Archives for category: Uncategorized

Our shiny suited shitclowns are summoned to Ally Pally at 4am. Gathered on the Ice Rink, Lord Sugz reveals in another tenuous link the task is about ice. You can just see the girls thinking “Oooh! Diamonds” but no it’s making ice lollies to flog to Joe and Jo Public plus a bespoke model to corporate clients. Most profit wins.

Angry Lewis channels his inner Bruce Willis as he declares he can’t deal with seeing the girls smug faces again.

Lewis ep2

Yippee kiyay Mofos


This year the teams don’t even bother with wanky names like Executwunt or BizFart, so we’re straight in with a power struggle between Kenna (who has an ice cream business FFS and has “played with lollies before” (ooer)) and Riyonn who has eaten food and therefore declares his skillz to be equal to the team’s very own Mr Whippy. There’s a vote and only Thomas is mad (or Brexity) enough to vote for Riyonn. Kenna chooses Dean to lead the corporate sub-team much to the chagrin of Ryan-Mark, who has a face like a slapped bum for the rest of the episode (“If we fail it’s on you. I am a multi award winning public speaker” etc etc).

RM sulk ep2

Mega flounce.


Bakery boss Carina leads the girls. Easy peasy. No arguments. They choose a retro sweets theme. Carina wants Lottie to lead the subteam as she’s bigged herself up as someone who can deliver a design brief, but Lottie insists she picks Marianne due to her “experience”.

We finally meet Marianne. She’s an optimistic yank (she thinks she can deal with any challenges from Lottie – good luck with that).

To the design lab go Carina, Pamela, Lubna and Jemelin. They create a cherry cola and liquorice monstrosity (it could be worse – it’s nearly “cheesy cola” with some cream cheese folded in. Yum!).

Kenna is all about the profit margin, working out the cost per unit of everything and coming up with some bizarre concoction of blueberries, stem ginger and lavender cos it’s cheap as chips.

Off to a Beauty Brand in East Lahndan and having agreed the pitch plan in the car Dean decides to change everything. Ryan Mark and Souleyman have a little mutiny and Dean appeals for respect (“Let’s make sure we smash it”). Dean wants to get an understanding of the client’s “ethos” and they insist on QUALITY. Dean manages to eventually get them to agree to 90 lollies at £3.85 each (having at first increased the price and doubled the quantity offered – oops). Ryan Mark is disgusted “You made a U turn! You are a U turn!” whilst Claude shakes his head in dismay. Kenna calls in “How did it go?” and Dean is all “Yeah alright” before confirming that the clients want glitter, raspberries and coconut milk lollies. “Don’t make it awful” pleads Dean. Cut to the boys stirring glitter into more and more coconut milk as Riyonn can’t get enough of the stuff. Kenna strictly rations the coconut milk as he doesn’t give a shit how the bespoke lollies taste, he’s not wasting 5p extra per unit (“This is a pricing task” – erm. It turns out that coconut milk makes glitter go non-glittery. Shocked that Riyonn didn’t realise this. Also confused as to why the boys don’t just roll them in glitter. Have we learned nothing from Drag Race?

Lottie, Scarlett, Iasha and Marianne pitch to their Plant corporate clients and big up the high end aspect of their lollies requesting £3.75 each. The client only wants to offer £3 and Lottie pipes up with £3.50. Having agreed they would discuss pricing, Scarlett’s left in the embarrassing position of requesting a time out (during which time the clients wait patiently despite obviously being able to hear Lottie doing the LOUDEST WHISPERING EVER). Back in finally Scarlett suggests er £3.50 (“We can just about make it work”). The client accepts. Scarlett then does the sums wrong working out the costs and it’s all somewhat of an omni shambles but somehow they get away with it.

3am and time for a “lolly making masterclass”. Carina thinks “We’ve got all the elements to succeed today -what could go wrong?” Duh duh DUH.

Kenna manages an effective production line with everyone knowing their roles from mixing to freezing to labelling and packing. The girls all bicker and flail about. “Er Jemelin can you put them in the whatever that is… the freezer thing” instructs Carina. Slick.

I do like how only some of the boys care about hygiene.

Hygiene ep2

Kenna inquires casually as to delivery time for the corporate client and Dean is all “Erm Um” (Say something!) “er First thing in the morning”. Whoopsie he hasn’t arranged an appointment. Ryan Mark is all “told you so!” and grasses up Dean for changing his pitch plan. “That doesn’t stop you saying something” Kenna snaps. “We weren’t allowed to speak” fibs Souleyman. Kenna tries to be positive and knuckle down to getting the corporate lollies out first. They look a bit like a porno milky maid when complete and Dean isn’t impressed. Riyonn retorts that “You didn’t give us a bespoke specification – just flavours” and they all have a big shouty match until Kenna stops them all and demands that Dean just sell them as best he can. Ryan Mark motivates him in the car by listing the many ways in which their lolly is shit (“Invisible glitter, looks like a penis”).

Heaven ep2

Brand name idea “Heaven on a stick”


They get there for the morning delivery at 1pm and wait for ages for the woman to appear. Souleyman contributes by getting Dean to move the box around so it doesn’t act as a “barrier” between him and the client. The state of those lollies I’d WANT a barrier. Ryan Mark does a lot of haughty disappointed looks and they wait some more.

Lottie (natch) is in charge of posh corporate lollies and adds half a fucking shrubbery to each. “Hurry up” urges Jemelin. “This is a gourmet product” sneers Lottie. Jemelin restrains the urge to kill and instead does a great Lottie impression “Nurrrr Eees Gourmeet”. They do look good if a tad arboreal when they come out and Lottie sets to snipping off any leaves that are sticking out. Karen tries one and grimaces “It’s like eating a garden” (maybe they could brand them “Lady Garden”?). The clients are frightened by the foliage and the girls take yet ANOTHER time out to sift through the box of frozen goods in the sunshine looking for ones good enough to sell. Whilst the clients wait inside. Lottie suggests working out a price but Marianne points out they don’t know how many lollies there are to sell yet. Eventually they find 80 and go back inside where amazingly the clients still agree to buy. There’s more fricking idiocy as Lottie can’t work out the new price (“I’m sorry it’s off the top of my head – if you could help me out” – you know your phone has a calculator on it right?!) and Karen winces. Outside Marianne confronts Lottie “You mentioned we should do the maths” and Lottie is all “You are Sub Team Leader and you said no”. Marianne accuses Lottie of picking her as sub team leader to throw her under the bus (probably correct) and Lottie insists it’s because “YOU ARE OVER TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME”. Hahaha! She is so evil.

Librarian ep2.jpg

“Me? I’m just a librarian – who happens to be MUCH, MUCH younger than you!”


Carina’s retro lollies are ready and Jemelin urges Lubna to pack them carefully with ice at the top to keep them frozen. So of course she just chucks them in the box. At the zoo they open the box (penguins looking hopefully on) and they’ve all broken or melted. Oopsie. “Do we know who packed them?” asks Pamela and Lubna looks a bit sheepish. “They can eat them in pieces” declares Carina, like the Marie Antionette of iced goods.

The rest of the boys gather at Regents Canal in boater hats with Thomas doing his best Cockerney Barrel Boy Bantz and annoyingly selling really well. (“Gis that fiver, I’ll give you a pahnd!”. Woman “This tastes like my nan’s wardrobe” Thomas “See it’s bringing back nice memories”) and Claude is impressed.

Dean and his team are still waiting to be seen! The woman eventually turns up (“I wasn’t sure what time we were meeting”) all excited to see the lollies. And then the box is opened. “That looks a bit rude”. She thinks it doesn’t look premium and suggests they are only worth a quid each. Dean offers £3.50, £2.85 and £1.25 rather than just biting her hand off for the £90 and in the end she’s just annoyed and tells them to sling their hook and take their sad phallic lollies with them. Kenna isn’t happy. He’s fuming! He’s raging! But he tries to rally everyone to “sell sell!” even though he’s sad they didn’t just try to get a quid each to make some profit (Dean to his credit looks embarrassed here, but he still blames the product).

In the boardroom, Lottie gets stick for not listening to her PM and taking the sub team leader role. Marianne’s compared to Theresa May for coming back with exactly the same offer of £3.50 (although let’s face it – better than no deal – bitta politics eh)?

Kenna states that with his “understanding from a lolly perspective” (with a stick up your bum?) he thinks healthy options would sell best (WHAT?). Ryan Mark moans that Kenna didn’t hold a vote for Sub Team Leader and Sugz is all “that’s his prerogative” so Ryan Mark boohoos “I understand but I didn’t have the option”. Dean is outed for not taking a quid per lolly and Thomas starts interrogating him until Sugar asks “Do you wanna sit over here?” Sadly it seems Sugz has fallen for the cheeky cockney market trader charm and declares Thomas a “hero” for his selling prowess.

Anyhow results time – the boys spent a lot less and made £439 profit. Continuing in the trend of “surprise” endings the girls spent a lot more and made £545 profit. They’re sent to West Ken Spa to get their bums tickled with the filling snipped from their ice lollies as some sort of bizarre punishment.

Tickled ep2

Something about bushes.


The Boys troop to Café doom again with Sugar unimpressed. Kenna blames his subteam and Thomas insists they should have sold the willy lolly given he managed to flog something with bladdy lavender in it. Dean still blames the piss poor product.

Lottie has chosen “ten years older” Marianne to backstab this week. “She could have been assertive – if you have a problem with me being dominating just tell me” she smarms to camera. I have a feeling she’s playing a Hopkins game here.

Back in the boardroom and Sugz reveals that the true task was making the bespoke item high quality enough to sell (who knew!). Kenna blames the poor info from his corporate team and Ryan Mark swoops in “You are selling yourself as a food connoisseur”. “I DON’T DEAL WITH GLITTER” insists Kenna (This must be in a BBC guidebook somewhere). We’re treated to the willy lolly again which Sugar describes as looking like “medical waste” and an increasingly shaken Kenna brings back Dean and Ryan-Mark who complains again about Kenna’s “executive decision as PM to not listen to me” (How entitled is this dude?).

Dean keeps “holding his hands up” and Sugar asks if he’s admitting liability. “No” squeaks Dean. Whereupon Kenna holds his hands up. Doh! Ryan-Mark insists he deserves to be in the process but Sugar’s not impressed (“I don’t like people who stir up trouble”). For a second it looks like Dean will rightly go for losing out on the money from the corporate client and sitting around like a tit for ages, but eventually poor Kenna goes and didn’t even get decent advertising for his ice cream business. Although those pink willies could go down a storm at Pride – just roll them in the glitter boys. Poor Kenna has a little sob even though he admits in the taxi of regret that he knew he was a “dead man walking” when the task was lost. Despite him having been 24 Sugar seems to have saved 19 year old Dean and 20 year old Ryan Mark because they are mere foetuses and he wants to tell them to GROW UP and stop blaming people. Like that’s gonna happen in 16 weeks.

Back at the house Ryan-Mark auditions for a Lloyd Weber musical with the campest return to the house ever.

Enchante ep2



This could only have been more flamboyent had he grabbed that rose and danced in with it clenched between his buttocks.

Meanwhile Dean insists the girls are “NEVER winning again”. It’s all getting a bit Incel on Boyteam.

Next week they have to design a toy – and (joys!) make an advert.


Liking:  Lubna, Jemelin, Scarlett, Marianne

Still crushing on: Souleyman

Meh: Iasha, Carina, Pamela, Riyonn

Disliking: Thomas, Dean, Ryan-Mark

Anger Management Issues: Lewis (they’re all going to be needling him from now on)

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna


It’s been ages since I’ve blogged about anything and I’m partially inspired by the temporary retirement of Mr FunnyFarm alias SortItAht who has handed in his political swearing gloves for the time being, that and suffering from hormonally induced depression I watched the Leadership Debate on ITV tonight and realised that it’s all insufferably meaningless and this person will be our next Prime Minister.


I didn’t vote for him, nor did most of you apart from those who have restricted access to sharp objects and sponge. So, it matters not one jot that he came across as a blustering, bullying fool and actually made Jeremy “I screwed the NHS and I am made of a neck” Hunt look positively almost acceptable. This is our brave new world. This guy. You can tell people by their mates.


We are in Trumpland UK and nobody I know will have voted for this. This overgrown toddler will go prancing over everything, sending what’s left of our economy spiralling and for what? Because a cowardly, rumoured pigs head molester wimped out and assuaged the far right of his party a few years ago, and other demons, including our new glorious leader, helped to guide people with genuine grievances towards blaming foreigners. The people who fell for this will remain skint. They will suffer from cuts and further privatisation of the NHS that Boris’s bus promised to save. And the people who lied and rode the tide of dissent, steering it happily towards intolerance will make money out of it. As if they needed any more. (The Express very coyly suggests Boris is worth 1.5million, but if you do the maths & include other interests – his income should be much more).


So what to do? Well protest as much as possible obviously. But also vote wisely. Voting is a numbers game. And here’s the sticky issue. The Labour party is under attack for some relevant and some politically motivated reasons (including “surprisingly” almost constantly from the right wing press who seem to have jam-making flaky cake baker Corbyn cast as an odd cross between Fidel Castro and Hitler – although the actual policies they’ve bothered to put forward look vaguely OK (privatising trains, energy companies, increasing welfare aid etc) – well apart from the very thorny issue of Brexit). In a perfect world a rainbow progressive coalition would be the best option and I’m pissed off Labour didn’t choose this last election (the very worthy Caroline Lucas (what a PM she could have made) did make an offer) cos we need all hands on decks here to beat the threat of either the Tories continuing with their sorting their mates out whilst making cuts elsewhere killing vulnerable people, or whatever guise the further right of Farage and Banks materialises in next just fucking us all up completely. If there isn’t a better option I would urge you to vote the best placed progressive party in your constituancy. If it’s Labour and you have to hold your nose do it as unfortunately we screwed up our chance at changing the voting system in 2011. Ideally I’d like the Labour, Lib Dems, Greens and Scottish Democrats to sort out a credible progressive opposition and genuinely change our politics (as opposed to Labour saying they’re trying to and not) as soon as possible – because Thatcher helped screw my childhood prospects up and I don’t want Boris to do this to other people (or let’s face it to mess up my dotage).

So, a chortling buffoon who also happens to be a dodgy geezer who has discussed journalist beating and who has aggressive screaming matches with his missus is going to be our glorious leader. Please don’t let this last a long time. Actually even if Hunt gets in, lets sort it out.

The candidates are summoned to London City Airport at 5am and everyone’s excited about where they might be going. Ooh from City Airport they might even get all the way to Aberdeen!

Kurran’s gone all mystical chosen one “Lord Sugar looked me in the eye and told me I am the next PM”.

Sugar gathers them on the runway (sadly not to hose them in jet fuel) informing them that the British Airline market is on a high (maybe everyone’s trying to fuck off) so they have to create a brand and advertisement for a new budget airline – including designing a “uniform” and pitch it to industry experts.

There’s some jiggery pokery for no reason whatsoever so Typhoon now comprises Tom, Sabrina, Sian, Sarah, Jasmine and Kayode. Sabrina once went into a travel shop or something so is elected leader and settles on a business target market setting Sian as subteam leader to design the brand and uniform as she designs swimming cozzies, whilst she takes Kayode and Jasmine to work on the advert. Kayode’s keen on including humour and wants to depict a businessman so harassed by plebs next to him on the flight that he can only find peace with his laptop whilst taking a shit. Jasmine is DEFINITELY not keen on toilet humour. She may well be professional and the likely winner but she’s a proper joy vacuum this episode.

Collaborative now comprises Daniel, Khajida, Camilla, Jackie and Kurran their glorious leader. “Everything I’ve done in my life has led to this moment” he drawls, “I suppose you’re all glad here to experience this”. Tumbleweed. He wants to aim at business too but Camilla shouts him down into going “party” (*Marvin Voice in My Head* “Sounds hideous.”) insisting “It was MY decision.. I just took a moment to visualise it”. Whatevah. Naturally Kurran insists on directing the advert whilst Jackie and Camilla are off to do branding and uniform. They’re buzzing with frankly terrifying brand names. Strawpedo? (Sounds like a child molesting scarecrow). Jet-Pop! (Why not call it Cloud Explosion and be done with it?).

Dan suggests making the beach the airline, “You walk onto the plane but it’s a beach with girls there”. I reckon they should just do a speed version of the pilot episode of Lost complete with the propeller bit. Kurran does fuck all apart lean back chewing his pen but somehow persuades everyone to high five him. He’s such a bloody princeling.

So in apparently “Fashionable East London” the branding teams get designing at design studios. Jackie and Camilla go crazy with hideous fabrics because Camilla is so fricking “fashion savvie”. They end up creating day glo “boob tubes” ideal for leaning over people with hot drinks. “Where are your boobs?” asks Camilla, “They’re like here” Jackie points out helpfully. Claude is endearingly worried about “stewardesses” getting chilly.

Sian utterly ignores the archly helpful designer and comes up with some weird Aladdin inspired trouser suit with a peplum (Designer “It looks like a nappy”) and a draped bit of curtain which Karren reckons is totally copied from big airlines. The designer flounces off (“I’m glad I was here to guide you” – subtext – you ignorant bitch).
NOBODY points out that both these uniforms are for women. We are in the 1970s here.”
Jasmine offers her directing skills (“I’ve directed a music video”) but Sabrina says she’ll direct the ad. Jasmine shoots her a dark “On your head be it” look.

Kurren suggests the name Pangaea which nobody understands. He explains it to the subteam (“It’s planet earth before the continents broke down”) and they glaze over before suggesting Strawpedo and Jet-Pop, but he insists they use his name, even if they think it’s crap. He takes the advert team to film in Southend. Talk about exotic! Poor Megan the model not only gets to freeze her tits off in a deckchair whilst Kurran wildly improvises the plot, she also has to pretend to be Dan’s girlfriend and listen to Kurran (“I cant even tell you how beautiful you look its actually making me emotional”). Khadija’s concerned Kurran’s not following the agreed storyboard but he insists he’s not doing it off the cuff. Just making it all up. Khadija deals with her annoyance by screeching over the shots and throwing a wobbly when she’s admonished for this. Kurran controls all the editorial decisions (“I want the logo at the start”, Designer “Doesn’t that usually come at the end”, Kurran “Er yeah I’d like it both at the beginning and end”) and won’t listen to anyone else, doing big “Talk to the hand” gestures. “Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel” he repeats like Alan Patridge refusing to drive a Mini Metro rather than let his subteam colleague have his say. Dan just laughs “OK” (wanker).

Sabrina films (with constant intervention from a stony faced Jasmine) in a mock plane cabin which looks way more comfy than Ryanair. The point of the advert seems to be a comparison between a shite airline full of twats (played by Kayode with an inflatable flamingo) and a relaxing experience on their business focused service). “What comes before Part-B?” nudges Kayode. “Part-AY!”. (Doesn’t it come before Part-F? Oh sorry). Jasmine is not amused and declares it CRING-AY. Kayode looks sad like a puppy that’s been told off for peeing on a rug. Sabrina manages to put the fun back in by choosing Highway to Hell as the theme tune. If it had cut to classical music when the business-friendly alternative was shown this might just have worked. Jasmine looks thoroughly mortified and insists she can turn the advert around if she’s allowed to edit, making a big song and dance over sitting next to Steven the designer so she can pretend Kayode and Sabrina don’t exist (“You can edit from your own chair!”).

Sian’s team come up with the name Manageair (I see what they did) and come up with a weird logo that’s meant to represent a clock (why?) but looks like a Masonic symbol crossed with a doodle of stick figures having sex. Karren does a big yawn. The rest of the team look bored and confused. Tom insists anyone would remember that logo (if it was branded onto their face?). Sarah frumps in in the uniform which Jasmine thinks looks like a high-end Middle Eastern airline.

Jackie and Camilla proudly unveil Jet Pop to Kurran’s profound sadness and Dan’s concern (“The O looks like an explosion”). MrFunnyFarm points out that Kurran’s sulky silence and posture seems to be based on Tony Montana from Scarface. I just think he’s acting the twat. The slutty uniform is modelled by Jackie. Dan’s unconvinced. Kurran (of course) loves it and surprisingly doesn’t suggest in-flight lapdances.

“I said call it Pangaea you fuckin Cockaroaches…”

So it’s off to conduct Market Research at Heathrow and the Stewardesses (no stewards) are all horrified by Jackie’s adjustable straps (“borderline tacky”), but think the Manageair branding is too dull.

Jackie’s “super keen” to help pitch in an annoying girly “stewardess” voice (arggh!) introducing her “flight crew” (Kurran “I’d prefer if you made me captain”).

Sabrina picks Tom and Sian to co-pitch, putting “professional speaker” Kayode’s nose out of joint (“Can I give suggestions based on my experience”) until she offers him the chance to introduce the pitch and he’s all happy again.

At the Pitch Kayode states there has never been an airline “dedicated to business travellers” (Erm there have been a few aimed at them and you can’t exclude anyone else?) before painting a nightmare scenario of being on a plane, “sitting on a chair” (Until they get phased out) “surrounded by noisy kids” (and racists), before showing off the logo which everyone sniggers at like it’s a naughty Rorschach blob (“You like the logo? I like it too!).

From the wings Sabrina whispers “At least it’s making them laugh” whilst Jasmine looks daggers at her. Sarah stands around looking awkward in her Jason King/MC Hammer/Homebase Curtains ensemble and Tom witters about it being an “affordable efficient, relaxing experience for travel” (aren’t three of those words mutually exclusive when it comes to travel?). BA are not happy with “Highway to Hell” and Sabrina’s talk of “irony” isn’t reaching them. Kayode insists in response to a question on how to guarantee it’s “child free” that the advertising will deter families who “know their children are going to make noise” as though there is any other type of family. He is adorable but talks utter bollocks.

Jackie’s Jet-Pop girl is just embarrassing, especially when she gets the name wrong (“Welcome aboard Pop Jet!”) and describes her boob tube (she looks like Olive Oyl wearing a flannel in the uniform) as “easy to wipe down”.
The oddness continues as Kurran bores on about how “difficult the industry is to penetrate”. After the badly dubbed and shot advert, which makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Metropolis, there’s concerns from BA about the name and explosive logo. Jackie insists it looks more like an “explosion of fun”. That one was also sexual. There’s also worries about encouraging passengers to drink, although Dan says it’s “just enough to relax” (that’s a lot of booze to relax on a budget airline”).

The Industry Experts grass up the teams to Sugar describing Typhoon as dated and Collaborative as bizarre and awful. In the Boardroom Sabrina grasses Jasmine up for having no sense of humour and Sugar confirms the Jasmine edited advert was humour free. Kurran has to explain Pangaea to Lord Sugar, which he does at great length causing eyes to roll and graze. Nobody’s any the wiser. Kurran blames the branding team for not using his great name and Camilla points out they’d struggle if they didn’t know what the fuck it meant.

For once there’s no engineered surprise and Tyhpoon win getting to eat at a Chinese Restaurant because they’re out of treat budget where everyone insists that the win was ALL DOWN TO THEM.

Kurran looks broody as Sugar explains they should have looked at their ideas through “fresh eyes” or even sane eyes.

In the Bridge Café Kurran manages to be a massive twat to everyone. Smart move! “A five year old would come up with a better name” he sneers at Camilla. “You were difficult” he tells Khadija. She insists she’s been the epitome of reserved dignity, warning to camera that she “WILL TELL EVERYBODY HOW IT IS!!” She’s such a delicate flower.
Back in the Boardroom again and Jackie looks like a haunted Katherine Ryan, staying as quiet as possible so Camilla will take the rap for the branding.

Karren does her big pretend right on sisters speech: “Can you image as woman being asked to wear that as a uniform when the main role of stewardesses is ensuring the safety of passengers”. She’s still only saying “Stewardesses” so some fucking feminist she is.

Jackie fibs and says Kurran didn’t insist that they had to use his name suggestion. Khadija goes on a big rant about being told off for “being too enthusiastic” before having an amusing go at Dan for being a diva during his acting stint (“You SAT in a DECKCHAIR!”). Kurran still doesn’t see what’s wrong with the advert. No he can’t be this deluded – he wants his own telly show or newspaper column doesn’t he? (It won’t be in the Mail, sorry mate).

He brings back Camilla and says he’d like to bring in Jackie but she “did well in the pitch” (eh?) so chooses…. Khadija. As Dan and Jackie depart Khadija has a whinge (“She had to be good in the pitch – she created it” ooh saucer of milk).

It all gets a bit surreal with Kurran relaying Sugar’s questions to Camilla and talking as though our favourite Nookie Bear faced peer isn’t over the table from them.
Kurran blames the name, stating he contributed a name. “Oh yeah, I remember. The rubbish one” snaps Camilla. Khadija just whines on about being told off for being “passionate”. Sugar suggests she sounds argumentative. “No I’m not I’m POSITIVE!”. She turns on Kurran “The difference between us is I own a business, you just want to be an actor” (that’ll be it) and Kurran reaches peak twat (“Can I first deal with Khadija then I’ll deal with you Camilla”).

Sugar worries about Khadija being disruptive (“I won’t be!”) but ultimately it has to be Kurran who’s fired (“Thanks for giving me a shot”) and the girls are sent home with marked cards. Kurran doesn’t even hug them with his good arm, he’s all “See you on the flip side baby” before insisting in the Taxi of Fevered Brows that he was robbed and his advert was “GOLD”. True art is never recognised in it’s time eh.

Next week the teams set up urban gardening businesses and promisingly get let loose with chainsaws.

Should win despite being a Joy Vacuum: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode

Warming to: Daniel

Meh: Sian, Sabrina, Camilla

Bit of a Nob: Tom

Potentially Evil: Khadija, Sarah Ann

Cruella De Ville: Jackie

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran

The candidates are summoned to the Adelphi theatre in thatWestEnd, and Kurran (darling!) can already “smell the sweat from backstage” (“Theatre may not be right up my street but it will be on my street or at least on the corner”) and announces he is “100% stepping up”. Unfortunately he’s fallen for yet another tenuous task link, as Lord Sugar connects the fact that the musical Kinky Boots was on at this theatre about a shoe factory saved by elves designing “original shoes” (actually shoes for drag acts but they skirt over that) and demands that they do the same, pitching their products to retail – most orders wins. Immediately Kurran backtracks (“I’ve never bought women’s shoes”) and Jackie is elected to lead Collaborative (Kurran, Sarah-Ann, Jasmine, (p)Rick, Kayode) as she buys quirky shoes.

Tom’s moved to Typhoon with Daniel, Khajida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian, who as a swimwear designer is chosen as PM.  She wants to make high heels, but Dan and Camilla, who join her on the design team argue her down shockingly easily into “fashion trainers”. She wants to make them “Colourful, bold and bright so they’re not like other trainers”. Erm – I’m not a fashion expert but aren’t trainers all in hideous colours? Camilla argues her down yet again into going for pink and grey (as she would buy that – which tells me more about her than the trainer market). She wants a carnival theme with colours reflecting the Brazilian flag and dispatches Sabrina, Tom and Khadija to organise the event, unfortunately failing to inform them of the new boring colour scheme. Dan comes up with the idea of having customisable elements which turns out to be a bloody pink bow that you can er put on or take off the trainer. It’s all a bit My Little Pony.


Camilla’s most sophisticated pair of FM shoes.

Jackie’s into the idea of an “urban heel” with a graffiti tag and not the Dalmatian puppy skin shoes I was anticipating. Kurran, having backed down from leadership decides to spend the task rubbishing every decision made and starts moaning about how graffiti is so not down with the kids like he is. “Kurran. I love you, but” Jackie says, and you can almost hear the unspoken  “Shut up FFS!” Kurran wants to work on design, but Jackie thinks it’s “key that someone gets it” and sends him to marketing so she doesn’t have to watch him making hacky faces. Jasmine gets to lead the marketing subteam, and gets (p)Rick to work with as well. Joy! Jackie advises her to “BE STRONG!” In the car Kurran insists the concept is flawed “THAT IS ALL”. Kurran has spoken.

They all head off to Clarks, the cutting edge of shoe design. Jackie’s got her heart set on shoes modelled in her own image (painful) and refuses to listen to anyone elses (Kayode “wedges are urban” Jackie “I wouldn’t wear a wedge” etc etc). With minutes left Jackie finally asks what people think and Sarah-Ann admits she wouldn’t buy them. Jackie drops the slutty mesh, changes the colour scheme and makes the inside yellow (cos that’s the main factor in buying a shoe) and as if by magic Sarah-Ann now loves them and not just because they’re running out of time. Oh no.

Jasmine takes her naughty boys to look for urban props. Kurran is distinctly art-agit in his choices (“You could have a lion’s head with a shoe in it’s mouth”) and (p)Rick gets bored and orders everything whilst insulting the retailer (adding “no offence” at the end of saying something offensive really doesn’t help). Jasmine looks horrified. Kurran wants to host the event in a nightclub. (p)Rick wants a boxing gym and starts going on about Zoolander. Jasmine puts her foot down (“Nobody wants to attend a dingy venue”).

It’s branding time and Daniel takes over again, insisting on the name “Nu-Switch” – even suggesting that as a designer shoe it should be named after himself. Because he added a f(p)Ricking pink bow. They all try to think of one word to encapsulate their impossibly dull shoe and accordingly pass this task to the subteam when they call. Sabrina worries that not actually seeing the shoe may hinder them. Sian hopes “they think of a good name” – such leadership.

On Collaborative Kayode gets urban suggesting “pelt” (don’t ask me, I feel about 90) or “fleekies” (sounds like something from a Rab Burns poem that you scrape from under your sporren, Karren thinks it sounds like “cat food”). Jackie suggests the (not) Lady Macbeth inspired name “Out Out” (I think she says “Ow Ow” at first, which sums up my high heel experience).  She breaks the news to the subteam and Kurran is “down with that”. Jasmine confirms she understands the lingo. She doesn’t look happy though. She does come up with a poster tag line “Why go out when you can go out out”. Kurran tries to insist on “New heel on the block” which doesn’t even making fucking sense and Jasmine looks pointedly at her watch “We’re not doing that sorry”. The rest of the team love her poster and Kurran sits around looking peeved. (Kurran “The last thing I want to do is bring negative energy” (really?) “but it’s about what the retailers think”. What a ray of sunshine.

When Sabrina finally gets to look at the design she thinks it “looks like something you give to a 4 year old girl” and worries that the branding may confuse client. They come up with the shoe name “Vibing 1.0” which sounds like a personal massager and the tag line “Nu-Switch: Switch your steps”. What? Sian and Dan aren’t impressed and Camilla points out “with all due respect” (i.e. none) that they were asked to come up with the name as the design team couldn’t. Sian sends Khadija, Sabrina and Tom to make canopies whilst she takes the others to do consumer research. Literally everyone thinks they are child’s shoes. Even the mad lady with pink hair who loves pink wouldn’t buy them.

Jackie’s market research team (including Kurran who’s spared from making canapés due to having one arm) have the opposite problem as only old ladies want to wear the milfy shoes – and they have no idea what a fleeky is (and would probably try to treat it with dettol or fabreze), whereas the youth say “yes we get the attempt at urban branding but YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”

Jasmine is super eager to make appetising canapés, whilst (p)Rick can’t be arsed and left to his own devices would probably splash out on TWO types of crisp. He gets a strop on being asked to wrap ham condoms around breadsticks (to be fair I don’t understand either). “Is there not a machine we can use” he whines. “Yes a machine called (p)Rick” Jasmine sasses.

The trainer is unveiled to dishonest gasps at the beach bar they’ve picked for the launch. “How did the consumer feedback go?” asks Sabrina. “Er pretty good” LIES Sian. Camilla thinks it should be aimed at a “younger market” based on the feedback rather than her own eyes. As the retailers arrive they all agree NOT TO DEVIATE from the agreed price range. It’s a tough crowd, trying to work out why a carnival theme is used to pitch a startrite princess plimsoll.  Sian and Dan immediately DEVIATE from the price range to get sales, whilst poor Tom adheres to it rigidly with a look of pure apology on his big face.

The Urban heel is revealed and Jackie thinks it should be aimed at “women who want to make a statement”, especially if that statement is “old and available”. They still hip hop all the boys up at their launch. Jasmine starts pitching to a bridal shoe company (“Yellow is a wedding colour”) but (p)Rick is irritated that it’s not immediate sale and suggests they “don’t want to waste time” talking to the client, in front of the client (“no offence”). Jasmine is again mortified “Please don’t speak, you’re just offending them” and when he insists they’re not interested says she will have to ask him to leave. “Don’t speak to me like that” snaps (p)Rick, getting the fight he was so eagerly looking for. Eventually he moves away and what do you know, Jasmine sells the shoe. The retailer probably just wanted to stick it to (p)Rick.

Khadija’s having the opposite problem, and offers to lower her price (ha the look on Tom’s face!) whilst still loudly haranguing the poor shoe bloke who’s repeatedly said he isn’t interested. Sabrina tries to pull her aside, but Khadija won’t budge so Sabrina quietly asks “If he’s not interested do you want to keep going?” Khadija turns on her “It’s really rude of you to say that in front of a customer and embarrassing to me” and is full of hard-faced fury to Sabrina for the rest of the episode. Tom despairs to Sian that three customers wanted him to drop the price and she “admits” that she and Dan may have dropped the price “just once” (LIES). Tom’s “really frustrated” (fucking fuming).

Jackie manages to use Jedi mind t(p)Ricks to make a shoe shop chain owner switch his order up from 500 to 2000. Kayode’s mojo is missing however as he fails to answer questions about marketing and waffles on about aiming at “not ONLY the younger demographic but also the older demographic too” before letting the customer walk away from a deal (“No problem I appreciate your concerns”). Shoes are kryptonite to Kayode.

Kurran’s far shitter though and keeps questioning potential customers as though he has no faith in the product (honest I suppose): “Do you think you’d see the shoe in your store?”, “Do you think it will sell?”. Of course he sells nothing and blames Jackie for the shoe.

Board Room time and Kurran’s accused of bottling his shot at being PM.

Sugar does a “hip op” joke from the past before describing the Out Out as “more lobotomy than Leboutin”. As the black man on the team, Kayode seems to have become Sugar’s urban translator, explaining what Hip Hop is and what fleekies means. “It sounds like (p)Rickets” Sugar complains. “I’ve often said you’re on fleek Alan” soothes Claude. Haha.

Jasmine reveals the marketing team wasted time bickering unprofessionally over micro details and both Kurran and (p)Rick act like nobheads in response.

Sian gets stick for over-deferring to Dan and Camilla (“I just realised my idea was more niche” she argues) and not for telling the rest of her team about changing her policy on pricing so they could have got more sales.

Khadija accuses Sabrina of saying “He’s not interested – move on!” in front of the customer. Er that didn’t happen, but Khadija is one of those scary ladies who always looks on the verge of decking someone so Sabrina lets it lie. Later Khadija loudly and blousily and er overbearingly accuses the softly spoken Sabrina of being “overbearing”.

Anyhow the results are in and Collaborative made £61,600 (with about £50k down to Jackie).

Somehow, and yes this show is so often about “surprise” results that they shouldn’t be surprising, but this one is a shocker, Typhoon made £86,603 and are sent to learn Irish dancing.

Jackie pulls a rictus face and looks like she needs to bathe in virgin’s blood. Kayode looks confused. They troop off to the Bridge café where Jackie stands by her concept.

Back in the boardroom – only Jackie and Jasmine made any sales. Kurran again blames the shoe, despite the fact Jackie and Jasmine sold it.

Sugar accuses Sarah-Ann of “hiding in the wings” but she declares she was “instrumental in the creation of the shoe” (not wise seeing as it didn’t sell and we all watched her “contribution”). Kayode says Jackie wasn’t easy to work with (“It was your way or the highway”) and she turns on him.

(p)Rick would have sold but Jasmine took too long in closing her sale. It’s almost as if the room wasn’t full of retailers he could have spoken too instead.

Jasmine thinks Kurran didn’t do much, but Kurran thinks (p)Rick did even less than him.

Jackie decides to bring Kurran and Kayode in. Kayode asks “Why” and the daggers are out (“YOU DIDN’T SELL! YOU WEREN’T INVOLVED IN THE DESIGN”. (p)Rick and Sarah-Ann can count themselves lucky there. But what’s this? In another “amazing” twist Sugar decides he’s “gonna sort this out” and find out who actually did what and they’re ALL brought back in as he’s not happy with Jackie’s choice.

Jasmine gets sent home for actually making a sale. Kayode likewise is safe on past performances.

Everyone justifies their existence. Kurran’s achievement was choosing a “nightclub” for the venue. (p)Rick thinks his gym was a better idea, but isn’t too put out they went for the “disco” ((p)Rick really does live in the 1980s) and proudly announced he got a barrel for £20 that they put the lions head on.

Sugar tells Kurran nobody likes him and he insists Sugar has “the power to make me PM?” Kurran doesn’t do personal responsibility. However Sugar has a bad feeling about (p)Rick and fires him instead telling Kurran he HAS to lead next time, whatever the task.

In the Taxi of Shame, (p)Rick complains that Kurran should have gone but he “threw me under a bus” (kind of the game) before sinisterly announcing that “Lord Sugar will live to regret this”.

Everyone is gobsmacked to see Kurran back and he explains “I alerted Lord Sugar to the fact that (p)Rick did less than me.”

“How is that possible?” splutters Dan, “NOBODY did less than you!”

Next week the teams create a marketing campaign for a new budget airline… nothing can top the masturbating in business class commercial, but I’m hoping for more such filth.

Nostalgia Corner (how RELAXED he looks!):

Has to Win: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode

Meh: Daniel, Sian, Sabrina, Camilla, Sarah Ann

Bit of a Nob: Tom, Kurran

Venomous Harridan: Khadija

Cruella De Ville:, Jackie

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick




The candidates are summoned to the Albert Hall, apparently famous for being the venue for the world’s first body building competition. And with that tenuous link the teams have to sell high end products and services at a bodybuilding expo in Birmingham. Most money wins.

Kayode’s switched to Collaborative with Jackie, Sarah-Ann, Jasmine (who plans to put “150 million percent” into the task. Arggh!), Kurran , Tom and (p)Rick (who is in a weird stalky mood as he confesses that feels like he’s somehow betraying Frank: “I’m sat in his seat.. I’m sleeping in his bed”). Jackie is “super happy” to put herself forward as she knows a lot about exhibitions and sod all about body building. Sarah-Ann puts herself forward as a gym bunny. (p)Rick tries ironically to muscle in on Jackie’s bid by saying he’d be best as he is unaware of gym equipment and does an excruciating “Who votes for me?!” bid to tumbleweed. “Thanks guys” he huffs, “I’m not offended”.

It’s all a bit

Kurran gives him a pity vote, but Sarah-Ann wins the bid for team leader. She asks Kayode what he wants to do and he’s all over products. (p)Rick however nicks his spot and he and Tom join Sarah-Ann in selecting products. Kayode’s nose is well out of joint (“Even Ray Charles could see I was infuriated.. it’s going to be very joyful to say I told you so”).


You piss off Kayode, you piss off Ray…

Meanwhile Alex and Daniel are sent to Typhoon with Khajida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian. Dan’s all “Kayode who needs him?” about losing their top seller. Sabrina’s elected Project Manager making Sian the sub team leader on services, whilst Sabrina Dan and Alex head off too look at products.

Collaborative choose massage as their service although Jasmine’s concerned it is least expensive, Jackie overrules her. Typhoon choose spray tanning (Khajida “it can’t be that difficult to just spray” (oh oh!) and they decide to focus on “body parts as it will be quicker and make more money”. What could possibly go wrong?

Sabrina does some super sucking up whilst investigating products be it sparkly gym bikinis (“Amayyyyzing!”), bizarre gimpy home saunas that you zip yourself into like a suicidal spy (“I like it!”) or specialist gym torture implements. Unfortunately Alex isn’t quite on the ball, nodding sagely (and blankly) at the gym bikini purveyor’s comment about the high cut leg line making peoples legs look longer, or surreally quizzing Steve the gym equipment guy about whether his equipment is guaranteed or insured whilst Dan pulls “WHAT THE FUCK” faces in the background.

Sarah-Ann’s approach is more akin to Oscar Wilde’s comment about cynics. They don’t even ask what the items do they just talk price, price, price and “how many have you sold!” Unsurprisingly Steve the gym equipment man goes with Sabrina (who bounces around being super excited) and Sarah-Ann is left with the home sauna dungeon thing ((p)Rick tries to bravado up saying “It’s a blessing in disguise” but he’s fooling no-one). Steve does add that he very nearly didn’t choose Collaborative as Alex was a thicky, but Alex says this will inspire him.

Bizarrely the one-armed Kurran is on Collaborative’s massage team. Maybe he’s on hand-job duty? They get taught how to pretend to know what they’re doing whilst slapping people around a bit whilst saying “Ju Ju Ju!”, but Kayode seems to have a natural talent and practically massages Jackie to orgasm. They decide to charge £2 a minute or £3 if you are on a CHAIR. It’s like if Ryanair did massages (except without the racist sat next to you).

Typhoon’s girls stare in horror at the spray tan gun demo, which has various settings. “How do you turn it off?” asks Camilla. “Just press the button”. Sian decides they should do the tans as quickly as possible. Why not just dowse your punters in orange paint? They decide to flog tans at £25 for a top up and £60 for a full tan.

So it’s off to Birmingham and Kayode’s hyped (“Stay busy we get the Lizzy”)., but unimpressed by the gimpy sauna (“I’m naturally more interesting and charismatic than them.. I would have got the best product”). (p)Rick’s looking for angles (“You could sell it as an office and just work in there”).

Sabrina asks Alex to get people using the gym equipment – when he has no idea how to use it. Yeah fuck YOU health and safety! Dan manages a sale straight away whilst Alex stands around looking dopey.

Tom’s really selling the sauna (“this heals muscles.. it’s like a healthy version of steroids”). (p)Rick is just creepy (“You can get in with your makeup on – we can go in there now”, “Hi girls are you on the lookout for something to get warm in?”) or desperate (Sat next to man in sauna “This is where you can talk crap”; man looks at him sadly and nods). “We need to fish for them… but not too fishy” Tom advises before going on to sell lots of saunas and love himself mightily.

Kayode, Jasmine and Jackie get stuck into massages whilst poor Kurran stands around looking like a spare dick with one bandaged bullock. “Almost everyone’s pulling their weight” Jackie says archly.

Camilla has her first tan customer. “Amazing!” she exclaims confronted by a man in pants. She then fails to find the extractor fan whilst her punter frets (“You have done this before? “Don’t worry – I’m a tanning enthusiast”. I like how Karren peers in and backs away with a grimace. “Pop your clothes on” announces Camilla post spray “and we’ll do the payment”. She makes it sound like a brothel. It works as before long Typhoon are churning out muscly oompa loompahs.

The teams are offered a spot on the main stage to drum up business. Collaborative embrace this (especially Kayode who dances up a storm, and Kurran (continuing the brothel theme with the slightly pimpy “You name it we will massage it!”)). The crowd don’t exactly go wild, mind.

Typhoon waste time arguing on who should go with Sian refusing when Sabrina asks as she’s expecting more customers. Rather than throw her weight around (and she has a choice of weights) Sabrina abandons her stall taking Dan and Alex onto stage where she’s bright and enthusiastic; organising a press-up challenge; but totally fails to mention their products and services. The crowd stare, unblinking.

Sabrina decides to swap the sale-less Alex with Khadija prompting Alex to cross his arms and sulk at being expected to sell “female products” on the spray tan stall. He can’t have any gay friends bless him. However Sian then gets obsessed with selling cheapo body sponges and rollers, abandoning the more lucrative spray tan stall.

(p)Rick is phoning John who promised to come back to him and buy a sauna and it’s like listening to a teenage girl being dumped. “It’s Rick… John are you there? You said you’d come back”. Awwww! He’s worried he’s let himself down. As though there was some sort of standard he’s been previously attaining.

In the boardroom, Alex wears glasses to look clever and even they are wonky.

Sarah Ann blames (p)Rick for talking about price to Steve Gym-Man.. until Sugar points out that Steve said it was all her (lying cow).

Kurran insists he tried his absolute best. I wouldn’t admit to that.

Sarah Ann complains that people said they would come back and didn’t. Has she never said the same after helping herself to free food samples at a farmer’s market?

(p)Rick despairs at his lack of sales (“I came close on so many occasions” – yeah to being maced).

Alex is put in his place about the insurance questions (“What’s that got to do with you?!”). He’s still sulking about being swapped with Khajida, insisting “nobody buys anything at the start of the day” (apart from the bloke who bought that gym stuff off Dan whilst he stood around doing nowt).

Anyhow results are in and Typhoon made £1369 on gym equipment and £269.99 on spray tans making £1638.99. However Collaborative made £1389 on saunas (considering Tom sold one for a grand the rest is a bit shit, no?) and £503.50 on massages making £1892.50 so they get to go boxing with David Hay (I have to explain to Mr Funnyfarm that David Hay is a boxer, they’re not just sticking the candidates in a carpark and bribing vagrants to fight them). David Hay points at Kurran, “What’s with the sling?!” “He broke his arm!” laughs Tom. “HAHAHA!”. Kurran looks like a wounded puppy, but realises he’s “dodged a bullet” (by winning or not fighting David Hay I’m unsure).

Sabrina also looks sad and Sugar points out that they had the best product and gym Steve said he sold 10 of his torture devices a day and they sold 2 or something.

It’s back at the Bridge Café and Alex is still griping that he wasn’t there to sell in the golden last hour when everyone decides they want a “rack” or whatever the fuck that thing was. He’s still griping he was a “scapegoat” back in the boardroom.

Sian’s pretty feisty about not having wanted to go on the stage, and Sugar blames Sabrina for missing the opportunity. Sabrina brings back Alex and Sian and wibbles on how she should stay as she’s under 30 as though she’s on Logan’s Run. It all descends into a shouty match, which Alex manages to break by insisting he has a “millionaire mind set” at which Lord Sugar and everyone go “You what?!”

“I will make myself PM!” Alex digs “I am a natural salesman.. I was put in the wrong place at the wrong time… I’d like to talk my way out of this”. Really Lord Sugar has no option but to fire him, it not being considered OK to defenestrate candidates. However he messes with the girls minds saying he’s free to “dispose” of more than one person. Poor Sabrina can only talk in frightened little girl whispers now. Ugh! It’s a relief when he sends them back to the house.

In the taxi of delusion, Alex is like a junior David Moyes: “I AM a great salesman! At 21 it’s a massive achievement to get this far…” (to be fair love, doing up your laces was a massive achievement).

Back at the house, (p)Rick is still brooding. Kurran’s “got a feeling Lord Sugar’s gonna walk through that door and fire me”… Now that would be sort of funny. Instead Sian and Sabrina returns, the latter no longer a lisping victim, but full of business intent (“We need to up our game!”). I think we’ve all seen through her game.

Next week the teams design and sell a shoe range for women – it’s going to kick off…


My Tip to Win: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode, Kurran

Meh: Daniel, Sian, Sabrina, Camilla

Disliking: Tom

Potential for Evil: Sarah Ann, Jackie, Khadija

Utter arsehole: Tom

Prick: (p)Rick

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex





It’s the 4.30am obligatory shot of Alex showing off his skinny torso in pants – only worth mentioning as it’s the most he does all episode. At the creepy House Mill (looks like something out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre) Sugar tasks the teams with making trendy doughnuts to flog to the public as well as a bespoke order to corporate clients (yes we get it, mills make flour etc etc!). They’ve got two days – most profit wins.

It’s time to stir the cesspit and mix the teams with Jackie, Sarah-Ann and Jasmine joining Tom, Frank, Kurran and Rick. They choose Jackie’s team name “Collaborative” (bleugh) and Tom puts himself forward to lead because he deals with corporate clients – nobody argues. Kurran suggests a sweet and savoury option, which Jasmine thinks will appeal to a “high end palate” (because the rest of us plebs can’t even deal with the notion of cheese and cake). Tom annoyingly does everything by committee (“Jackie can do corporate and Jasmine lead the cooking sub-team if that’s er alright with everyone” etc). Karren is disgusted by this demonstration of democracy.

Meanwhile Kayode, Alex and Daniel join Khalida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian. Alex suggests the name “Impotus” which is rejected as it sounds too much like “impotent” so Sabrina’s suggestion of Typhoon wins. High on this success Sabrina wants to lead the team but Camilla trumps her with her nut-milking expertise. Sabrina looks sad. She then suggests making rainbow doughnuts with sparkles and glitter and unicorns, but Camilla lays down the law on a best of British Brexit doughnut range featuring tea and biscuits. Sabrina looks sad again and somewhere a fairy dies. Camilla softens and lets her lead the corporate sub-team with Daniel and er Alex.

Collaborative’s sub-team head to a restaurant called Beach Blanket Babylon or something and Jackie decides to make the doughnuts in the shape of Bs. She schmoozes with the restaurant lady “We are MASSIVE fans of your restaurant – I live near Shoreditch so I’ve been to your new one”. “It’s not new” says the restaurant lady, pointing out it’s been there 10 years (Jackie “REALLY???!”) so she hands over to Kurran who grins and blinks inanely. They offer lots of golden B doughnuts for £5 each but only get an order for 50. Tom somehow manages to talk the price down to £4.65 when nobody was arguing about it cos he likes the sound of his voice. Kurran’s not convinced B shaped doughnuts are possible, but Jackie’s insistent.

Back in the kitchen Frank gets to test a hot sauce doughnut and nearly dies. Rick suggests it might not be for everyone but Jasmine’s insistent that chocolate and chilli is a thing (it is but not with fricking Sriracha! I do like Frank’s suggestion of calling it “fire in the hole”). She also comes up with peanut butter, salted pretzel and sweet popcorn flavour – which I would bloody well eat.

Sabrina’s subteam head to “Bread Ahead” “high end bakers” where they also manage to over-promise – offering to incorporate the baker’s coffee brand into their espresso martini doughnuts. Bread Ahead get a bit bread-heady by quibbling about the prices if they’re contributing a few poxy coffee beans and Sabrina offers them 110 doughnuts for the price of 100 (about £40s worth free then).

Everyone orders their ingredients and get up at 2am to discover that doughnuts are a bit of a bastard to make (you have to prove them for 45minutes and can only fry 6 at a time). Frank’s not sure if he should be focusing on Bs or rings (fnar!) and Tom’s pretty useless at leading (“Does anyone have any input or shall I make a decision?”). Jasmine offers to help Frank out and he’s a bit sulky (“Just let me do it!”) so Tom accuses him of getting emotional and sensibly sends him to fry – yes send the person you think is unstable to deal with the boiling hot oil – that’ll sort it!

Camilla gets everyone into a mass production line – Kayode’s supposed to keep track of products whilst Sabrina works on timings, but she elects herself head of quality control and does everyone’s nut in. “Are you confident with how that looks?” she asks, to Camilla’s impatience (“Just put them in!”). Sabrina has a point – the “design area” looks like an explosion at a sperm bank. The bespoke doughnuts are random iced shapes with a chocolate cigar precariously balanced atop. “They’re artisan!” insists Sarah Ann when Sabrina tries to intervene. Next Camilla supervises topping the Brexit doughnuts. The jam roly poly looks like something you’d find in an abattoir. So Camilla has them sticking jammy dodgers atop. The others are sprinkled with earl grey tea (actual fucking tea! And they consider using the bag! Arggh!) and garnished with custard creams. Claude’s face is a picture. Sorry but trying to beautify these sloppy atrocities is akin to trying to crystal-heal an axe-wound.


“Hi! I’d like another meat dress – and this time stick some jammy dodgers on it!”


Sabrina tries to complain to the boys that nobody listened to her and they all laugh. She’s the Cassandra of the series.

Somehow Frank’s team are getting Bs. Well sort of. Jasmine’s concerned that 50 of them has taken nearly three hours. Somehow she manages to turn around the production line when the corporate team have left with their order – and they make 200 in an hour.

Bread Ahead are unconvinced by the espresso doughnuts. “There’s artisan and made in my kitchen at home” says the blokey baker (he’s being generous), “Did you forget to ice that one?”. Sabrina blethers that they didn’t want to over-ice and he sneers in her face pointing out “inconsistencies”. Daniel comes back with “the inconsistencies are generally consistent” (quote of the series to date for me). Somehow they don’t get thrown into the street and get given £280 for the lot rather than the expected £400. Jammy bastards. Camilla is “disappointed”.

Restaurant lady points out that some of the Bs look more like 8s and that they taste of salt. She agrees to hand pick 17 to poison her customers with paying only £77. Tom looks crestfallen. Jasmine looks even sadder when she hears she’s wasted so much time for that.

So it’s time to sell to the public – and Camilla takes Typhoon to Waterloo to sell Brexit doughnuts for £4.50 each. Excuse me while I laugh out loud again. I like the lady who says they look funny and the other lady (who looks like she might like cakes) who just sadly looks at them and says “sorry”. Sabrina comes up with the brainwave of offering tasters in offices and manages to sell a bunch like this.

Team Collaborative have failed to collaborate  on pricing – they’re all over the place. Tom tries selling (untested) at an office only for the poor woman to spit out her chilli chocolate doughnut into a bin. I love her beardy colleague who upon discovering the contents bellows “YOU PUT HOT SAUCE IN A DOUGHNUT???!!” (you can almost hear the unspoken “FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST – WHY???!”). Tom mentally notes to blame Jasmine before they beat a hasty retreat to the next location.

Frank wants to go to Canary Wharf as he’s been there once. Jasmine thinks it’s too far away (so they might miss peak time) and takes them to Shepherd’s Bush Green instead. Unfortunately it’s empty and Rick scares potential customers away with passive aggression (“Come and have a look at my doughnuts – don’t walk away from me!”).

Kayode is a freaking revelation as a salesman of the world’s shittest looking doughnuts (“It’s not about the looks it’s the taste!”). He’s everyone’s mate, sprechen sie deutsching to German blokes and flirting with ladies (“There’s three doughnuts left and guess how many of you there are? You win the maths quiz!”). Something odd happens to Claude’s mouth as he watches Kayode in action – it’s a smile. Awww!

Back in the boardroom and Kurran’s in plaster having fractured his arm (“we were having a sort of arm wrestling”). Sugar’s joke writers have hit jackpot.” I thought actors were supposed to break a leg.. still you finally got into a cast.. I hear you appeared in Casualty!” and everyone else laughs like rabid hyenas as Kurran looks sheepish and pained.

Collaborative get shit for their shit name, flavours and schmoozing fail. Karren as usual is an utter bitch – outing Frank for getting emotional (“No I wasn’t upset I was er hot frying”).

It’s Typhoon’s turn and Sabrina nobly points out how she was definitely going to lead but she decided to give Camilla the opportunity by voting for her. She’s not all there is she? Having witnessed the doughnuts (Daniel – almost proudly –  “As you can see they’re quite terrible.”), Sugar turns to Alex. “Was you on this team?” “Yes” says Alex. “Good” says Sugar. I chuckled.

After all the spend, Collaborative only made £68 profit whereas Typhoon were slightly less rubbish and made £221 (Amazingly!). So they are sent to an ice rink (cos it sounds a bit like “iced ring” geddit?) whereas Collaborative go to blame Jasmine in café doom.

Back in the boardroom and Tom hedges his bets by also calling Frank “emotional”. “Was that the chilli making you cry?” Sugar asks, ever sympathetic. “NOOOO!” says poor Frank, who looks traumatised. Tom presents himself as the hero of the piece (“I leapt in and found solutions”). To think I was blinded by his tree surgery stuff enough to like him. He’s an utter tool. Tom brings back Jasmine and Frank (who he says contributed last and didn’t stay level headed). Ooooh! He accuses Frank of “losing it” and Frank admits he “may have snapped standing in front of four fryers” (Tom: “You had to turn doughnuts Frank”). “I’m a passionate person! Sorry!” wails poor Frank.

Sugar asks Tom about his inability to make decisions and Jasmine leaps in calling him a Co-ordinator without a backbone. When Tom tries to interject Sugar tells him to be quiet. Muwahahah!

Tom has a pop at the chilli doughnuts. “Why didn’t you taste them?” asks Jasmine. “I did!” Tom exclaims, falling right into her trap. “Well why didn’t you say anything”. Go Jasmine!

Sugar attempts unsuccessfully to inject tension (“Tom this task was not meant for you”, Tom: “Can I talk?”, Sugar “No!”) but to nobody’s surprise ever he fires Frank as there’s clearly NO ROOM FOR EMOTION IN BUSINESS! And lots of room for twats.

Tom (“You don’t know what you’re bladdy well doing”) and Jasmine (“no more mistakes!”) have their cards marked though.

Tom doesn’t even give Frank a hug when he leaves (I know that could be the edit but Tom is now dead to me). In the taxi to FAILSVILLE Frank is “devastated” but claims feistily that “Tom failed cos of piss poor leadership”.

Next week the teams sell bodybuilding stuff. And bitch at each other. Wooh.

Starting to love a bit: Kayode

Liking:, Jasmine, Sabrina, Kurran

Meh: Daniel, Sian

What does he do?: Alex

Potential for Evil: Sarah Ann, Jackie, (p)Rick, Khadija

Twisted Evil Genius: Camilla (just for putting biscuits on doughnuts)

Utter arsehole: Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank





Are we all thoroughly uninspired? Well you will be!

The teams have to make comics for 8-12 year olds complete with a central character and branding. There may be something about it being educational ( oh why?!!) but I miss it.

For the boys (they seem to have give up on team names – maybe we should give them one – er.. PERSPIRE?) Frank puts his marketing hat in the ring. David reveals that he is a secret story writer as well as a tax collecter (which makes me like him), but Frank’s all “Let’s just stop messing arnd and let ME lead the team – we need a good concept…”. (ARGGHH!)

Over on the girl’s unnamed team (FERMINATE?) Khadija, being the physical embodiment of MumsNet)  reveals she has children – but as they’re younger than the remit and “creativity is not my thing” she bows out – until everyone else says they’d rather lead a sub team at which point she wearily offers to lead and everyone says “YAY!”. The fools! Immediately the self confessed non-creative Khadija insists that she wants an educational product to help kids learn languages and ignores the mass of complaints.

David still wants a comic that will teach kids about the world, but Rick points out he used read comics to get away from that (My other half firmly agrees).

Anyhow David’s “story writing” skills get him to lead a subteam of Rick, Kayode and Alex.

For the other subteam it’s off to a poncy Londan studio where Frank’s subteam brainstorm names. I can’t believe Cosmic Ken, Claude (Littner snarls at this) and “Ben and Beyond” are all discarded in favour of Frank’s frankly fragile “Benji” (all the non-marketing men hate this quite rightly). Frank then dons a blonde wig to prance about (ripping his trousers) and it’s all a bit Carry On. He phones his creative team with the good news. “WHAT A CRAP NAME” yells Kayode. The most sensible thing he’s ever said.

Khadija meanwhile has gone gender neutral and (rather than think about an animal or a robot) Camilla suggests “Randy the rapper”. Sarah trumps this with “MC GoGo”.  They all get a bit obsessed about balls. The irony. Khadija decides that her character will find balls and then use a French phrase (“Where is the piscine”) and it’s all dreadful like she’s trying to recreate a 1st Year French book for one generation of kids to draw cocks on.

At least the boys eventually consult kids – who lie and say their idea is good rather than going “Blah blah blah”. It’s Story time and David travels to a planet saves the day  and returns home (classic narrative). Nobody’s impressed as they’re all working out how to spell “Woahh” (I think). I warm to David despite his Michael Gove look as his ideas remind me of Calvin and Hobbes.



Talking of spellings, the girls have screwed most of theirs, both French and English, in their educational text, but Khadija reckons it’s all OK as they have a picture of a croissant. “It doesn’t say ‘croissant’ anywhere” points out Sarah.

Next step is “augmented reality” i.e Voiceovers. Kurran uses all his extra skills to do a voice for the boys (“I can go anywhere with my magic telescope!”)

The girls do a rap with MC Jackie “Paris is super cool.. see what I see.. I’m looking for an adventure..C’est le vie”. Sabrina, who actually knows French points out some mistakes in the comic, but Khadija scares her into keeping schtum.

So it’s pitch time, and Frank moves Dan and Kayode onto the research subteam, pissing off “If I’m not leading a pitch we won’t get orders”.

Still the first pitchees laugh at the girls for a concept that’s too infantile when they pitch to magazines. Khadija tries to rescue it by patronising poor kids: “Some of these children night have only been in caravan holidays in the UK” (in which case they’d be better off learning the French for an eighth).

Anyhow it’s Market Research time and the boys talk to kids who want Benji to be more fighty and wear a cape. I am a child.

Rick does a VERY BLAND PITCH sidelining David. Frank calls back from his Market Research with children saying the kids wanted more diversity (“a female character and … er… people with disabilities” (blimey cool kidsa). Frank pitches next and when he flails David takes over and adds a bit about being more diverse and what they would do to address this. Everyone immediately has a go at him because they’re massive nobheads. Kurran and Kayode do no better mind and both die on their arses.

Khadija pitches to the online team and her shit French is called out, but she won’t back down. Unable to sit back going “Muwaahahah!”,  Jackie finally pipes up and asks to pitch, “I can do better than most people”. She goes epic for the high street pitch “Stories could be set in the other 26 countries you operate in”. Cue all the girls panicking that Jackie’s blown  it by going too OTT.

It’s Boardroom time and Sugar pleasingly compares Khadija’s management style to Kim Jong Un and calls her “Mrs Putin” (this sounds way too affectionate), but most of the team sort of back her, because they are terrified. Only Sabrina dares to challenge her. “Does anyone else feel that way?” threatens Khadija. Even the tumbleweed shuts up.

Frank disses David, whilst Daniel sucks up to his teamleader (“I enjoyed bringing Benji to life”). Apparently Frank “didn’t want to be dictorial” (no typo – he says that, it makes me laugh). Kayode has the arse on for not pitching first and Frank is all “I went and saved the best till last”.

Everyone has another pop at David for trying to turn clear negatives around.

Anyhow the boys got the following orders:

Magazine £3750 Online £750………High Street – 0!!!!

The girls did as follows:

Magazine £750  Online – £200…..High Street (Jackie’s OTT order remember) – £10,000

On the incomprehensible team treat, Khadija manages to make me dislike her more: “Kim Jong Un??? I have no idea who he is… he must be powerful to have done something right?”

Anyhow back in the boardroom and everyone realises the weakest link is David, who looks like an almost acceptable Michael Gove and has commited the mortal sin of admitting to being creative in his spare time. So he gets the blame for the story he let Kayode browbeat him into writing. “The narrative was terrible!” insists Daniel, which must be the first and last time he ever used that sentence. “I would have done better!” Kayode insists and it turns out David got more sales than him as he got sweet fuck all.

Anyhow Frank, being a bit impressionable brings back David and Kurran  (the least awful people). You can sense Sugar playing with David and Kurran for daring to dream, and, even though Sugar admits Frank was “diabolical”, it’s poor David who goes for a “rubbish story” because creative narrative for children is a big thing in Sugar Towers.

Anyhow next week it’s DONUTS. And more FIGHTS!

Liking: Tom, Jasmine, Sabrina Camilla

Evil But Brilliant: Jackie

Meh: Alex, Daniel, Sian

Fricking Rubbish: Frank, Kurran

Potential for Evil: Sarah Ann,  (p)Rick

Utter arsehole: Khadija

Potential for Delusion: Kayode

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed)





What better way to round off the Tory Party Conference than strapping yourselves in to watch a bunch of mouth-breathing corporate bell-ends turn everything they touch into steaming jobbies as they compete for 50% of shares in Amstrad MegaTwat Ltd as well as a sinister sounding “no strings attached” £250k. Sugar declares the rules of the game (“Make me money and don’t piss me off”) and unleashes his business rottweilers Karren Brady and Claude “NO MORE MR NICE GUY” Littner before picking on some of the assembled hopefuls.

Estate agent and “nut enthusiast” Camilla Ainsworth seems to be this season’s Hopkins lite Nazi posh girl. Amusingly she owns a nut milk business. This is not a euphemism.

Rick Monk is a Quality Controller from Lancashire who shoots guns (“legally” he points out helpfully”. “I fire things” Sugar wisecracks. Unfortunately not his jokewriters.

Floppy haired charmer and unemployed film extra Kurran Pooni wants to be the first ever actor of Indian descent to get an Oscar. Nobody tell him about Ben Kingsley. I warm to his bio where he states “to be honest I don’t eat, sleep, breathe business” but all the kudos from me evaporate when he adds “but I do eat sleep and breathe success” which sends him screaming back into the wanker file.

Sabrina Stocker sounds like a shit Bond girl. She owns a tennis events company and describes herself as “Willy Wonka drinking an espresso martini”. So an alcoholic weirdo. She perkily (or pervily) offers Claude and Sugar a game of mixed doubles. It just sounds wrong.

Kayode Damali is a “professional speaker” inspiring young people around the country with the knowledge that they too could blag a job based around an ordinary human function. If “Professional pooer” had been on the cards when the careers adviser came round maybe I could be living the dream right now. He describes his tongue as “a lethal weapon”. “What do you do? Lick people to death?” Sugar growls. “It depends on the context”. This show is filthier than Bake Off so far. Kayode adds that he doesn’t “just grab the bull by the horns. I put it in a headlock and squeeze every bit of business out”. Stop it!

Sarah Byrne has done something weird to her bottom lip. She runs a children’s acting academy and enjoys having “children all under my control”. “I do talk a lot” she witters. Hmm bit of a “character”. She’s also got a chip on her shoulder that could soak up an ocean of vinegar. “People think just cos I’ve got a Northern accent I’m a pushover – if you don’t like me then sling yer ‘ook”.

Sugar introduces the 1st task as something that’s “never been done before in week 1”  – sadly it’s not a battle royale, but a trip to Malta (Sugar “Enjoy while we’re still welcome”) to do a treasure hunt for 9 items allegedly celebrating Valetta being the European capital of culture. The task will requite logistics, negotiation and initiative with the team spending least on all the items winning. “This is no holiday” Sugar points out.

The teams mingle and make faces at each other in the cars, whilst the girls try to figure out where Malta in. Sabrina thinks it’s an island. Phew.

Rick thinks the girls will lose because they’re “gonna be fashion conscious and go ‘oh my make up’s running’”. I’m calling him (p)(p)Rick from now on.

Jackie Fast is a yank with a name that sounds like a Martin Amis anti-heroine. “I’m completely ruthless” she simpers. Actually she’s not kidding as she lobs Jasmine Kundra the team leader grenade straight off and will brook no argument (“let’s not waste time”). Sian Gabbidon’s not impressed (“Jackie threw Jasmine under the bus”).

There’s no such shenanigans with the boys as Kayode who shows almost Shakespearean delusional promise nominates himself as the best team leader evah. Alex Finn looks a bit askance. Why does nobody notice his tall haired, trendy spectacles wearing potential? Er probably because he does sod all.

So the items they’re searching for are:

A Maltese house with coloured doors
Special salt from the nearby island of Gozo (it can go on Sarah’s shoulder chip)
A cloak
Bamboo curtain things
A “Filigri Boat”
An Octopus with a 40 inch hose. (Frank Brooks, a man with stupid hair who describes himself as “brutal” in his bio and is therefore a nob, decides that the octopus’s hose can be stretched out, and given the final item is a “Fisherman’s trap” the boys are all determined to find themselves a Maltese fisherman. (Unfortunately it transpires the octopus is really a bit of scuba gear. Oops).

Jasmine wants to get the ferry to Gozo, but angry woman Khadija Kalifa (who describes herself as a “serious Mumpreneur”. Ugh) gets all shouty about this and the girls descend into catfighting almost immediately. This must be a series record. Sian is made subteam leader and sent off to market with Khadija and Sabrina so Jasmine can try and get some peace.

The boys cleverly phone tourist information for answers. (p)Rick takes out his subteam (Frank, Daniel Elahi (who in his bio likens himself to the main character in the Wolf of Wall Street. Oh dear) and Kurran) to check out the markets and hilariously mispronounce all the items they need whilst Kayode decides to take the rest to a ghost town, having failed to discover that most of Malta sensibly takes a massive siesta.

Back at hotel girls Jasmine’s mob are still arguing about going to Gozo in search of salt, wine and honey. Sarah Ann Magson (who looks like she wants to skin Dalmatians in her profile pic) is another Northerner who suggests sensibly that they should ring places on the map to visit. They all ignore her. Probably cos she’s Northern eh?

The other Sarah is at the market confusing the locals looking for a boat. “AH SAID A BOWT. WOT YOU SAIL…” she sees their blank faces and changes tack “WE NEED HONEYCOMB…YUM YUM YUM”. Locals stare in incomprehension wondering where this avant garde street theatre is going.

Kayode strides into an antiques store. Tom Bunday, a square looking tree surgeon tries to find a Filigri boat, but there are none with the requisite nine sails. They leave the shop disconsolately. (p)Rick phones to inform them that the Ornella Cloak is very rare and probably only to be found in an antiques store. Could it be that thing we were shown hanging near to the substandard boats. Well surprise surprise it was. Karren gripes that the boys wasted whole seconds leaving and re-entering the shop, but the deal’s done.

The boys ask for an octopus in a diving shop but are sent to a fish shop. Oh oh. “Let’s not go in looking like a group of idiots” (p)Rick briefs them. They go in. “Hi” starts (p)Rick” can I have an octopus with a 40 inch hose?” He confronts the lady fishmonger “Have you heard terminology a hose?” She stares at him probably thinking “yeah you’re one mate”. He then demands a tape measure and they measure the hapless beast’s legs find it’s roughly 40 inches and buy it. Good thing they didn’t make idiots of themselves eh?

Jasmine’s subteam reach the port where she hits them with “can I just say we need to figure out how were gonna get on the ferry”. It’s all about the planning.

Sian’s team move onto the shops. “We need to make sure they like you if you haggle” shouts Khadija who starts trying to negotiate the purchase of a boat. It’s 110 Euros. Sarah jumps in “Can we go to 90 …can I just say 75” (Amazing haggling there Sarah). Somehow she gets away with it as the shopkeeper is a creep “OK -for pretty girls”. Catfight number two ensues outside with Khadija insisting “I would have gone lower” and Sarah accusing her of backstabbing”.

Kayode’s team realise their mistake. “We need to be in a place where its open for business – its not here” points out David Alden, who looks like a tax adviser. Oh he is one. Apparently he has a tendency to be too trusting. Amazon would love him. Kayode’s team abort their mission. Meanwhile, on a tip off from a fish trap salesman, (p)Rick drags his team to the ghost town for bamboo blinds. But what’s this, Kayode spots two curtain shops on the way out of town and manage to pick one up before zooming off to civilisation. (p)Rick finally decides to call Kayode and tell him of his ace plan when they’re parked outside the very same shop. “We already got it” Kayode informs him. (p)Rick whinges on that he’s wasted lots of time as Kayode didn’t tell him. No (p)Rick, you’ve wasted loads of times because you’re an idiot. It’s all a bit Monty Python.

On Gozo – Camilla gushes about the salt (“It’s so white and clean” – yeah – it’s salt). They then realise that they’ve gone to the WRONG ISLAND for the honey. Whoops. Jackie rolls her eyes and tuts as Jasmine decides to risk staying on Gozo and trying to find more tut.

In more hilariously farcical miscommunications, Khadija literally gets a man to take down his own blind for 50 euros, whilst Sian tries to point out it’s not on their list. Over on Gozo we see Jasmine buy a blind for one Euro from an old man whose clearly given up on his blind business. She phones Sian and another bitchscrap ensues.

Alex shows his negotiation skills by only buying two bottles of wine (rather than the 6 needed) and arguing them down manfully from 59 Euros to 58.99. Literally everyone says “FFS!” even the shopkeepers.

Finally back on Malta, Jasmine has gone full on honey monster and is determined to get this honey despite risking being late and Jackie moaning about the honey-maker giving “terrible directions”.

Sian’s team waits anxiously at the airport watching the boys reunite for a group hug and missing several planes. But Jasmine gets her honey so she’s chilled.

“We couldn’t have done anything more” Sarah sighs. Apart from getting all the items, communicating and turning up on time. Jackie twists the knife “If I was in charge wouldn’t have chosen to go to Gozo”  –  yes but you weren’t in charge for some strange reason were you?

Next morning it’s boardroom time. Jasmine gets stick for going to Gozo, although Sugar points out they could have picked up four items there. Sarah’s outted for hijacking Khadija’s negotiation (“Was that me?”). Sugar crowbars a “blind leading the blind” gag.

Kayode’s in full on business bullshit mode trying to take credit for calling the tourist info bods until Karren points out that was Tom’s idea.

Sugar asks if they confirmed what an octopus was – revealing “it was diving equipment and you bought a real live octopus”. Daniel points out helpfully “it was dead”.

Kayode explains the “serendipity” in finding the cloak until Karren calls him out on not asking for it in the shop. “It was so dusty it was probably in the basement” he blethers. “No it was right there” Karren says. “I didn’t go in first so didn’t see it” he flails. “Stop making excuses” snaps Sugar.

Kayode explains he didn’t go to Gozo for the Gozo salt as he thought he could source it locally “in an off license”. He is not of this world is he? Karren pulls him up on this and he rejoins “I dunno I’ve never been to Malta!”  Please keep him in for the interviews!

Anyhow the boys brought 7 items for 128 Euros – but as the octopus was wrong and they only bought 2 bottles of wine they’re fined shit loads. The resulting spend is 764 Euros.

The girls also got 7 items, spending 191 Euros As the honey was bought after the deadline and they got two blinds and turned up late they’re even more leaving a total of  929 Euros. Kayode has the nerve to fist pump (“That’s what I’m talking about!”) until Sugar points out “this aint no great win”.

For winning, as (p)Rick points out “by default”, they get to eat a Maltese feast in the house. (Kayode “I’m more hungry than Budapest!” er what?)

The girls get more time to argue in the new corrugated café Doom, with Jasmine calling out Jackie for nominating her as PM and then just undermining her and Jackie going all hacky (“I’m pissed off as it’s clear who’s responsible”). Sarah has a pop “Why didn’t you as the Projac.. I mean project manager do something” and Jasmine describes her as a “horse who can’t be held back”. Sarah goes all CLASS WAR (“Oooh sorry I’m not middle class and posh”). I think the chip needs ketchup.

Back in the boardroom Jasmine takes the rap for being late. Camilla tries to take credit for arguing against going to Gozo and for making sure they got enough salt (“I’m grateful at that point you were paying attention Camilla!”). Jackie claims nobody was given any jobs or role responsibilities and Jasmine describes her as “the opinionator”. Jackie gives her snarling evils. Jasmine brings Jackie and Sarah back.

Claude finds Jackie “manipulative”. She’ll go far.

Back in and Sarah admits she “became disruptive at one point” (cough) “but it was just a disagreement and will never happen again”. Jasmine asks why Sarah rowed with her in Café Doom and Sarah doesn’t deny it, thus rendering her previous statement bollocks. “You seem to think you’re better than me!” she gripes. Anyhow Sugar fires her, and she fortunately doesn’t immediately shout “IT’S COS AHM WORKING CLASS ISN’T IT?” She’s upbeat in the Taxi of Despair and vows to “strive for success”.

Jackie’s card is well and truly marked. For playing the game.

Back at the house, Daniel’s decided he would fire all three for being hopeless.

Khadija is in proper hard-faced mode “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.. so we’re about to reunite and kick your arses”.

Next week they design a comic.

Liking: Tom, Kurran, Sian

Meh: Alex, Daniel, Camilla, Sabrina, David, Jasmine, Frank

Potential for Evil: Jackie, Sarah Ann, Khadija

Potential for Delusion: Kayode,(p)Rick

Bye Bye: Sarah





It’s the final! Hidden away on a bloody Sunday again to alienate the remaining audience.

Our finalists are summoned to the Sky Garden. James has “come here to win this” and therefore wears a Donald Trump red tie.

The task is to grow their business and they have to pick teams from departed candidates, school PE style.

James takes the piss by picking Charles first followed by  Joanna, Anisa . And Elizabeth.  Erm.Sarah takes Michaela, Harrison and Andrew. And ends up with Siobhan as nobody else wanted her.

James wants to expand IT recruitment. Branding is key. Charles suggests ConnectIT. But James points out “if you look at that written out you get TIT”.

Sarah hands out her sweeties and asks for possible names. Harrison’s on it “How about your surname in it like Lynn’s sweets”. Funnily enough Michaela is asked to lead the advertising team, with Siobhan and Andrew in support and the message she doesn’t want “tacky”. It doesn’t take long for Andrew’s lack of a shit to wind Michaela up. For the video Siobhan suggests Andrew is her boyfriend (“And sweet on me” hurr hurr). Andrew immediately takes himself out of the picture.

James confesses he hates branding and he wants Jo (who says she’s not best at coming up with names) to help him. He sends Liz to lead the subteam with the instruction that she listen to them. Poor Liz really needs to lay the law down and doesn’t as Charles rides about on a mini bike and Anisa insists Liz “lighten up”.  Liz is doing her full on Dennis Waterman impression (“I wanna write the song, sing the song” etc) and phones James up to suggest “First Tier Recuitment”. He and Jo change it to “1st Tier Talent”. Meanwhile Liz is bossing everything to do with the billboard whilst Anisa looks sad. For godsake speak up.

Sarah somehow ends up choosing Sarah’s Chic Sweets, but confesses she would have liked more time to think about it. Because it’s only a business she’s been running for 7 years or something.

Michaela struggles to get a shit billboard together whilst Andrew and Siobhan piss about. Sarah’s not happy – she wanted “glam and sophisticated” she got “ravings of demented clown”.  She swops Andrew for Harrison.

James decides in his video Charles will win a race against the girls, due to his IT skills. It’s all a bit dodgy. They manage to lose the storyboard and have to make the voiceover up… sure it will be ok, won’t it?

Sarah puts together a nice sweet box as a card and reveals she has changed the name again, going just for Chic Sweets as she wants a more global and stylish image. Has anyone told her that they are just sweets? Plus aren’t the logos and billboards done? Oh the video’s getting done now and Siobhan is losing the plot trying to simply open the door and receive her sweets. Is she on crack? “It’s doing me head in” moans Michaela. Then Sarah changes again and goes for “Sweet Eaze” which sounds a bit medical to me.

There’s a hoky bit where previous winners pretend they are not now dead eyed wage hostages and talk about their dreams. Ricky Martin (square headed recruitment guy – not the other one) recommends James focus on “cyber security”. Sarah meets flaky Cake maker Alana (in a really grotty kitchen) and she’s like “just go for it babes”. This might have been useful earlier.

It’s last minute market research time. Everyone wonders why Charles is wearing a lobster suit in one bit and  Liz pipes up that lobsters mating for life a bit like IT recruitment companies do. None of Joe Public get the brand.

There’s mixed reaction to Sweet Eaze but Harrison doesn’t want to trouble Sarah with that. “She said she wanted all the feedback” Siobhan points out. “How was it?” asks Sarah “All really good and positive” Harrison responds. No negatives. Oops.

Experts from the worlds of confectionary and recruitment mingle in a once in a lifetime event. Sarah pitches first and she looks dead proud when her video plays bless her. She’s also a bit of a Search Engine Optimisation expert (and you thought she was DULL) and wows the experts with the fact nobody is top of the search rankings for “sweets for dad and mum”. Erm how are they rankings then?

Still James’s pitch is an utter carcrash of bullshit. He’s totally made up the cyber security theme and even mentions the lobsters mating for life in a surreal moment. He huurr hurrs loudly and nervously over the video and generally dies on his arse.  So sensible Sarah versus Snake Oil James. Should be easy huh?

Back in the Board Room I love how Andrew gives not one fuck about anything. All the old contestants are sent away whilst Sugar prepares for a “Deep Dive discussion” with the remaining two. I wonder if it will include lobsters mating habits.

It’s pointed out that “First tier” sounds like entry level and James is a “Small time Charlie” but James still thinks he’s “charismatic and endearing”. Sarah points out she’s actually run a business and dealt with VAT. Fascinating.

Sugar reckons he has a “dilemma” – really? – and decides to jump the shark and go into business with both of them. It’s a proper anticlimax and no mistake.


Winners: Sarah and James (and BBC for getting me to bother watching)


BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne, Sajan, Andrew, Anisa, Charles,  Bushra, Harrison, Jade, Joanna, Elizabeth, Michaela, any semblance of credibility

Week 10 and I come in 30 minutes late thanks to a meeting that made Claude Littner look like a fabric conditioned kitten. I don’t have the time or energy to recap so will link you to the rather sweary blog my better half has assembled. Here.

Opposite Experience to my evening before the Apprentice.

The interviewers are comprised of reliable rottweiler with a heart (human, ripped out) Claude Littner, faux dour Scot Mike Soutar, saucy media bitch Claudine Collins and melted plastic evil effigy Linda Plant.

Mike confronts Jo on her temperament and she’s pretty much contrite with him and every other interviewer. Bless her she shouldn’t have to apologise.  However when she explains her ethical business (giving share of profits from selling business wear to third world women to buy suitable clothes to get ahead in the workplace) he gives her brownie points and she skips away relatively unscathed.

She doesn’t get away so lightly with Claudine who confrontationally challenges her “HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CONFRONTATION?” before adding “You’ve argued with some of your team members”. She basically reduces Jo to tears before saying “Don’t get upset – why are you getting upset?” in the least concerned way possible. “I got it wrong at first but I’ve tried so hard and I’ve never been able to shake this perception of me” blubs poor Jo. Bless her! Claudine appears to show some empathy “Do you think you can rein it in?” “ Yes 100% I know I’m outspoken but it’s been my biggest battle to show people how I really am”. Claudine gives a wise look, but you just know she’s going to dob in Jo for crying. Like a massive twat would do.

Linda tells Sarah her sweetie gift set website is shit. Sarah explains she wants to change her business with the platform. “What have you been doing?” barks Linda. She has a point, Sarah’s been in the same business for over 7 years. She could have paid somebody’s child to set up a better website.

I love Liz in the lift, like a big mad Ripley from Alien “God it’s Claude – come on you got this!” Lucky lucky lucky lucky!

Back in the waiting room James smugs “He’s gonna ruin her!” “Yeah” agrees Michaela eagerly.

Claude starts and you know it can only go downhill: “I have to say you have a terrific work ethic, a “can do” attitude, you’ve been memorable but…” (and it’s a big BUT) “You are impossible to work with and so overbearingly bossy it’s been traumatic to watch you taking over any task”.

Liz nods sagely “I understand what you’re saying… it COULD be one of my weaknesses”.

Claude thinks Liz’s three florist shops barely make a profit, but Liz is keen to expand into the corporate gift sector. Claude wonders if she can, she thinks she can, he says “the numbers say different… bye!”. Unfortunately her foot goes to sleep on the way out which she of course reports out loud with a Liz twinkle. Claude winces (and tries NOT to smile).

James is greeted by Linda “In 18 months you’ll be turning over 3million is that FANTASY LAND?” who talks over his every attempt to respond and points out that all his achievements have been “under the umbrella of a multinational company”.

Actually she raises something that troubles me, as James was proud enough to say is his application that he “got his old boss demoted” which seems somewhat twatty (I guess he is young – but still!). He argues that’s not the case, but then it turns out he got fired for meeting with other investors on the side (he argues “they wanted to get rid of me it wasn’t just that” which I’m not sure is the best argument). James feels these episodes added to his character. Linda points out “It more puts a shadow over your trustworthiness”.

He limps back to the Waiting Room where Michaela spots his puffy eyes “Are you crying?” “ I just got like bloodshot eyes”. Good old Liz doesn’t ask any questions and gives him a hug. “Let’s get out of here” insists James.

Next day in the cab Michaela confides the process “near killed me” and regrets she can’t get “Lord Sugar in a headlock… can I?”.

Firstly the evil interviewers spill the beans on Jo. Claude’s worried about her lack of experience. Claudine points out she’s young but then dobs her in for crying and laughs that Jo “didn’t accept she is argumentative and thinks she is wrongly labelled”. Perhaps Ms Sneery as a young black woman she’s as mardy as most of the people in the process but in the past has had to face some repetitive attitudes and has a point? At least Mike sticks up for the ethical part of her business plan.

Liz gets the treatment next as Mike thinks she doesn’t have a USP as there are online flower delivery services that businesses use. He likes how she says what’s on her mind although it’s “sometimes a bit fighty”. Claude loves her work ethic but think she’s not corporate enough. This sums up part of why I love her.

James is a “young man in a hurry” according to Claude. Mike thinks “his ambition leads him to rooky errors” such as saying on his website he had a certain accreditation that he doesn’t actually have. So lying basically. Rooky errors my arse! Claudine found James “very charming” and if he wins he will be despatched to her dungeon.

Sarah gets stick for being unoriginal and not having sorted her website out since 2009. Claude sees her as “honest and credible”. Which I hope he means as a good thing.

Claudine is confused by Michaela saying she lacks confidence and not making eye contact whilst having run shit loads of businesses. That’s cos it’s bollocks. Claude quotes Michaela as having “built from nothing to 3m, but doesn’t know how to build to 30m”. Mike points out she can’t remember how many businesses she’s launched in the last 7 years, and given her idea is to have a Planning Database for contractors (the local council should be putting that online mate) he doesn’t know how it would compete against more respected databases. He adds “she is a natural entrepreneur and you shouldn’t underestimate her”.

They’re dismissed and the candidates come in for slaps on the back and in the face as they’re honed down to two for the final.

Sarah gets stick from Karren for being “Calm but cautious”. Sugar’s shit gag is she’s like “a bubble gum that lost its flavour”. “Oh that is SO frustrating to hear” interjects Sarah mildly because she must have better gum jokes.

Sugar accuses Jo of having no fashion experience. She appears to be wearing clothes that look er fashionable but whatever. She’s got lots of experience in optimising marketing websites though. Or do transferable skills no long exist unless it’s from barrow boy to scraping the barrel? Actually I’m surprising myself by getting so angry on Jo’s behalf but I’ve warmed to how hard she has been prepared to work. Sugar asks her lots of questions about quantities and returns and she has actually researched reasonable outsourcing companies. I am impressed. Sugar ain’t. It’s Claude’s go next and he describes the women’s fashion industry as a minefield. Jo points out there would be no business if that attitude was prevalent. It doesn’t work. Sugar almost pats her on the head telling her to “Go get a job in that industry and then build your business”. Yes because Jo wants to be an UNPAID INTERN as that’s all she’d be likely to get with her experience. He fires her – regretfully. Tit. I hope she starts up a fashion blog with a fundme site and goes from strength to strength with her idea. I wish there was a similar thing for school uniforms funding uniforms in poorer countries.

“Don’t give up your dream” Sugar calls sadly after Jo. Even though he crushed it

Liz admits she’s learned a lot and Karren is a proper snidy cow (“I’m SURE you have.. I’m pleased for you”). She deals with questions about scaling reasonably well.

Michaela is asked why people would use her database and admits she’d be targeting small companies as a cheaper option. Oops. Karren asks “Are you a serial entrepreneur or bored easily?” Michaela says she don’t know what an “entrepreneur” is. It’s someone in between hairdos love. Like from when this was filmed and “You’re Fired” was.

James claims he made 900k in IT recruitment last year. Sugar points out that was the company he was working for – and they may not want to work with James when he’s on his Lord Sugar assisted tod.

After all this arsetwaddle the divine Liz is eventually fired (also with regret) because of scalability (and I reckon Sugar thinks flowers are girly). “THANK YOU ALL ITS BEEN MY HONOUR AND MY PLEASURE” Liz croons on the way out. She’s ace.

So the last three step outside for Karren to bitch about them and then are dragged back in to say why they should win.

Sarah reckons her product has huge scalability and growth. Amongst fat kids.

Michaela is after a fresh start. “Ah don’t know about sweeties or recruitment – if you want them then crack on”. Oh I just warmed to her. Damn!

James thinks IT Recruitment makes money and he has energy and passion “no disrespect to Sarah” (Sarah “WTF???!” James adds “I also can give 100% unlike Michaela”. “Spoken like a true salesman” deadpans Karren.

Michaela argues like a spouse caught in flagrante “All those other companies I’m just a shareholder with –  nothing serious.. you’ll be the real thing” etc. But surprisingly Lord Sugar fires her. “When I need a building next I’ll go on your site” he adds. “Yeah it’ll be 4 grand though no mates rates” Michaela retorts. Oh I do like her. In the taxi of doom she admits she’s off for a “Bath of wine to celebrate getting through this shitstorm. Lord Sugar just lost £50 million. Bad business move!”. Never mind Liz, this lady is proper bonkers.

So the final is a choice between bland or fibby. Sarah suggests “Sugar’s going sweet”. James says something that isn’t as good. Next week they have to present their business plan to over 200 people. I tried a poll in our house: – which wins IT recruitment or sweets? Our panel says ouch our teeth hurt and we love it!

WANT TO WIN:  Sarah (head girl)

Liking a tiny, tiny little bit less: James

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne, Sajan, Andrew, Anisa, Charles,  Bushra, Harrison, Jade, Joanna, Elizabeth, Michaela