Archives for the month of: November, 2018

Everyone’s dragged to the old BBC TV centre at the made-up time of 5.30am and it’s sad to see the old place looking empty. The teams have to pick products to sell on a shopping channel, which Lord Sugar declares shift a billion quid worth of tut a year. They also have to make a promotional video for a product. Most sales wins.

In a pointless exercise in “balancing” the teams, Dan and Sarah-Ann are moved to Typhoon (joining Sabrina and Sian) whereas Tom is put on Collaborative (Sarah-Ann, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie). Er why?

Dan and Jackie go all Nostradamus and predict a double firing this week.

Everyone wants to lead Collaborative and Jackie suggests everyone say who should be PM. She picks Tom even though he’s never even watched a shopping channel and he seems to get the wrong end of the stick and assume she’s playing Kingmaker (“What do you want? Er I don’t mind”) which everyone else accepts.  Tom announces he will present and everyone looks worried. Jackie puts herself forward too, but Khadija wants to be on telly (“This is about getting people to love you!” er) and Tom is an idiot so picks her for having “more passion”.  Another shot of Jackie looking sad and Khadija looking smug. Jackie and Camilla are horrified.

Sian wants to lead Typhoon and everyone backs her. She picks Dan to present as he talked so much shit last week (Dan: “I got the chat, I got the looks, I got the quiff”). Sarah Ann is sent to present too whilst Sabrina toodles off with Sian to pick products. Or to watch Sian pick products and ignore all her suggestions.

The teams browse for products at TJC Feltham’s big warehouse full of shite. Sian’s obsessed by numbers and plumps for some gold earrings selling at nearly £3,000. Sabrina worries it’s too high end and they don’t have enough knowledge to sell them, but Sian’s determined to take a risk. They also pick a spiraliser and a leather handbag and some weird spinning bog brush on a stick. Quality.

Camilla wants high end stuff but Jackie reminds her of the useless twats who will be presenting and they steer towards cheap stuff that even idiots should be able to talk about. They pick some hair curlers, tooth whitener, a giant pink vagina that is allegedly an inflatable chair and a £900 pendant.

Tom attends “presenter training” and has to sell a “pug in a mug”. He can’t even make that sound fun. “You need a bit more energy. You need to be more personable about it” says the trainer. “Er yeaahh” drawls Tom “it’s a solid mug.. it’s so generic”.

Dan struggles in his training to sell a “lovely perfume” with a woman talking over him and shouting “keep talking” and he gets a spot of performance anxiety, drying up with a big stupid grin. “Dead air is bad” warns the trainer.

Daniel worries about the £2,951 hoop earrings that Sian brings back. “If I was spending that I would like a guy to sit down with me and put it on my face” (er what?) he whimsies. “I’d want to feel loved”.

It’s time to make the promo. Khadija suggests that someone doing their hair or make-up quickly sells on these channels so Tom films her styling her hair (oddly interspersed with people doing weights) whilst getting disturbingly over-enthused (I believe it’s more usual to shout “cut” after the last shot rather than “Oh you absolute animal!”).

Sian sends Sarah-Ann and Daniel to make a promo ad for the “Spin Scrubber”  urging them to “keep it classy”. They head for a show home, only realising upon arrival that (Dan) “We didn’t fucking turn up with the product did we?” The bloke at the show home looks disgusted and they’re forced (confusingly) to go and get the product and then film to promo in a car park where Sarah-Ann pretends to clean the car by pointing the bog brush on a stick at it whilst talking a million miles an hour like she’s been on the red bull AND the coke and looks genuinely spooked when she turns it on and it starts er spinning. She even manages to use the wrong name (Spin Stopper?). How did the promo go asks Sabrina on their return. “I think it would be a more efficient use of our time to crack on” he sidesteps unconvincingly – unfortunately a producer arrives at that very moment to say they can’t run the promo as it’s a big bag o’ shite. Sian=disappointed.

Sian meanwhile gets to patronise and exclude Sabrina a bit more by deciding that she will do all the talking in the crew room on the channel whilst Sabrina presses buttons and stays away from anything else. Surprised she’s even allowed to press the buttons.

Jackie and Camilla decide to switch roles between talking and button pressing so that only one person is talking at any time. Tom however insists that one person should speak and one does prices, which Camilla interprets as meaning that she should do ALL the speaking. Nobody else. Just her.  This gives Jackie somewhat of the arse on.

So it’s countdown to airtime and Khadija’s first word is “SHIT!”. “Your mic is live” a producer informs her dryly in her earpiece. I’m not convinced she’s loving the giant vagina chair. “It’s amazing!” she blethers. “It’ssssssssssss” (deflating?). She drags it around and does anything to avoid sitting in it. “It’s self inflating” she says. “No it’s not” Camilla tells her. “In that you need to inflate it yourself” finishes Khadija. Camilla tells her to sit in it and she collapses unhappily into its rosy lips – it’s like it’s giving birth to her. She looks relieved to head over to Tom who does his best to be smooth. He manages creepy (“Hey how’s it going?”). He refuses to demo the tooth whitener (“I’m not gonna demo it yet I’m gonna say why you shouldn’t miss out”) until Camilla practically screams “Put it in your mouth!”. Everything freezes and Jackie has to tell Camilla to tell Tom to move. The promo plays and Khadija tries to talk about the curlers but Camilla is annoyed by Khadija’s style of selling and tells her to let Tom speak, cos that makes fucking sense. Unsurprisingly Tom does not demonstrate an in depth knowledge of hair styling products (“It’s er such a good thing to get”).

Khadija ends up flogging the pedant (“One more amazing product – if you’re a hubby out there show your wife you appreciate her” – Khadija seems to be from the 1950s) and reads from the label it’s “Triple A – that is like the best of the best of the best!”. Camilla informs her it isn’t. “You could get better or er spend more money on more things” wibbles Khadija. They flog two and Camilla insists on lowering the price for some reason.

Their slot finishes. “So that wasn’t great” says Camilla. “That was terrible” agree the crew. “That was something else.” mumbles a now as pumped as he possibly could be Tom. “It was good – honestly” lies Camilla. “Was any of it awkward?” asks Tom. There’s an awkward silence.

It’s Typhoon’s turn and Sarah Ann’s flogging the leather handbag, repeatedly drilling in (on Sian’s command) that it’s “100% genuine leather”. Over to Dan and he seems to think the spiraliser (“my personal favourite”) is a portable item (“Take it in your handbag use it anywhere on the go” –erm- “I don’t know where you’re going” – we don’t know where you’re going Dan – “but it’s probably better places than me”. Agreed).

It’s Spin Scrubber time and Sian actually listens to Sabrina’s suggestion to make it “fun”. Unfortunately they fail and just talk over each other. Dan insists it “has made cleaning a pleasure” and impressively it’s effective “within a couple of strokes” (madam!). Dan also travels back in time, insisting it’s a “great way to impress the wife” whilst Sarah Ann wafts it over the prop bookcase.

They co-present the hoop earrings and one sells already causing Sian to momentarily lose the plot in her excitement. Sarah-Ann gets in on the 1950s action (“If you bought me this, I’d marry you tomorrow”). Sabrina wants to drop the price to try for more sales – and on one sale maybe she has a point – but Sian won’t listen and is determined to stick by every decision she’s made.

In the boardroom, Tom thinks Jackie was happy to be “on the side” rather than presenting (er no), but Sugar’s surprised the strongest presenter wasn’t picked. Khadija gets all stroppy (“ Jackie had several opportunities – people should get a chance to see I’m also strong at pitching” – Sugar looks unconvinced).

Sugar thinks the “Self inflating lounger” (NOT self inflating!) sounds like “Piers Morgan” – who coincidentally also doubles as a giant vagina. Collaborative’s half decent promo is shown and Sarah-Ann looks crestfallen. It apparently generated 34 sales too. Jackie and Camilla argue about the strategy for talking and button pressing. I think Jackie’s right on this one but who really cares? Camilla accuses Jackie of “speaking in the background and being negative” (er she saved your arse a few times there Camilla).

vagchair.jpg

Piers Morgan yesterday.

Sian’s asked about the products. She liked the fact the leather bag was real leather. Sabrina chuckles (“I think we got that across”). Sarah-Ann admits they forgot to take the product to the promo shoot and as punishment the video is shown. “Not my finest hour” a sheepish Sarah-Ann admits.

Sugar asks Daniel about his “proposal” during the hoop earrings selling. “I’ll  do anything for the team” shrugs Dan.

Anyhow sales time and we’re finally reminded that sometimes people say they’re buying but don’t go through with it because the drugs wear off by the time they’ve found their credit card. So real confirmed sales are £1,329 to Collaborative (the pendant sales were reneged) and £1,467 for Typhoon (the earrings sale didn’t go through).

A win by the narrowest of margins demands a treat by the narrowest sense of the world so Typhoon are sent to watch a film in a park (“Little Shop of Horrors” – oh ho ho!).

Tom is sacked on the spot for being a third time losing PM. Bish Bosh Bang no messing. No hugs, no coffee no taxi of despair no nothing. The others are sent to Café Doom where they try their best to appear civil whilst turning the passive aggressive dial to 11. Camilla accuses Jackie of playing strategically and pushing Tom to be PM to set him up for a fail. Er what? Back in the boardroom, Sugar seems to have picked up on this theory (“You all knew Tom was at the last chance hotel”).

Jackie insists she’s the “closest person to Tom”, but Camilla admonishes her (“If you’d had Toms best interest at heart”) and Khadija also feels Jackie shouldn’t have forced Tom (poor little Tom) to be PM. So here we are Apprentice 2018 three supposedly adult women arguing over a man.

Sugar then asks if Khadija has an aggressive manner. “NO!!!” she snaps and goes into a big rubbish crying jag about everyone else being a game player and how she has a “big heart”. Even Sugar sees through that “Oh come on… he’s a big boy”.

Sugar asks who made the decision to drop the pendant price after two sold 30 seconds before it went off air. Camilla looks all proud (“I made that decision”). “Where’s your brain?” retorts Sugar. Camilla then moans Jackie gave her “no back up” (Oh FFS!) and they argue (Camilla: “You couldn’t even do the clicking”) whilst Sugar looks weary.

He gets advice from Karren and Claude (who thinks Jackie is “manipulative but brilliant”). Back in Jackie may just blow things for herself by announcing how ace and skill she is and how she set up a business for $2k and sold it for $2million, prompting Sugar to ask what she’s doing there? “I want to experience business with someone at a different level and I want to understand my skill set through the process and prove what I can do” (translation if she wins she will nick all his contacts, if she loses she’s got some free advertising for her idea – a “sponsorship package standardisation” thingy).

Not to be outdone Khadija boasts about starting a business from £20 whilst raising 2 kids. Camilla adds that lactose intolerance (whilst working on a diary farm – ha!) drove her to milking nuts in a kitchen on the other side of her house which she sells to local shops. Sugar likes this and reminisces about boiling beetroots and making lemonade as a boy. To him Camilla and Khadija are both acorns who are looking for a life changing amount of money to scale up their businesses whilst Jackie is a mighty oak and so she is fired for being a strong successful intelligent woman whilst the other two numpties are sent back to the house. Who said life is fair? He worries Khadija may be too aggressive but keeps her in for theTelly (at least until she savages someone).

Jackie is candid and likeable in the Taxi (for her of wry smiles and shrugs). “I guess I need a job… I was hoping to walk away and win it but that didn’t play out, but first” she leans back “I’m going to take a holiday”. You go girl.

Back at the house Sarah is shocked (“MASSIVE plot twist!”).

Next week the candidates make chocolates for xmas – even though the things filmed in Spring.

 

Liking: Sabrina, Daniel

Could win: Sian

Meh: Sarah Ann, Camilla

Scary Lady: Khadija

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie

 

 

 

 

It’s 4.30am (hmm) and the remaining besuited twots have to go to Kelvingrove Art Gallery in thatGlasgow, where Karren and Claude flank a screen showing Lord Sugar as he can’t make it having the urgent business of not being arsed to go to Scotland to attend to. Pixel Sugar informs them they have to choose a contemporary artist and sell their work both at a gallery event and to a corporate client.

Over on Typhoon (Tom, Sabrina, Sian and Jasmine) whilst Sabrina has no idea about art, Tom’s Dad and sister are artists, Sian did art A’Level and Jasmine likes visiting art galleries in order to feign human emotions and is therefore elected as PM. She reveals that “I had to lead as I don’t want to sit back and watch some else make lots of mistakes. Buzz Click Whirr”. She makes Sian subteam leader, sending her and Sabrina off to meet the client and takes Tom to select art. Sabrina worries that she and Sian don’t have enough art knowledge, but Jasmine is not interested in the protestations of the puny human.

Over on Collaborative (Sarah-Ann, Daniel, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie), Jackie “minored” in fine art (“I did Post Modern Impressionism” – eh? Is that like Rory Bremner doing Mike Yarwood?) and is duly elected supreme guru. She makes Sarah-Ann leader of the corporate client meeting sub-team and takes Daniel off to talk art-wank to the artists.  To be fair he’s fricking good at it (although telling Sophie Morgan, a paralysed artist who specialises in “blind drawing” that she can “draw better with your eyes closed than me with my eyes open” takes the team patronising the arts to new levels). Next they meet Solvig Dottir who does a mixture of wacky (gummy bears spelling out Home Sweet Home) and weird. Daniel pretends to like a sculpture of a horse (“I can see the messages coming forward”) but revels that he’s treading “a fine line between interpretation and blagging” and that he really thinks most normal people wouldn’t want a “big structure with a duck with his arse in the air” in their home.

Tom tries his best to connect to an oil painter (“To me feelings and emotions are er deep”) , but he’s more interested in the fact her daubings sell for a grand a splurge and immediately demands 50% commission. The artist laughs in his face (“which half of the painting is yours?”) and offers him 35%. “I could work with you” Tom sulks. Supposed art lover Jasmine does no better with Sophie Morgan’s sketchs. “Is this how you would sell them? In frames?” she asks (yes Jasmine that is how humans do such things). She’s agreed with Tom that she will lead the conversation but the sour faced twatty goateed fool keeps interrupting her and eventually talks over her. Outside he mumbles about her letting him edge in occasionally so he doesn’t feel too emasculated.

Kadija, Camilla and Sarah-Ann go to a showroom selling sound systems. When the bloke proudly plays some music to demonstrate what they’re about, rather than listen Sarah-Ann keeps talking (“Is it surround sound?”) and I can’t help feeling blokey is pressing a secret button down the side of his chair to turn the sound up and drown her wittering out. The client says they would spend up to £4,000 but the piece would need to reflect their “three key pillars of innovation, provenance and experience” (Khadija mouths them out loud uncomprehendingly as she writes this down). They relay this information back to Jackie and Dan – explaining that they think that “innovation means erm something innovative and that provenance means to provoke or maybe the province you’re from”. Unfortunately Dan doesn’t hang up quick enough to hide his “Oh my GOD!” as he and Jackie piss themselves laughing at their thicky subteam.

Sabrina and Sian visit Events Website ItIsOn who are predictably Nathan Barley in their business surroundings.

It’s like this but worse.SugarApe

The pretentious Hoxton twits warm to Sabrina who enthusiastically slides down the pole in their office and Karren is impressed with the rapport built. This client would also spend £4K as long as the artwork is really fucking stupid and pointless. Sabrina tries to relay this to Tom and Jasmine but they don’t really listen. Because it’s Sabrina talking. However they do take on board some of this and go for Solvig the sculptress (thankfully not put off by Tom banging on about price) as it will appeal most to the corporate client although Jasmine worries they’re putting all their eggs in one basket.

Jackie and Dan visit Eleanor the oil painting lady. “I find them quite captivating. They’re dark and sinister from one perspective but with an inner  brightness” bullshits Dan. “But what’s your feeling?”. “I could only reiterate what you said” says oil painting lady – I think she only does it to see the big stunned “WTF?” on Dan’s face. They agree that it won’t please the corporate client but gamble on her work having more public appeal.

Next day, his uncanny success with Oily Eleanor having gone to his head, Daniel has morphed into his idea of what an art lover looks like. In his case it’s wearing a linen suit with a hanky in his pocket and fixing his hair Dumb and Dumber/Dwayne Dibley style (“I’m blending art into the individual”). The rest of the team look sadly at the chosen paintings (Khadija in particular looks confused and horrified) and Camilla worries that these won’t appeal to the public as they would “have to look at it and try to understand it” hence missing the point of art. The subteam is sent to look after the gift shop whilst Jackie passive aggressively tries to force customers to “reserve” pieces of art by putting little amber stickers below them as though that means something. Sarah-Ann wants to lower the prices of the art related tea towels and tat. Jackie says “Yeah. So lets go high end”. Ha. Unfortunately their customers laugh at them trying to sell a tote bag for £25 when you could get the same thing in Waitrose probably with a lovely picture of a cucumber or some halloumi on it for a fiver.

Sian and Sabrina however love the sculptures – Sabrina in particular thinks the Home Sweet Home piece would be right up their client’s wall. Jasmine insists that she and Tom should do all the selling and talking, having met the artist and Sabrina and Sian are consigned to the gift shop of shame where Sabrina annoys Sian by not obeying orders (to be fair Sian isn’t helping by giving any constructive orders, she’s just being stroppy and telling Sabrina to leave her alone while she does loads of printing for some reason). Jasmine manages to sell one of the cheaper pieces (“an ice cream plaque”?), somewhat desperately banging on about it being an “investment in contemporary art. Whirr click”. Unfortunately, Sabrina, like Cinderella, has decided to come to the ball and is wandering around waving art tea towels, distracting customers from the massively expensive sculptures, as it’s more fun than being moaned at by Sian. Jasmine spots her and dispatches her back to the scullery sorry gift shop before.

Daniel is holding fawning women of a certain age spellbound with his marvellous art-wankery. He confides to camera that “Jackie knows what she’s talking about – I haven’t a fucking clue”. Proper warming to Daniel. And he manages to make sales, even chucking in a free tote bag to the lady who laughed at Sarah-Ann. Haha!

Meanwhile Tom’s gone full Partridge in his attempts to sell. “You look at it and think ‘What’s going on? Why? Where is it? Where’s it going?’”

Khadija gets the arse on for Camilla trying to talk nicely to potential customers that she’s been shouting on at about cushion covers (“Come directly and see me if you want anything. My name’s Khadija but call me K” – she sounds a bit King’s Cross with that sort of patter). Later she whinges that Camilla is “disruptive” and “desperate to get sales”. She really is an argumentative cow.

Jasmine tries to send Sabrina and Sian outside to sell stock as they “won’t be pivotal to selling to the corporate client”. Sabrina pushes back (“But we have built a strong rapport with the client”) but Jasmine insists she needs to listen and work as a team player.

Of course the client arrives and promptly asks where Sabrina and Sian are, but Jasmine ploughs on with no understanding of their “ethos”, telling them she chose a shiny owl sculpture for them as Sabrina or Sian said something about “er birds”. “Not quite” explains the client, “there’s a tree in the office” (of course). They take a shine to the Home Sweet Home piece. Now who was it who thought they’d like that?

Sabrina’s gagging to go and talk to the client, but Sian is busy packing stock to take out and insisting that “Jasmine told us to go”.

Another customer returns who also fancied the Gummy Bear Home Sweet Home. “You’ve come at the perfect time” says Jasmine. “We have a client eying that piece up” (No you idiot – she’s come at the wrong time!). She promptly sells it to the customer (not sure if it’s a set price) and gloatingly tells the client what’s she’s done as though that will make them want to buy a fucking owl. They are sad. “I feel really bad” says Jasmine, her beautiful cold dead eyes suddenly alarmed at the prospect of losing a sale. “Whirr buzz”. “It’s a shame Sabrina and Sian aren’t here” says the client and Tom is forced to go and get them. Well at least Sian (Sabrina being too shameful). Sian manages to bullshit on about the owl representing a link with nature and the tree whilst also being trendy. “You have articulated it much better” says the delighted stupid client. Sian is smug.

Collaborative don’t get so lucky, mainly due to the subteam having gathered very little intelligence either in life or during their client visit. Jackie attempts to blag it “art is a reflection of a person and the experience of sound is subjective”. “That’s actually the opposite of our ethos which is about making sound objective” says the speaker bloke who is a bit of a chippy little ponce, “I don’t think we’ll be buying anything”. Ohh get you!

Both teams are sent onto the street to sell art tat. Sian shows her amazing deal-brokering skills selling tote bags (“That’s £29.99 or £30 for two”) and Jasmine gives everyone a team hug. Tom is still sour faced at a woman daring to not let him lead every conversation.

Back in the boardroom and Dan’s hair has magically requiffed into geezer mode. He still insists he connected “on an artistic level” with Eleanor and Sugar accuses him of talking “Jackson Pollocks”. He’s been saving that gag all episode. Daniel is rather kind about the subteam’s failure to understand the client’s ethos, merely suggesting “they could have been more concise”.

Typhoon are set up for a fall by Sugar pointing out their collective artistic knowledge. Tom immediately tries to get the boot in over Jasmine not letting him do all the talking. Not that he’s bitter. Sian also tries to give Sabrina a kicking (“It was so difficult working with you”). Sabrina points out if she hadn’t wanted to meet the client, Sian wouldn’t have made that sale. “Don’t take credit for my sale” snaps Sian. Sugar comes to Sabrina’s defence: “She’s right. If you’d left you wouldn’t have sold.” Hurrah!

Anyhow commissions are in. Typhoon made £1325, but Collaborative made £3499 despite losing the client due to amazing sales with the public and are sent to do “portraits on pizza”.

Sian leads the mass stomp off to Café Doom where Tom is still wearing a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle as he accuses Jasmine of trying to “dominate situations”. Maybe that’s what management is eh Tom?

Sian moans about Sabrina going AWOL. Sabrina points out she made more sales. “Yeah” glowers Sian, “But I did 90% more PRINTING!”

Back in the boardroom and in typical world turned upside down bollocks Sugar blames them for targeting the corporate client and not other customers, although had they done the opposite they would be getting slagged for that too.

Jasmine reveals she didn’t “just want to target the local general public. I have no idea on their taste in art” (ooh get her! Jasmine thinks that Scottish people are happy just staring at the point of a box of Quaker Oats).

Sian goes “only obeying orders” on Sabrina (“I LISTEN to what people tell me to do in certain situations”). And Tom thinks it’s all about him (“We’re here to discuss what my honest opinion is” (eh?)).

Jasmine brings back Tom as he sold eff all and Sabrina cos it’s get Sabrina day. Sugar asks Jasmine about her CV which states that her best business skill is “the ability to simplify the complex”. “What do you mean?” he understandably asks and she waffles on about the “message” whilst her head rotates 360 degrees. He condemns her “corporate demeanour”.

Tom thinks he performed well on some tasks, he’s “obsessed” and “hungry” and people can work with him, not Jasmine. She however blames Sabrina for losing and starts harping on about her business plan (based on “consumer technology” naturally), and when Tom tries to interrupt she slams him “It’s a business about making money Tom” (yeah you wouldn’t know anything about that Tree Boy!).

Sugar worries that Tom is a loser and Sabrina doesn’t listen but blames Jasmine for a “bad choice of product” (wot?) and fires her. I hate to say it but I laugh at how stunned she is. She’s been presenting herself as a winner all series and has been bright and professional, but Christ she’s been humourless.

