Archives for category: Series 14 2018

The candidates end up at the Crossrail building at Canary Wharf because it has a rooftop gardening and according to Lord Sugar “Urban gardening is a big new trend”. Each team has to set up their own gardening business and pitch to corporate clients whilst running a mobile service. Most profit wins.

Sarah-Ann’s moved to Collaborative with Daniel, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie. Lord Sugar appoints Daniel PM. He’s “super excited” even though he knows literally sod all about gardening. The masterplan is to price as high as possible without taking the piss. Both Jackie (who does gardening) and Khadija (who does cleaning) want to lead the mobile subteam, but Khadija deathstares him into choosing her and she promptly shoots Jackie a massive SMUGLOOK. Tom takes Sarah-Ann to meet a rooftop bar manager in Shoreditch, insisting they don’t over-promise and concentrate on profit margins. The client wants an “urban jungle” cos it’s fucking Shoreditch. Dan immediately thinks “Astroturf” because that’s exactly what would sort out the poor little Orang Utan’s forest in the Iceland advert. The client agrees as long as it’s “high spec” (eh?). Sarah Ann then starts offering loads of extra shit: planters, vines, cocaine production labs – much to Dan’s chagrin. He argues his client up from £2000 to £2500 for the job, but she points out she’ll only pay that if she’s totally wowed.  Unfortunately at the garden centre they discover that Astroturf is hugely expensive, eating substantially into their budget, and decide to buy cheap shit instead.

Tom the tree surgeon is backed to lead Typhoon ( Sabrina, Sian, Jasmine and Kayode).  He elects Sian to lead the subteam and takes Sabrina off to see the Corporate Client who wants a “stylish” rooftop garden and the seating painting for £2000. Tom argues her up an extra £100 to “treat” the seats and they shake. It’s off to the garden centre where Tom rushes to the bargain sale rails (“Keep it cheap and make it look classy”)  with Sabrina trailing him round looking like Bubble from Ab-Fab but more doubtful. “Here’s more cheap stuff” he announces joyously. “Here’s NICE stuff!” she says pointedly. He shakes his head. Nah!  He drops a plant (“bollocks”) and briefly considers getting a discount on it as the soil’s been displaced. He’s really selling his business here.

Khadija informs Jackie and Camilla that she is a  “team player not a dictator”. Well that’s going to put their minds at rest. Jackie and Camilla (somehow it’s a task remit that one team member dresses as a flower for this bit – it’s Kayode in the other team) try to offer ideas about price but Khadija doesn’t listen and just shouts them down “WE ALL NEED TO CO-OPERATE!” before accusing Jackie of getting all aggressive cos she didn’t get to be sub-team leader. “WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?” retaliates Jackie, and although she’s technically evil too I feel her pain.

Over on Typhoon Kayode in his contractually obliged Peter Gabriel in Genesis outfit tries to appear professional whilst working out a quote for hanging baskets. It doesn’t work and he gets stupidly proud arguing the client up from £100 to £130 for a load of baskets that cost twice as much whilst Jasmine looks mortified.

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“Me I’m just a lawnmower you can tell by the way I cut into my margins”.

 

Khadija’s subteam approach a shop (Jackie “Your place looks super amazing but might be in need of some summering” Er WHAT?) whilst Khadija talks over her and offers completely different services and prices and the potential customer looks bemused. Somehow she agrees they can sort out her shop lady garden – she probably just wants them to go away.

Both mobile teams pitch to doll up a boat bar and wash the decks by 12.30pm the next day. Jasmine is very keen that Kayode considers both the service charge and the price of the gear. He manages to utterly balls up the maths so Jasmine plucks £300 out of the air and Sian adds an extra £100 for putting climbers on the hand rails (because none of these people have ever seen the prices in a fricking garden centre). Kayode still thinks they’ve charged too much bless him. He’s back in his element knocking at doors of potential punters “I guess you wasn’t expecting to see a sunflower!”.

Khadija somehow has decided that a pallet forms a potential garden feature – offering the same service for £900 including the pallet (eh?) and £700 without. Jackie suggests the pallet is part of the service and the final price confusingly is £900. Unsurprisingly the client plumps for Typhoon and explains that Collaborative were too pricy and the pitch too “forceful”. Khadija breaks the news to Dan (“Er we’re doing really well but you wanted us to go for higher prices”). Dan does a sad face.

Next day the lazy bastards are still sitting round discussing plans at 8am!  Tom moves to the mobile team and sends Jasmine and Sabrina to do the other corporate rooftop garden despite Sabrina pointing out that this is the highest price job and she has no experience in gardening whereas he operates on bloody trees.

Dan decides to bring Jackie onto his subteam to break her and Khadija up, but she refuses to move due to her great gardening knowledge. So in his great wisdom Dan brings Camilla to his side and tells Khadija and Jackie to “be professional”. Khadija already looks moody. As his subteam drive off Sarah-Jane asks “Are you mental?” Camilla agrees (“It’s one of worst decisions you’ve made”). I get popcorn and await the fireworks.

Professional tree surgeon Tom manages to fail to give the van driver bringing all their gear to the boat job any directions so they spend ages waiting to properly start. He stalls by explaining to the client “We’re just er clearing the area” whilst everyone shuffles chairs about. She reminds him of the 12.30pm deadline. “Yeah fine…”. Tom shouts orders at Kayode who’s struggling to jet wash the bar and actually hear as he’s wearing massive headphones. That doesn’t stop Tom so Kayode just mutters “Yeah yeah” to everything and keeps spraying. The client is disappointed and the price goes down to £250 after some pleading from Tom. Kayode points out they started way too late. Tom is angered by this insubordination and carries on bossing Kayode around all day until Kayode gets the arse on and starts ignoring him.

Meanwhile in the trending Shoreditch roof bar Dan decides to Astroturf the top of the bar. For “aesthetics” if not for balancing stupid overpriced drinks easily on.  He then sprinkles woodchip around the bottom of the bar presumably to protect small children who might be playing there.

Jasmine and Sabrina decide to go for the “minimalistic” look as Tom has ordered hardly any plants and things for them to do up the corporate roof garden. Jasmine worries they will struggle to sand down and paint the benches in the time allowed so Sabina makes the decision to just clean them off and paint them as that’s worth a couple of grand of anyone’s money. The client worries it’s just them (“I thought Tom was an experienced landscape gardener”) and Sabrina stalls (“Jasmine is very strong in terms of design”).  They both end up trying to paint yellow stripes on the bench with teeny tiny brushes. There’s more effort displayed when cartoon paint falls onto cats backs to make Pepe Le Pew sexpest them. Jasmine wonders if they can use the pointless shovels provided to “Dig us out of this hole”. The client returns and Jasmine doesn’t exactly sell their work (“we wanted something stylist and sophisticated – I’m not sure we achieved it”). The client is angered at the unsanded benches and says she will “come back to them” about the money.

At the lady shopkeeper’s garden new bessie friends Khadija and Jackie bond in adversity and ineptitude as they can’t find a tap the right size to plug in the jet washer and fail to ask the shopkeeper if there’s another tap or explain choosing to pour water over everything without even brushing it down and then sort of move the mud about. Shop woman is very unhappy when she returns (“you’ve made it worse”, especially when Khadija argues the toss over the tap and tries to get away with a £60 discount (“No I just want you out my shop now” she insists almost tearfully).

Dan’s client thinks the jungle bar looks pretty “but logistically it’s a complete nightmare” pointing out that people need to wipe down bar tops and she’ll have to get back to him over what she’s prepared to pay. He calls the subteam who explain they’ve only just started their second job and it’s 6pm and you see his world collapsing in his face. “What the hell have they been doing?” Sarah Ann complains. “Sweet niblets” Camilla sighs resignedly.

Everyone tries to flog the remaining plants. “It’s dying” points out a woman, “they’re not really dying” insists Jackie. Dan’s ready to throw his subteam under the bus for being a “complete shambles”.

In the boardroom and Khadija has proper power vixened up, so must be spoiling for a fight. Dan’s called out on his astrobullshit. Camilla describes Khadija rather kindly as “passionate” but worries it may have seemed “forceful” (because it was) and Khadija turns on her (“It was you and Jackie doing most of the talking!”), but Karren has already dobbed her in to Lord Sugs for being “aggressive”. Sugar describes her pricing as ridiculous and she justifies this (“It’s a big boat!”).  Jackie apologises for nearly coming to blows, but points out gently, and slightly more diplomatically, that Khadija was an ignorant, shouty twat.

Sian’s worried Tom didn’t charge enough for failing to spruce up the boat. Tom justifies moving to the mobile team as he “wanted to take control”, but Sabrina blames him for leaving her and Jasmine with not enough gear to do the rooftop job. Sugar has a go at Sabrina for not knowing to “rub down” the bench as they’re the corporate skills being his business partner demands. She blames Jasmine.

Anyhow Collaborative’s mobile team made £535 and the Astroturfed bar lady amazingly still gave them £1500 so after costs they made £1342 profit.

Typhoon’s mobile team did better, getting £760, but the rooftop lady only gave them £400 so their overall profit was only £528 (so much for buying cheap stuff Tom!).

Collaborative massively get away with a win and get sent to play Crazy Golf whilst Dan talks about how great he is and Khadija and Jackie shoot each other evils. I hope they get to work together a lot more.

In Café doom Kayode says the failure was with the corporate side, but Tom insists “wherever I was – I got results” (yeah, making £250 and losing nearly a couple of grand with the big client). Sabrina is all “I did EVERYTHING!”

Back in the boardroom Sugar blames Tom for not spending enough money (“Elton John’s got more flowers in his downstairs toilet”) but Tom reckons the girls should have adapted to the situation and magicked a garden out of thin air. Sabrina wants everyone to know how she unwrapped 15 whole boxes of stuff whilst supervising Jasmine. Kayode gets flack for the real crime of making a loss on a deal, although he points out helpfully he still made a quarter, or was that a third, no half of their profits. Maths is not his strong point.

Tom brings back Kayode and Sabrina, with Jasmine surviving for actually winning the tender in the first place (although I think it was sort of guaranteed for them). Sabrina and Kayode are peeved. Claude and Karren chat with Sugar about them with Claude stating (correctly) that Tom’s mistakes lost them the task and Karren wittering on like a notracist nan about Kayode’s “fabulous smile” then adding Sabrina is “incredibly smart” because she’s been following a different show.

Sabrina thinks Tom is to blame as he got the “main corporate decisions” wrong on day one (ooh big words, maybe Karren has a point). Kayode says Tom lost twice and this time it was a task purpose made for him and Kayode will always have his donut sales to fall back on (Sugar “We’re not talking abaht donuts!”). They all have a big squabble (yawn) and whilst Sugar thinks Tom “failed miserably” he (“with regret”) fires Kayode for making that business error with the deal. Poor Kayode looks so miffed and just offers the others a cold handshake as they leave.

In the Taxi of Regrets he looks forward to being with people who love him (“my family and my cat”). How can you have done this Lord Sugar?

Jackie’s delighted (“Just two more boys to get rid of”).

Next time the teams sell art collections. There will be wankiness!

 

 

Should win despite being a Joy Vacuum: Jasmine

Warming to: Daniel, Camilla

Meh: Sian, Sabrina, Sarah Ann

Fighting for the title of Queen Bitch: Khadija, Jackie

Tree Twat: Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob)

 

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The candidates are summoned to London City Airport at 5am and everyone’s excited about where they might be going. Ooh from City Airport they might even get all the way to Aberdeen!

Kurran’s gone all mystical chosen one “Lord Sugar looked me in the eye and told me I am the next PM”.

Sugar gathers them on the runway (sadly not to hose them in jet fuel) informing them that the British Airline market is on a high (maybe everyone’s trying to fuck off) so they have to create a brand and advertisement for a new budget airline – including designing a “uniform” and pitch it to industry experts.

There’s some jiggery pokery for no reason whatsoever so Typhoon now comprises Tom, Sabrina, Sian, Sarah, Jasmine and Kayode. Sabrina once went into a travel shop or something so is elected leader and settles on a business target market setting Sian as subteam leader to design the brand and uniform as she designs swimming cozzies, whilst she takes Kayode and Jasmine to work on the advert. Kayode’s keen on including humour and wants to depict a businessman so harassed by plebs next to him on the flight that he can only find peace with his laptop whilst taking a shit. Jasmine is DEFINITELY not keen on toilet humour. She may well be professional and the likely winner but she’s a proper joy vacuum this episode.

Collaborative now comprises Daniel, Khajida, Camilla, Jackie and Kurran their glorious leader. “Everything I’ve done in my life has led to this moment” he drawls, “I suppose you’re all glad here to experience this”. Tumbleweed. He wants to aim at business too but Camilla shouts him down into going “party” (*Marvin Voice in My Head* “Sounds hideous.”) insisting “It was MY decision.. I just took a moment to visualise it”. Whatevah. Naturally Kurran insists on directing the advert whilst Jackie and Camilla are off to do branding and uniform. They’re buzzing with frankly terrifying brand names. Strawpedo? (Sounds like a child molesting scarecrow). Jet-Pop! (Why not call it Cloud Explosion and be done with it?).

Dan suggests making the beach the airline, “You walk onto the plane but it’s a beach with girls there”. I reckon they should just do a speed version of the pilot episode of Lost complete with the propeller bit. Kurran does fuck all apart lean back chewing his pen but somehow persuades everyone to high five him. He’s such a bloody princeling.

So in apparently “Fashionable East London” the branding teams get designing at design studios. Jackie and Camilla go crazy with hideous fabrics because Camilla is so fricking “fashion savvie”. They end up creating day glo “boob tubes” ideal for leaning over people with hot drinks. “Where are your boobs?” asks Camilla, “They’re like here” Jackie points out helpfully. Claude is endearingly worried about “stewardesses” getting chilly.

Sian utterly ignores the archly helpful designer and comes up with some weird Aladdin inspired trouser suit with a peplum (Designer “It looks like a nappy”) and a draped bit of curtain which Karren reckons is totally copied from big airlines. The designer flounces off (“I’m glad I was here to guide you” – subtext – you ignorant bitch).
NOBODY points out that both these uniforms are for women. We are in the 1970s here.”
Jasmine offers her directing skills (“I’ve directed a music video”) but Sabrina says she’ll direct the ad. Jasmine shoots her a dark “On your head be it” look.

Kurren suggests the name Pangaea which nobody understands. He explains it to the subteam (“It’s planet earth before the continents broke down”) and they glaze over before suggesting Strawpedo and Jet-Pop, but he insists they use his name, even if they think it’s crap. He takes the advert team to film in Southend. Talk about exotic! Poor Megan the model not only gets to freeze her tits off in a deckchair whilst Kurran wildly improvises the plot, she also has to pretend to be Dan’s girlfriend and listen to Kurran (“I cant even tell you how beautiful you look its actually making me emotional”). Khadija’s concerned Kurran’s not following the agreed storyboard but he insists he’s not doing it off the cuff. Just making it all up. Khadija deals with her annoyance by screeching over the shots and throwing a wobbly when she’s admonished for this. Kurran controls all the editorial decisions (“I want the logo at the start”, Designer “Doesn’t that usually come at the end”, Kurran “Er yeah I’d like it both at the beginning and end”) and won’t listen to anyone else, doing big “Talk to the hand” gestures. “Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel” he repeats like Alan Patridge refusing to drive a Mini Metro rather than let his subteam colleague have his say. Dan just laughs “OK” (wanker).

Sabrina films (with constant intervention from a stony faced Jasmine) in a mock plane cabin which looks way more comfy than Ryanair. The point of the advert seems to be a comparison between a shite airline full of twats (played by Kayode with an inflatable flamingo) and a relaxing experience on their business focused service). “What comes before Part-B?” nudges Kayode. “Part-AY!”. (Doesn’t it come before Part-F? Oh sorry). Jasmine is not amused and declares it CRING-AY. Kayode looks sad like a puppy that’s been told off for peeing on a rug. Sabrina manages to put the fun back in by choosing Highway to Hell as the theme tune. If it had cut to classical music when the business-friendly alternative was shown this might just have worked. Jasmine looks thoroughly mortified and insists she can turn the advert around if she’s allowed to edit, making a big song and dance over sitting next to Steven the designer so she can pretend Kayode and Sabrina don’t exist (“You can edit from your own chair!”).

Sian’s team come up with the name Manageair (I see what they did) and come up with a weird logo that’s meant to represent a clock (why?) but looks like a Masonic symbol crossed with a doodle of stick figures having sex. Karren does a big yawn. The rest of the team look bored and confused. Tom insists anyone would remember that logo (if it was branded onto their face?). Sarah frumps in in the uniform which Jasmine thinks looks like a high-end Middle Eastern airline.

Jackie and Camilla proudly unveil Jet Pop to Kurran’s profound sadness and Dan’s concern (“The O looks like an explosion”). MrFunnyFarm points out that Kurran’s sulky silence and posture seems to be based on Tony Montana from Scarface. I just think he’s acting the twat. The slutty uniform is modelled by Jackie. Dan’s unconvinced. Kurran (of course) loves it and surprisingly doesn’t suggest in-flight lapdances.

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“I said call it Pangaea you fuckin Cockaroaches…”

So it’s off to conduct Market Research at Heathrow and the Stewardesses (no stewards) are all horrified by Jackie’s adjustable straps (“borderline tacky”), but think the Manageair branding is too dull.

Jackie’s “super keen” to help pitch in an annoying girly “stewardess” voice (arggh!) introducing her “flight crew” (Kurran “I’d prefer if you made me captain”).

Sabrina picks Tom and Sian to co-pitch, putting “professional speaker” Kayode’s nose out of joint (“Can I give suggestions based on my experience”) until she offers him the chance to introduce the pitch and he’s all happy again.

At the Pitch Kayode states there has never been an airline “dedicated to business travellers” (Erm there have been a few aimed at them and you can’t exclude anyone else?) before painting a nightmare scenario of being on a plane, “sitting on a chair” (Until they get phased out) “surrounded by noisy kids” (and racists), before showing off the logo which everyone sniggers at like it’s a naughty Rorschach blob (“You like the logo? I like it too!).

From the wings Sabrina whispers “At least it’s making them laugh” whilst Jasmine looks daggers at her. Sarah stands around looking awkward in her Jason King/MC Hammer/Homebase Curtains ensemble and Tom witters about it being an “affordable efficient, relaxing experience for travel” (aren’t three of those words mutually exclusive when it comes to travel?). BA are not happy with “Highway to Hell” and Sabrina’s talk of “irony” isn’t reaching them. Kayode insists in response to a question on how to guarantee it’s “child free” that the advertising will deter families who “know their children are going to make noise” as though there is any other type of family. He is adorable but talks utter bollocks.

Jackie’s Jet-Pop girl is just embarrassing, especially when she gets the name wrong (“Welcome aboard Pop Jet!”) and describes her boob tube (she looks like Olive Oyl wearing a flannel in the uniform) as “easy to wipe down”.
The oddness continues as Kurran bores on about how “difficult the industry is to penetrate”. After the badly dubbed and shot advert, which makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Metropolis, there’s concerns from BA about the name and explosive logo. Jackie insists it looks more like an “explosion of fun”. That one was also sexual. There’s also worries about encouraging passengers to drink, although Dan says it’s “just enough to relax” (that’s a lot of booze to relax on a budget airline”).

The Industry Experts grass up the teams to Sugar describing Typhoon as dated and Collaborative as bizarre and awful. In the Boardroom Sabrina grasses Jasmine up for having no sense of humour and Sugar confirms the Jasmine edited advert was humour free. Kurran has to explain Pangaea to Lord Sugar, which he does at great length causing eyes to roll and graze. Nobody’s any the wiser. Kurran blames the branding team for not using his great name and Camilla points out they’d struggle if they didn’t know what the fuck it meant.

For once there’s no engineered surprise and Tyhpoon win getting to eat at a Chinese Restaurant because they’re out of treat budget where everyone insists that the win was ALL DOWN TO THEM.

Kurran looks broody as Sugar explains they should have looked at their ideas through “fresh eyes” or even sane eyes.

In the Bridge Café Kurran manages to be a massive twat to everyone. Smart move! “A five year old would come up with a better name” he sneers at Camilla. “You were difficult” he tells Khadija. She insists she’s been the epitome of reserved dignity, warning to camera that she “WILL TELL EVERYBODY HOW IT IS!!” She’s such a delicate flower.
Back in the Boardroom again and Jackie looks like a haunted Katherine Ryan, staying as quiet as possible so Camilla will take the rap for the branding.

Karren does her big pretend right on sisters speech: “Can you image as woman being asked to wear that as a uniform when the main role of stewardesses is ensuring the safety of passengers”. She’s still only saying “Stewardesses” so some fucking feminist she is.

Jackie fibs and says Kurran didn’t insist that they had to use his name suggestion. Khadija goes on a big rant about being told off for “being too enthusiastic” before having an amusing go at Dan for being a diva during his acting stint (“You SAT in a DECKCHAIR!”). Kurran still doesn’t see what’s wrong with the advert. No he can’t be this deluded – he wants his own telly show or newspaper column doesn’t he? (It won’t be in the Mail, sorry mate).

He brings back Camilla and says he’d like to bring in Jackie but she “did well in the pitch” (eh?) so chooses…. Khadija. As Dan and Jackie depart Khadija has a whinge (“She had to be good in the pitch – she created it” ooh saucer of milk).

It all gets a bit surreal with Kurran relaying Sugar’s questions to Camilla and talking as though our favourite Nookie Bear faced peer isn’t over the table from them.
Kurran blames the name, stating he contributed a name. “Oh yeah, I remember. The rubbish one” snaps Camilla. Khadija just whines on about being told off for being “passionate”. Sugar suggests she sounds argumentative. “No I’m not I’m POSITIVE!”. She turns on Kurran “The difference between us is I own a business, you just want to be an actor” (that’ll be it) and Kurran reaches peak twat (“Can I first deal with Khadija then I’ll deal with you Camilla”).

Sugar worries about Khadija being disruptive (“I won’t be!”) but ultimately it has to be Kurran who’s fired (“Thanks for giving me a shot”) and the girls are sent home with marked cards. Kurran doesn’t even hug them with his good arm, he’s all “See you on the flip side baby” before insisting in the Taxi of Fevered Brows that he was robbed and his advert was “GOLD”. True art is never recognised in it’s time eh.

Next week the teams set up urban gardening businesses and promisingly get let loose with chainsaws.

Should win despite being a Joy Vacuum: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode

Warming to: Daniel

Meh: Sian, Sabrina, Camilla

Bit of a Nob: Tom

Potentially Evil: Khadija, Sarah Ann

Cruella De Ville: Jackie

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran

The candidates are summoned to the Adelphi theatre in thatWestEnd, and Kurran (darling!) can already “smell the sweat from backstage” (“Theatre may not be right up my street but it will be on my street or at least on the corner”) and announces he is “100% stepping up”. Unfortunately he’s fallen for yet another tenuous task link, as Lord Sugar connects the fact that the musical Kinky Boots was on at this theatre about a shoe factory saved by elves designing “original shoes” (actually shoes for drag acts but they skirt over that) and demands that they do the same, pitching their products to retail – most orders wins. Immediately Kurran backtracks (“I’ve never bought women’s shoes”) and Jackie is elected to lead Collaborative (Kurran, Sarah-Ann, Jasmine, (p)Rick, Kayode) as she buys quirky shoes.

Tom’s moved to Typhoon with Daniel, Khajida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian, who as a swimwear designer is chosen as PM.  She wants to make high heels, but Dan and Camilla, who join her on the design team argue her down shockingly easily into “fashion trainers”. She wants to make them “Colourful, bold and bright so they’re not like other trainers”. Erm – I’m not a fashion expert but aren’t trainers all in hideous colours? Camilla argues her down yet again into going for pink and grey (as she would buy that – which tells me more about her than the trainer market). She wants a carnival theme with colours reflecting the Brazilian flag and dispatches Sabrina, Tom and Khadija to organise the event, unfortunately failing to inform them of the new boring colour scheme. Dan comes up with the idea of having customisable elements which turns out to be a bloody pink bow that you can er put on or take off the trainer. It’s all a bit My Little Pony.

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Camilla’s most sophisticated pair of FM shoes.

Jackie’s into the idea of an “urban heel” with a graffiti tag and not the Dalmatian puppy skin shoes I was anticipating. Kurran, having backed down from leadership decides to spend the task rubbishing every decision made and starts moaning about how graffiti is so not down with the kids like he is. “Kurran. I love you, but” Jackie says, and you can almost hear the unspoken  “Shut up FFS!” Kurran wants to work on design, but Jackie thinks it’s “key that someone gets it” and sends him to marketing so she doesn’t have to watch him making hacky faces. Jasmine gets to lead the marketing subteam, and gets (p)Rick to work with as well. Joy! Jackie advises her to “BE STRONG!” In the car Kurran insists the concept is flawed “THAT IS ALL”. Kurran has spoken.

They all head off to Clarks, the cutting edge of shoe design. Jackie’s got her heart set on shoes modelled in her own image (painful) and refuses to listen to anyone elses (Kayode “wedges are urban” Jackie “I wouldn’t wear a wedge” etc etc). With minutes left Jackie finally asks what people think and Sarah-Ann admits she wouldn’t buy them. Jackie drops the slutty mesh, changes the colour scheme and makes the inside yellow (cos that’s the main factor in buying a shoe) and as if by magic Sarah-Ann now loves them and not just because they’re running out of time. Oh no.

Jasmine takes her naughty boys to look for urban props. Kurran is distinctly art-agit in his choices (“You could have a lion’s head with a shoe in it’s mouth”) and (p)Rick gets bored and orders everything whilst insulting the retailer (adding “no offence” at the end of saying something offensive really doesn’t help). Jasmine looks horrified. Kurran wants to host the event in a nightclub. (p)Rick wants a boxing gym and starts going on about Zoolander. Jasmine puts her foot down (“Nobody wants to attend a dingy venue”).

It’s branding time and Daniel takes over again, insisting on the name “Nu-Switch” – even suggesting that as a designer shoe it should be named after himself. Because he added a f(p)Ricking pink bow. They all try to think of one word to encapsulate their impossibly dull shoe and accordingly pass this task to the subteam when they call. Sabrina worries that not actually seeing the shoe may hinder them. Sian hopes “they think of a good name” – such leadership.

On Collaborative Kayode gets urban suggesting “pelt” (don’t ask me, I feel about 90) or “fleekies” (sounds like something from a Rab Burns poem that you scrape from under your sporren, Karren thinks it sounds like “cat food”). Jackie suggests the (not) Lady Macbeth inspired name “Out Out” (I think she says “Ow Ow” at first, which sums up my high heel experience).  She breaks the news to the subteam and Kurran is “down with that”. Jasmine confirms she understands the lingo. She doesn’t look happy though. She does come up with a poster tag line “Why go out when you can go out out”. Kurran tries to insist on “New heel on the block” which doesn’t even making fucking sense and Jasmine looks pointedly at her watch “We’re not doing that sorry”. The rest of the team love her poster and Kurran sits around looking peeved. (Kurran “The last thing I want to do is bring negative energy” (really?) “but it’s about what the retailers think”. What a ray of sunshine.

When Sabrina finally gets to look at the design she thinks it “looks like something you give to a 4 year old girl” and worries that the branding may confuse client. They come up with the shoe name “Vibing 1.0” which sounds like a personal massager and the tag line “Nu-Switch: Switch your steps”. What? Sian and Dan aren’t impressed and Camilla points out “with all due respect” (i.e. none) that they were asked to come up with the name as the design team couldn’t. Sian sends Khadija, Sabrina and Tom to make canopies whilst she takes the others to do consumer research. Literally everyone thinks they are child’s shoes. Even the mad lady with pink hair who loves pink wouldn’t buy them.

Jackie’s market research team (including Kurran who’s spared from making canapés due to having one arm) have the opposite problem as only old ladies want to wear the milfy shoes – and they have no idea what a fleeky is (and would probably try to treat it with dettol or fabreze), whereas the youth say “yes we get the attempt at urban branding but YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”

Jasmine is super eager to make appetising canapés, whilst (p)Rick can’t be arsed and left to his own devices would probably splash out on TWO types of crisp. He gets a strop on being asked to wrap ham condoms around breadsticks (to be fair I don’t understand either). “Is there not a machine we can use” he whines. “Yes a machine called (p)Rick” Jasmine sasses.

The trainer is unveiled to dishonest gasps at the beach bar they’ve picked for the launch. “How did the consumer feedback go?” asks Sabrina. “Er pretty good” LIES Sian. Camilla thinks it should be aimed at a “younger market” based on the feedback rather than her own eyes. As the retailers arrive they all agree NOT TO DEVIATE from the agreed price range. It’s a tough crowd, trying to work out why a carnival theme is used to pitch a startrite princess plimsoll.  Sian and Dan immediately DEVIATE from the price range to get sales, whilst poor Tom adheres to it rigidly with a look of pure apology on his big face.

The Urban heel is revealed and Jackie thinks it should be aimed at “women who want to make a statement”, especially if that statement is “old and available”. They still hip hop all the boys up at their launch. Jasmine starts pitching to a bridal shoe company (“Yellow is a wedding colour”) but (p)Rick is irritated that it’s not immediate sale and suggests they “don’t want to waste time” talking to the client, in front of the client (“no offence”). Jasmine is again mortified “Please don’t speak, you’re just offending them” and when he insists they’re not interested says she will have to ask him to leave. “Don’t speak to me like that” snaps (p)Rick, getting the fight he was so eagerly looking for. Eventually he moves away and what do you know, Jasmine sells the shoe. The retailer probably just wanted to stick it to (p)Rick.

Khadija’s having the opposite problem, and offers to lower her price (ha the look on Tom’s face!) whilst still loudly haranguing the poor shoe bloke who’s repeatedly said he isn’t interested. Sabrina tries to pull her aside, but Khadija won’t budge so Sabrina quietly asks “If he’s not interested do you want to keep going?” Khadija turns on her “It’s really rude of you to say that in front of a customer and embarrassing to me” and is full of hard-faced fury to Sabrina for the rest of the episode. Tom despairs to Sian that three customers wanted him to drop the price and she “admits” that she and Dan may have dropped the price “just once” (LIES). Tom’s “really frustrated” (fucking fuming).

Jackie manages to use Jedi mind t(p)Ricks to make a shoe shop chain owner switch his order up from 500 to 2000. Kayode’s mojo is missing however as he fails to answer questions about marketing and waffles on about aiming at “not ONLY the younger demographic but also the older demographic too” before letting the customer walk away from a deal (“No problem I appreciate your concerns”). Shoes are kryptonite to Kayode.

Kurran’s far shitter though and keeps questioning potential customers as though he has no faith in the product (honest I suppose): “Do you think you’d see the shoe in your store?”, “Do you think it will sell?”. Of course he sells nothing and blames Jackie for the shoe.

Board Room time and Kurran’s accused of bottling his shot at being PM.

Sugar does a “hip op” joke from the past before describing the Out Out as “more lobotomy than Leboutin”. As the black man on the team, Kayode seems to have become Sugar’s urban translator, explaining what Hip Hop is and what fleekies means. “It sounds like (p)Rickets” Sugar complains. “I’ve often said you’re on fleek Alan” soothes Claude. Haha.

Jasmine reveals the marketing team wasted time bickering unprofessionally over micro details and both Kurran and (p)Rick act like nobheads in response.

Sian gets stick for over-deferring to Dan and Camilla (“I just realised my idea was more niche” she argues) and not for telling the rest of her team about changing her policy on pricing so they could have got more sales.

Khadija accuses Sabrina of saying “He’s not interested – move on!” in front of the customer. Er that didn’t happen, but Khadija is one of those scary ladies who always looks on the verge of decking someone so Sabrina lets it lie. Later Khadija loudly and blousily and er overbearingly accuses the softly spoken Sabrina of being “overbearing”.

Anyhow the results are in and Collaborative made £61,600 (with about £50k down to Jackie).

Somehow, and yes this show is so often about “surprise” results that they shouldn’t be surprising, but this one is a shocker, Typhoon made £86,603 and are sent to learn Irish dancing.

Jackie pulls a rictus face and looks like she needs to bathe in virgin’s blood. Kayode looks confused. They troop off to the Bridge café where Jackie stands by her concept.

Back in the boardroom – only Jackie and Jasmine made any sales. Kurran again blames the shoe, despite the fact Jackie and Jasmine sold it.

Sugar accuses Sarah-Ann of “hiding in the wings” but she declares she was “instrumental in the creation of the shoe” (not wise seeing as it didn’t sell and we all watched her “contribution”). Kayode says Jackie wasn’t easy to work with (“It was your way or the highway”) and she turns on him.

(p)Rick would have sold but Jasmine took too long in closing her sale. It’s almost as if the room wasn’t full of retailers he could have spoken too instead.

Jasmine thinks Kurran didn’t do much, but Kurran thinks (p)Rick did even less than him.

Jackie decides to bring Kurran and Kayode in. Kayode asks “Why” and the daggers are out (“YOU DIDN’T SELL! YOU WEREN’T INVOLVED IN THE DESIGN”. (p)Rick and Sarah-Ann can count themselves lucky there. But what’s this? In another “amazing” twist Sugar decides he’s “gonna sort this out” and find out who actually did what and they’re ALL brought back in as he’s not happy with Jackie’s choice.

Jasmine gets sent home for actually making a sale. Kayode likewise is safe on past performances.

Everyone justifies their existence. Kurran’s achievement was choosing a “nightclub” for the venue. (p)Rick thinks his gym was a better idea, but isn’t too put out they went for the “disco” ((p)Rick really does live in the 1980s) and proudly announced he got a barrel for £20 that they put the lions head on.

Sugar tells Kurran nobody likes him and he insists Sugar has “the power to make me PM?” Kurran doesn’t do personal responsibility. However Sugar has a bad feeling about (p)Rick and fires him instead telling Kurran he HAS to lead next time, whatever the task.

In the Taxi of Shame, (p)Rick complains that Kurran should have gone but he “threw me under a bus” (kind of the game) before sinisterly announcing that “Lord Sugar will live to regret this”.

Everyone is gobsmacked to see Kurran back and he explains “I alerted Lord Sugar to the fact that (p)Rick did less than me.”

“How is that possible?” splutters Dan, “NOBODY did less than you!”

Next week the teams create a marketing campaign for a new budget airline… nothing can top the masturbating in business class commercial, but I’m hoping for more such filth.

Nostalgia Corner (how RELAXED he looks!): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdAXcfV4QwE

Has to Win: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode

Meh: Daniel, Sian, Sabrina, Camilla, Sarah Ann

Bit of a Nob: Tom, Kurran

Venomous Harridan: Khadija

Cruella De Ville:, Jackie

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick

 

 

 

The candidates are summoned to the Albert Hall, apparently famous for being the venue for the world’s first body building competition. And with that tenuous link the teams have to sell high end products and services at a bodybuilding expo in Birmingham. Most money wins.

Kayode’s switched to Collaborative with Jackie, Sarah-Ann, Jasmine (who plans to put “150 million percent” into the task. Arggh!), Kurran , Tom and (p)Rick (who is in a weird stalky mood as he confesses that feels like he’s somehow betraying Frank: “I’m sat in his seat.. I’m sleeping in his bed”). Jackie is “super happy” to put herself forward as she knows a lot about exhibitions and sod all about body building. Sarah-Ann puts herself forward as a gym bunny. (p)Rick tries ironically to muscle in on Jackie’s bid by saying he’d be best as he is unaware of gym equipment and does an excruciating “Who votes for me?!” bid to tumbleweed. “Thanks guys” he huffs, “I’m not offended”.

It’s all a bit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Shk8HawnCTs

Kurran gives him a pity vote, but Sarah-Ann wins the bid for team leader. She asks Kayode what he wants to do and he’s all over products. (p)Rick however nicks his spot and he and Tom join Sarah-Ann in selecting products. Kayode’s nose is well out of joint (“Even Ray Charles could see I was infuriated.. it’s going to be very joyful to say I told you so”).

raycharles_001

You piss off Kayode, you piss off Ray…

Meanwhile Alex and Daniel are sent to Typhoon with Khajida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian. Dan’s all “Kayode who needs him?” about losing their top seller. Sabrina’s elected Project Manager making Sian the sub team leader on services, whilst Sabrina Dan and Alex head off too look at products.

Collaborative choose massage as their service although Jasmine’s concerned it is least expensive, Jackie overrules her. Typhoon choose spray tanning (Khajida “it can’t be that difficult to just spray” (oh oh!) and they decide to focus on “body parts as it will be quicker and make more money”. What could possibly go wrong?

Sabrina does some super sucking up whilst investigating products be it sparkly gym bikinis (“Amayyyyzing!”), bizarre gimpy home saunas that you zip yourself into like a suicidal spy (“I like it!”) or specialist gym torture implements. Unfortunately Alex isn’t quite on the ball, nodding sagely (and blankly) at the gym bikini purveyor’s comment about the high cut leg line making peoples legs look longer, or surreally quizzing Steve the gym equipment guy about whether his equipment is guaranteed or insured whilst Dan pulls “WHAT THE FUCK” faces in the background.

Sarah-Ann’s approach is more akin to Oscar Wilde’s comment about cynics. They don’t even ask what the items do they just talk price, price, price and “how many have you sold!” Unsurprisingly Steve the gym equipment man goes with Sabrina (who bounces around being super excited) and Sarah-Ann is left with the home sauna dungeon thing ((p)Rick tries to bravado up saying “It’s a blessing in disguise” but he’s fooling no-one). Steve does add that he very nearly didn’t choose Collaborative as Alex was a thicky, but Alex says this will inspire him.

Bizarrely the one-armed Kurran is on Collaborative’s massage team. Maybe he’s on hand-job duty? They get taught how to pretend to know what they’re doing whilst slapping people around a bit whilst saying “Ju Ju Ju!”, but Kayode seems to have a natural talent and practically massages Jackie to orgasm. They decide to charge £2 a minute or £3 if you are on a CHAIR. It’s like if Ryanair did massages (except without the racist sat next to you).

Typhoon’s girls stare in horror at the spray tan gun demo, which has various settings. “How do you turn it off?” asks Camilla. “Just press the button”. Sian decides they should do the tans as quickly as possible. Why not just dowse your punters in orange paint? They decide to flog tans at £25 for a top up and £60 for a full tan.

So it’s off to Birmingham and Kayode’s hyped (“Stay busy we get the Lizzy”)., but unimpressed by the gimpy sauna (“I’m naturally more interesting and charismatic than them.. I would have got the best product”). (p)Rick’s looking for angles (“You could sell it as an office and just work in there”).

Sabrina asks Alex to get people using the gym equipment – when he has no idea how to use it. Yeah fuck YOU health and safety! Dan manages a sale straight away whilst Alex stands around looking dopey.

Tom’s really selling the sauna (“this heals muscles.. it’s like a healthy version of steroids”). (p)Rick is just creepy (“You can get in with your makeup on – we can go in there now”, “Hi girls are you on the lookout for something to get warm in?”) or desperate (Sat next to man in sauna “This is where you can talk crap”; man looks at him sadly and nods). “We need to fish for them… but not too fishy” Tom advises before going on to sell lots of saunas and love himself mightily.

Kayode, Jasmine and Jackie get stuck into massages whilst poor Kurran stands around looking like a spare dick with one bandaged bullock. “Almost everyone’s pulling their weight” Jackie says archly.

Camilla has her first tan customer. “Amazing!” she exclaims confronted by a man in pants. She then fails to find the extractor fan whilst her punter frets (“You have done this before? “Don’t worry – I’m a tanning enthusiast”. I like how Karren peers in and backs away with a grimace. “Pop your clothes on” announces Camilla post spray “and we’ll do the payment”. She makes it sound like a brothel. It works as before long Typhoon are churning out muscly oompa loompahs.

The teams are offered a spot on the main stage to drum up business. Collaborative embrace this (especially Kayode who dances up a storm, and Kurran (continuing the brothel theme with the slightly pimpy “You name it we will massage it!”)). The crowd don’t exactly go wild, mind.

Typhoon waste time arguing on who should go with Sian refusing when Sabrina asks as she’s expecting more customers. Rather than throw her weight around (and she has a choice of weights) Sabrina abandons her stall taking Dan and Alex onto stage where she’s bright and enthusiastic; organising a press-up challenge; but totally fails to mention their products and services. The crowd stare, unblinking.

Sabrina decides to swap the sale-less Alex with Khadija prompting Alex to cross his arms and sulk at being expected to sell “female products” on the spray tan stall. He can’t have any gay friends bless him. However Sian then gets obsessed with selling cheapo body sponges and rollers, abandoning the more lucrative spray tan stall.

(p)Rick is phoning John who promised to come back to him and buy a sauna and it’s like listening to a teenage girl being dumped. “It’s Rick… John are you there? You said you’d come back”. Awwww! He’s worried he’s let himself down. As though there was some sort of standard he’s been previously attaining.

In the boardroom, Alex wears glasses to look clever and even they are wonky.

Sarah Ann blames (p)Rick for talking about price to Steve Gym-Man.. until Sugar points out that Steve said it was all her (lying cow).

Kurran insists he tried his absolute best. I wouldn’t admit to that.

Sarah Ann complains that people said they would come back and didn’t. Has she never said the same after helping herself to free food samples at a farmer’s market?

(p)Rick despairs at his lack of sales (“I came close on so many occasions” – yeah to being maced).

Alex is put in his place about the insurance questions (“What’s that got to do with you?!”). He’s still sulking about being swapped with Khajida, insisting “nobody buys anything at the start of the day” (apart from the bloke who bought that gym stuff off Dan whilst he stood around doing nowt).

Anyhow results are in and Typhoon made £1369 on gym equipment and £269.99 on spray tans making £1638.99. However Collaborative made £1389 on saunas (considering Tom sold one for a grand the rest is a bit shit, no?) and £503.50 on massages making £1892.50 so they get to go boxing with David Hay (I have to explain to Mr Funnyfarm that David Hay is a boxer, they’re not just sticking the candidates in a carpark and bribing vagrants to fight them). David Hay points at Kurran, “What’s with the sling?!” “He broke his arm!” laughs Tom. “HAHAHA!”. Kurran looks like a wounded puppy, but realises he’s “dodged a bullet” (by winning or not fighting David Hay I’m unsure).

Sabrina also looks sad and Sugar points out that they had the best product and gym Steve said he sold 10 of his torture devices a day and they sold 2 or something.

It’s back at the Bridge Café and Alex is still griping that he wasn’t there to sell in the golden last hour when everyone decides they want a “rack” or whatever the fuck that thing was. He’s still griping he was a “scapegoat” back in the boardroom.

Sian’s pretty feisty about not having wanted to go on the stage, and Sugar blames Sabrina for missing the opportunity. Sabrina brings back Alex and Sian and wibbles on how she should stay as she’s under 30 as though she’s on Logan’s Run. It all descends into a shouty match, which Alex manages to break by insisting he has a “millionaire mind set” at which Lord Sugar and everyone go “You what?!”

“I will make myself PM!” Alex digs “I am a natural salesman.. I was put in the wrong place at the wrong time… I’d like to talk my way out of this”. Really Lord Sugar has no option but to fire him, it not being considered OK to defenestrate candidates. However he messes with the girls minds saying he’s free to “dispose” of more than one person. Poor Sabrina can only talk in frightened little girl whispers now. Ugh! It’s a relief when he sends them back to the house.

In the taxi of delusion, Alex is like a junior David Moyes: “I AM a great salesman! At 21 it’s a massive achievement to get this far…” (to be fair love, doing up your laces was a massive achievement).

Back at the house, (p)Rick is still brooding. Kurran’s “got a feeling Lord Sugar’s gonna walk through that door and fire me”… Now that would be sort of funny. Instead Sian and Sabrina returns, the latter no longer a lisping victim, but full of business intent (“We need to up our game!”). I think we’ve all seen through her game.

Next week the teams design and sell a shoe range for women – it’s going to kick off…

 

My Tip to Win: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode, Kurran

Meh: Daniel, Sian, Sabrina, Camilla

Disliking: Tom

Potential for Evil: Sarah Ann, Jackie, Khadija

Utter arsehole: Tom

Prick: (p)Rick

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex

 

 

 

 

It’s the 4.30am obligatory shot of Alex showing off his skinny torso in pants – only worth mentioning as it’s the most he does all episode. At the creepy House Mill (looks like something out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre) Sugar tasks the teams with making trendy doughnuts to flog to the public as well as a bespoke order to corporate clients (yes we get it, mills make flour etc etc!). They’ve got two days – most profit wins.

It’s time to stir the cesspit and mix the teams with Jackie, Sarah-Ann and Jasmine joining Tom, Frank, Kurran and Rick. They choose Jackie’s team name “Collaborative” (bleugh) and Tom puts himself forward to lead because he deals with corporate clients – nobody argues. Kurran suggests a sweet and savoury option, which Jasmine thinks will appeal to a “high end palate” (because the rest of us plebs can’t even deal with the notion of cheese and cake). Tom annoyingly does everything by committee (“Jackie can do corporate and Jasmine lead the cooking sub-team if that’s er alright with everyone” etc). Karren is disgusted by this demonstration of democracy.

Meanwhile Kayode, Alex and Daniel join Khalida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian. Alex suggests the name “Impotus” which is rejected as it sounds too much like “impotent” so Sabrina’s suggestion of Typhoon wins. High on this success Sabrina wants to lead the team but Camilla trumps her with her nut-milking expertise. Sabrina looks sad. She then suggests making rainbow doughnuts with sparkles and glitter and unicorns, but Camilla lays down the law on a best of British Brexit doughnut range featuring tea and biscuits. Sabrina looks sad again and somewhere a fairy dies. Camilla softens and lets her lead the corporate sub-team with Daniel and er Alex.

Collaborative’s sub-team head to a restaurant called Beach Blanket Babylon or something and Jackie decides to make the doughnuts in the shape of Bs. She schmoozes with the restaurant lady “We are MASSIVE fans of your restaurant – I live near Shoreditch so I’ve been to your new one”. “It’s not new” says the restaurant lady, pointing out it’s been there 10 years (Jackie “REALLY???!”) so she hands over to Kurran who grins and blinks inanely. They offer lots of golden B doughnuts for £5 each but only get an order for 50. Tom somehow manages to talk the price down to £4.65 when nobody was arguing about it cos he likes the sound of his voice. Kurran’s not convinced B shaped doughnuts are possible, but Jackie’s insistent.

Back in the kitchen Frank gets to test a hot sauce doughnut and nearly dies. Rick suggests it might not be for everyone but Jasmine’s insistent that chocolate and chilli is a thing (it is but not with fricking Sriracha! I do like Frank’s suggestion of calling it “fire in the hole”). She also comes up with peanut butter, salted pretzel and sweet popcorn flavour – which I would bloody well eat.

Sabrina’s subteam head to “Bread Ahead” “high end bakers” where they also manage to over-promise – offering to incorporate the baker’s coffee brand into their espresso martini doughnuts. Bread Ahead get a bit bread-heady by quibbling about the prices if they’re contributing a few poxy coffee beans and Sabrina offers them 110 doughnuts for the price of 100 (about £40s worth free then).

Everyone orders their ingredients and get up at 2am to discover that doughnuts are a bit of a bastard to make (you have to prove them for 45minutes and can only fry 6 at a time). Frank’s not sure if he should be focusing on Bs or rings (fnar!) and Tom’s pretty useless at leading (“Does anyone have any input or shall I make a decision?”). Jasmine offers to help Frank out and he’s a bit sulky (“Just let me do it!”) so Tom accuses him of getting emotional and sensibly sends him to fry – yes send the person you think is unstable to deal with the boiling hot oil – that’ll sort it!

Camilla gets everyone into a mass production line – Kayode’s supposed to keep track of products whilst Sabrina works on timings, but she elects herself head of quality control and does everyone’s nut in. “Are you confident with how that looks?” she asks, to Camilla’s impatience (“Just put them in!”). Sabrina has a point – the “design area” looks like an explosion at a sperm bank. The bespoke doughnuts are random iced shapes with a chocolate cigar precariously balanced atop. “They’re artisan!” insists Sarah Ann when Sabrina tries to intervene. Next Camilla supervises topping the Brexit doughnuts. The jam roly poly looks like something you’d find in an abattoir. So Camilla has them sticking jammy dodgers atop. The others are sprinkled with earl grey tea (actual fucking tea! And they consider using the bag! Arggh!) and garnished with custard creams. Claude’s face is a picture. Sorry but trying to beautify these sloppy atrocities is akin to trying to crystal-heal an axe-wound.

gagaphone

“Hi! I’d like another meat dress – and this time stick some jammy dodgers on it!”

 

Sabrina tries to complain to the boys that nobody listened to her and they all laugh. She’s the Cassandra of the series.

Somehow Frank’s team are getting Bs. Well sort of. Jasmine’s concerned that 50 of them has taken nearly three hours. Somehow she manages to turn around the production line when the corporate team have left with their order – and they make 200 in an hour.

Bread Ahead are unconvinced by the espresso doughnuts. “There’s artisan and made in my kitchen at home” says the blokey baker (he’s being generous), “Did you forget to ice that one?”. Sabrina blethers that they didn’t want to over-ice and he sneers in her face pointing out “inconsistencies”. Daniel comes back with “the inconsistencies are generally consistent” (quote of the series to date for me). Somehow they don’t get thrown into the street and get given £280 for the lot rather than the expected £400. Jammy bastards. Camilla is “disappointed”.

Restaurant lady points out that some of the Bs look more like 8s and that they taste of salt. She agrees to hand pick 17 to poison her customers with paying only £77. Tom looks crestfallen. Jasmine looks even sadder when she hears she’s wasted so much time for that.

So it’s time to sell to the public – and Camilla takes Typhoon to Waterloo to sell Brexit doughnuts for £4.50 each. Excuse me while I laugh out loud again. I like the lady who says they look funny and the other lady (who looks like she might like cakes) who just sadly looks at them and says “sorry”. Sabrina comes up with the brainwave of offering tasters in offices and manages to sell a bunch like this.

Team Collaborative have failed to collaborate  on pricing – they’re all over the place. Tom tries selling (untested) at an office only for the poor woman to spit out her chilli chocolate doughnut into a bin. I love her beardy colleague who upon discovering the contents bellows “YOU PUT HOT SAUCE IN A DOUGHNUT???!!” (you can almost hear the unspoken “FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST – WHY???!”). Tom mentally notes to blame Jasmine before they beat a hasty retreat to the next location.

Frank wants to go to Canary Wharf as he’s been there once. Jasmine thinks it’s too far away (so they might miss peak time) and takes them to Shepherd’s Bush Green instead. Unfortunately it’s empty and Rick scares potential customers away with passive aggression (“Come and have a look at my doughnuts – don’t walk away from me!”).

Kayode is a freaking revelation as a salesman of the world’s shittest looking doughnuts (“It’s not about the looks it’s the taste!”). He’s everyone’s mate, sprechen sie deutsching to German blokes and flirting with ladies (“There’s three doughnuts left and guess how many of you there are? You win the maths quiz!”). Something odd happens to Claude’s mouth as he watches Kayode in action – it’s a smile. Awww!

Back in the boardroom and Kurran’s in plaster having fractured his arm (“we were having a sort of arm wrestling”). Sugar’s joke writers have hit jackpot.” I thought actors were supposed to break a leg.. still you finally got into a cast.. I hear you appeared in Casualty!” and everyone else laughs like rabid hyenas as Kurran looks sheepish and pained.

Collaborative get shit for their shit name, flavours and schmoozing fail. Karren as usual is an utter bitch – outing Frank for getting emotional (“No I wasn’t upset I was er hot frying”).

It’s Typhoon’s turn and Sabrina nobly points out how she was definitely going to lead but she decided to give Camilla the opportunity by voting for her. She’s not all there is she? Having witnessed the doughnuts (Daniel – almost proudly –  “As you can see they’re quite terrible.”), Sugar turns to Alex. “Was you on this team?” “Yes” says Alex. “Good” says Sugar. I chuckled.

After all the spend, Collaborative only made £68 profit whereas Typhoon were slightly less rubbish and made £221 (Amazingly!). So they are sent to an ice rink (cos it sounds a bit like “iced ring” geddit?) whereas Collaborative go to blame Jasmine in café doom.

Back in the boardroom and Tom hedges his bets by also calling Frank “emotional”. “Was that the chilli making you cry?” Sugar asks, ever sympathetic. “NOOOO!” says poor Frank, who looks traumatised. Tom presents himself as the hero of the piece (“I leapt in and found solutions”). To think I was blinded by his tree surgery stuff enough to like him. He’s an utter tool. Tom brings back Jasmine and Frank (who he says contributed last and didn’t stay level headed). Ooooh! He accuses Frank of “losing it” and Frank admits he “may have snapped standing in front of four fryers” (Tom: “You had to turn doughnuts Frank”). “I’m a passionate person! Sorry!” wails poor Frank.

Sugar asks Tom about his inability to make decisions and Jasmine leaps in calling him a Co-ordinator without a backbone. When Tom tries to interject Sugar tells him to be quiet. Muwahahah!

Tom has a pop at the chilli doughnuts. “Why didn’t you taste them?” asks Jasmine. “I did!” Tom exclaims, falling right into her trap. “Well why didn’t you say anything”. Go Jasmine!

Sugar attempts unsuccessfully to inject tension (“Tom this task was not meant for you”, Tom: “Can I talk?”, Sugar “No!”) but to nobody’s surprise ever he fires Frank as there’s clearly NO ROOM FOR EMOTION IN BUSINESS! And lots of room for twats.

Tom (“You don’t know what you’re bladdy well doing”) and Jasmine (“no more mistakes!”) have their cards marked though.

Tom doesn’t even give Frank a hug when he leaves (I know that could be the edit but Tom is now dead to me). In the taxi to FAILSVILLE Frank is “devastated” but claims feistily that “Tom failed cos of piss poor leadership”.

Next week the teams sell bodybuilding stuff. And bitch at each other. Wooh.

Starting to love a bit: Kayode

Liking:, Jasmine, Sabrina, Kurran

Meh: Daniel, Sian

What does he do?: Alex

Potential for Evil: Sarah Ann, Jackie, (p)Rick, Khadija

Twisted Evil Genius: Camilla (just for putting biscuits on doughnuts)

Utter arsehole: Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank

 

 

 

 

What better way to round off the Tory Party Conference than strapping yourselves in to watch a bunch of mouth-breathing corporate bell-ends turn everything they touch into steaming jobbies as they compete for 50% of shares in Amstrad MegaTwat Ltd as well as a sinister sounding “no strings attached” £250k. Sugar declares the rules of the game (“Make me money and don’t piss me off”) and unleashes his business rottweilers Karren Brady and Claude “NO MORE MR NICE GUY” Littner before picking on some of the assembled hopefuls.

Estate agent and “nut enthusiast” Camilla Ainsworth seems to be this season’s Hopkins lite Nazi posh girl. Amusingly she owns a nut milk business. This is not a euphemism.

Rick Monk is a Quality Controller from Lancashire who shoots guns (“legally” he points out helpfully”. “I fire things” Sugar wisecracks. Unfortunately not his jokewriters.

Floppy haired charmer and unemployed film extra Kurran Pooni wants to be the first ever actor of Indian descent to get an Oscar. Nobody tell him about Ben Kingsley. I warm to his bio where he states “to be honest I don’t eat, sleep, breathe business” but all the kudos from me evaporate when he adds “but I do eat sleep and breathe success” which sends him screaming back into the wanker file.

Sabrina Stocker sounds like a shit Bond girl. She owns a tennis events company and describes herself as “Willy Wonka drinking an espresso martini”. So an alcoholic weirdo. She perkily (or pervily) offers Claude and Sugar a game of mixed doubles. It just sounds wrong.

Kayode Damali is a “professional speaker” inspiring young people around the country with the knowledge that they too could blag a job based around an ordinary human function. If “Professional pooer” had been on the cards when the careers adviser came round maybe I could be living the dream right now. He describes his tongue as “a lethal weapon”. “What do you do? Lick people to death?” Sugar growls. “It depends on the context”. This show is filthier than Bake Off so far. Kayode adds that he doesn’t “just grab the bull by the horns. I put it in a headlock and squeeze every bit of business out”. Stop it!

Sarah Byrne has done something weird to her bottom lip. She runs a children’s acting academy and enjoys having “children all under my control”. “I do talk a lot” she witters. Hmm bit of a “character”. She’s also got a chip on her shoulder that could soak up an ocean of vinegar. “People think just cos I’ve got a Northern accent I’m a pushover – if you don’t like me then sling yer ‘ook”.

Sugar introduces the 1st task as something that’s “never been done before in week 1”  – sadly it’s not a battle royale, but a trip to Malta (Sugar “Enjoy while we’re still welcome”) to do a treasure hunt for 9 items allegedly celebrating Valetta being the European capital of culture. The task will requite logistics, negotiation and initiative with the team spending least on all the items winning. “This is no holiday” Sugar points out.

The teams mingle and make faces at each other in the cars, whilst the girls try to figure out where Malta in. Sabrina thinks it’s an island. Phew.

Rick thinks the girls will lose because they’re “gonna be fashion conscious and go ‘oh my make up’s running’”. I’m calling him (p)(p)Rick from now on.

Jackie Fast is a yank with a name that sounds like a Martin Amis anti-heroine. “I’m completely ruthless” she simpers. Actually she’s not kidding as she lobs Jasmine Kundra the team leader grenade straight off and will brook no argument (“let’s not waste time”). Sian Gabbidon’s not impressed (“Jackie threw Jasmine under the bus”).

There’s no such shenanigans with the boys as Kayode who shows almost Shakespearean delusional promise nominates himself as the best team leader evah. Alex Finn looks a bit askance. Why does nobody notice his tall haired, trendy spectacles wearing potential? Er probably because he does sod all.

So the items they’re searching for are:

Wine
A Maltese house with coloured doors
Honeycomb
Special salt from the nearby island of Gozo (it can go on Sarah’s shoulder chip)
A cloak
Bamboo curtain things
A “Filigri Boat”
An Octopus with a 40 inch hose. (Frank Brooks, a man with stupid hair who describes himself as “brutal” in his bio and is therefore a nob, decides that the octopus’s hose can be stretched out, and given the final item is a “Fisherman’s trap” the boys are all determined to find themselves a Maltese fisherman. (Unfortunately it transpires the octopus is really a bit of scuba gear. Oops).

Jasmine wants to get the ferry to Gozo, but angry woman Khadija Kalifa (who describes herself as a “serious Mumpreneur”. Ugh) gets all shouty about this and the girls descend into catfighting almost immediately. This must be a series record. Sian is made subteam leader and sent off to market with Khadija and Sabrina so Jasmine can try and get some peace.

The boys cleverly phone tourist information for answers. (p)Rick takes out his subteam (Frank, Daniel Elahi (who in his bio likens himself to the main character in the Wolf of Wall Street. Oh dear) and Kurran) to check out the markets and hilariously mispronounce all the items they need whilst Kayode decides to take the rest to a ghost town, having failed to discover that most of Malta sensibly takes a massive siesta.

Back at hotel girls Jasmine’s mob are still arguing about going to Gozo in search of salt, wine and honey. Sarah Ann Magson (who looks like she wants to skin Dalmatians in her profile pic) is another Northerner who suggests sensibly that they should ring places on the map to visit. They all ignore her. Probably cos she’s Northern eh?

The other Sarah is at the market confusing the locals looking for a boat. “AH SAID A BOWT. WOT YOU SAIL…” she sees their blank faces and changes tack “WE NEED HONEYCOMB…YUM YUM YUM”. Locals stare in incomprehension wondering where this avant garde street theatre is going.

Kayode strides into an antiques store. Tom Bunday, a square looking tree surgeon tries to find a Filigri boat, but there are none with the requisite nine sails. They leave the shop disconsolately. (p)Rick phones to inform them that the Ornella Cloak is very rare and probably only to be found in an antiques store. Could it be that thing we were shown hanging near to the substandard boats. Well surprise surprise it was. Karren gripes that the boys wasted whole seconds leaving and re-entering the shop, but the deal’s done.

The boys ask for an octopus in a diving shop but are sent to a fish shop. Oh oh. “Let’s not go in looking like a group of idiots” (p)Rick briefs them. They go in. “Hi” starts (p)Rick” can I have an octopus with a 40 inch hose?” He confronts the lady fishmonger “Have you heard terminology a hose?” She stares at him probably thinking “yeah you’re one mate”. He then demands a tape measure and they measure the hapless beast’s legs find it’s roughly 40 inches and buy it. Good thing they didn’t make idiots of themselves eh?

Jasmine’s subteam reach the port where she hits them with “can I just say we need to figure out how were gonna get on the ferry”. It’s all about the planning.

Sian’s team move onto the shops. “We need to make sure they like you if you haggle” shouts Khadija who starts trying to negotiate the purchase of a boat. It’s 110 Euros. Sarah jumps in “Can we go to 90 …can I just say 75” (Amazing haggling there Sarah). Somehow she gets away with it as the shopkeeper is a creep “OK -for pretty girls”. Catfight number two ensues outside with Khadija insisting “I would have gone lower” and Sarah accusing her of backstabbing”.

Kayode’s team realise their mistake. “We need to be in a place where its open for business – its not here” points out David Alden, who looks like a tax adviser. Oh he is one. Apparently he has a tendency to be too trusting. Amazon would love him. Kayode’s team abort their mission. Meanwhile, on a tip off from a fish trap salesman, (p)Rick drags his team to the ghost town for bamboo blinds. But what’s this, Kayode spots two curtain shops on the way out of town and manage to pick one up before zooming off to civilisation. (p)Rick finally decides to call Kayode and tell him of his ace plan when they’re parked outside the very same shop. “We already got it” Kayode informs him. (p)Rick whinges on that he’s wasted lots of time as Kayode didn’t tell him. No (p)Rick, you’ve wasted loads of times because you’re an idiot. It’s all a bit Monty Python.

On Gozo – Camilla gushes about the salt (“It’s so white and clean” – yeah – it’s salt). They then realise that they’ve gone to the WRONG ISLAND for the honey. Whoops. Jackie rolls her eyes and tuts as Jasmine decides to risk staying on Gozo and trying to find more tut.

In more hilariously farcical miscommunications, Khadija literally gets a man to take down his own blind for 50 euros, whilst Sian tries to point out it’s not on their list. Over on Gozo we see Jasmine buy a blind for one Euro from an old man whose clearly given up on his blind business. She phones Sian and another bitchscrap ensues.

Alex shows his negotiation skills by only buying two bottles of wine (rather than the 6 needed) and arguing them down manfully from 59 Euros to 58.99. Literally everyone says “FFS!” even the shopkeepers.

Finally back on Malta, Jasmine has gone full on honey monster and is determined to get this honey despite risking being late and Jackie moaning about the honey-maker giving “terrible directions”.

Sian’s team waits anxiously at the airport watching the boys reunite for a group hug and missing several planes. But Jasmine gets her honey so she’s chilled.

“We couldn’t have done anything more” Sarah sighs. Apart from getting all the items, communicating and turning up on time. Jackie twists the knife “If I was in charge wouldn’t have chosen to go to Gozo”  –  yes but you weren’t in charge for some strange reason were you?

Next morning it’s boardroom time. Jasmine gets stick for going to Gozo, although Sugar points out they could have picked up four items there. Sarah’s outted for hijacking Khadija’s negotiation (“Was that me?”). Sugar crowbars a “blind leading the blind” gag.

Kayode’s in full on business bullshit mode trying to take credit for calling the tourist info bods until Karren points out that was Tom’s idea.

Sugar asks if they confirmed what an octopus was – revealing “it was diving equipment and you bought a real live octopus”. Daniel points out helpfully “it was dead”.

Kayode explains the “serendipity” in finding the cloak until Karren calls him out on not asking for it in the shop. “It was so dusty it was probably in the basement” he blethers. “No it was right there” Karren says. “I didn’t go in first so didn’t see it” he flails. “Stop making excuses” snaps Sugar.

Kayode explains he didn’t go to Gozo for the Gozo salt as he thought he could source it locally “in an off license”. He is not of this world is he? Karren pulls him up on this and he rejoins “I dunno I’ve never been to Malta!”  Please keep him in for the interviews!

Anyhow the boys brought 7 items for 128 Euros – but as the octopus was wrong and they only bought 2 bottles of wine they’re fined shit loads. The resulting spend is 764 Euros.

The girls also got 7 items, spending 191 Euros As the honey was bought after the deadline and they got two blinds and turned up late they’re even more leaving a total of  929 Euros. Kayode has the nerve to fist pump (“That’s what I’m talking about!”) until Sugar points out “this aint no great win”.

For winning, as (p)Rick points out “by default”, they get to eat a Maltese feast in the house. (Kayode “I’m more hungry than Budapest!” er what?)

The girls get more time to argue in the new corrugated café Doom, with Jasmine calling out Jackie for nominating her as PM and then just undermining her and Jackie going all hacky (“I’m pissed off as it’s clear who’s responsible”). Sarah has a pop “Why didn’t you as the Projac.. I mean project manager do something” and Jasmine describes her as a “horse who can’t be held back”. Sarah goes all CLASS WAR (“Oooh sorry I’m not middle class and posh”). I think the chip needs ketchup.

Back in the boardroom Jasmine takes the rap for being late. Camilla tries to take credit for arguing against going to Gozo and for making sure they got enough salt (“I’m grateful at that point you were paying attention Camilla!”). Jackie claims nobody was given any jobs or role responsibilities and Jasmine describes her as “the opinionator”. Jackie gives her snarling evils. Jasmine brings Jackie and Sarah back.

Claude finds Jackie “manipulative”. She’ll go far.

Back in and Sarah admits she “became disruptive at one point” (cough) “but it was just a disagreement and will never happen again”. Jasmine asks why Sarah rowed with her in Café Doom and Sarah doesn’t deny it, thus rendering her previous statement bollocks. “You seem to think you’re better than me!” she gripes. Anyhow Sugar fires her, and she fortunately doesn’t immediately shout “IT’S COS AHM WORKING CLASS ISN’T IT?” She’s upbeat in the Taxi of Despair and vows to “strive for success”.

Jackie’s card is well and truly marked. For playing the game.

Back at the house, Daniel’s decided he would fire all three for being hopeless.

Khadija is in proper hard-faced mode “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.. so we’re about to reunite and kick your arses”.

Next week they design a comic.

Liking: Tom, Kurran, Sian

Meh: Alex, Daniel, Camilla, Sabrina, David, Jasmine, Frank

Potential for Evil: Jackie, Sarah Ann, Khadija

Potential for Delusion: Kayode,(p)Rick

Bye Bye: Sarah