The Apprentice S16 ep 11: Kitty’s Got Claude

It’s interviews week! Get your business plans in and let’s sift through the bullshit.

Harpreet beats Brittany easily in the best use of downtime.

The call comes giving them erm a full 24 hours to deliver their business plans to the Gherkin. Whilst Brittany is shitting a brick with nerves Harpreet seems remarkably chilled, revealing that she might well be delusional.

Proof that croissants are better for you than exercise.

We get some completely scripted “We’d best prepare our business plans”,” Big day ahead” filler from Stephanie and Kathryn.

Nobody exits a room like this apart from Alan’s Angels

Then it’s time for a Business Plan montage. Kathryn has come dressed to slay.

If that sailor playsuit is part of her “on trend” PJ range I’m in – no matter how many exploited orphans have wept into the stitching.

Brittany, a hotel front of house manager, has ever written a business plan, but to prove she’s serious about her “high protein alcoholic drinks” she’s hopped back onto the exercise bike to read it whilst saying stuff like “370% markup ok” as though it’s completely reasonable.

Harpreet thinks after 5 years it’s time to scale up her café and has full belief in herself.

That whipped cream there represents growth.

Stephanie’s apparently only been fully functioning for a few months.

Bargain Sex Robot

I’m not sure I’ve ever been fully functioning. Her business idea is a posh kids eBay – selling second hand designer childrens wear online. Now I understand why she wasn’t worried about having “DIES” on her baby food – she’s got to get those hand-me-downs somehow.

At 70 St Mary’s Axe they hand their plans to Lord Sugar who assures them his “Most trusted advisors” (well most available anyhow) will find any skeletons the candidates are hiding.

Sugar goes a bit Columbo.

He reveals gleefully that Claude is back at which Brittany excitedly fan-girls.

It looks like only her and Steph know who Claude is.

In the lift to Interview one, Kathryn backs against the wall like Amelia Stone bracing for a prison dust-up.

She’s the first victim of Knitwear Mogul Linda Plant, who, worryingly for Kathryn knows a thing or two about how the rag trade works. Kathryn explains her aim to expand her business to create matching pyjamas (“solely” designed by her using her expertise) for the whole family. Including dogs!

Is it wrong that I want to see a dog in pjs now?

“How did you get your design expertise?” asks Linda leadingly, and Kathryn backtracks. “When I say I solely designed by me, I mean as a whole” revealing that she really just does the “shape” of the pyjamas. Which to be honest is quite the skill. Kathryn’s forced to admit she didn’t design the prints as Linda pulls out Exhibit B, an identical pair of PJs to her Jaguar Print collection from “A High Street Store” (which is weird as I googled and couldn’t find them anywhere I’d consider High Street).

“Have you designed anything yes or no?”, Linda pushes and Kathryn looks so busted.

She’s not getting away that lightly though as Linda now questions Kathryn’s decisions to import PJs made in China. Her excuse is “A lot of companies have manufacturers in China” and Linda points out they might not use “Ethical and Sustainable” as their USP (or they might and just be evil”. “I’m learning as I go” is Kat’s excuse, but that don’t cut it with Linda.

Back in the lobby Kathryn sums up the experience as “Savage” as Stephanie gasps gleefully and Brittany looks on the verge of vomiting.

It becomes a running theme that each candidate focuses on one thing the interviewer did that was harsh or “unfair” whilst either twisting or neglecting to mention genuine issues with their business plan or CV. So Kathryn says Linda used the PJs to claim she wasn’t unique when in fact she was pointing out lies about the design and manufacture.

No mention of using Chinese sweat shops either funny enough.

Next Kathryn goes to see Media Bigwig Claudine Collins who is quick to pick up on the “Sustainable, ethical” message and asks where these righteous PJs are made.

On the defensive, Kat explains that she was going to have them made in England but it costs a fortune so she did “research” into Chinese factories instead and found an “ethical factory”. This is how I imagine Kat’s research went.

Or maybe she googled Boujie manufacturers?

However she hasn’t picked up on the “sustainable” part as Claudine asks about the carbon footprint.

And Kat is stumped. Either that or she’s pretending to be Amelia Stone being violently interrogated.

Next Kathryn faces the wrath of Claude, who’s obviously still recovering from his accident, not to say he’s not completely brutal, he’s just very soft spoken with it. Which makes it somehow harsher. He points out the headaches of stocking lots of different sizes and shapes for each design whilst importing from China.

There are only 5 different sizes of dog

Next he poopoos her pie in the sky numbers. She promises to grow the business from a frankly unconvincing current £90k turnover to £750k. “It’s impossible” Claude says. “Who says it’s impossible” Kathryn hackles. “I do” says Claude. Kathryn seems to be harbouring the fantasy that adding investment and staff will magically grow the business without thinking about increased costs involved. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being ambitious” Kathryn gripes. “Ambitious is one thing, unrealistic is nonsense” Claude slams before pointing out that on £750k turnover Kathryn’s business would actually make a loss of pretty much the entire £250k investment. He dismisses her plan as “the rantings of a lunatic” and no amount of mythical Year 3 profit reward for Lord Sugar will sway him.

So that went well.

Finally Kathryn goes to see dour media millionaire Mike Soutar who asks what her website is called. As soon as Kat responds www.myeverydaypyjamas.co.uk you just know what’s coming next, and sure enough the old fox has bought literally every domain name she might have wanted to use.

I think Kathryn’s soul finally leaves her body at this point in her ritual beasting.

Sensing she’s broken Mike offers her the opportunity to prove she’s just learned the valuable business lesson of never wasting time when she needs something (and never to trust a smartarse) and gives her the web domain names with a warning not to leave everything to chance in future.

Next for the ordealathon is Brittany who trudges in to see Claude who seethes that she hasn’t put a full profit and loss breakdown in her business plan as “unless you’re making it in your bath” someone will manufacture the 99-calorie protein bevvy. To miss this is a “serious flaw” so thus endeth the interview and if I was Brittany I’d hide in the bogs for 20 minutes.

Seriously though after all her earlier fan-girling she must be devastated.

Next she endures Mike, who’s followed her recipe for the suspiciously cloudy protein vodka and indicates for her to take the first taste like it’s poisoned.

Although to be fair it does look like someone’s milked a tramp.

Brittany suppresses her gag reflex and claims it tastes good.

However Mike thinks it’s “chalky and quite bitter” (like Jim Davidson’s career then).  She also effectively points out that it’s not Masterchef and people obsessed with high protein content will drink things that taste foul. “I don’t think it tastes bad enough for people not to purchase it” she adds. Put that on the poster.

Her business plan comes under scrutiny and rather than tear it apart Soutar just waves the offending item at her and asks how she’d do it differently. She realises it’s a massive own goal to have flicked through it whilst doing cardio and tears spring to her eyes.

Mike softens a little bit “You’ve done really well in this process” but adds “but is this investable?”

It’s Brittany’s turn for a bit of revisionism after wafting the tears away. If she is trying to sell a drink someone needs to tell her that liquid does not waft.

 “I cried in the lift” she confesses to Kat, who asks if she kept it together in the interview.  

The lies!

Next she’s confronted by Linda who dismisses her business plan as a “glorified brochure “ and pulls up Brittany’s lack of experience in making drinks or keep fit. Brittany declares she’s a “target consumer”. “I buy clothes” snaps Linda, but “it doesn’t make me a dressmaker” (it does make you a knitwear entrepreneur though love) before revealing yet another incriminating purchase of a protein drink that’s been out since 2008 in the states (“the reason you haven’t heard of it is it wasn’t a hit”).

Crush that girl’s dreams Linda!

I must have missed Brittany’s interview with Claudine unless they didn’t show it because it was just Claudine sticking needles into Brittany and claiming to be looking for the devil’s mark.

Our next lambikin to the slaughter is Harpreet who’s made a bold move wearing white. Claudine leads with a personal jibe “You don’t come across as someone I would like to work with”, always a good move in a real interview if you want to be slapped down by ACAS. Harpreet brushes it off with a practiced customer services SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY smile barely disguising a snarl, but makes a mental note that her bossy ball-breaking act might not be the best way to secure Lord Sugar’s dosh.

She’s actually written in her CV that her rule is “No emotions before 7”. Presuming that’s intended to mean pm. She confesses that she’s annoyed with herself for saying that as underneath it all she cares greatly about people she works with. And at least she’s self-aware enough to admit it sounds like she’s just saying what Claudine wants to hear.

From Claudine to Claude who’s uncovered a wee porky pie or two in Harpreet’s claims to do EVERYTHING herself in her business.  “That’s not true” says Claude because.

DUH DUH DUUUH!

Eastenders drum roll

Harpreet has a 50:50 partnership with her sister. I love how this minor Hire One Get the Sister Doing All The Work For Free detail plays out as Harpreet diminishes her sister’s contribution and bigs her own up (“Everything on there I have done”) as though her sister is some mad woman in an attic who cannot be revealed to the public. “I guess I should have written CO-owner” Harpreet admits as the penny drops.

And in the lift.

She pops in to Mike who mocks her job title on her CV – “Isn’t chief executive a bit grandiose for someone who basically runs a café? Is there a vice president of washing up?” (IF not I claim that role, if the president of washing up doesn’t mind), before trammelling her supposed lack of ambition (“You opened 1 store in 5 years why is your growth so pedestrian?” – erm that sounds perfectly reasonable!). Harpreet counters that there’s no reason she can’t accelerate growth with the investment, but unfortunately Mike’s picked up on her plan to open one new store a year (also sensible), forcing her to claim she’s changed her mind as she’s “grown in confidence” during the process so not is ready for the heady heights of erm 2 new stores a year.

Dream big gurl.

Linda wonders if Harpreet even has a USP. She’s selling cakes Linda – her USP is pleasure and diabetes. Harpreet claims she is the USP causing Linda to go all evil stepmother.

Yes you CAN be a USP Harpreet.

She also claims she wants to expand her product line and bring in savoury snacks. Which kind of fucks up any USP. Unless she puts savoury snacks in puddings. Why not? We’ve had salted caramel. Chocolate and miso work as does mango and chilli. Just pop a few pringles on top of your meringues and your USP is sorted.

Harpreet so far has done best on the interviews, and even learns something useful – that she needs to “lay off the whole sergeant major a little”.

Unless you’re Harpreet’s sister in which case she will continue to beat you if your pastry isn’t flaky enough.

Finally thrown to the wolves is Stephanie. Mike’s not convinced she offers anything different to eBay. Stephanie’s convinced that she can authenticate garments which gives her an edge.

Mike gets in on the trap items game and produces a bog standard looking kid’s “designer” T shirt – posing the existential question is it real?

Stephanie guesses “fake” but apparently it’s “real” at which she confesses that she outsources the “incredibly important” job of authentication. Mike’s researched the company she uses and they only authenticate handbags and shoes. What a chancer! Stephanie mumbles about it being “very early doors” and she could hire different companies but surely the jig’s up especially when Mike points out she’s only costed to use this one company in her business plan and her face falls.

Out in the lobby she plays it blasé, shrugs and says she had no idea what she was doing and just pretended to look at the T-shirt.

Heh. Steph is so bad ass.

Linda attacks on the principle that Stephanie has only sold 50 garments and the customer base would be too exclusive to upscale and she’s out.

Claudine pokes away at Stephanie’s tough coating by bringing her dad into it and (missing her use of present tense) everything about the exchange, from the fact Stephanie bigs up her dad’s influence on her CV to her tearing up about him has me convinced Steph’s Dad is Brown Bread.

Tell me about your father

But no he’s alive and kicking and supporting her from the audience of you’ve been fired later – oops SPOILER.

“I think I cry every 10 years” says Steph, delighting Claudine who hands her a tissue before piling on the emotion (there’s even soppy piano playing over this exchange FFS) “What would your dad think about you being in the final 4?”

“He’d be so incredibly proud” sniffs Steph.

HE’s NOT DEAD!

“You know what” says Claudine “You’re so much more personable when you let your guard down”. Yeah Stephanie – it’s so much nicer to see you in tears! Blimey!

Things aren’t going to get better with Claude who announces his intentions to destroy Steph like he’s some sort of psychotic Victorian spanker.

He tears apart her lack of experience and credibility and every time she asks if she can respond he blocks her.

He points out her costs before even one sale is made are £160k (isn’t that the point of investment though Claude?).

And worst of all she’s massively overestimated her numbers. “You’re jumping from 300k to 1.8million turnover” says Claude. “Yeah” says Steph. “No” says Claude. Yeah but no.

As the battered candidates make their escape, Lord Sugar’s snitches assemble and bitch about them.

Claude thinks Brittany should stick with hotels. Tim thinks Kathryn needs a mentor. Linda thinks Stephanie’s idea is too niche and EVERYONE wonders about Harpreet’s sister!

Karren just laughs like a dolphin on crack at every dad joke Sugar makes.

Claude was impressed with her

Back in the boardroom and Kathryn is still insisting it’s OK to use Chinese manufacturers because other companies do it. For someone who pretends to be a designer she’s remarkably uncreative. Stephanie’s authentication process is revealed as someone er looking at a photo of a piece of clothing. Foolproof.

Harpreet sells her sister down the Swanee.

Ultimately though Brittany is fired for her bad business plan and has to leave with nary a hug from the others.

So Sugar is left like King Lear with his three daughters asking the three remaining candidates why they are ace and skill and should win. Kathryn intends to sell pyjamas and make money which Sugar points out is kind of how business should work. She hopes to use more online sales, which Sugar suggests is like Stephanie’s plan, which Kathryn takes a big dump on.

Stephanie hits back that her platform would be more global and Kathryn buts in disdainfully.

Steph suggests her idea will be the biggest thing since veganism and if Sugar doesn’t invest he’ll see her company in 2 to 3 years’ time and say “Oh that’s Stephanie’s idea that she had”.

Finally Harpreet’s sister’s ears get to burn again.

But she rather brilliantly bigs up the other’s ideas “I’d love to buy dog pyjamas and when I had kids I’d be scouring for a discount on designer gear for them”, before presenting her business as a proven, safe and reliable concept. In comparison.

And thus Stephanie is fired for her wobbly ideas.

Next week Kathryn and Harpreet have to launch their brands. Here’s hoping Akeem comes back on Harpreet’s team for some of that sweet sweet Stockholm Syndrome.

Should win: Harpreet’s sister

Meh: Kathryn

Deserves a grilling:

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid, Alex, Francesca, Amy, Sophie, Nick, Akshay, Aaron, Akeem, Brittany, Stephanie

The Apprentice S16 Ep 10: Suffer Little Children

Before I start I’d like to appreciate Team Infinity’s prescient solidarity with Ukraine.

So with the sad loss of loveable bullshitter Akshay, we’re down to the last 6 candidates, so it’s time for a brief rundown of who the hell they really are.

We’ll start with Harpreet. Nobody could ever accuse Harpreet of not wanting to succeed. Her constant mode is Ferocious Ambition. The only problem is she can’t live up to this strategically and comes apart at the seams a little under pressure, taking it out vocally on anyone she perceives as weaker in her vicinity (usually Akeem). She genuinely cares about what she is doing, and she is probably brilliant in real life, but every week I want to love her and watch the brain fog of panic descend and make her talk to people in a way you – well you just shouldn’t without apologising profusely.

Kathryn is what I imagine happens to youth TV presenters when they reach their 30s. There’s still the fading past glories of beauty and relentless surreal chirpiness. There’s still the longing for the Biz as demonstrated by the avant garde acting masterclass that was Amelia Stone. But there’s also an emptiness in Kathryn’s soul that makes her think the word “Boujie” is a good thing, an aspiration for something better but no idea of what real good things are. Give this woman a helicopter and a mission to find “treasure” and she would give it her all though.

Aaron is everymanchild. He can sulk for England when thwarted. He has a resting Idris Elba as Luther after a bad day face. He hates being bested by “girls” at fishing. In fact Aaron has an old-fashioned unreconstructed notion of what masculinity should be, and it gets under his skin when he feels he is not living up to it. Hence his joy at his ultra-fast pit-stop change being faster than all the womens. However when he lets go and enjoys being himself and SMILES he is quite adorable. Joining in with Veronica Green at the Drag Night or telling Dad jokes on his tour. I want him to be happy, because he seems fun then.

I find Stephanie the hardest to read. I am sure she is lovely in real life but her surface gives off that she would be the meanest member of the Pink Ladies and top dog in Prisoner Cell Block H rolled into one. She’s tough, she’s driven and she gives no fucks (unless they’re in front of clients or on air). If she could just be a bit more interesting she could be quite the gay icon. She personifies the term “Resting Bitch Face” and in the last few tasks has shown herself wanting when it comes to client relationships and negotiations (after being quite the dark horse early on). But after swearing twice in front of clients and screwing up selling and haggling – she has to have the secret of alchemy as her business plan, no?

I started off thinking Brittany was a bit neurotic but she’s grown steadily into quite the player, mainly through her collaborations with Aaron, who she works really well with. I admired her politely sticking to her plans as PM. Even her likeable concern about the climate emergency, which seemed crowbarred into some tasks, worked out well in the driverless vehicle task (if not the woeful video game). She’s not always polished, but she’s definitely the one to beat now.

I don’t even want to mention Akeem, as it’s always the ones that I love who get fired. But Akeem is a nerd. He seems lovely, polite (to a fault – the fault being caving in too quickly to pushback) and genuine – he listens to his team which of course Karren and Tim find abhorrent but (call me old fashioned) I think can work – and he came into his own in the video game task. I recall having a similar nerd-crush on Tom the guy who made weird bendy nail files yonks ago and actually won. Dare I dream. Probably not. I think Brittany’s got this, and I wouldn’t begrudge her.

Anyhow here we go with Week 10.

Akeem, looking like third victim in a slasher movie takes the call to go to KidZania in West London.

I spend three minutes thinking they’re saying Kids Saviours and expecting to go to some very creepy church. Steph helpfully explains to Kat who’s trying to work out if it’s worth emerging from the duvet.

So as the only one of them with as yet fruitful loins Aaron is hailed as a potential winner despite looking like he’s struggling to dress himself.

Somehow Akeem ends up in the car with Harpreet who’s in power mode. “At this stage you have to go big or go home” she declares.

I think he fancies her!

Definitely lurve. Akeem and Harpreet K.I.S.S…

To KidZania where, talking of Star-Crossed Lovers, Lord Sugar goes a bit Shakespearean to let us know that even Tim has given up on this show.

He’s replaced for this episode by Mike Souter, a Scot so dour he makes Gordon Brown look like Timmy Mallett. He’s already getting his eye in for the interviews.

The task is to design a unique baby food brand and dish and pitch to high street and online retailers. Most sales wins. To even things up, Steph’s moved to Infinity, managed by dessert mogul Harpreet who’s having one of her visions – so watch out! In what you hope will be a respite for Akeem he’s paired with Stephanie – who leads their branding subteam. Then you remember what Stephanie’s like. Brainstorming commences and Harpreet’s taking no prisoners… or suggestions from anyone else. It’s that tried and tested method of simply talking over Akeem or Steph when they open their mouths to say something, making it sound like a non-stop stream of consciousness or an angry poem.

Over on Diverse, Brittany uses the age-old tumbleweed summoning spell.

They both look pointedly at Aaron, whilst Kathryn asks if anyone has any experience in food manufacturing.. or baby manufacturing.

At which point it’s check mate for poor Aaron despite his kids now being teenagers. He plumps for a veggie middle eastern theme, which actually sounds quite good, but his second major mistake after accepting the role of PM arises when he asks Brittany to take on the kitchen side of the task due to her creativity and knowledge of nutrition. To be fair to Aaron they are good reasons, it’s not just “stick the woman in the kitchen”, but Brittany pushes back, demanding to be on the branding team.

And by acquiescing, and asking Brittany and Kathryn to brand Aaron’s already lost the 3D chess game. He compounds it by telling them to basically do what they want, with no guidance or instruction. If Akeem did this everyone would be slagging him off – at least he had ideas which everyone rubbished rather than saying “Oh I don’t know – just go where your heart leads you!”, but I digress.

This is fucking batshit insanity.

Back on infinity and there’s no chance Harpreet’s subteam are walking away without a brief as she specifies colours and little bowls for the label of her proposed fish curry (shudder). Steph asks if fish should be on the packaging to which Harpreet responds “Let’s not lead with the fish”

Good motto to have in life.

Karren points out that by micromanaging every aspect of the task, Harpreet is putting herself in the firing line if something goes wrong. I might come back to that later…

Anyhow the teams split and poor doomed Aaron goes off to the kitchen where he and Harpreet are taught separately how to puree veggies. I mean how hard can that be?

Although I’m a bit worried that Harpreet only seems to be learning the last word of every sentence.

So we want baby to choke? Hmmm.

Harpreet pitches for celebrity chef status.

Yes I think we need something to calm it down Harpreet. How about a cheeky Sertraline?

OK some Garam Masala then…

It is basically me in the kitchen but without the externalised monologue and Karren sat there pulling faces. And it does sound quite balanced and nice.

Aaron adds every carb known to mankind to his cous cous based baby food, the only veggies being sweet potato and butternut squash. I think he’s been asked to use up Akeem’s surplus rice from Silverstone. Could maybe do with some of Harpreet’s greenage. And a few litres of water.

Playdoh meet concrete, concrete meet playdoh. Aaron calls this a “Moroccan Medley”.

At the House of Fuji Steph and Akeem choose names. Stephanie suggests “Bubba’s Little Dishes” which is quite cutesy – I’ve never had baby brain but if I did I might go for it. Akeem has never heard of the word “Bubba” for baby. To be fair it’s not really a standard word, but surely it’s a recognisable infantilised version. Stephanie starts riffing on the word Foody and Akeem goes for “First Time Foody” (see – he has INPUT) which Steph amends to “First Time Foodies”.

Watch out for that plural later Steph!

Harpreet phones in the ingredients and warns them to mention the nutritional benefits (which she doesn’t explain) and warns them not to deviate. In the nick of time she remembers there’s “no salt or sugar”. Phew! In the Apprentice there is no second phone call.

Brittany and Kathryn go for Little Taste Adventure. Aaron phones in ingredients and there’s NO discussion of names whatsoever. The girls move on to torment their captive designer as they want him to create a magnifying glass logo that also looks like a saucepan.

Kathryn Katsplains.

It ends up looking like someone cooked half a globe.

They spend so long twatting about with this that they rush the rest of the branding whilst Brittany keeps adding random suggestions.

Ending up with a design that looks like the personification of ANGER.

However on Infinity, Steph’s making the second step towards Apprentice legendary fuck-up status by suggesting the Os to FOODIES be shaped out of bowls.

And it’s not like the graphic designer doesn’t subtly warn them.

Also those bowls look like a bra.

Akeem suggest the name of the meal should be on the front of the label (INPUT), but subteam leader Stephanie overrules this saying the brand should be the big thing.

You can do both Steph. Not that it matters at this stage as nobody but their designer (presumably stifling tears of laughter) has noticed.

Karren finally says it out loud that all she sees is “First Time Dies”.

Good point.

The chefs prepare sample batches for the pitches and Aaron HAS discovered green stuff.

It may be a bit of coriander to you but it’s life or scurvy to some poor baby.

More rice Akeem!

“It must be alright cos I keep eating it” reasons Aaron through his mouthful of wallpaper paste.

Akeem directs the First Time FooDIES poster, coaxing cute baby Finn to express all the deadly sins, a sense of adventure, “Reaching towards the East” (?? Like people would know?)  and existential angst within one picture.

Bit early for this though?

Stephanie clearly doesn’t like kids.

She also comes up with the most corporate way ever to tell someone to shut up. Yeah just Stop Vocalising!

She basically just takes over so she can claim credit for the direction, accusing Akeem of being “Too faffy”. So of course they now have to sing to baby Finn whose mistrustful response I love.

You’ve got a few years of this crap at infant school Finn. Enjoy.

It’s telling that after Steph takes over Finn gets so moody they have to leave. Kids recognise evil.

Their poster ends up looking like a horror film. PLEASE don’t feed it to me daddy.

And they still haven’t noticed.

Brittany and Kathryn are blessed with an even more adorable (and definitely more compliant) baby.

Brittany messes with more designers minds.

At least the poor designer has the ghost of George Michael with him offering moral support.

Harpreet lambasts the FooDIES labels for being too basic and not featuring the product on the front.

She hasn’t noticed yet.

Aaron’s chuffed with the fact their label features “adventure and discovery”, fantastic. The girls are less delighted to discover the flavour of his baby food. You can see Kat wondering if it’s acceptable to spit it out on camera.

The nicest thing Kathryn can say about it is that it’s stodgy and beige. I hope for their sake that babies don’t care that much if it’s food. They can’t – all baby food looks pretty vile.

Poor Aaron’s depressed by the feedback.

Steph and Akeem declare Harpreet’s artisan salmon curry to be “alright”. True genius is never appreciated in its time Harpreet. Akeem waffles on about how they carefully “structured” their poster including the highchair as an erm feature? Because that’s where babies normally eat.

(WRONG! The correct answer is “off the floor”).

He describes the logo as “fun and endearing”.

They still haven’t noticed.

It’s Pitch Time  – 1^st time foodies meet Ocado. Stephanie talks about how important having the information on the label is, so they ask why the flavour profile isn’t on the front, which Steph bats away as a “reconfiguration” they can do in post.

And finally.

This woman has been ITCHING to say this!

Finally they notice.

Steph tries to flannel them with the standard “It’s just a prototype” line and they can fix it “IF it is in issue”. IF?!!

The damage is done. Ocado lady lands her killer blow whilst Harpreet just stands there frozenly smiling in disbelief.

Well that went well.

Harpreet’s all for fessing up in the next pitch and stating off the bat they will change the logo. Steph wants to keep schtum and hope they won’t notice it. Oh they’ll notice.

Aaron fares no better with Ocado as even Ocado power lady can’t get the Moroccan medley out of the pouch (although later they suggest a 10-month-old baby couldn’t squeeze the product out – do these monsters make their babies serve themselves?).

SOUKS? More like SUCKS. Ahahahah!

Brittany claims the market research feedback was that people preferred chunkier food. This is a lie. Here’s the feedback.

And Ocado aren’t happy with the taste or texture either.

Brittany claims they are on a mission to “revolutionise bland baby food”. Well they’ve certainly done that.

Ocado power lady asks that age old question about the logo.

Brittany clears it up by saying very slowly “It is supposed to be a frying pan and a magnifying glass”, but then they get stick because Ocado point out a frying pan doesn’t scream health. Or Morocco for that matter. Maybe they should have had a tagine shaped like a boat?

All the kids at Akeem’s First Time FooDIES feedback session love their fishy curry. Because they can’t read.

Unfortunately the parents aren’t quite so enamoured of the logo.

And the penny finally drops for Akeem too bless him. “Slight concern that it actually says dies” he worries.

Next pitch is to Iceland – and why Harpreet just doesn’t go over those dodgy Os with a marker and tippex I don’t know. Stephanie leads the pitch and sure enough tries to gaslight Iceland into ignoring the elephant – but they’re not having it.

Steph claims they didn’t notice but are happy to change the logo “if you think that reads like that”. Which isn’t at all going to make them look like fuckwits.

If there was ever a word you don’t want associated with babies, Iceland man warns.

Which one is it out of First Time Fuck Dies then mate? Oh JUST the last one?

Harpreet pushes Akeem at them to say how much the babies loved the products because babies can’t read. Iceland agree that the product tastes really good, but can’t get over the name.

Aaron’s strategy for the Iceland is to give the girls a look of “Help” if he’s struggling.  

Brittany jaunts in. “Michael, Richard, Sanj good evening” she breezes.

Awkward, because there’s no Michael there. Just Matthew.

Whilst Richard from Iceland appreciates Brittany’s pashun – the product is just too damn stodgy and dull for him to buy into. Kathryn again lies that at feedback the babies loved it. What this baby?

Iceland also don’t feel the poster or logo is clear enough. Aaron tries some quality sucking up.

He suggests that if anything needs tweaking he’s happy to work with them, but perhaps Kathryn knocking the poster off its easel on the way out isn’t going to help them change their minds.

Aaron sweetly tells the girls that he’s really chuffed with how they’ve done, whatever happens. So first chance they get they’re blaming him for the task failure.

In the slightly mammoth boardroom session, Stephanie blames Harpreet for not putting the meal type on the front. There’s a slight difference from “Don’t lead with fish” there, which actually meant not having fish in the logo. Sugar points out Stephanie’s “Asian bowls” look like a bikini top. I love that Aaron has a little chuckle at this. Boys will be boys.

Sugar drags the evisceration of the poster out, getting increasingly exasperated as he berates them for ten minutes for not even having the words describing the food on there in bold before moving onto the “elephant”. Aaron thinks he’s smashed it at this point.

Not the best choice of words in response there from Harpreet.

Stephanie fibs that she didn’t tell Iceland up front because she didn’t want to look “unprofessional” because she takes everything anyone says literally so she can use it to defend herself from blame. Karren sorts her out.

Anyhow NOBODY GOT ANY ORDERS – to which Sugz gives a justified “BLADDY HELL!” so they all troop off to the SAD CAFÉ which has to put extra chairs out. Stephanie’s still trying to take credit for the name. I’d give up on that if I was you. Brittany and Kathryn blame Aaron for a lack of direction and he basically holds his hands up and says if it’s because of the food he’ll take it. Last time I looked this programme was not called Masterchef.

Back in the boardroom however Aaron is fired for creating the worst product.

Harpreet blames her branding team for their failure and Akeem holds his hands up.

Nooooo!

Asked why he should stay he points out he was the second person to be PM twice, but doesn’t point out he won twice as PM. But it’s too no avail as yet again a candidate I like is regretfully fired. In the taxi of tears we find out he runs a sportswear business, which is surprisingly off brand (I’d assumed as a maths nerd he would have a magic calculator company), but good luck to him. I would like him to join Harpreet as sous chef on her cook show – before they get married obvs.

Next week the bullshit hits the fan as it’s the interview round. And the return of Claude. Get em Claude! Not sure if I’ll have the energy to blog it mind.

Will probably win: Brittany

Wouldn’t mind winning because she wants it so darn much: Harpreet

Meh: Kathryn

Deserves a grilling: Stephanie

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid, Alex, Francesca, Amy, Sophie, Nick, Akshay, Aaron, Akeem (having a name beginning with A was not a good move this series)

The Apprentice S16 ep9: The Owl IS What it Seems

It’s Week 9 and Akshay takes the 5am call from the Satanic Shrine to Hungry Hungry Hippos.

The candidates gather in the glamour of an empty Greenwich market to be tasked with selecting and flogging tat during a pretend “selling hour” to the drunk and vulnerable on a “leading shopping channel” (TJC for short). Brittany gasps in ludicrous excitement.

It’s Brittany’s childhood dream of one day selling things on a channel where Z-List Celebrities go to die.

I have a dream. That one day I will sell vibrating slippers to mad people

Aaron tries to crush that dream as he’s decided a selling task is right up his street so puts himself forward to lead Infinity. However Brittany’s pashun gets her duly elected as PM.  

The passion of the Brittany

Aaron says he’s not bothered – but you can never tell with Aaron. He usually does this Idris Elba as Luther having a shit day face.

Could be happy. Could be the main suspect got away. Who knows!

Brittany’s first edict is to create a subteam to go and choose random shit extra products to sell – so she puts Harpreet in charge of Akeem.

Yes that well known dream combo back together again. Blink if you need support Akeem.

Akeem’s confident he can go for products with good USPs as this is part of his day job. Harpreet does a Robert De Niro face of Unconvincedness.

Wise guy huh?

Brittany takes Aaron to check out the high-end products. In the car she makes an admission.

I love Brittany’s self-reflection.

In the TJC warehouse, which presumably also houses the lost ark of the covenants they encounter Raghu.  of who guards the precious things and demands due respect for them.

Looking for the Sue Gray report

Brittany goes on a charm offensive deciding that some serious sucking up is called for.

No, more sucking up than that!

To be fair Brittany and Aaron strike an easy rapport with Raghu by showing interest in him and his products.

Diverse talk strategy in the poshest pie and mash caff ever.

Altogether “Knees up Mater Sienna! Oi!”

Akshay is a man to his word taking on the PM role and cursing himself by declaring at several points throughout the task that they’re going to “Smash It”. Steph is happy to lead his subteam of er Kat, who he sends to chase the “Star Product”. Kathryn suggests they need to go for the high-end risk of the £4K ring given it is on a jewellery channel.

Unfortunately Stephanie’s curse of the RBF and the girls inability to engage with Raghu beyond an SS style interrogation on price and sales numbers. What was it Oscar Wilde said about cynics?

So needless to say Brittany and Aaron scoop the precious ring, whereas Steph and Kathryn are left with the £400 air fryer.  It’s all about the PASHUN for Raghu in his lonely dragons lair of flotsam!

Harpreet and Akeem arrive at the Dragons Den room now repurposed as an Aladdin’s Cave of the sort of thing my other half’s mum buys me for Christmas. I swear I mentioned I liked owls once – I now have six owl ornaments including a fluffy Christmas owl and a healing crystal owl.

So this is my next Christmas present. Behold the hand crafted solar powered owl.

I’ve seen SIX of the feckers!

This is how Athena would light up her back garden. Akeem is very impressed by the “ooh handmade!” element.

Having been tasked by Brittany with gathering as much info as possible about the products so, you know, they can sell them, Harpreet and Akeem play around randomly with all the energy of me going round the Gadget Shop. At least they’re quite friendly. But not THAT friendly.

Like smothering her?

Akeem demonstrates a discerning knowledge of fabrics.

Akeem would NOT have selected this product. Just saying…

Sticking with ornithology Harpreet falls in love with a pink inflateable flamingo – and when Akeem drags her round in it does look like the happiest moment all series.

Harpreet is smitten “You could say OOH have fun with your grandchildren.. you could take it on your Staycation” (ignoring the fact that even if your staycation is to a British Coastal Resort where this may be useful, you can buy this for a couple of quid in the seafront tut-marts). “Durable, lightweight.. you can take the air out of it” she babbles desperately.

Eager to please Akeem joins in.

Ironically Brittany and Aaron are feeling pretty buoyant as they drive away from securing their ring (fnar), so it’s great to watch them descend into a surreal nightmare as Harpreet chirpily details the sub-team purchases.

I think Aaron is still thinking about the owl. He doesn’t even know the bedding set is polyester yet.

I love how he physically flinches out of his own body when Harpreet mentions “An inflatable flamingo”.

I’ve seen bad things.

Brittany tries to put a brave face on things.

Akshay goes solo to the room of dreams, although I love how, just because Karren is holding a pen and notepad he tries to rope her in as his personal assistant and sounding board.

Take this down for me Ms Brady

Oh feck off

Karren’s not playing.

Akshay proceeds to show off doing press-ups and goes a bit Alan Partridge/Fast Show Jazz over the press-up machine thing.

Hey girlies! Look how many press-ups I can do!

Eventually he plumps for some snail-mucus cream, a clothes steamer and a robot rampant rabbit I mean “personal massager”.

Actually they are very Shopping Channel products and he does focus on things that address a problem or have a story behind them – and they all have a physical, visual method of demonstration.

He still thinks Karren is his PA.

Karren’s actual notepad

Akshay’s chosen to let the girls present whilst he plays with the cool tech stuff. This looks like a major own goal (Akshay and Kathryn would have had the right energy) as Steph demonstrates when they video her demoing the Air Fryer with Kathryn directing – Steph has only one face and little interest in products apart from how much they can be sold for.

Still Kathryn tries her best and god loves a trier.

But even when Stephanie tries to smile, it’s like when Gordon Brown used to try to smile.

With humanity

Frankly unnerving. Some people just aren’t made for it.

Over on Infinity Aaron directs his video Masterpiece. He’s taking it seriously. He even storyboards it!

It definitely has a French New wave quality to it – didn’t have Aaron down as a “Last Year at Marionbad” fan, but the evidence speaks for itself.

At first sight, it seemed impossible to lose your way. At first sight..

amidst these statues, where you were already losing your way forever in the still night

I must have you alive

Flawless.

I still like running non-Baywatchy (actual direction) Brittany the best.

You’re raving! I’m tired, leave me alone!

However it speaks nothing of rings to me.

Next day Akshay regales the girls with the stories behind his products – forgetting from the last task that they prefer to shun actual research and learning in favour of winging it.

I do love his tale of the snail frotting farmers in Chile with sun wisened faces and arms but freakishly youthful hands.

Not the story of the Chilean revolution sadly

 It won’t make me buy snail juice but it did make me look it up – and I still don’t know how true it is. http://www.snailstreet.com/secrets-of-snail.php

“No snails are harmed” Akshay insists. “It’s just using the best part of snails”. I think snails might disagree on those statements.

Meanwhile Aaron meets the owl light. It’s handmade don’t you know.

Have you been posessed by a wooden bird fetish?

I’ve seen things no man should see

It does not go well. Also how the hell is it handmade to give a wooden effect. It’s wood surely. You’re not carving it out of plastic. “Do you know where it’s handmade from?” Aaron asks. No they do not.

Harpreet suggests a novel selling technique.

Well it starts with Twit

Next comes the regal Flamingo.

Aaron asks about the USP and I love how proud Akeem is of the heavy-duty handles!

I also love how unimpressed Harpreet appears to be about the ring.

She thinks it’s too luxury and it would have been better to go for something “more practical” – like some form of fake bird?

Still it’s all worth it for this.

The presenters and producers get their instructions – I think Brittany’s a natural with her vibrating exercise board warm-up demo whilst the TJC guy yells instructions at her and Aaron collapses into hysterics.

Akshay asks thoughtful questions of the tech guy in the control room but sadly I’m just childishly amused by the Strap On button.

Tee hee

He allocates Stephanie to advertise the fryer, Kathryn the snail juice and Kathryn to lead them both in flogging the vibrator massager.

Meanwhile Brittany welcomes us to Hell.

L

All very Twin Peaks with the owl in the log.

Unfortunately it was a false start so there’s an awkward gap. Not like they’ve lost out on owl flogging time. Despite Akeem gently urging them to stress “Handmade with hands” they have to half the price – and amazingly ten people call. At this point those callers need an intervention – that’s a cry for help.

Next up there’s no callers for the £25 plastic Flamingo. “Fuck let’s do a shock price” Harpreet panics and drops it to an equally ridiculous £15 before losing it – barking orders “Stand up! Swing her around!” at Akeem and the presenters.

Oh well – the harmony was nice when it lasted.

Brittany I’m not even there and I need a jug of cocktail.

Harpreet takes over on giving instructions (it’s hard to notice the difference) and to be fair she’s right to urge Brittany to more visually display the ring and clean the fluff off it. They could market the ring as having touched Brittany’s tit now.

“I’ll just make it all shiny with my boob” – we have 2000 callers online

“Step out in front of the desk!” bellows Harpreet.

That went well.

Next Aaron whilst failing to physically engage with the bedding does at least manage to find one USP.

Diverse go next and Akshay does a decent job at the instructions, although when the sales don’t fly in he has a tendency to price drop pretty quickly. Also Steph and Kathryn both struggle at listening whilst talking – which fair enough is a tough skill to master even for people with empathy.

Also they have a tendency to just hold or stand around their products rather than demonstrating them.

Akshay tries to liven things up.

The injuries it can cause?

But TJC tell him off. To be fair if your life previously was steamer free wouldn’t it technically be correct?

It doesn’t help that Steph and Kathryn as we saw last week are sweary marys and unlike Harpreet earlier Steph unleashes a four-letter fuck-up when the mics are actually live.

The massager demo starts off as it should with Kathryn presenting and demoing and Stephanie pretending to feel better.

The problem is she runs out of ideas and sits there looking bored. Akshay asks her to say something, which leads to awkward moments where they talk over each other, whilst not saying anything more of interest about the product.

I love this song

Still Stephanie’s slip of the tongue does make her sound like a high-end masseuse.

And that’s not even with a happy ending

Akshay’s lost so much faith that within seconds of the air fryer going live he’s dropped the price twice. Stephanie looks full of enthusiasm at this.

It ends up dropping to £117 just to attract 6 bids.

Finally Kathryn tries to sell the snail slime without completing the Chilean farmer story. At least, she reassures us, the product is “Vegan Friendly”

Oh dear. TJCs legal department has woken up again.

Well at least the snails are er friendly.

I’m more surprised she got away with promising it as the secret to eternal youth to be honest.

Back in the boardroom Lord Sugar continues the façade that he watched the candidates selling hours on real telly.

Stephanie pretends that she showed passion in the quest for the ring (which Sugar gets to do the obvious Tolkienesque dad joke about):

Stephanie claims Raghu gave the ring to Aaron and Brittany because of their jewellery selling experience. Karren as always puts the boot in.

She’s also quick to condemn Stephanie for swearing on air.

Akshay lightens the mood by going all “Enough about that what about ME?!” to the girls.

Cracking Sugar, Karren and Tim up.

Bless Akshay.

I do like Sugar’s critique of Brittany and Aaron’s early presenting style:

Akeem insists they provided plenty of information to sell the solar powered owl light and when challenged lists just 3, one being that it’s solar powered. At which point Harpreet helpfully nudges him under the bus.

Anyhow it’s numbers that matter and the “real confirmed sales figures” (after buyers sober up) are in.

3 person Diverse sold 84 products (but only 4 of the star product) and made £2089

4-person Infinity made 56 sales – but thanks to 1 person going through with buying the ring made £2500

That’s close and I’m a little sad as Akshay was immediately doomed should this task be loss, yet he did his research, picked good products and engaged well (you could argue Brittany, Aaron and Akshay did best personally in this task) – however he should have been schmoozing and selling with Kathryn so perhaps the failure does rest in his ego.

But never mind because the winners get the Ru Paul’s Drag Race tie in we’ve always wanted! An Audience With Veronica Green at the Pheonix – and bless her she still needs to up her wig game!

One candidate is VERY excited!

It’s like this is all for Brittany at first.

Harpreet (who is still insisting that barking out orders is a valid leadership style) looks sweetly confused during it all. Aaron (who SMILES!) and Akeem seem to really get into it.

I have NO idea what is going on – but I quite like it

In the Sad Café the girls of course blame Aaron – and this seems to stick going back in. Despite the loss of the best star buy, the rubbish presenting, lack of attention to details provided and saying SHIT to potentially (if it had really been live on air) lots of old ladies with heart conditions, Stephanie remains and Akshay is fired because, as Sugar says, on the losing team 8 times “No Smoke Without Fire”.

He’s still positive and smiley in the taxi of despair and I swear when he doesn’t return to the help a few heads are still turned expectantly towards the door waiting for him to saunter in.

Next week the candidates make baby food. What could possibly etc etc?

Liking: Akeem, Brittany

Warming to again: Aaron

Meh: Harpreet, Kathryn

Strangely Put Off by: Stephanie

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid, Alex, Francesca, Amy, Sophie, Nick, Akshay

The Apprentice S16 ep8: Car crash TV

Sorry this is late again. Bit under the weather and this season feels hard to write about. So far this (possibly Covid restricted) series we’ve had as task themes BOATS (episode 1 & 4), Toothbrushes (ep 2), RECIPES (ep 3 (drinks) & 4 (fish), Tech (Ep 3 (Toothbrush app) & 5 (Games), Tours (ep 6), Cars (ep 7) – so let’s do something crazy and go for cars, tours and a little bit of recipes. Just to mix it up like.

Anyhow Week 8 dawns at 4am with Brittany, evocatively lit like a carnival fortune teller, in her fetching Gemini bed blindfold taking the call summoning the candidates to Aston Martin HQ.

“I see a short beardy man who looks a bit like Nookie Bear”

“Sounds like it could be a driving task” guesses Harpreet.  Brittany takes a “stab in the dark” guessing it might be car related.

No shit Sherlock.

On the drive to Warwickshire Aaron regales Harpreet with his Aston Martin story.

I do love Harpreet’s response. “Everything but” being in an Aston Martin. The possibilities are endlessly boggling.

Aaron continues with a wistful look in his eye.

That journey must have flown by!

At Aston Martin HQ in another not terribly tenuous link Sugar reminds us that cars are sometimes used in Formula 1 so the task is to lay on a racing themed corporate away day (complete with a tour, a racing “experience” and food and drink) at Silverstone, using two “global partners” of Aston Martin as guinea pigs clients. Most pretend profit after any “refunds” wins

On Diverse, Stephanie confidently puts herself forward with her background in “luxury corporate hospitality” and nobody challenges this, not even Akshay a man we were told last week “constantly talks about cars”.

Over on Infinity Brittany throws her “first class degree in hospitality” into the ring, but is immediately steam-rollered by Harpreet who points out the task is about profit not just events.

Harpreet comes out with some claptrap about wanting to work closely with Brittany and discussing their “vision” but then states she knows in detail every last minutia of the task.

And the guys vote for her out of pure terror.

The teams choose their “experiences” with Stephanie plumping for a museum tour followed by a “track experience” whereas Harpreet is keen on a “pit stop” experience and some motion simulator “pretend you’re driving an F1 car” thing. Brittany seems to be more aware of profit margins, pointing out that the team could save money by putting on their own experience but Harpreet’s not having any of it and insists on paying for an activity in order to lay on a “premium experience”.

She gets more and more “customer services call holding message” in her interactions when challenged that I almost expect her to say “Your input is important to me – but please fuck off” to Brittany.

Next the teams pick food options with Stephanie putting the ex-car-enthusiast Akshay with Nick on catering and demanding they provide luxury food at mid-range prices (and also – in response to Nick yes she still does want this to be the best experience of their clients’ lives – no pressure). Just send the lads down to Home Bargains for a case of pot noodles and stick a load of chopped coriander on top Steph – nobody will be any the wiser.

Over on Infinity it’s pricing time (without fail before they’ve actually worked out costs). Harpreet sees that the basic package costs £300 so decides to go in big and ask for £500 and sends Aaron and Brittany to negotiate with the client. Aaron is confident of “going in big” and at the unnamed tech client suggests £600 per person and argues them up from £250 to £310 per person (they could have dropped the motion simulator for this, which Brittany is now bigging up as “Virtual Reality” to a bunch of techies – but Aaron for some reason thinks this element of the experience is “Vital”. We shall see.

Stephanie meanwhile decides to try for £750 per person. There’s going in “big” and there’s mugging. She still undercuts herself starting at £700, but their client (Peroni) aren’t budging much and it gets a bit fractious with Stephanie just hammering out prices without discussing the clients need and thus only managing to argue them up from £200 to £245 (perhaps panicking when Peroni man feigns impatience).

Brutal.

Steph could have saved some cash by suggesting downgrading one of the elements, but it doesn’t occur to her. Outside Kathryn comforts her like they’re down the Slug and Lettuce discussing relationship troubles.

He didn’t deserve you love

Nick and Akshay decide to sample ALL of the grub – starting at the lower end and working their way up. They’re particularly smitten by the mid-end Kung Po chicken – with brownies apparently garnished by fruity merkin sculptures for dessert.

The King Po option costs £16 which even with those brownies seems fucking astronomically overpriced (I’m getting some Kung po King prawns from my local takeaway tonight and it costs £5.90 – bung in some Singapore noodles and a few viennettas – job done) and the food lady is particularly resistant to lowering this. Akshay puts on the charm.

I can’t stop laughing at this picture of Nick guiltily snaffling another brownie in the background.

Brownie? What brownie?

Akshay for all his smarming is negotiated into paying £13 but only through Nick’s promise of them doing the washing up afterwards.

Stephanie now apparently on her way back from the Slug and Lettuce with her bestie calls and admits they’re only getting £245 per customer.

“Why not round up?” moans Akshay.

Even Nick isn’t optimistic.

On the Harpreet and Akeem dream catering subteam there is NOT a chance in hell Harpreet is allowing Akeem ANY agency. And he just meekly takes it.

Unfortunately Harpreet has chosen to lead negotiations with an even more stubborn food lady. With her heart set on this “Indian butter chicken” – finding it hard to find the chicken here. In fact most of this plate seems to be rice. Which may explain what happens later.

It looks a bit like grilled Halloumi with fancy rice pudding. Annoyingly the dessert is tiramisu or they could have gone the full ambrosia style option.

Harpreet starts by asking what price they want – which is normally a wise option but here the answer is just too upsetting. £34 – is there a starter made of cocaine, saffron and hand sanitiser?!!!

Unless this was £34 for an actual cooked person…

Harpreet ends up getting it down to £26 per person. Maybe she should have given Akeem more to do than holding an open notepad and looking discombobulated?

Bring the price down or I’ll read this ancient Sumerian demon poetry at you!

I would have rather cooked and eaten Silverstone roadkill than pay even that price. Look at the food lady openly laughing at them.

I bet she gobs in the tiramisu too.

Still at least it gives Brittany a chance to look momentarily smug.

(Aaron always looks like the wife’s taken the kids and he doesn’t know how he’ll cope).

At Silverstone our two besties are living their best life doing a practice lap in their fast cars!

I’ll get you Penelope Pitstop if it’s the last thing I do!

Well one of them is.

Considering Aaron and Brittany are doing the track tour and pit stop shouldn’t Kathryn and Steph er be reading about the museum tour. Just saying.

Brittany and Aaron actually do lots of homework and because Aaron discovers he’s much faster at doing pitstops and the blokes there compliment him he finally smiles. Masculine pride restored.

“Said the actress to the Bishop” etc

Time to negotiate the Team Building experience – looks like Nick and Akshay have just borrowed their mates Scalextrics – oh no they do have to pay £495 to a mild-mannered beardy bloke.

Time for Harpreet to unleash her killer negotiating again. That’s right Akeem you get out of the way and play on the pointless simulator which looks like something out of a Clacton arcade.

She even bosses the man when he’s playing. To be fair she just wants to understand what happens when the guests crash into a wall.

Fair enough. Carry on.

Somehow this man wants £1000 for the use of this toy.

Maybe that’s why he looks slightly haunted – because of all the theft.

This time they both get the notepads out just in case Akeem’s holding it wrong.

Akeem’s big moment

Every word on those pages is actually just “SHIIIT!!!”

It looks for a moment that Harpreet’s about to tell the bloke to take his toy and go crash into a wall when she’s offered £800.

Sadly she accepts.

Albeit as passive aggressively as she can. He can cry on the way to the bank.

On Infinity Brittany’s keen on having more stop points on the track tour, but over on Diverse Stephanie wants less on the museum tour.

She’s convinced the museum will do all the work and they have nothing to learn.

Oh oh

Kathryn agrees that by chucking guests at the immersive aspects of the museum and willing them to interact it will be easier for her subteam.

Next day whilst Stephanie and Kathyn boast about what a great day out they’ve had, Harpreet again has to confess the cost of the Simulator, and tries to blame the subteam for promising it to the client. Brittany gets to look smug again.

In an attempt to generate some revenue Harpreet suggests Aaron and Brittany deter their tour guests from taking pictures with their phones so she can sell pictures Kathryn takes. What “deter” like this?

Or this?

Or even this?

This is how Aaron vogues

To be fair Aaron and Brittany do a pretty good job. Aaron breaking the ice with an “I know what you’re thinking” dad joke:

before kicking off with a tour of Silverstone’s iconic “corners” (so iconic they’re actually bends) even giving a little history on the “unfortunate”murder of Thomas a Becket.

It’s not all fun stuff like murders though.

Aaron throws down the gauntlet on the pitstop challenge.

How delighted is he that this woman was much slower than he was?

LOSER!

Aaron is living the dream this task.

Meanwhile on the less well prepared Diverse subteam it’s like a modern-day Aesop’s fable of the little bunnies who couldn’t be arsed reading as Stephanie and Kathryn manage to get their group hopelessly lost in the Silverstone museum.

This rapidly becomes a hostage situation.

LOOK AT THE THINGS AND ENJOY YOURSELF OR ELSE

“Let them have a little look around” mutters Steph within earwigging distance of her group “Gives you time to figure out where the fuck we are”.

At one point Stephanie asks if the guests want to know what makes a racing car tick and they gather round expectantly only for her to send them to waft aimlessly round the room in search of knowledge.

“This is great cos they get to do it themselves” Kathryn preens. Unfortunately Stockholm syndrome wears off and some of the guests start asking awkward questions and Steph and Kat have no idea what the interactive displays do or where the relevant ones are.

Peroni Man is angered

Stephanie decides to call quits on the interactive museum experience and drag the guests to lunch.

The other teams have been on “kitchen duty” which is where I get really angry at those food prices. You’d expect the meals to come in at least little reheatable containers for what they’ve paid but no the teams apparently have to prepare, cook, portion and plate it all themselves.

Nick and Akshay develop a beautiful bond over their shared love of cooking.

Nick insists it’s all in the preparation so of course they’ve forgotten to put the oven on.

Unfortunately they’re still faffing when the tour turns up hungry and the table hasn’t even been set.

Stephanie not at all awkwardly sets the table around the seated guests and the waiting game begins until 40 minutes in Nick and Akshay saunter right past the guests in their pinnies and hairnets like Mrs Overall tribute acts – much to Kathryn’s mortification.

Pretty sure they’ve started eating the balloons at this point

It gets even better when they realise they haven’t got plates.

Eventually they plate up.

Table cloth by Damien Hirst

Some of the sauce even gets onto the plate.

Unhappy punters fed, Nick and Akshay scrape the plates and start washing up.

Meanwhile for Akeem the beasting begins.

Pretty much every Akeem reaction shot this episode

Harpreet puts him on rice duty telling him to whack in more rice as it’s better to have too much than too little.

“This looks like a lot” Akeem worries, but Harpreet insists he just “Make Rice” and aggressively micromanages every aspect of this for him.

It’s uncomfortable viewing as Akeem just passively soaks it in, much like the vast padi field worths of rice in the oven. “A kitchen is a military operation” Harpreet insists. It looks like Akeem is a prisoner of war. He suggests making a backup portion of rice (dear lord!) and Harpreet explodes, Ramsey style.

Fortunately Brittany turns up to help with service and comment on the amount of rice. “Don’t worry we’ve got plenty” gabbles Harpreet who’s completely lost it at this point. For god sake nobody mention the naan bread.. oh shit!

Kathryn is determined to give the clients a great afternoon driving the Aston martin round the track and the clients on the whole seem happy, when they’re not on the verge of puking. Which at least Stephanie can identify with.

Harpreet unveils the motion simulator and the clients aren’t impressed.

Harpreet tries to dress it up as the closest you can get to Virtual Reality – but her saying that is even closer to a form of virtual reality.

Everyone has way more fun on the scalextrics.

In the boardroom, Stephanie admits abject failure on negotiating a price. Sugar seems tickled with Akshay’s haggling technique. And Nick gets compared to Manuel because Lord Sugar lives in the 1970s.

I love how Nick soaks up all the mockery so sweetly.

On Infinity Brittany gives Aaron credit for negotiating the price, but she gets stick from Karren for insisting on still calling the motion simulator VR. I’m with Karren on this.

Ricegate of course raises its ugly head with Harpreet now expecting Akeem to change the laws of physics and prepare a couple of kilos of rice in less than 15 minutes.

I’m pretty impressed given the cooking instructions for rice in the oven.

Akeem finally pushes back and it descends into bickering.

You tell her Akeem!

Aaron’s face is all of us.  

Karren picks up on the “tension” between Akeem and Harpreet. Not sure it’s that sort of tension Karren..

Anyhow results are in.

Diverse spent £895 and took £145 on photos but after refunds to disgruntled customers only made £1209

Infinity spent way more (£1283) took less on photos (£109) but had no refunds so made £1926 (with Brittany and Aaron getting praised by the clients) and are sent to the new Spurs Stadium. What a treat eh?

Akeem is too pure for this world and gives Harpreet credit for the win – I like to think it’s the cameraman saying “WOW??!” there.

Akeem mate blink if you need rescuing

In the Sad Café whilst the girls connive to blame the kitchen team, Akshay rightly identifies the main issue as being the low ticket cost. Back in the boardroom, Sugar even calls Stephanie’s negotiations “pathetic” as it transpires her client actually had £3k to spend, and it seems he’s rumbled her plan as he brings all four back in.

Akshay is the boardroom loser heavyweight here having been there 5 times now, whilst Stephanie and Nick have both (disgraced) this scenario 3 times.

We get an obligatory 1970s Grand Pricks gag.

Altogether now. “But it SAYS PRICKS!”

And Lord Sugar draws out the none tension before “regretfully” firing Nick for being a bit well Nick bless him.

Continuing with the smut, Sugar accuses Kathryn of not showing him much and she begs to let her show him.

Oh please let us handle him easily!

Akshay PROMISES to be Project Manager and they’re all shooed out by Karren before LordSugz releases hell.

In the taxi of despair Nick has cosplayed as an Edwardian thespian with a dreadful tragic secret.

So farewell Nick you strange sweet otherworldly poo logo creating frustrated artist accountant type chap and back to your elfin grot with you.

Back at the house, Akshay swaggers in to cheers like he’s a recurring character in a US sitcom.

“I AIN’T GOING ANYWHERE” [WHOOPS]

Next week the usually joyous shopping channel task. Please don’t screw this one up.

#JUSTICE4: Akeem

Liking: Akshay

New Head Girl: Brittany

Warming to again: Aaron

Meh: Stephanie, Harpreet, Kathryn

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid, Alex, Francesca, Amy, Sophie, Nick

The Apprentice S16 ep7: Twilight of the Pods

(Again sorry for my lateness due to being laid up with an appallingly painful back – am currently dosed up on painkillers & smothered in some odd Polish ointment containing CBD oil and chilli that my lovely neighbour and constant source of odd ailment cures gave me. My back is having fever hallucinations).

Week 7 dawns with Aaron enthusiastically answering the 4am summons and bounding up the stairs with all the grace of a toddler elephant on Christmas day bellowing “GUYS!!! GET YOURSELVES UP!”

Despite nobody having suggesting he should Project Manage Akeem somehow believes it is his duty to do so and insists he’s going to have to rule with an iron fist. No more Mr Nice Akeem.

At the Here East hub for innovation and technology in the Queen Elizabeth Park Lord Sugar arrives in a driverless pod that resembles a throat lozenge, as, in another non-tenuous link, the candidates are tasked with designing and branding a driverless pod aimed at the leisure and sport industries and pitch to a corporate customer. Most orders wins.

The teams are mixed up for maximum annoyance with Kathryn joining Diverse (Sophie, Akshay, Nick & Steph) and Britanny sent to Infinity (Akeem, Harpreet, Aaron) which she seems genuinely insanely pleased about.

As ever Stephanie asks Diverse the killer question “So does anyone have exp with autonomous vehicles?” but straight off there’s a volunteer as Akshay, whilst not au fait with the electric kind absolutely loves cars so would seem a perfect fit for the PM role.

Well unless you’re Sophie, who gasps like a woman determined to keep Akshay away from anything that might make him happy.

Sophie volunteers because she knows sod all about cars but once designed her own BAR which sounds a bit like car right?

Bizarrely Steph votes for Sophie to PM with her “extensive” interior design experience, although given their previous interactions this could be a cunning set-up for a fall.

Akshay looks forlorn.

Over on Infinity, (who straightaway I love for eschewing a meeting room for sitting amongst the flowers in the sunshine) Akeem is duly elected PM for his Tech Skillz and Nerd cred and lays down his iron gauntlet suggesting the pod should be a sort of taxi

(erm isn’t it going to be that anyway?) but also sustainable

(erm isn’t it that already?) but also futuristic

(erm.. OK I’ll stop).

Aaron, already clearly befuddled by the word futuristic, worries that the idea is too complex.

Go on Akeem put him in his place!

Oh. OK.

The observing Tim is unimpressed.

I mean heaven forfend that a manager works collaboratively with their team, listening and taking on board input!

Sophie meanwhile wants a “party pod” in red and (accursed) green. At least there’s no brown. It has to be “the vibe” whatever that means.

And “ultra instagrammable”.

Yeah you and me both Karren.

It all has to scream Wow!

But not like this sadly.

Kathryn worries it might be “tacky”. This remember is the woman who thought “boujie” was a good thing, but Sophie insists it will be more of an experience, a lifestyle or an atmosphere. I’m calling it now Sophie’s bar sounds fricking awful. Although Gloucester Live quite like it. Because they were on expenses. https://www.gloucestershirelive.co.uk/whats-on/reviews/visited-apprentices-sophie-wildings-hidden-6514929

Kathryn asks Sophie to share her vision clearly so everyone is on the same page. Sophie insists she is 100% for the party pod.  

Akshay volunteers to bring his technical knowledge to the corporate subteam. Sophie of course immediately slaps him down.

No fun allowed for Akshay. Sophie chooses Nick and Stephanie to meet the corporate client with her and, just to remove any shadow of doubt that she utterly despises Akshay with every fibre of her being she makes Kathryn sub team leader.

Turns out they’re both worried Sophie’s idea is tacky.

Akeem asks Brittany to lead branding and asks Harpreet to join her, but immediately Harpreet pushes back he acquiesces and lets her join him on corporate with Aaron put on branding. To be fair it is a wise choice, but I do love him insisting to camera that he’s become more assertive. He doesn’t get off to a good start with the client in Wembley by confusing the number of arenas in Wembley, focusing on events and not listening to the client talking about the shopping centre and restaurants.

Fortunately Harpreet jumps in and brings it back with the novel approach of asking the client what they want.

They prompt Akeem and Harpreet to think about the diversity of users, which to be fair they should have done before this meeting, so they’re back at square one. Harpreet’s straight out the room leaving Akeem to pick up the paperwork so she can complain to camera about having to “step up” to find out what the client wanted.

Hell hath no fury like Harpreet having had to contribute.

Brittany and Aaron work with Tina the digital designer to create “BeePure” (Aaron’s suggestion) with Brittany again going the full Greta. She likes the concept of the bees.

However the yellow colour of bees on the logo isn’t “pure” enough for her.

Who knew yellow was the colour of SEX? That explains why this feels rude.

Akeem calls and Brittany grills him about units and cost, none of which he has got the info on – but this shouldn’t matter to the branding team. She totally fails to tell him what their design is, apart from that it’s focused on sustainable, although he stresses it should be modern. And at that Brittany cuts him off so she and Aaron can bitch about him not getting figures. It’s like they’ve forgotten they’re there to brand and are already looking at pitching. Surely they need to know WHAT they will be pitching first?

At the NEC the client tells Sophie they want to create “unforgettable experiences” which Sophie insists bizarrely is “word for word” exactly what she said earlier.

I mean they’ve all been sat there and she’s straight up gaslighting them. I love how Steph’s face gives it away.

Despite false memory syndrome when it comes to what she said, Sophie promises an “everlasting memory” and tones down her idea to an “experience pod”.

Anything branded as an “Experience” is shit.

NEC lady warns that their customers have different needs so “don’t be too niche”.

Blissfully unaware on branding Kathryn and Akshay brainstorm names whilst their designer worries it’s going to be a long day.

It’s a party, a celebration. Celepod is my absolute favourite suggestion.

Mainly because if you google it you get pictures of giant squids. They end up plumping for “Star Pod” even though Kathryn worries it sounds like a karaoke booth. The quest for a suitable logo begins.

Kathryn worries it’s “not a good message” if the star on the pod looks like an explosion, but eventually goes for it.  

Karren thinks it looks like an exploding toaster.

Sophie calls and explains that the NEC don’t want anything “too niche” and they should forget the party element. So much for that clear vision! She insists she hasn’t changed the idea since the morning. I do love Akshay taking the piss asking “just to confirm do you want it sharable or instagrammable?”

Steph doesn’t like the logo or the name. I love Nick’s optimism.

Sophie leads this subteam to design the interior of the pods, in a fun twist. So Sophie goes for a red carpet and starlight ceiling prompting Steph to point out that this obviously sounds like a PARTY of some sort. Sophie will be adding prosecco and cake ambush next!

Sophie denies that this has anything to do with a party – she just wants the “experience” to be “exciting”, at which point Nick’s emboldened and chucks in some glitter.

I just love how he asks to “revisit the glitter”. A portable fridge and glass holders are added, before irony strikes and a karaoke machine is stuck on board.

Definitely not a party.

Meanwhile Kathryn and Akshay tone down and simplify their design to make it less obviously like a party. Heh.

On Infinity Harpreet designs the interior (complete with ipads and headphones) mainly because Akeem simply accepts everything she says whilst Tim seethes and shakes his head in the background.  

Even Tom the designer looks a bit disgusted.

Meanwhile Brittany has added sunflowers and more bees to the exterior. It looks like Fat Freddie’s Mystery Machine. I like it.

Tim’s not impressed. He likes everything to be literal.

And has never heard of Autumn.

What’s he got against bees.

Akeem manages to hide his disappointment at the lack of modernism and focus on the positives on the big reveal, “[PAUSE] yeah …it looks very eco-friendly”.

He adds that a corporate client might be confused by the outside, which Brittany still argues is due to her not knowing how many units the client wanted and therefore she went for something desirable to mass numbers. Again how does that impact design – surely you would want that appear anyhow?

In private Akeem admits he wanted something simpler and more versatile. This is the closest he gets to moaning.

Across town and the Star Pod is revealed

and I’m here for Akshay’s expression of disgusted betrayal when he sees the interior.

Kathryn explains that it looks a lot like a party, but Sophie waffles on about maybe in “normal life” but they can pitch this differently to different client types. Sophie sends Stephanie and Kathryn to prepare for the launch whilst she Nick and Akshay go to pitch to corporate.

Stephanie explains their dilemma with the “definitely not a party pod” – using the word “party” at least 8 times in the process of trying to “untangle” the concept for clients.

“Steph came out with all this STUFF” laughs Kathryn – acknowledging that neither of them understands Sophie’s “vision”. Stephanie thinks if they manage to sell it won’t be down to Sophie’s “leadership skills”.

Akeem picks Aaron to pitch until the team disagree and he sends Aaron and Harpreet to the corporate client and takes Brittany with him to work on the launch event, where there’s more dithery nonsense over who’s going to close the speaking before they dress up as the traffic version of a Safe Sex instruction video.

Sophie, Akshay and Nick show the NEC round Star Pod, with Nick very keen to draw their attention to the pink bench and karaoke machine whilst Akshay noticeably broods in the background. Nick claims they’re catering to the “VERY SERIOUS adult demographic” as well as to families. NEC lady is unimpressed.

She points out it feels more like a hen party and her colleague suggests the pod is too niche and they’d only order one or two. Nick tries to play nasty cop again

and somehow manages to argue them up to 5 rentals at £6k per month for 6 months.  Karren points out the client had a million quid to spend on up to thirty – come on woman let Nick enjoy his (sort of) deal.

Over at the BeePure corporate client meet and already they’re asking awkward questions.

Aaron steps in and says there will be branding to say it’s a taxi added. Because you can always fix it in post.

The other issue is the confusion between the exterior and more formal interior, so they offer to take only 4 at £6k each, but Harpreet haggles it up ever so slightly to £6.5k and then complains they could have done far more.

So neither team managed to satisfy the client they were supposedly designing for.

At the launch venue the latest hot light entertainment double act is storming it.

You know what would be better than riding like a star. It all being sustainable. Wowzers just imagine that eh? The glamour!

“That would be INCREDIBLE!” shrieks Nick and I love the long deathly silence from the audience as the Star Pod is revealed.

Broken only by the flinches as a confetti cannon pops sending coloured paper flying past their bored faces.

Akeem dons a special hat for the BeePure launch.

Sadly his audience largely can’t see it as he talks from INSIDE the pod waxing lyrical about how easy the seats are to clean – because obviously they’ll need to know they can get vomit, jizz and blood off them on a regular basis.

Eventually he pops out and continues speaking with his back to the audience like a pro.

Luckily Brittany’s there to get over-excited and wake them up at the end (whilst Akeem plays with one of the ipads STILL with his back to the audience).

It’s time to sell, and surprisingly Harpreet is struggling with Manchester Central (I would have thought the bee logo would work). It’s sad she feels the need to prostitute herself though.

She does manage to get an order for 12 pods at £5k each from the rather tight Manchester Central bloke and his witch companion which she guestimates at being £320k.

Unfortunately she realises she’s got her sums wrong leading to this somewhat undignified attempt at grovelling whereupon she’s forced to split the difference and take £340k.

Bad maths is expensive kids!

Kathryn and Stephanie try to negotiate with the impressively formidable Network Rail representative who hates everything about the Starpod. Kathryn asks if she’d be interested in taking it as a trial, but it’s a no.

Meanwhile Akeem tries to pitch to the boss of Urban Airways who is clearly so rich his kids don’t have lunchboxes but Food Trucks!

Brittany gives it her best go, but gets no orders and is gutted.

Nick asks the HS2 rep if they have any questions only to be told the product “Screams a little Las Vegas strip”. Actually they could be talking about Nick’s outfit.

He’s reduced to tragic, unsuccessful begging. No sales for Nick.

Back in the boardroom and Sugar quizzes Akeem as to whether he asked Wembley how many pods they would be looking to purchase.

It’s almost like Akeem doesn’t realise this is an error – but he’s let off the hook as Diverse didn’t ask that either.

“What’s with the bees?” Sugar asks Brittany who eulogises how bees are imperative to the planet and eco systems only for Lord Sugar to compare them to some wax that smells of fanny.

I think bees deserve better.

Sugar eyes up the design dismissing it as “the Teletubbies tour bus”.

Akeem gets some stick for changing his mind when challenged, but Akeem points out he knows how to listen.

Over to Diverse and Sugar asks Sophie what we all want to know.

She waffles on about her pashun for interior design. But we all know why. Akshay does.

She then accuses Akshay’s branding as “basic” and eyerolls her way through Kathryn’s explanation for the reasoning behind making the design more neutral. “Then it would have been tacky” she snaps when Akshay says it was originally louder. Which kind of lands her in it. She also claims her hands were tied by the branding team’s colours and is horrified when Kathryn points out the truth that the colours were literally Sophie’s Choice. “It was your vision” laughs Akshay as Sophie’s world begins to crumble.

Sugar’s assessment is it looks like a “pimpmobile”. He looks like he’d know. He later compares the interior to a “Giant Mouth”. It might be niche but take out the karaoke and I bet you’d find some clients who would pay good money to ride in it.

Anyhow the results are in and Infinity took £156k from the corporate client but made just over a million in other sales.

Diverse took £180k from their client but only made £355k in other sales.

Total investment in Infinity was £1m 260k – every single last bit Brittany and Harpreet will now attempt to take credit for. Infinity get sent to Lea Valley for some White-Water Rafting. Diverse huddle in the Sad café.

“I wanted something classy!” wails Sophie.

Love you put a karaoke machine in it!

Kathryn’s got to the point with Sophie’s fibbing about what was said that she’s checking her receipts by going through her notepad.

Back in the boardroom and Sophie gripes about the exterior letting her down, but Sugar reveals the NEC didn’t like the interior either. “You wanted to be told everything” Sophie whines at her branding team, missing the point of being Project Manager.

Stephanie puts the long-awaited boot in.

As Sophie chooses to bring back the branding team,

but switches at the last minute to bring Akshay and Nick. Sophie claims nobody supported her.

Nobody supports this. She claims Akshay wanted to drive her down the party rabbit hole.

Sugar sums up that the branding may have been bad but only because the vision kept changing and Sophie is fired, leaving without so much as a thank you.

There’s a brief moment when it looks like Nick might get fired too, but he and Akshay get sent back to the house.

In the taxi of despair Sophie humourlessly vows to concentrate on her cocktail bar and expanding. I’d be marking levels on the bottles just in case bartenders. So farewell Sophie – queen of the eyeroll and source of conflict.

Next time continuing with the over-lapping task themes, we are still on bloody cars with the teams having to put together a motor racing themed corporate away day.

Liking: Akeem, Harpreet

Most In it to Win It: Stephanie

Entertained by: Nick

Warming to: Akshay, Kathryn

Meh: Brittany, Aaron

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid, Alex, Francesca, Amy, Sophie

The Apprentice S16 ep6: Dai Hard

Week 6 and as per last week’s pre-emptive Sugar Raid the candidates are inflicted on the Welsh Tourist Industry to provide bespoke tour experiences to set back Anglo-Cymru relations centuries. Sending this lot in is sure to burn a few cottages – sorry bridges.

The teams gather at the surprisingly small tables of hulking, gorgeous Penryn Castle. I love Akeem’s genuine enthusiasm for all things historical in this episode.

Harpreet asks Infinity (Kathryn, Akeem, Amy & Aaron – although at this stage it’s hard to remember/care which team is which) that age old question.

Met with the usual tumbleweed.

Eventually Amy speaks, but it’s only to excuse herself from Project Managing as the task doesn’t align with her Chakras as she’s never done any tourism – although later when she’s angling to get on the sales team she’s singing a different tune.

We need a volunteer for PM

10 minutes later. We need a volunteer for sales team

Come to think of it Aaron was a bit silent when asked if he had any tourism skills, but to get on the sales team he reveals that he used to be a holiday rep. If only that had any connection to tourism eh?

We need a volunteer for PM with tourism experience

10 minutes later….

So it’s let to Kathryn who’s only done corporate events to volunteer with Amy doing her usual Kingmaker thing to avoid any responsibility (“It sounds like you have the most pertinent experience” – hmmm).

Meanwhile on Diverse (with Nick, Akshay, Sophie and Brittany) Stephanie is a shoo in for PM with her experience in hospitality (Cocktail bar Sophie stays mysteriously quiet. They plump for a Highland Railway Tour with Whisky Tasting (momentarily I wonder if they’ve picked the wrong UK country but it turns out there is Welsh Whisky). Brittany worries that they will need to learn historical information to lead such a tour (to be honest isn’t that necessary with any tour?) but Stephanie has faith in her “photographic memory”. She puts Sophie and Akshay on sales and they argue about price with Nick wanting to go for £80, but Stephanie arguing people will be more likely to demand refunds if the tour is shit. Nick makes the good point that it includes a 2–3-hour train journey AND whisky “masterclass” (god knows what the train journey alone would cost nowadays), and the boys are confident about selling tickets for £80, but Stephanie won’t be budged from £75 or £65 if they struggle to sell.

Kathryn goes for the deep slate mine tour with a zip line experience chucked in. Literally nobody makes any suggestions about price so Kathryn, not knowing the area or wanting to be too greedy suggests £75. Which the rest of the team then think is too low, although Harpreet’s not convinced sub-team leader Amy or Aaron have quite the sales skills they’ve bigged themselves up as having.  She checks they understand the pricing and they’re all “Yeah no probs”.

What could go wrong?

At Llandudno pier we find out as Aaron tries to quietly talk to punters passing their frankly uninspiring stall only to be overwhelmed & his potential customers frightened off by Amy near-continuously shouting random buzzwords through a wheezy megaphone at Joe Public. I taught in Cusco a few years back and on festival days they had this guy wheeling round a cart of toblerones whilst intoning non-stop through his loudhailer “Chocolates. Triangular Chocolates!”. Amy has his energy.

They don’t even mention the zip wire so “Come inquire about a quarry” would only be of interest to serial killers or people looking to film low budget sci fi shows surely?

I love that Amy fails to grasp that her technique might be alienating people and ploughs on regardless. “Are you interested?” She rictus smiles hopefully, “No thank you” comes the astoundingly polite response.

The tour sub-teams head off to negotiate with the attractions. Harpreet advises Kathryn not to insult or offend the bloke at the Llechwedd Slate Mine (When the announcer said the name I assumed he was clearing out some phlegm), so when he says the retail price is £85 (to have the crap scared out of you both aerially and subteranially) she jumps in asking what would he say a £40 offer.

Shaun the angry balding attraction manager who looks a bit like a Dr Who Sontaran pulling a face you normally see on Question Time shouting “Brexit Means Brexit” says “I’d ask you to walk down those steps stop insulting me and come back up”.

Shaun went into tourism cos he’s a people person

Brutal. He intimidates Kathryn into agreeing to pay £62 per tour.

Karren (dressed like she’s auditioning as a stunt Melania Trump) sneers in the background at Kathryn’s wimpishness, but to be fair I’d want to get away from Shaun as fast as I could (sorry Shaun you’re probably lovely).

Anyhow the upshot is they have to charge higher for tickets. Much to the horror of crack sales team Amy and Aaron. Forced to admit they haven’t sold any tickets yet. Aaron agrees to push £85 “but to be realistic with you it’s going to be really unrealistic”.

Over at the Snowdonia Highland railway and Steph gets a bonus when the manager says she normally prices at £55 per ticket, whereupon Nick plays (kind of flaky) bad cop suggesting the numbers are well above what they expected and Steph manages to haggle it down to £47.50. Nick’s still not satisfied, he’s tasted blood and wants more. On their sales team, Sophie is frankly overachieving today. She even smiles. Occasionally. Well she’s outdoing Akshay who manages to fall for an Italian bloke taking the piss as a possible lead, just so he can test out his somewhat limited Italian on him.  Straight up the guy admits that tomorrow he’s in Hereford (I misheard this as “tomorrow I’m an elephant”, but either way he’s not getting on a zip wire),

The world’s most random Italian man. There is a lot of competition.

but Akshay perseveres fruitlessly and I’m a big fan of Sophie’s dramatic turn and gasp as he starts chatting with Italian bloke about whisky.

Sophie’s Internal Monologue: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Needless to say Sophie gives Akshay a dressing down for timewasting.

Both teams end up dropping prices to £70 each, which is a lot less costly to Diverse. Although when they’re forced to hawk unsold tickets round local businesses Akshay can’t take no for an answer on trying to argue them up from £50 to £70, until Sophie jumps in quickly to accept £67.50 and Akshay gets another telling off and a Sophie face of disgust (hard to differentiate from usual).

Sophie’s resting FUCK YOU face

At the slate mine and Akeem is showing nerdish delight at learning as much as possible about every aspect of the tour, including how fast the zip wire is (40mph) although I think he may regret knowing that.

Akeem agrees to run the deep mine tour as he finds it interesting, interrupting Kat and Harpreet’s discussion of their side of the tour to wax lyrical about the chains where the miners used to hang (it’s not a themed bar sadly but actual chains stuck in the rock – grim) and the “even more thrilling” detonator area, whilst the girls roll their eyes and try to ignore him.

Shut up Akeem – if Shaun hears this he’s going to call Prevent on us!

As a fellow nerd I will protect Akeem with my life.

Celeb fans may also be impressed to learn that The Shane Ritchie has been on the zip wire.

Over on Diverse, Steph is for some bizarre reason throwing in a watercolour class for her train bound alcoholics. Brittany quizzes the artist for interesting stories to tell their tour-goers and he launches into a frankly baffling Welsh place-name pronunciation lesson.

The reason Johanne Sebastian couldn’t get a shag in Wales

I like to think he’s swearing at them. He’ll be in the pub later “Yeah I called them all Cnichts!”

Steph gets obsessed by people getting enough time to paint a watercolour (which takes fricking ages) and wants to reduce the whisky tasting time, which Nick and Brittany rightly call her out on. Literally everyone will be there for free booze surely?

Next day Amy breaks the “amazing news” to Kathryn that they sold all the tickets. “Yay! At £85?” asks Kat. Er.

Still at least they have plenty of people to sell cheese to. It’s not as tenuous a link as you’d think as according to https://www.zipworld.co.uk/adventure/deep-mine-tour Llechwedd Cheese is actually matured in the mine caverns. See I could do this shit.

Kathryn insists Amy and Aaron push the cheese hard. I really want them to do this.

Stephanie asks Sophie to lead the whisky tasting due to her bar work. Nick tries to muscle in, mansplaining how to negotiate commission on whisky sales, but gets a slap down from Stephanie who backs Sophie’s experience.

Stephanie’s bright idea is a “tip jar” to shake at punters after the tour experiences. It sounds kind of undignified and I’m a big fan of Stephanie’s lack of shame.

At the Slate Mine and nice to see Infinity have my childish enthusiasm for a wave.

 The tour bus unloads and Kathryn’s bouncing round like a Red Coat on Sunny Delight.

On towards the zip line where Kathryn unleashes their killer fact.

I think they’re impressed.

International Body Language for “Shane who?”

Everyone gets chucked out into the void on the zip wire – even Karren has a go.

Exhibit A

Nick the Accountant has been put in charge of providing a narrative for the Train tour, taking every effort to point out the most exciting aspects of Welsh Wales.

Such as the “beautiful agricultural views”.

The timing on this tractor is *chef’s kiss*.

(I’m going to insert a childhood anecdote so feel free to skip. My nan used to take me and my brother to Wales. She was a bit overbearing & would loudly insist that we take in the “beautiful fresh country air” regularly. One time she exclaimed this whilst winding down the window in her Ford Escort only to find a big heap of very smelly livestock poo right outside the window. It was the best bit of that holiday watching her try to wind the window up at speed whilst gagging.)

Nick gets caught in a stunningly dull and stilted monologue about the Welsh “Sheeping” industry, at which point the poor lamb becomes all self-aware and stutters out how everyone would be amazed to know that Wales have 9 million sheep “More than it’s human population”.

At this point most of the punters have happily decided that this is a parody and chuckle along. You’ve won their goodwill right there Nick!

Meanwhile the subteams try to get commission for flogging the tasting goods.

Akshay asks the Welsh Whisky guy what revenue share figures they can expect and the response is laughably hard-nosed. Surprised he made it a full integer.

Sophie says she usually gets 60% which she knows she won’t get so tries to argue for 25% at which point he offers 6% and she just adds 1 to request 7% which he accepts. Can’t help thinking if she’d gone for 18% he would have ended up higher but maybe she just didn’t even want to look at him anymore.

Meanwhile the cheese negotiations are insanely complex with Amy and Aaron somehow getting an offer of 17% if they sell 20 baskets of cheese, 15% on selling anything over 15 and 10% otherwise.

As Karren points out they’re promising to sell 20 £40 cheese hampers to 16 people. Unless this guy is on the tour they’re in trouble.

The train tourists are dragged to a field in order to paint their watercolours under Brittany’s supervision whilst Steph marches round with her stopwatch which is all very conducive to creativity.

I love that only 20 minutes were scheduled for making art – and also how it looks like Nick was taking part but hadn’t even applied a wash yet. As Tim points out Stephanie’s obsession with providing a complete customer experience is in danger of upsetting customers.

Steph extends the session by 10min, but perhaps kindly rain stops play so Brittany tells everyone to take a mental snapshot and finish painting back on the train (which they do whilst ignoring an earnest lecture on rock formations from poor Nick), adding that “maybe the rain will enhance some peoples’ paintings if they weren’t doing that good”. Ouch!

To the Mine Shaft!

Who’s the tour guide who’s going to teach everyone about the horrors of the mining industry?

You’re damn right.

I love that “a lot of death too”.

Karren complains that Akeem’s tour is too morbid (wait till someone tells her about The London Dungeon!), but having read about the Welsh mining industry (for a still unfinished novel -sigh) it’s positively feelgood compared to the full picture. Beside Akeem promised some funny stories to engage people and who couldn’t laugh at what happened to the naughty (“misbehaved” miners). Love how amusing Akeem seems to find this grim fact.

Comedy

As opposed to the tourists:

Comedy is hard

It hardly seems fair Jimmy Carr’s holocaust joke got laughs and Akeem’s funny story about abusive working practices didn’t.

Unfortunately someone asks what the miners ate and Akeem freezes with Harpreet and Kathryn rapidly improvising “I believe they liked bread!” (like they had CHOICES), “Soup!” before moving everyone swiftly onwards.

Meanwhile Amy learns just how sexual cheese is.

And to be fair her promise that the tour guests will look at cheese in a whole new way seems to be accurate. This man is going to start a cheese religion.

A surprising number of guests buy hampers, but mainly truckles, with one woman even leaving with two!

Close up on that woman’s face.

It’s not just Diverse scrounging for tips as Harpreet stands by the shop exit rattling a hardhat for change.

Sophie interrogates the whisky making lady on every aspect of the process, whilst Akshay worries another lecture is coming up when people just want the free drinks. Sophie launches in quite confidently when the tour arrives for the tasting, but is almost immediately pulled up on brand pronunciation.

She soldiers on but despite listing in detail every step of distillation she’s not exactly selling the whisky and this is her audience before even the second sample.

It’s hard to make free booze boring. Sophie manages it. They do seem to flog a few bottles to dull the pain though.

Steph’s been busy begging for tips and is not impressed Sophie refused to. She claims it was a misunderstanding but you just know Sophie wouldn’t be seen dead rattling a tip jar.

We have to leave the beautiful Welsh scenery and head to the boardroom. Diverse get away relatively unscathed apart from Sophie and Akshay being accused of going down in ticket prices “quicker than Gareth Bale” (and Sophie faintly sussing out it must be a football pun).

Sophie’s terrifying suck up laughter

There is no joy in that smile.

Poor Nick is outed as having been a figure of fun to his guests by Tim. “It was so bad it was good” Tim explains.

Nick isn’t even being sarcastic. He is amazing!

Steph sticks in the boot on Sophie only getting 7% commission and not going for tips, and it turns out she did get a £20 tip from one guest.

Sophie says there was missed communication as to when tips should be taken. Cue a Steph slam.

Do NOT fuck with Stephanie

Ouch!

On Diverse, Sugar points out that Amy has avoided the OM “spotlight like Dracula avoids sunbathing” and Amy responds in the most stereotypically American way ever.

Akeem is mocked for screaming on zip wire. Sugar points out Karren had a go and she sticks the boot in too.

I refer you all to exhibit A

Fibber!

Anyhow the proof of the cheese is in the savouring so the results are in.

Infinity spent £992 and took £1195 in tickets and cheese with no refunds given so the profit was £203

Diverse spent £760 so quite frankly got some mega bargains there. Was beardy watercolour man even really an artist or did they pick him up from outside a job centre in Bangor? They made less (£1116) but their profits were £356 so they’re sent to drink champers (Sugar teasing Akshay about finally being a winner) whilst Infinity are consigned to the sad café where the blame game commences.

Aaron quite aggressively says it’s Kat’s fault – if only she’d dropped the price to lower.

Aaron wakes up when there’s a woman to blame.

Forgetting completely the whole notion of profit margins there.

Amy calls Kat a novice negotiator – forgetting how much of a big deal at selling she’d declared herself to be.

Back in the boardroom and Karren unleashes the bombshell that scary Stuart the Mine Shafter would have dropped his price to fifty quid.

Yeah but at what cost?

Aaron gets his oar in saying Stuart obviously smelt blood and knew Kathryn couldn’t haggle, till Sugar puts him in his place.

Then Shaddup!

Unsurprisingly Kathryn brings back Aaron and Amy. Aaron reveals he sold 11 tickets, admittedly at well under the £85 asking price, so nobody’s impressed. Amy tries to claim credit for doing most of the graft and Aaron just closing her deals and his reaction is all of us.

How could you SAY that!

Lord Sugar asks Amy why he shouldn’t fire her and she claims to have a fire in her belly.

I think this seals her doom as frankly I was all up for the madness of her being forced to manage a task regardless of whether it fitted with her horoscope or not. And she is regretfully fired thanking Sugz, Karren and Tim.

Aaron’s card is apparently marked.

In the Taxi of Regret Amy’s belly fire rekindles and her usual chutzpah comes out as she insists she will win life without Lord Sugar’s help.

Sad to see her go – there aren’t enough useless “characters” in this series (after Akshay’s early promise). Even Sophie seems to be largely playing the game in this episode. And I’d have done either tour happily (apart from the zip wire. I don’t trust my stomach for heights at my age).

Next week the teams have to design driverless vehicles. I mean what could possibly go wrong?

Liking: Akeem, Harpreet

Most In it to Win It: Stephanie

Entertained by: Nick

Warming to: Akshay, Kathryn

Meh: Brittany, Sophie

Mildly simmering cauldron of masculine resentment: Aaron

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid, Alex, Francesca, Amy

The Apprentice S16 ep5: Game for a Laugh

I’ve interrupted a mammoth Ozark binge watch to bring you my recap of Week 5.

The day dawns slightly later than usual as the dirty sleep-in candidates get their summons at 5am to assemble at the Samsung Building in London’s glorious Kings Cross, where, in another digital presentation for the task, we get to meet another accursed Alan Sugar avatar. This one looks like a cross between Julian Assange and a badger.

He then switches into armoured gimp wear and flies about whilst avatar Karren is the designated driver for avatar Tim and his slightly oversized digi-head.

This goes on for fricking ever and makes zero sense – but given the task is to create a computer game with a saleable central character complete with branding and a teaser, then pitch to experts from Gaming industry pros.

Lord Sugar’s avatar bigs up his cyber credentials “You may think I’m out of the loop but I’ve been working with innovative technology for decades”. Hint – technology isn’t innovative after months nowadays & just because you’re still using unsold Amstrad email phones in your fake office it doesn’t make you Bill Gates.

Anyhow Karren mixes up the teams with Akshay, Stephanie and Sophie joining Brittany, Francesca and Nick on Diverse whilst Akeem & Harpreet join Aaron, Kathryn, Amy on Infinity.

Nick puts himself forward as he plays computer games. Silence. Brittany says she used to play games as a child so also volunteers. So there’s a vote.

Hands up who likes me!

Nobody votes for Nick.

Brittany puts her newly elected PM foot down and demands a green concept game based around saving animals as the ice caps melt. Fran worries it’s a bit childish as a concept and would put off regular gamers and Akshay thinks it could be too “worthy” but Brittany insists it’s important to educate people using up electricity on a pastime about the need to reduce global warming. I think the closest to fun most gamers would get with this would be burning the game and awarding themselves points based on how big the carbon emission was. She sends Akshay Sophie with Francesca in charge to do the branding and asks for something that will appeal to ages 10 or over with the title including words like saving or arctic.

At the Digital Design agency Fran, Akshay and Sophie brainstorm names, and given the concept is a scientist saving animals, Fran comes up with “Arctic Saviour”. Sophie thinks “Arctic Mission” would be more engaging but Akshay thinks Arctic Saviour sounds more like a game name (I think they both sounds like racehorse names), so Sophie is outvoted and sulks for the rest of the episode.

Maths

So they come up with this logo.

Are you ready to embrace your Artic Saviour

Karren spots something is missing, but when Francesca asks her subteam if the spelling is OK they all smile and nod. They seem more concerned about the spelling of saviour.

Fran insists that all scientists have an alliterative name, with Akshay suggesting “Sam the Scientist” for their character, which Francesca is about to dismiss as shit but then Sophie jumps in (yet again dismissing the others ideas as “boring”) with “Professor” ….erm… which Francesca sadly dismisses as too reminiscent of lectures before Sophie can find an alliterative word (Poohead? Plop? Phenomenology? Polar?!!). There’s no love lost here.

Next Sophie and Fran co-direct and thoroughly confuse Akshay who plays Scientist Sam. Sophie keeps demanding he shout things like “Oh there’s a penguin let me grab the penguin” (that famous not Arctic bird), but Fran wants to tone it down. They spend much of this bit shouting stuff at Akshay and undermining each other. I do enjoy a large array of thwarted Sophie faces though.

I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE

On Infinity Akeem is buzzing as a regular nerd game player and is uncontested as PM. His notion is a dystopian apocalyptic survival game – clearly a gap in the market – with fighty robots. I admit I know very little of video games, but I share a house with a gaming addict and this sounds like pretty much everything they play.

Aaron is keen to add his thoughts as like fishing he clearly considers pressing buttons and making digital people jump around on a screen to be an alpha male activity. I do worry that he seems to obsessed with a women’s prison in the future, but it does create a female central character of a wrongly convicted lady prisoner trying to break out.

Akeem immediately changes his mind and goes for the game being set in a prison in the real world. He chooses to lead the game development and asks for Aaron and Harpreet to join him, but Aaron whinges so Akeem acquiesces (“whatever works”) and brings Amy with him whilst sending Aaron to Kathryn’s subteam.

Akeem says to camera that he needs to trust his gut and instinct. Given his technique of giving in to anyone elses challenges or suggestions at the drop of a hat this isn’t going well.

Still he looks so happy in the car with his subteam. Living the dream.

Kathryn brainstorms names about a woman in prison who is wrongly convicted. Er “Prison Escape”?

Aaron lets his inner Alan Partridge free and comes up with a series of crackers. “The Stretch”?, “The Sentence”, “The Cell”, “The Wing”, “Monkey Tennis” before finally coming up with “Time” (she’s doing time geddit).

It might seem broad but hey it’s just a concept man.

It does seem that a 2-person team works better when it comes to branding decision making – and I also like how it makes Kathryn and Aaron look like they’re sharing a desk and coloured pens at primary school.

Their tame graphic designer looks less impressed.

Kill me now

Next they have to design a teaser and Kathryn becomes the official face for our prisoner, but they opt to darken her avatar’s skin tone as Aaron says you never see strong black women in games or films (maybe not enough in films, but it’s worth checking out the fantastic actresses there are – in the hope that more strong roles are created for them – I’d recommend Lupita Nyong’o’s amazing should have been Oscar nominated performances in “Us” and Zazie Beetz & Regina King in “The Harder They Fall” – both currently on Netflix for starters – but I massively digress).

They dress their Kat avatar in orange prison duds and discuss at length how much boobage should be on display (a bit but sort of pushed in?). “Who knew this game would be all about me?” Kat gushes – modest to the last. She comes up with the forename Amelia and Aaron suggests the surname Stone.

Aaron directs Kat as Amelia Stone for the teaser

“What would you do in a fight?” she asks. Aaron advises punching or elbowing. What? A women’s prison with no clawing? I’ve been seriously misled by exploitation flicks.

It goes a bit 9 and a half weeks as Aaron orders Kat to crawl on the floor, to “evade the guards”, before having her back along the wall like David Bowie in the Ashes to Ashes video.

At the Digital Animators, Brittany’s game is taking shape with a scientist character jumping across ice floes and “collecting” seals. Stephanie is unsure at how much entertainment this will provide, but Brittany highlights the success of Super Mario Bros (those well known eco warriors) and Nick thinks “simple games can be very addictive” as long as there’s “bad guys we have to shoot or punch”.

Karren asks what the animals being saved are and Brittany confidently says “seal, penguin and polar bear”. I guess if a penguin was in the Northern Hemisphere it would need help, but will NOBODY THINK OF THE LEMMINGS?!!

Akeem decides to set Infinity’s game in 2040 with the female character needing to find a key to escape whilst surviving. Amy decides to pad out the backstory with her unpublished novel about a “father and daughter who witness a bank robbery where all the employees were murdered and because there were no other customers they were the main suspects” (aside from the existence of CCTV I’m spotting another flaw in that if there were no surviving witnesses how are these people suspects eh? Answer that Amy!). She continues at some length, whilst their tame Games tech guy loses the will to live.

No kill me

I love how the only bit Akeem suggests out loud is getting rid of the father (and everything else). Amy switches to quizzing Akeem as to how his female character will have prison breaky survival skills and of course he suggests she’s a fed, who’s been framed for accessing government information.  The subteam call with the name Time and everyone worries, even Akeem, well sort of. “It’s quite simple” he murmurs, quickly adding “No that’s fine!” Bless him.

Akeem thinks on his feet and adds a countdown clock to the game (“It can’t be called time and have no time in it”). They map out the movements and Harpreet adds the idea that their character finds phones which have texts with instructions on before they perform other actions. Which Akeem of course implements, along with all Harpreet’s other ideas.

Next day Fran proudly unveils her branding and Stephanie immediately notices the missing C. “We’re supposed to be educating people” Brittany sighs. Because that’s what gamers crave. Akshay’s all for mentioning it in the pitch, but everyone else shushes him and suggests it should only come out if they’re asked about it as a typo in a prototype. I think they should pretend it was deliberate as they are concerned about the Arctic C levels.

The teaser runs and it’s particularly jarring to see real-life images of animals in the background behind Sam the Scientist (although I do like the idea that he has to avoid floating clouds of oil that would be bad for his health).

Get away from me you weirdo!

Stephanie’s not impressed with Scientist Sam’s “long white cardigan”, but Francesca peevishly corrects her (“He’s saving animals – it’s actually a lab coat – how else would you know he’s a scientist?” – I guess the real Downing Street Covid briefings didn’t reach many people is the lack of lab coats and test tubes).

The game seems fairly linear and one dimensional so Stephanie suggests they emphasise that it’s just the first level in the pitch and it will get better honest.

Infinity are happier with their branding and teaser (I have to admit Aaron’s done a pretty good job on this and Kathryn’s voiceover is definitely a bid to get a presenter role out of this gig). “Time is against me, time is now” the trailer ends, and it’s the closest I’ve ever seen branding and development align in this show, largely thanks to Akeem introducing a countdown element to the game. “It feels like a trailer for a movie” sighs Amy, positive despite her own creative urges being sidelined.

Next the game is demoed and Aaron points out that apart from Amelia Stone giving one guard a fairly lacklustre spanking there’s not much to do and without the time aspect it would be boring.

Next day the branding teams go to gather consumer feedback whilst the rest prepare pitches. On Diverse, Fran’s clutching at straws hoping most people will tell her they think there’s only one C in Arctic and therefore she can vindicate herself at the pitch.

It doesn’t work out that way.

The consumers point out it’s more important to spell it right if the game is aimed at kids. Another guy points out “Are we suggesting that to save animals we have to kill humans”. Sadly this is probably correct, but don’t tell Greta Thunberg.

Infinity do marginally better in that whilst the consumers think the game could get dull, they do get the “vague” connection between Time and “Serving Time”.

To the INFINITY sports arena. Infinity pitch first and Aaron has persuaded Kat to come out first dressed as Amelia Stone, context free and say this.

How middle class people do Shaggy

It’s all very student theatre.

Akeem leads the pitch really well mainly due to his passionate (and every so unwittingly cocky) game nerdishness (“I played Starcraft and I know what makes a damn good video game!”). “This is what a lot of gamers want” he insists.

Harpreet gets an attack of the heebie jeebies and forgets her place a few times but does the right thing and apologises for being nervous (and doesn’t just say “Forgive me” repeatedly and talk about Peppa Pig World) and gets her points across in the end.

Out of a sense of relief Akeem thanks the experts and almost does a runner off stage, but everyone hisses “QUESTIONS” at him loudly dragging him back in the nick of time – he’d have been home playing Starcraft if they hadn’t stopped him.

There’s a stupid question about Amelia being dressed like others in the game, so how do you know she’s a strong woman, which Kathryn rightly answers by pointing out Amelia is in a sodding PRISON. What do you want? Sequins?

Mark, who worked for Microsoft suggests the game is just the act of escaping so why would people want to play it repeatedly? (I would have thought games sellers would want people to buy NEW games?) Akeem says some of the best games have a single map. I do feel he misses a trick by not suggesting an online leaderboard on fastest times to complete which would bring the addictive/competitive aspect in.

Stephanie pitches for Diverse and she’s all first name terms “Hello Ian, Mark and Roberta”, going on to declare the game is “Going to disrupt the market”.

“I know what you’re thinking” she says.

Where’s the C?

“Why Arctic Saviour? Why now? Brittany will tell you”.

Over to Brittany.

She gives a lecture on melting icecaps and declares “I need your help to save arctic animals!” (I’m still not sure “collecting” them will help, but this isn’t about a game to Brittany, she’s misread the task as carte blanche to pursue a personal mission. Good intentions, terrible project management skills).

Expert Ian – who was behind Tomb Raider – asks innocently who came up with the name?

Fran is all me me me, and then he asks how she spells arctic. Oof. She explains it’s just a demo, but it still makes them look like twats with no attention to detail. Ian’s not finished though. “How many penguins are there in the arctic?” This is aimed at Akshay who is dressed as a penguin, so he should know.

Don’t ask me mate I’m just a fucking penguin

Brittany tries to fudge that the game means both Arctic and Antarctic.

Expert Mark asks how a serious topic like climate change can compete with large scale fantasy games, but Steph seems to misunderstand and answers based on the simplicity of the game which is aiming for something addictive like “Flappy Birds” (I literally had to Google to check she didn’t mean Angry Birds – I am old).

Both teams go away feeling the pitches went well, although Aaron’s already gearing himself up to blame Akeem for the entire concept (that Aaron contributed extensively to).

Boardroom time and Lord Sugar takes some time to waffle on about the history of Amstrad. Tim sucks up by claiming he had one (Surely he’s nowhere near old enough – unless Sugar gave him one to work on when he won this show way back).

Akeem gets stick for getting easily swayed but overall Sugar thinks the teaser and the character name is good. Hearing that the game is set 10 years in the future Sugar asks if Spurs or West Ham have won anything. They dropped the dystopian bit Sugar.

He’s not as keen on the game (“All you can see is her whacking people”, “I’ve seen more action in an episode of “In the Night Garden”), but again as someone who shares a home with an avid gamer it looks pretty much like every one I’ve seen them play, albeit less violent and confusing.

It’s Diverse’s turn, and Brittany goes on the offensive, stating the “market is oversaturated with things like prison games and shooting games – they’ve been done so many times”.

The SHADE.

But then the “Artic Saviour” teaser plays. And Infinity just know they’ve won this.

Sophie fibs that nobody had a chance to correct the typo as Fran showed her notepad to the designer alone. THE LIES.

The game is demoed and Brittany talks us through whilst bitching again about prison games.

Akeem bites and suggests gamers are looking for a more cinematic experience and Karren breaks them up “You have to convince the investors”.

Sugar isn’t convinced by Steph’s claim that the game is addictive, so Fran says that some of their consumers played the game for half an hour and wanted to play for longer. “Maybe they wanted to see something happen” Sugar gruffs.

Anyhow results are in and despite issues with Infinity’s game they got £20k each from the experts making £60k.

Diverse were dismissed as basic game bitches by the experts and got zilch.

“Well done” smarms Brittany. No acting awards for Brittany.

Winners are sent to play life sized monopoly. They end up in jail. “It’s only a matter of time before we escape” quips Akeem. Meanwhile Aaron bigs up his contribution stating his trailer was “compared to a blockbuster hit” (no it was compared to a film trailer).

In the Sad Café Sophie doubles down on her porkie pies about Fran not sharing the spelling with anyone else.

Back in and Karren throws shade back at Brittany’s claim that her game had a USP against prison games.

Sugar points out people watch Attenburgh for environmental issues rather than playing games. Francesca gets flack as sub team leader for letting the typo through, which kind of screws dyslexics leading teams on the show. Sophie sticks the boot in until Akshay reveals her spelling of Arctic for “Artic Mission” was the same.

Sophie then moans there was “no team collaboration” and Fran just went with her own ideas. Hang on?

Card-marked Akshay can breathe a sigh of relief as Brittany brings back Francesca and Sophie for a good old bitch fight.  Brittany thinks Sophie should go, but Francesca scores an own goal by suggesting Brittany should go because the concept was crap.

Brittany defends herself by saying at least she came with ideas despite having no experience in games (hang on – you put yourself forward) whilst Sophie intones in a little girl voice “I did put ideas forward”.

Sugar does his normal roundabout teasing before focusing on Francesca and bizarrely quoting Wordsworth at her (she is apparently a direct descendent, but still weird) before firing her.

Lord Sugar “I wandered lonely as a Nookie Bear lookalike”

So firing someone for a typo is a thing now. I’d have gone logically with Brittany for her tone-deaf concept, plus the penguins gaffe. With my heart I’d fire Sophie out of a cannon for whining, pulling faces and saying “boring” for most of the episode.

In the taxi of eternal sorrow, an upbeat Francesca assists “This is definitely not the end of Fran Kennedy Wallbank” adding “Forget William Wordsworth; Wordsworth’s done now”. In Grasmere Fran’s great great great great great grandfather turns in his grave.

Everyone else is back at the house when the doorbell rings, and I’m hoping it’s Fran come for poetic revenge, but predictably it’s Lord Sugar, who sets them the next task, as though it’s going to be halfway across the globe – but no it’s running tours in North Wales. I suppose they need to get their jabs.

So farewell Francesca, Queen of the Sea Trawlers and Psychological Colour charts. My curse of people I actually quite warmed to continues apace. Sorry Akeem.

Liking: Akeem, Harpreet

Entertained by: Amy, Nick

Actually OK if they’re not in charge: Akshay, Kathryn

Meh: Stephanie, Brittany

So Macho: Aaron

Human Equivalent of Fingernails down a Chalkboard: Sophie

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid, Alex, Francesca

The Apprentice s16 ep4: Mopy Dicks

Firstly apologies for tardiness – I missed the show itself as I was out running/MCing a gig then I had a bit of a late night and had to do a tax return after getting a thoroughly slovenly full 10 hours of sleep which is definitely a record. Excuses excuses…

Onwards with the Week 4 Action. The punishing 4am calls continue with the candidates urged to bring their overnight bag to the Greenwich Maritime Museum – you have to hope Akshay has space for his quiff curlers.

Elvis lives!

They try to guess the tenuous link. Nick suggests something watery – as he apparently downs a refreshing glass of Vodify?

Kathryn suggests a(nother) boat.

Amy feels inspired to win as she “cannot lose again” – all my motivational speeches happen whilst wrapped in a duvet and usually involve saying “never again”.

Finally we can identify with Amy

Whilst everyone’s keen to “step up”, Harpreet warns not to volunteer to lead if you’ve got no experience.

Infinity turn up at the museum looking like they’ve been infiltrated by a Steps tribute band.

Amy and Akshay missed that brief

It transpires the link is not too tenuous as maritime includes fishing.

Enthusiasm

The task is part of the team fishing for a catch of the day in Cornwall and buy other fish to order whilst the other part sell said fishies to major corporate clients. I’m thinking this sounds hard to fuck up apart from pricing and amount as fresh seafood is always amazing and then Sugar says they also have to create a recipe for the Cornish team to prepare and sell to the public at a Farmers Market. Oh that’s how you fuck it up.

Most profit wins.

The teams are balanced with Alex moved to the Binfire that is Infinity (Amy, Sophie, Steph, Kathryn and Akshay) and it’s Skipper selection time, where Amy eyes newboy Alex hungrily as the tumbleweed bounces in response to Kathryn’s “Anyone want to put themselves forward?”

Go on it’ll be fun she said

Eventually Kathryn says she will PM if nobody else wants to, but she doesn’t have any experience at which point Amy nominates Alex (“he’s done lot of massive contracts and tendering”), he points out that he has never caught or sold fish and bar lady Sophie the only one with arguably any catering experience stays noticeably quiet. Poor Alex is ensnared in Amy’s web (“I feel comfortable with you as PM Alex”) and reluctantly steps up.

Over on Dirverse dessert queen Harpreet puts herself forward, suggests pollock as the catch of the day as she eats it quite often (niche!) and plumps for a low calorie high protein lunch idea over-riding Aaron’s demands for proper traditional fish and chips as all the girls agree that more people would go for a healthier choice. Aaron looks sad. He hoped it was chips. Harpreet looks for a fishing team (“Who wants to go to Cornwall?”) and Francesca cites another of her bewildering array of skills and qualifications, along with the colour psychology and being able to smell salt, as her dad takes her on annual fishing trips and since she was young she’s been fishing and (erm) she’s done car boot sales.

Woman of a thousand skills

This is enough for her to be awarded sub team leader in charge of Nick and Aaron.

Aaron tries to laugh it off with a Dad joke.

Comedy eh?

On Infinity high maintenance Akshay wants lobster as there’s a higher profit margin, but Steph and Kathryn worry the expense and limited customer base would mean they couldn’t turn enough profit. They go for crab as Amy consults her vast notebook of trivia and suggests “There are higher quantities of crab this time of year to catch”.

Karren warns to camera that you throw away 80% of the crab you catch. Uh oh! Maybe they can sell ashtrays made from the shells?

Amy suggests a crab cake burger and Kathryn’s up for it (“Everyone loves a burger”).

Unconvincing burger love face

For some reason Alex decides to send the three people most likely to freak out at the sight of a live crab (Steph, Amy and a not very ecstatic looking Sophie) to Cornwall to fish and takes Akshay and Kathryn to pitch to the hotel. Akshay reveals he’s never had crab and asks one of life’s deepest existential (or existen-shell if you’re Aaron) questions (“Describe crab in three words).

What is this thing you humans call crab?

Kathryn and Alex come up with “fishy” and “meaty” – there is no third word for crab.

They angst about how many they will catch – now apparently doubting the ability of the team that has been sent to Cornwall to catch anything.

Harpreet decides to focus on quality for the other fish and asks Team Cornwall to pick up some Dover Sole from the fish market while they’re down there.  Alex goes for monkfish (for the profit margins) and plaice (apparently small but popular – they all appear to have been on fishipedia for this episode).

It’s off to the hotels with Harpreet reminding her sub-team they can also offer the catch of the day. She negotiates with chef Chris King of the Langham Hotel, who is up for 9kg of dover sole, but says the £25 per kilo price tag is high unless the quality is perfect and it’s skinned, finned, gutted, de-roed and de-gilled, which Harpreet promises it will be. Uh oh.  I stan how Harpreet spells fins though.

This is how I take notes too.

She also flogs 10kg of pollock at what seems like a ludicrously cheap £8.50 per kilo and chef King rubs his hands together in glee.

Muwahahaha! I mean cool yeah!

At the Biltmore hotel Alex’s £25.50 per kilo for monkfish is apparently about right (it’s what Morrisons charge but I don’t know how freshly caught theirs is) & they go for 9kg. They also ask for 10kg of PLAICE as 20 individual fish. Let’s see who remembers that later. The price is driven down with Alex apparently confusedly thinking that in season fish are more expensive. They eventually get diddled by the chef and settle on £7.50per kg “as long as the prep’s ok” (uh oh”). Total bargain! I’d fill my freezer.

As they troop out all happy with themselves Karren points out something kind of important.

Karren LOVING it

They have forgotten to offer crab as the catch of the day. Something Kathryn unhelpfully remembers moments later and Alex resists the urge to scream as the world closes in on him.

Make it all STOP!

Akshay tosses a bone suggesting the fishing team probably won’t catch enough crabs and I snigger because I am a child.

A very dim glimmer of hope? Nah!

To Cornwall. The Jewel in the Crown of England’s pirate heritage etc etc

Another task involving going South West and getting on a boat? You spoil us!

At lovely Newquay harbour the Pirates of the Carribean music plays as the fishing sub teams set sail  and I try not to think about John and Johannes glittery pirate paso and focus on the piscine bants.

Avast ye BOAT WANKERS!

(Aaron: “Don’t drown!”, Sophie “Is that the losers boat!” etc)

Infinity don’t seem so focused.

OMG!

Some Dolphins check them out and are reassured nobody in this boat is stealing their fish.

Fran would have caught these dolphins.

They haul in their crab baskets and are confronted by dozens of the angry looking beasties giving it all that with their claws.

I like to think these are also crabs names.

Their Fisherman guide instructs them to pick up the crabs and put them in the bucket. Girly squealing ensues. I’m sure Amy throws a couple over the side, she certainly nearly throws one into Sophie’s face like it’s a remake of Alien.

This crab in particular has some attitude..

“Oi mate didn’t I see you on a Prodigy Album?” “No! FACK OFF!”

– it’s giving off the same energy as Homer Simpson’s pet lobster Pinchy (when Marge looked at it).

Amy hopes the London team is selling well (“Fresh Crab from Cornwall what more can you ask for?”. Oh oh again).

I have to say that the Diverse fishing crew has all the ingredients for an epic albeit slightly shitter recreation of the Orca scenes from Jaws, with Fran as Hooper, Nick as Brody and Aaron playing Quint – if Quint suddenly became really rubbish at fishing.

Diverse have to use rods rather than a fuck off net, which seems a lot harder than getting crabs to go into baskets, and sure enough Nick and Aaron struggle, but I am living for Fran the Fishing Queen.

Her easy success is reminiscent of when Vince Noir goes fishing in The Mighty Boosh.

Fish on indeed. I will never doubt this woman’s skills again.

Aaron looks genuinely puzzled a girl is thrashing him at fishing, and three Fran Fish On’s later his masculinity is in serious crisis.

She tries to help and he sulkily insists “I know how to fish”. “You’re not catching any though” she points out. That’s not going to help him Fran.

They’re still low on pollock guessing they only have 9kg and Fran the Queen of the Fish demands the boys push harder.

In London Infinity decide on a recipe which their subteam will have to prepare and sell. The burger is discarded due to it containing 75g of crab per burger, and they go for arancini (little rice and crab croquettes) which only have 33g. Although they are smaller than burgers, cost more and are presumably harder to make in bulk. The sub-team fail to consider any of this, so convinced they are that their crabbing colleagues will fail to deliver. Kathryn still thinks people would be more inclined to pick up a burger but Alex insists on arancini. The pre-prepared ones actually look quite nice, but there’s no consideration of the process.

Arancini – Italian for difficult to make little bastards

 They call Amy who tells them they literally have crab crawling out of their bumholes in Cornwall and Alex has to admit they didn’t offer any to the hotel. The crab recipe only needs about 25kg and Steph says they have 70kg. If they waste crab I shall be very cross. This is the point where they should switch and make nearly 100 burgers and upsell on chips, but Alex sticks with the fricking arancini and nobody argues – presumably they’re stunned the subteam caught anything. He also asks for 10kg of monkfish and Kathryn helpfully points out this should be in 20 pieces. NO THAT WAS THE PLAICE! And some plaice. I am really hoping the edit is accurate and this lot are cruising for a fiscal (or fish-cal if you’re Aaron) bruising. On the boat Steph’s mind is blown that they didn’t sell the crab.

Straight away Harpreet decides on Fish tacos and phones through the order. The recipe takes 20kg of pollock and they have 10kg more promised to the hotel. They also ask for the sole. Fran doesn’t quite mention how little pollock they’ve caught at this stage (although she admits she’s “concerned” and Alex just tells her to catch more fish), but Aaron looks haunted.

Skipper Fran steers them to a shoal of pollock where Nick and then Aaron finally catch fish, and boy don’t they furiously big up their fishing prowess (“This is a beast!”, “Good one!”) , looking disdainfully at Fran whenever she exclaims she’s also caught one.  

Stop making us feel inadequate!

Eventually they have a big basket of pollocks.

In London Harpreet’s all about adding extras on the side so people feel they are getting value for money and yells demands at Akeem and Brittany (“Soft shell tacos, red chillis, red onions – WHY ARE THERE ONLY 23 onions!”).

When life gives you 23 onions make something marginally less oniony

I love her insane culinary obsessiveness. Akeem does the maths. The recipe requires 90 tomatoes at 14p each. Where are they buying tomatoes? Fortnum and Mason? The upsell option is tortilla chips (on the side of a taco for all the double carbers out there) which Brittany is tasked with finding just so she can have something to actually do. Harpreet suggests they leave Akeem in quiet whilst she goes off and talks to herself.

This is my preferred management style

He calculates a high cost for the extras but she includes a mark-up price which the added ingredients will justify.

Akshay is all about cutting costs for Infinity, red lighting Kathryn’s desired garlic mayo and rocket in favour of plain lettuce but Alex and Kathryn think this looks too basic so mayo/rocket are in. It still looks basic and whilst they build in profit with the £7.99 price tag, there’s nothing to upsell.

Our Cornwall teams haggle with gnarled fishmongers with Nick trying to get the price for sole down to £9.75 from £13 with a bloke who looks like he could crush him with a finger.

I’m going to crush your head because I don’t like your heard

It comes down to £11.50 and Nick suggests £10.25 but the fishmongers final offer is £10.50 and as Nick starts again, fishmonger politely insists that’s it. Careful Nick or it’s the Wicker Lobster for you.

Diverse start on the tacos with Fran suggesting they work out the bulk quantities and do it all in one go, whereas Aaron disagrees (naturally) wanting to do 10 at a time and repeat and Nick backs him up.  Fran doesn’t think that’s right, but Aaron turns into a gaslighting prick (“OK you do it that way and I’ll guarantee that you’ll end up confusing yourselves”). He adds it takes an hour to make 10, and Fran works out that it will therefore take 10 hours to prepare 100 and Aaron sulkily demands they do it her way just to prove her wrong because it really hurt his balls being bested at fishing by a woman.

Don’t come crying to me…

“If things go wrong we can go back and revert it” he says confidently.

At this point she would be justified to stab him with a fish knife

On Infinity Sophie’s not sure what the lake-worth of garlic mayo is for and points out rocket is a garnish. And there’s another issue. “What are we going to upsell?” gasps Amy. 

Over the phone Akshay insists that the “upsell” is a British take on an Italian dish”. I do not think that word means what you think it means Akshay.  The subteam realise they’re talking to an idiot and Steph explains Amy means “value added products” for example chips for an extra £2 a product.

Akshay has the grace to look sheepish but Alex insists robotically that the decision has been made and tells them if they struggle to sell they can “gradually” bring the price down. This is all so laughably inept, but a shame they didn’t just go for fresh crab rolls with salad and a selection of salads/sauces as the upsell (50p extra for chilli salsa or coleslaw) – easy and fresh crab is gorgeous and doesn’t need hiding in a croquette, plus people would pay for it and you’re not wasting more than half of your catch. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!

Steph leads the Greek chorus in Cornwall (“I  feel they had some sort of breakdown in London and completely forgot why we’re here”).

The London teams try to keep their lunches down as they’re taught to prep fish for clients and plenty of blood guts and gore flow freely.

Dial a Psycho

When Alex skins a monkfish it looks like a medical documentary on the miracle of childbirth – I’m too squeamish to screengrab it. Akeem is tasked with preparing Diverse’s Dover sole and seems quite confident, even when orange goo comes out – which he identifies as the roe (“Just apply pressure and get whatevers in there out” Harpreet directs – bet Akeem never saw himself being a fish abortionist). “I trust you on the precision” Harpreet says which should be a set up for a fail but he actually does it very neatly UNTIL she panics about time and tells him to fuck the difficult gills and get moving.

Meanwhile when it comes to Infinity having to gut and skin fisk,  Kathryn conveniently fucks off home sick, with all the energy of someone heading off to Tiger Tiger.

“Yeah so ill” cough cough “I really wish I could help you skin fish but… take me to SoHO now!”

Alex & Akshay are left to do all the prep themselves, with Alex doing quality control as Akshay keeps leaving spines in the monkfish.

Some time later Karren asks Alex what time he arranged to deliver the fish with the chef. Duh duh duh!  “It was missed out unfortunately” Alex says matter of factly.

“You forgot to ask him what time he wants it?” Karren withers. NOTES TAKEN. Back to clockwatching and sighing for Karren.

In Cornwall the subteam realise to make arancini you must first make a risotto which is really time-consuming and difficult to stir in big pans without getting RSI.

Have YOU had an accident at work that makes it look like you’ve been wanking for days?

Amy sighs as she imagines “how much easier a burger would have been”. Sophie points out the key to winning is “simplicity” (if only she’d put herself forward as PM eh?).

On Diverse Fran again proves she is IRON by prepping chillis with her bare hands (I’d have suggested Aaron do this in the hope he forgot to wash his hands and went to the loo afterwards).

Do NOT try this at home

She asks Aaron to chop 25 red onions and he gives her some serious side-eye.

What did your last onion chopper die of?

Just wait till he discovers there’s ONLY 23! Nick is asked to quarter tomatoes, but appears to be massacring them. Fran speeds her way through shredding red cabbage whilst Aaron keeps stopping for an onion cry.

In London Harpreet checks Akeems fish and does give a spoonful of sugar to the earlier prepped fish (“Perfect”) even if the rushed efforts don’t get as glowing a review. There’s a few more to go and Akeem decides to “forfeit the gills and just focus on removing the bloodline” which – if it isn’t a Game of Thrones quote should be.

Harpreet decides on the time honoured quality control trick of hiding the shit fish under the good ones.

This cunning plan is scuppered as chefs aren’t stupid and chef King goes straight to the bottom (“that’s where you hide the bad stuff right?”).

Poor Akeem looks mortified as lungs, gills and blood are all discovered in the unloved fish that lurk beneath the surface and the chef asks for a discount.  Harpreet goes on a first name terms charm offensive (“I completely appreciate your feedback and take that on board CHRIS”) but he mercilessly batters the price down to £22.50 per kilo of dover sole.  I’m getting my bank card out! Not to worry as Alex and Akshay are still boxing up their fish and Karren’s gone into an eyerolling coma.

Meanwhile Diverse set up stall at Truro farmers market and they may have misplaced the salsa but not too worry as Infinity are still stirring fucking risotto before bunging it in the fridge. I mean are they even going to market on the same day?

By the time Infinity are dropping arancini into the fryer on their stall, Fran has flogged many fish tacos, although the customers are still waiting for them. Aaron says it’s 3-4 minutes to fry the fish but he seems to be making a burnt offering of some of it. Nick is also burning his tacos and the customers look bemused and saddened as the clownish chefs bumble about.

Waiting for Taco

Fortunately Fran has excellent customer service skills, nothing says sorry like er a free bottle of water.

Our customers hydration matters to us

Sophie gets fed up having to cook for Infinity and tries to nick Steph’s customer. Bitchy turf wars ensue and my money’s on Steph who hisses “That’s who I was speaking to!”. Sophie passive aggressively snaps back “You’re speaking to everyone so it’s quite difficult to speak to anyone” adding “you wouldn’t have any products to sell without me” (Steph “You wouldn’t have any SALES without me!” Oof!). Sophie huffs and puffs and petches her way through further bouts of bickering, but eventually Steph just tells Sophie to stop getting arsey.

GO TEAM!!!

To camera Sophie declares “Every single ball so far that we’ve sold has been prepared by myself”. But was it LOVINGLY prepared Sophie.

No idea what Amy’s doing by the way.

Back in London Diverse flog leftover fish with Brittany declaring “You’ll regret it if you don’t go ridiculously high as long as you don’t offend them and you don’t look like you don’t know what you’re talking about”. She promptly strolls up to a restaurant and asks for £30 per kilo which they dismiss as “an insult”.

YOU HAVE INSULTED ME, MY FAMILY & EVERY LIVING FISH

Whoops. You’d apologise at this point and ask their price and try to bring it up surely. Not Brittany she just asks for £28 at which point they tell her to brace herself as they only pay their supplier £12 per kg. Rather than negotiate Brittany says no can do and turns on her heel. Amazing.

It’s lunchtime at the Biltmore Hotel when Alex and Akshay finally deliver their fish and amazingly the chef doesn’t tell them to jog on but explains they can only push the fish at the dinner service now so the price will need to come down. He does add that the prep looks really well done, but the price is knocked down to £22.75 a kilo and they walk away with just over £300 which Alex thinks is “positive”. Can’t help feeling Harpreet’s half job well done fit the profit brief of the task better.

They hawk their remaining fish at  a cafe where Alex prices them at £12 per kilo at which point Akshay jumps in and offers the ludicrous price drop of 4 pieces for 10 each. Café guy knows an idiot when he sees one and pushes for £8 each whereas Akshay thinks he’s done a great deal by meeting them halfway at £9 which the crafty café guy accepts mock-reluctantly. Alex admits to camera that he’s “troubled” by Akshay dropping the price so suddenly but he breathes not a word to his maverick colleague who goes on to sell the plaice at £6 per kilo to some VERY happy restauranteers.

NOBODY WANTS CRAB BALLS IN TRURO. Sophie whines “we need to try and attract more people” and with just over an hour left Amy drops the price by nearly £3 to a fiver each. That’s £1 per lovingly slaved over arancini. Steph worries they went too low but reasons Amy will get the blame (“I was going to say 6 but you are the sub team leader”). They do shift some more with Amy’s selling line being “You can’t go wrong with these balls”.

Market is over and hardly any food waste with Diverse.

On Infinity though.

Waste

Boardroom time and LordSugz opts for a bit of politics (“I hope you lot haven’t overfished and started another trade war”).

Er You won get over it

He suggests that Diverse’s catch was “not too good at first”. “We were struggling” says Aaron (Fran must be thinking who’s this “we”?), but he does admit “fair play to Fran she managed to get quite a lot of pollock” (i.e. MOST of the pollock).

Stop questioning Aaron’s masculinity?

Harpreet says “we discussed the price for sole” with Sugz leaping in “When you say WE I hear you were the only negotiator” but it’s all the set up for a “sole trader” gag

We did NOT see that coming! Learn from the master, Aaron.

because Aaron can’t compete with the king of the dad joke merchants. Harpreet seems to miss this and asks her colleagues if they felt she was taking over, bless her.  Sugar suggests Akeem’s fish prep looked “like there was serial killer on loose” but Harpreet insists they “recovered the situation” and Tim grasses them up for putting the good ones on top. Brittany gets stick from Tim for insulting the restaurant owner.

It’s Infinity’s turn and Alex gets the excuse in that nobody else put themselves forward (apart from a now miraculously cured Kathryn who did so less than half heartedly). “He has extensive experience” chirps Amy. “HE CLEANS HOUSES!” retorts Lord Sugar. “He also told me about his very big contracts” purrs Amy. I bet he did! Sugar rightly surmises Alex was “done up like a kipper” but that doesn’t mean Alex’s excuse about not knowing they could offer catch of the day to the hotel (strong Boris Johnson partygate energy) will cut any ice. “SORRY?” growls Sugar and Karren reminds Alex “you forgot”.

Fran’s face of horror!!!!!

Alex “can only put my hands up” (well now you’ve been caught out that’s all you can do) and Kathryn defends him (“we all missed it”) but he was in charge.

Steph points out “the whole purpose of the task was us to go down there and catch crabs”. He heh. I am 6.

Tee hee!

Alex points out Kathryn was absent for the fish preparation, but insists he and Akshay got it done “in time, by the skin of our teeth” and Karren shoots him a death ray. “I think you should tell lord Sugar the truth” she school maams. “You didn’t HAVE a time as you didn’t arrange one”. Alex fumbles “I meant by the time I had to be out of the kitchen”. Oh this is a shocker as Sugar points out it’s common sense hotel deliveries happen in the morning.  Alex tries to earn browny points by reporting the fish prep was considered good quality by the chef. “He was a fish inspector?” barks Sugar, which in a sense the chef is – it’s therefore not funny but for some reason the idea of a “fish inspector” made me laugh.

Anyhow results time and Infinity spent £439.85 – most of which was on garlic mayo and sold £556.41 worth leaving profit of £116.56.

Predictably Diverse blew them out of the water – spending more (£549.53) but taking more (£861.95) with a profit of £312.42 and they all get sent to the London Aquarium. Harpreet’s admitted she can’t even swim so Sugar helpfully suggests it’s time to learn.

Aaron compares Fran to a Korean leader (whilst he is literally going into cage with admittedly slightly pathetic sharks) but adds generously that “she managed to get the job done so I can’t really complain” (oh but you can Aaron you can).

I’ve seen things man….

At the Sad café and there’s some weird tension between Amy and Alex with her insisting he negotiates deals and threatening to reveal all his mistakes in the boardroom should he criticise her (that is literally how the boardroom works so an empty threat).

Steph blames the recipe choice and not selling crab to the hotel, Akshay blames the arancini price drop (he can talk!) but really it’s such a non-stop disaster from the London based side of the team – as Amy points out “Amy we could say we forgot to catch the crab”.

Back in and Sugz is angered (“Is this a bladdy joke or what?”). Alex has “massive regret” but Kathryn says it’s “all our fault”.  Not mentioning the crab, the lack of upsell, the high cost of rocket and garlic mayo (both cost more than the actual crab which the fisherman charged £67 for – hang on where did the other costs come from? There was no bread or anything?).

Amy gets stick for removing Steph from selling just so she could have a go.

Sugz queries what went wrong with Alex (“Fish have their backbone removed – not you”) and Amy is blamed for dropping the arancini price. “We were there to support you” an outraged Amy cries. Alex sighs “Oh Amy you weren’t!”

YOU NEVER LOVED ME AMY!

There is a definite they’ve shagged and regret it vibe about the whole thing. “You LOVED me being PM” Alex accuses Amy, but despite it being clear she’s landed him in it he brings Akshay and Kathryn back in. “REALLY?” asks Sugar.

Back in and Alex says Sugar should fire Kathryn but she claims she was the only one who mentioned the 20 pieces of fish that nobody else remembered. It was the wrong fish though Kathryn so DON’T have a cookie for that amazing contribution. Akshay says he got a sale on the last day albeit at a massively reduced price so no cookies for Akshay either. Alex explains this with interruptions from Akshay (“hold your mouth”, “You hold YOUR mouth”).

“It sounds that you were panicking Akshay” Sugar says. “I wasn’t panicking I didn’t want another loss – we made so many losses with the crabs” Akshay “explains”.

It sounds like a Guy N Smith plot.

Available at seedier charity shops

Kat points out she championed the burger and Alex moans “You didn’t put your foot down” (erm isn’t that what the person in charge does?).

Akshay should be in it for being on the losing team 4 times and in the boardroom for 3 of those, but ultimately and unsurprisingly Alex gets the boot for not selling the catch of the day. Poor Alex – he’s gone from looking like a voice of reason to presiding over an utter shambles, but it felt like he was on sedatives for most of the task there was so little leadship and meaningful input, so fair play.

Akshay’s card is already marked so I guess his copy book is blotted now as Sugar suggests he lets people fall on their sword.

In the taxi of regret Alex wears a nice coat and comes out with dull platitudes (“Lord Sugar made a huge mistake” etc)

Back in the house everyone thinks Akshay’s gone, so when he turns up like Banquo’s ghost (one they can all see ok?) they look horrified.

Wendy I’m home

He takes it well  (“I didn’t think I’d come back – thought exactly as you guys probably did”) but is still cocky enough to fancy himself as the one guy left in the final. There’s definitely some Teflon-imbuing qualities in his quiff curlers.

Next time there’s more scary avatars as the teams design a video game in another not at all repetitively similar task scenario.

Just Crown This Queen already: Francesca

Entertained by: Amy, Nick

Warming to: Akeem, Harpreet

Chinny Reckon: Akshay

Meh:  Kathryn, Stephanie, Brittany

Tossers: Sophie, Aaron

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid, Alex

The Apprentice S16 ep 3: Feck! Drink!

Sorry this is late – it’s been a crazy week.

Week 3 dawns with 4am summons to the Mercado Metropolitano, which Akeem helpfully points out Italian food market, so of course the task is to create and brand a new non-alcoholic drink and pitch it at a launch event where they can also sell to industry pros. Because when I think of Italian cuisine I think non-alcoholic beverages.

On the way Nick is reassured by Akshay that the boys support him 100%. Not enough dammit!

“I encourage communication” announces Nick. Before going on to say this.  

Communication Skillz!

Before we get started Shama makes a little speech to announce she is leaving the process because of her rheumatoid arthritis. It’s a little sad that despite some support from the team, enough allowances haven’t been made for her to continue, but considering most of her input has been studiously ignored, maybe she’s best off out of it – she seemed too nice and normal. Anyhow LordSugz is all “Oh dear what a shame never mind” and we all move on.

Finally it’s mix up time with Harpreet, Fran & Brittany joining Alex, Aaron, Akeem and Nick – who is already the pre-ordained PM. Meanwhile Akshay and Navid join Kathryn, Sophie, Steph and Amy.

Team name time! Navid suggests “Megatron” to general apathy.

I think naming your team as though it’s a killer robot has mileage personally.

Sophie gets on my shit list by wibbling on about crystal healing and energy before suggesting “Malachite”.

Kathryn’s “Oh really that’s interesting, please shut up now” face

Everyone stifles sniggers and Akshay says it’s a nice idea but too intense & goes for “Infinity” which everyone else loves. Poor Sophie.

Hell hath no fury like a hippy scorned

Oh dear how sad etc.

Meanwhile Nick the great communicator brooks no input from the team that he has decreed shall henceforth be known as “Diverse”.

“I’ve been in and around the drinks industry my whole life” he implausibly declares. Mate, you’re an accountant. Just stop. His idea, as nobody else is allowed one is “Vodka, lime, soda” to target the health conscious” recovering alcoholic as it’s” easy to produce”. Um. Alex points out that without the key ingredient it’s just a lime soda,

but Nick is all “Trust me on it. I’ve got a vision”.

Observing from the sidelines, Madam Brady is unimpressed.

“One of THEM”

Akeem and Brittany challenge the lack of USP and Aaron worries they’re playing too safe but Nick insists he wants subtlety to be the key. Nobody may question his vision.

Communication is key when ignoring your team.

Over on Infinity Sophie reveals she runs a bar and “was going to start” (key words) creating a non-alcoholic menu. Everyone’s bowled over. Apart from the watching Tim.

Made him look up from Solitaire

Sophie’s vision is “Taste taste taste!” She suggests “spicy” and alarm bells ring, Amy suggesting “just a hint” and Kathryn plumping for “sweet and sour”.

Steph tries to say something. Kathryn helpfully finishes her sentence.

Steph “Yeah and restrictive”.. Steph has spoken.

Sophie ignores them all anyhow so spicy it is. Kathryn leads the branding subteam (Amy & Akshay).

On Diverse Nick sends Harpreet to lead the manufacturing team as a woman’s place is in the distillery, but balances things by sending all the boys with her. Alex asks if there’s leeway on a second flavour”. Nick allows that “if for some reason you struggle with creating the vodka lime soda just keep it fruity like strawberry and lime, mixed fruit”, as long as it’s “Not wacky”.

Oh..er… ok then.

It will be wacky won’t it?

Nick flanked by Brittany & Francesca promises 100% in the car to the Design agency that he will listen to their branding wisdom. Mainly because they might punch him in the bollocks otherwise.

PROTECT the balls Nick

Sophie gives Navid the task of keeping track of ingredients because he works in pharmacy. He might be skilled at checking how many mg of sedative you put in it, but not sure this makes him a flavour expert. He agrees because he’s too damn nice.

Infinity branders brainstorm beer names with Amy going for “Crafted and Spiced” which Kathryn, despite wincing furiously, actually likes.

Designer bloke wonders why he did a degree again.

Amy thinks “crafted” visuals would be a hand or one of those wooden shovel things you get in artisan delis. To be honest the word makes me think of beards and knitwear or knitted beard. So they choose to have a wooden shovel with random spices on the label without actually confirming what spices will be in the product. Amy’s all proud: “I think I lead most of that”. It looks a bit um medicinal…

On Diverse, Fran picks the name Vodify “because you’re modifying Vodka”. It’s worryingly alcoholic sounding. Nick ignores any other input and comes up with this label.

Nick is so fucking BASIC.

Fran points out it is quite boring. “We need to make it a bit smaller” Nick says. “So are we having an image on a label?” angsts Brittany. “No” says Nick and carries on directing the designer whilst Francesca mutters “OK.. yeah” in a definitely not OK way.

Read the ROOM Nick!

Brittany attempts revolution (“You’ve got this idea you’re leading with but Fran and I just don’t really get it”). “Yeah I know where you’re coming from” Nick says distractedly.

The great communicator there.

The manufacturing teams get crash course at the non-alcoholic distillery warehouse thing, where Sophie decides to add a fruity element to lift the spice taste.

Navid suggests mixing spice with grapefruit and lime, because people need the gag reflex more in their lives. He then suggests “peppermint and lime”. I mean they are terrible ideas (his pharmacy must be mental!) and roundly rejected, but he did offer them. Steph jumps in with “mixed spice and peach” which actually sounds quite quaffable and Sophie agrees.

Poor Navid is either shouted down or ignored and relegated to a spectator role throughout this task, so even the watching Tim “Nice Guy” Campbell is wishing our softly spoken Harry Potter-esque pharmacist could be more, well, alpha.

Tasting time and the girls decide they can’t taste spice but like the peach. Do they tell the branding team while there’s time? No they do not.

On Diverse, Harpreet goes flava fruitloopy with her suggestions of adding green tea, and erm orange (not noting that lime and green tea are one colour and orange is well…). “A good cocktail has a number of flavours” she insists. Alex again is the voice of reason.

Hapreet gets a bit stroppy and adds the orange, at which point everyone says it’s too sweet so she suggests adding salt.

You can tell Karren is just visualising tasting this.

Meanwhile nick finalises his label and it’s not in the least orange.

The subteam call and are vaguely non-committal about what their product actually tastes of. Alex lists the ingredients and Nick asks if it tastes like a blend of fruit. Harpreet assures him it’s definitely not fruity. It’s something though. “We don’t want orange this side” Nick warns, but Harpreet promises they will get the taste by hook or by crook tasting of vodka lime before being unceremoniously cut off.

Kathryn finally gets a call from Sophie “we’re going for a mixed spice & peach infusion” and points out the complete lack of peaches on their label (although Amy points out they have burnt orange and a peachy colour in the stripes she picked all by herself). Sophie says it’s fine: “we’ll have to go with that”. Branding team unimpressed.

Back in the lab, Sophie decides to refine recipe, asking Navid to work out big quantities. It would be helpful if they did one recipe at a time as Steph puts two identical beakers before him one with Sample A and Sample B and then blames Navid for getting confused as to which he should be adding what to. It’s like a soul-destroying variation on the shell game confidence trick.

Tim sits back chuckling as Steph pours away the contents of one Beaker and advises Navid to do Sample A, only for Sophie to confuse him by shouting out the instructions for sample B. Let the guy work! This seems to go on for ever. Steph and Sophie then take over and still fuck it up.

Meanwhile on Diverse Harpreet poses the question of the day.

Worse Covid Test ever.

Aaron reports the mix has a gingery burning sensation – maybe the teams should swop products?

Alex decides to go rogue and add 5 drops salt – Aaron gives him a you cannot be serious look but Alex is all.

Maybe he just wants to end it all

Karren rushes them for time so Harpreet goes with 5 drops of salt and then wonders if she should upgrade it to 10 drops which just ends up happening, despite Alex’s warnings and suggestion of mixing both and choosing the least erm salty which is waved off. This product may be non-alcoholic but it could kill kids.

“Does this taste like a vodka lime soda?” Harpreet asks and Aaron points out you can’t replicate vodka or you would be a powerful alchemist. “Does it taste closer than all the recipes today” she asks and Aaron agrees for a quiet life. Things that have tasted closer to vodka and lime than this probably include petrol, Dettol and Prince Andrew’s allegedly non-existent sweat (which is almost certainly as salty).

The teams have to develop an interactive app to sell the drink. Kathryn goes for a book which sounds so.zzzzzz sorry dozed off there. Akshay is the star and is initially enthusiastic until Amy barks at him to relax and look natural against the green screen. It doesn’t help.

I AM RELAXED!

They all decide he looks too stiff (madam!) and Amy is not impressed by the talent.

No pleasing some gals.

Brittany’s concept for Diverse is a bit more interesting and engaging in that it’s a face filter app that makes one (VODKA) of your side look hungover (like Barry Humphries or Pete Doherty) and the other (VODIFY) side look really fresh (unless you’re Pete Doherty I guess). Actually vodka isn’t meant to cause bad hangovers is it?

Brittany does a voiceover and Nick says patronisingly “I like how you did that and well done, BUT..”

And it’s a BIG BUT.

I wanna write the song and sing the song and act in the show!

Of course he wants to do it.

Quelle surprise.

Also Robert Smith has let himself go.

Product reveal time for Infinity & Kathryn unveils crafted and spiced, which Sophie thinks looks a bit simple and crap. Amy tries to defend it and pulls one of many wonderful hacky Amy faces that I mainly don’t have time to capture.

“IN YOUR FACE” face.

Navid worries about the lack of peaches but Kathryn puts the boot in on Sophie not actually telling them about the peach. Sophie insists that despite the packaging “the taste is going to speak volumes” (although what the volumes are we’re unsure). Time for the taste test which reveals the flavour to be mainly peach. With a bit of pepper. Nothing else. 

On Diverse Nick has gone with a can and yes it is basic but kind of elegant and reminds me of the cans of G&T I keep in my fridge for emergencies.

Just add vodka…lots of it!

It’s funny that the other team has a brown theme whereas Nick has stuck with green this week. Someone send both teams a colour chart. Do they look up at rainbows and see nothing but green and a lack of brown?

Tasting time and Fran inhales like she’s sampling a 1976 Burgandy. “ I’m getting lime..and”

How can she smell SALT?

Nick sends his manufacturing team and Sophie her branding team to do consumer research while the rest of both teams prepare for the pitch. Nobody considers mixing these teams to choose the strongest pitcher. Which is a bit unfair on Navid as Sophie and Steph sit there making him feel like a spare dick. He shyly asks Sophie if he can do the part about the ingredients and she utterly undermines him “Not everyone needs to pitch. I don’t want to put you in awkward situation”. SO WHY DID YOU BRING HIM ON YOUR PITCH PREP TEAM???

She then suggests the only elements Navid could bring is he’s male and doesn’t drink alcohol. Steph weighs in saying Navid hasn’t spoken much. Perhaps he’s just too polite to shout out when he’s being spoken over. To compound it Sophie then tells Navid WHEN he can talk.

I’m fuming on his behalf.

Nick goes full Partridge on Diverse pitch prep team suggesting his walk out music.

Nick – you’re an accountant. Not Elon Musk.

He demoes his dance moves and Francesca & Brittany collapse into helpless lolz.

He really is quite something. Not sure what yet…

Vodify consumers are not keen on taste, listing numerous issues until Harpreet responds.

THEY LITERALLY JUST HAVE!

However the packaging is considered “Stylish” even if the drink is condemned overwhelmingly as “bitter”.

Nobody likes ANYTHING about “Crafted and Spiced” though.

Don’t hold back – say what you think! Oh…

Confusingly it smells of peach and then tastes of shit. Kathryn tries to salvage something by asking if the branding looks classy and sophisticated and they say it just looks old fashioned (imagine your own Amy hacky face here).

At the launch locations both teams get consumer feedback and choose to ignore it. Standard.

Sophie decides to bring Steph and erm Amy (despite not being on the prep team) for the pitch without telling Navid first which is a tad unkind. He finally stands up for himself, timidly saying “I thought I was also doing the pitch”. Steph looks horrified at this open show of mousy insubordination, as does Amy (dammit I can only grab so many hacky faces). Navid insists he had put himself forward and Sophie bullshits her way out of it (“I totally take that on board but I do want someone that experienced the consumer feedback first hand” – so why not say that at the start of the prep?).

A broken man backs down

Oh Navid you are too pure for this process.

The teams pitch to drinks industry reps including from Oddbins, Majestic and Molsen Coors. When I say pitch they literally just do a fleeting introduction of the product and invite the audience to taste it.

For this Sophie dresses like a Virginia Bottomley tribute act.

Also what’s with the rando colour scheme of these outfits? You’re not selling Signal toothpaste or Austria! Sophie talks very. slowly. with. Punctuation and promises to take each audience member to paradise.

Nobody reports this to PREVENT

One way to sell it I guess.

So now it’s down to the teams to start selling. Diverse appear to do this individually (with Aaron shifting 100 off the blocks) whereas Infinity seem to split into groups of three based on their subteams.

Nick waffles on about how high-end his product is to a potential buyer who worries about the cost, until the bloke reveals himself as an Asda Supermarket delegate and there’s some furious backtracking and grovelling “Obviously with a company of your size we’d be willing to take that price down”).

Steph, Sophie and Amy all struggle with sales, with Amy’s branding getting repeated kickings. A stereotypical beer expert says all he can smell is peach and wonders if they got the formula all wrong. Amy defends the “initial peach scent” insisting the taste finishes with spices so that is the main flavour. Erm.

This man is being gaslit.

Beardy and his associate repeat they can’t taste spices and say the bottle too bland. Amy is all “We don’t feel the need to shout about our product” (yeah id be quiet too love) but Beardy points out it’s “not a good idea to camouflage your product” (unless it’s tampons, fungal foot powder or a Mrs Browns Boys DVD).  The customers stalk off leaving Amy to declare “They didn’t like the taste”.

Over on the other Infinity team (with assistance from Kathryn and Navid) Akshay makes sales of £1500.

Meanwhile Harpreet brazenly lies about Vodify consumer feedback to Majestic by inventing ONE imaginary consumer who loved their drink. The boys shuffle awkwardly. Majestic make their excuses and leave without buying fruity saline solution. Aaron sells another £275 worth and finally Sophie, Amy and Steph manage about £100 worth of sales.

Back in the Boardroom LordSugz quips to Nick that according to Karren he was en route to invading Poland after his dictatorial PM stint. Topical.

Nick insists that branding was the key to the task. Sugz is disdainful. “What is the purpose of branding if the thing tastes like crap?!” Erm that is EXACTLY the purpose of branding and the reason I’ve bought so many horrid things in nice shiny containers and why life is full of disappointment.

Nick’s drink making mantra is that it takes 30% liquid (all episode I’ve cringed whenever a drink is called “the liquid” it sounds so random, I mean many “liquids” are not good things. It might be bin juice. I digress. “30% Brand and 30% marketing”. (And presumably 10% bullshit).

Sugar complains there’s no vodka taste (sad Harpreet) and it looks like a sample, but he genuinely engages with the filter app and chuckles for some time when Karren points out it’s put “a little bit of sick on the side of your face”. “I look like I’ve been tasered” he quips.

There’s nary a chuckle for the Craft and Spice app it being a thumbnail of Akshay in his suit – and if he looks stiff well that’ll be cos it’s a still image, with his voiceover urging the user to have another drink (“I can guarantee you won’t get a hangover” – which as Sugar points out they won’t because they’ll be in a coma instead). The product itself gets a bashing with Sugar noting the comeback for accursed brown products.

See to me – comparing it to HP makes it more appetising

Scores time and looks like Asda liked Nicks grovelling as Diverse get 10675 orders mainly from one major player) and get sent to make cocktails and gloat. Infinity got 2502 and troop off to the Sad Cafe.

Navid does the maths and works out Sophie and Steph, after spending most of the task moaning at him only got 4% of Infinity’s sales (Amy got SFA) so…

I found him. Can I keep him?

I like sassy Navid.

Back in the boardroom and Sophie’s blaming Steph for adding peach but trying to dodge the blame for not keeping the branding team informed the brief changed.  Kathryn defends the packaging as classy and Karren drips disdain (“you think that’s classy” – Karren she thought BIJOU was classy!) but Kathryn invents a scenario where if she’d done bright colours Sophie would have called it “tacky”. Amy blames the “artificial taste of peach” and Sophie blames erm the top seller Akshay for doing “zero percent” (he didn’t even take my direction adds Amy bitterly), before moving onto the easier target of Navid bringing in Steph to back her up. Navid insists the sales from his subteam came from the group, and Akshay asks Sophie pointedly how much she sold, but she still brings them back. Amy dodged a boardroom bullet there.

Sophie straight up lies and says Navid gave no ingredient suggestions. Erm.

She insists she wouldn’t give Navid a job at her bar but that’s OK cos he wouldn’t give her a job at his pharmacy so ner!

Sophie resorts to hearsay (“the girls said he didn’t lead in sales pitches”) until Sugar forces her to admit she wasn’t actually there. Summing up he says it’s a travesty she lost as she works in a bar and she pulls some very slappable faces.

It’s the face equivalent of nails down a chalkboard to me

However, given his critique of Sophie using hearsay he uses the same to fire (with regret) Navid (“You say no-one listens to you – there’s gotta be a reason there. No smoke without fire” – or maybe it’s hard to be heard by a bunch of venal shitclowns?). So that’s two people I quite liked gone this week. I am quite the curse.

Akshay’s card marked, and Sophie’s pulled up for listening to what others tell her.

In the Taxi of Regret, Nav  is quite positive, and 100% Sugar will see his name one day (hopefully not in an article about a chemist accidentally overdosing his client base) and confidently says.

OK RRRRRRR!

God love him.

Steph calls it back at the house. The wrong candidate(s) left.

No shit!

Next week the contestants catch crabs. That is all.

In It To Win It: Francesca, Alex

Entertained by: Amy, Aaron

Confused/Amused by: Nick

Warming to: Brittany

Chinny Reckon: Akeem, Akshay, Harpreet

Meh: Kathryn

Going right off: Stephanie, Sophie

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid

The Apprentice S16 ep 2: Nil by Mouth

Week 2 dawns with our 15 remaining candidates summoned to London’s Eastman Dental institute, where for once there’s a none tenuous link to the task

Nothing gets past Harpreet.

Lord Sugar can’t be arsed turning off so we get his virtual Tooth Fairy Avatar looking strangely like Ralph Fiennes in 20 years’ time.

Also I am very childish picking this screenshot.

Anyhow this demonstrates an app which rewards children for brushing with piles of money thus perpetuating another mafiosi style racket – of course all the candidates miss that it’s giving them a very simple formula to fulfil the remit of the task – where they have to create an “all singing and dancing toothbrush” with an app aimed at children between 6 and 8 to encourage them to brush their pearlies & pitch it to toothcare experts & a high street chain.

I’m saddened that the show appears to have abandoned wanky team names – unless they happen when the current teams mix. On current form I’d choose Coprophilia for the boys & Femicide for the girls.

Poor Shama is emerging as our sidelined Cassandra of this series, as she puts herself forward to lead Femicide based on running a childcare nursery and actively working with children, but she’s gazumped by scarily ambitious Francesca – and her all-powerful maths degree from Loughborough Uni (oh and some work for an Oral Care company – which doesn’t seem to have anything to do with actual oral care). It’s put to the vote and everyone else thinks Francesca talks a great game. Shama looks sad.

Aaron has many children who he fails to get to brush their teeth. He describes it as a “nightmare”. This qualifies him to lead Coprophilia.

Conor suggests a wizard doing magic with the toothbrush as the wand (which I actually think is a great idea if there are proper spells and spell noises/flashes on the app and some sort of reward for success). Navid, who I always suspected I would warm to (sucker for a nerd) asks if it should be “gender neutral” and Aaron agrees they don’t need to gender a wizard with a wand just doing their spell thang. I mean it’s not a warlock, it should be ok right.

Francesca’s sold on a space theme with sustainable cardboard packaging and absolutely NO rockets on the brush (sorry Brittany) – just bright unisex colours. She’s come up with the idea of an app where a child creates their own planet (I mean I doubt in the Christian creation story God actually managed this during some personal grooming, but I’m not go-get-em like Francesca). Sophie worries that Francesca is just forwarding her own ideas and ignoring everyone else’s, but tries to make the point that the app also needs to educate kids how to brush their teeth.

Aaron puts Conor in charge of the app sub-team (Nick, Akeem, Akshay) based on Conor’s self-alleged app expertise with the remit to focus on magic and not to GO ROGUE. So straight away in the car Conor insists they have to just do a male character as there isn’t time to do a female too cos you’d have to take a rib from the male one and wait overnight or something – oh just TESTOSTERONE OK!

He tries to come up with alliterative wizard names. “Willy?” (fucking obviously), “Wilfred?” (I suppose the Prime Minister’s magical disappearing child could be a wizard) – before settling on “Whiffy” (I actually know some kids who would find this funny – but kids don’t buy their own toothbrushes so oops). The point of the app will be Whiffy defending a castle from dragons by firing plaque at them or something.

Meanwhile Francesca puts Amy, Kathryn and Brittany on branding – consigning Shama to the app team even though she points out she brands her own nursery company, but Francesca’s not listening. “Team” she tells everyone “Stands for everyone achieves more when we stand together”. She can’t spell.

Over on design for “Wizardybrush “, Aaron insists that wands are brown and that the magic flash at the top should be green. Are we seeing a trend here?

Poor Navid suggestions (wizards hat, magical objects/images on the wand) are all waved away magically by Aaron who insists that “All the wands out there are not attractive”, but Navid’s not sure people will want to buy a brown toothbrush.

Over in Salisbury the Coprophilia app sub-team work on the Whiffy the wizard app with the USP being that the teeth go from yellow to white as the kid brushes and at the end the app tells you you can now do a spell and erm that’s it. At least it does include the right way to brush in simple messages. It’s time to design the wizard and I thought Nick was rubbish at creative stuff, but Conor’s next level as his idea of a wizard is an aspirational character with a hat. Even Nick feels safe to comment it “doesn’t look like a wizard “– at least it doesn’t look like a shit (but it would match the brush if it did).

I do like Akshay’s insistence that wizards are famed salad dodgers. We live and learn.

On the Femicide Design and Branding team for “Brushing Star” – despite Francesca having insisted on a plain brush – subteam leader Amy and partner in crime Kathryn decide to go rogue adding stars, rockets with “fire coming out”, shooting stars and sparkle, hundreds and thousands and hot fudge topping. It’s glorious. Every idea is welcomed by Amy with a beatific smile so it’s lovely to even see Brittany get involved in this act of open creative rebellion. Amy states to camera she thinks Francesca will be over the moon they’ve added “a little zhoosh”.

Will she bollocks. They decide to keep the packaging real by doing it like something you’d see stuck on a fridge with a crayon like name scribble and doodle of a smiling tooth. Amy insists it’s not babyish despite her team’s concern and Kathryn keeps pointing out she doesn’t have kids so has no idea what they’d like – I mean it’s not like she’s ever been one.

Not so simple is the Femicide app overseen by Francesca who starts waffling about 4 blocks representing each part of the mouth and successful brushing enabling you to add a bowling alley or a trampoline and I’m just completely lost as to why. Their character is a tooth/skeleton creature which is the stuff of nightmares. HP Lovecraft eat your heart out.

Big Branding Reveal Time.

On Femicide Amy insists she followed Francesca’s “Brief to a T”

To a T-Rex?

but Stephanie, Harpreet and Francesca worry the “Brushing star” branding and product is babyish and Shama is all “I told you so-I should have been on branding”. However nobody apart from Francesca understands their app – which she insists desperately is a “very simple concept”.

Team Coprophilia are disturbingly pleased with themselves.

Apart from Nick who thinks the brush/wand looks a bit “loggy” (he should know). Aaron’s annoyed by the app which is not smashing the patriarchy any soon.

Anyhow – brown/green again – I love me a tree but what the fuck is wrong with these guys after last week?

I mean this is all a bit disturbed.

Anyhow pitch time and Francesca sidelines Shama (again) insisting she speaks to lots of kids so would be ideal on consumer feedback. Aaron does the same with Navid.

Feedback time and I absolutely love this tiny reclining child reincarnation of Diego Maradona talking about “Brushing Star”.

The girls product also gets slammed for the dull app which doesn’t explain how to brush. “WizardyBrush” fares little better with most kids being turned off by the brown wand and finding the app boring. The teacher who is sent to chaperone the boys asks who would ask their parents would buy it. One little boy puts his hand up. “Savage” mutters Akshay, but Nick points out that as there’s only two boys in the focus group that’s 50% of the target audience. He is actually serious!!!

Shama brings the feedback er back and Francesca won’t let her anywhere near the pitches. Whereas Aaron likes Nick’s positive interpretation of 50% approval rating from 2 children so he’s onboard for pitch 2.

There’s mostly eyerolls from the experts for all the pitches.

Let’s consider this the default reaction to all the pitches

Perhaps more-so for the boys from the healthcare experts when Aaron tells them how cool his wand is. The colour is queried and Aaron cites his children who are “interested in the famous wizard we know highly about”. What is going on – are we not allowed to mention fictional character Harry Potter anymore? I mean whatever you think about the author – surely the character is OK (not that I’ve ever read any, but I’m led to believe the books were popular with children and semi-adults)? Conor demos the app and the experts bemoan wasting two minutes of their life on something so dull – but he insists it’s not an X-Box game just a way to “turn a mundane task into something magical” (because kids can’t do drugs).

Femicide pitch to the oral healthcare experts, with Francesca winding me up with a “Put your hands up if” routine to establish who of the experts have kids (they all do) and who then struggle to get their kids to brush their teeth (all – because kids are fucking anarchists – EVERYONE struggles with them). They still do a good job of selling the plus points of “Brushing Star” (“gender neutral”, “Primary colours”) and when an expert asks how kids will continue to be engaged by the app giving them the same buildings (as though getting them in the first place was engaging) Harpreet suggests “the amenities change” each time you brush. I’m sure they’re all winging it as Francesca basically agrees to tweak everything when the experts worry the product looks too young, but I have to say “We are willing to design and work with you” is a killer get-out.

Amy pitches to Superdrug, but the expert worries that the evil alien tooth app character is “too scary”. Francesca’s straight in there “We will aim to redesign so it looks more like the one on the packaging”. Expert worries about the lack of guidance on brushing teeth and Stephanie’s on the case “This is a prototype – things can change”.

Time for Superdrug to meet Mr Whiffy and Superdrug man says what we’ve all been thinking.

He asks if Aaron would change the colour, but the PM refuses to see sense.

Nick comes in with his statto facts “These colours were described as cool by the target demographic” (oh no they weren’t) and Superdrug pick up that the target was boys. “Why alienate half your audience?” they ask and Conor waffles about creating a female character for the boys’ sisters. Oh Conor….

So it’s Boardroom time. Amy waxes lyrical about how lovely it was they all had “the same vision” but Francesca moans that she just wanted plain orange, until LordSugz points out that would be boring (“like Donald Trump’s face” – so not boring, just unpleasant). Karren demoes the app in a frankly pornographic manner.

Sugar thinks the music is “a bit racy” (at least it’s not “Waka-waka” guitar Sugz) and the app is incomprehensible.

Coprophilia’s turn and Aaron insists “Harry Potter has a brown wand” in defence of the toothbrush Sugar suggests “came from Uranus” (or Bimhole if you grew up watching Not The Nine O’Clock News). Navid timidly says he wanted more colour and Aaron straight out says that didn’t happen. He lies! Tim finally pipes up pointing out nobody thought of the connotations of the colour and the name “Whiffy”, and when challenged Nick straight out admits he didn’t know there were “negative connotations” so he supported the name.

Anyhow it’s results time and the boys got zilch, nada, zero orders from anybody, whereas the girls got 1000 orders from the oral healthcare professionals and 10000 from Superdrug. They don’t rub it in much.

So you just know that when they go for their afternoon treat Francesca is going to be a bit unbearable and sure enough she smugs up about her amazing “leadership skills” even though what won that challenge was likely Amy encouraging everyone to ignore the brief and go maverick on the glitter, sprinkles and rockets with fire coming out of their bum.

Conor does a face like Beaker from the muppets at the bad news and the boys are off to Sad Café to play the blame game. Back in the Boardroom LordSugz does his pissed off act at the “piece of crap” the boys produced. Aaron tries foolishly to minimise his blame saying “I’ve never done anything like this before” but Sugar points out if “you’ve got not bloody clue don’t put yourself forward”.

“Not one of you said that’s a turd” bemoans our beknighted Nookie Bear, before trying to bully Navid into saying he wouldn’t stock it in his pharmacy (which eventually the ever-polite Navid confesses he wouldn’t based on the kids’ feedback). Alex lays into Navid (“You were so behind it’s like you were not even present”) and Aaron joins in (“You could have helped us out there mate”) even though Navid was the only voice of contention on the wand colour the edit showed us.

Aaron’s fuming at his app team (“I wanted spells and a gender-neutral wizard”), but Akshay retorts “You said wizards and magic” (actually he said the other things), but Conor’s insistence that his focus on boys was due to the “value of sticking to the plan”. Karren says it’s possible to create a gender-neutral wizard (it really is) and Conor uncomprehendingly says he’ll have to take that “on the chin”.

Aaron then accuses Nick of being “completely absent” (to be fair he was), but Nick brings up his great success of working out that 1 out of 2 is 50%. It’s to no avail as, despite his protestations, Nick is bought back to the boardroom along with Conor.

It’s still Aaron who is in most trouble for refusing to consider a colour change suggested by a client (“I would lose any credibility if I went back on it” – oh Aaron – the sin of pride). Nick insists he put in the finer points of education and focus group stats and Conor suggests it would have all been OK if the product “hadn’t looked like a turd”.

We get the usual “but…. It’s a tough one” toying by Lord Sugar but I’m genuinely shocked he fires Conor – although, despite seeming much more useful and competent than Nick & minimally more capable of listening than Aaron, he did go proper rogue and not in a good way, so well played LordSugz. Especially as Conor spits out his “Thank you for the opportunity through grinding teeth” and in the Taxi of Sorrows insists angrily that Aaron should have gone. And that he has got through setbacks in rugby and has a particular set of skills and will hunt down and kill all who have wronged him.

You’ll all be fucking sorry

Nick doesn’t get off scot-free as in a nascent card marking Sugar insists he be PM next time. To allow all his dreams of being a creative and having power to come to fruition. Buying mind bleach in advance.

Back in the house everyone thinks Aaron’s gone. As Akshay points out “If someone calls your product a turd and says to change the colour you say yes”. Yes you Del Monte the fuck out of that situation. Everyone thinks Conor’s coming back, so it’s quite fun when Aaron returns with his stories of what a tough boardroom battle he’s won especially when Nick tries to get some kudos by telling them he’s been made PM next week (“Yeah baby”) in a quite wonderful posh dork moment. (Really hope someone gifs it – it made me laugh loudly).

So 14 remain and next time they’re mixing non-alcoholic drinks – and the teams – if Nick and Aaron end up together expect a coke float with a lump of moss in the top.

Feel the need to protect at all costs: Navid

Liking:  Shama, Sophie

In It To Win It: Francesca

Entertained by: Amy (the potential for annoying everyone is huge),

Dark Horse?: Stephanie, Harpreet

Chinny Reckon: Akeem, Akshay

Meh:, Brittany, Kathryn

Going off: Alex, Aaron

They’re a bit shit: Nick

Bye Bye: Harry, Conor