Tom’s card is marked and it’s “last chance saloon” for the chinny gimp. Fortunately Sabrina is safe too and she immediately offers Jasmine a (reciprocated) hug. Tom however gets a cold sullen handshake. Yeah!

In the Taxi of Doom Jasmine is still annoyingly professional (“It’s been the most incredible experience I have no regrets… Click buzz.. this unit is recharging”).

Dan’s sad to see Tom return (“I fancied being the only man in house with all these girls” – oh Dan –and so close to me really liking you too!).

Next week the candidates demean themselves on the shopping channel thus depriving James Whale of his only remaining source of income. Yay!

Amused by: Daniel

Warming to: (amazingly) Jackie, Sabrina

Meh: Sian, Sarah Ann, Camilla

Tosspots: Khadija, Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000

The candidates end up at the Crossrail building at Canary Wharf because it has a rooftop gardening and according to Lord Sugar “Urban gardening is a big new trend”. Each team has to set up their own gardening business and pitch to corporate clients whilst running a mobile service. Most profit wins.

Sarah-Ann’s moved to Collaborative with Daniel, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie. Lord Sugar appoints Daniel PM. He’s “super excited” even though he knows literally sod all about gardening. The masterplan is to price as high as possible without taking the piss. Both Jackie (who does gardening) and Khadija (who does cleaning) want to lead the mobile subteam, but Khadija deathstares him into choosing her and she promptly shoots Jackie a massive SMUGLOOK. Tom takes Sarah-Ann to meet a rooftop bar manager in Shoreditch, insisting they don’t over-promise and concentrate on profit margins. The client wants an “urban jungle” cos it’s fucking Shoreditch. Dan immediately thinks “Astroturf” because that’s exactly what would sort out the poor little Orang Utan’s forest in the Iceland advert. The client agrees as long as it’s “high spec” (eh?). Sarah Ann then starts offering loads of extra shit: planters, vines, cocaine production labs – much to Dan’s chagrin. He argues his client up from £2000 to £2500 for the job, but she points out she’ll only pay that if she’s totally wowed.  Unfortunately at the garden centre they discover that Astroturf is hugely expensive, eating substantially into their budget, and decide to buy cheap shit instead.

Tom the tree surgeon is backed to lead Typhoon ( Sabrina, Sian, Jasmine and Kayode).  He elects Sian to lead the subteam and takes Sabrina off to see the Corporate Client who wants a “stylish” rooftop garden and the seating painting for £2000. Tom argues her up an extra £100 to “treat” the seats and they shake. It’s off to the garden centre where Tom rushes to the bargain sale rails (“Keep it cheap and make it look classy”)  with Sabrina trailing him round looking like Bubble from Ab-Fab but more doubtful. “Here’s more cheap stuff” he announces joyously. “Here’s NICE stuff!” she says pointedly. He shakes his head. Nah!  He drops a plant (“bollocks”) and briefly considers getting a discount on it as the soil’s been displaced. He’s really selling his business here.

Khadija informs Jackie and Camilla that she is a  “team player not a dictator”. Well that’s going to put their minds at rest. Jackie and Camilla (somehow it’s a task remit that one team member dresses as a flower for this bit – it’s Kayode in the other team) try to offer ideas about price but Khadija doesn’t listen and just shouts them down “WE ALL NEED TO CO-OPERATE!” before accusing Jackie of getting all aggressive cos she didn’t get to be sub-team leader. “WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?” retaliates Jackie, and although she’s technically evil too I feel her pain.

Over on Typhoon Kayode in his contractually obliged Peter Gabriel in Genesis outfit tries to appear professional whilst working out a quote for hanging baskets. It doesn’t work and he gets stupidly proud arguing the client up from £100 to £130 for a load of baskets that cost twice as much whilst Jasmine looks mortified.

gabrielflower

“Me I’m just a lawnmower you can tell by the way I cut into my margins”.

 

Khadija’s subteam approach a shop (Jackie “Your place looks super amazing but might be in need of some summering” Er WHAT?) whilst Khadija talks over her and offers completely different services and prices and the potential customer looks bemused. Somehow she agrees they can sort out her shop lady garden – she probably just wants them to go away.

Both mobile teams pitch to doll up a boat bar and wash the decks by 12.30pm the next day. Jasmine is very keen that Kayode considers both the service charge and the price of the gear. He manages to utterly balls up the maths so Jasmine plucks £300 out of the air and Sian adds an extra £100 for putting climbers on the hand rails (because none of these people have ever seen the prices in a fricking garden centre). Kayode still thinks they’ve charged too much bless him. He’s back in his element knocking at doors of potential punters “I guess you wasn’t expecting to see a sunflower!”.

Khadija somehow has decided that a pallet forms a potential garden feature – offering the same service for £900 including the pallet (eh?) and £700 without. Jackie suggests the pallet is part of the service and the final price confusingly is £900. Unsurprisingly the client plumps for Typhoon and explains that Collaborative were too pricy and the pitch too “forceful”. Khadija breaks the news to Dan (“Er we’re doing really well but you wanted us to go for higher prices”). Dan does a sad face.

Next day the lazy bastards are still sitting round discussing plans at 8am!  Tom moves to the mobile team and sends Jasmine and Sabrina to do the other corporate rooftop garden despite Sabrina pointing out that this is the highest price job and she has no experience in gardening whereas he operates on bloody trees.

Dan decides to bring Jackie onto his subteam to break her and Khadija up, but she refuses to move due to her great gardening knowledge. So in his great wisdom Dan brings Camilla to his side and tells Khadija and Jackie to “be professional”. Khadija already looks moody. As his subteam drive off Sarah-Jane asks “Are you mental?” Camilla agrees (“It’s one of worst decisions you’ve made”). I get popcorn and await the fireworks.

Professional tree surgeon Tom manages to fail to give the van driver bringing all their gear to the boat job any directions so they spend ages waiting to properly start. He stalls by explaining to the client “We’re just er clearing the area” whilst everyone shuffles chairs about. She reminds him of the 12.30pm deadline. “Yeah fine…”. Tom shouts orders at Kayode who’s struggling to jet wash the bar and actually hear as he’s wearing massive headphones. That doesn’t stop Tom so Kayode just mutters “Yeah yeah” to everything and keeps spraying. The client is disappointed and the price goes down to £250 after some pleading from Tom. Kayode points out they started way too late. Tom is angered by this insubordination and carries on bossing Kayode around all day until Kayode gets the arse on and starts ignoring him.

Meanwhile in the trending Shoreditch roof bar Dan decides to Astroturf the top of the bar. For “aesthetics” if not for balancing stupid overpriced drinks easily on.  He then sprinkles woodchip around the bottom of the bar presumably to protect small children who might be playing there.

Jasmine and Sabrina decide to go for the “minimalistic” look as Tom has ordered hardly any plants and things for them to do up the corporate roof garden. Jasmine worries they will struggle to sand down and paint the benches in the time allowed so Sabina makes the decision to just clean them off and paint them as that’s worth a couple of grand of anyone’s money. The client worries it’s just them (“I thought Tom was an experienced landscape gardener”) and Sabrina stalls (“Jasmine is very strong in terms of design”).  They both end up trying to paint yellow stripes on the bench with teeny tiny brushes. There’s more effort displayed when cartoon paint falls onto cats backs to make Pepe Le Pew sexpest them. Jasmine wonders if they can use the pointless shovels provided to “Dig us out of this hole”. The client returns and Jasmine doesn’t exactly sell their work (“we wanted something stylist and sophisticated – I’m not sure we achieved it”). The client is angered at the unsanded benches and says she will “come back to them” about the money.

At the lady shopkeeper’s garden new bessie friends Khadija and Jackie bond in adversity and ineptitude as they can’t find a tap the right size to plug in the jet washer and fail to ask the shopkeeper if there’s another tap or explain choosing to pour water over everything without even brushing it down and then sort of move the mud about. Shop woman is very unhappy when she returns (“you’ve made it worse”, especially when Khadija argues the toss over the tap and tries to get away with a £60 discount (“No I just want you out my shop now” she insists almost tearfully).

Dan’s client thinks the jungle bar looks pretty “but logistically it’s a complete nightmare” pointing out that people need to wipe down bar tops and she’ll have to get back to him over what she’s prepared to pay. He calls the subteam who explain they’ve only just started their second job and it’s 6pm and you see his world collapsing in his face. “What the hell have they been doing?” Sarah Ann complains. “Sweet niblets” Camilla sighs resignedly.

Everyone tries to flog the remaining plants. “It’s dying” points out a woman, “they’re not really dying” insists Jackie. Dan’s ready to throw his subteam under the bus for being a “complete shambles”.

In the boardroom and Khadija has proper power vixened up, so must be spoiling for a fight. Dan’s called out on his astrobullshit. Camilla describes Khadija rather kindly as “passionate” but worries it may have seemed “forceful” (because it was) and Khadija turns on her (“It was you and Jackie doing most of the talking!”), but Karren has already dobbed her in to Lord Sugs for being “aggressive”. Sugar describes her pricing as ridiculous and she justifies this (“It’s a big boat!”).  Jackie apologises for nearly coming to blows, but points out gently, and slightly more diplomatically, that Khadija was an ignorant, shouty twat.

Sian’s worried Tom didn’t charge enough for failing to spruce up the boat. Tom justifies moving to the mobile team as he “wanted to take control”, but Sabrina blames him for leaving her and Jasmine with not enough gear to do the rooftop job. Sugar has a go at Sabrina for not knowing to “rub down” the bench as they’re the corporate skills being his business partner demands. She blames Jasmine.

Anyhow Collaborative’s mobile team made £535 and the Astroturfed bar lady amazingly still gave them £1500 so after costs they made £1342 profit.

Typhoon’s mobile team did better, getting £760, but the rooftop lady only gave them £400 so their overall profit was only £528 (so much for buying cheap stuff Tom!).

Collaborative massively get away with a win and get sent to play Crazy Golf whilst Dan talks about how great he is and Khadija and Jackie shoot each other evils. I hope they get to work together a lot more.

In Café doom Kayode says the failure was with the corporate side, but Tom insists “wherever I was – I got results” (yeah, making £250 and losing nearly a couple of grand with the big client). Sabrina is all “I did EVERYTHING!”

Back in the boardroom Sugar blames Tom for not spending enough money (“Elton John’s got more flowers in his downstairs toilet”) but Tom reckons the girls should have adapted to the situation and magicked a garden out of thin air. Sabrina wants everyone to know how she unwrapped 15 whole boxes of stuff whilst supervising Jasmine. Kayode gets flack for the real crime of making a loss on a deal, although he points out helpfully he still made a quarter, or was that a third, no half of their profits. Maths is not his strong point.

Tom brings back Kayode and Sabrina, with Jasmine surviving for actually winning the tender in the first place (although I think it was sort of guaranteed for them). Sabrina and Kayode are peeved. Claude and Karren chat with Sugar about them with Claude stating (correctly) that Tom’s mistakes lost them the task and Karren wittering on like a notracist nan about Kayode’s “fabulous smile” then adding Sabrina is “incredibly smart” because she’s been following a different show.

Sabrina thinks Tom is to blame as he got the “main corporate decisions” wrong on day one (ooh big words, maybe Karren has a point). Kayode says Tom lost twice and this time it was a task purpose made for him and Kayode will always have his donut sales to fall back on (Sugar “We’re not talking abaht donuts!”). They all have a big squabble (yawn) and whilst Sugar thinks Tom “failed miserably” he (“with regret”) fires Kayode for making that business error with the deal. Poor Kayode looks so miffed and just offers the others a cold handshake as they leave.

In the Taxi of Regrets he looks forward to being with people who love him (“my family and my cat”). How can you have done this Lord Sugar?

Jackie’s delighted (“Just two more boys to get rid of”).

Next time the teams sell art collections. There will be wankiness!

 

 

Should win despite being a Joy Vacuum: Jasmine

Warming to: Daniel, Camilla

Meh: Sian, Sabrina, Sarah Ann

Fighting for the title of Queen Bitch: Khadija, Jackie

Tree Twat: Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob)

 

The candidates are summoned to London City Airport at 5am and everyone’s excited about where they might be going. Ooh from City Airport they might even get all the way to Aberdeen!

Kurran’s gone all mystical chosen one “Lord Sugar looked me in the eye and told me I am the next PM”.

Sugar gathers them on the runway (sadly not to hose them in jet fuel) informing them that the British Airline market is on a high (maybe everyone’s trying to fuck off) so they have to create a brand and advertisement for a new budget airline – including designing a “uniform” and pitch it to industry experts.

There’s some jiggery pokery for no reason whatsoever so Typhoon now comprises Tom, Sabrina, Sian, Sarah, Jasmine and Kayode. Sabrina once went into a travel shop or something so is elected leader and settles on a business target market setting Sian as subteam leader to design the brand and uniform as she designs swimming cozzies, whilst she takes Kayode and Jasmine to work on the advert. Kayode’s keen on including humour and wants to depict a businessman so harassed by plebs next to him on the flight that he can only find peace with his laptop whilst taking a shit. Jasmine is DEFINITELY not keen on toilet humour. She may well be professional and the likely winner but she’s a proper joy vacuum this episode.

Collaborative now comprises Daniel, Khajida, Camilla, Jackie and Kurran their glorious leader. “Everything I’ve done in my life has led to this moment” he drawls, “I suppose you’re all glad here to experience this”. Tumbleweed. He wants to aim at business too but Camilla shouts him down into going “party” (*Marvin Voice in My Head* “Sounds hideous.”) insisting “It was MY decision.. I just took a moment to visualise it”. Whatevah. Naturally Kurran insists on directing the advert whilst Jackie and Camilla are off to do branding and uniform. They’re buzzing with frankly terrifying brand names. Strawpedo? (Sounds like a child molesting scarecrow). Jet-Pop! (Why not call it Cloud Explosion and be done with it?).

Dan suggests making the beach the airline, “You walk onto the plane but it’s a beach with girls there”. I reckon they should just do a speed version of the pilot episode of Lost complete with the propeller bit. Kurran does fuck all apart lean back chewing his pen but somehow persuades everyone to high five him. He’s such a bloody princeling.

So in apparently “Fashionable East London” the branding teams get designing at design studios. Jackie and Camilla go crazy with hideous fabrics because Camilla is so fricking “fashion savvie”. They end up creating day glo “boob tubes” ideal for leaning over people with hot drinks. “Where are your boobs?” asks Camilla, “They’re like here” Jackie points out helpfully. Claude is endearingly worried about “stewardesses” getting chilly.

Sian utterly ignores the archly helpful designer and comes up with some weird Aladdin inspired trouser suit with a peplum (Designer “It looks like a nappy”) and a draped bit of curtain which Karren reckons is totally copied from big airlines. The designer flounces off (“I’m glad I was here to guide you” – subtext – you ignorant bitch).
NOBODY points out that both these uniforms are for women. We are in the 1970s here.”
Jasmine offers her directing skills (“I’ve directed a music video”) but Sabrina says she’ll direct the ad. Jasmine shoots her a dark “On your head be it” look.

Kurren suggests the name Pangaea which nobody understands. He explains it to the subteam (“It’s planet earth before the continents broke down”) and they glaze over before suggesting Strawpedo and Jet-Pop, but he insists they use his name, even if they think it’s crap. He takes the advert team to film in Southend. Talk about exotic! Poor Megan the model not only gets to freeze her tits off in a deckchair whilst Kurran wildly improvises the plot, she also has to pretend to be Dan’s girlfriend and listen to Kurran (“I cant even tell you how beautiful you look its actually making me emotional”). Khadija’s concerned Kurran’s not following the agreed storyboard but he insists he’s not doing it off the cuff. Just making it all up. Khadija deals with her annoyance by screeching over the shots and throwing a wobbly when she’s admonished for this. Kurran controls all the editorial decisions (“I want the logo at the start”, Designer “Doesn’t that usually come at the end”, Kurran “Er yeah I’d like it both at the beginning and end”) and won’t listen to anyone else, doing big “Talk to the hand” gestures. “Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel” he repeats like Alan Patridge refusing to drive a Mini Metro rather than let his subteam colleague have his say. Dan just laughs “OK” (wanker).

Sabrina films (with constant intervention from a stony faced Jasmine) in a mock plane cabin which looks way more comfy than Ryanair. The point of the advert seems to be a comparison between a shite airline full of twats (played by Kayode with an inflatable flamingo) and a relaxing experience on their business focused service). “What comes before Part-B?” nudges Kayode. “Part-AY!”. (Doesn’t it come before Part-F? Oh sorry). Jasmine is not amused and declares it CRING-AY. Kayode looks sad like a puppy that’s been told off for peeing on a rug. Sabrina manages to put the fun back in by choosing Highway to Hell as the theme tune. If it had cut to classical music when the business-friendly alternative was shown this might just have worked. Jasmine looks thoroughly mortified and insists she can turn the advert around if she’s allowed to edit, making a big song and dance over sitting next to Steven the designer so she can pretend Kayode and Sabrina don’t exist (“You can edit from your own chair!”).

Sian’s team come up with the name Manageair (I see what they did) and come up with a weird logo that’s meant to represent a clock (why?) but looks like a Masonic symbol crossed with a doodle of stick figures having sex. Karren does a big yawn. The rest of the team look bored and confused. Tom insists anyone would remember that logo (if it was branded onto their face?). Sarah frumps in in the uniform which Jasmine thinks looks like a high-end Middle Eastern airline.

