First published 24th March 2009 on

Somehow I’ve managed to miss 2 whole episodes due to running classes on Wednesday nights, but now I’m freeeeee!

Sadly I wasn’t there for episode one, where the boys and girls managed to choose even twattier names than usual (“Empire” seemed particularly inappropriate, until the girls hit back with “Ignite”… is it in the contract that they have to pick team names that sound like specialist condoms?) and then totally screw up a cleaning task, resulting in the firing of Anita, for looking like the bastard child of Oddjob from James Bond films with that squishy moonfaced woman from Everything But the Girl.

The following week saw both teams competing to poison the guests of accountancy firms in the city with their take on corporate catering. Empire chose an ill thought out 2012 Olympic concept, which would have been funny in a yah boo sucks way had the guests been French. In keeping with the spirit of the London Olympics site, the boys food looked like a bomb had hit it. Although they generously included “something for the Asians” in the form of Chicken tikka vol-au-vents. To avoid slow painful starvation the guests swooped upon the one edible item of food, the perennial 70s classic of cheese on sticks, discarding the cheese and eagerly sucking on the sharp pointy bits of wood for sustenance. The concept clothing (Grecian style um togas revealing spotty, doughy backs) didn’t help although the weirdy beardy bloke looked wonderfully like an extra from 300. Team leader and Michael Owen-Wayne Rooney hybrid Rocky showed us some of the ambition that comes with being a Middlesbrough FC reject and North Eastern sandwich mogul by only charging £15 a head, and then losing lots of money for being crap. The girls decided to blind their clients with science whilst ripping them off, getting a shady twitchy Heather Mills lookalike to gain trust by wibbling on randomly about items of food (“I’ve heard of blinis” – cue Margaret clutching her head in her hands) before magically trying to transform lumps of bread and tomato with the power of a sea of olive oil and basil into “bruschetta”. They lose lots of money for being crap too – but cos they’ve overcharged they get away with it – whilst Rocky is unfairly fired thanks to slimy Gollum Howard and potentially TVs most annoying man James (a cross between ubercunty faux cokernee wanker Maxwell from Big Brother past and the effeminate one with the teddy bear from Brideshead revisited). James is so utterly betrayed by being called back into the showroom (it apparently was almost as bad as when his cat died – ahh!) that he sticks the boot right into Rocky. And er Howard (“Fire the both of them!”) before insulting SrrrAlan (“I don’t want to have to sit here and see your face”) but survives as he will be more fun to watch falling from greater heights. So poor ickle Rocky goes and to rub salt into his wound is presented with a football shirt on “Your Fired” after sharing his painful story of a career cut short for the smoggies due to arthritis.

So far I like Maj the strangely facially hirsute one as he seems to have a sense of humour – although everyone who’s seen the full shows reckons he’s a wimmin-hater. Still I bet he’s no LEE MCQUEEN!!!!

I’ll be keeping more up to date with the stripy suited shits in the city from now on – and giving a full recap of the runners and riders.