Week 9 is Hi Viz heaven as the candidates are called to Southbank Tower, the centre of UK kitten squashing (or just a high-up windy building) where Lord Sugar tells them that as they are on a 70s building which is being turned into luxury apartments, that they have to sell the priciest product of all: GOLDEN LEAR JETS (well actually property worth millions and some mid range apartments – mid range in Apprentice language being £350,000). Whilst I start to vomit at the disgusting disparity of life, Sugs informs the candidates that the team with the most value of commissions win and sends Selina to Team Versatile (to team Connexus’s glee and Charleine’s general dismay).
Joseph puts himself forward to lead Versatile (Selina, Charleine, Gary) as he has done property rentals (but not property sales).
Richard announces that he worked as an estate agent to fund his studies at Uni (studies in being a GRASPING CUNT) and is thus elected as the leader of Connexus (Vana, Scott, Brett).
So it’s time to divide the team between the high end (over a million) and the “mid range” (that’ll be £350k FFS!). Scott really wants to work on high end but once Vana has revealed (not for the first time in tonight’s show) that her parents were architects in New York, Richard has to let a clearly humpy Scott down (“You’re the project manager – you make the decisions”). Scott’s miffed and pretends to be concerned that Richard will just boss Vana about (cut to Richard in the car treating Vana like she’s his PA). Over on Connexus Joseph decides that he and Selina should take the high end properties. Charleine immediately questions this decision and the ever-brewing Selina:Charleine bitch fight seems imminent, but Joseph insists there will be no negativity and everyone should just get on, so Charleine and Gary are consigned to “mid fricking range” and we are denied our guilty fun of watching two blonde psychos rip shreds out of each other.
First property is the Manhattan Roof Gardens in Stratford. Vana mentions architect parents (as she does all the way through this task so let’s just take it as a given and save my typing). She’s also all about feelings which works well with the crazy artist guy who’s trying to sell his development. Even Richard has to shut up and let her work it (“He really bought into US “ – it’s always US or WE when Richard hasn’t actually done the work).
Joseph and Selina go to the same complex, where Joseph brusquely demands information on pricing whilst the both of them stare at their notebooks and this makes the crazy man sad (“What is important is not price but your understanding of the product”). Crazy man also dislikes Joseph’s outfit, because it’s a bit random (even though Joseph later defends himself in the boardroom by pointing out he wore a “nice suit and a purple shirt!!!” – bloody architects know nothing about style).
Brett and Scott from Versatile arrive at their “Mid Fucking Range” converted printworks near Clapham with apartments featuring a cupboard that contains a washer drier and all for £320K. Meanwhile Charleine and Gary from Connexus head to a Lewisham former office block where they are flogging tiny apartments for £350K. And I drink some more wine in disgust.
Scott having only just learned the layout spots some potential apartment-buyers and decides to give them the great pitch. Nice move except he hasn’t got a clue where anything is. “This is the dining room” he announces in a room without a big table. Brett rescues him sort of (“It’s the lounge.”) but clearly thinks Scott has lost it (“It’s a train crash” (Brett either thinks car crash is too clichéd or he is a bit mad and apt to use the wrong words for a cliché, bless him).
Anyhow at “High End” Canary Wharf building site, David Gorman (not that one, how Google Whacky would that be) the high end property dealer gets proper pissed off by Joseph leaping in to demand a 4% commission rate (“You’re miles away”). Somehow Joseph comes away thinking this went well, and is very keen on getting Canary Wharf.
Richard and Vana debate about the best high end apartments to choose, but agree that Canary Wharf is a “brand name”. They shouldn’t worry as both development reps liked them, whereas Joseph is gutted to hear that his team wasn’t “suited” and “weren’t polished enough” (Selina: “That sounds like a personal thing”, Joseph “I don’t think it’s aimed at me in particular – I feel slightly offended”, Selina “I don’t think it’s aimed at me”).
Anyhow it’s 7pm and the teams have 2 hrs to book in buyers. Brett gets asked by a punter what his return would be and Scott does a “fuckedifIknow” noise.
Charleine meanwhile sells a 350k Lewisham flat and is ecstatic (“You could buy a street in Wales for that money! I might not have the most eloquent of accents bur I can really sell! Joseph did a big mistake not taking me on the high end!” Um yeah).
At 6am Richard tries to motivate his middle range sales team (“This is not that difficult”, Scott (pissed off):”Thanks very much, appreciate that”).
Selina manages to demotivate everyone by sharing David from Canary Wharf’s “Not polished enough” feedback, and it gets Charleine’s back right up, whereupon Selina points out that she has “sold to the Royal Family”. Charleine simmers (“Selina is cheeky. I find her judgemental and insulting and very unpolished for a business person”) and Joseph, sensing blondebusinesswomanageddon refuses to change the teams around.
Scott and Brett develop a slightly sexist bromance (Scott ”Ladies like chocolates”;Brett “milk tray”, Scott: “Yeah absolutely!”) and are a bit out of their depth (Scott: “Everybody’s enjoying the Clapham; Everything’s here from off-licenses to fish and chip shops”; Nice old Indian bloke “Are you going to give ANY discount?” (Scott offers 1.5% they bugger off to better chippies), Scott “It’s a tough old game”).
Richard and Vana go full out schmooze on their Canary Wharf Clients, but choose to ignore the show flat (which Karren sees as a balls up as they don’t have layouts or floorplans). Richard manages to screw up the developers name in one pitch, which Karren will never forget of course.
This is juxtaposed with Selina being utterly clueless in Stratford and blaming Joseph for not prepping her properly (the poor lamb!).
In Lewisham Gary advertises the highlights of an apartment (“Some people will like looking into the city; some people will like looking into erm Lewisham” – and here’s me thinking the bonus of living high up in a place was not having to look at it).Charleine sells a fifth floor flat in the same block like a woman demented, because she’s OBSESSED with Selina (“I BET Selina will say I sold cos I had easier properties to sell”.)
In Clapham Brett shows people round the wrong attic apartment style floor and only realises when Karren “helpfully” outs his mistake (“I did just say 4 windows, that is visually what your’e looking at though”, Clients leave, Brett facepalms).
Meanwhile Scott’s in full BS mode and sells a flat by offering a “free bottle of prosecco” to the woman buyer.
Joseph somehow manages to sell a luxury apartment with a 1% discount, although he reckons his “outstanding sales technique” did it. Selina sourly suggests “The customer clearly came in looking to buy”, but the rest of the team (especially Charleine once she’s figured out it wasn’t Selina who made the sale) are happy for him. Joseph feeds back to Selina the good news that Charleine has sold yet another flat, and Selina makes a noise like a cow having a stroke.
Even simple Joseph is starting to think Selina manipulates situations to make people think problems are not her fault.
Over in Canary Wharf and Vana and Richard play potential buyers by offering a discount on parking space and what do you know it works (I think Vana’s poor New York Architect parents story helped mind) and Richard comes in his pants!!!!
It all goes sell sell sell and we realise how stupidly rich some people are when a dippy woman blurts “My husbands going to kill me!” (Oh oh silly me I bought a 350K apartment – FFS!!!).
At Stratford Joseph welcomes the last potential buyer to Manhattan, but Selina keeps leaping in and they scare the punter off.
Selina’s concerned she didn’t sell (“It’s a real shame”), but somehow manages to blame Joseph (“He underestimated the complexity of the task”).
Charleine convinces Gary to kidnap a random person from the street and try to sell them a flat (Charleine:”We literally have a minute left”, Puzzled client: “It’s a very expensive minute”).
Anyhow at 7pm selling stops and the next the they’re back in the BoardRoom.
It turns out people who buy massively overpriced flats are massively overblown tosspots as Karren reveals both sets of clients wanted Richard and Vana to sell their flats. (Even Richard bigs up Vana’s client banter skills, which confuses me).
Scott gets shit for his Clapham meltdown (“You called the bidet the hot tub!”) and for saying the area was close to the chippy, but he insists he wanted to demonstrate what the area had (and we should be grateful he wasn’t bigging up stabbings).
Selina gets stick for not helping Joseph out (“You need to sit and listen even if you’re not bleeding interested”. Joseph’s still getting over Harry’s dislike of his braces (“I had a very nice suit on with a purple shirt!!!!”).
Lewisham made £18.2K on commission
Stratford made 29k
Clapham made £72.5k
Canary Wharf made £63k
So Connexus have won, and HOW FUCKING SMUG WILL THIS MAKE RICHARD??!
Karren and Sugar agree that Scott is lucky to stay, whereupon Scott doesn’t budge and hands in his notice in a SCOTT SCHOCK moment (“Thank you for the opportunity, but I would like to exit the process”). All the candidates are like “For Fuck sake! What?” but he just waltzes away with the arse on, confiding in the Taxi of Doom that he was brilliant and Lord Sugar should have seen it straight away rather than titting him about for 9 weeks. So Scott goes right up in my estimation.
Meanwhile Charleine and Selina finally have a catfight in Sad Café, and despite being incapable of deciphering their high pitched shrieks it’s obvious that Selina is a snotty person who cannot admit she’s wrong and Charleine is a psychopath.
Back in the boardroom and Joseph is forced to admit he was out of his depth and lacked sophistication on this task (“We wasn’t good enough”).
Selina insists none of it was her fault as she was “slightly sidelined” (ooh you lying cow) prompting Joseph to observe “It’s the first time in 9 weeks I worked with you…and I don’t want to again”. When both Sugar and Joseph observe that Selina is a tad negative she moans that “I just had to deal with Charleine screaming at me for 5min”. It transpires that Joseph split his teams to keep our favourite angry blondes apart and even Mr Nice Guy Gary observes that Selina accusing the whole team of not being polished enough based on the feedback from Canary Wharf David (about her and Joseph) “rubbed people up the wrong way”).
“I’m not trying to win a personality contest” insists Selina, and Lord Sugar reassures her she wouldn’t have a chance, whereupon she says she’s being scapegoated.
Joseph unsurprisingly chooses Selina to bring back in, and, probably sensibly, deprives us of another bitchfest by also bringing Gary in due to his low sales figures.
Back in the room and Selina’s none existent sales are raised (“You couldn’t even flog property playing monopoly”) for which she blames Joseph again. “You’re talking nonsense” he declares, and she tells him not to shout (“I’m not shouting I’ve just got a loud voice).
Poor Joseph gets stick for not being a high end sophisticat like what Lord Sugar is, and for describing himself as “The Godfather of business” on his application ( I like to think he leaves horses heads in the toilets he plumbs), but he gives a good spiel about taking feedback on board and working hard (“I know what 20 hours a day looks like, I’m gonna break my back for you”).
Selina gets her spiel so horribly wrong talking about why she is more of a boss so struggles to work for people and she is more interested in big business than Lord Sugar’s shit and demeaning (million pound apartment) task.
Gary’s still got his Sugar card marked for being corporate, but ultimately the right decision is made and Selina is fired. In the taxi of reflection she is unrepentant (“I would be great in business with Lord Sugar but if it means having to work with people as unpleasant as Charleine, he needs to get someone else”) and has clearly NOT learned from “the process”.
Mind you back at the house Charleine admits “I am so happy to not see her, I’m not going to lie” (You’re fucking STOKED you lying cow!).
So there’s 6 left (at last) and next week the remainder get to twat around with “super foods”. In other news, Selina fails to show for the “You’re Fired” show, yet Scott does. I am now worrying about Selina.
Not convinced by
Dan, Aisha, Jenny, Ruth, Natalie, Elle, Mergim, April, Sam, David, (Bullshit) Scott (fell on own sword), Selina
My Tips for the Final
Joseph, Charleine, Richard
Looking Foward to
Richard coming apart in the interview round.