Our shiny suited shitclowns are summoned to Ally Pally at 4am. Gathered on the Ice Rink, Lord Sugz reveals in another tenuous link the task is about ice. You can just see the girls thinking “Oooh! Diamonds” but no it’s making ice lollies to flog to Joe and Jo Public plus a bespoke model to corporate clients. Most profit wins.

Angry Lewis channels his inner Bruce Willis as he declares he can’t deal with seeing the girls smug faces again.

Lewis ep2

Yippee kiyay Mofos

 

This year the teams don’t even bother with wanky names like Executwunt or BizFart, so we’re straight in with a power struggle between Kenna (who has an ice cream business FFS and has “played with lollies before” (ooer)) and Riyonn who has eaten food and therefore declares his skillz to be equal to the team’s very own Mr Whippy. There’s a vote and only Thomas is mad (or Brexity) enough to vote for Riyonn. Kenna chooses Dean to lead the corporate sub-team much to the chagrin of Ryan-Mark, who has a face like a slapped bum for the rest of the episode (“If we fail it’s on you. I am a multi award winning public speaker” etc etc).

RM sulk ep2

Mega flounce.

 

Bakery boss Carina leads the girls. Easy peasy. No arguments. They choose a retro sweets theme. Carina wants Lottie to lead the subteam as she’s bigged herself up as someone who can deliver a design brief, but Lottie insists she picks Marianne due to her “experience”.

We finally meet Marianne. She’s an optimistic yank (she thinks she can deal with any challenges from Lottie – good luck with that).

To the design lab go Carina, Pamela, Lubna and Jemelin. They create a cherry cola and liquorice monstrosity (it could be worse – it’s nearly “cheesy cola” with some cream cheese folded in. Yum!).

Kenna is all about the profit margin, working out the cost per unit of everything and coming up with some bizarre concoction of blueberries, stem ginger and lavender cos it’s cheap as chips.

Off to a Beauty Brand in East Lahndan and having agreed the pitch plan in the car Dean decides to change everything. Ryan Mark and Souleyman have a little mutiny and Dean appeals for respect (“Let’s make sure we smash it”). Dean wants to get an understanding of the client’s “ethos” and they insist on QUALITY. Dean manages to eventually get them to agree to 90 lollies at £3.85 each (having at first increased the price and doubled the quantity offered – oops). Ryan Mark is disgusted “You made a U turn! You are a U turn!” whilst Claude shakes his head in dismay. Kenna calls in “How did it go?” and Dean is all “Yeah alright” before confirming that the clients want glitter, raspberries and coconut milk lollies. “Don’t make it awful” pleads Dean. Cut to the boys stirring glitter into more and more coconut milk as Riyonn can’t get enough of the stuff. Kenna strictly rations the coconut milk as he doesn’t give a shit how the bespoke lollies taste, he’s not wasting 5p extra per unit (“This is a pricing task” – erm. It turns out that coconut milk makes glitter go non-glittery. Shocked that Riyonn didn’t realise this. Also confused as to why the boys don’t just roll them in glitter. Have we learned nothing from Drag Race?

Lottie, Scarlett, Iasha and Marianne pitch to their Plant corporate clients and big up the high end aspect of their lollies requesting £3.75 each. The client only wants to offer £3 and Lottie pipes up with £3.50. Having agreed they would discuss pricing, Scarlett’s left in the embarrassing position of requesting a time out (during which time the clients wait patiently despite obviously being able to hear Lottie doing the LOUDEST WHISPERING EVER). Back in finally Scarlett suggests er £3.50 (“We can just about make it work”). The client accepts. Scarlett then does the sums wrong working out the costs and it’s all somewhat of an omni shambles but somehow they get away with it.

3am and time for a “lolly making masterclass”. Carina thinks “We’ve got all the elements to succeed today -what could go wrong?” Duh duh DUH.

Kenna manages an effective production line with everyone knowing their roles from mixing to freezing to labelling and packing. The girls all bicker and flail about. “Er Jemelin can you put them in the whatever that is… the freezer thing” instructs Carina. Slick.

I do like how only some of the boys care about hygiene.

Hygiene ep2

Kenna inquires casually as to delivery time for the corporate client and Dean is all “Erm Um” (Say something!) “er First thing in the morning”. Whoopsie he hasn’t arranged an appointment. Ryan Mark is all “told you so!” and grasses up Dean for changing his pitch plan. “That doesn’t stop you saying something” Kenna snaps. “We weren’t allowed to speak” fibs Souleyman. Kenna tries to be positive and knuckle down to getting the corporate lollies out first. They look a bit like a porno milky maid when complete and Dean isn’t impressed. Riyonn retorts that “You didn’t give us a bespoke specification – just flavours” and they all have a big shouty match until Kenna stops them all and demands that Dean just sell them as best he can. Ryan Mark motivates him in the car by listing the many ways in which their lolly is shit (“Invisible glitter, looks like a penis”).

Heaven ep2

Brand name idea “Heaven on a stick”

 

They get there for the morning delivery at 1pm and wait for ages for the woman to appear. Souleyman contributes by getting Dean to move the box around so it doesn’t act as a “barrier” between him and the client. The state of those lollies I’d WANT a barrier. Ryan Mark does a lot of haughty disappointed looks and they wait some more.

Lottie (natch) is in charge of posh corporate lollies and adds half a fucking shrubbery to each. “Hurry up” urges Jemelin. “This is a gourmet product” sneers Lottie. Jemelin restrains the urge to kill and instead does a great Lottie impression “Nurrrr Eees Gourmeet”. They do look good if a tad arboreal when they come out and Lottie sets to snipping off any leaves that are sticking out. Karen tries one and grimaces “It’s like eating a garden” (maybe they could brand them “Lady Garden”?). The clients are frightened by the foliage and the girls take yet ANOTHER time out to sift through the box of frozen goods in the sunshine looking for ones good enough to sell. Whilst the clients wait inside. Lottie suggests working out a price but Marianne points out they don’t know how many lollies there are to sell yet. Eventually they find 80 and go back inside where amazingly the clients still agree to buy. There’s more fricking idiocy as Lottie can’t work out the new price (“I’m sorry it’s off the top of my head – if you could help me out” – you know your phone has a calculator on it right?!) and Karen winces. Outside Marianne confronts Lottie “You mentioned we should do the maths” and Lottie is all “You are Sub Team Leader and you said no”. Marianne accuses Lottie of picking her as sub team leader to throw her under the bus (probably correct) and Lottie insists it’s because “YOU ARE OVER TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME”. Hahaha! She is so evil.

Librarian ep2.jpg

“Me? I’m just a librarian – who happens to be MUCH, MUCH younger than you!”

 

Carina’s retro lollies are ready and Jemelin urges Lubna to pack them carefully with ice at the top to keep them frozen. So of course she just chucks them in the box. At the zoo they open the box (penguins looking hopefully on) and they’ve all broken or melted. Oopsie. “Do we know who packed them?” asks Pamela and Lubna looks a bit sheepish. “They can eat them in pieces” declares Carina, like the Marie Antionette of iced goods.

The rest of the boys gather at Regents Canal in boater hats with Thomas doing his best Cockerney Barrel Boy Bantz and annoyingly selling really well. (“Gis that fiver, I’ll give you a pahnd!”. Woman “This tastes like my nan’s wardrobe” Thomas “See it’s bringing back nice memories”) and Claude is impressed.

Dean and his team are still waiting to be seen! The woman eventually turns up (“I wasn’t sure what time we were meeting”) all excited to see the lollies. And then the box is opened. “That looks a bit rude”. She thinks it doesn’t look premium and suggests they are only worth a quid each. Dean offers £3.50, £2.85 and £1.25 rather than just biting her hand off for the £90 and in the end she’s just annoyed and tells them to sling their hook and take their sad phallic lollies with them. Kenna isn’t happy. He’s fuming! He’s raging! But he tries to rally everyone to “sell sell!” even though he’s sad they didn’t just try to get a quid each to make some profit (Dean to his credit looks embarrassed here, but he still blames the product).

In the boardroom, Lottie gets stick for not listening to her PM and taking the sub team leader role. Marianne’s compared to Theresa May for coming back with exactly the same offer of £3.50 (although let’s face it – better than no deal – bitta politics eh)?

Kenna states that with his “understanding from a lolly perspective” (with a stick up your bum?) he thinks healthy options would sell best (WHAT?). Ryan Mark moans that Kenna didn’t hold a vote for Sub Team Leader and Sugz is all “that’s his prerogative” so Ryan Mark boohoos “I understand but I didn’t have the option”. Dean is outed for not taking a quid per lolly and Thomas starts interrogating him until Sugar asks “Do you wanna sit over here?” Sadly it seems Sugz has fallen for the cheeky cockney market trader charm and declares Thomas a “hero” for his selling prowess.

Anyhow results time – the boys spent a lot less and made £439 profit. Continuing in the trend of “surprise” endings the girls spent a lot more and made £545 profit. They’re sent to West Ken Spa to get their bums tickled with the filling snipped from their ice lollies as some sort of bizarre punishment.

Tickled ep2

Something about bushes.

 

The Boys troop to Café doom again with Sugar unimpressed. Kenna blames his subteam and Thomas insists they should have sold the willy lolly given he managed to flog something with bladdy lavender in it. Dean still blames the piss poor product.

Lottie has chosen “ten years older” Marianne to backstab this week. “She could have been assertive – if you have a problem with me being dominating just tell me” she smarms to camera. I have a feeling she’s playing a Hopkins game here.

Back in the boardroom and Sugz reveals that the true task was making the bespoke item high quality enough to sell (who knew!). Kenna blames the poor info from his corporate team and Ryan Mark swoops in “You are selling yourself as a food connoisseur”. “I DON’T DEAL WITH GLITTER” insists Kenna (This must be in a BBC guidebook somewhere). We’re treated to the willy lolly again which Sugar describes as looking like “medical waste” and an increasingly shaken Kenna brings back Dean and Ryan-Mark who complains again about Kenna’s “executive decision as PM to not listen to me” (How entitled is this dude?).

Dean keeps “holding his hands up” and Sugar asks if he’s admitting liability. “No” squeaks Dean. Whereupon Kenna holds his hands up. Doh! Ryan-Mark insists he deserves to be in the process but Sugar’s not impressed (“I don’t like people who stir up trouble”). For a second it looks like Dean will rightly go for losing out on the money from the corporate client and sitting around like a tit for ages, but eventually poor Kenna goes and didn’t even get decent advertising for his ice cream business. Although those pink willies could go down a storm at Pride – just roll them in the glitter boys. Poor Kenna has a little sob even though he admits in the taxi of regret that he knew he was a “dead man walking” when the task was lost. Despite him having been 24 Sugar seems to have saved 19 year old Dean and 20 year old Ryan Mark because they are mere foetuses and he wants to tell them to GROW UP and stop blaming people. Like that’s gonna happen in 16 weeks.

Back at the house Ryan-Mark auditions for a Lloyd Weber musical with the campest return to the house ever.

Enchante ep2

“Enchante!”

 

This could only have been more flamboyent had he grabbed that rose and danced in with it clenched between his buttocks.

Meanwhile Dean insists the girls are “NEVER winning again”. It’s all getting a bit Incel on Boyteam.

Next week they have to design a toy – and (joys!) make an advert.

 

Liking:  Lubna, Jemelin, Scarlett, Marianne

Still crushing on: Souleyman

Meh: Iasha, Carina, Pamela, Riyonn

Disliking: Thomas, Dean, Ryan-Mark

Anger Management Issues: Lewis (they’re all going to be needling him from now on)

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna