than your tummy what sort of freak are you?

Nebula get the run of King’s Cross Station to stage their crowd event and go for the nice idea of a gospel choir singing about how great cyclists are or something. Unfortunately when Rebecca films it she just gets one gospel singers arm and a few bored commuters in the background.

Samuel apparently ignores everyone else’s ideas including Alana’s (Can anyone actually hear her?) and creates some frightening mime theatre play at Waterloo station which looks like a blind pimp beating up a woman. (Apparently it’s meant to be a bloke on a mime bike hitting someone – does that have anything to do with having strangely warm arms and a shiny zip?). I come in as Grainne stands around tutting and moaning but doesn’t really offer any suggestions herself and when Samuel tries to discuss it she snaps “I’m not having this conversation!” later adding “If he doesn’t want to listen let’s lose!”. Trishna’s charged with social media and manages to spell GILET wrong (my spellcheck suggests Gilts or Gimlets by the way) in between Hashtagging everything from #cyclepaths to #villagebikes. As any fool knows you spell it T.W.A.T.C.O.S.Y.

Meanwhile in the week’s most uncomfortable trio at a table scene ANGRY Paul is losing his shit whenever Sofiane tries to interrupt him with an idea for the website and demands Sofiane just writes on a piece of paper to communicate so Paul can wipe his angry arse it is. “Can we JUST THINK!” Jess demands, her brain exploding with the enormity of being the most reasonable person in a scene. Paul seems to be Basil Fawltying to Bruce (the Gilet supplier) and quickly writes up pledges for the additional items on the site without mentioning the RRP or listening to anyone else.

Anyhow the teams get their chance to pitch to the cycle retailers and Sam asks K who’s strongest on the subteam. K bigs up everyone (including himself) except Alana who gets the righteous hump. K digs a bigger hole by explaining he doesn’t think she’s crap but “you know what happened..I forgot your name”. Sam decides that Trishna should pitch by virtue of being least obviously insane or something.

JD decides that Sofiane should pitch on pricing whilst he leads and Frances does girly marketing (this week is all about the everyday sexism).

The Titans boys work on Samuel so he drops Trishna from the pitch and gets K to open, Courtney to do the maths whilst he ends with social media. “Do you know enough about it?” Trishna asks and Sam’s adamant he does which pisses her off righteously. K actually does a storming opening “How many of you here sell Hi Vis Clothing? Oh yes some do so I am in the right room” to cycle retailers this is the height of urbane wit and they lap up his nerdish blurb about “Snazzy fashion that keeps you safe as well”. Courtney drops the ball by stammering through the numbers and Sam deflates the tyres of energy by waffling at length about how great their mime bike version of Death Race 2000 at Waterloo station was.

JD goes next and tells the cycling experts how cycling is really popular since the 2012 Olympics like they don’t have the slightest fucking clue. Sofiane waffles on about the product without mentioning prices leaving poor Frances having to blag it “There’s only one package buy 180 and get a 40% discount, but then there’s a smaller package where you buy 12 for £389 and it’s also a 40% discount”. Quite rightly a cycling retailer asks, what’s the difference then. Sofiane wakes up and suggests you save more on the bigger spend, but Frances burbles on that it suits the smaller retailer best, which pisses off Mr Big Shot Bigger Retailer who asked the question.

In the Boardroom it’s pointed out that Trishna’s spelling GILLET actually means “Loose woman”. Claude bigs up Alana’s idea (involving a black screen and the gilet actually lighting up visibly which sounds far too clear) and condemns K for destroying it. “Yes I have a little creative streak” K says smugly. Sam’s Waterloo bike mugging video is roundly panned and Grainne sticks the boot in (“I may have well talked to the wall – it was all Sam”). “You never gave me any suggestions” Sam bleats and Grainne goes all Mrs Doyle (“Ah there’s no point asking me now – it’s over!”).

Sam’s slapped down for his rubbish pitch but it transpires one of retailers said K was ‘superb’. Queen bitch Karren is quick to piss on his parade (“You described it as snazzy which is a word I haven’t heard since 1975”) before conceding “it was very engaging”.

Rebecca’s video for Nebula gets some stick and Paul is in the firing line for failing to put RRPs on his website to incentivise pledges. Paul is contrite (“I have to take responsibility for that I should have been far more detailed”) because taking ownership of mistakes is a good thing, right?

Anyhow Nebula got £681 worth of pledges whereas Titans got buy in from two retailers and got £788 (is that fucking all?!).

The Titans are sent to learn how to cook (which appears to involve waving a condom full of gravy about if Dillon’s clip is anything to go by). Grainne and Sam clearly hate each other now but Sam’s management wonk speak won’t allow him to admit it (“I must try to work more cohesively with her”).

Sugar’s annoyed at Nebula for blowing the best product and banishes them to the Bridge café where JD holds his hands up and Paul gets angry at Sofiane for pointing out how shit his website. “You had input” (via a piece of paper) Paul insists. “The stress was pouring out of your ears” Sofiane winds him up.

Back in the room and Rebecca looks resigned when Sugar points out she’s been on the losing team five times. JD says he didn’t have involvement with the rewards subteam until Karren points out he was Project Manager and went home early and he admits he tried to go and check on them “but they said they didn’t want us there”. Oh dear. “So what? Just go” Karren points out. “Fair point he concedes”.

He brings back Paul (who looks angry) and Rebecca (who was doing marketing but as Sugar says “created all the buzz of a dead bee”).

Paul thinks someone else should have been brought back (“Sofiane’s a complete maverick”) and denies he’s aggressive (why have I been calling him “Angry Paul” for weeks?) and JD holds his hands up again for not bringing Sofiane back. “Another mistake?” snides Karren. “Are you throwing in the towel?” Sugar asks. “I’ve made mistakes and held my hand up” JD insists. Cos Paul did that earlier and that’s a good thing right?


“I can’t go into business with someone who makes mistakes” Sugar insists forgetting that old adage that the man who can’t make a mistake can’t make anything but a shit phone that sends emails which nobody wants.

Paul insists he will take the lead in the process and Rebecca gets a dig in (“Will you do that by shouting more?”). Paul insists she needs to stand up for yourself and she insists “I’m not here to SHOUT. SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT.” “OK you’ve milked the shouting I get the point” Sugar snaps. However he sacks JD for admitting his mistakes (FFS!) and gives Rebecca one more chance after the five she’s had. His advice to Paul is to “man up”. I really don’t think he needs that advice.

Poor old JD still apologising in the Taxi of Doom (“I’m sorry I didn’t put up more of a fight”) but he should take heart that everyone’s sad to see Rebecca back instead of him.

Paul proves his twat credentials by insisting “THE HEAT IS ON!”. Twice!

Next week the candidates go on a treasure hunt. At one point Frances will ask “Is this like the ghetto”. Where will they be? My money’s on South Norwood.

Liking: Dillon , Sofiane, Alana

Angry Twat: Angry Paul

OK: Frances, Jess (again!), Trishna

Confusingly genius yet terrible simultaneously: K

Being of Beige: Rebecca

Still a ShitWeasel: Courtney

Rubbish: Samuel

Nope still Totally rubbish: Grainne

Bye Bye: Michelle, Natalie, Lovely Sausage Olly, Aleksandra (Conscientious Objector), Mukai (Utter Twat in a bow tie), JD