Jackie and Camilla proudly unveil Jet Pop to Kurran’s profound sadness and Dan’s concern (“The O looks like an explosion”). MrFunnyFarm points out that Kurran’s sulky silence and posture seems to be based on Tony Montana from Scarface. I just think he’s acting the twat. The slutty uniform is modelled by Jackie. Dan’s unconvinced. Kurran (of course) loves it and surprisingly doesn’t suggest in-flight lapdances.

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“I said call it Pangaea you fuckin Cockaroaches…”

So it’s off to conduct Market Research at Heathrow and the Stewardesses (no stewards) are all horrified by Jackie’s adjustable straps (“borderline tacky”), but think the Manageair branding is too dull.

Jackie’s “super keen” to help pitch in an annoying girly “stewardess” voice (arggh!) introducing her “flight crew” (Kurran “I’d prefer if you made me captain”).

Sabrina picks Tom and Sian to co-pitch, putting “professional speaker” Kayode’s nose out of joint (“Can I give suggestions based on my experience”) until she offers him the chance to introduce the pitch and he’s all happy again.

At the Pitch Kayode states there has never been an airline “dedicated to business travellers” (Erm there have been a few aimed at them and you can’t exclude anyone else?) before painting a nightmare scenario of being on a plane, “sitting on a chair” (Until they get phased out) “surrounded by noisy kids” (and racists), before showing off the logo which everyone sniggers at like it’s a naughty Rorschach blob (“You like the logo? I like it too!).

From the wings Sabrina whispers “At least it’s making them laugh” whilst Jasmine looks daggers at her. Sarah stands around looking awkward in her Jason King/MC Hammer/Homebase Curtains ensemble and Tom witters about it being an “affordable efficient, relaxing experience for travel” (aren’t three of those words mutually exclusive when it comes to travel?). BA are not happy with “Highway to Hell” and Sabrina’s talk of “irony” isn’t reaching them. Kayode insists in response to a question on how to guarantee it’s “child free” that the advertising will deter families who “know their children are going to make noise” as though there is any other type of family. He is adorable but talks utter bollocks.

Jackie’s Jet-Pop girl is just embarrassing, especially when she gets the name wrong (“Welcome aboard Pop Jet!”) and describes her boob tube (she looks like Olive Oyl wearing a flannel in the uniform) as “easy to wipe down”.
The oddness continues as Kurran bores on about how “difficult the industry is to penetrate”. After the badly dubbed and shot advert, which makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Metropolis, there’s concerns from BA about the name and explosive logo. Jackie insists it looks more like an “explosion of fun”. That one was also sexual. There’s also worries about encouraging passengers to drink, although Dan says it’s “just enough to relax” (that’s a lot of booze to relax on a budget airline”).

The Industry Experts grass up the teams to Sugar describing Typhoon as dated and Collaborative as bizarre and awful. In the Boardroom Sabrina grasses Jasmine up for having no sense of humour and Sugar confirms the Jasmine edited advert was humour free. Kurran has to explain Pangaea to Lord Sugar, which he does at great length causing eyes to roll and graze. Nobody’s any the wiser. Kurran blames the branding team for not using his great name and Camilla points out they’d struggle if they didn’t know what the fuck it meant.

For once there’s no engineered surprise and Tyhpoon win getting to eat at a Chinese Restaurant because they’re out of treat budget where everyone insists that the win was ALL DOWN TO THEM.

Kurran looks broody as Sugar explains they should have looked at their ideas through “fresh eyes” or even sane eyes.

In the Bridge Café Kurran manages to be a massive twat to everyone. Smart move! “A five year old would come up with a better name” he sneers at Camilla. “You were difficult” he tells Khadija. She insists she’s been the epitome of reserved dignity, warning to camera that she “WILL TELL EVERYBODY HOW IT IS!!” She’s such a delicate flower.
Back in the Boardroom again and Jackie looks like a haunted Katherine Ryan, staying as quiet as possible so Camilla will take the rap for the branding.

Karren does her big pretend right on sisters speech: “Can you image as woman being asked to wear that as a uniform when the main role of stewardesses is ensuring the safety of passengers”. She’s still only saying “Stewardesses” so some fucking feminist she is.

Jackie fibs and says Kurran didn’t insist that they had to use his name suggestion. Khadija goes on a big rant about being told off for “being too enthusiastic” before having an amusing go at Dan for being a diva during his acting stint (“You SAT in a DECKCHAIR!”). Kurran still doesn’t see what’s wrong with the advert. No he can’t be this deluded – he wants his own telly show or newspaper column doesn’t he? (It won’t be in the Mail, sorry mate).

He brings back Camilla and says he’d like to bring in Jackie but she “did well in the pitch” (eh?) so chooses…. Khadija. As Dan and Jackie depart Khadija has a whinge (“She had to be good in the pitch – she created it” ooh saucer of milk).

It all gets a bit surreal with Kurran relaying Sugar’s questions to Camilla and talking as though our favourite Nookie Bear faced peer isn’t over the table from them.
Kurran blames the name, stating he contributed a name. “Oh yeah, I remember. The rubbish one” snaps Camilla. Khadija just whines on about being told off for being “passionate”. Sugar suggests she sounds argumentative. “No I’m not I’m POSITIVE!”. She turns on Kurran “The difference between us is I own a business, you just want to be an actor” (that’ll be it) and Kurran reaches peak twat (“Can I first deal with Khadija then I’ll deal with you Camilla”).

Sugar worries about Khadija being disruptive (“I won’t be!”) but ultimately it has to be Kurran who’s fired (“Thanks for giving me a shot”) and the girls are sent home with marked cards. Kurran doesn’t even hug them with his good arm, he’s all “See you on the flip side baby” before insisting in the Taxi of Fevered Brows that he was robbed and his advert was “GOLD”. True art is never recognised in it’s time eh.

Next week the teams set up urban gardening businesses and promisingly get let loose with chainsaws.

Should win despite being a Joy Vacuum: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode

Warming to: Daniel

Meh: Sian, Sabrina, Camilla

Bit of a Nob: Tom

Potentially Evil: Khadija, Sarah Ann

Cruella De Ville: Jackie

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran