Archives for the month of: October, 2017

Week 4 dawns with Harrison in a towel sucking in his beer gut and ironically being summoned to Olympic Way. In the shows most heavy handed foreshadowing ever there’s a shot of Harrison singing badly in the shower whilst the rest of the boys primp and Sajan puts on an annoying twat hat.

Jade wonders if it’s “Something to with sport”. Liz hopes it’s rugby (“I’d  love to tackle one of those boys and get him in a ruck”) and grins lustily.

Everyone steps onto the golden turf of Wembley and acts all inspired by a field enclosed in a big pie dish.

Spurs allow walnut headed ex-chairman Lord Sugar back on their turf where he looks wistfully at a big cup (as usual) and tells the candidates that the Football Industry in the UK is worth £4billion and the Women’s Footy FA Cup Final is due to be played -so the teams have two days to lay on a VIP hospitality box for 14 guests by negotiating a price with just one client (who can demand a refund). They also have to run a matchday stall outside the ground and the most profit wins. Blah de blah!

Vitality’s boys in classic school sports day are asked to choose someone from Graphene to balance up the teams and plump for sensible Sarah.

Siobhan doesn’t do football but does weddings so puts herself forward and there’s tumbleweed when it’s asked if anyone else wants to step forward so she leads Graphene (Jo, Jade, Liz, Sarah Jayne, Anisa, Bushra). They consider the entertainment choice (magician or singer) and everyone goes “it’s your choice Ms Team Leader” so singer it is. Bushra’s keen on avoiding being cheap so they go for high end choices.

Andrew takes charge of Vitality and promptly winds Michaela up by suggesting that there’s more money in men’s footy and therefore it’s more ace and skill and chockablock with twats.  Sarah (jokingly I hope) suggests they could use their own resource as entertainer as she’s heard singing in the shower.”ARE WE GONNA WIN THIS?” Andrew yells unconvincingly.  The boys duly descend on the food choice samples with orgasmic cries (“Are there any other options” burps Andrew) and having scoffed the lot plump for beef as sushi is for London twats and they’ve forgotten where fucking Wembley is.

Given the choice between what the VO man charmingly calls “budget sandwiches” or “upmarket halibut” Siobhan plumps for the latter and then puts Muslim Bushra in charge of numbers on ordering drinks when she doesn’t even know how many glasses you get in a bottle of wine. (Depends on the glass or the drinker).

Liz leads a subteam of Jo and Sarah Jayne to negotiate and offers to take the lead as “it’s more coherent if one person talks”. This is proved when she calls Siobhan to get their costings and the whole lot talk at once and haven’t properly done the maths and hang up. “What the hell was that about?” worries Liz.

Back at the stadium Anisa assures the others not to worry “all that information’s in good hands with Elizabeth”. Erm yeah. They have the worlds most awkward clients who start reminiscing about great times they’ve had in hospitality boxes with free bars (well doh). At least they don’t want an entertainer. To be honest they want to get pissed and not sung at. I can relate. Liz gives the realistic costs of £350 per heard and they say their maximum budget is £2.5k. In which case Liz says they have to have a cold buffet. In which case they say they won’t take the box. Oh dear, poor Liz is in a corner. She can’t promise a free bar but promises they won’t have a dry day and shakes on that, reassuring Siobhan “they shook hands on a nice day out”.

The boys view a Magician who impresses them with his witchcraft by making an ACTUAL TABLE FLY. Wow! Spellbound they ask him what he wants. £750 responds the cheeky warlock twat. They tell him he can fuck off on his flying table and start looking meaningfully at Harrison who faux bashfully decides to take one for the team and sing for them. (“I sang to myself in the shower now I’m singing in Wembley Stadium” Yes Harrison you have the Deluded-Factor).

Bushra does her best to rein in Siobhan’s spending (“Are you going to give them every single thing?” “I DUNNO!!!”), but Siobhan is insistent on ordering shit loads of wine (again who would complain?).  Bushra’s not sure but 20 bottles of wine for 14 people in an afternoon sounds a lot to her. Again I don’t think it’s her culture I think I just hang about with binge monsters who would get through that quite easily. On the other team Andrew has gone mega tight and orders canapés for 7. I hope it’s vol au vents and he has to cut the fuckers up.

Andrew’s very smug over brekkie for only spending £1360 but Michaela’s amazed. Andrew reveals his secret cheapo weapon is Harrison and Michaela is all excited (“I eard him singing in the shower”). Harrison looks pretend bashful. Maybe he also wees in the shower and is worried they’ve all been listening to that too.

Siobhan’s team are more worried and focus on selling high on the snack stall. Jade applies to sell and is put on the subteam.  Jo still hasn’t got over what a cow Jade has been to her (“Why didn’t you put yourself forward to negotiate”) and stupidly isn’t transferred to the box with Bushra, Anisa and Siobhan.

Equally Andrew gets into trouble for selecting James, Harrison and Sarah to join him in the box. Incensed, Michaela asks why and argues Sarah is good at sales, and Andrew explains that he thinks Sarah “suits the corporate side more”. Ohh burn! Cue hissy fit from Michaela because another woman got a compliment from a man. Sigh.

Liz is doing her damnedest to motivate her subteam but Jo has on the arse about Jade. “If you’re at all insecure…” Liz starts. Oh dear. “That was the wrong choice of words” she admits.

Meanwhile Siobhan forces poor Bushra to learn football facts to amaze their guests (“THIS IS SO BORING”) whilst Siobhan concentrates on cracking open the wine.

In the kitchen Andrew confesses to Sarah he’s ordered about enough canapés to satisfy an anorexic mouse. But he’s got it all in hand. He’s spent a fiver on cheesy wotsits in little plastic bowls to add that touch of class. They also have only about 10 bottles of alcohol. Good luck with that! Yep sure enough they end up having to make umpteen trips to the presumably massively expensive stadium bar to top up.

On the Popcorn stall Sajan is supposedly dressed as some popcorn but looks like a radical pillow. Michaela decides to pick on Charles (“I don’t trust him”) because it’s easy. Before too long Charles is selling though. At a completely different price to everyone else. Michaela can’t contain herself (“I’m gonna sell!”) and is soon stalking the pavement demanding people “goangetyourkidssome popcorn” and they are all too terrified to say No. Of course the popcorn she was meant to be cooking burns, but she’s always got Charles to blame. Everyone needs a Charles to blame.

Charles-Burns-on-The-Apprentice

I mean, look at him.

Meanwhile Liz stalks about demanding “WHO would like candy floss today?” (Love her) in between asking Sarah-Jayne who appears to have come as a sulky child to stop eating the candy floss in front of punters. She’s not just eating it – she’s picking bits off with her nails and looking frankly feral. Jo looks sad standing around in a pink afro which I am pleased to report she manages to lose (if I was her I’d have chucked it into the candy floss maker).  They choose to sell at £4 or 2 for £7 and whilst Sarah Jayne picks distractedly at the produce, Jo complains people aren’t happy with £4 and Liz insists they are (well she is managing to sell at that price so she has a point).

Sarah Jayne sidles up to Jo as they are consigned to candy floss making and mutters “She’s such a twat”. Can’t even be sure if it’s about Liz or Jade, but it’s probably the latter as although she’s not been very likeable hitherto she is a selling demon on this task. Finally Jo and Sarah Jayne get asked to sell too (“I get two minutes to shine”) and I bet their lovely happy demeanours help make the team a fortune.

Andrews team classily offer a champers glass of water to the poor preggers lady who has to rely on a bottle of fruit juice one of her mates has brought in. Serve her right for having sex before he has.

Poor Bushra is forced to confront the embarrassed guests with her “football facts” read off a piece of paper (“I’m not sure if any of you know Geoff Hurst” she wibbles) fortunately they all get back to getting pissed.

The mic squeals in protest as Harrison takes it and slaughters “My Way”. The guests take this as ironic comedy and sing and clap along so he gets away with it. It goes straight to Harrison’s head (“That song was worth £700).

Thank god the footy starts (Andrew “We SMASHED it lets go for a beer” oh stop trying to be all blokey mate).

Back in the Boardroom and Sarah Jayne and Jo try to stitch up Liz on them not being allowed to sell, but Jade backs up Liz’s argument that Jo had complained it couldn’t be sold for £4 (Jo “Sometimes Elizabeth you will say a lie” Oooooh. Liz “With respect that’s an insult on my integrity”).

Andrew gets stick for his sexism against WIMMINS FOOTY and Sugar points out helpfully that women have kicked the boys arses for the last three weeks.

Andrew insists that Harrison has “the voice of an angel”. Sugar thinks it’s more Frank Lampard than Sinatra (who writes these zingers?).

Michaela goes all quiet about popcorn gate and insists she’s “Just shy”.

So all a bit bollocks as per usual.

It’s Money time – will there be a by now unsurprising “twist”? Oh yes there will.

Whilst Graphene’s Candy Floss Stall made £352.80 and Vitality’s Popcorn only brought in £222.50, Vitality made £993.20 on their box and somehow the client didn’t ask for refund so they made £ 1215.70, whereas Graphene also didn’t get asked for refunds but only made £631.36 profit on the box bringing a total of £984.36.

It’s the first Boys (plus two women) win and it’s almost like it was scripted as they’re sent to the Oval to bat with Kevin Pieterson (and it turns out NONE of them know the actual rules of cricket).

Graphene languish in the Sad Café where Jo and Sarah Jayne have still got their sulk on and EVERYONE is blaming Liz (“I feel I’m  being made to blame for personal reason not business reasons” too right!). “Don’t roll your eyes while I’m speaking” she admonishes Sarah Jayne. “I’ll do what I want” comes the retort. Kids today eh?

Back in the boardroom and Sugar deduces it all went wrong on the phonecall over costs. Liz insists her subteam members were nodding to an open bar. Jo sulks that Liz wanted Jade to sell. “Good call” Sugar declares. Ha. Siobhan brings back Elizabeth and Jo leaving Sarah Jayne to skulk away Scot Free.

Siobhan’s getting stick for not understanding cost and profit when she runs events but insists she wants the best possible experience for her clients. I imagine she’s used to working on other peoples big budgets. Unfairly Sugar blames Liz for agreeing to the clients every demand when she was trying to limit it. Jo get involved so it descends into a classic bitch fest (Karren “Ladies please show respect to one another”).

Sugar does his classic summary of pretending he’s going to fire Liz and Jo (“You’re very argumentative haven’t seen you compliment anyone – you’re a difficult person” Ooof!), before firing Siobhan for overspending. Much as I have disliked Siobhan that’s a shit reason as they didn’t buy that much more wine than the boys in the end after all those trips Vitality made to the bar. Maybe she didn’t find best prices though. Jo’s card is marked and as she “blames everyone” she’s automatically elected as PM next week. Let the fireworks commence!

Outside Elizabeth lunges in for a hug on Siobhan like she’s tackling a rugby boy and it all looks desperately awkward as Siobhan takes evasive action.

Annoyingly Siobhan is quite humble and reasonable in the Taxi of Despair (“The two girls fought better than me. I am who I am and client satisfaction is more important to me”).

Back in the house and even Bushra has got all cocky and is accusing Liz of lying. And she wasn’t even at the sodding negotiation. Sajan is lapping it up (“Keep fighting. The more you fight the more we win”).

Next week to celebrate Sugar’s birthday the teams have to find items to mark his life and career. So that’s a pointless peerage ,an Amstrad phone and a great big Cockney barrow full of shit then.

LOVING: Elizabeth

LIKING:  James, Sajan, Bushra, Ross, Sarah

NOT SURE WHAT THEY DO: Anisa, Andrew, Charles

NOT KEEN ON: Jade, Michaela, Joanna

TOSSERS: Harrison, Sarah Jayne

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Apologies as I missed the show tonight due to running the first heat of a comedy competition under the jolly banner of http://www.colchestercomedyfestival.co.uk (plug!) so I’m catching up and skipping any bits I deem too boring. This could be a short one! Especially after that early glimpse of Charles sans specs in his undercrackers with NO WARNING.

Lord Bollockhead summons the candidates to the Design Museum (I realise Michaela, Alisa and Siobhan in the cab there look like the Bratz Dolls have let themselves go) and wiffles on about past technologies (Amstrad email phone anyone?) before tasking the candidates to pick designer robots to sell to trade and toy robots to sell via retailers.

Michaela’s put in charge of the remaining Vitality boys due to the fact she has 4 brothers (“I’m buzzin! You all just er better behave!”). Poor Alisa is shouted down by Jade who becomes leader of Graphene cos she just thinks she’s it.

Both teams view the Gangnam style dancing wankbot 3000 and consider how to reprogramme it. James suggests making it over for the Over 60s (“As they spend more time in the house” Er what?). Jade chooses to market it for kiddywinks and picks Jo, Anisa and Bushra to design the prototype whilst the rest are sent to pick toys lead by Sarah (“I don’t want ANY negativity!” Good luck with that).

Harrison, who spends the episode a dip in a ditch away from looking like Mickey Rourke playing Charlie Bukowski,  leads the boys prototype subteam and whilst Andrew thinks the Over 60s would like a recipe bot, Ross thinks it should teach yoga. “Nice one!” declares our beardy greaseboy “And can it say please remind me to take my medication”.

Jade decides on a study aid that teaches foreign language with (as a “fun element”) karate. They should make it do Monkey Magic. Alisa’s asked to do the voice, and they keep telling her she’s doing it wrong which is bizarre as she sounds er robotic.

Both subteams have their heart set on a cute little Balancing Bot, but when Sarah says “We love it” they all pull blank faces. Liz pipes up and asks if kids could write their own code to programme the bot and Siobhan pounces on the chance to pick on the speccy lady by accusing her of being negative. And she should know as she spends most of the episode with a face like a sad horse that’s just eaten a thistle!

In the end Sajan and co’s relentless enthusiasm wins the Balancing Bot for Vitality and the girls have to settle for a (in my opinion cooler) flying robo pirhana thing.

The boys at the lab programme the robot which Harrison has called Jeffrii as “all new tech has an I in it”. Nob. Jeffrii is dubbed “Your helping hand for life” – they may as well have stuck with Wankbot 3000.

Alisa does a one woman brainstorming session whilst the rest of her subteam look concerned. “Family, pet name, Shrek!” she wibbles – truly the Ginsberg of her generation. Bushra ends the misery by suggesting “E-Bot”. “I like it!” pounces Jade. Poor Alisa looks sad.

Michaela’s subteam aren’t sure about Jeffrii, but don’t say anything and go on to design the branding whereupon Sajan suggests “Siimon” would look better. Whilst Charles and Elliot sit and stare into space, sorry “write down key words” Michaela’s pushed for time and they are left with, well, as Michaela puts it “It’s shit!” It’s even shitter when the subteam return with their bot who greets all with a cheery “Hello my name is Jeffrii” and they realise it’s too late to reprogramme him. James points out the pitch board also states “You’re helping hand for life”. Unforgiveable! Elliot gets in his blaming of Michaela immediately naturally.

Jade splits the teams swopping Liz for Jo – ostensibly to separate Liz from Siobhan (who can’t forgive the bespectacled one for “underminding the product”) – but it’s true purpose is to prove that Siobhan could drive even the sanest of candidates to the pit of  despair. I actually warm to Sarah Jane when she ends up letting rip and Siobhan’s constant carping “I’ve had enough! It’s like a drill going through my temples! If I didn’t laugh I’d probably combust!”

Jade’s first E Bot pitch goes well if saying random French words doing karate and falling over is a plus. For me it’s a night drinking Stella. Everyone chips in to help by talking over each other whilst the trade peeps look embarrassed.

Harrison really needs to meet some real over-60s as he does an “All the lonely people” pitch for Simon (“Hello I’m Jeffrii – and I love you very much!”).

tinribs

Elliot goes all Tory boy social conscience “It is a great travesty that the elderly are often the most lonely. Siimon steps in where society stops” (This is what the Tories are planning to do to the NHS). The Trade folk look even more embarrassed then tell Vitality to fuck off and the boys dump their “Siimon” pitch board in a skip.

The girl’s next pitch at Maplin seems better with our Liz doing a dance to demonstrate the funk capabilities of their bot. Meanwhile Siobhan struggles to sell roboflyingfish to some techie hipsters (one of them is even a Portuguese bloke on a screen) after they tell her from the start they aren’t interested and then she proceeds to blame everyone else for not helping her. BITCH FIGHT TIME as Siobhan is doing both Sarahs heads in (“Just ZIP it ALRIGHT!” Siobhan “Don’t talk to ME like that”)! Poor Jo is so desperate to avoid conflict and just move on.

Back in the Board Room and the boys have had to dig a scuffed Siimon pitch board out of the skip. Vitality made £5785 on toy sales and Graphene only made £1477 but this is too early for Andrew to look smug as Vitality sold sod all prototypes whereas the girls sold loads and make £57827 total and Liz does a little squee. Graphene are sent to celebrate by playing Robot Wars whereas the boys and Michaela malinger in Café Doom where Harrison’s still devastated about the name change.

Lord Sugar slags them all off for making over-60s sound too decrepit and Elliot tries to blame everyone else for the board (Karren “Er you did that!”) and take credit for sales (Harrison “Did you sell?” Elliott “Not specifically”) and Michaela brings them both back whereupon Elliot tries and fails to slimy shit his barrister way out of taking any rap. However Sugar’s not taken (imagine him not getting on with a legal professional!) and fires Elliot stating “your demeanour is not up my alley”, before telling Michaela to “speak up more”. Turn your hearing aid up Sugar!

Next week the teams have to put on a VIP hospitality box at Wembley. And Harrison sings. You have been warned.

 

LOVING: Elizabeth

LIKING: Joanna, James, Sajan, Bushra, Ross

WARMING TO: Sarah-Jayne

MEH: Anisa, Sarah, Andrew

PENFOLD: Charles

MIOAW: Jade, Michaela

TWATS: Harrison, Siobhan

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s week 2, it’s 5am and James already has his tie on to answer the phone, and it’s pink, teamed with a turquoise shirt and waistcoat like he’s going to a colour-blind wedding. The candidates are summoned to meet Lord Sugar in twenty minutes, whereupon the boys get out their hairdryers and aerosols and engage in more blowing and squirting than a German jazz film.

At the “luxurious” Stoke Park hotel, once a setting for Goldfinger, now with all the charisma of a sponge finger, the candidates are greeted by a stern looking Claude and Karren and … a duck. Disappointingly the duck isn’t the new star and the human tumbleweed that is Lord Sugar descends via chopper to task them with creating a bedroom that the hotel manager can sell to his guests at a premium price with two days and a £13k budget. Anything left after their costs will be treated as profit. So that’s a bottle of frabrese and a couple of throws then. Oh no, Sugar reminds them that as this is a Luxury Hotel charging premium prices, so their bedrooms will need to offer “something very special”, presumably the broom cupboard will double as a champagne gimp dungeon.

On Vitality whilst Ross is not a designer he’s used to working with them… but he wimpily only wants to be the sub team leader on design side, until Harrison strong-arms him into stepping up exactly like Harrison doesn’t. “We’ll have your back” he insists, looking round for sharp objects. Ross asks Jeff to handle the money, but Jeff’s keen to go on design “We don’t need maths.. I’m creative as well. How many bankers can break dance?” Sub-teams chosen, Ross tries some motivation. “Do you want to touch each other.. er high five?”. Silence.

The girls of Graphene are headed by Bushra, who tries to learn the team’s skill set before dividing them (against her). Elizabeth did her own house up from scratch. However Siobhan announces proudly that she has spent a lot of time in hotel rooms which just makes me imagine her having dead eyed jaded affairs with middle managers called Trevor at conferences.

Bushra appoints Sarah Jayne as subteam manager on site with Michaela and Elizabeth. She’s not happy (“Bushra’s stitched me right up and put me with the rowdy lot”). Elizabeth commences measuring the room, the tape measure trailing after her like poo from a goldfish’s bum. The other girls exchange snarky looks.

Harrison sizes up the room “Table there, fire there, view there” BOSH! Karren’s unimpressed as they don’t have a clue about costings. Elliot is obsessed by how the rest of the hotel contains the colour yellow. Don’t worry love it’s not a lib-dem conference.

Ross’s subteam have the flip chart out and get conceptual. Jeff wants to focus on a celebrity theme and goes all Accidental Partridge:  “Elton John… Tim Henman”. Monkey tennis? Ross prefers best of Britain and travel. Jeff is keen to demonstrate his worth by pretending he’s in charge “Shall we move onto our next piece?”

The sub teams “probe” the hotel staff with the girls learning the main attraction is the golf course, but sadly not realising that this means they will have to design a room that a boring tosspot will enjoy. The boys learn absolutely sod all apart from that the hotel gets guests from China.. AND Europe. Ross thinks this will tie into his travel theme. Elliot bangs on about yellow like he’s Chris fucking Martin.

What were the hotel walls like Elliott?

Image result for it was all yellow

Bushra tries to get some concept. I don’t know who suggests the “chocolate room” but it reminds me of a (also very Partridge-esque) story a hotel chambermaid once told me about a businessman who obviously had a feeding fetish who visited her hotel (a posh place in Suffolk) with a Rubenesque lady of the night and when she cleaned the room in the morning there was nutella smeared everywhere along with empty jars and a dog collar and leash). Jade would like a garden theme perhaps incorporating fir trees. I love Jo’s “Is there such a thing as a tree with fur?” Yes she was serious.

Bushra doesn’t want to constrict her subteam spending on furniture but is shouted down by Michaela and one of the Sarah’s (I think Sarah Jayne is the mouthy one but I can’t be sure. Too many Sarahs!) and ends up telling them not to spend over 5k. Whoops. They tell her to go for golf rather than landscape insisting loudly she needs to pick an idea so she switched to golf, pissing everyone on her own subteam off. Meanwhile Michaela insists that Bushra is a “bellend”. Charming.

Sajan’s been tasked with being creative and presents his “Mood Board” earning a wanker point. “I don’t see travel, just Big Ben and the Olympics” Jeff complains. Sajan insists that Chinese tourists would see it as travel, but Jeff points out that he is the only one there who has ever been a Chinese tourist. Ha. Never mind, Sajan, great art is never appreciated in it’s time, or as he puts it “I gave them the fruit – it’s up to them to make the juice”.

The next step is to get a poor beleaguered designer to come up with some wallpaper. Charles fancies an outline of the London eye, but it ends up horrendously cluttered until finally with minutes to go Ross scraps everything and asks the poor woman to do a free hand drawing in 30 seconds. She’s obviously worked out how shit her fee will be and hands him a cartoon of what looks like tower bridge or maybe a Satanic symbol. Sajan practically orgasms: “Oh that line just makes it all better!”

James’s subteam go mad in a leather fetishist furniture shop where they stick labels on everything they see without bothering to compare prices. Andrew and Elliott both keep a tally of costs and they both fuck it up, underestimating by nearly £1000. James manages to get the cost down from £12700 to £10725. I hope that designer lady enjoys the peanuts she made for that crap demonstration of her skills.

Elizabeth trails her subteam round with a notepad insisting they stay within budget until one of them snaps “Remember you’re not project manager!” (they all sound bitchy at this point). They stay within their £5k budget however Claude’s not happy that Elizabeth was obsessed with staying cheap. Erm that was the budget they were given?

The other subteam stare at their wallpaper a nightmarish green close up of a golf ball that looks like a huge insect’s eye. Jo thinks it just looks like bubbles and Bushra explains “this is how style is represented”. Jade just talks over Jo until the latter exclaims “Let me speak!” and it all gets a bit fractious.

The girls get painting. “This is pretty basic” Siobhan exclaims. “Just up and down”. We’re back to those middle managers. Elizabeth tries to demonstrate how to get a “smooth finish” but Sarah-Jayne snaps snidely “Just do your own and leave everyone else alooone”.

The boys room looks like a Mighty Boosh book cover or as Harrison puts it “like someone’s puked rainbow”. “Isn’t that the flag of Romania?” Andrew insists.

They all look for “statement pieces” to confuse and annoy guests with the girls choosing a bag of golf clubs. Jeff takes a shine to a life-size Scots guard. “This screams British to me”. Thankfully Ross is on hand “It screams no to me. It’s disgusting!”. Eventually they haggle down some leather (of course!) suitcases from £600 to £400. Ross is convinced they can charge £750 a night for the joy of staring at baggage. He asks Jeff to own the financial side of the pitch but not to mention their budget or any specific costs.

The girl’s wallpaper arrives (Elizabeth “Is this upside down?”, Siobhan “What is it?”, Michaela (proudly) “You never know what art is… I NEVER get it!”) and poor Elizabeth has to cut it up as she’s messed up the management and does sadly end up “faffling” under the intense pressure of her team and Claude staring at her. It’s finally up and the other subteam arrives asking what the fuck is on the wall. Bushra explains “It’s a piece of art”. “That’s what we were sayin.. it’s DEAD arty” Michaela says as arty is close to bellend in her vocabulary. Then she sees the golf clubs and cannot contain herself (“You’re taking the piss!”). They rush to finish the room all shouting with poor Liz chanting “too much chaos” in their midst. “We’re not shouting” Michaela yells “We’re just all talking at the same time!”

The Hotel Manager inspects the girls room like he’s the three bears (“this coffee table is too low to eat from.. this mirror is too high for a shortarse such as I to clock his tackle in without standing on the sofa bed”). He’s equally unimpressed by the boys room (“It’s just London, there’s nothing British”).

Ross pitches about heritage and Sajan proudly displays his mood board like a Year 2 textiles student. Jeff completely spills the beans about what they spent. Ross looks disappointed. Mind you he always looks disappointed. The boss complains that the tables and chairs are impractical. Sajan suggests it would be a mistake for people to sit in their room and the boss rightly points out “If I’m paying £750 don’t tell me how I should use the room!”

It’s Bushra’s turn (“Your consumers have a love for golf”) but never mind the alien ass golf ball mural, low table and high mirror – the girls have forgotten a chest of drawers. Where in fuck will the bible go? Sarah Jayne points out that the desk has drawers but the boss man wouldn’t want to put his undercrackers in a desk.

It’s boardroom time and Sugar dismisses the girls golf idea as “full of holes” and reckons they were too Argos on the furniture and the room too sparse (“West Ham’s trophy room has more in.” Ho HO!). Jeff sniggers at the image of their wallpaper but Jo points out she thought it was too abstract. Jade has definitely got it in for her “What was your solution? You just said that to cover your own back”. Asked whether Bushra was a good project manager only Jo says yes. Sisters!

Whilst the boys all back Ross as PM, Jeff gets stick for saying he didn’t want to do the maths. “I didn’t say that” he whines. “That’s exactly what you said” purrs Karren. Ross states he wanted quality but not to blow the entire 13k, but Karren dobs his lack of a strategy in too. Sajan defends his masterpiece “At the end of the day I think art is defined in different ways”. Sugar’s definition is “Diabolical”.

Money time and the girls spent only £5675 making a “profit” of “£7325” leaving a 56% margin, whereas the boys spent £11495 making a profit of £1505 and a margin of 12%. So the girls get stick for making “too much profit”. Business is confusing. Anyhow the designer thought both were crap and left the final say to Sugar so he lets the girls win and they get an undeservedly fun reward of a visit to the Rosewood Hotel to meet Gerald Scarfe (“Hi I’m Gerry! Who wants cocktails?”) who draws their caricatures.  “Mr Scarfe would you be happy to do me” deadpans Elizabeth and I love her again.

In the sad café Harrison’s moaning that Jeff only had one job: to do the numbers. Jeff’s feeling “pissed off that these people keep throwing me under the bus”. The man is bus obsessed.

Back in and Harrison insists “We delivered”. “WHAT?” barks Sugar. James insists Jeff lost it for them on pricing, but Ross owns up for the £750 a night price estimate. He chooses to bring Jeff back (“Nothing personal of course”) and James, a tad unfairly as he gets the blame for all of his subteam’s mistake. Jeff rightly looks worried. It transpires that on his CV Jeff calls himself a chameleon and at the boardroom table he comes across as wooden, even though he is “a very creative man with a background in break dancing” and he “wanted to go with a sports theme.. people like Novak Djokovic and Tim Henman”. James points out that he didn’t actually do anything creative in this task.

So it comes to the summing up and Lord Sugar gives about five minutes of filler pretending that anybody but Jeff will go, before he fires him (“I wouldn’t trust you with a hotel in monopoly”).

Jeff body pops to the taxi of despair where he still lacks self awareness, whilst Sugar rips up his CV and sort of marks Ross’s card (“I don’t know who you are yet” – IT’S WEEK TWO – THERE’S 17 OF THESE FUCKERS – I’M STRUGGLING TOO).

Back at the house, they’re all on the white wine in the garden. Andrew asks “How can you girls argue so much but do so well”. “We know how to separate the business and the personal” Jo explains whilst Jade (probably) gives her a hacky look.

Next week the teams sell robots and the girls are ROW-bots. Geddit? I don’t know why I bother!

LOVING: Elizabeth

LIKING: Joanna, James, Sajan, Bushra, Ross

INVISIBLE: Anisa, Sarah, Andrew

PENFOLD: Charles

MIOAW: Jade, Michaela, Sarah-Jayne

TWATS: Harrison, Elliot, Siobhan

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slightly late to the party of bellends I come due to the fact my new job requires me to occasionally attend meetings on a sodding Wednesday night – this, coupled with the fact I am in panto (darlings) this year and my meeting free Wednesdays may involve me prancing around with my adorable fellow middle aged luvvies and some well trained children, means I may struggle to keep up this series. But like Theresa May without an asthma inhaler, cunts to the front of her, shonky signs behind I will soldier bravely on. Bet I don’t get an ovation though.

And there’s 18 of the fuckers this time.. I swear they are breeding. And clearly, judging by the amount of spectacle wearers on display, the rest are masturbating. Anyhow they hand in their business plans to Lord Sugar (once an aspiring entrepreneur, now a walking prostate gland) who manages to crack a Brexit gag (“I decide who leaves”) which hopefully doesn’t mean this series will drag on interminably for the rest of my lifetime. Anyhow as per they’re all up for his £250k investment and Karen (what sisterhood?) Brady and Claude Littner are his ears and sarcastic rolling eyes on the candidates. One of whom (Elliot Van Emden no less a man who boasts about earning over £175k pa. Winner!) “assisted” with writing speeches for David Cameron. What a winner. Mind you there’s always feisty Michaela if you want to see ambition. Apparently this woman’s business has a £2m turnover. So what’s she doing on this show? “I don’t think I’ve peeked. I’m from Bolton”. Indeed.

Anyhow this week’s task is to make burgers to sell to the public and trade. Sugar makes them elect a PM there and then so the girls choose Sarah as their sacrificial lamb and the boys choose Danny who spends most of the task coming across like Rio Ferdinand in a K-hole.

Image result for apprentice danny

Nope definitely Rio.

In an attempt to frighten the candidates, Sugar beckons in a dead-eyed parade of all the past winners who haven’t sued him yet (“These are real successes”) and they all act as though he’s holding their children hostage.

Jeff suggests the team name “Warriors” for the boys and after much lackage of any other ideas all the boys are relieved when James pipes up with “Vitality”. This takes fucking hours by the way – it’s at least 5pm by the time they’ve chosen this. For the girls Jade comes up with Graphene, because apparently it’s harder than anything (If that’s the criteria why not pick Jason Statham?). So both teams sound like diet products that help you poo.

The girls decide to go for luxury, so that’s best of British beef and shitty chicken. Whereas the boys plump (or not) for healthy burgers; buffalo and er turkey.

The girls decide to send a sub team to Canary Wharf so Siobhan can use their sex thang on the “male dominated” audience. Karen is unimpressed.

Harrison, who clearly thinks he has the worlds biggest bollocks but comes across like a shouty David Brent sends the boys sub team to Brixton as it’s “up and coming”. Presumably his nan told him that.

They all have to get up at 2am. Losers.

”How’d you feel mincing meat this time?” asks Joanna. “Well I actually used to go out with a butchers’ son” confides Jade. Shades of Uncle Monty.

Another spectacles wearer is endlessly annoying management consultant Charles who decides, in the absence of any direction from Danny, that it’s his call when it comes to purchase prices at the meat market. So when Sajan gets a price, Charles jumps in on the last minute claiming “I negotiated that by myself”.

Poor Bushra asks if anyone wants “to pitch on chicken” (perhaps forgetting you only pitch when you sell”). Despite the supposed luxury aspect to the burgers she isn’t bothered about getting the best chicken and ends up purchasing some dodgy looking “natural chicken” from Holland (as opposed to cyborg chicken from Japan).

Sarah organises a production line in the kitchen with adorably potty Elizabeth (already likened by commentators to Olive from On The Buses) handling mixing. Whoops she’s added too much water but somehow rescues the ensuing quagmire by punching the remaining mince into submission. I love her. Unfortunately she is sent to set up stall at Canary Wharf with gimlet eyed sex traitor Siobhan (the sort of woman who describes herself as “feisty” rather than the more appropriate “psychotic), who promptly refuses to co-operate due to Elizabeth’s alleged “faffling”.  Poor Liz makes the fatal error of calling her “Sinead”. “If you don’t remember it don’t say it!” she fishwifes back. Liz would have my permission to griddle Siobhan’s face at this point.

Passive aggressive Yank Jeff tries to  inject some strategy into Danny’s approach (Danny: “Stop talking! Just keep making burgers! Arggh”). “We should have a pricing strategy” Jeff suggests. “We can do that over the phone” barks Danny cluelessly before rushing off to sell sell sell unpriced burgers, leaving Charles in Charge of the production line. “There’s no value us being on the streets at lunchtime” Charles says casually (WTF!?) “We can just go to a commuter place at 3pm” (Double  WTF!?).

The boys find Brixton Street Food Market empty after lunchtime and Jeff and Elliot sadly start hawking their burgers to ghosts much to Claude’s disdain. Finally one of them manages to sell a salad sandwich and they convince Danny to go to Shoreditch because none of them seem to have the slightest idea how London works.

Back in the kitchen Charles dicks around on a fisher price calculator to work out prices and phones the project manager. “Why are you calling about costing?” Danny screams “Arggh! Sell sell sell!”. The production team are informed that to call the Turkey burger “organic” every part of it has to be so, even the sodding breadcrumb that coats it. Not to worry – they get their sharpies out and cross out the word “organic” on all the labels. Cos that will appeal.

Poor Bushra is accused of being micromanagy by her increasingly catty team, so to prove she’s a team player she allows Anisa to pitch. Whereupon she freezes up and Bushra has to take over. And it all starts over again.

The girls chase around looking for quick sales, with Elizabeth resplendently yelling “COME ERE!” whilst hunting for punters, burgers in hand, on a bridge. Joanna goes for the easier option of flogging burgers for about 20p a pack, which, whilst less scary and more successful earns Karren Brady’s disdain.

6pm and they’re back in the boardroom.

Graphene seem fairly united, though I rather get the impression that Michaela has something against Bushra (or “Bushee” as she calls her). However the girls seem united in their dislike of Elizabeth because she has glasses and looks funny and doesn’t appear to give one fuck and they all gang up on her for the watery mince disaster which er wasn’t a disaster thanks to our Liz (“I had my hands in that meat and I MIXED IT!”).

Likewise Vitality are as one in their loathing of Charles (Danny: “Charles man you let me down!”).

Anyhow it’s numbers time and the girls of Graphene spent £374 and took sales of £611 for a profit of £239. The Vitality boys ended up with a “diabolical” loss of £114.

The girls are “rewarded” with a feast of vegetables disguised as meat products (I once saw a carrot like that) presented by a vegetarian chef. Only Bushra looks happy. Liz reminisces fondly about “Beating the meat” (“Let’s just say I worked out all of my anxieties in 5 minutes”)

In a Spanking New Café Doom, Danny tries to blame Harrison for choosing Brixton as a selling location, conveniently forgetting that if he had managed to get the team there for lunchtime they may have done better.

Back in the boardroom and Jeff tries to also blame Harrison for Brixton, but Harrison rightly points out that they should have left the kitchen quicker. Sugar adds “this is a task to do with profit. You got out at 4.15pm” whereupon Jeff promptly repeats “this is a profit task”.

Danny wants to bring Charles into the boardroom twice but has to choose Harrison who kicks off angrily. “If we have nine of me …” he snarls, beard bristling. “It was based on Brixton” Danny explains. “Location was the problem” Jeff echoes. Jeff is a prick.

Fear of an irate big beardy man causes Danny to switch to choosing Elliot. Oh Danny you are so doomed.

Back in and Elliott, who’s got an entitled Tory boy swagger to him, lays waste to Danny’s decision making and management skills in seconds. Elliot suggests Danny should leave for having no strategy.

It’s revealed Charles has actually listed on his CV that he only does what he wants and doesn’t listen to people. Bless his nerdy honesty. He has a proper touch of Jon Tickle, the bloke on Big Brother everyone in the house hated but the public kept in just to keep torturing the rest of them. Charles backs Elliott because that’s his best option.

Sugar starts laying into Charles for being disruptive but of course veers left at the last minute and fires Danny “with regret”.

Even though the loser’s taxi scene is filmed months later, Danny still hasn’t gained any insight “It should be Charles here but with a personality like that he will be sacked anyway in the next few weeks” he wibbles.

Meanwhile back at the house everyone is calling Charles a cunt, so it’s a delight when he comes back triumphant (the girls team look none too secretly delighted). “I will not stop fighting till I win this he exclaims” to their stunned faces. No Charles you WILL stop when team Vitality eventually turns on you Lord of the Flies style and roast your porky little body on the Argos patio BBQ.

Next week high end hotel makeovers go on. I wouldn’t let this lot loose with crayons.

Line of the Episode: “Yay we’re MINCING!” (the boys on the meat line).

GODDESS: Elizabeth

LIKING: Sarah, James, Sajan

SEEM REASONABLE.. UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE: Joanna, Ross, Bushra, Andrew

MEH: Anisa, Sarah-Jayne

HILARIOUS (in a bad way): Charles

BIT BITCHY: Jade, Michaela

TWATS: Harrison, Jeff

PSYCHO: Siobhan

PROBABLY NEXT CONSERVATIVE LEADER: Elliott

 

BYE BYE: Danny