The Apprentice S15 ep 5: Curiouser and curiouser

So continuing from last week the teams have to scour Oxbridge for random shit to buy armed with maps and local directories but sadly not Google – least spent wins and there’s penalties (twice cost price) for missed items from the list (mostly true) of 12 freshly laid eggs, a bushel of apples, a freshly ravaged pigs head, a University plate with 31 crests on it, a rigga jigga (hmm?), snaffle (egg butt specification), quant, Toad, a mortar board and a pre-world war II edition of Alice in Wonderland – which completely stumps the teams who barely know what books are never mind when the Second  War started or ended. “Were our parents alive then?” muses Marianne.

Marianne volunteers to lead Unison, so naturally Lottie is straight on her case, putting herself forward at great length as she has “knowledge of Oxford” and strong strategic skills etc etc etc. Sadly the rest of the team (Iasha, Dean, Thomas & Scarlet) choose Marianne giving Lottie another opportunity to do a hacky vengeful look.

Naturally Lottie knows that a snaffle goes over a horses snout. I get the feeling they could have saved paying for one and just dug one out of her luggage. Marianne gets all obsessed with the game aspect of a treasure hunt “We don’t need to get a University plate – we could just buy a random plate and stick 31 crests on it” (yes cos getting 32 items rather than one would be SO MUCH EASIER). Lottie warns again about being penalised for thinking too much outside of the box. Marianne lets Lottie lead Dean and Thomas in Cambridge on a quest of Rigga Jigga, apples and eggs and the power naturally goes to Lottie’s head as she insists on having the final say on any negotiation.

Nobody wants to be the PM over on Empower so Jemelin puts herself forward despite knowing sod all about Oxford or Cambridge. Ryan Mark puts his hat in the ring (“I once visited Oxford on a school trip”) yet promptly votes for Jemelin to lead (alongside Carina, Pam, Riyonn and Lewis), insisting he believes “she will be a fantastic PM”. Oh so sneaky! Nobody knows what a mortar board is, with Riyonn vaguely remembering a plasterer holding one in a porno once or something. In the absence of a plan, Ryan Mark suggests Cambridge might be better for apples and eggs and is picked alongside Carina for Jemelin’s sub team. Meanwhile Riyonn gets to lead Pam and Lewis around Oxford for all the obscure items (as he points out “We got Quant and Snaffle – you got apples, eggs and bread). I’m already wondering why they can’t just phone up Tourist Information in both places so they actually know where they should be looking for what – but that would be sane.

Whilst the voiceover tells us that Toad is vodka from Oxford Carina of course is convinced it’s bread. Whilst Marianne finds out Toad is a gin from Oxford, Pamela is getting exactly the same information for Empower. “Is there a bread version?” she asks. When told it’s definitely a gin she dismisses it breezily “OK maybe it’s a different thing”.

Lottie leads her chaps to the farm shop where she instructs them to go in “friendly nice and warm”. They have to collect their own freshly laid eggs just so we can watch Lottie taking her heels off to hop over the chicken wire into the chicken shit and pick up the goods. The cost is £2 a dozen – argued down to a quid because they’re “From London” (like that would work in real life) and Lottie’s saved them on labour. £1 saved. Amazing! Having said that Ryan Mark pays £2.75 for his eggs so every little might count.

Ryan Mark also manages to source a “bushel” (he seems to pronounce it in the Matt Berry style) and argue from £55 to £45.

Someone also explains to Pam that a mortar board is a clever hat for graduates. Christ almighty. They find one in a joke shop and Pam is all “WE NEED THAT HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO CHARGE ME?” Joke shop woman says £4.99 and firmly resists Pam’s haggling (“God luck with that – I happen to know this is the only joke shop with one of these for miles so I’ve got something nobody else has which you need”) before taking slight pity on them and parting with it for £4.70. An embarrassing 29p saved. Later on Thomas appears to buy a mortar board from the same joke-shop. “I’ve always wanted one of these” he burbles and Claude pulls a “For Fuck Sake!” face.

Riyonn find where to buy a snaffle but decides to leave it until the end of the day. What could go wrong?

In an antiquarian bookshop under the dreaming spires, Scarlet bonds with Christopher a lovely old book codger who shows her an 1878 copy of Alice in Wonderland in it’s original binding for £200. “I think you and me could work well on this Christopher” she ripostes “I have £30 in mind”.

I do think they have chemistry. Christopher chemistry.

She manages to argue him down to £175 (I think he’s just flirting) and asks if he will reserve it for a couple of hours as it is a lot of money – FOR A COLLECTOR’S PIECE. Marianne’s convinced she can get away with buying a reprint haggled down from £7.99 to £4.99 as the STORY is pre-war – but Scarlet is all angsty about it.

Thomas meanwhile has found a “bushel” of apples in terms of the amount – but the boxes are all cardboard. He suggests buying them anyhow and looking for the box, but they cost £64 and the woman on the till is all “that’s not my decision to make” when they try to haggle her down to £30. Meanwhile Lottie spots a crate that looks like a bushel but nothing seems to come of it as underling woman comes back with the final offer from her masters of £35 and they buy the apples and sod off.

Carina Jemelin and Ryan Mark get hideously lost in Cambridge looking for Toad round all the baker shops. “Let’s position ourselves” Jemelin suggests and they head (hurrah) to the library – only to find the sort of helpful library service that we can only dream of.

This woman has heard of nothing. (I hope she’s just having a laugh).

Everyone thanks her for being so helpful and they don’t even sound sarcastic – how do they do that?

Back in the ONLY BOOKSHOP in Oxford, Riyonn has been welcomed to Christopher’s lair.

Christopher uses his dark energy to also bond with Riyonn – then shows them the same sodding book and offers to hold it for an hour at £200.  Jemelin asks if he can argue it down to £90. These people have no idea. Riyonn discovers that other bookshops in Oxford are selling pre-war copies for up to £1000 and this is some serious shit.

Lottie asks Tom to lead with her for the Rigga Jigga which is a boat spanner. Thomas is straight in there with the nut-tightening bloke (“Right we need to buy this off ya how much do you need”). It’s revealed they cost a tenner to replace and it’s a very special spanner as it tightened the nuts on that boat that did the boat race (all the Rigga Jigga salesmen say this I reckon). Lottie worries Thomas is stepping outside of his remit so asks the Rigga Jigga man if he would be “kind enough to accept 12”. Huge kudos to him, he doesn’t double take at the insanity, but instead clearly takes the piss (“What about £15?”) which Lottie utterly misses. Before Thomas’s head explodes they shake on £12. What just happened?  Later Lewis meets the same bloke – asks how much, gets told a tenner and buys the  rigger jigger for 3 quid.

Lottie gives Marianne a snotty phone-call “Have you actually been able to buy anything yet?” and Marianne brags that she’s bought the book (“It was the ORIGINAL story” oh oh!) before being forced to admit it’s a recent reprint. Everyone facepalms and Dean points out that if the REAL pre-war book costed £175 the penalty would be double that. Scarlet’s still angsting about it but Marianne is fixated on spending less.

Ryan Mark gets the info that a Quant is a Punting Pole. Unfortunately he doesn’t know what a stupid punt is. Eventually Cambridge puts him right and they head TO THE RIVER (eventually) where Thomas is already negotiating with a smug bloke who insists on £200. Thomas offers £40. Lottie decides to get involved and go to £60, I mean what the actual fuck? Thomas uses his white male sexist skills to control this rapidly deteriorating situation “Just one second dahhling” and normally I’d be up in arms but she is being such a numpty. Thomas offers to settle it with a toss – of a coin – if smug bloke wins Thomas pays £50 otherwise £40 – Thomas loses but in a way he’s just saved a tenner. Lottie is incensed that he resorted to gambling in a negotiation – despite the fact he actually took the price down. He just stares out of the car window and grins.

By the time Ryan Mark reaches the river only Patrick is there on his point. “I love your pole!” exclaims Ryan Mark. “EASY!” warns Patrick who then insists that quants cost over £200 new and seeing as his one is old and tatty he can only accept £140. It’s argued down to £125 and Ryan Mark and team run off laughing with their pole whilst Patrick rubs his hands together. It wasn’t even his punt I bet.

Like a nice version of a Richard Curtis film there’s a last minute dash to the Bookshop with Riyonn getting in first and arguing down the book price to £165 (Christopher flirts both ways). Clutching his treasure Riyonn leaves the shop (“This book is the BANE OF MY LIFE” – what the story of a child out of their depth having to pass through various challenges and ultimately at the whim of power mad lunatics? I think it would be worth a read).

Seconds later (in telly time) Scarlet arrives and Christopher has to admit he sold the book as he hadn’t heard from her and it was getting late. Scarlet is all “Oh Christopher I thought we had a thing” but he reveals there is ANOTHER book, even more expensive at £225 which is also pre-war and in exchange for just a little bit more publicity he lets Scarlet haggle that down to £170.

So it’s time for Riyonn to but the Snaffle out of town but as the traffic is so bad he has to abort the mission and leg it to the meeting point in Oxford before the deadline. Everyone manages to get back in time, although Ryan Mark is practically mopping himself with the map at the sheer effort.

Boardroom time and Lord Sugz mocks Lottie for always being passed over as PM with a Passover gag cos he can. Dean says Lottie’s subteamleadership was like being “led by school teacher” and grasses up her unconventional haggling technique. Lottie is insistent there’s no room for gambling in business and predictably Sugar corrects her (“business IS a gamble!”) but she’s having none of it.

Marianne admits World War II started later from her perspective which confused her so Sugar can take the piss out of the Yanks for always turning up late. Sadly she doesn’t tell him we’d all be speaking German if it wasn’t for her parents … or grandparents.. or whoever it is was alive back then.

Sugar points out (to Lottie’s horror) that Empower thought the mortarboard was a plasterer’s erm thingy. “Did you think Quant was a Latin swear?” he quips.

Anyhow scores are in:

Empower got 7 items on which they spent £351.20 but with all the penalties that became £631.20

Unison got 8 items and spent £304.49 with only one fine so £369.49 . They are sent to do indoor rowing with an Olympic Champ. Sounds er great.

Empower head to the Sad Café for recriminations and Nescafe. Ryan Mark sticks the boot into Jemelin (“You couldn’t make decisions – you’re a bad leader and a bad manager!”) – brave when she could clearly destroy him with a fingernail.

Back in the boardroom Sugar picks on Jemelin for putting herself forward when she knew fuck all (because nobody else – not even Ryan Mark – would have put themselves forward if she hadn’t?).

Pam’s outed for having been told Toad was a gin (apparently the fine was £250 – which Carina the fucking “Toad is bread” obsessive points out) but she can’t remember the call.

Ryan Mark’s team purchased nothing in 5 hours whilst twatting about and they blame Jemelin. Of course they could have phoned and asked for direction but that would be mental.

Sugar reveals that they only got 2 items cheaper than the other team – so questions their negotiation skills.

Jemelin brings back Ryan Mark and Riyonn. Pam and Carina dodge bullets.

Sugar lays into Jemelin for her lack of leadership skillz and at first she foolishly tries to argue (“I am a great leader”) before settling for “At least I tried (out of my comfort zone)” platitudes.

Riyonn gets stick for having excuses for not getting the snaffle until he owns up to making a “mistake with time management and location”.

Sugar tells Ryan Mark he’s a (weather)cock who backed Jemelin as PM until it was clear they’d lost and Jemelin gets all feisty on Ryan Mark’s ass (“You wanted to save your neck!”) adding that she lost all respect for him the moment he voted for her to be PM (“Just to save yourself!”). “This is a conspiracy!” bleats Ryan Mark and then he blames Riyonn for not mentioning that Toad is a gin. “You’re very good at pointing the finger!” slams Jemelin.

So it’s time for them to justify their existence to Sugar. Ryan Mark wants to prove himself. Riyonn claims he’s just been unlucky to be on the losing team 5 times. Jemelin does the hard working immigrant story (“I came here 16 years ago, didn’t speak the language and worked my er (DON’T SAY BALLS) backside off”). I like her even though she wasn’t the best leader – and hope for the show’s sake they can stop firing people from minority or alternative backgrounds. Sugar clearly thinks the same as he lets her stay (with a marked card).

Ryan Mark is dismissed as “eloquent but a little bit slippery” which Sugar finds worrying but in the end Riyonn is fired as Sugar’s not convinced by him. HOMOPHOBE! (joke).

In the Taxi of despair Riyonn regrets the lost opportunity – FOR LORD SUGAR THAT IS! Ha.

Everyone back home is used to Ryan Mark glamming his way back in but seem shocked to see Jemelin, who is full of dark hyperbole (“UNTIL you sit in that Board Room you have NO IDEA what this game is about!”).

Next week they have to design a roller coaster – again – what could POSSIBLY go wrong?!

 

Liking:  Iasha, Jemelin, Scarlett

Warming to: Lewis

Meh: Carina, Pamela, Marianne

Disliking: Thomas, Dean

Pantomime Baddies: Lottie, Ryan-Mark

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn (won’t miss spelling his name again)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Handy Bendy Banana Guide to Who to Vote for in the Next General Election – Remoaner Edition with a spreadsheet!

Seeing as it’s looking more and more likely that we will be taking up our little pencils (or MASSIVE PENS if you are THE PEOPLE WHOSE WILL MUST BE OBEYED) and picking the least shitty option.

I’ve heard a lot of people talking about “tactical voting” or not being able to vote Labour. The bad news for them is you kind of have to vote for the best placed progressive party from the last election – and Labour at least have commited to a people’s vote. Let’s get the chance of leaving the EU out the way first, hope for a progressive coalition and pick the bones out of what’s wrong with it afterwards. I’m serious.

So I’ve channeled my inner nerd, downloaded all the 2017 election results from https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/parliament-and-elections/elections-elections/constituency-data-election-results/ and have built a good old fashioned spreadsheet which gives the last election results and my recommendations for who to vote for (and whether that tactic has any possibility of success).

Ta Daaa! Click on this to open the spreadsheet. Use the Constituencies tab to select your constituency using the drop down list from the grey cell at the top and the info should appear below for your constituency. (You may need to press Enable Editing if you have security settings like what I do – no trust).

Who do I vote for Election 2019-20

It’s far from perfect (and apologies for my NI buddies but I have a very poor understanding of who has skin in the game in Norn, and lump the DUP in with the baddies because they’ve backed up the Tories and seem to hate the gays and the women). I have no idea how unpleasant all the other parties might be. Again this is going to a vote and hold your nose exercise – it’s not about who wins as much as who you want to keep out – and my fear is The Tories, Brexit Party and UKIP getting in – more austerity fucking over the poor and vulnerable, more restrictions on our freedoms and more bigotry and small-mindedness.

I also think I may have erred on the side of optimism – looking again at my comments for Bernard Jenkin (my MPs) constituency – I’m hoping to somehow mobilise over 12,000 people and hope they don’t vote far right/Tory (same thing innit?). And some of those people will be dead! And although some will be young people voting for the first time – some of those young people might have been influenced by Brexity family and friends. Who knows! My attitude is at least have a go – even if a long shot it’s better than doing nothing! I just do sums me.

The Brexit Party will be interesting – will they nick back all those UKIP votes that went to the Tories last time? I think their voters will be more savvy now and back whatever is most likely to get them out of the EU asap – even if it’s a compromise or not ideal (i.e. Boris). So anyone who genuinely wants progressive politics in the UK should do the same.

Have fun with the attached – I knocked it up in a hour so there will be mistakes and the formatting sucks. But some people might find it interesting – even if they disagree.

Finally – I’m actually dreading an election followed by another referendum (even though personally it seems the only way potentially out from self harming the country for the sake of it) – but nerding out on stats has been oddly therapeutic. Hurrah!

 

 

 

The Apprentice S15 Ep4: Cycle Killers

Week 4 it’s stupid o’clock and Ryan Mark huskily takes the call (sounding like a sexy camp chat line)

summoning the candidates to the Transport Museum where they all stand in front of a bus (foreshadowing someone being throwing under one) to get the tenuously linked task of designing and pitching an electric bike (apparently it’s the fastest growing cycle sector due to lazy sods that don’t do pedalling) and picking accessories to sell at a launch event. Most money made wins.

Lottie reassures the girls that her having been in the final three last week was actually great “because I was able to have a one on one conversation and now know Lord Sugar far better than any of you”. More spin than that lasses head in the Exorcist.

The teams pick glorious leaders. Over on Unison (Lubna, Lottie, Marianne, Thomas, Scarlet, Riyonn) Lubna doesn’t even know how to ride a bike but she does have “good vision”. However Lottie’s family all own leccy bikes and her partner “used to own a bike company” (he was a pimp right?). Thomas sticks his oar in as he’s designed “a lot of pillows” and therefore as a white man he’s almost unanimously elected.

Empower (Carina, Pam, Jemelin, Iasha, Dean, Ryan-Mark, Lewis) have an easier task as Iasha mousily admits she designs electric products and is immediately anointed as PM.

Carina’s keen on a foldable commuter bike, but Iasha’s thinking yummy mummy with long and convoluted back-story and comes up with “Sophisticated Sarah” – and whilst Carina’s concerned it’s too niche, Iasha insists that “parents are a big market”. Good point. Iasha and Pam brainstorm in the car to the design studio whilst ignoring Dean’s suggestions. They think Sophisticated Sarah would like the brand name Aphrodite (maybe she’s looking for a sex toy online and oops she’s bought a bike by mistake). At the design agency she launches into Sophisticated Sarah’s life story whilst the others dig their fingernails into their palms in frustration. They end up with a design that looks like a blue lego folding toothbrush (admittedly I wasn’t wearing my specs) and Iasha wastes ages worrying that the tyres are too “aggressive” for sophisticated Sarah. Pam reasons that she doesn’t think Sarah gives a monkeys about tyres as she’s too busy organising dinner parties and living her best life by hoovering baby sick up with a diamante Dyson.

Thomas’s vision (whilst Lottie throws him evils) is more mature people trying to get fit and Marianne comes up with a banal tagline about “pushing the boundaries” which they all lap up. Lottie wants to head up the design team but Thomas insists on choosing Marianne even though Lottie points out regularly she DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A BIKE! He sends off Marianne, Lottie and Riyonn to design something that whilst being “the nuts” is also “nice and classy”. Poor Lottie feels that all her ideas are being ignored (although “ENER-G” and “Bye-Cycle” are shit) and is upset when Marianne suggests “Boundary” and Riyonn goes for it when nobody else but her actually HAS A BIKE! Riyonn suggests he’s “feeling burnt orange” (I had him down as a spray tanner) for the colour and Marianne’s all over it, adding red trim to the frame and wheels. Riyonn would prefer white trim, but Lottie argues it would get dirty (whereas he argues he’d just rinse it down). Karren observes they’re missing their target market. I think the white rocket Riyonn adds to the front confirms that.

The subteams choose accessories and Lewis (having seen the show before) suggests being enthusiastic about everything. Including the testicular “Rear bike lights” (Ryan Mark “I’ve never seen a pair of balls like that”)

and “Flashing Helmet” (Ryan Mark “etc etc). Jemelin and Ryan Mark both seem to appreciate the model wearing the tight bright lycra brand (Jemelin: “I’m South American guys – OK?”).

Everyone prefers the helmet.

Thomas’s strategy is to try to bully the accessories sellers to drop their retail prices whilst apparently giving no shits about the products. Because the helmet man won’t play ball they end up stuck with the lycra.

It’s time for the subteams to communicate back and Thomas and Scarlet are unimpressed by the name “Boundary” and the fact the bike looks like a retro acid flashback (Scarlet: “What 40 year old man wants a white rocket on the front of a bike” – all of them love. Thomas “What bloke is gonna wanna drive a bike with red wheels like a 4 year old?” The gay ones love). They decide to rename the bike and not tell the subteam (after all Thomas reasons, “They ignored me like a muppet”) and go for E-Fit. Cos it’s electric and gets you fit. He beasts poor Matt the design bloke to do his bidding until BOSH “Come on gels let’s get out of here I’m hungry”. What a twat.

Meanwhile Ryan Mark doesn’t mind Aphrodite but thinks the bike wouldn’t appeal to Sophisticated Sarah (who he has personally sold lingerie to). Even if it does have a sodding basket.

Accessories time. Empower are happy with their helmets. Over on Unison at least Riyonn thinks the lycra is cute. Marianne worries it’s kind of feminine and Lottie is sad Thomas told the helmet man to do one as everyone wears helmets whereas she reckons adventure cyclists tend not to wear lycra. Thomas responds in his trademark mockney bluster “Well why would they need a helmet if they were off the road” (complete tool isn’t he). “Well Tom you’re already selling it to me” she soothes with burning sarcasm.

Lottie finally notices the bike isn’t “Boundary” and Thomas admits to changing the name and there’s a mahoosive row as redwheelgate comes out with Riyonn and Marianne both blaming Lottie. Whilst she’s evil incarnate they’re wrong on this.

Consumer Feedback time and Unison approach a bloke who says “you don’t often see red rims on bikes” (there’s a joke in there somewhere) and a woman says E-Fit makes her think of cigarettes.

Empower approach a lot of women who agree that Aphrodite sounds feminine but are confused by it being blue (gender stereotyping ahoy) and think it’s more for commuting and they wouldn’t buy it anyhow.

Iasha, Carina and Dean prepare the launch and Iasha sets starting price for her horrible bike of £1700 with last ditch price as £1000. Ryan Mark brings the consumer feedback about it being more commuter-based.

Thomas sets the price for E-Fit as £1200 with £800 as a minimum. Oh oh.

The retailers all arrive and Marianne pitches e-fit competently whilst Iasha squeaks on about Sophisticated Sarah in her pitch for Aphrodite and hardly mentions the bloody bike it’s all “Sarah’s having a break in her career cos she can afford it, Sarah’s having a coffee, Sarah’s having a poo but her poo smells of patchouli and comes out in little bento boxes cos she’s so fucking sophisticated”.

Poor Scarlet and Lubna have to dress in the colourful lycra to sell it (Lubna failing notably bless her) whilst Thomas hangs around them in a Hawaiian shirt like he’s their pimp. Oh no wait he’s putting lycra on and getting his belly out and I have to go bleach my mind.

Marianne gets a chance to flog efit to Halfords (or is it Evans) and the blokes not sure about the colour so rather than saying “This is our prototype we can consult our design team on alternative colour schemes” she says “certainly sir let me drop the price by loads”. Duh.

Meanwhile Carina sells 125 units at £1300 and Iasha looks sad as it’s not the end of the day yet, but Carina’s attitude screams “oh just do one I just made 160k”.

Lottie manages to get a deal on 20 bikes for 24,000 and the retailer says they would take 25 at 1000 each, but when she consults Marianne she’s told to take the deal they shook on. Lottie looks sad. Karren looks bemused.  “In future if you look back at me I won’t give you an answer if that’s what you want” sharks Marianne, who is becoming the queen of Passive Aggressiveness in this episode.

Iasha spends ages waffling about the product to argue a bloke into buying 4 units rather than 3 (he would have said anything to get away at that point – missed a trick there Iasha). At the end of the day she sweetly and timidly tells everyone they’ve done a good job and she still stands by “Sophisticated Sarah”.

Thomas meanwhile is full of himself.

So it’s Boardroom time or as Sugar’s writers so wittily put it “The Great British Bike Off”. *tumbleweed*

Thomas double takes at the mention of “Sophisticated Sarah”. Empower complain about Iasha’s dithering. Ryan Mark looks distasteful at the recollection of the rear backlights “which were shaped like..” [gasps & clutches pearls, spits it out] “TESTICLES!”. Sugar thinks they would have been useful hung on a chopper. Hurl hur. Sigh. Unison argue about who was responsible for design and have no idea who sorted the pricings. Looking good.

Anyhow results time.

Unison made £14200 on lycra outfits and £423500 on bikes making £437000 – like it matters as Empower made over 1.2 fricking million quid on bikes alone with £22,410 on helmets making £1,265,210! Blimy o’criky etc. Even Thomas looks impressed and the rest of Unison stop slagging off Iasha for a bit in order to thank her (they go off go-kart racing where Dean manages to slag her off to VT for poor decision making – but she made over a million quid on those bikes and I don’t think the sales skills are THAT amazing in her team).

Thomas and his “friends” head off to sad café where Marianne has a proper American style go at him “People don’t want to follow you! You beat people down emotionally. You need to learn how to lead” (she also thinks he wants to throw her “under the bus” – so nice foreshadowing earlier eh). Ouch. Thomas just bemoans not going on the bike selling team.

Anyhow back in the boardroom Marianne lies that she had concerns about the choice of burnt orange as bike colour. Sugar points out the obvious that efits are photos of criminals. Thomas admits he doesn’t know how his pricing was sorted out and says he would have sold more bikes if he was on the other team, but Sugar points out that the other team sold more units at higher prices to the popular bike retailers so it’s a pricing fail as WELL as a sales fail. (For example Riyonn sold 125 at £880 whereas Carina sold the same amount for £1300). Despite this clearly being the case for the task fail Thomas brings back Lubna (Lubna “I disagree but OK”) and Marianne. Surely Marianne is toast here for her touchy feely American victimhood and failure to follow the spec? Surely Sugar won’t fire A FOURTH BAME CANDIDATE IN A ROW?

We-ell.

Thomas gets a kicking from Sugar for failing to “follow the money” and sell bikes rather than lycra – which would have saved my eyes from something they still can’t forget. Marianne launches into a satisfyingly complete takedown of Thomas which redeems her in my eyes and makes him bluster and fidget like Boris Johnson being asked if he spent public money on that woman he was infecting with his floppy disk. (“You don’t listen to anyone. You shut down my entire team. You’re a dic(k)tator not a leader. The only thing you’re concerned about is the Tommy show!) I get the feeling Thomas isn’t used to women talking back to him. Other than his old mum who he loves obvs.

Fricking right on sister you tell him!

So Sugar Summarises that Thomas has been on the losing team 4 times and Marianne made a “horrible” bike and didn’t follow the brief before pretending he’s going to fire Thomas but picking Lubna instead for being too boring for telly or something (I actually liked her – I am the kiss of death to all the ethnic contestants). In the taxi of regrets Lubna is sorry she couldn’t have shown Lord Sugar more.

Back in the house Lottie is quite smug about Lubna going and seeing as another contestant has outed Lottie for making a racist comment about Lubna on a group Whatsapp it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

Thomas gets to be a bit old school sexist too “all I’m gonna say is I feel sorry for Marianne’s husband cos she went in on me!” and suddenly there’s a knock on the door and it’s not the 1970s asking for their lines back but Lord Sugar trying to mix things up and make things exciting and whilst I’m chanting “Sack Thomas!” he oddly goes through the rules for the next task which is a treasure hunt as though they have to catch the 2am flight but no it’s in Oxford and Cambridge. If you’re going to have him visiting unexpectedly can you at least sex it up BBC? Have him turn the house into a Saw style torture trap fest – least fatal wounds wins?

He also switches around the teams a bit so Unison is now Iasha, Lottie, Marianne, Dean, Thomas, Scarlet. Empower is Carina, Pam, Jemelin, Riyonn, Ryan-Mark, Lewis. Like you care!

Giving me Life: Jemelin. Everyone needs to be more Jemelin.

Liking:  Iasha, Scarlett, Marianne

Warming to: Ryan-Mark

Meh: Carina, Pamela, Riyonn, Lewis

Disliking:  Dean

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

I hate him: Thomas

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna (this list will be an Only Connect Quiz in years to come)

Still in the Running? Sophisticated Sarah

The Apprentice S15 Ep3: Mockney Turtle Soup

Everyone gets to go to the Cambridge Theatre but sadly it’s ridiculoclock. On the Matilda Musical stage surrounded by strange magical objects (books) Sugar explains that Matilda is about an “extraordinary little girl” and Lottie is all like “Yeah that’s me bitch!”

So getting through the tenuous linkage the teams have to design a toy SPECIFICALLY for 6-8 year olds and produce and online video, then pitch to 2 major retailers – most orders wins.

Cos the boys are loozers there’s some mixing up. Thomas, Ryan and Souleyman swop with Carina, Jemelin, Iasha and Pam.

And there is the welcome return of the Team Name! What’s wrong with Karren’s Bitches or Claude’s Specials?

EMPOWER (suggested by Carina) now sums up Carina, Pam, Jemelin, Iasha, Dean, Ryan-Mark (I preferred his suggestion of “team fabulous!”) and Lewis. Pam, who designs and sells cosmetics is voted leader.

Over on the as YET unnamed Other team of Lottie, Marianne, Thomas, Scarlet, Lubna, Riyonn and Souleyman; Lottie suggests Polaris (and BECAUSE it is a missile – never mind Left Field, this lady is Far Right Field). Marianne looks a bit scared.

Thomas looks weak – Scarlet knows why. He’s worried about the size of his missile.

Marianne suggests Unison as a little more peaceful (less terrifying) – I sort of imagine this will remind Lottie of scary dirty Union folk that her mummy and daddy warned her about – but everyone else backs the name UNISON and Lottie looks vengeful.

Thomas puts himself forward to lead UNISON as he designs stuff and sells to retailers. Marianne forces him to admit that’s only pillows and he’s only sold toys dahn the market.

Riyonn jumps in – having manufactured a game and “done commercials” he claims to know EVERYTHING about the marketing side. He wins the vote and is REALLY EXCITED (pic), but I personally love that Souleyman votes for neither.

It’s toy talk time. Lottie wants a rewarding toy “Well done you were very brave today” because robotic emotions clearly never did her any harm.  Riyonn wants a “fun interactive animal toy”. (No NOT that!) and makes Thomas team leader of the design team (Scarlett and Lottie) mainly because Riyonn doesn’t care about design – he wants to dick about making a video.

The EMPOWER girls talk toys and it all gets a bit steamy with Carina wanting a rampant rabbit or at least a unicorn – I get confused.

And Jemelin confessing that SLIME takes her to her special place.

They end up plumping for Carina’s compromise – a unicorn with its own personal beakerful of slime. Pam has “never heard of anything like that before in the world of unicorns and slime”. Well I haven’t heard of dog poo ice cream sundaes in the world of dog poo and ice cream sundaes. Doesn’t make it a good idea. Pam wants Iasha, Carina and Dean to join her on the design team and Lewis is a bit miffed he doesn’t get put in charge of the branding and pitching sub-team as he has an MA in Marketing dontcha know. He clearly doesn’t like to mention it more than four times in any task. Pam is resolute that a girl has to lead the sub team and picks Jemelin to “whip the boys into shape”. Dean’s already clearly pussy whipped into submission (Ryan-Mark doesn’t need it as he’s the team’s GBF) so poor Lewis makes a sad face especially when Pam points out “you’ve lost twice we need to win”. Some cream for that burn love?

The design teams get sent to build their prototype in East London where EVERYTHING seems to happen. Iasha gets confused by all the girly talk of unicorns (“Aren’t we straying too much from the slime?”) but Pam ignores this (“slime is slime”). Thomas comes up with a motivational turtle that fits onto your hand (Scarlet’s idea – she then goes on for ever about how boring and childish the idea is – “my daughter wouldn’t buy it” – would your daughter buy anything really?).

I say a turtle. Or is it an ashtray?

No it’s definitely TOMMY the talking turtle.

Lottie outs Thomas for naming the toy after himself and even Claude has a good old smirk. Accordingly Thomas, like Frankenstein, is desperately protective of his creation (“We can make him supercool”). Maybe it will end up destroying him.

Everyone else goes to make videos. I do love Ryan Mark staggering out of the mini-van like a spent groupie.

It’s STORYBOARD time with Riyonn and his animal gang (hastily renamed “animal squad” by Marianne). The “vibe” Riyonn is after is “6-8 year olds kinda like fun quirky”… it’s all a bit Yewtree. He decrees that his subteam should dance dressed as different animals (“I know it’s super cheese! But it could work”) and everyone winces. “What dances?” Souleyman asks, not unreasonably. “We don’t know yet!” gurns Riyonn. Oh that’s the joy of it… I guess. There’s a very brief call to Thomas who is all proud dad (“We designed something speshul”) and Riyonn is only interested in the buttons and asks no questions. Oh dear. Riyonn is all “happy fun time” on the shoot. Nobody else is.

Souleyman is a particularly sad turtle and who can blame him. He gets more sullen and argumentative after people ignore his valid concerns until Claude observes he’s offering no positivity. Oh dear.

Cut to Lewis stating “dance videos are overdone”. EMPOWER are going for narrative arcs, with ye storyteller Ryan-Mark’s epic tale of the Unicorn kidnapped by an evil villain (not Tim Curry sadly) who sets a ransom demand of SLIME – and the Queen’s effort to rescue her beloved horny horsey. Everyone loves it – especially Ryan-Mark (“This is a REALLY good idea yeah!”). Ryan Mark is such a diva in the video shoot and Jemelin is also a fab queen –

– but Karren looks like she fucking hates them all and wants them to die as they make her feel all old and not down with the kids.

Then Ryan Mark goes “ahahah I have the unicorn” and this happens (I’ve kept the BBC in the screenshot in case you think it is speciality porn.

Back at the drawing board Pam’s subteam want eyelashes, and much more pinkness and glitter till even Dean objects.

Thomas’s turtle designed – he starts doing the voice. Cockney of course. “I ‘ave travelled the ocean all on my own” he says. Scarlet thinks it sounds too old so he repeats it squeakily (“I can do me age 13”) after slamming his clackers in a fridge or something.

Finally Jemelin’s subteam get to see the toy. A little pink glittery unicorn. So “nothing that says slime” as Lewis observes, also pointing out solemnly “That is a my little pony”.

The teams watch the adverts. Carina observes that slime is mentioned a lot. “Slime still features?” asks Jemelin and Carina looks shifty “Yeah 100%”. She still insists she’d buy the unicorn with accessorised slime, despite the misgivings of the rest of the team.

Thomas  unveils Tommy the emetic Turtle (“I’m lucky to be your friend because you’re always so kind”), but Souleyman worries it is not “reusable” and again is ignored (“They’re trying to suppress me”). Scarlet again worries about it being aimed at the wrong demographic. Nobody listens.

It’s pitch time and Lewis is annoyed he hasn’t been picked as he’s a “marketing expert” (really? You didn’t mention that!). He’s sent to gather public feedback.

At the department store someone suggests gently that Tommy the Turtle is for toddlers and Thomas just insists that they’re wrong and that Tommy the talking turtle is your bezzie and cheers you up. The retailers insist it needs to be cooler but Thomas is not listening La La La! I love you Tommy Turtle and you’re gonna be the biggest craze yes you are! Post pitch he “just sees positives”. Weapons grade delusional. Excellent.

Sparkle Star in next and the retailers say “Oh look a My Little Pony” so Pam drags Dean in (except she calls him Lewis as she secretly wants Lewis – although she’s not impressed when he suggests this in the boardroom) to say “On trend” and “yah” a bit but it doesn’t work and they don’t get the video. Pam is stuck until Iasha wakes up and explains the concept (“The slime kingdom is an amazing fantasy land with houses made from slime – the main material is slime and that’s where sparkle star lives”) that they somehow UNDERSTAND it.

To the Focus group where the most eerily self-possessed kids since The Shining brilliantly condemn Sparkle Star for gender stereotyping proving themselves way more woke than anyone on team EMPOWER. They’re also confused by the slime meets unicorn concept – and would have preferred more slime. Jemelin suggests one of the team should take that feedback into the next pitch but Pam tells them to do one. Hamleys ask again about how the unicorn relates to slime and Iasha looks like she might talk again but somehow decides not to. Oh well.

Next the kids tear Tommy the Twatty Turtle a new asshole. BORING! “It just talks and lights up”, “If you’re seven you would think it was babyish”. Souleyman’s all “You see – they want to be stimulated” till even Marianne tells him to shut up. Lottie points out one eight year old liked it so she is dragged into the pitch to Hamleys where she promptly suggests that the customer feedback was “varied” which Hamleys don’t like the sound of. Thomas goes crazy ape bonkers afterwards but Lottie “CANNOT TELL A LIE” (unless it’s an evil one).

Boardroom Time and Sugar is keen to reiterate that the task was TO DESIGN A TOY for the SIX TO EIGHT Year Old Market.

SEXISM SCANDAL: Lewis says Pam told him one of girls should be in charge of the boys and Pam claims he’s talking out of context. Ryan Mark is asked what he thought of the unicorn and he describes it as “erm attractive”. The advert is played and hilariously Sugar mistakes Ryan-Mark’s voice as Alan Carr’s. One man. Many comedians. The oddly prescient Sugar describes the advert as looking like “a climate change protester being manhandled”. Iasha admits she utterly winged her explanation of the concept.

It’s pointed out that TEAM UNISON have been less than united. Hahah. The toy is dissed as too young and everyone sniggers at Riyonn’s video. “I wanted it to be fun and viral” he sulks. As though you can create “viral”. Anyhow Orders time.

Iasha managed to get 200 units ordered by the department store. UNISON didn’t get any orders. Hamleys didn’t order anything although had they been after a pre-school toy they would have ordered Tommy. But they didn’t.

Pam looks smug as EMPOWER go for toy themed cocktails and a filthy looking balloon modelling masterclass from the terrifying Miss Ballooniverse who teaches the boys about pink javelins.

It’s funny cos they look like cocks.

UNISON go to the sad café the sound of Souleyman’s whinging ringing in their ears. Thomas gets all lairy “at least I ad a go what did you do? You can’t rely on me to do everything all the time – I’m only human” (allegedly).

Back in and Sugar points out that the task was LOST because they got the wrong target age. So Riyonn like an idiot brings back Souleyman and Lottie (I think it’s a ploy to get rid of Souleyman) and Thomas gets away scot bleedin free despite refusing to believe and accept he was wrong.

Riyonn accuses Lottie of messing up the second pitch and she points out they failed in the first one without her. Ohh she’s good. She disses Riyonn’s decision making to the point where he wishes he’d brought Marianne in (NOT THOMAS???). Poor doomed Souleyman admits “I can somethings be over analytical or critical” and she starts laying into him. To his credit he ignores her and carries on talking to Lord Sugar as though she’s not there. Riyonn calls Souleyman “very abrupt”. He seems so sweet so perhaps Riyonn is a tad over-sensitive? Souleyman rightly says he wasn’t constantly negative, but Sugar’s had enough and fires him (with regret). Oh dear. Right after Dev went out of Strictly the first three weeks of the Apprentice need to be sent on Diversity training methinks.

Somehow Riyonn avoids a double-sacking and they’re sent home (Lottie wishing Souleyman “the best of luck” as though she’s the queen). In the TAXI of COULD OF SHOULD OF, Souleyman fantasises about winning a gold medal in athletics and a big fat cheque in business (not a mail order bride) so he can taunt Lord Sugar with all his success. Yeah! (I still love him).

Next episode they’re selling bikes. That’s it.

Liking:  Lubna, Jemelin, Scarlett, Marianne, Iasha

Warming to: Ryan-Mark

Meh: Carina, Pamela, Riyonn, Lewis

Disliking: Thomas, Dean

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman (sob)

BUT IT’s NOT RACIST LIKE STRICTLY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Apprentice S15 Ep2: The Iceman Cometh (and go-eth)

Our shiny suited shitclowns are summoned to Ally Pally at 4am. Gathered on the Ice Rink, Lord Sugz reveals in another tenuous link the task is about ice. You can just see the girls thinking “Oooh! Diamonds” but no it’s making ice lollies to flog to Joe and Jo Public plus a bespoke model to corporate clients. Most profit wins.

Angry Lewis channels his inner Bruce Willis as he declares he can’t deal with seeing the girls smug faces again.

Yippee kiyay Mofos

 

This year the teams don’t even bother with wanky names like Executwunt or BizFart, so we’re straight in with a power struggle between Kenna (who has an ice cream business FFS and has “played with lollies before” (ooer)) and Riyonn who has eaten food and therefore declares his skillz to be equal to the team’s very own Mr Whippy. There’s a vote and only Thomas is mad (or Brexity) enough to vote for Riyonn. Kenna chooses Dean to lead the corporate sub-team much to the chagrin of Ryan-Mark, who has a face like a slapped bum for the rest of the episode (“If we fail it’s on you. I am a multi award winning public speaker” etc etc).

Mega flounce.

 

Bakery boss Carina leads the girls. Easy peasy. No arguments. They choose a retro sweets theme. Carina wants Lottie to lead the subteam as she’s bigged herself up as someone who can deliver a design brief, but Lottie insists she picks Marianne due to her “experience”.

We finally meet Marianne. She’s an optimistic yank (she thinks she can deal with any challenges from Lottie – good luck with that).

To the design lab go Carina, Pamela, Lubna and Jemelin. They create a cherry cola and liquorice monstrosity (it could be worse – it’s nearly “cheesy cola” with some cream cheese folded in. Yum!).

Kenna is all about the profit margin, working out the cost per unit of everything and coming up with some bizarre concoction of blueberries, stem ginger and lavender cos it’s cheap as chips.

Off to a Beauty Brand in East Lahndan and having agreed the pitch plan in the car Dean decides to change everything. Ryan Mark and Souleyman have a little mutiny and Dean appeals for respect (“Let’s make sure we smash it”). Dean wants to get an understanding of the client’s “ethos” and they insist on QUALITY. Dean manages to eventually get them to agree to 90 lollies at £3.85 each (having at first increased the price and doubled the quantity offered – oops). Ryan Mark is disgusted “You made a U turn! You are a U turn!” whilst Claude shakes his head in dismay. Kenna calls in “How did it go?” and Dean is all “Yeah alright” before confirming that the clients want glitter, raspberries and coconut milk lollies. “Don’t make it awful” pleads Dean. Cut to the boys stirring glitter into more and more coconut milk as Riyonn can’t get enough of the stuff. Kenna strictly rations the coconut milk as he doesn’t give a shit how the bespoke lollies taste, he’s not wasting 5p extra per unit (“This is a pricing task” – erm. It turns out that coconut milk makes glitter go non-glittery. Shocked that Riyonn didn’t realise this. Also confused as to why the boys don’t just roll them in glitter. Have we learned nothing from Drag Race?

Lottie, Scarlett, Iasha and Marianne pitch to their Plant corporate clients and big up the high end aspect of their lollies requesting £3.75 each. The client only wants to offer £3 and Lottie pipes up with £3.50. Having agreed they would discuss pricing, Scarlett’s left in the embarrassing position of requesting a time out (during which time the clients wait patiently despite obviously being able to hear Lottie doing the LOUDEST WHISPERING EVER). Back in finally Scarlett suggests er £3.50 (“We can just about make it work”). The client accepts. Scarlett then does the sums wrong working out the costs and it’s all somewhat of an omni shambles but somehow they get away with it.

3am and time for a “lolly making masterclass”. Carina thinks “We’ve got all the elements to succeed today -what could go wrong?” Duh duh DUH.

Kenna manages an effective production line with everyone knowing their roles from mixing to freezing to labelling and packing. The girls all bicker and flail about. “Er Jemelin can you put them in the whatever that is… the freezer thing” instructs Carina. Slick.

I do like how only some of the boys care about hygiene.

Kenna inquires casually as to delivery time for the corporate client and Dean is all “Erm Um” (Say something!) “er First thing in the morning”. Whoopsie he hasn’t arranged an appointment. Ryan Mark is all “told you so!” and grasses up Dean for changing his pitch plan. “That doesn’t stop you saying something” Kenna snaps. “We weren’t allowed to speak” fibs Souleyman. Kenna tries to be positive and knuckle down to getting the corporate lollies out first. They look a bit like a porno milky maid when complete and Dean isn’t impressed. Riyonn retorts that “You didn’t give us a bespoke specification – just flavours” and they all have a big shouty match until Kenna stops them all and demands that Dean just sell them as best he can. Ryan Mark motivates him in the car by listing the many ways in which their lolly is shit (“Invisible glitter, looks like a penis”).

Brand name idea “Heaven on a stick”

 

They get there for the morning delivery at 1pm and wait for ages for the woman to appear. Souleyman contributes by getting Dean to move the box around so it doesn’t act as a “barrier” between him and the client. The state of those lollies I’d WANT a barrier. Ryan Mark does a lot of haughty disappointed looks and they wait some more.

Lottie (natch) is in charge of posh corporate lollies and adds half a fucking shrubbery to each. “Hurry up” urges Jemelin. “This is a gourmet product” sneers Lottie. Jemelin restrains the urge to kill and instead does a great Lottie impression “Nurrrr Eees Gourmeet”. They do look good if a tad arboreal when they come out and Lottie sets to snipping off any leaves that are sticking out. Karen tries one and grimaces “It’s like eating a garden” (maybe they could brand them “Lady Garden”?). The clients are frightened by the foliage and the girls take yet ANOTHER time out to sift through the box of frozen goods in the sunshine looking for ones good enough to sell. Whilst the clients wait inside. Lottie suggests working out a price but Marianne points out they don’t know how many lollies there are to sell yet. Eventually they find 80 and go back inside where amazingly the clients still agree to buy. There’s more fricking idiocy as Lottie can’t work out the new price (“I’m sorry it’s off the top of my head – if you could help me out” – you know your phone has a calculator on it right?!) and Karen winces. Outside Marianne confronts Lottie “You mentioned we should do the maths” and Lottie is all “You are Sub Team Leader and you said no”. Marianne accuses Lottie of picking her as sub team leader to throw her under the bus (probably correct) and Lottie insists it’s because “YOU ARE OVER TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME”. Hahaha! She is so evil.

“Me? I’m just a librarian – who happens to be MUCH, MUCH younger than you!”

 

Carina’s retro lollies are ready and Jemelin urges Lubna to pack them carefully with ice at the top to keep them frozen. So of course she just chucks them in the box. At the zoo they open the box (penguins looking hopefully on) and they’ve all broken or melted. Oopsie. “Do we know who packed them?” asks Pamela and Lubna looks a bit sheepish. “They can eat them in pieces” declares Carina, like the Marie Antionette of iced goods.

The rest of the boys gather at Regents Canal in boater hats with Thomas doing his best Cockerney Barrel Boy Bantz and annoyingly selling really well. (“Gis that fiver, I’ll give you a pahnd!”. Woman “This tastes like my nan’s wardrobe” Thomas “See it’s bringing back nice memories”) and Claude is impressed.

Dean and his team are still waiting to be seen! The woman eventually turns up (“I wasn’t sure what time we were meeting”) all excited to see the lollies. And then the box is opened. “That looks a bit rude”. She thinks it doesn’t look premium and suggests they are only worth a quid each. Dean offers £3.50, £2.85 and £1.25 rather than just biting her hand off for the £90 and in the end she’s just annoyed and tells them to sling their hook and take their sad phallic lollies with them. Kenna isn’t happy. He’s fuming! He’s raging! But he tries to rally everyone to “sell sell!” even though he’s sad they didn’t just try to get a quid each to make some profit (Dean to his credit looks embarrassed here, but he still blames the product).

In the boardroom, Lottie gets stick for not listening to her PM and taking the sub team leader role. Marianne’s compared to Theresa May for coming back with exactly the same offer of £3.50 (although let’s face it – better than no deal – bitta politics eh)?

Kenna states that with his “understanding from a lolly perspective” (with a stick up your bum?) he thinks healthy options would sell best (WHAT?). Ryan Mark moans that Kenna didn’t hold a vote for Sub Team Leader and Sugz is all “that’s his prerogative” so Ryan Mark boohoos “I understand but I didn’t have the option”. Dean is outed for not taking a quid per lolly and Thomas starts interrogating him until Sugar asks “Do you wanna sit over here?” Sadly it seems Sugz has fallen for the cheeky cockney market trader charm and declares Thomas a “hero” for his selling prowess.

Anyhow results time – the boys spent a lot less and made £439 profit. Continuing in the trend of “surprise” endings the girls spent a lot more and made £545 profit. They’re sent to West Ken Spa to get their bums tickled with the filling snipped from their ice lollies as some sort of bizarre punishment.

Something about bushes.

 

The Boys troop to Café doom again with Sugar unimpressed. Kenna blames his subteam and Thomas insists they should have sold the willy lolly given he managed to flog something with bladdy lavender in it. Dean still blames the piss poor product.

Lottie has chosen “ten years older” Marianne to backstab this week. “She could have been assertive – if you have a problem with me being dominating just tell me” she smarms to camera. I have a feeling she’s playing a Hopkins game here.

Back in the boardroom and Sugz reveals that the true task was making the bespoke item high quality enough to sell (who knew!). Kenna blames the poor info from his corporate team and Ryan Mark swoops in “You are selling yourself as a food connoisseur”. “I DON’T DEAL WITH GLITTER” insists Kenna (This must be in a BBC guidebook somewhere). We’re treated to the willy lolly again which Sugar describes as looking like “medical waste” and an increasingly shaken Kenna brings back Dean and Ryan-Mark who complains again about Kenna’s “executive decision as PM to not listen to me” (How entitled is this dude?).

Dean keeps “holding his hands up” and Sugar asks if he’s admitting liability. “No” squeaks Dean. Whereupon Kenna holds his hands up. Doh! Ryan-Mark insists he deserves to be in the process but Sugar’s not impressed (“I don’t like people who stir up trouble”). For a second it looks like Dean will rightly go for losing out on the money from the corporate client and sitting around like a tit for ages, but eventually poor Kenna goes and didn’t even get decent advertising for his ice cream business. Although those pink willies could go down a storm at Pride – just roll them in the glitter boys. Poor Kenna has a little sob even though he admits in the taxi of regret that he knew he was a “dead man walking” when the task was lost. Despite him having been 24 Sugar seems to have saved 19 year old Dean and 20 year old Ryan Mark because they are mere foetuses and he wants to tell them to GROW UP and stop blaming people. Like that’s gonna happen in 16 weeks.

Back at the house Ryan-Mark auditions for a Lloyd Weber musical with the campest return to the house ever.

“Enchante!”

 

This could only have been more flamboyent had he grabbed that rose and danced in with it clenched between his buttocks.

Meanwhile Dean insists the girls are “NEVER winning again”. It’s all getting a bit Incel on Boyteam.

Next week they have to design a toy – and (joys!) make an advert.

 

Liking:  Lubna, Jemelin, Scarlett, Marianne

Still crushing on: Souleyman

Meh: Iasha, Carina, Pamela, Riyonn

Disliking: Thomas, Dean, Ryan-Mark

Anger Management Issues: Lewis (they’re all going to be needling him from now on)

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna

The Apprentice s15 e1: I’ve never met a nice South African wine tasting guide.

I missed the show when it was aired as it was my birthday and like an idiot I went out for drinks and food rather than camping in front of the telly. Anyhow via the magic of iplayer we’re back to the sweeping chrome and glass majesty of Canary Wharf where the BBC are determined to pretend Lord Sugar’s secret lair is, rather than at a Premier Inn in Brentwood.

“In a time of economic uncertainty” the Voiceover tells us, “bold players can win big”. Especially if they’re gambling on a No Deal Brexit plunging us into a dystopian nightmare where everyone is forced to burn old Amstrad computers for heat and eat chalk instead of camembert. Eh?

Our 16 clueless twats Entrepreneurs are filmed looking hungry, driven and a bit erm lost and confused like they’re waiting for the mothership to beam them up.

Above: Still from M. Night Shyamalan’s latest film: The Befuddled

Jesus Christ it’s a baby clone of Michael McIntyre. It is, as the prophecy foretold, the end of days.

Above: Comply with my demands earth creatures or I will do the bit about spice racks again.

Baby Macintyre who is called Ryan-Mark, although I have it on my own authority that the first part of his hyphenated twatfest of a name is really NO, apparently has “Such expensive tastes” that he needs BILLIONS not millions. And that’s just to keep his man-drawer stocked.

Next we have self-styled ambitious Latina, Jemelin “You can actually cut me and ambition comes out of my blood”.

There’s an obligatory chubby barrow boy, Thomas, who’s made a “Thahhhsand mistakes in business already” – not least already quoting bloody Del Boy in his VT. Apples and fucking pears tosser.

Above: One man, two guvnors, many pies.

Isn’t this that woman Boris Johnson gave all that public money to so he could learn about IT through the medium of pole dancing? Hasn’t she had ENOUGH of our hard-earned British readies.

My mistake it is Pamela who is confident her established business (a beauty brand – natch) will make Sugar millions.

Events Manager Riyonn (no hyphen but his parents can’t spell) has a little black book he is very proud of. Guessing it’s not 50 shades.

There’s Shahin, “the falcon” (because his name means Falcon – bless) and Lottie, a librarian megabeeyatch femmebot from the future who states confidently that nothing in business is too far for her. That’s because it’s only in the B section love.

I’ve taken an early shine to Souleyman Bah, a Paralympian sprinter with tunnel vision, a big stick and a cool name.

Above: Souleyman Bah. *Resists joke about letting him look at my tunnel anytime.

Anyhow everyone hands in their proposals to be shredded and enters the boardroom, the women somehow under the impression it’s a Quality Street theme party.

Above; Effs sake Marianne you were meant to be the Purple One. The camera is gonna ignore you for the rest of the show!

Our favourite beardy bollock-headed peer warms them up with some topical material (“Back when we started Brexit sounded like another Kellogs Serial”) and reminisces how he’s had them all in the boardroom (ooer): “Chancers, posers, brown nosers, moaning minnies, halfpint Harrys..” (evil scheming tribunal happy blondes, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub), before explaining that they are there to win “a £250,000 investment in a joint business with him of which they will each own 50%” (in case nobody understood the word joint there).

Shahin the Falcon is mocked for suggesting a name for this joint business (the rather funny Shamstrad). “I’ve never fired anyone before the process before but you’re a contender” quips Sugar. “Yes, I am a contender” says Shahin cos he doesn’t do jokes.

There’s some Shakespearean bants with Lottie the Librarian (“Though she be but little she is fierce”, Sugar “Midsummer Night’s Dream Act 3, Scene 2, right?).

Iasha, an account manager has called herself a “Pocket Rocket”. So annoying shortarse then.

Michael McIntyre clone No-Mark (in Women’s Wear at Harrods, no really) even laughs at his own rubbish “jokes” (“You describe yourself as like a pig in business” “Yes HAHAHAH!”).

Anyhow the BBC blow their budget by sending them all to Capetown in that SarfEfrica for the First Task. Tourism is booming in Capetown and it’s down to the candidates to put a stop to that monopolise on that by running a bespoke tour in the surrounding countryside, most profit wins but refunds we are warned eat into profit. Claude oversees the girls and Karen the boys.

Everyone mingles (Thomas: “I sell pillas (pillows) on the old lawnmower (Lawnmower Man-Van)”, No-Mark “That’s so interesting (I’d like to smother you with a pillow)”) and we meet a few more capitalist businesspigdogs. Scarlet deals “with multi-million pound clients on a daily basis” (she runs a recruitment company) and Dean (Sports Management) is “Here to win” and looks like every other dull male candidate from every series of this show. There’s also “Disgustingly ambitious” accountant Lubna.

The BBC doing their own bit for Capetown tourism, I mean I’ve never been to SarfEfrica having been too heavily influenced by Spitting Image as a child but it looks stunning (my brother is going to Capetown soon and don’t tell him but I’m jealous).

Above: Table Mountain. My favourite geographical bit of household kit. Followed by Chertsey, Bedrock & Sex-Dungeon Lake.

The teams choose a glorious leader. Girls “er has anyone been to SarfEfrica before?” “No” “Does anyone want to volunteer to be PM” (tumbleweed), Scarlet: “Something profit and loss”, Rest of Girls “Lead us! Lead us!”

Digital Marketer Lewis confesses he once ran events and the boys elect him PM immediately – even though he later confesses they were only booze cruises for his mates. Never open your mouth in the first meeting.  They turn to their black co-competitors for the sweet and lowdown on Africa like they are ethnic oracles. Actually, Souleyman has African heritage and confidently states that all the tourists go there for safari animal action.  Kenna (who sounds like he actually has a bit more South African knowledge) mentions the famous wine trade, but Thomas aint listening, he’s seen Madagascar and you can see a cheeky vino anywhere in the world but not some animal ass safari action.

The girls of course go for a wine tour. They know fuck all about SarfEfrica but they fricking love wine.

Scarlet works out that tickets normally cost 2000 rand (about 107 quid) but Lottie suggests they brand it as a luxury and ask for 2500 rand as it sounds more “elite”.  Claude’s worried they’re setting expectations too high. Not ours. Pamela, Scarlet, Iasha and Marianne (another identikit blonde lady who we see hardly anything of this week). Lottie’s determined to lead the tour team as she “once worked in the UK’s best wine” and she knows SarfEfrica “has a population of 51 million” and after a tense credential-off she pulls hacky faces when Jemelin is chosen instead to lead her, Lubna and Carina (a rough diamond type baker). “Do we get to test the wine” Jemelin asks hopefully. “Remember ladies, spit, don’t swallow. We need to stay sharp” Lottie warns and Carina cackles. Filth.

The boys decide to ask for 1850 rand for their safari (90 quid) – sounds a bloomin bargain. Lewis takes barrer boy Thomas (“We’re gonna SMASH this – if we lose I’ll eat my hat”), Dean and erm Shahin to sell tickets with him (Thomas: “We’ll sell all the tickets then ave a nice bit of dinna!” Oh shut up).

Riyonn’s subteam meet the nice lady running the game reserve half boys – and promptly piss her off by offering 450 rand per ticket when she’s advertising at 995 rand (“we can’t do business on those terms”). Kenna tries to salvage things by clawing her back to around 850 and Riyonn shakes hands on 800 but only 700 each if they sell all 16 tickets. She warns them not to promise they will see the “big 5” (not The Jacksons or Take That but rhino, lion, elephant, leopard and buffalo) as these are animals in the wild. Cue clips of the sales team promising tourists they won’t just see the big five but get to take selfies, get autographs and make sweet lurve to them. Riyonn calls and says they need full capacity and whatever you do “Don’t offer the big five as a definite”. Everyone looks sheepish “No we won’t”.

At the vineyard Jemelin asks the lowest price and they agree on a 30% discount if they sell all 16 seats. They don’t even work out what the cost is but go ahead and shake on it. At the waterfront the sales team are trying to sell at 2500 per person but nobody’s buying. Scarlet wants to hold it at the highest price but nobody seems to communicate with the tour team as to what their deal is. Pamela finds some Irish people. “Do you like wine? You’re Irish of course you like wine! Hahaha get me and my hilarious stereotyping! Top of the lucky charms to you!” etc.

Above: It’s definitely bonking Bozza’s Technological Adviser though.

One asks “Is there lunch?” “That’s a great question” she stalls, looking at her team for help. “Er yes!” they all say. “We will feed you. We’re not gonna let you starve!” Finally Jemelin calls. The sales team confirm they’ve only shifted 4 tickets at 2300 and Jemelin pulls a horror face.

Above: Why is this happening to me? Why?

Scarlet asks if there will be any food and Jemelin says no and it’s Scarlet’s turn to pull a horror face as she pleads, lip a trembling “we promised food”.

Above: Oh God. They’re all gonna STARVE!

Lottie is hardcore “Do NO give false promises! DO NOT OFFER FOOD” before bitching to camera, “This is a massive inconvenience these girls caused”. She is loving this.

To the plain where the scat man guide finds leopard tracks and a carcass, explaining “leopards always disembowel their prey as they eat the inside first” and No-Mark goes “mmmmm!”

Above: “MMmmm”

The guide finds some springbok poo and gets all nostalgic about a game they used to play where they spat the poo out of their mouth, demonstrating. Souleyman’s having some of that action and duly spits out the poo much to Karen’s DisgustFace. Of course due to his tunnel vision Souleyman probably didn’t spot the guide replacing the poo with a chocolate raisin before he put it in his mouth.

It’s time for wine tasting at the Vineyard and Lottie is ever so excited as she worked in the UK’s best wine bar but never mentions it. She goes into megaponce overdrive (“I absolutely LOVE pinotage!”). The rest of the team ask the woman from the vineyard (presumably an expert) how long wine can be left open. She starts explaining that it shouldn’t be left overnight (oops) and Lottie’s already butting in “Pinotage you might get away with”. The wine expert lady looks annoyed and Claude smirks. Lottie carries on blithely patronising everybody. Everyone looks sad. Jemelin hopes that having sabotaged their chance to learn something from the wine expert that Lottie does a shit hot wine tasting demo for the tour.

Time to plan the tours in the evening. Kennan notes that facts and figures don’t matter – it’s how you make people feel. This is how Brexit happened.

Lubna is tasked with giving a tour of the wine cellar. Lottie agrees to run the tasting but demands they pour the wine “neatly and nicely” for her. Lubna’s starting to crack “It’s pouring liquid in a glass how hard can it be?” Lottie gives her evils. “It’s a luxury experience – no offence!” Miaow! Later Lottie’s talking over Jemelin and Lubna asks her nicely to stop interrupting. “I’m CONTRIBUTING..” Lottie corrects her “And you’ve just disrupted the ENTIRE group! So don’t be so rude!” Oooh. We’re a few episodes from a full on cat fight in jelly already and everyone looks at their pens to try to ignore the toxic atmosphere.

Scarlet’s been forced to drop ticket prices to 600 each (from 2300!) and they manage to shift their last 4 tickets to some alcoholics. Of course they have to admit that they sold most of them for 1700 less so there’s going to be some pissed off punters if any discuss what they paid.

The boys also have four tickets to sell and it’s time for the Falcon to swoop! In his creamy suit he smoozes up to a likely group. “Erm it’s a safari. Erm it’s gonna be really good. Erm. Gonna see the big erm five” Oh dear the Falcon has been on the pesticides again. Thomas senses weakness and pulls him aside in a “mate you’ve had enough” style whilst Thomas looks close to tears and turns away as Thomas turns on his barrer bar bluster (“How abaht yourself will you buy a ticket for 1200”).

Above: “But I can handle it” “Yeah right son!”

I wouldn’t mind but even Thomas fails to sell in this situation so he gets a sulk on (“Not putting neg on but I think we should have sold the 16”) and Lewis looks haunted. Team Riyonn call and ask how many customers they have but nobody wants to admit. Eventually it comes out and TeamRiyonn attempt to be upbeat and focus on avoiding refunds.

To the coaches where Pamela wows the captive audience with facts for their journey. “South Africa has three capital cities…is this thing on?” [high pitched feedback], @tumbleweed@. “There are 3000 shipwrecks off the coast” (and one on this coach) [mic screams, passengers wince].

Meanwhile the boys lead a singalonga Lion Sleeps Tonight and the passengers love it – a wimba waying all over the shop.

Above: A coach full of happy idiots

And there’s a nice cutback to Pamela’s punters contemplating suicide. Ha.

Above: A coach load of miserable idiots.

Thomas feels like he’s made friends with the guess “if they’re not happy with the tour I will personally feed the other team to the lions”. Nice.

Ranger Riyonn springs into showbiz action “Unfortunately you’ve got me not David Attenborough. We’re going to have a magical safari!” This man is pure Butlins. They love him. However it all sours when he confesses “Obviously we can’t guarantee the big five” but a mutiny is averted by No-Mark deploying his Macintyre skillz “The big five are like the team on the bus. You can’t predict what they’re going to do”. Everyone laughs inexplicably. Just like the real Macintyre. “Let’s go forward it will be amazing so er” he doesn’t know what to do next so does a high pitched “Wooooh”.

Where did that fucking come from!? Everyone tries to pretend it didn’t happen. Still when you’re in showbiz I guess you have to do all the noises.

The wine tram stops at the Sculpture Garden where Carina gives them everything she knows about the sculptures which is the name of the sculptor and what the sculptures are made of. And er that’s it. “So feel free – er enjoy” she waves her arms about. Lottie seems to turn up at the scene of everyone screwing up looking indignant and embarrassed in the background. Like a ghost smelling a fart. She’s also there when Lubna loses the cellar and the guests and they have a Benny Hill style race around the vineyard getting more and more lost (“There is a way er going the other way” – Jemelin “This is so bad Jesus Christ!”) until she just has to do the cellar talk in the fermentation room and then forgets all her great cellar facts (“I’m having a little bit of a fog”) whilst Lottie throws massive eye shade. “Who fancies wine tasting?” Everyone nearly stampedes in their rush to get their lips round some sweet sweet alcoholic juice.

“Breath that African air” sighs No_Mark and sadly they’re not next to a mound of poo. They’re watching Hippos which are apparently not Big Five, despite being fricking awesome and horribly dangerous. Someone asks how old they are. Riyonn squints and bullshits “I think they have a life span of 70 years but I could be wrong”. “Do they get many children?” someone else asks. Souleyman grins. “Yes I think they are one of the animals that do enjoy mating”. It sounds like he has previous and Karen advises, “If I were you, I’d move on”. They even see zebra and giraffes. Are they not happy?! This is such a bargain for £90.  Riyonn even finds them some elephants which turn out to be rhinos (“I do apologise – I haven’t got my glasses on”). Next they get some lions. “How does a lion like it’s steak?” Souleyman asks. “Raw” (geddit roar). Groans all round. I still like him. Despite that.

The girls negotiate 30% commission from shop sales. This may well win them the task as Thomas barges into the safari shop like an angry gangster demanding commission. The take-no-shit shop lady says 3%. “I may as well put them back on the bus” Thomas threatens. “5%” she demurs. “40%?” “5%”. “OK give us 25%”. She gives him an icy stare. Shahin steps in, dismayed at Thomas’s aggression and offers 22.5% which Thomas shakes on (“I thought she was gonna go for 25 but has to be your offer now” – all this said in front of the shop woman) – but she gives Shahin a sneaky sympathetic look and shakes his hand too. Shahin the falcon is at least polite despite the fact he disembowels pigeons in his spare time. Thomas is a wanker.

Above: I’d have given you 40% love. Not him though.

Lottie leads wine tasting and her bullshit about getting to know the wine’s personality works because everybody expects someone who leads wine tasting to sound like a bit of a twat. She gushes that she personally has saved this task as everyone is now “really enthusiastic” (pissed). It still rankles that she wasn’t chosen as subteam leader tough. Thankfully someone has also rustled up cheeseboards for the guests to try to soak up the booze.

Riyonn’s determined to see elephants but worried they need to finish the safari to start rock painting (what idiot tacks that on AFTER a safari. It’s like getting Keane to headline after The Pixies. For young people that means it is putting something dull on after something great. I am so old). He throws caution to the world, puts his specs on and takes them in search of elephants whilst the rest of the team wait at the rock painting station. “We’re gonna lose money in the gift shop” Thomas worries.

The group find elephants (so three of the top five) and everyone is happy, apart from perhaps the elephants.

The girls are already in the shop and Lottie’s nicked a customer from Carina cos she knows “a lot more about wine than you”. Oooh!

Poor Shahin has to lead the rock painting in the dusk to tired and bored punters and make it snappy so they can be forced into the shop. In the future those painted rocks will be used as evidence of how unevolved we were in the 2010s.

It’s 7pm and they all finish and bitch about each other. Somehow they’re back in the boardroom the next morning –who the hell did they fly with?

Riyonn gets flack for annoying Safari woman with his derisory offer and there’s a contretemps as Kennan claimed to have salvaged the situation by offering 800 (not entirely true). Dean’s pulled up for saying he’d sell all 16 tickets as Karen grasses them up for selling only 12. Sugar’s annoyed the punters got a good safari and less time forced through a gift shop (“Even zebras come with a bar code”).

Scarlet’s dissed for her stupid high price and not reducing it a little bit earlier on when there were more people to sell it. Lubna criticises Jemelin’s lack of negotiation skillz whereupon Claude grasses her up on her lack of cellar location skillz and it descends into a bitch fight which the boys love.

Carina insists she gave the guests “every fact I had on the sculpture garden” (2). Luba graciously says Lottie did a good job and Lottie decides not to kill her. Yet.

It’s numbers time. After expenses and refunds the girls only made £520.93 profit (confusingly we’re back in quids not rands). The boys spent more but there were no refunds – BUT they only shifted £5 worth of shop tat so they only made £476.19 profit losing by £44. Thomas is given some jellied eels and liquor to eat his hat with.

The girls rejoice and are sent to drink champers in the shared house (Scarlet: “My whole house could fit in this room!” – and it’s the toilet!). Oh yes it’s all hugs now. “Is this like your house Lottie?” asks someone. “It’s a lot less modern” bullshits Lottie.

The boys are sent to brood in our old friend the Bridge Café.

Above: Yeah mate we serve hats here.

Dean blames Shahin for crap sales. Shahin blames Riyonn for not getting the group in the gift shop (“If all our customers spent £5 each in the gift shop we would have won” – oh dear he hasn’t understood how commission works has he?).

Back in the boardroom and whilst Dean says its all Shahin’s fault Sugar points out there were 4 people on the sales team. Thomas admits “It was a lot harder than wot I thought. I gave it my best shot and I did bring in 4200 rand and LOOK AT ME! ME I’m GREAT!”

Shahin’s also dissed for arguing the commission down in the shop although Sugar points out it doesn’t matter as nothing was sold. Lewis goes a bit weird having blamed Riyonn’s team has an epiphany that at least they gave a good experience so Dean and Shahin are brought back in. Karen reveals that Lewis’s business plan is a travel company. None of them can understand why Shahin argued the commission down (by 2.5 fucking percent!) and Karen throws him under the bus stating he “cut across Thomas” when I saw him stopping Thomas loudly haranguing the shop woman. Maybe business is just evil. Oh yeah.

Shahin blames Lewis’s planning (“How can you put me in selling when No-Mark sells in Harrods for a living” – good point if slightly self-deprecating.

Everyone starts yammering at Lewis who loses it, shouting “GUYS ONE AT A TIME” and Sugar gives him a funny look. “Let’s calm down and try to have a professional discussion” urges Lord Sugz and straight away Lewis is all mad and fighty and rocking to and fro in his chair.

Above: Meltdown begins.

It’s firing time and Lewis is in line for losing control of his sales team (and sanity) but ultimately Shahin goes (with regret) for not selling. The falcon has flown. Repeat; the falcon has flown.

Lewis gets a warning that he’s out the door if there’s any more temper tantrums and he looks a bit broken but at least he gives Shahin a goodbye hug. Dean doesn’t bother. Boo.

In the Taxi of regrets Shahin is sad (“It should have been Lewis”).

Next week they have to create and manufacture ice lollies. Fab! (see what I did there. I am so old)

 

Liking: Souleyman, Riyonn, Lubna, Jemelin

Meh: Iasha, Kenna, Carina, Pamela, Scarlett

Who?: Marianne

Disliking: Thomas, Dean,

Disturbed by: Ryan-Mark

Anger Management Issues: Lewis (they’re all going to be needling him from now on)

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin