Archives for category: The Apprentice

The final 5 finish off their business plans in crayons and head to the currently empty 70 St Marys Axe (basically a building site then) to be slowly grilled by Lord Sugar’s “trusted advisers”; CEO of the Evening Standard (and therefore used to dealing with chancers) Mike Soutar, media mogul and 1980s reject Claudine Collins, Northern Business Woman and Camilla Parker Bowles’s evil twin Linda Plant and of course cuddly Rottweiler and stomper of the poor Claude Lintner.

Lewis robotically insists he’s going to remain unfazed and hopes to survive the day “with no crying” even though he’s going in with a start-up luxury package tour to Croatia.  “Smell you later” he tells the girls on his way to see scary Linda (Pam “Did he just say that? He’s gone delirious”). Linda asks about his experience as a tour guide. He says he hasn’t any but has been a rep and argues his other skills should be enough. “You don’t need to say anymore” she stops him “my perception is what I have to replay to Lord Sugar” and she terminates the interview. Like that. It’s as good as “fuck off”. Lewis looks pale on his return to the foyer. But he doesn’t cry! It gets worse with Claude who describes his business plan as garbage. “Why Croatia?” he sneers. Lewis thinks the numbers stack up. They don’t. He wants to take 200 people away at once and pays 50% up front for flights and hotel. What could possibly go wrong. Mike tests Lewis’s knowledge of geography, as he’s never even been to Croatia, and asks him to point it out on a globe. “I use something called Google” protests Lewis. “I want you to use something called Globe” rejoins Mike. Lewis gets it about 600 miles away which on a tiny globe I would say is good going as Lewis has never even SEEN a globe before #MillenialProblems

 

The wonderfully named Carina La Pour, artisan bakery owner is confident “It’s no biggy; I just need to smash it”, but bit by bit she’s unpicked as Claude and Claudine both patronisingly describe her as having “a little family business” and question her scalability. Claudine goes all cuddly Hannibal Lector, quizzing Carina about her relationship with her family as she started the business when her Dad’s bakery burnt down and now employs him. Claudine sticks the knife in (“You’re obviously close to your dad”, Carina “now but her never said he was proud of me”) and brings up her little boy (“Do you feel you behave similarly to your son as your dad did to you?” Ooh low blow!) until Carina’s reduced to tears (“I just want to show him if you work hard your dreams can come true”, which Claudine exploits for maximum blub-inducing effect (“I think they will be proud of you!”). Poor Carina’s in bits (“I kept telling myself – no crying!). Next up is Linda (Carina in lift “I got this!” who thoroughly patronises Carina for not being a baker or having a USP (Carina: “Our USP is our personality, our customer services” Linda “Our interview is over – learn how to bake.” – OUCH!). Mike reveals he’s a massive stalker (“I was in your shop last week and they didn’t give me that customer feedback form you said everyone got in your business plan” Carina “Oh did you sit in?” Mike “Yes I had a cherry and almond slice and a cup of coffee” Carina “Er how was it” Mike “Fine”) and goads her on her scalability vision until she plucks 2-5000 shops out of thin air.  He’s not impressed but she still sweetly thanks him for coming to her shop. Bless her.

 

Much is made of the fact Lottie is only 19 (“Most of these were working whilst I was still in nappies” but that doesn’t spare her from Claude’s wrath. “Let me tell you Lottie, to some extent you are a remarkable woman..” he starts, “but that’s nicest thing I’m going to say to you all day”. He then proceeds to tear into her business plan (a country club for elite rural posh gels complete with shooting trips and posh nosh– amusingly she realises she spelt pheasant wrong in her business plan – presumably she meant peasant) which contains no costings whatsoever. “I have them in my head” she insists, but that’s not enough.

Lottie is most terrified of Linda’s power stare (“As a librarian I wish I could muster it”) but she psyches herself up gamely on her way to Linda’s lair. “She might be ‘last word Linda’ but I’m Last Word Lottie Lion”.  Carina thinks she’ll be OK (“Lottie loves debate, she loves rolling her eyes at you when you’re not looking), and Lottie starts well with some good old fashioned sucking up because they’re both wearing red dresses (“Clearly we both have similar tastes”), but last word Linda is unimpressed that Club Posh Countryside Alliance will only invite women who “speak the Queens English” having risen from humble origins (Leeds).

Claudine points out that Lord Sugar might not want to invest in Lottie because everyone hated working with her and found her patronising and Lottie’s clear she doesn’t want to make friends, just to win, before cracking a tiny bit and admitting she’s found it hard discovering some unlikeable aspects of herself during the process. You and me both love.

Mike does a big sigh “Lottie – you say your profit plans are vast and many” “Yes” “Where are they? Have you forgot to put them in” “Er yes” “It’s a bit ‘the dog ate my homework’”. Good start then. He asks how many events she plans to run and she blethers on about things being seasonal before settling on 20. “You’d need 96 to make the numbers work” he tells her (she should ask him to explain his workings I reckon). She is confident that with Lord Sugar’s dosh she could run all of them and more – all by herself because she’s already alienated the staff she hasn’t even hired yet.

Beauty brand owner Pam is hugely confident of her products (“they are bespoke – they come from my brain” ugh). Linda asks her about her claim of being a “beauty inventor” and produces identical products to Pam’s “Moxy Love” eye thingy. Pam can only say “Oh” and “Wow” as Linda basically accuses her of ripping off her competitors and THEN tells her to fuck off.  Mike asks her how long her mail order items take to reach the UK “About 4-5 days” she says. No Pam – he’s a stalker and he’s been at it again! “I ordered your eye shit 11 days ago – can you chase it up?” he asks. Weirdo.  By now Pam admits she feels “completely dishevelled”. Not a good time to see Claude again – and she begins to get weepy as he tears apart her dream of a global brand. “Why are you so emotional” he snaps. Pam admits she had her products discontinued and has had to bounce back. “This emotional thing doesn’t cut any ice” he says coldly. Claudine continues the deconstruction of Pam “You said you found being away from your mum intimidating”. Pam starts crying about missing her mammy and Claudine is a proper cow “That worries me as Lord Sugar wouldn’t want a 50:50 partnership with you if he thought he had your mum in the background”. “She’s just my sounding board honest!” wails Pam.

Finally Scarlett sees Mike, who’s a proper twat about her business plan “You make it sounds as though all your team speak 15 languages each” he picks. Oh shut up Soutar, that’s the way you’re reading it. He asks what she would advise candidates going to an interview. Don’t answer him Scarlett he’s a stalker. She says she’d say be open and honest and he pounces that she put an OU degree on her LinkedIn but not on her CV so she’s an evil lying minx. She just put it on LinkedIn when she was studying and she’s nearly finished it but that’s not enough for Stalky Soutar and he tells her off for being a fibber. Claude asks her how she feels she’s done and she thinks she’s been consistent. He says he’d agree but her Business Plan is “at best woeful” and it doesn’t matter how good a reputation she has NOBODY KNOWS HER and she will never be a success at her CEO headhunting business idea. He berates her for not putting cash flow in her business plan and she rallies politely “I’m sorry you feel that way” “You should be ashamed!” he spits. “I’m not ashamed of what I’ve achieved” (that’s the spirit”) she states and offers to elaborate for him “That’s very kind” says Claude “BUT TOO LATE”. More tears. Awww.

“Don’t you cry!” Lewis booms as she returns to the foyer “Or you’ll start me off!”

Scarlet admits to Claudine she has made lots of mistakes – mainly moving out of home too young, getting pregnant at 19 and having another baby has meant that life has been a struggle, but she likes to think “all those things are a testimony to my character” (Oh god pass the tissues I’ve gone too) “and show” (blub sniff) “how string focused and” (sob) “determined I am – apologies for being so emotional”. Claudine is at least nice to her as she stumbles out in floods – Claude would have been “that don’t cut no dice with me lady!”

Poor Scarlett felt “I looked weak”. I’m just wondering if the interviews were all THAT horrible or if all the women have synchronised periods just in time for this week.

Anyhow the candidates wait outside the boardroom as the interviewers troupe in to grass them up to Sugar. They’re fairly complimentary about Scarlett but Claude thinks she needs to recruit CEOs and just isn’t there yet. “More of a recruiter” agrees Mike.

Linda shits on Pam for not inventing anything but Mike insists she’s backable as her products made 160k Euros last year.

Lewis gets laughed at by everyone. As does Carina’s off her head wish for 2-5000 bakeries. (Sugar “I’m only interested in 10,000”). Claude gets in on the patronising “She has been credible throughout the process, but she needs to understand baking” – cos I bet the manager of Greggs spends their evenings making sausage rolls.

Sugar is befuddled by Lottie’s Club Tweed Posho although Linda thinks it has legs (that’s the Camilla Parker Bowles connection coming out). Claude disses it all as nonsense with no numbers.

The candidates go in and get given enough rope to hand themselves. Lewis thinks he can change career as Richard Branson knew sod all about planes but Sugar points out he already had a huge brand in Virgin records and can’t understand why Lewis didn’t stick to what he knows.

Sugar thinks Pam’s Moxy Love “sounds like a Victorian disease”. Apparently her brand was terminated due to “EU regulations”. Bloody EU not letting you rub arsenic into rabbits eyeballs to test your beauty brand eh? Sugar also says she probably used the “same people in China” to make her product as her identical competitor did. Blimey!

Scarlett’s dissed for having an inarticulate business plan. She gives an articulate answer “I think on the back of the interview you and I had Claude that I should have given more detail – I was naïve”. Oh she’s smooth. She says there’s no point in trying to pretend she’s at the top level of recruitment yet but that’s where she wants to go.

Carina gets stick for being a flaky non-cake baker – but she is good at spinning plates she tells him and she thinks her shop stands out against the competition. She even offers costings to start up two shops. Claude dismisses them (“what about staff payment?”) but it’s more numbers than anyone else has had.

Finally Lottie is told her “Go Reactionary in the Country” events are too niche (“Like the Piers Morgan fan club” – hur hur) . Lottie likes being niche. Everyone laughs when she’s revealed to have had no costings, but ultimately Sugar doesn’t get it and “with regret” (yeah) fires her. She thanks him EVER so much for the opportunity and wishes the remaining candidates the best of luck before jaunting off to stab voodoo dollies of them all.

Next Lewis is dumped unceremoniously (no regrets just a sarcastic “yeah keep in touch”) and the final three are given a break whilst Claude and Karren bitch about them and it’s all surprisingly nice and civil when they’re back in – no bitch fighting for their lives. After some minor nitpicking Pam is fired on a gut feeling (i.e. she has NOTHING to sell) and with some regret. In the taxi of despair she’s chirpily onwards and upwards. HOW IS THIS TELEVISION?!!!

So our finalists are who I’ve been backing the past few weeks – I’d prefer Scarlett but honestly don’t mind who wins – next week they get to launch their new businesses. Expect Lottie to be left till last when they pick the teams in a traumatic reliving of her school netball (or lacrosse?) days.

Liking:   Scarlett, Carina

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn, Iasha, Jemelin, Ryan-Mark,Thomas, Marianne, Dean, Lottie, Lewis, Pam

Firstly apologies for failing to blog Week 9 due to a mixture of illness and too much stuff to do. A quick recap. The teams were asked to select artists songs and mix them to create ad-friendly jingles. Empower were asked to do a football tune but somehow Thomas picked a love song that sounded a bit like the Laughing Gnome but with Marianne wailing over the top of it. He then alienated all the clients by aggressively asking for too much money. Unison (lead by talent manager Dean despite Lottie’s 15 years’ experience playing the tambourine) did a bland poppy number which sold more so somehow Dean not only survived but won the task. Amazingly Thomas got the (regretful) boot. Not so amazingly Marianne got a non je regretted boot.

So in Week 10 our remaining six wannabes are therefore summoned to Burlington House where they have to break the smelly market by creating and branding a new perfume and pitching it to two major retailers.

Dean’s moved over to Empower with Lewis and Pam who has to lead the task and as a beauty brand owner no pressure love. She asks the boys to suggest markets and Lewis is very excited about Unisex, but Pam wants to go for the female market (with two blokes on your team what could go wrong?). Even Dean backs Lewis (“Unisex is on trend”) but that’s because he has no creative thoughts of his own, but Pam sticks with girly pongs as the market. Pam picks “degree in marketing” Lewis to do the packaging and puts Dean on the perfume as she wants to work with Lewis on design. Lewis is worried about leaving Dean unattended, and to be fair Pam is too so she agrees to go with Dean and trust Lewis to create her vision. He asks for her vision and she waffles about “Simplicity” and “breaking the mould”. “Are we happy we know this woman?” she asks. They all mumble yeah and Lewis starts sketching ideas on his way to the design studio.

Over on Unison, Lottie yet again thinks she’d be perfect to lead as she’s passionate about perfume and likes classy, classic looks and scents. Carina is like “no fucking way” as she thinks Lottie can’t lead for toffe (she has a point) and puts herself forward too. Lottie lays her top experience on the table “I helped three friends pick their wedding perfumes” (probably because they didn’t want you as a bridesmaid Lottie), but Scarlet votes for Carina and Lottie pulls her TM Hacky Face.

Ep10 Lottie

Scarlet suggests going unisex and Carina envisions a lady in a suit. Lottie says it should be androgynous. “What’s that?” asks Carina. “Imagine Cara Delevingne in a suit”. Carina is all “That is literally what I just said less poncily”. Scarlet’s happy to do all the packaging by herself whilst Lottie and Carina go make the perfume and poster.

To the Hampstead Perfume Laboratory where the perfume boffin tells everyone about base, middle and top notes, advising the perfume makers to “be instinctive and know when to stop”. Pam’s keen o citrus. Dean just smiles and nods and holds out numerous swatches of scents admitting finally he can’t smell anything anymore.

Carina is after a “power smell”. I’m thinking kebab fart, but they mix up Jasmine and vanilla and every aroma known to unisex-kind eventually settling on a heady mix of coconut rhubarb, lavender sandalwood, basil, etc etc.

In the design studio Scarlet simply gets on with things deciding on a hexagonal shaped bottle and leather effect box with black and rose gold colourings with minimal wordiness and it all looks quite nice. She comes up with “Captivation” as the brand name and “Feel the power” or some such shit as the tag line. She’s happy to sign off and her design assistant looks cheerful too.

Lewis (and his poor design studio assistant) go through a long dark afternoon of the soul however as he twats about self-brainstorming himself down a rabbit hole. At first he’s on brief with a plain simple label but then he argues himself into a “bold image” suggesting “independence…someone breaking norms… freedom…outdoors” with all the logical reasoning of the Bat Computer before ending up with a label showing someone mountain climbing. WHAT? He calls Pam to tell her and she puts him right “Most perfume bottles wouldn’t have a photo on the label” (unless you shop at Savers and only from their bargain bin). “Help me not see that tomorrow” she insists. It’s all too subtle for Lewis though as he mindfarts brand names (“Independence… Horizon”..) plumping for “Determined” which goes on the box in a stupidly non-determined girly font. He has “Eau de Parfum” correct on the bottle and then changes the spelling to “PARFAM”. Classy! Claude winces at Lewis’s creative block and the design bloke looks practically suicidal as he waits for Lewis to decide on a slogan which after much painful word soup ends up as “Break boundaries, move mountains”. “What’s a mountain smell like?” muses Lewis. Depends what it’s made of.

In a Luxury west London hotel Lottie manages the photoshoot getting Carina to pose as some high powered business bitch on the phone whilst her micromanaging male boss leans over her shoulder and reaches for the same bottle of perfume as her. So not that empowering then. Carina’s not sure the message is clear but Lottie insists Carina trust her (“Can you raise one eyebrow Carina?” “Can’t!”). The packaging design comes through and Lottie’s pissed off and says it looks “appalling” (“Captivation is an uneasy word. Grammatically it doesn’t make much sense” – then it’s an IDEAL perfume name – never heard of Obsession? Eternity? Joop? Even fucking Tramp (by Lentheric)). Carina however thinks it looks strong.

Somehow Pam has ended up at a beach bar for their location shoot which is awkward as she doesn’t want any beach in the picture. Dean spots some flowers against a brick wall and gets the poor model to squat by them. Job done! “When I saw the flowers a little flick went off in my brain and I thought wow this is my time to shine” gushes Dean completely inappropriately. They’re still waiting for a logo until at the 11th hour in crawls Lewis’s label with a short short wearing free spirit looking at a mountain. Pam and Lewis facepalm. Dean is not so secretly delighted at how shit it is as it takes pressure off him. Pam is fuming (“My god it’s SO bad!”).

It is shit though:

Ep10 Determination

The next morning the teams whiff their fragrances. Scarlet nearly chokes. Lottie gets revenge by moaning that Scarlet’s perfectly good packaging isn’t bold  enough (“I can’t read it from here” – then you will pick it up for a closer look won’t you – you picky bitch). Carina thinks Scarlet “delivered really well” and Lottie looks daggers at them.  Scarlet gets her own back on Lottie’s poster as she also picks up on the whiff of sexism (“The woman holding the phone looks like a receptionist” Lottie: “No it says POWER IS CALLING” ha!).

Lewis likes Pam and Dean’s scent, but it’s not reciprocated for his packaging and his misspelling of Parfum and Independent are pointed out. “I worked my arse off” whinges Lewis (should have used your brain mate). Pam doesn’t know why a woman going up a mountain would even need fragrance. “She’s breaking the mould” insists an increasingly emotional Lewis. “No she’s not” says Pam sadly “She’s walking through rocks”.  The poster is unveiled and Lewis realises just how off their brand he is, but Pam chivvies them up to prepare to sell it, whatever it takes.

Unison pitch to Debenhams who fan the perfume onto their nostrils. And then gag a bit. Actually they like the smell but find it feminine. Oh and pungent. Carina unveils the poster claiming the message is about the power stance, but the token woke bloke on the Debenhams panel finds it all a bit 1980s and wonders if they get the difference between power and “empowerment”.

I think it looks like one of those “erotic” Mills and Boon covers I’ve er heard so much about:

Ep10 Captivation

Lottie does a defensive tackle claiming she wanted to “capture a classic image and keep it timeless – but we could develop ideas with you alongside us”. They don’t look convinced. Deciding that the issue was the poster, Carina makes the call of not taking it to the next pitch with Boots. On your head be it Lottie says. Boots actually think the bottle and packaging are “unique” but ask to see a poster so they can understand the “story” (er it makes you smell nice”. Scarlet stalls “We are developing an ad campaign with a smartly dressed man and woman reaching for captivation” but Boots suggest it’s a “bit of a miss” not seeing the posters.

Pam preps Dean to talk about the scent. “Does he know what he’s doing?” Lewis worries. Dean is all “um er yeah”. He then goes on to drop the bottle in front of the Boots panel before wibbling on about the “smell that is oriented towards citrus…erm” and it just hurts to watch him limply waving paper scent swatches under their wrinkled up noses. Pam steps in to add more detail on ingredients and it’s down to Lewis to justify the packaging “it’s about someone who lives life on their own terms”. Boots think the bottle and imagery don’t match. They’re sharp.

Dean ups his game with Debenhams – losing the bottle in his pockets before spraying and wafting and describing the perfume as having (drum roll) “a variety of ingredients”. Jesus wept. The token woke bloke points out that despite Pam’s claims for the packaging not being sexualised images of women those shorts are very damn short – and then he spots the spelling howlers on the box. “Do you want to answer that Lewis [you twat]” Pam asks. He holds his hands up and admits he was pushed for time. Dean is practically ejaculating in glee (“Lewis messed this up! They HATED it!”).

Boardroom time and Sugar jokes that usually he says “smell what sells” (except he doesn’t) but now it’s the other way round and oh my aching sides, nurse the curtains etc. He thinks Determination’s packaging looks like a constipation cure and the bottle like alpine air freshener he’d keep in the downstairs loo – and Lewis gets a bit of a bashing (apparently there were THREE spelling mistakes on the box – I do like Sugar’s suggestion that PARFAM is cockney for Perfume though). Dean proudly states he was “instrumental in the smell” (of bullshit) but it quickly emerges that nobody trusted him to work alone. “It was like they were booking a babysitter for you” Sugar suggests.

Lottie takes responsibility for her poster (well she did it) but still considers it a classic and stands by it.

Numbers time. Boots ordered 8000 units of Determination for some ungodly reason, but Debenhams hated it.

Debenhams didn’t like Captivation but Boots, whilst concerned about not seeing the poster and thinking it needed some tweaks still went for 9000 units (SO NOT SEEING LOTTIE’S POSTER WON IT).

The girls are sent to get pissed on a speedboat whilst Empower skulk off to the sad café where Lewis looks on the verge of either tears or a Hulk smash.

Back in the boardroom and Pam is pulled up for not having any control over the team, meaning the product was disjointed. She points out that Lewis should have realised it doesn’t literally need to tell the story on the packaging. Lewis moans that Scarlet had more experience in girls products than him, but Karren snarks that he’s got the marketing degree whereas Scarlet works in recruitment and he concedes “she blew me out of the water”

Sugar turns to Dean “You’re so invisible I might ‘ave to start talking to you via a Ouija board!” (sick burn Sugz). Dean insists his business is ready to go. “The only person who thinks you contribute is you” rejoins Sugar. Lewis maintains that “at least I try (even if I fail)” and gets all emotional again. Sugar pretends he’s going to fire Pam “This was your opportunity to shine” but it’s no shocker when Dean is fired. The gormless twat launches into a speech after his “thanks for the opportunity” and Sugar dismisses him with a “Keep in touch” which Dean clearly thinks is serious “Will do!” Hahaha!

Dean has no regrets in the Taxi of Regret and says Sugar has missed out on him as a “young, fiery creative” (what?) and promises to stalk Sugar for ever as he “said stay in touch”.

Next week it’s interviews. Expect bollocks to be spoken, tears to be wept and ludicrous decisions to be made. If Scarlet doesn’t get to the final then I may well be out.

 

Liking:   Scarlett, Carina

Meh:, Lewis, Pamela

A Career in Twattery beckons for: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn, Iasha, Jemelin, Ryan-Mark,Thomas, Marianne, Dean

 

Dean reads the summons inviting the candidates to Battersea Depot (he pronounces it “De – POTT”) –

Ep 8 Dean reading.jpg

that arrives in a box of Hi Viz Vests (which confuse everyone – apart from Thomas – oh god my eyes!

Ep 8 Hi Viz

) where they are tasked with running corporate hospitality away days on steam trains with themes, catering, entertainment and (shudder) team-building exercises. They get to negotiate prices with corporate clients and most profit wins (although they could lose out through refunds if the clients are unsatisfied – as if).

Sugar plays Kingmaker and Lottie is made leader (ooh the power) of Unison (Dean, Scarlett, Carina) and Lewis is pulled over to join them.  Ryan Mark  is appointed PM of Empower ( Pam, Marianne and Thomas) . Ryan-Mark immediately decides this is all about luxury and as a man who sells posh knickers he knows about that. He wants to connect with the clients emotions via the theme of historical royals. Marianne argues that should be profit task (there she goes again – obsessed about profit), but Ryan-Mark haughtily reminds her that the client will have high expectations. It’s time to pick entertainment and it’s a toss-up between “String Sensation” ensemble and a contortionist called Claudia. Lewis has flashbacks to Titanic, sadly there wasn’t a contortionist scene (unless you count the cast swallowing their own artistic integrity) so the strings are in (Ryan Mark “that was MY thinking from the start” – of course it was, love). Thomas is well impressed gushing to camera that “Ryan Mark oozes luxury) but he’s still sent to be Pam’s number two in the catering subteam (although seeing as this involves food tasting it’s all luverly jubberly)whilst Ryan-Mark, Lewis and Marianne go off to the corporate client.

Lottie (basking in the glow of being Sugar’s “chosen one”) also thinks this task is “profit first and foremost”. Carina suggests a circus theme and Lottie amends it to 1920s jazzy greatest showman circus theme and plump for a juggling duo – could be fun on a train. Carina’s appointed sub team leader of the catering team due to her bakery knowhow. Scarlett is picked to join Lottie on the corporate team, and Dean’s nose is well out of joint (“I want to stress the importance of me being on the corporate team”). “I have full faith in you” Lottie soothes “Now GET IN THE KITCHEN CINDERS!” Dean looks wounded.

Off to the corporate clients. Ryan-Mark’s subteam visit STA travel who are holding a 40th anniversary and (surprise surprise) just want to get pissed (or a fun, exciting day). Marianne manages to gauge more information about their company which suggests they’re young and vibrant. Then Ryan-Mark hits them with his offer of a quintessentially British experience with musicians building the ambience and STA look a bit bored. We party all the time they say. There’s a stunned pause. STA argue down Lewis’s proposed £500 per person to £199.50, and get rid of the musicians, which is agreed far too easily (much to evil Claude’s chagrin). “This is a task about profit” he mutters grimly, before working a nurse to death for a pittance). Ryan Mark is dismayed that his splendid regal event will be reduced to a booze-choo choos (“This is meant to be luxury; this is the antithesis of luxury”).

Meanwhile Lottie and Scarlett meet Soft Drinks company Franklin and Sons and Lottie promises to personally provide Michelin Star service (I guess that’s a thing?). They suss out dietary requirements in advance and then talk money, offering £300 per head, which is argued down to £200 – the client suggest not bothering with the circus act and ask her to “pledge not to run out of drink”. Oh oh.

In the kitchens Thomas stuffs down pudding tasters like Greg Wallace on a sugar lower. Lottie phones and tells Carina alcohol is more important to the client and Carina worries she’s promised unlimited booze (which she sort of has). Lottie reckons a bottle per person should be enough. Lottie doesn’t know many real people. Carina worries they will expect unlimited alcohol and bless her orders 44 bottles to cover 15 people, plus the 4 bottles of prosecco Lottie demands for the reception. God love Carina she’s my sort of gal. Lottie also says the entertainment is cancelled. Carina’s not sure how having no jugglers would fit in with the circus theme and auditions them anyway spinning a sob story about the budget. Dean offers “no more than 100 125” – nice work fuckwit that’s 100 out of the question. They argue 145 then 135 and somehow end up shaking on 140 despite Dean screwing up haggling royally.

Just as Thomas and Pam agree the beef pie for £30 per head (what?!) Ryan mark phones and says the client want a lower cost experience and no musicians. Thomas is sad, he was looking forward to pretending to be in showbiz. “If I get the band to play for free can I have them?” he asks wistfully and he takes Pam to audition the Stringies anyhow, promptly falling in love and acting the big showbiz empresario – all he needed was a cigar and an entry on the sex offenders register. He tries to play the sob story and they offer him £20 off £250. He phones Ryan Mark and insists they need to book this band, admitting the cost. Ryan Mark agrees happily – handing up and declaring “Luxury is BACK in the business!”.

Next day 6am – Lottie grills Dean and Carina on the wine situation and Carina admits they bought 44 bottles. Lottie freaks out (“You went completely against what I communicated”) and then finds out about Carina booking the entertainment and has a little evil WHY CAN’T I CONTROL PEOPLE meltdown.

Ep 8 Lottie shocked

Dean begs Lottie not to put him in the kitchen again so she whisks him into her car like the white witch in Narnia, to plie him with Turkish Delight and get the dirt on Carina and whether she made the decision to “disregard” Lottie. Dean is only too happy to dob his teammate in.

ep8 lottie dean car

Carina’s phone rings. It’s Lottie. Demoting Carina as sub team leader. “Seeing as you are incapable of having any position of leadership”. Ooh”. Scarlett (with a bemused face) is put in charge of the kitchen

ep8 scarlet carina

as Lottie hangs up with a breezy “Have a really lovely day and I will speak you later bye”. Passive aggressive masterclass there.

Ryan Mark decides to bring Thomas onto Front of House for Hi-Energy and send Marianne to the kitchen with Pam because women like kitchens don’t they?

Marianne does a business burn suggesting Ryan-Mark is old and out of touch: “Do you think your disconnect with our target demographic is a problem?” (oof sick!).Ryan-Mark insists that however stretchy things might seem he’s not forcing a stretch or something.

Marianne suddenly wonders about vegans and calls the food supplier who says he can put on 2 vegan risottos for £50 (WTF? It’s rice and veggies! Go to a corner shop now!). Pam worries they will be in an awkward position if anyone has allergies. Lewis yells around to find out if there are any dietary needs (bit late). On a positive note the Incredible String Band goes down a storm. Even Evil Claude thinks it’s buzzing. And Ryan Mark is happy. He has his trusty knight.

ep8 king and knight

The receptions begin with Lottie promising STA “There will be no dry glasses today” before some alcy from Finance asks for a top up of Prosecco when it’s not even 12pm and the rest of the hobos from IT have sunk the lot already. Oh dear. Lottie offers orange juice as an alternative. Strangely it’s not snapped up.

We only get one shot of the jugglers who appear to be juggling children. Yewtree!

ep8 juggler

Lottie poshwomansplains how to do super-duper Michelin Star service to a nonplussed Dean who you sense doesn’t give a shit which glass is which and where the napkin should go (answers on a napkin please).

ep8 lottie dean train

Thomas  has the right idea bouncing in “who wants a drink? hands up” and bouncing out and back to hand out beers like he’s hosting a BBQ.

Lottie’s STILL trying to sort drinks out and bosses Dean to find some wine before running out to find said wine and, being incapable of opening it (“Oh bloody hell where’s Dean? DEAN!!!”) stalking off to find Dean (“Where the FUCK has Dean gone”) before bawling him out in front of the punters. Comedy gold.

Empower are behind on service (Ryan Mark “I’m getting more updates from the royal chef”) and rushes off to beast the kitchen skivvies (“Come on! We’ll be in London soon”).

ep8 king skivvies

A punter asks where the food is and he blames Marianne and Pam, although he fails to lend them a single hand. Anyhow despite Marianne’s best precautions one guest has a gluten intolerance – the ONE intolerance Marianne hadn’t prepared for (Actually there must be more, STA seem a very nice non-Brexity bunch). With the aid of an allergen list from the caterer they work out the only gluten free thing they have is a fruit salad which they decide to share as a main (A – isn’t that a fruit salad that either the gluten intolerant or someone else ordered for dessert? B – why not wash off some of the veggies from other meals sides and make a soup?) . Ryan Mark suggests they make the fruit salad look “as pretty as possible” and goes to talk to Jenna, the lactose intolerant, who’s very reasonable about it all (probably just weak and hallucinating by now). By the time her food arrives it gets a sarcastic round of applause from all assembled. Apparently she gets a bottle of wine compensation. At £200 a head make that 4!

Nom nom!

ep8 nom nom

Whilst Scarlett and Carina manage the food quite well, Lottie is so keen to assert her dominion over Dean (“take two plates at a time – well I can take three plates – would you know how to do that?”) ultimately having a mini meltdown forcing Carina to run from the kitchen and repeatedly beg for service.

There’s barely time for the teambuilding exercises – a fairly standard drawing challenge from Scarlet and Carina, and with seconds to spare some bizarre mime game with Lewis, and the 4 hours are up and they’re back at Victoria. Lottie’s already sharpening the knives for Carina.

In the Boardroom Lord Sugar describes Lottie and Ryan Mark as highly educated and eloquent. Hmmm. Lottie goes first talking about the circus theme and making sure NOT to mention Carina’s input. Her team take turns to give her a kicking for not understanding the client and giving the impression the booze would be bottomless. Carina states that Lottie demoting her could have affected team morale and Dean just thinks he was charming. Silly boy. Turns out Karren liked their grub though so it’s looking good for Unison.

Ryan Mark gets slammed for his obsession with luxury and utter failure to understand the company and to deal with food intolerances. He claims it was Marianne’s job to ask “company questions” and she failed. Bit of a broad remit there. He also gets called sexist for putting two women in the kitchen whilst the men did FOH (although it’s the same on Unison – a woman did front of house there too).

Sugar definitely has the hots for Thomas teasing him about loving the food tasting like he loved the lollies and toys (“Did you love the train?” “Yeah!”) and fell in love with the violinists.

Any scores are in: Empower spent £985 but had to refund gluten intolerant woman £200 despite her free wine so their profit was £1812.

Unison spent £871 and had to refund the alcoholics at STA 10% because their prosecco glass was dry for a millisecond. So profit was £1828. “Bloody hell!” gasps Lottie, as well she might – it’s just over £15 difference.

Winners are sent to learn the art of Sabbrage (?) which is opening a bottle of champagne with a sword. You could put someone’s eye out like that. She gets pissed and after slagging Carina all day says sorry and tells everyone they’ve been wonderful. Aww.

The losers play the blame game in the sad café with Ryan Mark STILL trying to blame Marianne for not asking about dietary issues when it transpires he has a fricking nut allergy.

Back in and Sugar quips their theme should have been the Hunger Games. Ho ho.

Thomas is reprimanded for booking the entertainers but he points out he consulted Ryan Mark, so no good whinging that Thomas went against his instructions. As Sugar points out “he phoned and you agreed”. Ryan Mark decides to bring Pam and Marianne back having stuck them in the kitchen for most of the task because they’re easy to blame and Marianne asked him awkward questions which he dislikes, and Thomas goes all Tarzan in his defence of Pam (who says she saved this task – er when? You LOST!). “I’m not avving it” he insists – wearing that knight in shining armour gear has clearly gone to his head (and he fancies Pam).

ep8 hero tom

Eventually Thomas goes all noble sacrifice and offers to take Pam’s place as he’s NOT having it. Ryan Mark’s all “OK if you want to so desperately – nudge nudge this will get rid of Marianne a bit quicker eh boys?” but makes the classic schoolboy error of attacking Thom again for his negotiation with the string band. Thomas points out he said the price and Ryan Mark now claims Thomas “bulldozed” him down the phone. Oh do me a favour. Marianne points out after Thom got the band Ryan Mark was dancing and shouting “I got my luxury”. Sugar tries to tease Thomas into thinking he’s getting fired but it’s no surprise it’s Ryan Mark – I’m just shocked he got a “with regret”. He flounces out to the Taxi of Doom announcing imperiously he’s going home to have a bath, some champagne and he’s never getting on a train with poor people again.

Thomas returns to a heroes welcome from Pam. “I’m like John Gotty (!)” he announces, “they can’t get me”.

Next time – the candidates have to mix a track into the “next big thing” and  what the actual fuck does most of this have to do with business?!

 

Liking:   Scarlett (just let her win already)

Meh:, Lewis, Carina, Marianne, Pamela

Finding almost endearing a small amount of the time: Thomas

Awful in almost complementary ways: Lottie, Dean

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn, Iasha, Jemelin, Ryan-Mark (It feels like Sugar’s finished the ethnic cleansing and is starting on the gays)

I miss the start of the show because I was in a Panto rehearsal (Oh no YOU were!), but the candidates were summonsed early doors to the London Stadium in Stratford (Up the ‘Ammers!) with their overnight bags where they’re greeted by Lord Sugz on the big screen (he can’t be there today cos he’s a Gooner and has apparently been called away on “Urgent Business” – as if). The tenuous link to the task is that the stadium helped rebrand Stratford whereas the candidates will be rebranding the country of Finland, best known as a winter destination, by creating an advertising campaign (logo and digital billboard) to entice UK holidaymakers there in the Summer months. Half of each team get to go to Finland and make a 30 second TV ad. Campaigns are pitched to industry experts and “best” one (as chosen by Sugar) wins.

Marianne and Thomas join Empower (Jemelin, Pam, Ryan Mark) where Jemelin puts herself forward to lead as she’s been to lots of countries and is a sun seeker. Ryan Mark bigs up his marketing experience but immediately backs down when asked if he’s putting himself forward. Marianne also chucks her head in the ring, saying she knows fluff all about marketing but does know the strength of her team members. Thomas plumps for Marianne, Pam for Jemelin so Ryan-Mark is the queenmaker with his casting vote and he loves it!

Ep7 RM Queenmaker

 

He chooses Marianne. Jemelin looks sad. Thomas is keen to find a new market and asks about the gay community. Ryan Mark is the expert (“Do you want to think about LGBTQ+”) and assures them it’s a “very broad” church and anyone can join, plus Finland isn’t just Sun, Saunas and Suicides – there’s also lots of Same-Sexery about there too and Helsinki Pride is the jewel in the Finnish Summer calendar. Marianne jumps on Helsinki pride as it attracts 100,000 people and they’re agreed. Marianne chooses Jemelin as sub team leader to go to Finland with Ryan Mark (who she wants “in front of the camera” presumably as he is now Team Gay) and Pam.

Lewis and Carina head to Unison, joining Dean (who’s already PM as Lord Sugar has marked his card), Scarlet and Lottie. Dean asks for thoughts about target markets and Lewis brings his travel knowledge to the foreground (“I think backpackers are AWESOME”) and Carina agrees with Dean also “leaning towards backpackers”. Lottie thinks “empty nesters are the best” cos she’s crazy and her grandparents and parents spend MONTHS abroad (and don’t tell her where they are). Dean is now “sliding towards the empty nesters” like an unimaginative jelly, but Lewis pushes backpackers and Dean is all “well you’re an expert Lewis”. Grow a set Dean! He chooses Lewis to lead Lottie and Scarlett on the Finland expedition whilst he and Carina work on the branding.

Marianne and Thomas pick out an actor for their video and settle on Hugo, a Che Guevara alikey who Thomas fantasises about sharing a nice hot-tub with Ryan Mark. Hmm.

Ep7 Hugo

In the car to Heathrow Lewis confesses he’s never been to Finland before but he did go out with a Finnish girl at University (until she Finnished with him haha). “I don’t think that’s the same” deadpans Scarlet.

The Finnish adventurers are given brochures before their flight of what delights they can film with Empower getting a woodland cabin, Sauna and Jacuzzi. Ryan Mark feels it should be targeted at a young couple who have just come from Helsinki Pride and are making their way to their cabin retreat. Jemelin likes the idea of showing the love of two people no matter what gender they are (she is fab) with lots of “actively hugging and possibly kissing” (Ryan Mark wants to check out the actor before committing to this). She does lots of big pictures with her hands whilst talking through her ideas but nobody takes any notes or storyboards and Karren is unimpressed.

Unison’s brochure features the rather crap “jetty on a lake” and they scribble out a storyboard with Lewis wanting 6 scenes, 5 seconds per scene. He’s already talking about “camera pans” so we have found our frustrated film director of the series. It’ll be hairs in the gate next.

Meanwhile in London everyone left heads to the marketing agency. Thomas is taking over as usual and creates a logo based around the Finnish flag. “Can we ave some tree outlines” he asks “I know – type in NORWEGIAN TREE”. Erm. “Finland tree” Marianne says – see he’s letting her have SOME input before ignoring all her other suggestions. The D of Finland becomes the Rainbow flag and the tag line is “Where Pride meets joy”.

Ep7 Pride Meets Joy

It’s all a bit “Strength through joy”. Also why are our gay people being urged to escape to Finland. Are the right wing going to start trying to purge them next?

Carina and Dean have come up with a strapline “Explore Finland; Experience Endless Adventure”. Carina’s doing most of the talking. “Have you got any immediate ideas?” she asks. “Er what do you think?” he responds lamely. He’s such a passenger maybe he should be their target audience. She basically comes up with the entire logo and his contribution is to make the font green to make it “outdooresque” (?).

Ep 7 carina logo

Over in gorgeous Finland the teams check out their filming locations and Ryan Mark proves to be a Hammock Wassock.

Ep7 RM Hammock wassock

Ep7 RM Hammock wassock2

At the Lake Lewis decides to promote safe sex with a giant femidom.

Ep7 Lewis femidom

He’s getting so into bossing around his cast and camera man (who’s even doing shots with a drone) that nobody else gets a look in. Scarlet looks amused by his alpha male running round with his kit off and his tats out going on about how great he is stylings.

At the Forest retreat Ryan Mark’s being very coy getting into that Jacuzzi. What’s under the bath robe love?

Ep7 RM jacuzzi

I mean Hugo’s got his revolutionary nips out and everything – don’t be shy!

Ep7 Hugo nips

Jemelin wants more romantic shots and panoramic shots and Pam tries to talk her into getting quick shots that can be edited into the 30 second ad, but I don’t think it makes any difference. Jemelin makes the classic error that it can all be handled in edit. Yes it can if you have a fricking year!

It’s starting to look a bit amateur porn.

Ep7 sauna porn

Later Jemelin has a major director hissy fit when Ryan Mark tries to tell her how to film a shot. Everyone else looks embarrassed and Pam has to break it up. Handbags!

Ep7 jemellin director hissy fit

Back in central London Carina’s trying to come up with ideas for the Piccadilly Circus billboard ads and Dean is still being a useless wonk who has clearly coasted through life nicking other people’s ideas so far.

Thomas shows Marianne his idea “just quickly” i.e. step by step and fully formed no argument will be brooked.

“So there’s this couple right at the Helsinki Pride”.

Ep7 couple at pride

Next they’re sitting in a blue circle that represents “a beautiful Jacuzzi. Bosh!” (Didn’t know Bosch made Jacuzzis). Marianne just caves in and films Thomas dressing like what he thinks gays dress dancing about with and hugging some random ad agency tea boy.

Ep7 marianne filming

Hardly Tom of Finland.

Tom is convinced this will attract people to Finland. Maybe to escape him? He ends up adding in lots of scenes of Helsinki Pride whilst Marianne worries fruitlessly about adding in some other shots of Finland. He just mansulks till she caves in again.

Still at least Dean and Carina are having fun.

Ep7 dean and carina

And Dean is also a hammock wassock. Lot of it about.

Ep7 dean hammock wassock

Dean has finally come up with something creative – he’s changed the colour background on Carina’s logo and added it to the billboard. “It’s so good it should be illegal” he smugs as Claude scowls in the backgrounds.

The teams view the billboard ads. Jemelin is concerned they’re JUST Helsinki pride and Thomas snaps that “it’s the biggest attraction for our community innit!” (What?). Lewis is unimpressed by Dean’s logo (Dean is all “good innit?”) and thinks the background colour should go back to white.

Whilst half of the teams edit the videos (and Jemelin becomes obsessed about showing every possible angle of a sauna whilst Lewis adds cheesy Euro techno pop to his ad to Lottie’s obvious disgust) the others go to gather market research on the big billboard ads.

The lovely Lesbians of Piccadilly circus think Finland looks really nice and open minded. The boring heteros moan that there’s no scenery in the ads. Marianne thinks they’ll need a counter argument to focusing on pride and puts Thomas in charge of this. Oh dear.

Nobody likes the black background logo in the Empower billboard ad and people find it “corny” but Dean keeps schtum about this.

It’s time to choose pitchers to face the travel experts and (wow!) the Head of Finland’s tourism.  Dean puts himself forward as “Lord Sugar wants me to step out of my comfort zone” and everyone else is “absolutely mate” (bye bye).  Dean’s pitch is a stuttering omnishambles, and the experts hate the black background on the logo, but he’s saved by Lewis and Scarlet who respond well to the awkward questions, although the Head of Finnish Tourism is unimpressed by Lewis’s musical choice and also thinks the ad doesn’t represent Finland, so Dean plots to blame Lewis for the filming.

Marianne chooses Thomas and Ryan Mark to pitch with her, peeving Jemelin and Pam who also went to Finland. Marianne leads and promptly cocks up saying LGDP er LGBT whilst Jemelin and Pam watch on a screen and do face palms. Thomas gets LGBTQ+ right and points out that by choosing a summer event they’ve highlighted that Finland is not just for winter. Ryan Mark shows the video which is so bad I love it. There’s a particularly endearing shot of Ryan Mark and Hugo awkwardly walking hand in hand in the woods and they manage to somehow make being gay look really dull and unsexy. “How does this advertisement relate to Finland please?” asks bemused Head of Finnish Tourism whilst Jemelin and Pam shout “Mention the FOREST” at the screen to no avail.

In the boardroom Sugar asks how he would know the backpackers video was set in Finland and Lottie points out there was a Finnish flag at the end of the jetty (as if most people in the UK would recognise a foreign flag). Sugar suggests that he could see Lottie adventuring in the outdoors with a Butler and a Hamper. “A Fortnum and mason hamper” she simpers (and I’m too tired to get a Lottie face screen gag or Claude’s WTF response face – sorry!). Carina gets in quick that she had all the ideas and Dean has the chutzpah to look wounded. Scarlet and Lewis got best feedback from the experts and to nobodies surprise Unison win in Sugar’s eyes for having most cohesive and better planned campaign (Ryan Mark is too embarrassed to even watch the advert), so they are sent to Chelski indoor ski slope and Empower are sent to the sad café. Marianne looks broken.

Back in the boardroom Sugz says that Finland is the happiest country (I thought it was one of the most depressed – oops!). Thomas gets stick for not listening to others and always thinking his ideas are the best, but Marianne also gets flack for not managing him and Jemelin’s directorial strop is raised. It’s also noted that Ryan Mark doesn’t put himself forward to lead (Marianne quite sharply points out that he only does so strategically when he knows he won’t be chosen) – so Marianne brings him and Jemelin back. Poor Jemelin is close to tears and is of course fired. In the taxi of despair she says she came to the UK from Venezuela with nothing and spoke no English and went through homelessness and cleaning toilets. Perhaps she was too diverse for Lord Sugar. I’m pleased she gets a good reception on “You’ve Been Fired” bless her).

Ryan Mark’s Card is Marked and he says he will fight to be PM next time, clarifying in the house that it doesn’t mean he would win the vote. Oh so sneaky!

Next week the teams lay on corporate hospitality on a chuff chuff train. Hurrah!

 

Liking:   Scarlett (she should win – as long as Mockney barrow boy doesn’t!)

Meh:, Lewis, Carina, Marianne, Pamela, Ryan-Mark

Twats: Thomas, Lottie, Dean

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn, Iasha, Jemelin

(quick quiz – what do most of those names have in common? By virtue of being American and Irish Marianne and Pam are probably the most ethnically diverse candidates left!)

3.30am sees our candidates summoned to Thorpe Park. Clearly Sugar, Karren and Claude are still in bed and just send dodgy holograms to set the task –

Ep 6 holograms

which is to design and brand a rollercoaster with a 3D Video simulation and pitch it to industry “experts” with the best “concept” winning. Very bloody existential.

Over on Unison (Marianne, Thomas, Dean, Iasha, Scarlet, Lottie) Tom wants to lead as he has a vision already, but Lottie steps on him for getting carried all messianic creator-god-nutter with Tommy the turtle in the toy task. Tom’s convinced he could create the best ride in the world, but it ain’t happening on Lottie’s watch. Scarlet just wants the fighting to stop and puts herself forward, Lottie backs her and shoots Tom a  “Take THAT you mockney fucker!” face. There is a Lottie face for every episode.

Ep 6 lottieface

Thomas’s idea is it’s the  year 3000 and everything is falling apart, but no it’s not Brexit it’s the earth’s gravitational pull, it’s gone and only Thomas can bring it back by riding lots of loops on a rollercoaster. Everyone says they’d go on such a ride so Scarlet’s happy and puts Tom, Lottie and Iasha on the design team. Lottie wants to lead just so she can make Thomas her bitch and Scarlett agrees. “You guys happy?” she asks. NO! Tom is not happy – he wants to sell his story. Lottie points out him getting enthusiastic just to scupper his chances and Scarlett insists that Lottie is subteam leader. Thomas moans that Scarlet’s a nice girl but “not too bright sometimes”. At least he gets to play on rollercoasters with Lottie who warns everyone to take notes and not just enjoy themselves… oh sod it! “Wooooooh!” . I guess Tom’s feet need airing? Or maybe this is how he guarantees nobody sits next to him?

Ep 6 tomfeet

Carina wants to lead Empower and Pam, Lewis, Jemelin, Ryan-Mark let her. Easy. She’s had the idea of the ride representing dreams and nightmares – so there will be a big drop, like those dreams where you fall. Thankfully you don’t also lose all your clothes, your hair and teeth and then shit yourself. Carina leads the design team with Pamela and Jemelin and Ryan-Mark and Lewis get to do marketing. But first they have to research.

TO SAW (the rollercoaster).

Ep 6 RM roller

I could watch Ryan Mark’s unholy screaming and passionate gasps “of Lewis”  on repeat. His face keeps flipping from horror to sexy and back whilst Lewis just laughs. Blissfully unaware.

Ep 6 RM roller2 sexy

Probably my moment of the series already. And Ryan Mark’s by the looks of things.

Ep 6 RM roller3

Marianne leads brainstorming – apparently the rollercoaster is a spaceship going around the earth then around the moon then around the earth then … repeat until Karren vomits. Lottie suggests they should go for one more loop than the loopiest rollercoaster in the UK (which has 14) to give it a USP. Tom looks sad as it’s taking everything away from him. “Happy Thomas?” asks Lottie. “Very happy” he sulks. Get a room! Tom does come up with the name “The final Loop” and draws a rocket ship looping away from the earth. Lottie may as well just pat him on the head “Fantastic Tom that’s exactly what I had in mind”. Lottie asks if Iasha has anything to add and apart from the fact she’d scribbled  similar picture she says no. Oh oh. Meanwhile Marianne adds yet another USP of going to 120mph in less than 1.5 seconds and the ride being fired from a catapult and suddenly there’s rather a lot of USPs making them all a bit less erm unique.

Next door Carina,  Pam and Jemelin wonder if falling is more secure forwards than backwards. Claude worries that the backward drop is too innovative and has thus been rejected already. It all sounds like something Health and Safety would frown at.

Ryan Mark brings his ladies knickers creativity to the branding board and comes up with the name “Insomnia” drawing a green eye with a scary hand in it which Claude points out looks like an Alien movie poster. It’s sent back to the design team and Jemelin asks “how are they going to have a nightmare if they’re awake?”

Time to design a poster and Thomas and Lottie don the tinfoil and gimpy specs for a Star Wars theme (ish).

Ep 6 gimps

Tom wants to have the spaceship look like the rollercoaster carriage in the poster and Lottie is so determined to stop him having his own way that she puts her foot down, even though he’s making sense (Lottie “All we have done is listen to you all bloody day… I’ve made my decision – if you don’t like it tough”) and they waste so much time arguing that they don’t put any of the USPs on the poster so Scarlet is sad with the end product. She asks how the team got on and Thomas grumbles that Lottie let herself down. Lottie’s straight in there over-reacting “I let MYSELF down. You let the ENTIRE TEAM down”. Hmm. Scarlet sensibly decides to send Lottie, Iasha and Marianne to get consumer feedback whilst Thomas stays on her pitching team as she can “sense conflict”. No shit.  The consumers say the loops sounds too fast and the USPs should be in the poster.

Ryan Mark puts on a scary mask whilst the designer is meant to make Lewis look like he hasn’t slept (Ryan Mark “Your skin looks awful” Lewis “Erm he’s not done anything yet”).

Ep 6 Lewis RM

Ryan Mark is modestly convinced he’s done “an amazing job”. Carina however thinks the logo screams “alien”. Then all the consumer feedback says aliens and Ryan Mark looks a bit sniffy before suggesting that they may have to “deflect from aliens” in the pitch. Carina decides to surround Jemelin with the rest of the team dressed as monsters to represent her nightmare before Jemelin gets her BIG LINE:

“What a horrible nightmare” she deadpans. “With passion?” suggests Carina.

Pitch time and Thomas says “HELLO to my fellow space warriors” and to be fair there is a touch of the drug paraphernalia about him.

Ep 6 space warrior

“We’re in trouble and we need your help” he says and you can see the audience thinking “We’re not helping you zip up your space suit – you messy bacofoil Vegas Elvis – no sirree!”

The ride simulation is launched and the guests get to experience it by the chairs literally chucking them about – even knocking one kid’s glasses off.

Ep 6 bye bye 3d specs

Karren looks a bit green round the gills. No change there then.

Ep 6 karren

There’s a few sharp intakes of breath and a smattering of applause. The park director admits she felt sick and Marianne suggests that they hope the loops slow down before nausea commences. The other expert likes the name and logo but wants to know why the rollercoaster isn’t in the poster. Iasha tries to work her magic by responding that they wanted to show the theme and take the customer into the story. She’s asked how customers would know about the world records if it’s not on the poster (and to be fair isn’t the number of loops just a British record) and Iasha says if it really matters to them “we could incorporate it”.

Next up is Insomnia and surrounded by sub-Halloween freaks, Jemelin FLUFFS HER BIG LINE.

“That was a horrible dream”. (shit!)

Ep 6 jemelin

Silence apart from the sound of Carina thinking “The line was fucking NIGHTMARE. I give you ONE thing to do!”

The ride starts and I like the bit where everyone gets squirted with an unknown liquid. That will go down well in the current climate. There are a few screams and a big round of applause at the end. Jemelin says she’s always looking for the next ride. Aren’t we all?

Ryan Mark explains his logo as a “nightmarish figure”. “But it’s an alien” an expert points out. “No it’s whatever you want it to be” Ryan Mark suggests. It’s an alien hooker. Ace.

Despite the screaming Paul the expert says he definitely wasn’t scared and didn’t poo his pants – YOU pooed your pants, but Carina sticks to her guns by saying they will focus on the going backwards part as a feature.

Boardroom time and Sugar wants to know what the weird blobs in the Final Loop video are. “They’re asteroids” says Scarlet. “Don’t you get them from sitting on your arse?” Sugar “quips” and watch Dean laugh it up – only his cold dead eyes tell you how shit that joke really was. What a toady!

Ep 6 dean

Karren says the experts found Thomas so “charming” they could listen to him all day. Ugh. At least he blushes.

Ryan Mark admits he was traumatised by the ride with Lewis (so was Lewis – I think his thigh still has claw marks in it). They are becoming quite the double act – with Lewis defending Ryan Mark’s logo as the hand representing “you trapped inside your own mind” (dude!).

Anyhow the experts all voted and Insomnia won because the concept was simpler and the backwards drop was unique. So Empower get to go and eat whilst dangling above the O2. That’s a treat in today’s world apparently.

Poor Unison don’t even get the bridge Café. Their Sad café is a corrugated shack. Tom thinks if only he’d been in charge they’d have won.

Back in and Dean immediately starts agreeing with any previous criticism “it was always going to make people nauseous”. Lottie does at least own up to stymying Tom’s suggestion of the rollercoaster in the picture. “Why?” asks Sugar. “I had to take the reins” she says. “But he was RIGHT!”

Marianne’s asked who should go and admits everyone made mistakes, so Sugar suggests ordering a minibus until she plumps for Iasha. Lottie likes the idea of 2getting rid of dead wood” (Miaow!) and also suggests Dean who gets all hissy fitty. Scarlet’s unsure who to bring back out of Iasha, Dean and Lottie, so Sugar saves her the effort and sends Tom and Marianne back to the house and brings the other four back in.

Scarlet does her best to be diplomatic (“Dean you add value more from the backseat”) and Lottie piles on. Dean points out Lottie doesn’t get on with anyone (“I wouldn’t do business with you”) and she retorts that her “aim is not to get on with everybody” but “to be a success”. Sugar’s a bit incredulous so she keeps repeating this as if she’s trying to reword it and explain but instead is stuck on a mental bitch loop.

Poor Iasha makes a spirited defence of herself but still sounds too much like Mavis from Corrie for Sugar to do business with her so she’s fired. Not even with regret bless her – she deserved better. In the taxi of regret she insists she needed more time. Not really that sort of show love.

Sugar thinks Lottie is “controversial” (that’ll be the racist WhatsApp messages) and dean is wet and then gets a coin out to flip and Lottie looks terrified but it’s just to decide which of them will PM next and Dean wins. So it’ll be bye bye Dean in the next task seeing as Sugar seems to be cleansing the series of gays and ethnic minorities (and as Dean seems to be a bit rubbish).

Back at the house – Tom looks DELIGHTED to see Lottie. And with ten left, Ryan Mark thinks “more wood needs to be burnt” – harsh.

Next time they have to create an ad campaign to rebrand Finland – and I’m humming the Monty Python song already.

 

Liking:  Jemelin, Scarlett, Marianne

Warming to: Ryan-Mark, Lewis

Meh: Carina, Pamela, Dean

Nah: Thomas, Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn, Iasha

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So continuing from last week the teams have to scour Oxbridge for random shit to buy armed with maps and local directories but sadly not Google – least spent wins and there’s penalties (twice cost price) for missed items from the list (mostly true) of 12 freshly laid eggs, a bushel of apples, a freshly ravaged pigs head, a University plate with 31 crests on it, a rigga jigga (hmm?), snaffle (egg butt specification), quant, Toad, a mortar board and a pre-world war II edition of Alice in Wonderland – which completely stumps the teams who barely know what books are never mind when the Second  War started or ended. “Were our parents alive then?” muses Marianne.

Marianne volunteers to lead Unison, so naturally Lottie is straight on her case, putting herself forward at great length as she has “knowledge of Oxford” and strong strategic skills etc etc etc. Sadly the rest of the team (Iasha, Dean, Thomas & Scarlet) choose Marianne giving Lottie another opportunity to do a hacky vengeful look.

ep 5 Lottie face

Naturally Lottie knows that a snaffle goes over a horses snout. I get the feeling they could have saved paying for one and just dug one out of her luggage. Marianne gets all obsessed with the game aspect of a treasure hunt “We don’t need to get a University plate – we could just buy a random plate and stick 31 crests on it” (yes cos getting 32 items rather than one would be SO MUCH EASIER). Lottie warns again about being penalised for thinking too much outside of the box. Marianne lets Lottie lead Dean and Thomas in Cambridge on a quest of Rigga Jigga, apples and eggs and the power naturally goes to Lottie’s head as she insists on having the final say on any negotiation.

Nobody wants to be the PM over on Empower so Jemelin puts herself forward despite knowing sod all about Oxford or Cambridge. Ryan Mark puts his hat in the ring (“I once visited Oxford on a school trip”) yet promptly votes for Jemelin to lead (alongside Carina, Pam, Riyonn and Lewis), insisting he believes “she will be a fantastic PM”. Oh so sneaky! Nobody knows what a mortar board is, with Riyonn vaguely remembering a plasterer holding one in a porno once or something. In the absence of a plan, Ryan Mark suggests Cambridge might be better for apples and eggs and is picked alongside Carina for Jemelin’s sub team. Meanwhile Riyonn gets to lead Pam and Lewis around Oxford for all the obscure items (as he points out “We got Quant and Snaffle – you got apples, eggs and bread). I’m already wondering why they can’t just phone up Tourist Information in both places so they actually know where they should be looking for what – but that would be sane.

Whilst the voiceover tells us that Toad is vodka from Oxford Carina of course is convinced it’s bread. Whilst Marianne finds out Toad is a gin from Oxford, Pamela is getting exactly the same information for Empower. “Is there a bread version?” she asks. When told it’s definitely a gin she dismisses it breezily “OK maybe it’s a different thing”.

Lottie leads her chaps to the farm shop where she instructs them to go in “friendly nice and warm”. They have to collect their own freshly laid eggs just so we can watch Lottie taking her heels off to hop over the chicken wire into the chicken shit and pick up the goods. The cost is £2 a dozen – argued down to a quid because they’re “From London” (like that would work in real life) and Lottie’s saved them on labour. £1 saved. Amazing! Having said that Ryan Mark pays £2.75 for his eggs so every little might count.

Ryan Mark also manages to source a “bushel” (he seems to pronounce it in the Matt Berry style) and argue from £55 to £45.

Someone also explains to Pam that a mortar board is a clever hat for graduates. Christ almighty. They find one in a joke shop and Pam is all “WE NEED THAT HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO CHARGE ME?” Joke shop woman says £4.99 and firmly resists Pam’s haggling (“God luck with that – I happen to know this is the only joke shop with one of these for miles so I’ve got something nobody else has which you need”) before taking slight pity on them and parting with it for £4.70. An embarrassing 29p saved. Later on Thomas appears to buy a mortar board from the same joke-shop. “I’ve always wanted one of these” he burbles and Claude pulls a “For Fuck Sake!” face.

ep 5 Claude face

Riyonn find where to buy a snaffle but decides to leave it until the end of the day. What could go wrong?

In an antiquarian bookshop under the dreaming spires, Scarlet bonds with Christopher a lovely old book codger who shows her an 1878 copy of Alice in Wonderland in it’s original binding for £200. “I think you and me could work well on this Christopher” she ripostes “I have £30 in mind”.

I do think they have chemistry. Christopher chemistry.

ep 5 christopher

She manages to argue him down to £175 (I think he’s just flirting) and asks if he will reserve it for a couple of hours as it is a lot of money – FOR A COLLECTOR’S PIECE. Marianne’s convinced she can get away with buying a reprint haggled down from £7.99 to £4.99 as the STORY is pre-war – but Scarlet is all angsty about it.

Thomas meanwhile has found a “bushel” of apples in terms of the amount – but the boxes are all cardboard. He suggests buying them anyhow and looking for the box, but they cost £64 and the woman on the till is all “that’s not my decision to make” when they try to haggle her down to £30. Meanwhile Lottie spots a crate that looks like a bushel but nothing seems to come of it as underling woman comes back with the final offer from her masters of £35 and they buy the apples and sod off.

Carina Jemelin and Ryan Mark get hideously lost in Cambridge looking for Toad round all the baker shops. “Let’s position ourselves” Jemelin suggests and they head (hurrah) to the library – only to find the sort of helpful library service that we can only dream of.

This woman has heard of nothing. (I hope she’s just having a laugh).

ep 5 Librarian

Everyone thanks her for being so helpful and they don’t even sound sarcastic – how do they do that?

Back in the ONLY BOOKSHOP in Oxford, Riyonn has been welcomed to Christopher’s lair.

ep 5 christopher2

Christopher uses his dark energy to also bond with Riyonn – then shows them the same sodding book and offers to hold it for an hour at £200.  Jemelin asks if he can argue it down to £90. These people have no idea. Riyonn discovers that other bookshops in Oxford are selling pre-war copies for up to £1000 and this is some serious shit.

Lottie asks Tom to lead with her for the Rigga Jigga which is a boat spanner. Thomas is straight in there with the nut-tightening bloke (“Right we need to buy this off ya how much do you need”). It’s revealed they cost a tenner to replace and it’s a very special spanner as it tightened the nuts on that boat that did the boat race (all the Rigga Jigga salesmen say this I reckon). Lottie worries Thomas is stepping outside of his remit so asks the Rigga Jigga man if he would be “kind enough to accept 12”. Huge kudos to him, he doesn’t double take at the insanity, but instead clearly takes the piss (“What about £15?”) which Lottie utterly misses. Before Thomas’s head explodes they shake on £12. What just happened?  Later Lewis meets the same bloke – asks how much, gets told a tenner and buys the  rigger jigger for 3 quid.

Lottie gives Marianne a snotty phone-call “Have you actually been able to buy anything yet?” and Marianne brags that she’s bought the book (“It was the ORIGINAL story” oh oh!) before being forced to admit it’s a recent reprint. Everyone facepalms and Dean points out that if the REAL pre-war book costed £175 the penalty would be double that. Scarlet’s still angsting about it but Marianne is fixated on spending less.

Ryan Mark gets the info that a Quant is a Punting Pole. Unfortunately he doesn’t know what a stupid punt is. Eventually Cambridge puts him right and they head TO THE RIVER (eventually) where Thomas is already negotiating with a smug bloke who insists on £200. Thomas offers £40. Lottie decides to get involved and go to £60, I mean what the actual fuck? Thomas uses his white male sexist skills to control this rapidly deteriorating situation “Just one second dahhling” and normally I’d be up in arms but she is being such a numpty. Thomas offers to settle it with a toss – of a coin – if smug bloke wins Thomas pays £50 otherwise £40 – Thomas loses but in a way he’s just saved a tenner. Lottie is incensed that he resorted to gambling in a negotiation – despite the fact he actually took the price down. He just stares out of the car window and grins.

By the time Ryan Mark reaches the river only Patrick is there on his point. “I love your pole!” exclaims Ryan Mark. “EASY!” warns Patrick who then insists that quants cost over £200 new and seeing as his one is old and tatty he can only accept £140. It’s argued down to £125 and Ryan Mark and team run off laughing with their pole whilst Patrick rubs his hands together. It wasn’t even his punt I bet.

Like a nice version of a Richard Curtis film there’s a last minute dash to the Bookshop with Riyonn getting in first and arguing down the book price to £165 (Christopher flirts both ways). Clutching his treasure Riyonn leaves the shop (“This book is the BANE OF MY LIFE” – what the story of a child out of their depth having to pass through various challenges and ultimately at the whim of power mad lunatics? I think it would be worth a read).

Seconds later (in telly time) Scarlet arrives and Christopher has to admit he sold the book as he hadn’t heard from her and it was getting late. Scarlet is all “Oh Christopher I thought we had a thing” but he reveals there is ANOTHER book, even more expensive at £225 which is also pre-war and in exchange for just a little bit more publicity he lets Scarlet haggle that down to £170.

So it’s time for Riyonn to but the Snaffle out of town but as the traffic is so bad he has to abort the mission and leg it to the meeting point in Oxford before the deadline. Everyone manages to get back in time, although Ryan Mark is practically mopping himself with the map at the sheer effort.

Boardroom time and Lord Sugz mocks Lottie for always being passed over as PM with a Passover gag cos he can. Dean says Lottie’s subteamleadership was like being “led by school teacher” and grasses up her unconventional haggling technique. Lottie is insistent there’s no room for gambling in business and predictably Sugar corrects her (“business IS a gamble!”) but she’s having none of it.

Marianne admits World War II started later from her perspective which confused her so Sugar can take the piss out of the Yanks for always turning up late. Sadly she doesn’t tell him we’d all be speaking German if it wasn’t for her parents … or grandparents.. or whoever it is was alive back then.

Sugar points out (to Lottie’s horror) that Empower thought the mortarboard was a plasterer’s erm thingy. “Did you think Quant was a Latin swear?” he quips.

Anyhow scores are in:

Empower got 7 items on which they spent £351.20 but with all the penalties that became £631.20

Unison got 8 items and spent £304.49 with only one fine so £369.49 . They are sent to do indoor rowing with an Olympic Champ. Sounds er great.

Empower head to the Sad Café for recriminations and Nescafe. Ryan Mark sticks the boot into Jemelin (“You couldn’t make decisions – you’re a bad leader and a bad manager!”) – brave when she could clearly destroy him with a fingernail.

Back in the boardroom Sugar picks on Jemelin for putting herself forward when she knew fuck all (because nobody else – not even Ryan Mark – would have put themselves forward if she hadn’t?).

Pam’s outed for having been told Toad was a gin (apparently the fine was £250 – which Carina the fucking “Toad is bread” obsessive points out) but she can’t remember the call.

Ryan Mark’s team purchased nothing in 5 hours whilst twatting about and they blame Jemelin. Of course they could have phoned and asked for direction but that would be mental.

Sugar reveals that they only got 2 items cheaper than the other team – so questions their negotiation skills.

Jemelin brings back Ryan Mark and Riyonn. Pam and Carina dodge bullets.

Sugar lays into Jemelin for her lack of leadership skillz and at first she foolishly tries to argue (“I am a great leader”) before settling for “At least I tried (out of my comfort zone)” platitudes.

Riyonn gets stick for having excuses for not getting the snaffle until he owns up to making a “mistake with time management and location”.

Sugar tells Ryan Mark he’s a (weather)cock who backed Jemelin as PM until it was clear they’d lost and Jemelin gets all feisty on Ryan Mark’s ass (“You wanted to save your neck!”) adding that she lost all respect for him the moment he voted for her to be PM (“Just to save yourself!”). “This is a conspiracy!” bleats Ryan Mark and then he blames Riyonn for not mentioning that Toad is a gin. “You’re very good at pointing the finger!” slams Jemelin.

So it’s time for them to justify their existence to Sugar. Ryan Mark wants to prove himself. Riyonn claims he’s just been unlucky to be on the losing team 5 times. Jemelin does the hard working immigrant story (“I came here 16 years ago, didn’t speak the language and worked my er (DON’T SAY BALLS) backside off”). I like her even though she wasn’t the best leader – and hope for the show’s sake they can stop firing people from minority or alternative backgrounds. Sugar clearly thinks the same as he lets her stay (with a marked card).

Ryan Mark is dismissed as “eloquent but a little bit slippery” which Sugar finds worrying but in the end Riyonn is fired as Sugar’s not convinced by him. HOMOPHOBE! (joke).

In the Taxi of despair Riyonn regrets the lost opportunity – FOR LORD SUGAR THAT IS! Ha.

Everyone back home is used to Ryan Mark glamming his way back in but seem shocked to see Jemelin, who is full of dark hyperbole (“UNTIL you sit in that Board Room you have NO IDEA what this game is about!”).

Next week they have to design a roller coaster – again – what could POSSIBLY go wrong?!

 

Liking:  Iasha, Jemelin, Scarlett

Warming to: Lewis

Meh: Carina, Pamela, Marianne

Disliking: Thomas, Dean

Pantomime Baddies: Lottie, Ryan-Mark

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn (won’t miss spelling his name again)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 4 it’s stupid o’clock and Ryan Mark huskily takes the call (sounding like a sexy camp chat line)

RM Phone Ep4

summoning the candidates to the Transport Museum where they all stand in front of a bus (foreshadowing someone being throwing under one) to get the tenuously linked task of designing and pitching an electric bike (apparently it’s the fastest growing cycle sector due to lazy sods that don’t do pedalling) and picking accessories to sell at a launch event. Most money made wins.

Buses ep4

Lottie reassures the girls that her having been in the final three last week was actually great “because I was able to have a one on one conversation and now know Lord Sugar far better than any of you”. More spin than that lasses head in the Exorcist.

The teams pick glorious leaders. Over on Unison (Lubna, Lottie, Marianne, Thomas, Scarlet, Riyonn) Lubna doesn’t even know how to ride a bike but she does have “good vision”. However Lottie’s family all own leccy bikes and her partner “used to own a bike company” (he was a pimp right?). Thomas sticks his oar in as he’s designed “a lot of pillows” and therefore as a white man he’s almost unanimously elected.

Empower (Carina, Pam, Jemelin, Iasha, Dean, Ryan-Mark, Lewis) have an easier task as Iasha mousily admits she designs electric products and is immediately anointed as PM.

Carina’s keen on a foldable commuter bike, but Iasha’s thinking yummy mummy with long and convoluted back-story and comes up with “Sophisticated Sarah” – and whilst Carina’s concerned it’s too niche, Iasha insists that “parents are a big market”. Good point. Iasha and Pam brainstorm in the car to the design studio whilst ignoring Dean’s suggestions. They think Sophisticated Sarah would like the brand name Aphrodite (maybe she’s looking for a sex toy online and oops she’s bought a bike by mistake). At the design agency she launches into Sophisticated Sarah’s life story whilst the others dig their fingernails into their palms in frustration. They end up with a design that looks like a blue lego folding toothbrush (admittedly I wasn’t wearing my specs) and Iasha wastes ages worrying that the tyres are too “aggressive” for sophisticated Sarah. Pam reasons that she doesn’t think Sarah gives a monkeys about tyres as she’s too busy organising dinner parties and living her best life by hoovering baby sick up with a diamante Dyson.

Aphrodite Ep4

Thomas’s vision (whilst Lottie throws him evils) is more mature people trying to get fit and Marianne comes up with a banal tagline about “pushing the boundaries” which they all lap up. Lottie wants to head up the design team but Thomas insists on choosing Marianne even though Lottie points out regularly she DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A BIKE! He sends off Marianne, Lottie and Riyonn to design something that whilst being “the nuts” is also “nice and classy”. Poor Lottie feels that all her ideas are being ignored (although “ENER-G” and “Bye-Cycle” are shit) and is upset when Marianne suggests “Boundary” and Riyonn goes for it when nobody else but her actually HAS A BIKE! Riyonn suggests he’s “feeling burnt orange” (I had him down as a spray tanner) for the colour and Marianne’s all over it, adding red trim to the frame and wheels. Riyonn would prefer white trim, but Lottie argues it would get dirty (whereas he argues he’d just rinse it down). Karren observes they’re missing their target market. I think the white rocket Riyonn adds to the front confirms that.

The subteams choose accessories and Lewis (having seen the show before) suggests being enthusiastic about everything. Including the testicular “Rear bike lights” (Ryan Mark “I’ve never seen a pair of balls like that”)

balls ep4

and “Flashing Helmet” (Ryan Mark “etc etc). Jemelin and Ryan Mark both seem to appreciate the model wearing the tight bright lycra brand (Jemelin: “I’m South American guys – OK?”).

Jemelin Lycra ep4

Everyone prefers the helmet.

Thomas’s strategy is to try to bully the accessories sellers to drop their retail prices whilst apparently giving no shits about the products. Because the helmet man won’t play ball they end up stuck with the lycra.

It’s time for the subteams to communicate back and Thomas and Scarlet are unimpressed by the name “Boundary” and the fact the bike looks like a retro acid flashback (Scarlet: “What 40 year old man wants a white rocket on the front of a bike” – all of them love. Thomas “What bloke is gonna wanna drive a bike with red wheels like a 4 year old?” The gay ones love). They decide to rename the bike and not tell the subteam (after all Thomas reasons, “They ignored me like a muppet”) and go for E-Fit. Cos it’s electric and gets you fit. He beasts poor Matt the design bloke to do his bidding until BOSH “Come on gels let’s get out of here I’m hungry”. What a twat.

Meanwhile Ryan Mark doesn’t mind Aphrodite but thinks the bike wouldn’t appeal to Sophisticated Sarah (who he has personally sold lingerie to). Even if it does have a sodding basket.

Accessories time. Empower are happy with their helmets. Over on Unison at least Riyonn thinks the lycra is cute. Marianne worries it’s kind of feminine and Lottie is sad Thomas told the helmet man to do one as everyone wears helmets whereas she reckons adventure cyclists tend not to wear lycra. Thomas responds in his trademark mockney bluster “Well why would they need a helmet if they were off the road” (complete tool isn’t he). “Well Tom you’re already selling it to me” she soothes with burning sarcasm.

Lottie finally notices the bike isn’t “Boundary” and Thomas admits to changing the name and there’s a mahoosive row as redwheelgate comes out with Riyonn and Marianne both blaming Lottie. Whilst she’s evil incarnate they’re wrong on this.

Consumer Feedback time and Unison approach a bloke who says “you don’t often see red rims on bikes” (there’s a joke in there somewhere) and a woman says E-Fit makes her think of cigarettes.

Efit ep4

Empower approach a lot of women who agree that Aphrodite sounds feminine but are confused by it being blue (gender stereotyping ahoy) and think it’s more for commuting and they wouldn’t buy it anyhow.

Iasha, Carina and Dean prepare the launch and Iasha sets starting price for her horrible bike of £1700 with last ditch price as £1000. Ryan Mark brings the consumer feedback about it being more commuter-based.

Thomas sets the price for E-Fit as £1200 with £800 as a minimum. Oh oh.

The retailers all arrive and Marianne pitches e-fit competently whilst Iasha squeaks on about Sophisticated Sarah in her pitch for Aphrodite and hardly mentions the bloody bike it’s all “Sarah’s having a break in her career cos she can afford it, Sarah’s having a coffee, Sarah’s having a poo but her poo smells of patchouli and comes out in little bento boxes cos she’s so fucking sophisticated”.

Poor Scarlet and Lubna have to dress in the colourful lycra to sell it (Lubna failing notably bless her) whilst Thomas hangs around them in a Hawaiian shirt like he’s their pimp. Oh no wait he’s putting lycra on and getting his belly out and I have to go bleach my mind.

Thomas mind ouch ep4

Marianne gets a chance to flog efit to Halfords (or is it Evans) and the blokes not sure about the colour so rather than saying “This is our prototype we can consult our design team on alternative colour schemes” she says “certainly sir let me drop the price by loads”. Duh.

Meanwhile Carina sells 125 units at £1300 and Iasha looks sad as it’s not the end of the day yet, but Carina’s attitude screams “oh just do one I just made 160k”.

Lottie manages to get a deal on 20 bikes for 24,000 and the retailer says they would take 25 at 1000 each, but when she consults Marianne she’s told to take the deal they shook on. Lottie looks sad. Karren looks bemused.  “In future if you look back at me I won’t give you an answer if that’s what you want” sharks Marianne, who is becoming the queen of Passive Aggressiveness in this episode.

Iasha spends ages waffling about the product to argue a bloke into buying 4 units rather than 3 (he would have said anything to get away at that point – missed a trick there Iasha). At the end of the day she sweetly and timidly tells everyone they’ve done a good job and she still stands by “Sophisticated Sarah”.

Thomas meanwhile is full of himself.

So it’s Boardroom time or as Sugar’s writers so wittily put it “The Great British Bike Off”. *tumbleweed*

Thomas double takes at the mention of “Sophisticated Sarah”. Empower complain about Iasha’s dithering. Ryan Mark looks distasteful at the recollection of the rear backlights “which were shaped like..” [gasps & clutches pearls, spits it out] “TESTICLES!”. Sugar thinks they would have been useful hung on a chopper. Hurl hur. Sigh. Unison argue about who was responsible for design and have no idea who sorted the pricings. Looking good.

Anyhow results time.

Unison made £14200 on lycra outfits and £423500 on bikes making £437000 – like it matters as Empower made over 1.2 fricking million quid on bikes alone with £22,410 on helmets making £1,265,210! Blimy o’criky etc. Even Thomas looks impressed and the rest of Unison stop slagging off Iasha for a bit in order to thank her (they go off go-kart racing where Dean manages to slag her off to VT for poor decision making – but she made over a million quid on those bikes and I don’t think the sales skills are THAT amazing in her team).

Thomas and his “friends” head off to sad café where Marianne has a proper American style go at him “People don’t want to follow you! You beat people down emotionally. You need to learn how to lead” (she also thinks he wants to throw her “under the bus” – so nice foreshadowing earlier eh). Ouch. Thomas just bemoans not going on the bike selling team.

Anyhow back in the boardroom Marianne lies that she had concerns about the choice of burnt orange as bike colour. Sugar points out the obvious that efits are photos of criminals. Thomas admits he doesn’t know how his pricing was sorted out and says he would have sold more bikes if he was on the other team, but Sugar points out that the other team sold more units at higher prices to the popular bike retailers so it’s a pricing fail as WELL as a sales fail. (For example Riyonn sold 125 at £880 whereas Carina sold the same amount for £1300). Despite this clearly being the case for the task fail Thomas brings back Lubna (Lubna “I disagree but OK”) and Marianne. Surely Marianne is toast here for her touchy feely American victimhood and failure to follow the spec? Surely Sugar won’t fire A FOURTH BAME CANDIDATE IN A ROW?

We-ell.

Thomas gets a kicking from Sugar for failing to “follow the money” and sell bikes rather than lycra – which would have saved my eyes from something they still can’t forget. Marianne launches into a satisfyingly complete takedown of Thomas which redeems her in my eyes and makes him bluster and fidget like Boris Johnson being asked if he spent public money on that woman he was infecting with his floppy disk. (“You don’t listen to anyone. You shut down my entire team. You’re a dic(k)tator not a leader. The only thing you’re concerned about is the Tommy show!) I get the feeling Thomas isn’t used to women talking back to him. Other than his old mum who he loves obvs.

Fricking right on sister you tell him!

Marianne ep4 tell him

So Sugar Summarises that Thomas has been on the losing team 4 times and Marianne made a “horrible” bike and didn’t follow the brief before pretending he’s going to fire Thomas but picking Lubna instead for being too boring for telly or something (I actually liked her – I am the kiss of death to all the ethnic contestants). In the taxi of regrets Lubna is sorry she couldn’t have shown Lord Sugar more.

Back in the house Lottie is quite smug about Lubna going and seeing as another contestant has outed Lottie for making a racist comment about Lubna on a group Whatsapp it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

Thomas gets to be a bit old school sexist too “all I’m gonna say is I feel sorry for Marianne’s husband cos she went in on me!” and suddenly there’s a knock on the door and it’s not the 1970s asking for their lines back but Lord Sugar trying to mix things up and make things exciting and whilst I’m chanting “Sack Thomas!” he oddly goes through the rules for the next task which is a treasure hunt as though they have to catch the 2am flight but no it’s in Oxford and Cambridge. If you’re going to have him visiting unexpectedly can you at least sex it up BBC? Have him turn the house into a Saw style torture trap fest – least fatal wounds wins?

He also switches around the teams a bit so Unison is now Iasha, Lottie, Marianne, Dean, Thomas, Scarlet. Empower is Carina, Pam, Jemelin, Riyonn, Ryan-Mark, Lewis. Like you care!

Giving me Life: Jemelin. Everyone needs to be more Jemelin.

Liking:  Iasha, Scarlett, Marianne

Warming to: Ryan-Mark

Meh: Carina, Pamela, Riyonn, Lewis

Disliking:  Dean

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

I hate him: Thomas

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna (this list will be an Only Connect Quiz in years to come)

Still in the Running? Sophisticated Sarah

Everyone gets to go to the Cambridge Theatre but sadly it’s ridiculoclock. On the Matilda Musical stage surrounded by strange magical objects (books) Sugar explains that Matilda is about an “extraordinary little girl” and Lottie is all like “Yeah that’s me bitch!”

Extraordinary Little Girl ep3

So getting through the tenuous linkage the teams have to design a toy SPECIFICALLY for 6-8 year olds and produce and online video, then pitch to 2 major retailers – most orders wins.

Cos the boys are loozers there’s some mixing up. Thomas, Ryan and Souleyman swop with Carina, Jemelin, Iasha and Pam.

And there is the welcome return of the Team Name! What’s wrong with Karren’s Bitches or Claude’s Specials?

EMPOWER (suggested by Carina) now sums up Carina, Pam, Jemelin, Iasha, Dean, Ryan-Mark (I preferred his suggestion of “team fabulous!”) and Lewis. Pam, who designs and sells cosmetics is voted leader.

Over on the as YET unnamed Other team of Lottie, Marianne, Thomas, Scarlet, Lubna, Riyonn and Souleyman; Lottie suggests Polaris (and BECAUSE it is a missile – never mind Left Field, this lady is Far Right Field). Marianne looks a bit scared.

Marianne Polaris Face ep3

Thomas looks weak – Scarlet knows why. He’s worried about the size of his missile.

Scarlet Knows Ep3

Marianne suggests Unison as a little more peaceful (less terrifying) – I sort of imagine this will remind Lottie of scary dirty Union folk that her mummy and daddy warned her about – but everyone else backs the name UNISON and Lottie looks vengeful.

Thomas puts himself forward to lead UNISON as he designs stuff and sells to retailers. Marianne forces him to admit that’s only pillows and he’s only sold toys dahn the market.

Riyonn jumps in – having manufactured a game and “done commercials” he claims to know EVERYTHING about the marketing side. He wins the vote and is REALLY EXCITED (pic), but I personally love that Souleyman votes for neither.

It’s toy talk time. Lottie wants a rewarding toy “Well done you were very brave today” because robotic emotions clearly never did her any harm.  Riyonn wants a “fun interactive animal toy”. (No NOT that!) and makes Thomas team leader of the design team (Scarlett and Lottie) mainly because Riyonn doesn’t care about design – he wants to dick about making a video.

The EMPOWER girls talk toys and it all gets a bit steamy with Carina wanting a rampant rabbit or at least a unicorn – I get confused.

Carina Unicorn ep3

And Jemelin confessing that SLIME takes her to her special place.

They end up plumping for Carina’s compromise – a unicorn with its own personal beakerful of slime. Pam has “never heard of anything like that before in the world of unicorns and slime”. Well I haven’t heard of dog poo ice cream sundaes in the world of dog poo and ice cream sundaes. Doesn’t make it a good idea. Pam wants Iasha, Carina and Dean to join her on the design team and Lewis is a bit miffed he doesn’t get put in charge of the branding and pitching sub-team as he has an MA in Marketing dontcha know. He clearly doesn’t like to mention it more than four times in any task. Pam is resolute that a girl has to lead the sub team and picks Jemelin to “whip the boys into shape”. Dean’s already clearly pussy whipped into submission (Ryan-Mark doesn’t need it as he’s the team’s GBF) so poor Lewis makes a sad face especially when Pam points out “you’ve lost twice we need to win”. Some cream for that burn love?

The design teams get sent to build their prototype in East London where EVERYTHING seems to happen. Iasha gets confused by all the girly talk of unicorns (“Aren’t we straying too much from the slime?”) but Pam ignores this (“slime is slime”). Thomas comes up with a motivational turtle that fits onto your hand (Scarlet’s idea – she then goes on for ever about how boring and childish the idea is – “my daughter wouldn’t buy it” – would your daughter buy anything really?).

I say a turtle. Or is it an ashtray?

Thomas desigs ep3

No it’s definitely TOMMY the talking turtle.

TOMMY1 ep3

Lottie outs Thomas for naming the toy after himself and even Claude has a good old smirk. Accordingly Thomas, like Frankenstein, is desperately protective of his creation (“We can make him supercool”). Maybe it will end up destroying him.

Everyone else goes to make videos. I do love Ryan Mark staggering out of the mini-van like a spent groupie.

Ryan Mark exit van ep3

It’s STORYBOARD time with Riyonn and his animal gang (hastily renamed “animal squad” by Marianne). The “vibe” Riyonn is after is “6-8 year olds kinda like fun quirky”… it’s all a bit Yewtree. He decrees that his subteam should dance dressed as different animals (“I know it’s super cheese! But it could work”) and everyone winces. “What dances?” Souleyman asks, not unreasonably. “We don’t know yet!” gurns Riyonn. Oh that’s the joy of it… I guess. There’s a very brief call to Thomas who is all proud dad (“We designed something speshul”) and Riyonn is only interested in the buttons and asks no questions. Oh dear. Riyonn is all “happy fun time” on the shoot. Nobody else is.

Happy fu time ep3

Souleyman is a particularly sad turtle and who can blame him. He gets more sullen and argumentative after people ignore his valid concerns until Claude observes he’s offering no positivity. Oh dear.

Cut to Lewis stating “dance videos are overdone”. EMPOWER are going for narrative arcs, with ye storyteller Ryan-Mark’s epic tale of the Unicorn kidnapped by an evil villain (not Tim Curry sadly) who sets a ransom demand of SLIME – and the Queen’s effort to rescue her beloved horny horsey. Everyone loves it – especially Ryan-Mark (“This is a REALLY good idea yeah!”). Ryan Mark is such a diva in the video shoot and Jemelin is also a fab queen –

ACTING ep3

– but Karren looks like she fucking hates them all and wants them to die as they make her feel all old and not down with the kids.

Then Ryan Mark goes “ahahah I have the unicorn” and this happens (I’ve kept the BBC in the screenshot in case you think it is speciality porn.

Ahaha I have the unicorn ep3

Back at the drawing board Pam’s subteam want eyelashes, and much more pinkness and glitter till even Dean objects.

Thomas’s turtle designed – he starts doing the voice. Cockney of course. “I ‘ave travelled the ocean all on my own” he says. Scarlet thinks it sounds too old so he repeats it squeakily (“I can do me age 13”) after slamming his clackers in a fridge or something.

Finally Jemelin’s subteam get to see the toy. A little pink glittery unicorn. So “nothing that says slime” as Lewis observes, also pointing out solemnly “That is a my little pony”.

The teams watch the adverts. Carina observes that slime is mentioned a lot. “Slime still features?” asks Jemelin and Carina looks shifty “Yeah 100%”. She still insists she’d buy the unicorn with accessorised slime, despite the misgivings of the rest of the team.

Thomas  unveils Tommy the emetic Turtle (“I’m lucky to be your friend because you’re always so kind”), but Souleyman worries it is not “reusable” and again is ignored (“They’re trying to suppress me”). Scarlet again worries about it being aimed at the wrong demographic. Nobody listens.

It’s pitch time and Lewis is annoyed he hasn’t been picked as he’s a “marketing expert” (really? You didn’t mention that!). He’s sent to gather public feedback.

At the department store someone suggests gently that Tommy the Turtle is for toddlers and Thomas just insists that they’re wrong and that Tommy the talking turtle is your bezzie and cheers you up. The retailers insist it needs to be cooler but Thomas is not listening La La La! I love you Tommy Turtle and you’re gonna be the biggest craze yes you are! Post pitch he “just sees positives”. Weapons grade delusional. Excellent.

Sparkle Star in next and the retailers say “Oh look a My Little Pony” so Pam drags Dean in (except she calls him Lewis as she secretly wants Lewis – although she’s not impressed when he suggests this in the boardroom) to say “On trend” and “yah” a bit but it doesn’t work and they don’t get the video. Pam is stuck until Iasha wakes up and explains the concept (“The slime kingdom is an amazing fantasy land with houses made from slime – the main material is slime and that’s where sparkle star lives”) that they somehow UNDERSTAND it.

To the Focus group where the most eerily self-possessed kids since The Shining brilliantly condemn Sparkle Star for gender stereotyping proving themselves way more woke than anyone on team EMPOWER. They’re also confused by the slime meets unicorn concept – and would have preferred more slime. Jemelin suggests one of the team should take that feedback into the next pitch but Pam tells them to do one. Hamleys ask again about how the unicorn relates to slime and Iasha looks like she might talk again but somehow decides not to. Oh well.

Next the kids tear Tommy the Twatty Turtle a new asshole. BORING! “It just talks and lights up”, “If you’re seven you would think it was babyish”. Souleyman’s all “You see – they want to be stimulated” till even Marianne tells him to shut up. Lottie points out one eight year old liked it so she is dragged into the pitch to Hamleys where she promptly suggests that the customer feedback was “varied” which Hamleys don’t like the sound of. Thomas goes crazy ape bonkers afterwards but Lottie “CANNOT TELL A LIE” (unless it’s an evil one).

Boardroom Time and Sugar is keen to reiterate that the task was TO DESIGN A TOY for the SIX TO EIGHT Year Old Market.

SEXISM SCANDAL: Lewis says Pam told him one of girls should be in charge of the boys and Pam claims he’s talking out of context. Ryan Mark is asked what he thought of the unicorn and he describes it as “erm attractive”. The advert is played and hilariously Sugar mistakes Ryan-Mark’s voice as Alan Carr’s. One man. Many comedians. The oddly prescient Sugar describes the advert as looking like “a climate change protester being manhandled”. Iasha admits she utterly winged her explanation of the concept.

It’s pointed out that TEAM UNISON have been less than united. Hahah. The toy is dissed as too young and everyone sniggers at Riyonn’s video. “I wanted it to be fun and viral” he sulks. As though you can create “viral”. Anyhow Orders time.

Iasha managed to get 200 units ordered by the department store. UNISON didn’t get any orders. Hamleys didn’t order anything although had they been after a pre-school toy they would have ordered Tommy. But they didn’t.

Pam looks smug as EMPOWER go for toy themed cocktails and a filthy looking balloon modelling masterclass from the terrifying Miss Ballooniverse who teaches the boys about pink javelins.

Balloons ep3

It’s funny cos they look like cocks.

UNISON go to the sad café the sound of Souleyman’s whinging ringing in their ears. Thomas gets all lairy “at least I ad a go what did you do? You can’t rely on me to do everything all the time – I’m only human” (allegedly).

Back in and Sugar points out that the task was LOST because they got the wrong target age. So Riyonn like an idiot brings back Souleyman and Lottie (I think it’s a ploy to get rid of Souleyman) and Thomas gets away scot bleedin free despite refusing to believe and accept he was wrong.

Riyonn accuses Lottie of messing up the second pitch and she points out they failed in the first one without her. Ohh she’s good. She disses Riyonn’s decision making to the point where he wishes he’d brought Marianne in (NOT THOMAS???). Poor doomed Souleyman admits “I can somethings be over analytical or critical” and she starts laying into him. To his credit he ignores her and carries on talking to Lord Sugar as though she’s not there. Riyonn calls Souleyman “very abrupt”. He seems so sweet so perhaps Riyonn is a tad over-sensitive? Souleyman rightly says he wasn’t constantly negative, but Sugar’s had enough and fires him (with regret). Oh dear. Right after Dev went out of Strictly the first three weeks of the Apprentice need to be sent on Diversity training methinks.

Somehow Riyonn avoids a double-sacking and they’re sent home (Lottie wishing Souleyman “the best of luck” as though she’s the queen). In the TAXI of COULD OF SHOULD OF, Souleyman fantasises about winning a gold medal in athletics and a big fat cheque in business (not a mail order bride) so he can taunt Lord Sugar with all his success. Yeah! (I still love him).

Next episode they’re selling bikes. That’s it.

Liking:  Lubna, Jemelin, Scarlett, Marianne, Iasha

Warming to: Ryan-Mark

Meh: Carina, Pamela, Riyonn, Lewis

Disliking: Thomas, Dean

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman (sob)

BUT IT’s NOT RACIST LIKE STRICTLY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our shiny suited shitclowns are summoned to Ally Pally at 4am. Gathered on the Ice Rink, Lord Sugz reveals in another tenuous link the task is about ice. You can just see the girls thinking “Oooh! Diamonds” but no it’s making ice lollies to flog to Joe and Jo Public plus a bespoke model to corporate clients. Most profit wins.

Angry Lewis channels his inner Bruce Willis as he declares he can’t deal with seeing the girls smug faces again.

Lewis ep2

Yippee kiyay Mofos

 

This year the teams don’t even bother with wanky names like Executwunt or BizFart, so we’re straight in with a power struggle between Kenna (who has an ice cream business FFS and has “played with lollies before” (ooer)) and Riyonn who has eaten food and therefore declares his skillz to be equal to the team’s very own Mr Whippy. There’s a vote and only Thomas is mad (or Brexity) enough to vote for Riyonn. Kenna chooses Dean to lead the corporate sub-team much to the chagrin of Ryan-Mark, who has a face like a slapped bum for the rest of the episode (“If we fail it’s on you. I am a multi award winning public speaker” etc etc).

RM sulk ep2

Mega flounce.

 

Bakery boss Carina leads the girls. Easy peasy. No arguments. They choose a retro sweets theme. Carina wants Lottie to lead the subteam as she’s bigged herself up as someone who can deliver a design brief, but Lottie insists she picks Marianne due to her “experience”.

We finally meet Marianne. She’s an optimistic yank (she thinks she can deal with any challenges from Lottie – good luck with that).

To the design lab go Carina, Pamela, Lubna and Jemelin. They create a cherry cola and liquorice monstrosity (it could be worse – it’s nearly “cheesy cola” with some cream cheese folded in. Yum!).

Kenna is all about the profit margin, working out the cost per unit of everything and coming up with some bizarre concoction of blueberries, stem ginger and lavender cos it’s cheap as chips.

Off to a Beauty Brand in East Lahndan and having agreed the pitch plan in the car Dean decides to change everything. Ryan Mark and Souleyman have a little mutiny and Dean appeals for respect (“Let’s make sure we smash it”). Dean wants to get an understanding of the client’s “ethos” and they insist on QUALITY. Dean manages to eventually get them to agree to 90 lollies at £3.85 each (having at first increased the price and doubled the quantity offered – oops). Ryan Mark is disgusted “You made a U turn! You are a U turn!” whilst Claude shakes his head in dismay. Kenna calls in “How did it go?” and Dean is all “Yeah alright” before confirming that the clients want glitter, raspberries and coconut milk lollies. “Don’t make it awful” pleads Dean. Cut to the boys stirring glitter into more and more coconut milk as Riyonn can’t get enough of the stuff. Kenna strictly rations the coconut milk as he doesn’t give a shit how the bespoke lollies taste, he’s not wasting 5p extra per unit (“This is a pricing task” – erm. It turns out that coconut milk makes glitter go non-glittery. Shocked that Riyonn didn’t realise this. Also confused as to why the boys don’t just roll them in glitter. Have we learned nothing from Drag Race?

Lottie, Scarlett, Iasha and Marianne pitch to their Plant corporate clients and big up the high end aspect of their lollies requesting £3.75 each. The client only wants to offer £3 and Lottie pipes up with £3.50. Having agreed they would discuss pricing, Scarlett’s left in the embarrassing position of requesting a time out (during which time the clients wait patiently despite obviously being able to hear Lottie doing the LOUDEST WHISPERING EVER). Back in finally Scarlett suggests er £3.50 (“We can just about make it work”). The client accepts. Scarlett then does the sums wrong working out the costs and it’s all somewhat of an omni shambles but somehow they get away with it.

3am and time for a “lolly making masterclass”. Carina thinks “We’ve got all the elements to succeed today -what could go wrong?” Duh duh DUH.

Kenna manages an effective production line with everyone knowing their roles from mixing to freezing to labelling and packing. The girls all bicker and flail about. “Er Jemelin can you put them in the whatever that is… the freezer thing” instructs Carina. Slick.

I do like how only some of the boys care about hygiene.

Hygiene ep2

Kenna inquires casually as to delivery time for the corporate client and Dean is all “Erm Um” (Say something!) “er First thing in the morning”. Whoopsie he hasn’t arranged an appointment. Ryan Mark is all “told you so!” and grasses up Dean for changing his pitch plan. “That doesn’t stop you saying something” Kenna snaps. “We weren’t allowed to speak” fibs Souleyman. Kenna tries to be positive and knuckle down to getting the corporate lollies out first. They look a bit like a porno milky maid when complete and Dean isn’t impressed. Riyonn retorts that “You didn’t give us a bespoke specification – just flavours” and they all have a big shouty match until Kenna stops them all and demands that Dean just sell them as best he can. Ryan Mark motivates him in the car by listing the many ways in which their lolly is shit (“Invisible glitter, looks like a penis”).

Heaven ep2

Brand name idea “Heaven on a stick”

 

They get there for the morning delivery at 1pm and wait for ages for the woman to appear. Souleyman contributes by getting Dean to move the box around so it doesn’t act as a “barrier” between him and the client. The state of those lollies I’d WANT a barrier. Ryan Mark does a lot of haughty disappointed looks and they wait some more.

Lottie (natch) is in charge of posh corporate lollies and adds half a fucking shrubbery to each. “Hurry up” urges Jemelin. “This is a gourmet product” sneers Lottie. Jemelin restrains the urge to kill and instead does a great Lottie impression “Nurrrr Eees Gourmeet”. They do look good if a tad arboreal when they come out and Lottie sets to snipping off any leaves that are sticking out. Karen tries one and grimaces “It’s like eating a garden” (maybe they could brand them “Lady Garden”?). The clients are frightened by the foliage and the girls take yet ANOTHER time out to sift through the box of frozen goods in the sunshine looking for ones good enough to sell. Whilst the clients wait inside. Lottie suggests working out a price but Marianne points out they don’t know how many lollies there are to sell yet. Eventually they find 80 and go back inside where amazingly the clients still agree to buy. There’s more fricking idiocy as Lottie can’t work out the new price (“I’m sorry it’s off the top of my head – if you could help me out” – you know your phone has a calculator on it right?!) and Karen winces. Outside Marianne confronts Lottie “You mentioned we should do the maths” and Lottie is all “You are Sub Team Leader and you said no”. Marianne accuses Lottie of picking her as sub team leader to throw her under the bus (probably correct) and Lottie insists it’s because “YOU ARE OVER TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME”. Hahaha! She is so evil.

Librarian ep2.jpg

“Me? I’m just a librarian – who happens to be MUCH, MUCH younger than you!”

 

Carina’s retro lollies are ready and Jemelin urges Lubna to pack them carefully with ice at the top to keep them frozen. So of course she just chucks them in the box. At the zoo they open the box (penguins looking hopefully on) and they’ve all broken or melted. Oopsie. “Do we know who packed them?” asks Pamela and Lubna looks a bit sheepish. “They can eat them in pieces” declares Carina, like the Marie Antionette of iced goods.

The rest of the boys gather at Regents Canal in boater hats with Thomas doing his best Cockerney Barrel Boy Bantz and annoyingly selling really well. (“Gis that fiver, I’ll give you a pahnd!”. Woman “This tastes like my nan’s wardrobe” Thomas “See it’s bringing back nice memories”) and Claude is impressed.

Dean and his team are still waiting to be seen! The woman eventually turns up (“I wasn’t sure what time we were meeting”) all excited to see the lollies. And then the box is opened. “That looks a bit rude”. She thinks it doesn’t look premium and suggests they are only worth a quid each. Dean offers £3.50, £2.85 and £1.25 rather than just biting her hand off for the £90 and in the end she’s just annoyed and tells them to sling their hook and take their sad phallic lollies with them. Kenna isn’t happy. He’s fuming! He’s raging! But he tries to rally everyone to “sell sell!” even though he’s sad they didn’t just try to get a quid each to make some profit (Dean to his credit looks embarrassed here, but he still blames the product).

In the boardroom, Lottie gets stick for not listening to her PM and taking the sub team leader role. Marianne’s compared to Theresa May for coming back with exactly the same offer of £3.50 (although let’s face it – better than no deal – bitta politics eh)?

Kenna states that with his “understanding from a lolly perspective” (with a stick up your bum?) he thinks healthy options would sell best (WHAT?). Ryan Mark moans that Kenna didn’t hold a vote for Sub Team Leader and Sugz is all “that’s his prerogative” so Ryan Mark boohoos “I understand but I didn’t have the option”. Dean is outed for not taking a quid per lolly and Thomas starts interrogating him until Sugar asks “Do you wanna sit over here?” Sadly it seems Sugz has fallen for the cheeky cockney market trader charm and declares Thomas a “hero” for his selling prowess.

Anyhow results time – the boys spent a lot less and made £439 profit. Continuing in the trend of “surprise” endings the girls spent a lot more and made £545 profit. They’re sent to West Ken Spa to get their bums tickled with the filling snipped from their ice lollies as some sort of bizarre punishment.

Tickled ep2

Something about bushes.

 

The Boys troop to Café doom again with Sugar unimpressed. Kenna blames his subteam and Thomas insists they should have sold the willy lolly given he managed to flog something with bladdy lavender in it. Dean still blames the piss poor product.

Lottie has chosen “ten years older” Marianne to backstab this week. “She could have been assertive – if you have a problem with me being dominating just tell me” she smarms to camera. I have a feeling she’s playing a Hopkins game here.

Back in the boardroom and Sugz reveals that the true task was making the bespoke item high quality enough to sell (who knew!). Kenna blames the poor info from his corporate team and Ryan Mark swoops in “You are selling yourself as a food connoisseur”. “I DON’T DEAL WITH GLITTER” insists Kenna (This must be in a BBC guidebook somewhere). We’re treated to the willy lolly again which Sugar describes as looking like “medical waste” and an increasingly shaken Kenna brings back Dean and Ryan-Mark who complains again about Kenna’s “executive decision as PM to not listen to me” (How entitled is this dude?).

Dean keeps “holding his hands up” and Sugar asks if he’s admitting liability. “No” squeaks Dean. Whereupon Kenna holds his hands up. Doh! Ryan-Mark insists he deserves to be in the process but Sugar’s not impressed (“I don’t like people who stir up trouble”). For a second it looks like Dean will rightly go for losing out on the money from the corporate client and sitting around like a tit for ages, but eventually poor Kenna goes and didn’t even get decent advertising for his ice cream business. Although those pink willies could go down a storm at Pride – just roll them in the glitter boys. Poor Kenna has a little sob even though he admits in the taxi of regret that he knew he was a “dead man walking” when the task was lost. Despite him having been 24 Sugar seems to have saved 19 year old Dean and 20 year old Ryan Mark because they are mere foetuses and he wants to tell them to GROW UP and stop blaming people. Like that’s gonna happen in 16 weeks.

Back at the house Ryan-Mark auditions for a Lloyd Weber musical with the campest return to the house ever.

Enchante ep2

“Enchante!”

 

This could only have been more flamboyent had he grabbed that rose and danced in with it clenched between his buttocks.

Meanwhile Dean insists the girls are “NEVER winning again”. It’s all getting a bit Incel on Boyteam.

Next week they have to design a toy – and (joys!) make an advert.

 

Liking:  Lubna, Jemelin, Scarlett, Marianne

Still crushing on: Souleyman

Meh: Iasha, Carina, Pamela, Riyonn

Disliking: Thomas, Dean, Ryan-Mark

Anger Management Issues: Lewis (they’re all going to be needling him from now on)

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna

I missed the show when it was aired as it was my birthday and like an idiot I went out for drinks and food rather than camping in front of the telly. Anyhow via the magic of iplayer we’re back to the sweeping chrome and glass majesty of Canary Wharf where the BBC are determined to pretend Lord Sugar’s secret lair is, rather than at a Premier Inn in Brentwood.

“In a time of economic uncertainty” the Voiceover tells us, “bold players can win big”. Especially if they’re gambling on a No Deal Brexit plunging us into a dystopian nightmare where everyone is forced to burn old Amstrad computers for heat and eat chalk instead of camembert. Eh?

Our 16 clueless twats Entrepreneurs are filmed looking hungry, driven and a bit erm lost and confused like they’re waiting for the mothership to beam them up.

Looking Lost ep1

Above: Still from M. Night Shyamalan’s latest film: The Befuddled

Jesus Christ it’s a baby clone of Michael McIntyre. It is, as the prophecy foretold, the end of days.

Macintyre ep1

Above: Comply with my demands earth creatures or I will do the bit about spice racks again.

Baby Macintyre who is called Ryan-Mark, although I have it on my own authority that the first part of his hyphenated twatfest of a name is really NO, apparently has “Such expensive tastes” that he needs BILLIONS not millions. And that’s just to keep his man-drawer stocked.

Next we have self-styled ambitious Latina, Jemelin “You can actually cut me and ambition comes out of my blood”.

There’s an obligatory chubby barrow boy, Thomas, who’s made a “Thahhhsand mistakes in business already” – not least already quoting bloody Del Boy in his VT. Apples and fucking pears tosser.

Apples and Pears ep1

Above: One man, two guvnors, many pies.

Isn’t this that woman Boris Johnson gave all that public money to so he could learn about IT through the medium of pole dancing? Hasn’t she had ENOUGH of our hard-earned British readies.

Pamela

My mistake it is Pamela who is confident her established business (a beauty brand – natch) will make Sugar millions.

Events Manager Riyonn (no hyphen but his parents can’t spell) has a little black book he is very proud of. Guessing it’s not 50 shades.

There’s Shahin, “the falcon” (because his name means Falcon – bless) and Lottie, a librarian megabeeyatch femmebot from the future who states confidently that nothing in business is too far for her. That’s because it’s only in the B section love.

I’ve taken an early shine to Souleyman Bah, a Paralympian sprinter with tunnel vision, a big stick and a cool name.

Souleyman ep1

Above: Souleyman Bah. *Resists joke about letting him look at my tunnel anytime.

Anyhow everyone hands in their proposals to be shredded and enters the boardroom, the women somehow under the impression it’s a Quality Street theme party.

qualitystreet ep1

Above; Effs sake Marianne you were meant to be the Purple One. The camera is gonna ignore you for the rest of the show!

Our favourite beardy bollock-headed peer warms them up with some topical material (“Back when we started Brexit sounded like another Kellogs Serial”) and reminisces how he’s had them all in the boardroom (ooer): “Chancers, posers, brown nosers, moaning minnies, halfpint Harrys..” (evil scheming tribunal happy blondes, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub), before explaining that they are there to win “a £250,000 investment in a joint business with him of which they will each own 50%” (in case nobody understood the word joint there).

Shahin the Falcon is mocked for suggesting a name for this joint business (the rather funny Shamstrad). “I’ve never fired anyone before the process before but you’re a contender” quips Sugar. “Yes, I am a contender” says Shahin cos he doesn’t do jokes.

There’s some Shakespearean bants with Lottie the Librarian (“Though she be but little she is fierce”, Sugar “Midsummer Night’s Dream Act 3, Scene 2, right?).

Iasha, an account manager has called herself a “Pocket Rocket”. So annoying shortarse then.

Michael McIntyre clone No-Mark (in Women’s Wear at Harrods, no really) even laughs at his own rubbish “jokes” (“You describe yourself as like a pig in business” “Yes HAHAHAH!”).

Anyhow the BBC blow their budget by sending them all to Capetown in that SarfEfrica for the First Task. Tourism is booming in Capetown and it’s down to the candidates to put a stop to that monopolise on that by running a bespoke tour in the surrounding countryside, most profit wins but refunds we are warned eat into profit. Claude oversees the girls and Karen the boys.

Everyone mingles (Thomas: “I sell pillas (pillows) on the old lawnmower (Lawnmower Man-Van)”, No-Mark “That’s so interesting (I’d like to smother you with a pillow)”) and we meet a few more capitalist businesspigdogs. Scarlet deals “with multi-million pound clients on a daily basis” (she runs a recruitment company) and Dean (Sports Management) is “Here to win” and looks like every other dull male candidate from every series of this show. There’s also “Disgustingly ambitious” accountant Lubna.

The BBC doing their own bit for Capetown tourism, I mean I’ve never been to SarfEfrica having been too heavily influenced by Spitting Image as a child but it looks stunning (my brother is going to Capetown soon and don’t tell him but I’m jealous).

capetown ep1

Above: Table Mountain. My favourite geographical bit of household kit. Followed by Chertsey, Bedrock & Sex-Dungeon Lake.

The teams choose a glorious leader. Girls “er has anyone been to SarfEfrica before?” “No” “Does anyone want to volunteer to be PM” (tumbleweed), Scarlet: “Something profit and loss”, Rest of Girls “Lead us! Lead us!”

Digital Marketer Lewis confesses he once ran events and the boys elect him PM immediately – even though he later confesses they were only booze cruises for his mates. Never open your mouth in the first meeting.  They turn to their black co-competitors for the sweet and lowdown on Africa like they are ethnic oracles. Actually, Souleyman has African heritage and confidently states that all the tourists go there for safari animal action.  Kenna (who sounds like he actually has a bit more South African knowledge) mentions the famous wine trade, but Thomas aint listening, he’s seen Madagascar and you can see a cheeky vino anywhere in the world but not some animal ass safari action.

The girls of course go for a wine tour. They know fuck all about SarfEfrica but they fricking love wine.

Scarlet works out that tickets normally cost 2000 rand (about 107 quid) but Lottie suggests they brand it as a luxury and ask for 2500 rand as it sounds more “elite”.  Claude’s worried they’re setting expectations too high. Not ours. Pamela, Scarlet, Iasha and Marianne (another identikit blonde lady who we see hardly anything of this week). Lottie’s determined to lead the tour team as she “once worked in the UK’s best wine” and she knows SarfEfrica “has a population of 51 million” and after a tense credential-off she pulls hacky faces when Jemelin is chosen instead to lead her, Lubna and Carina (a rough diamond type baker). “Do we get to test the wine” Jemelin asks hopefully. “Remember ladies, spit, don’t swallow. We need to stay sharp” Lottie warns and Carina cackles. Filth.

The boys decide to ask for 1850 rand for their safari (90 quid) – sounds a bloomin bargain. Lewis takes barrer boy Thomas (“We’re gonna SMASH this – if we lose I’ll eat my hat”), Dean and erm Shahin to sell tickets with him (Thomas: “We’ll sell all the tickets then ave a nice bit of dinna!” Oh shut up).

Riyonn’s subteam meet the nice lady running the game reserve half boys – and promptly piss her off by offering 450 rand per ticket when she’s advertising at 995 rand (“we can’t do business on those terms”). Kenna tries to salvage things by clawing her back to around 850 and Riyonn shakes hands on 800 but only 700 each if they sell all 16 tickets. She warns them not to promise they will see the “big 5” (not The Jacksons or Take That but rhino, lion, elephant, leopard and buffalo) as these are animals in the wild. Cue clips of the sales team promising tourists they won’t just see the big five but get to take selfies, get autographs and make sweet lurve to them. Riyonn calls and says they need full capacity and whatever you do “Don’t offer the big five as a definite”. Everyone looks sheepish “No we won’t”.

Big five ep1

At the vineyard Jemelin asks the lowest price and they agree on a 30% discount if they sell all 16 seats. They don’t even work out what the cost is but go ahead and shake on it. At the waterfront the sales team are trying to sell at 2500 per person but nobody’s buying. Scarlet wants to hold it at the highest price but nobody seems to communicate with the tour team as to what their deal is. Pamela finds some Irish people. “Do you like wine? You’re Irish of course you like wine! Hahaha get me and my hilarious stereotyping! Top of the lucky charms to you!” etc.

irish ep1

Above: It’s definitely bonking Bozza’s Technological Adviser though.

One asks “Is there lunch?” “That’s a great question” she stalls, looking at her team for help. “Er yes!” they all say. “We will feed you. We’re not gonna let you starve!” Finally Jemelin calls. The sales team confirm they’ve only shifted 4 tickets at 2300 and Jemelin pulls a horror face.

horrorface1 ep1

Above: Why is this happening to me? Why?

Scarlet asks if there will be any food and Jemelin says no and it’s Scarlet’s turn to pull a horror face as she pleads, lip a trembling “we promised food”.

horrorface2 ep1

Above: Oh God. They’re all gonna STARVE!

Lottie is hardcore “Do NO give false promises! DO NOT OFFER FOOD” before bitching to camera, “This is a massive inconvenience these girls caused”. She is loving this.

To the plain where the scat man guide finds leopard tracks and a carcass, explaining “leopards always disembowel their prey as they eat the inside first” and No-Mark goes “mmmmm!”

Mmm ep1

Above: “MMmmm”

The guide finds some springbok poo and gets all nostalgic about a game they used to play where they spat the poo out of their mouth, demonstrating. Souleyman’s having some of that action and duly spits out the poo much to Karen’s DisgustFace. Of course due to his tunnel vision Souleyman probably didn’t spot the guide replacing the poo with a chocolate raisin before he put it in his mouth.

It’s time for wine tasting at the Vineyard and Lottie is ever so excited as she worked in the UK’s best wine bar but never mentions it. She goes into megaponce overdrive (“I absolutely LOVE pinotage!”). The rest of the team ask the woman from the vineyard (presumably an expert) how long wine can be left open. She starts explaining that it shouldn’t be left overnight (oops) and Lottie’s already butting in “Pinotage you might get away with”. The wine expert lady looks annoyed and Claude smirks. Lottie carries on blithely patronising everybody. Everyone looks sad. Jemelin hopes that having sabotaged their chance to learn something from the wine expert that Lottie does a shit hot wine tasting demo for the tour.

Time to plan the tours in the evening. Kennan notes that facts and figures don’t matter – it’s how you make people feel. This is how Brexit happened.

Lubna is tasked with giving a tour of the wine cellar. Lottie agrees to run the tasting but demands they pour the wine “neatly and nicely” for her. Lubna’s starting to crack “It’s pouring liquid in a glass how hard can it be?” Lottie gives her evils. “It’s a luxury experience – no offence!” Miaow! Later Lottie’s talking over Jemelin and Lubna asks her nicely to stop interrupting. “I’m CONTRIBUTING..” Lottie corrects her “And you’ve just disrupted the ENTIRE group! So don’t be so rude!” Oooh. We’re a few episodes from a full on cat fight in jelly already and everyone looks at their pens to try to ignore the toxic atmosphere.

Scarlet’s been forced to drop ticket prices to 600 each (from 2300!) and they manage to shift their last 4 tickets to some alcoholics. Of course they have to admit that they sold most of them for 1700 less so there’s going to be some pissed off punters if any discuss what they paid.

The boys also have four tickets to sell and it’s time for the Falcon to swoop! In his creamy suit he smoozes up to a likely group. “Erm it’s a safari. Erm it’s gonna be really good. Erm. Gonna see the big erm five” Oh dear the Falcon has been on the pesticides again. Thomas senses weakness and pulls him aside in a “mate you’ve had enough” style whilst Thomas looks close to tears and turns away as Thomas turns on his barrer bar bluster (“How abaht yourself will you buy a ticket for 1200”).

shaheen ep1

Above: “But I can handle it” “Yeah right son!”

I wouldn’t mind but even Thomas fails to sell in this situation so he gets a sulk on (“Not putting neg on but I think we should have sold the 16”) and Lewis looks haunted. Team Riyonn call and ask how many customers they have but nobody wants to admit. Eventually it comes out and TeamRiyonn attempt to be upbeat and focus on avoiding refunds.

To the coaches where Pamela wows the captive audience with facts for their journey. “South Africa has three capital cities…is this thing on?” [high pitched feedback], @tumbleweed@. “There are 3000 shipwrecks off the coast” (and one on this coach) [mic screams, passengers wince].

Meanwhile the boys lead a singalonga Lion Sleeps Tonight and the passengers love it – a wimba waying all over the shop.

AWimbaWay ep1

Above: A coach full of happy idiots

And there’s a nice cutback to Pamela’s punters contemplating suicide. Ha.

PamelasPunters ep1

Above: A coach load of miserable idiots.

Thomas feels like he’s made friends with the guess “if they’re not happy with the tour I will personally feed the other team to the lions”. Nice.

Ranger Riyonn springs into showbiz action “Unfortunately you’ve got me not David Attenborough. We’re going to have a magical safari!” This man is pure Butlins. They love him. However it all sours when he confesses “Obviously we can’t guarantee the big five” but a mutiny is averted by No-Mark deploying his Macintyre skillz “The big five are like the team on the bus. You can’t predict what they’re going to do”. Everyone laughs inexplicably. Just like the real Macintyre. “Let’s go forward it will be amazing so er” he doesn’t know what to do next so does a high pitched “Wooooh”.

Er Wooh

Where did that fucking come from!? Everyone tries to pretend it didn’t happen. Still when you’re in showbiz I guess you have to do all the noises.

The wine tram stops at the Sculpture Garden where Carina gives them everything she knows about the sculptures which is the name of the sculptor and what the sculptures are made of. And er that’s it. “So feel free – er enjoy” she waves her arms about. Lottie seems to turn up at the scene of everyone screwing up looking indignant and embarrassed in the background. Like a ghost smelling a fart. She’s also there when Lubna loses the cellar and the guests and they have a Benny Hill style race around the vineyard getting more and more lost (“There is a way er going the other way” – Jemelin “This is so bad Jesus Christ!”) until she just has to do the cellar talk in the fermentation room and then forgets all her great cellar facts (“I’m having a little bit of a fog”) whilst Lottie throws massive eye shade. “Who fancies wine tasting?” Everyone nearly stampedes in their rush to get their lips round some sweet sweet alcoholic juice.

“Breath that African air” sighs No_Mark and sadly they’re not next to a mound of poo. They’re watching Hippos which are apparently not Big Five, despite being fricking awesome and horribly dangerous. Someone asks how old they are. Riyonn squints and bullshits “I think they have a life span of 70 years but I could be wrong”. “Do they get many children?” someone else asks. Souleyman grins. “Yes I think they are one of the animals that do enjoy mating”. It sounds like he has previous and Karen advises, “If I were you, I’d move on”. They even see zebra and giraffes. Are they not happy?! This is such a bargain for £90.  Riyonn even finds them some elephants which turn out to be rhinos (“I do apologise – I haven’t got my glasses on”). Next they get some lions. “How does a lion like it’s steak?” Souleyman asks. “Raw” (geddit roar). Groans all round. I still like him. Despite that.

The girls negotiate 30% commission from shop sales. This may well win them the task as Thomas barges into the safari shop like an angry gangster demanding commission. The take-no-shit shop lady says 3%. “I may as well put them back on the bus” Thomas threatens. “5%” she demurs. “40%?” “5%”. “OK give us 25%”. She gives him an icy stare. Shahin steps in, dismayed at Thomas’s aggression and offers 22.5% which Thomas shakes on (“I thought she was gonna go for 25 but has to be your offer now” – all this said in front of the shop woman) – but she gives Shahin a sneaky sympathetic look and shakes his hand too. Shahin the falcon is at least polite despite the fact he disembowels pigeons in his spare time. Thomas is a wanker.

shopwoman ep1

Above: I’d have given you 40% love. Not him though.

Lottie leads wine tasting and her bullshit about getting to know the wine’s personality works because everybody expects someone who leads wine tasting to sound like a bit of a twat. She gushes that she personally has saved this task as everyone is now “really enthusiastic” (pissed). It still rankles that she wasn’t chosen as subteam leader tough. Thankfully someone has also rustled up cheeseboards for the guests to try to soak up the booze.

Riyonn’s determined to see elephants but worried they need to finish the safari to start rock painting (what idiot tacks that on AFTER a safari. It’s like getting Keane to headline after The Pixies. For young people that means it is putting something dull on after something great. I am so old). He throws caution to the world, puts his specs on and takes them in search of elephants whilst the rest of the team wait at the rock painting station. “We’re gonna lose money in the gift shop” Thomas worries.

The group find elephants (so three of the top five) and everyone is happy, apart from perhaps the elephants.

The girls are already in the shop and Lottie’s nicked a customer from Carina cos she knows “a lot more about wine than you”. Oooh!

Poor Shahin has to lead the rock painting in the dusk to tired and bored punters and make it snappy so they can be forced into the shop. In the future those painted rocks will be used as evidence of how unevolved we were in the 2010s.

It’s 7pm and they all finish and bitch about each other. Somehow they’re back in the boardroom the next morning –who the hell did they fly with?

Riyonn gets flack for annoying Safari woman with his derisory offer and there’s a contretemps as Kennan claimed to have salvaged the situation by offering 800 (not entirely true). Dean’s pulled up for saying he’d sell all 16 tickets as Karen grasses them up for selling only 12. Sugar’s annoyed the punters got a good safari and less time forced through a gift shop (“Even zebras come with a bar code”).

Scarlet’s dissed for her stupid high price and not reducing it a little bit earlier on when there were more people to sell it. Lubna criticises Jemelin’s lack of negotiation skillz whereupon Claude grasses her up on her lack of cellar location skillz and it descends into a bitch fight which the boys love.

Carina insists she gave the guests “every fact I had on the sculpture garden” (2). Luba graciously says Lottie did a good job and Lottie decides not to kill her. Yet.

It’s numbers time. After expenses and refunds the girls only made £520.93 profit (confusingly we’re back in quids not rands). The boys spent more but there were no refunds – BUT they only shifted £5 worth of shop tat so they only made £476.19 profit losing by £44. Thomas is given some jellied eels and liquor to eat his hat with.

The girls rejoice and are sent to drink champers in the shared house (Scarlet: “My whole house could fit in this room!” – and it’s the toilet!). Oh yes it’s all hugs now. “Is this like your house Lottie?” asks someone. “It’s a lot less modern” bullshits Lottie.

The boys are sent to brood in our old friend the Bridge Café.

Bridge Cafe

Above: Yeah mate we serve hats here.

Dean blames Shahin for crap sales. Shahin blames Riyonn for not getting the group in the gift shop (“If all our customers spent £5 each in the gift shop we would have won” – oh dear he hasn’t understood how commission works has he?).

Back in the boardroom and whilst Dean says its all Shahin’s fault Sugar points out there were 4 people on the sales team. Thomas admits “It was a lot harder than wot I thought. I gave it my best shot and I did bring in 4200 rand and LOOK AT ME! ME I’m GREAT!”

Shahin’s also dissed for arguing the commission down in the shop although Sugar points out it doesn’t matter as nothing was sold. Lewis goes a bit weird having blamed Riyonn’s team has an epiphany that at least they gave a good experience so Dean and Shahin are brought back in. Karen reveals that Lewis’s business plan is a travel company. None of them can understand why Shahin argued the commission down (by 2.5 fucking percent!) and Karen throws him under the bus stating he “cut across Thomas” when I saw him stopping Thomas loudly haranguing the shop woman. Maybe business is just evil. Oh yeah.

Shahin blames Lewis’s planning (“How can you put me in selling when No-Mark sells in Harrods for a living” – good point if slightly self-deprecating.

Everyone starts yammering at Lewis who loses it, shouting “GUYS ONE AT A TIME” and Sugar gives him a funny look. “Let’s calm down and try to have a professional discussion” urges Lord Sugz and straight away Lewis is all mad and fighty and rocking to and fro in his chair.

Lewis ep1

Above: Meltdown begins.

It’s firing time and Lewis is in line for losing control of his sales team (and sanity) but ultimately Shahin goes (with regret) for not selling. The falcon has flown. Repeat; the falcon has flown.

Lewis gets a warning that he’s out the door if there’s any more temper tantrums and he looks a bit broken but at least he gives Shahin a goodbye hug. Dean doesn’t bother. Boo.

In the Taxi of regrets Shahin is sad (“It should have been Lewis”).

Next week they have to create and manufacture ice lollies. Fab! (see what I did there. I am so old)

 

Liking: Souleyman, Riyonn, Lubna, Jemelin

Meh: Iasha, Kenna, Carina, Pamela, Scarlett

Who?: Marianne

Disliking: Thomas, Dean,

Disturbed by: Ryan-Mark

Anger Management Issues: Lewis (they’re all going to be needling him from now on)

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin