Archives for the month of: July, 2013

It’s finally Week 12 and thanks to not checking my TV times I missed a full 45 minutes of tonight’s highly anticipated Apprentice Final. However it’s easy enough to piece together events from the final minutes I caught of our remaining candidates’ efforts to start up their business plan ideas.

Face Nazi Leah is robotically professional and comes up with “Dr Nick” (“Hi everybody!”) with the scary strapline “Turning Back Time on Your Skin” (because age is evil, eh kids?). She manages not to make someone’s head explode with an over enthusiastic injection of poisoned pig fat and gzzt whirrs and clicks her way through the presentation with icy aplomb.

Lovely Jason ends up on Luisa’s team by default. Therefore she is doomed. Luisa gets cute cupcake girl branding but falls apart at the pitch, reading her cue cards with the faltering delivery of a six year old trying to ask her teacher if she can go wee wee. She blubs disconsolately afterwards and gets a hairy necked hug from Neil Clough Saves The Day.

Back in the boardroom the Face Nazi gets full backing of her team (especially the essentially shallow and oily Myles) but Sugar worries she doesn’t listen because Leah doesn’t go with his advice to call the business “Dr Leah’s” (House of CyborgSex).

Karren thinks Leah’s “very bright” , but also reckons  Luisa understands business underneath “all the pink”. Nick just nods sagely.

The candidates are given a last chance to sway the Nookie Bear faced peer.

Luisa tries to seduce him with her understanding of business and “what makes profit”.

Leah just uses two little words “Extremely lucrative” which are hidden none too subtly amongst such waffle as “fantastic , unique…  dependable… trustworthy”. It’s also revealed she has an exit plan to sell off 9 clinics for £8 million after 5 years (as, she adds two more irresistable words, a “conservative estimate”).

Poor Luisa hasn’t even thought of an exit plan, and tries to bluff that she didn’t need one as she claims to be a market leader.

When Lord Sugar reveals he’s concerned as to Luisa’s other businesses, she’s a bit too quick to assuage his fears (“My shop looks after my.. I mean itself”), but he’s still harping on about her “game-playing” and now he’s also worried Luisa won’t listen to him either. Don’t worry Lord Sugar – nobody really listens anymore. Luisa reckons she has learned from the process that sometimes “it’s ok to shut…” (the fuck up) “your mouth”.

Sugar turns to Leah. Whilst he trusts her, he also knows “it’s a nasty world out there” (“Imagine a dartboard and I am the bulls-eye”) and worries that he’s cruising for a bruising should anything go wrong in the heady world of face-fiddling. Although the notion that people being made to feel that it’s necessary in the first place is the really bad thing doesn’t seem to occur to the gruff but loveable barrow monkey.

Leah smugly assures him that she would tell him to run a mile from anyone else setting up such a business “unless its me”.

So Sugar’s forced to choose between a morally dubious business with “amazing” profits if it’s run correctly and a “safe” cupcake business with so so profits. Hmmm!

Nick decides to speak up, asking Leah how stubborn she is. “I’m normally very compliant but am extremely passionate” Leah responds emotionlessly, as though she’s been programmed as a “basic pleasure model”. 

Sugar weighs up his choices yet again. So Luisa has a “business personality”but he’s “concerned about her 100% attention” . He trusts Leah’s “morals” and sees her as an expert in the field, but finds it very hard to choose her (“It boils down to where am I now at 66 years old – do I need another load of aggravation?”). However “on balance” the beardy ballsack’s mind is finally bloody made up , and by now it’s no longer surprising that “at the end of the day the devil in me has got to take the risk” (and the loot) – so he hires Face Nazi Leah, who almost looks human in the hire car of glory.

So we’re off to a strangely muted “You’re Hired” where everyone skirts cagily about the fact that a vain and greedy young woman encouraging body dysmorphia won the day.

Luisa faces the live audience first and apologises to Jason for her “disgraceful behaviour” whilst he forgives he like a bumbling Christ.

Leah disingenuously tells Dara she is hoping to “regulate” this industry. Oh for fuck’s sake. “I’ve by no means left the NHS I’m so young I have 40 years to give the NHS” so why not give it them you greedy shallow cow, rather than taking their training and buggering off to make an easy non-essential fortune in a nice pastel coloured clinic pandering to the fears of unhappy people. At this rate I’m frankly surprised David Cameron isn’t in the audience applauding warmly. This is our future people. The best chance your nan might have of getting a hip replacement is if she forks out for some collagen implants first.

So that’s that. Face Nazi Leah is hired and we can expect Lord Sugar to turn up next year with a silky soft head the size of the moon as his bollock like facial creases have been ironed out by his lovely blonde replicant assistant. Things can never be the same again. Apart from the fact that as usual next year will inevitably be more awful.

So long suckers.


Winner: Leah

Bye bye: Jaz, Tim, Sophie, Uzma, Zee, Rebecca, Kurt, Natalie, LovelyJason, Alex, Myles, Jordan, Neil, Francesca, Luisa


Week 11
8am in the penultimate week and Sugar warns the candidates that they have one day to prepare to face his slavering attack hounds (or business peers) in the dreaded Interview Stage. Huzzah!

Business analyst Jordan says he’s looking forward to letting Lord Sugar know about his shady third man. Is it the bloke who makes the sandwiches or maybe his dad?

“I’m very passionate about my business plan” drones Leah dully.

The following day they head off to the Institute of Directors clutching brown paper envelopes full of their dreams (and their business plans) and Lord Sugar greets them accompanied by the staccato parping of satanic horns. Sugar claims he needs to know he’s getting the right caliber of person, before sending the candidates in for a savaging from the ever mean Claude Littner, the ever irritating Mike Soutar, the ever fragrant Margaret Mountford and the brand new interviewer Claudine Collins who appears to be a female clone of Claude but in a bad wig from the Coronation Street make-up department.

Dr Leah’s business plan is for a chain of none surgical “facial aesthetics” clinic, which would profit massively from hordes of insecure, vulnerable types longing for a loving injection of poison to make their lives “happier”. Yes I think Dr Leah is evil. Craggy Mike Soutar asks about treatment and she offers to fill his wrinkles in using an icing bag full of piglet spleens and a hammer or something. Claude claims to be unimpressed by her business plan and admonishes her for speeding through her facts and figures about rental and hiring doctors and nurses to staff her own private Face Hut and fuck off the NHS. Leah insists she has a “combination of business flair and medical excellence” (and no soul). Margaret asks Leah why she’s leaving a full-time A&E job to work for Lord Sugar and Leah says plainly “I need the money” (to be fair if she really does work FT A&E she probably needs the sleep as well). Claudine points out that Leah comments on her looks constantly (apparently she even said she was prettier and had more “voluminous” locks than her fellow contestants) and Leah responds that this is normal for a 24 year old evil Irish face tampering fembot and that she is actually very “ethical” (she probably thinks this equates to buying conditioner at The Body Shop).

Claude is immediately suspicious of Neil’s online based one-stop estate agency which allows vendors to sell their homes directly on the grounds that he also wants estate agents to buy into the site for the privilege of losing their business. Neil insists “I have a chance” . “No you don’t!” snaps Claude, brusquely dismissing the business plan as “Ludicrous” and “Crap”. Neil seems indefatigable as he returns to the waiting area (“I would love to go in there again” ) but his neck beard appears to have wilted already under the bruising. Margaret thinks it’s a bad idea too and Mike Soutar tries desperately to get Neil to drop it, but he won’t listen and it’s concluded that he’s too headstrong to see sense. Claudine decides to ignore his business plan and instead quiz him about his biggest regret in not succeeding at football and it all gets a bit teary as Neil explains he thinks he let his DEAD DAD down. “I’m sure he’d be very proud” Claudine gulps emotionally.

Margaret discusses Jordan’s role in the Oxford University (that explains that vase!) “Entepreneurs Society” and Jordan’s not backwards about bigging up his involvement, explaining that it was “like running your own business” (funny he should say that…) and that he helped a number of global companies got started and even personally built the building that the society met in. And so on. He charms Claudine by ranting on passionately about how he always felt he was “more intelligent than anyone else” and how he just wants to show what he can do by talking incessantly at people about how grate he is. She gives him a cool stare and after a pause announces “I’m gonna move on”. Haha. She’s got something of Gillian Anderson in the Fall about her as she further interrogates him about his online platform for hobbyists and brands to create mobile games “ (for which he claims he is the “creative visionary” with a merely technical partner; Claudine:”So you already have a partner?”) and it transpires that the co-founder of a company that Jordan claimed he started up reported that “Jordan just helped us with office space and running events”. “It comes across that you jump onto other people’s ideas” she accuses him, not unreasonably as he’s forced to admit that the only business he has ever run for himself was trading on ebay as a teenager. FAIL! Mike pulls Jordan up on his somewhat wanky claim that he can solve a rubiks cube in under 3 mins, and of course one is produced for Jordan to fumble haplessly with, before claiming that he made a mistake under pressure (yes he forgot to put someone elses’ pre-completed cube up his sleeve). Things go from bad to worse when Mike reveals that the company Jordan claims to be a co-founder of currently has not got his name listed anywhere at companies house and has two founders unrelated to Jordan or his imaginary partner. Jordan digests this bombshell before heading off to meet Claude. “Hello I’m Jordan”. “I know you are” Claude growls, adding “It transpires this isn’t your business”. “There’s three parts to answer” Jordan tries to argue a la Tony Bloody Blair, but Claude is having none of it (“You have no right to share part of a business you do not own”). Brilliantly the cheeky Tyrannosaurus limbed sod also states in his business plan that he’s “only prepared to yield 15.9% equity”. That’s if he wins a 50:50 partnership with Lord Sugar in a business that isn’t his. If you’re going to bullshit, bullshit big I guess. However Claude’s had enough “You have no right to be here.. you’re a parasite.. This interview is terminated” and Jordan scuttles off to cry in the waiting room, his hair gel still sizzling from the Claude treatment.

Francesca has started up a dance class and wants to turn it into a chain. Claude points out that after 10 years having self started in business she’s still very much in the same boat, and she doesn’t help herself by lacking the actual yearly numbers showing her business growing. She claims to “turn around” fifty or sixty thousand profit. “Hang on you can’t turn around profit” Claude slaps her down , adding that her puny figures don’t tally with the “5 million” she claimed to turn over on her application. Francesca does a “you got me” face and admits that the number five just came into her head. She emerges looking slightly sheepish, which cheers up Luisa no end “Was it bad? It was! It was worse wasn’t it?” “It wasn’t the high point of my career” Francesca admits to the smirking cupcake girl. Margaret quotes Francesca’s application answer to the question “what’s the most interesting thing about you?” (apparently it’s her “shoe collection”. I despair).

Disappointingly Luisa gets an easy ride from Claude who merely asks, seeing as she’s allegedly making mega bucks via her various baking related businesses “Why change your life? You’ve got it made”. Luisa does her best “hungry” face and retorts “Cos I always want more”. Margaret’s less impressed by the self-styled “Lady with a brain like Einstein” who actually got “C, D and E in her AS levels” and pulls Luisa up for harping on about everyone thinking she’s just all hair extensions and boob jobs just because she goes on about her hair and her boobs. Luisa claims that comment was just a joke. Margaret isn’t laughing; “Do you think its sensible to put tongue in cheek comments?” “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a bit of personality in business” Luisa comes back smartly. Mike thinks Luisa’s business plan about an online bakery sort of portal thing is “half baked” (oh I see what he did there. Sigh) and she admits that writing business plans isn’t her best skill, however she comes up with some great examples about small family businesses needing to modernise online, none of which sadly as Mike points out are mentioned in the business plan. Oops. Claudine manages to shit stir by hinting to Luisa that Francesca thinks she is a “game player” sending the flaky cake baker off to passive aggressively bitch in the waiting room and ding ding, annoyingly it’s time to go back to the boardroom once Leah has volumised her hair to the max in preparation.

Lord Sugar consults his minions for the low down and dirty on our hopefuls.

Luisa is seen as streetwise and bright, but also a bit of a spoilt child. However they all agree her business plan is actually viable. Margaret suggests Luisa wants Sugar’s “Black book of contacts”, which Sugar doesn’t particularly mind. “It’s the chequebook she wants!” quips Claude, not entirely joking.
Margaret and Claudine really like Francesca, and Margaret thinks she could have “identified a real craze” with the idea of dance studios in town centres (Margaret might have missed out on Zumba whilst she was studying Papyrus). “I’d be the Lord of the Dance” Sugar cracks grimly and fires his writers. Both the women respect Francesca as a “self starter” but Claude bursts the bubble by saying although she has experience she might not be able to do the sums or scale up.

Next Sugar asks about his beloved Cloughy and is horrified to hear that everyone thinks Neil’s business plan is a load of donkey poo. Claudine loves Neil’s passion and drive (and can’t bring herself to diss a man trying to please his dead dad), but Mike Soutar pisses on her parade by pointing out that this passion means Neil is incapable of admitting when he’s wrong. Lord Sugar declares this fatal flaw to be disappointing and looks a little bit mopey.

They give the low down on Leah, and Claudine, hardly the life and soul of the warmth party states that she found Leah “most cold”, although Mike and Claude found her credible and smart with “good margins”. So the men liked the blonde woman offering expensive de-uglification for the deluded. Funny that. But shock horror, Lord Sugar finally has a “concern about the moral side” and everyone shuts up and pretends to look thoughtful.

Finally Sugar asks wryly “What d you think of Jordan”. The responses are remarkably restrained (“I had to throw him out” – Claude, “He takes credit for other peoples successes” – Mike), but it’s clear the Oxbridge shortarse is toast.

Sure enough the candidates are called back into the boardroom and Lord Sugar starts on him with regards his phony business claims. Jordan of course has thought of an answer (“That’s not the case – it’s MY vision – I’ve had a gentleman’s agreement since the day I met this person”). Unfortunately it’s a shit answer (“Cut the crap already!”) and Sugar does the decent thing and fires him in disgrace to pout his way out of the building. Even the taxi of despair shuns him.

Luisa is asked about her three other businesses holding her back in their shared one but she’s not phased (“it’s only of benefit to you”). Francesca is accused of having “no sparks of brilliance” and I doubt her defence about not shouting and screaming is good enough. Sugar confides to Leah that “normally boffins are the worse people in the world for business” and somewhere poor lovely Tom Pellereau throws a nail file in disgust at the telly.

Annoyingly Karren takes the opportunity to start a “journey” narrative about Leah, claiming she’s learned a lot as she was such a mardy robotic cow at the start (and now she’s a face butchering mardy robotic cow) and Leah grasps gratefully at it. However Sugar asks her about the moral issue and she claims to be “confused” by the question (oh oh), adding “I’m legit. I genuinely care. I would turn people away if necessary”.

Sugar turns sadly to Neil; “I’m gonna be very honest. I’m bitterly disappointed with your business proposal. It don’t work. I am shocked. If I didn’t care about you (cough)..if I didn’t think you was any good I couldn’t care less”. Yes it’s true. He lurves the Clough. Neil is too busy blindly defending his proposal (“It’s not just off the back of a fag packet”) to see the bigger picture that if five respected business people have recently told you something won’t work, it’s best to drop it and suggest something else rather than continually harping on about how much you believe in it.

“I may as well put 250K into a slot machine” Sugar hints, adding “I would not have a bat in hells chance starting from scratch in this business. You’re the right man with the wrong plan. You’re one move away from it Neil”. Neil fails to make that move and Sugar has to go all “you are no longer my son” and despite admitting if this was for a job he would hire Neil tomorrow he fires the beardy over-assertive chipmunk “with regret” – and sheds a little tear from one of his Nookie Bear eyes.

In the taxi of despair poor Neil now has a tear in his eye and feels he’s left his family and wife down. I know the missus might have enjoyed another week without a dogmatic Northerner refusing to listen to her, but give yourself a break Neil.

Sugar discusses the last three with his henchies. Karren thinks Fran is stable and focused. So that’s her doomed for being boring. Nick thinks Leah is like a fast finishing race horse, but Sugar says he needs convincing that she understands “the severity of something going wrong”. It doesn’t seem to take much convincing (Leah “I won’t risk my registration on making a quick buck” – BUT THAT’S WHAT SHE’S DOING?) and he decides to take a chance on someone ending up like Cher’s son out of “Mask” and says she’s in the final at which she does a little whimper and her hair expands with sheer joy.

He asks Francesca how she would scale her business up and she unfortunately starts going on about “Village halls with 75 to 100 people in” causing him to raise her eyebrows and miss her blather about becoming a chain.

Sugar says it seems Luisa “wants her own way and is a game player” but to Luisa this is merely because she’s a “strong woman” (Don’t you love it when some women excuse bad behaviour with those words? Because I really don’t imagine genuinely strong women using the term). Luisa takes a gamble and claims that both the other candidates would describe her as a team player. Leah says “yes 100%”, Francesca hesitates gratifyingly before suggesting she thought Luisa was a game player early on, but now she’s a team player. Luisa nearly breaks her retina restraining herself from giving Francesca the evils.
Anyhow Francesca ends up getting fired as although “the dance studio has legs” (geddit) and she has “enthusiasm and drive to run ONE of these places” Sugar isn’t convinced it would scale up . Thus healthy dancing is rejected in favour of cake and Botox.

In the taxi Francesca is gutted, but feels proud that the final three was “all girls” as though it represented a blow for feminism rather than a blow dry to the death next week.

Next week’s Final task will be for them to launch their businesses. If Jason doesn’t reappear I’m sulking.

Liking: Nobody
Disliking: Leah, Luisa
Who will win: Luisa has to doesn’t she? I’m sure Leah will get offered a job by Jeremy Hunt or something.
Bye bye: Jaz, Tim, Sophie, Uzma, Zee, Rebecca, Kurt, Natalie, LovelyJason, Alex, Myles, Jordan, Neil, Francesca

Week 10 dawns at 6am,as Leah, all hair and pout, gathers everyone in the sitting room immediately for a message from Lord Sugar. Wow he’s on their telly and everything, as he has to go off on a Johnny Foreigner Jolly. In the meantime he reverts to his barrow boy roots by setting them the task of growing a business in 48 hours by buying stock with £150 to sell on market stalls the first day and moving the best sellers to a shop for day 2.

We’re back to girls (Evolve= Luisa, Francesca, Leah) versus boys (Endeavour=Myles,Neil, Jordan), so surely the girls are thoroughly screwed. However Luisa now TOTALLY thinks like they have “totally something to prove to those stupid boys”.

Myles wants to PM and Neil keeps tactically quiet, despite the fact that Myles thinks a stall is something that an idiot does to a Ferrari. On Evolve both Leah and Luisa nominate themselves to lead but Luisa wins the vote as “obviously” she has “three retail businesses”. Immediately Luisa suggests fashion because it’s like totally “on trend”.

As the girls go off in search of “quantity, quantity and quantity” of fashion tat (Luisa “Beanie hats are really in!”, Leah “Oh really, I thought they were more 1998”) to “stack high and sell cheap” the boys dither about a choice of products. Jordan suggests “greetings cards”. Myles thinks “teapots are cool”. “Have you guys made a decision?” snaps Karren Brady several lifetimes later. “Just give us a couple of minutes” Myles pleads lamely before resignedly choosing “homeware”. “We just need to choose 2 or 3 products and see what happens” Neil froths, but Myles already looks beaten (“Yeah..”) and decides to look to “glean interesting pieces” in East London, honing in on some overpriced Franklin Mint recreation tupperware boxes priced at £11.50 to trade and retailing at £25 like some clueless, smarmy embryonic Paul Whitehouse clone. With only 16 overpriced ceramic serial killer yellow rubber gloves, notepads (yes still ceramic. For fuck’s sake) and butter dishes, the boys are for some insane reason not doing all that well (Myles: “They don’t really wanna know do they?”)

Meanwhile Jordan stresses that Myles has only bought expensive posh ceramics and plumps for cheapo greetings cards. He turns up like the cavalry, but before long is forced to flog loads to a newsagent for a £25 profit. He rushes off incredibly slowly to get the cards and as a result fails to get any more crap ceramics, leaving Myles and Neil on a fairly empty stall.

Meanwhile the girls sell shed loads of cheap hats and Luisa sends Francesca to buy more.

Despite Jordan having spent hours getting the cards sorted for a poxy £25 profit, Myle now sends him to buy candles. Cue Jordan poncing about getting the life story of the candle suppliers for a day or two.

The candidates get their shops, with Luisa deciding that “East Side Fasion” should stick with what sold well the previous day. However they allow Francesca to take a punt on some cute overpriced designer dresses. She asks if they can get them for £25, the woman selling them says she can do them for £27. Francesca accepts and I’m not sure whether this is a fistpump or a NOOOOOOO moment. However no amount of Luisa namedropping Pixie Lott will shift these shifts at £65 a pop and she ends up having to try to flog them for £40 as “vintage style”.

The boys shop (“Casa Unique”) looks particularly blank, although it’s bare red walls have a nice minimalist abbatoir chic which Karren finds “so unenticing”. Myles and Neil agree it looks “awful”. “We need to get creative” Myles declares as he skips around the shop uselessly flailing. The evil looking ceramic glove dominates the window display, or at least it would if an increasingly frantic Myles wasn’t stood on the verge of tears in front of it.

Meanwhile the girls sell shit loads of hats and scarves and I’m sorry but the edit would have to be really bloody clever for them not to win this by miles (sorry Myles).

Somehow Neil manages to sell some of the horrid overpriced crap whilst Myles hovers looking bereft. Jordan eventually returns from his quest for candles and reveals some worryingly blindly metrosexual tendancies when Myles suggests that two candles for £25 is too expensive (Jordan “They’re STATEMENT CANDLES”. Despite this clear warning, Neil hints (without taking personal responsibility) that Myles should send Jordan to gamble on buying a “high ticket item”.

Given the dress fail, Luisa sends Francesca to “diversify” with erm yet more hats and scarves. Nick Hewer is impressed however by her retail skills.

Jordan learns about the history of ceramics before returning with a £79 “Zsa Zsa” vase (retail £190) which looks like a grey version of the eggs out of alien but is meant to resemble tulip flowers. Karren thinks it’s a “big risk” to try to overtake the girls. However, as the diminutive Jordan has bought it, it’s not that big. “It’s not as big as I thought” Neil moans when he looks at it closely (he first saw it in Jordan’s arms presumably). Myles is a “bit disappointed” so tonight it’s hard to tell the difference. “I don’t know what they expected” Jordan flounces “I think it’s really pretty”. He’s dispatched to try to flog it to mad people in independent shops and is running pretty close to browbeating an unconvinced looking hippy lady, but to try to keep us in insane suspense we’re taken back to the Board Room.

Predictably our favourite Beardy Bollock faced peer harks yet again to his umble origins before establishing that all the girls are happy with Luisa. Nick was impressed with Luisa’s £370+ worth of sales but Karren jumps him to trump him with Neil’s £470+. Why don’t you just MARRY Neil, Karren?

Myles is mocked for going for “high end designer bespoke pieces”. All 16 of them. The boys look a bit sheepish and Myles admits the shop looked “embarrassing”.

Anyhow it’s scores time:-

Endeavour made £298.83 cash and were left with £251 giving total assets of £553.26

Evolve made £393 cash, stock was £415.55 so Total assets were £809.05

The girls are sent to The Cube pop up restaurant to be fed by a Michelin chef and hang out looking like Charlie’s Angels.

The boys tuck into recriminations in the cafe of doom, where Jordan is convinced the other boys sound stupid (no understanding of ceramics eh?) blaming him for the task failure.

Back in the boardroom, Lord Sugar suggests that Myles has “no clue about retailing” and Myles manages to confuse retail and markets. Jordan’s vase is produced as evidence, causing confusion and terror all about. “Wha..wha.. is this?” gasps Sugar. Jordan replies smugly “It’s a vase Lord Sugar and it’s a very unusual and unique vase”. Whilst Lord Sugar agrees it may have been all well and good for arty farty types, Jordan “stands by” his “product” (eh?) , even though he failed to sell it to the hippy, and Sugar gives him an unreconstructed none vase buying “You are a massive bender” look. “What looks bad is you sat here still saying you like that vase”, Myles snipes. Neil vacillates between blaming Jordan and Myles, but is confident in his own results having sold £470 worth of cack.

Myles boasts that he is used to selling to a “luxury client based in Formula 1” which morphs into a “Luxury brands marketing agency” when Sugar quizzes him. “It all sounds lucrative” Karren sighs (that’ll be the word luxury), and Myles confesses that there aren’t “great margins” in the current business. Oops.

argues he’s all about “Innovation creation and operation” (and bullshit). “If you talk long enough you’ll convince yourself” Sugar scoffs, adding that Neil’s “online estate agency business” needs to be a “bladdy good plan”.

Jordan’s acting like a bit of a twat (“My business plan is phenomenal”) but his idea of a “platform creating games for mobiles” could be were the money lies, if only he’d shut up and stop patronising Sugar when it comes to software (no matter how rubbish Amstrad was, he’s not going to like that). Jordan lets slip that he has two other people doing the technical donkeys work for his business plan and Karren gets all moral (“So there’s three of you in this platform”) spurring Jordan to nearly screw himself over, when it’s in reality quite simple that if he won the partnership with Sugar he could then use his production team as contractors. Sadly he talks himself into trouble before adding “I’m a safe proposal”. I wouldn’t buy a used bag for life from this man right now. “What bleeding world do you live in” Sugar growls. “Let me explain myself” Jordan smarms anxiously and I’m screaming “Shat up!” at the telly whilst Sugs “don’t wanna hear anymore! It is my money. my investment so I need to be clear who I’m investing with”. Jordan does a big cough to disguise the fact he would dearly like to cry at this point but although Sugar hasn’t got “a bladdy idea” what Jordan’s talking about, he predictably fires Myles, whilst promising to “get to the bottom” of Jordan. Missus!

In the taxi of doom, a rather mature Myles is annoyingly “Philosophical” and like a grown up decides that it was a fair decision.

Next week it’s the interviews. And Claude the pitbull says “You’re a parasite. This interview is terminated” to someone. I hope that’s not the best bit.

Liking, but not as much as I did: Jordan
Tolerating: Francesca
Disliking Mildly: Neil, Leah
Disliking Disproportionately despite her having done very well this week: Luisa
Bye Bye: Jaz, Tim, Sophie, Uzma, Zee, Rebecca, Kurt, Natalie, LovelyJason, Alex, Myles

Who will win? Neil. He’s a twat in many ways, but probably the best of this bunch in terms of skills.