Archives for the month of: October, 2014

Week 4, and we learn that Solomon likes to have Felipe tie his tie on for him before he’s bothered to don a shirt (not that I’m complaining, but did he use to be in The Chippendales or something?).

The candidates assemble at a relic of the East Ends fading Victorian glory, who incidentally is in Wilton’s Music Hall. Ella hopes it’s to do with entertainment as her “passion is in film and producing documentaries” and everyone looks bored. Sarah looks faintly worried that she’ll catch something unsavoury from the ageing building.

Lord Sugar points out that whilst Wilton’s in it’s heyday was where everyone went, “now all you need is one of these” (he pulls out a worryingly sweat smeared smart phone) “to access online entertainment” and instructs the line to create a Youtube video channel to go live for 48 hours, with the most views winning (as that translates into advertisers being annoying bastards and ruining the start of the videos).

There’s more jiggery pokery as Silent Jemma is moved onto Summit, with “Internet man” Solomon chosen by Sugar as Project Manager, and the remainder of the team consisting of Roisin, Bianca, James, Sanjay and Mark.
Ella Jade (who’s business idea involves online films) is told to lead Tenacity (with Steven, Daniel , Felipe ,Katie, Lauren, Stepford Sarah, Pamela).

Pamela’s very keen to point out her previous experience in making online adverts (“We did great one in work for hand cream with rugby players” – Oo-bladdy-err!) but Ella Jade is determined to impose her creative will (“My strategy is to be me. I am who I am. I am Ella Jade”) no matter how bollocks it may be.

Tenacity work on devising a catchy concept, and Ella Jade confesses she has no social media experience (oops). However Katie has experience of being in front of the camera for videos advertising her fitness business, so everyone immediately latches onto the idea of fitness videos being a stunningly great idea that will really attract the sort of people who stay up late popping pringles and yawning down gallons of wine to watch Youtube vids.

The ideas come staggering in, with everyone rolling eyes as Steven over-earnestly suggests “”secrets of keeping fit” and “pumping iron” as concept names. Felipe suggests “Daddy Fit in a Week” (a guide for kids to unleashing their parents epilectic potential?) and everyone settles on “Fat Daddy’s Fitness Hell” (which Lauren pulls a disgusted face at). Ella chooses Katie and Felipe to star on account of their Hollywood-esque charisma (“Katie, you have banter”) but insists that she directs, despite Pamela shooting her evils. She says she sees Sarah as “organised” (transl. A mad bitch) so asks her to ensure her subteam, led by Lauren keep to deadlines.

Technological entrepreneur Solomon looks onto a winner on Summit with his obvious experience of social media and suggests a “Blindfolded food challenge (with no knives obviously)”, adding that he wants “To bring Lord Sugar into the future by connecting him with the kids of today”, even though that sort of thing only really happened in the 1970s. Jemma comes up with “Dare To Dine” as the name for a light hearted foodie channel and Roisin is chosen to “as she’s a girl to be in the video” calmly ignoring Solomon’s accidential theSexism, to his relief by saying she thinks she’d do well. James is chosen to be the dickhead in the video (“Roisin’s like the mother figure, I’m like the funny, childish one”). Solomon points out that James needs to actually make people laugh (“No pressure”). It doesn’t start well as he tits around with an Apron over his bare torso ranting on about how he can eat a chicken in “two seconds” to Roisin, who looks like his carer, whilst Nick Hewer observes with a full on “who farted?” facial expression.

Over on Tenacity Katie puts Felipe (“I am a fat daddy”) through his paces with sparring and star jumps, whilst Ella Jade busies herself with preventing Pamela from making any helpful directorial contributions (Pamela: “I am extremely concerned”). Back at headquarters, Lauren’s sub team try to design the look of the channel and opt for a graphic of poor Felipe going from fat to thin (because Katie was all about “the journey” and not the one from pub to kebab shop). Dan worries it might offend people (“I wouldn’t watch a video if it said ‘fat'”), but rather than express those concerns to Ella Jade, Lauren slams him down (“That’s a problem you have with the concept, but we’ve already come up with that name”).

Summit film another video where James muppets around covered in flour like a Bromide version of The Postman Always Rings Twice.

Ella Jade shoots the second Tenacity video whilst Joe Wicks, fitness coach, a cross between a flopsy haired hipster and a complete bastard, yells motivational abuse at Felipe (“Come on fat Daddy, burn that fat! Let’s turn that gut into a set of abs. What do you mean you’ve only done 6 sit-ups? That’s why you’re Fat Daddy!”). Lauren’s subteam Skype with Youtube stars, fitness twat duo “Lean Machine”, who agree to appear in Tenacity’s final video and do virtual highfives, making me want them to be maimed in a hideous rowing machine disaster.

Mark, for Summit, takes the choosing of an “online partner” much more seriously (as though he’s on Thaibrides.com or something) and is keen on Barry Lewis (who looks like someone who’s been chucked out by his mum at the age of 40 and now lives on ready meals in a bedsit), who has had an amaayzing 3000 views since posting his last video online yesterday. Mark is impressed or maybe it is just pity.

Next up is 19 year old annoyant and food blogger Ollie who boasts that 90% of his audience are girls and that he’s had up to 12.5 million views per video posted. Bizarrely Mark thinks Ollie might be too young (for t’internet) and angsts about the split of women in his audience rather than the number of views. Even Bianca, who admits Barry only has 75,000 subscribers, thinks the older man is “more credible”. Fortunately Solomon sees sense and insists that they “100% need to go for the views”. Mark gets all passive aggressive (“It falls on his head now”) and admits he “didn’t want to make that decision” because he is clearly an idiot. He gets on with putting the description text together for the channel which all sounds a bit Peter Kay “garlic? bread?” (“Have you ever eaten grass that tastes of lemons?”).

Daniel reminds Sarah that she needs to manage timekeeping, as Tenacity’s subteam are now hopelessy behind. Sarah gets all hissy (“Don’t blame me. I’m not Project Manager!”) and Lauren basically forgets to put a name, description or trailer on the channel, much to Ella Jade’s chagrine. Lauren bites the bullet and apologises for her omission. Sarah says “Don’t blame me” a few times more. Ouch though. It’s going to look like some sort of specialist “feeder porn” with people tuning in only to find out who really is the Fat Daddy.

Submit view the first video and the food based intro for “Dare to Dine” looks reasonably professional, although Nick Hewer is disappointed by the “frankly young” sense of humour, which will never work on the internet obviously. “Millions have got to find it funny not just the odd nutcase”. Oh Nick!

“Fat Daddy’s Fitness Hell” is viewed in silence. “I actually don’t think that’s too bad” pipes up Katie consolingly, whilst Pamela resists punching her and settles for condemning the video as “Middle of the Road” which clearly upsets Ella Jade’s artist sensibilities (“It’s very easy for everyone to put the blame on you as soon as something goes wrong”). Pam’s griping does get her the job of filming the last video whilst Steve gets the job of pitching to Buzzfeed. Sarah looks down sadly. “What would you like me to do? I just feel I’m not being included in a lot here”. Yup there’s a reason for that love. Sarah doesn’t know if Ella Jade “feels threatened by me” but she’s “taking it quite personally” and declares herself in charge of answering questions at the pitch.

Jenna gets the responsibility of ensuring that 19 year old food-embryo Ollie endorses the Summit “Dare to Dine” brand at the end of the final video, and she does ask, but it’s not clear whether he does this on camera or whether he’s just going to tweet it (an attempt perhaps to make the result look less clear cut, but if he’s got 12.5 million subscribers, he should have a reasonable following on thatTwitter too).

Solomon and his subteam pitch to Buzzfeed and Mark tells them how they’re “bringing fun into the kitchen” before playing a video which the lady and smug speccy twat of Buzzfeed fail to laugh at completely. Bianca claims the videos are pitched at the “18-30 age demographic” whilst on the video James gurns and squeals like a toddler who’s found a forbidden stash of Sunny Delight. Buzzfeed tell them it looks great, but think the audience would be younger (“about 8 to 10 years”). Hmm have students really matured so much since the wonderful “Get Stuffed” or are drugs simply not as good anymore (probably the latter). Mind you I thought “Big Chef Little Chef” was comedy genius when I was in my 30s, but I still don’t think James was funny. After a brisk “we’ll let you know” Summit leave with speccy twat finally cracking a chuckle as they’re on their way out. Bianca confides that she managed to read speccy’s writing and he’d written “KILL JAMES” (I really hope he’d written it over and over again like Jack Nicholson in The Shining).

Pamela directs “Lean Machine” greeting “Fat daddy, my old friend!” with lots of pratfalls, culminating in a desperate Fat Daddy running away from Lean Machine and being left panting on the grass as though they’ve debagged him. Katie’s impressed by how much better than Ella Jade Pamela is as a director.

Daniel has a wonderful “Just kill me now please” face on as Steven “perfects” his pitch to the right level of psychobollocks in the car on the way to Buzzfeed (“We have to make sure they ..er… learn and laugh along the way”). How could his blend of scary intensity and complete bullshit (“the most important step is the first step” – no it’s not you nob, it’s the missing step!) fail? Well, Steven’s not as good a presenter as he thinks and has no connection to an audience so ums and erms his way through hoping “we are going to have all the viewers rolling on the floor laughing”.

The best laugh goes to poor Felipe in the video (“I’m 34 and I’m really fat” – bless) from the Buzzfeed woman, but she admits that she doesn’t like the feeling that they’re laughing at him. Sarah muffs it by explaining the joke is only on Felipe personally, not on the viewer, so that’s ok. Buzzfeed woman insists she doesn’t think she’d “share this on an overweight friend’s page” (I know plenty of blokes who would deliberately share this on their friends pages, for all sorts of wrong reasons). Stepford Sarah tries to bring her Jedi hypno trick into play, repeating “It’s all about exercising and having fun” in such a scary voice that if I worked for Buzzfeed I would have thrown a glass of water in her face to see if she short circuited. “Anything else?” “Erm I think that covers everything I have as a note” grins Speccy (emphasising the singular).

It turns out neither team get on Buzzfeed, so James takes to whining on about it all being Solomon’s fault, but Solomon thinks he’s followed his vision through and done everything he can. Ella Jade also feels confident, but she doesn’t go on about having a vision, as clearly she never had one.

In the Boardroom, Lord Sugar’s unimpressed by Dare to Dine (“I suppose that’s supposed to be funny”), describing James as a “Grade A Pillock”. James insists he just “took one for the team” (“Yeah yeah”).

Solomon’s pretty clear about following the numbers and getting social media shares, but admits he misjudged the age range for Buzzfeed, but he still gets the backing of his team.

The producers attempt to fool us into expecting another shock result by showing Lean Machine at the end of Tenacity’s video insisting that people “get this video viral by sharing it”, but there’s still Steven describing his pitch (“I said you know the hardest part of a 100 mile journey is the first step” – no you dick it’s the 256,998th step, don’t you even know that?) and the complete lack of backing Ella Jade has from her team (especially Pamela) to ensure we’ll never fall for that narrative arc.

Time for the view counts:

Summit got 3,532
surprisingly for me
Tenacity got 3,314

That’s pretty close isn’t it? Come on they must have been clicking on their i-phones all night.
Anyhow Summit get to swill down champers and bathe in volcanic waters (and James’s wee wee) at the Blue Lagoon near Rjek, near Reyk, near Rjeyk, in Iceland.

In the Cafe of Blame, Pam pulls hacky faces and Ella complains that Stepford Sarah and Steven didn’t contribute. Oh Oh. Steven’s off “I DID CONTRIBUTE” he jiggles maniacally, before declaring “I’m going to highlight every fault she has actually made and she’s going to look like a fool” (these are the sort of skills you learn in Social Care obviously).

Back in the Boardroom, Ella’s excuse for failing is that despite being some sort of media node film-maker type she’s “never actually uploaded videos before”. Well she can fuck off and learn how to. She also puts the boot into Felipe for having the Fat Daddy Fitness Hell idea in the first place.

Sugar points out that if the video was a mixture of Funny and Informative, it should have started off “in a comedic manner” to give the audience an idea of what was going down. I like that The Apprentice sort of becomes a discussion of the nature of comedy at this point. Ella Jade argues that she wanted to combine Felipe’s “wittiness” and Katie’s expertise and work on their relationship, but Katie recalls no such thing. “I was pushing entertainment” Ella Jade insists desperately. “You couldn’t push a swing” (or something) Katie retorts.

It turns out that the other team scored most views via their collaboration, and got twice as many as Tenacity’s 819 views on that video (which also suggests the scores were so close because Tenacity were refreshing all night long).
Steven’s just caught up on that nature of comedy discussion way back and points out that he said it “would be funny if he did some of the exercises in the wrong way. I said that didn’t I?” Yes Steve, and it could be dangerous, which I would probably find funny, but I guess many wouldn’t. Karen starts analysing Steven at this point, because lets face it, he’s not of this world (“Did you feel ignored?”).

Felipe points out that Sarah was meant to be timekeeping but instead she was practising robotic smiles whilst testing a series of scented vaginal douches under the table. “Why am I always to blame?” Sarah retorts again “I’m not the sub team leader, Lauren is.”

Sugar brings up Sarah’s experience in helping people lose weight through hypnoflirting (“You should have been able to help”) as well as “quit smoking” and deal with “erectile dysfunction (“Don’t look her in the eyes Nick”) before asking “Why don’t people listen to you”.

Week 1 comes back to haunt Sarah as Katie spills the beans about her “sales strategy being to put on lipstick and wear short skirts”. SLAM!

Ella Jade brings Sarah and Steven back in, and Steven’s already rolling his eyes and ranting. Sugar comes straight out and asks the “highly educated” Ella Jade if she’s ever done an honest days graft in her life (as though that matters). She apparently helped out in the “family business during summers and weekends and was president of societies at Uni” but Sugar’s not interested in all that “do-gooding” mallarkey (that’s it students, just get pissed, all the SU prestige in the world isn’t going to cut it with a Cockney Nooky Bear) and says “I’d have more respect if you’d cleaned plates in a caff”.

Ella Jade tried to shift the blame onto Sarah’s poor timekeeping skills, but Sarah goes all evil girly, lying that she was intimidated by Ella Jade who always wanted to “be in the limelight”. Ella raises short skirt gate (ooer) again, but Sarah’s on a role (“You don’t even look me in the eye”) and Ella Jade backs down in the face of the Stepford ones revisionism of events (“I thought you were good when you were PM” Sarah (shouting): “I WAS good, because I won it”).

Buoyed, Sarah says her expertise of online dating websites should have been listened to. Sugar’s interested, but it turns out when Sarah says she “trialled several sites” it just means that she created a series of profiles (“Attractive blonde. Definitely not a replicant”).

Ella shifts tack to Steven’s failings and he brings it ON (“You need to fire Ella Jade, she wants to set up a production company with our money and she couldn’t even make a 3 minute video. I would be very concerned”). Ella tells Sugar that “every person says you cannot work with Steven” and accuses his pitch of being “rambling and theatrical”, but as Steven kicks off, you can tell he’s doomed (Sugar: “Here you are shouting and screaming your bloody head off and you say you want to run a nice care home”, Steven: “I am misunderstood in the way I come across. I have reined in my passion). Steven swears he will lead the next task and demonstrate his skills, but it ain’t going to happen as Lord Sugar fires him mid-flow and he’s almost too stunned to slip out a creeping “thank you”.

Sugar turns to Sarah stating that if nobody else has confidence in her, there’s no reason for him to, and fires her too.

“Let’s get rid of the no-hopers. No chance, don’t waste my time” mutters Sugar, looking pointedly at Ella Jade who blinks in the headlights and shivers. “I have the hunger to improve” she squeaks, desperately searching for lines from “Business Beginners Big Book of Bullshit”. “Yeah yeah,” Sugar sneers, adding “I’m afraid to say you do not have the acumen”.

It’s looking like Sugar is trying to impart another secret of comedy with his demonstration of The Rule of Three, but I worry he’s cocked it up by not saving the funniest bit (Steven) until last. Ella Jade saves the day by comedically begging (“Please please please Lord Sugar I promise you”) as though Mummy and Daddy have told her she won’t get a pony if she doesn’t get to Week 5, all the way through his firing her and her reaching the Taxi of Retribution.

I worry about the other candidates waiting up, but kindly Lord Sugar phones them up to put the shits up them by letting them know all three are fired and he’s “not putting up with deadwood in the process”. Cue awestruck faces, apart from Katie who forgets that she’s not really supposed to be doing a massive grin.

Next week the group create their own coach tours. And oh yes there will be singing in a round. Sleep well.

Liking:
Felipe
Lauren
Solomon
Bianca

Warming to:
Katie
Sanjay
Jemma

Just about tolerating:
Roisin (still think she will win)
Eager James (only bloody just though!)

Disliking:
Pamela
Daniel

Big Swinging Dickhead:
Mark

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun, Steven, Stepford Sarah, Ella Jade

Replicants Identified So far:-
Roisin (Paltrow Pleasure Model), Sarah (Darryl Hannah/ Grayson Perry Mash-up Model), Possibly Lauren

Week 3 and the candidates are summoned at sunrise to the Royal Exchange, and although the boys aren’t really sure what it is (silly! It’s clearly where the Royal family buy replacement organs and blood to keep them alive ), they power blow dry their armpit hairs to steel themselves for victory. Mark dreads the idea of being mixed up with the girls, lest their inherent moistness clog up his special selling pants.

Lord Sugar pretends to have used the underground by doing that comedy bent knees straightening walk to meet the candidates at what was once the commercial heart of the city and now is a posho shopping mall, home to the biggest names in “laxury” bollocks, and sets them the task to create a designer home fragrance, complete with labelling and packaging and flog it to the public and trade. It’s all a game of margins and the biggest profit wins. Mark’s pants wilt as Sugar decides to mix the team, so Steven, Daniel and Felipe are sent to Tenacity (creating an apparent cast of thousands with Katie, Lauren, Stepford Sarah, Pamela, Ella Jade and Jemma), whilst Roisin, Nurun, Bianca and Lindsay go to Summit (with James, Sanjay, Solomon and Mark; so that’s 8 people. Hmm ) . Sanjay is delighted to have lost the “three weakest links” from the boys team.

Felipe’s immediately in organising mode and asks “Does anyone have experience in this market?” and Northern Katie steps forward as Project Manager on the basis that only idiots buy these products and she IS that idiot, and sounding curiously like Sarah Millican as she describes herself as “Someone obsessive about the smell of me home.. I buy them all; candles, reed diffuses, plug-ins” (fnar!).

Sarah thinks people relate to food smells “Vanilla, chocolate…” (curry, lager), but Katie shoots her down “If you went to a hotel you wouldn’t want to smell food in the room”, making out that us Northerners have never heard of room service.

Over on Summit, Scarily Efficient Gwynneth Paltrow Clone Roisin elects herself uber fuhrer on the strength of knowing about numbers. Roisin is like that bloke out of Perfume who has no smell, so therefore favours incredibly bland scents like “fresh laundry and the beach” and has a “simple, crisp, chic vision” (and unlike me, doesn’t stop to think “Mmmm crisps” half way through that statement). Lindsay who has been banging on about stepping up to the mark, steps back claiming she’s “not best at numbers”. Nurun claims she’s “OK with scent”. “We can all smell” Roisin snaps back before declaring that there should be “no passengers, covering arses or any of that rubbish” on this task.

It’s Market Research time and Lauren and Steven find out that you should never colour wax and you should definitely use soy candles and not paraffin for some bizarre reason. Unfortunately Katie seems to have forgotten she’s sent them out on this fact finding mission and decides to go for paraffin as it’s cheaper and easier to add a colour to, which pisses the Market Research team off no end when they find out.

So at the mad scientists perfumed ponces laboratory in Sussex, Katie is in crazy candle lady heaven as she incites her fellow fragranciers to sniff smelly things (oh for a beaker of pure ammonia like we had at school). “Has anyone smell the grass one?!” she squeals, the only problem being that it gives you the overwhelming urge to smell the biscuit one next. Anyhow she decides arbitrarily on a green tea base with lemon grass and aloe vera. And she wants it to be yellow. All they need is a name. Pamela thinks they need to “denote meaning to the candle”. Nobody suggests Wanky Piss. Lauren likes “Evoke”, Sarah goes for “Lemon Eyes” (because it’s a semicircle away from “Demon Eyes” and she is Satan’s handmaiden), Someone says “Yellow Submarine” and Dan suggests “British Breeze” because “We’re proud of being British” (even though, as it won’t contain soot or corrosive chemicals it has nothing in common with the sort of breeze Smoggie Katie is used to). Bizarrely they all go with Dan’s idea of a UKIP Candle, even though Nick Hewer points out, every ingredient of the scent is 100% foreign. They’ve created a candle full of immigrant scents!

Over on Summit, they’re brainstorming suggestions for their beached linen scent. Mark likes “Smells from the Surf” and even Karen winces at the image of petrol coated turds that evokes. Bianca chooses “Beach Dreams” and they stick it on some baby blue striped packaging and it actually looks kind of classy; if you are a complete mental who puts cushions with buttons on top of a bed for some unholy reason you would buy this.

Roisin carefully works out pricing strategy and suggests offering the product for £15 (which seems low seeing how pricy Yankee fuckin Candles are – sorry I have actually made and sold scented candles so have a vague idea about how much they cost to make) and reducing to £12 if the order is for 40-45 units.

Katie being a home fragger understands that nutters will pay big money for these products and suggests £35 per candle and £25 per diffuser. Ironically she has a better idea than the Irish accountant about margins on this task.
Nurun and Lauren sit back and watch the boys do hard sums about how to mix and make the candles and then watch Sanjay run the production line. Meanwhile James leads a sub sales team to meet Peter Griffin from Family Guy who is managing a posho hotel and manages, despite his “lovable oikiness”, to get him to commit to 25 each of the Beach Dreams candles and reed diffusers.

Daniel meets the boss of the “Home House Member’s Club” with a (urine) sample of “British Breeze” and offers a reduction on “bulk sale”. “What does bulk mean?” asks the beardy boss man, and Daniel suggest it’s up to 50 units. “We only have 21 bedrooms” beardy man reasons, but Daniel’s not budging too much and eventually offers a deal on 30. It’s a classical Mexican candle stand off until Steven politely coughs and offers 25 and Daniel, ironically given the product, looks fucking incensed! He tries to reclaim Alpha Male by then re-offering the bulk deal for 25 items, which is happily accepted, then beasts Steven when they get out. Steven’s adamant that Daniel “intimidated them” (he’s right) and “I saved the pitch” (who knows? Who cares, Steven is, as the yoot say, “jokes”), and Daniel whinges (“You’re deluded mate”).

Next morning the finished products arrived and Roisin’s smug about “Beach Dreams” which comes in tasteful little boxes. Katie’s ecstatic about “British Breeze” despite it turning up without boxes (they turn up later and are suitably None More Black) looking like something you might find in a pub toilet. Lauren’s disappointed by the colour (“I thought it would be creamier”), but Katie reckons “I would buy that” and Pamela pins down the price at maximum of £40 and not below £25.. lowest is £20″. Well that’s er clear.

Roisin wants someone confident with pricing and therefore makes James sub team sales leader. Unfortunately she gives our puppyish Northern entrepreneur massively mixed messages by suggesting she’s happy to go much lower than the agreed price and down to £10 if necessary, without outlining a strategy for when prices should be dropped. “I’ll use my initiative and play it by ear” says James. An unfortunately analogy from a man who doesn’t seem to enjoy listening.

Lauren leads Tenacity’s sub team selling in the city and immediately clashes with Stepford Sarah over the need to put the information stickers onto the candles but not to have a scary fembot do it right in front of potential customers (Sarah “I think customers like seeing people making things” Yes but not you. It might be a trap!). “Please listen” Lauren begs, but Sarah won’t let up whining “I am listening.. you’re so bossy!” Stepford Sarah struggles to sell and blames the prices (although the rest of her sales team seem to manage), but maybe approaching potential customers like a wonky replicant demanding that they “Smell my candle you mutha!” isn’t the best technique.

Karen does a mini card marking on Eager James who has put up a poster declaring RRP £45 at Greenwich Market, when they haven’t actually retailed the products before “So it is misleading”. The thing is I can see how this is just another mixed message to James who promptly goes all geezer barrow boy and starts selling 8 for a quid or something.

Katie’s team deliver their candles to the Home House Members Wankers who immediately start grizzling about the label not being on straight (haven’t these arseholes heard of “rustic”). Ella flails “Sorry, but maybe when you look at it in a room from a distance it’s not necessarily…” she withers under the beardy man’s glare. Fortunately Felipe is on the case and wheezes into the room with a replacement (Felipe says “The customer is always right”) and they close the sale for £500.

Roisin revises her pricing strategy (again) and tells her sales boys they can go as “low as £8” before selling half of her candles and ALL of the reed diffusers (oops) in a nice little gift shop for £8.50 each. Crazy lady. “Now we need smaller amounts sold for higher margins” declares sales drunk Roisin, before adding “I hope the girls get out and push it” (cue shot of poor Nurun trying her best to approach potential customers with a candle and them all scuttling away).

Eager James tries to chivvy poor Lindsay into stopping looking for more labels to stick on things and trying to do some selling, but you can tell she’s given up; “I have tried” she bleats. Let’s face it, James is hardly restricting pricing at his end (“A sale’s a sale; there’s no such thing as a bad profit”) and Karen Brady even clocks some of the team charging only a fiver a candle. I’m starting to suspect that Lindsay is a communist infiltrator bless her.

At an “exclusive” nightclub in Mayfair, Felipe is so impressed that they have candles that he manages to get an order for 50, whilst Ella Jade chips in and flogs a load of diffusers too for a total of £900.

Peter Griffin waits at the “Luxury Hotel” and whilst being surprised that candles can be in square glasses, still agrees to buy them and gets a further reduction for buying more. However he is disappointed at the lack of promised reed diffusers (all sold cheap to the gift shop by Roisin), which he would have probably paid decent money for and Bianca admits “that was an error on our part”.

Roisin needs stock for her next potential sale and discovers James only has 53 candles left and 2 diffusers, so orders him to “Pack up and come to Kensington” which he does, hilariously still flogging smellies on his way out of the market “Two for a tenner!”(“and take my pants with them”) etc. As Bianca’s about to close a deal on two diffusers at a nice shop in Kensington, Roisin interrupts it all to take a call from James who instructs her to “Leave it, we’ll sell more on the street”. And she does. The silly cow.

Lauren has over 100 candles left from the city market so they all up sticks and descend on a pub where Katie tries to persuade the barman that it would smell nice around the bar (Retort: “We like the smell of our beer”) and somehow manages to sell 5.

Eager James is like a mad half man half terrier possessed (think Steven Baldwin in the Usual Suspects, but more of a liability) as he tries to rush another bar man into buying all his motherfucking candles, as though they’re fire damaged or something. Despite this he somehow gets the sale and displays his professionalism by leaping out of the establishment with his “GET IN” fist pumpy madness action in full flow.

Back in the Boardroom, Lord Sugar points out this should have been a simple task and whilst he thinks Summit’s product looked “neat and quality” he’s disappointed by accountant Roisin’s inability to maintain control of the numbers.

He reckons “British Breeze” looks like a glass full of custard though and despairs at Katie’s ignorance towards the market research. Stepford Sarah gets stick for her inabilty to sell at the high end price (“Never mind Aloe Vera, sounds like Goodbye Sarah”).

James starts doing some weirdo swivelling exercises. “What are you doing?” growls Lord Sugar. “Sorry Lord Sugar!” James mumbles.

Anyhow the scores are:

Summit (“Beach Dreams”) Sales £2,177, spend £607 – profit £1569.32
Tenacity (“British Breeze”) Sales £2217, spend £633.26 – profit £1584.09

So Katie’s Tenacity won by £14.77 (and as Sugar points out, with spare stock to sell).

Whilst James stops doing his crazy “I’m fulling of selling energy me” type exercises, Tenacity are sent to a “laxury spa” to strip off and smear things on each other.

Summit hold a erm summit in the Sad Cafe. Roisin looks almost vampirically drains as she blames James for not sticking to margins, Lindsay for only selling one unit and Nurun for not doing much as a “market expert”.
Back in the Boardroom, Sugar reveals that the average selling price for Tenacity was £16, but was only £9 for Summit, suggesting panic selling. James wants to know how much of that was down to trade sales, but Sugar snaps “When I want to talk to you I’ll let you know” which of course means that James could well be this years “Sugar Surrogate Son”.

“You should have been on the money” Sugar berates accountant Roisin, and when Karen grasses up how cheap the diffusers were sold for in the gift shop he declares “it’s like selling caviar in a fish and chip shop”.
James tries to big up his sales prowess, but Sugar’s being a typical unimpressed dad “Any bladdy salesman can sell at half price!”, although Karen does grass Roisin up for saying “you can discount when you want”.

James isn’t helping himself by suggesting Lord Sugar would have done the same (“Young man, please don’t tell me what I would’ve done”, but he does point out Roisin’s inconsistency on the diffusers promised to the hotel for shit loads that she sold for eight quid a pop to the gift shop.

Nurun’s under scrutiny as Roisin’s chosen “Market Expert”. “Hang on a minute” she retorts “I don’t trade in Greenwich. I’m not a market expert in London. I’m from Peterborough here. ” Oh bless her. Doomed.

Lindsay tries to brazen out her role “I helped to create and to sell” but as soon as Mark attacks her as being “just an empty seat” she melts “I know I didn’t do very well… I’m best at sticking to what I know” (oh bless her) and cruelly, but rightly, she is fired for taking up someone else’s space. It’s almost like she threw herself on a sword to get away from some of the wankers amongst the candidates though.

Roisin chooses to bring back Nurun and James, who attempts to endear himself with Lord Sugar (dad!) by stating “What can I say? I’ve worked my absolute balls off” (well you can not say that for a start) and then when Lord Sugar starts trying to help his boy out (“You’re a young man, I admire your enthusiasm, but you need a lot of polishing”) and give him some guidance on Professional Ethics (“It’s not where Southend or Colchester is!”) chooses to play A) THE AGE CARD and B) I’M JUST A BARROW BOY ME CARD (“I was like you when I was my age”; Sugar: “Stop with the like me son, you’re not like me!”)

Lord Sugar tells Nurun that if she had lost last week she would have been gone, and she launches into an insaniac defensive speech “I am not your type A, Over Organised. I am your Type C” (I give up, are you Hepatitis?) “Relentlessly ambitious and erm 100% determined to erm be your business partner erm given the opportunity”. It goes on for a while and makes me sad because I like Nurun and she shouldn’t be reduced to effectively begging for a job in public like this.

James interrupts. “Just shut up!” barks Sugar. “Definitely Lord Sugar”, “You can’t even shut up NOW!” “Sorry”. The more James gets bollocked by Sugar. the squeakier he gets, but predictably, mid-James bollocking, Nurun is fired for just not being up to it, and James is told to just “LISTEN and pick up the bladdy phone” (typical Jewish dad). “Point taken” James whimpers.

In the taxi of eternal regrets, Nurun is only “a bit sad”, which speaks volumes, although she does think “James got lucky”. Oh his time will come.

Back at the house most of the boys are surprised to see James appear and declare “We live to meet again!” (eh!), but he’s a new man now (“Reality check – bit more of this” (points to brain)”bit less of this” (points to mouth) “and I think I’ll be alright”. “We’ve been saying that all along” sigh the boys collectively.

Next week the teams have to create their own online video channel. Which should be the best episode so far. Creativity and egos and idiots. What fun!

Liking:
Felipe
Lauren
Solomon
Bianca

Girlfriend don’t even go there:
Steven

Tolerating:
Katie
Roisin (still think she will win)
Ella
Eager James (just about)

Zzzzzz
Pamela
Sanjay
Jemma (has she actually done anything yet? Maybe she will win by stealth)

Bit of a Dick:
Mark

Twathoosive arseholes:-
Stepford Sarah
Daniel

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun

Replicants Identified So far:-
Roisin (Paltrow Pleasure Model), Sarah (Darryl Hannah/ Grayson Perry Mash-up Model)

Week 2 dawns at an unholy 5.20am, and the remaining 19 twatsecutives have to meet Lord Sugar at Imperial College in 20 minutes, but screw them, I’m on my second blog in two days and already hallucinating flying lizards.

Sarah’s frighteningly already in a full Thatcher outfit (maybe she sleeps in it) and “really hoping the next Project Manager will do as well as er” she thinks she did.

The candidates blink like insomniac meerkats as Lord Sugar instructs them to come up with an innovative idea in wearable technology and pitch it to 3 retailers, with the team with most orders winning.

Robert’s card is clearly marked as Sugar points out as a poncy Shoreditch wankster this task should be up his street (“Whilst I don’t want to choose a Project Manager you may want to think about that”). Robert immediately looks for an way out and suggests to the rest of Summit that he is actually “more luxury high end retail”, before urging Scott to step forward in his stead.

Meanwhile the women have to decide how to replace the divine Decadence of their former team name. Jemma Bird suggests “Tenacity” or “Pursuit” and as long as the team” 100% know what it means”, Tenacity it is. Bianca is revealed to have fashion retail experience, but wimps out by saying she was only issuing orders, not designing. Um. Nurun is then outed for having a scarf stall, and Katie says she “personally thinks” Nurun is the “strongest person”. Clearly terrified of letting people down, poor Nurun volunteers.

The teams get to meet an industry expert, who explains that wearable technology needs to be “beautiful and functional” whilst showing off a miniskirt with flashing LEDs on it, which make it look like an uglier version of Priscilla Presley’s sexy negligee in the Naked Gun films.

Scott, however, doesn’t seem to understand the remit and suggests a device to moniter peoples diets and what’s happening inside their bodies. Nothing sells like knowing your own shit! The boys all start shouting over him, and end up going for Sanjay’s idea of a T-Shirt that changes design according to photos taken on a smartphone.

Tenacity in the meantime go for jackets, as Lindsay informs them that “all women are wearing jackets”. Someone suggests a jacket that changes colour on all occasions and Nurun is too nice to say no. Someone else suggests a jacket with solar panels and a built in mobile phone charger and Nurun is too nice to say no. Someone else suggests a jacket woven from unicorns with a built in breast inflator which would cure the sick. Well you get the picture.

It’s off to the streets for some vainglorious market research, where Bianca interviews Smeeta Smitten Showbiz Kitten, who would frankly adore the idea of a jacket with a lapel that changed colour. Meantimes Katie tells Nurun she would like a jacket with a built in temperature sensor that heats up when you’re cold and resolves the Middle East crisis and Nurun concurs politely. Ella Jade wants the jacket to be magic and have a built in mobile phone charger because that won’t look mental, and Nurun adds it to the list. Biance tries to inject some sanity with her market research results and concerns that they will end up with a garment that is trying to be “all things to all people”. Nurun adds “be all things to all people to the list”. Unfortunately the design man informs them they are only allowed 4 innovative ideas per jacket and Nurun is forced to make the decision. Only for Bianca to ask how the inbuit solar panels will work from under the material. Um…

Sanjay runs the focus group and calls back to Robert (who appears to be backseat driving and insists “What you’ve found, we’re resonating with”). All the other blokes suddenly realise Robert is a massive tool and Scott is a useless Hibernian lump, but Dan warns them not to “stoop to their level”. Unfortunately the designer tells the lads that the selfie friendly T shirt has already been done when they were 4 (James moans “we spent the last half a day on that idea!” Oh the humanity!) , so they have to either just have LEDs scattered around the garment (which would be shit) or come up with something else (which will probably also be shit). James comes up with the idea of adding a little camera to the sweatshirt to record one’s daily movements, and the designer (sick bastard) says that this is do-able. Sanjay redeems the LEDs by requesting that they be arranged to flash and say “On Air” whilst the nonce, I mean wearer, is filming playgrounds or ladies toilets. Scott has somehow forgotten the first rule of teamwork (whilst you’re away everyone will call you a cunt).

The boys take delivery of the “Emotishirt”, and although Felipe thinks the flashing lights are a bit too “Christmas Tree”; Nick Hewer is frankly gobsmacked that the men may have come up with an idea that isn’t actually as shit as Lord Sugar’s email phones. Still Dan muties against Scott, who’s already starting to take on an unfortunate David Moyes pallour. Rob gets some stick for backseat driving and not leading, but he insists he’s all about Super Luxury High End Fashion when in reality he’s all about being a super, deluxe massive bell end.

Sadly the girls get a Dear John letter from their designers explaining there’s been a delay in producing the prototypes, so it looks like they’ll have to pitch blind (having seen the prototyoe this would be a blessing). Finally the “Little Smart Jacket” arrives complete with Alexis Carrington on speed shoulder solar panel, which all the girls bitch about apart from the ever cheery Jemma (“It could just look like stripes”).

Social Media Specialist Solomon (the team think this means he is a Sheldon Cooperesque Man of Science) delivers the first pitch to the famously lootable sports outlet, explaining they didn’t want a hidden camera top “which might be a bit creepy”.

Ella pitches that “this garment essentially solves 3 problems; The British Weather, Charging Your Phone and helping you attract someone you like, as long as they are a bit insane. Sarah of curse does the modelling, forcing the blokes from JD sports to feel her suspiciously pert mummified boobs and in turn feel “Slightly awkward”.

Daniel is a self appointed “Selling Machine” yet somehow manages to pitch that he would never go out and about in a public place in this product (“Yes it does look a bit Christmassy, Yes it does make me look like a nonce, Yes I wouldn’t be seen dead in it” is a new sales technique on me). James intervenes heplfully by suggesting you could film your mates at the pub and Daniel stupidly totally misses this helping hand (“He’d do that; I wouldn’t”). On the way to John Lewis (as though they should ever get any more advertising after that xmas ad), Scott asks Daniel how the pitch went. “Outstanding” fibs Daniel and Mark grasses him up. Dan justifies himself by claiming that he said he wouldn’t wear the Emotishirt in a public place at NIGHT”. Oh yes, the daytime would be just fine. In a park, outside a school, nothing weird about it”.

Nurun pitching is like watching a hamster dying. She’s asked if the solar channels on the jacket would charge the phone battery. She isn’t sure. Correct answer would have been “Well the way they look, they had fucking better”.

Scott splits the last pitch amongst his team, but suddenly Robert is Mr Leadership and keeps interrupting yelling scary things like “Privacy is History!”

Back in the boadroom, Jemma Bird is full of herself for suggesting Tenacity, but poor Nurun gets flack for her lamearse leadership, although as she points out, running an Asian scarf stall hardly qualified her for the role (“If it was a turban with a cold regulartor or a burka that changes colour, that would be my remit”). Bianca gets called out for stitching Nurun up, given her background in fashion.

Rob is confronted over his failure to rise to Lord Sugar’s challenge, but he’s above this task (“The High Street isn’t the area I want to go into business in… if the price was £5K”; Sugar: I think you bottled it”).

Time to compare Orders:-
John Lewis didn’t order off either team, with the girls jacket needing too many modifications and the boy’s product being “questionable”. JD Sports also failed to order. Finally the online retailer, used to getting money for old rope, ordered 250 of the girls products, despite hating them (maybe they were pissed, lets face it that’s how we order online products) and amazingly there’s still no orders for the boys.

The girls win by an inch, and Sarah and Lindsay especially get their cards marked. They’re all sent to fly above Surrye Docks in jetpacks whilst David Blunket goes Clay Pigeon shooting at their arses.

Back in the Bridge cafe, the boys sip at their polysterene cups of despair . Mark explains how their concept was wrong (“It was a camera in a grey jumper”; which probably works for paedos).

In the boardroom, Dan’s pitch comes in for stick, but he insists he corrected himself. Never mind Tenacity, James is like a terrier on Dan’s case. But rather brilliantly Lord Sugar doesn’t even wait for Scott to decide who to bring back and randomly fires Robert just to wipe the smirk off his beard.

In the taxi of eternal damnation, Rober justifies refusing to have leadership thrust upon him by explaining again how he’s into “Luxury fashion.. it’s like saying you can ride a canoe, but can you ride a £250 luxury yacht off Cannes”. Actually neither Robert. You paddle or sail them. Twat.

Scott meantime dithers who to bring back, and Karen loses her rag with him (“If you spent less time covering your arse might get names”) so after he brings Daniel (for being shit at pitching to anyone who isn’t a senile old lady) and Solomon (for knowing about the internet, which is sort of technology: “I think I’m being jumped on here”) Sugar just fires him too, despite Scott insisting for the umpeenth time of the day that he has “Put his balls on the line”. Well Lord Sugar has just danced on those balls. Brilliant.

The rest of the “shambles” are sent back to the house, with Solomon recognised for having some good ideas but being told to man up.

“I dan’t know what’s going on with these boys” moans Sugar ” but they need to pull their socks up”.
Back at the house, Dan can’t resist bitching at James (“Happy to see me?”) and blows him a triumphant kiss. Oh James has to get to wave goodbye to Daniel first.

Next week the teams produce Home Fragrance Products. So that’s Bullshit by Tenacity and Desperation by Summit. Get your Christmas orders in now.

Liking:
Linsday
James
Nurun
Bianca
Felipe
Lauren
Solomon

Tolerating:
Katie
Roisin (I still think she’s evil though, which means she will probably win)
Ella

Zzzzzz
Pamela
Sanjay
Jemma

Missing his Sass Tonight:
Steven

Bit of a Dick:
Daniel
Scott
Mark

Still a huge TWAT:-
Stepford Sarah

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert

Strap yourself in, set your mobile phones to stun and fire yourself up like a field full of ponies for the first instalment of this year’s season of The Apprentice, as the latest hapless gang of power dressing shitclowns troop into Lord Sugar’s lair looking to win the chance to do his filing, cut his toenails and lick his testicles for £250K. Our favourite bollock headed barrow boy turned peer continues the equine theme by announcing he’s looking for “Red Rum, not some fairground donkey”. He’d be lucky to get a dead horse out of this lot.

“I walk the walk, I talk the talk, I dence the dence” announces square-headed humour vacuum Mark Wright, channelling Chris De Burgh.

“I am an Alpha male I can make women do what I want… and some men” boasts Daniel Lassman. Just reading his BBC profile made my twatometer explode. This is a man who runs pub quizzes in Essex and describes himself as ‘Lover of banter’. I describe him as a massive bell-end.

I’d really wanted to like Steven Ugoalah when he listed his occupation as “Social Worker”, but any hopes of him posessing a glimmer of humanity dissolved when I read the rest of his profile where he says things like “I think I’m perfect” and “I can deliver in Minus 50. I can deliver in Plus 10” (that just means you can deliver in Minus 40 then, fool). “I’m not arrogant” he smarms, arrogantly, before it transpires that when he says “social worker” he actually runs a “social company” whatever the fuck that is, and lived in the arctic, presumably dealing with bi-polar bears. However he does want to use the winnings to (rather laudably) start up a home for people with learning disabilities, and he turns out to be hilariously flouncy and passive aggressive throughout the episode, so he must stay in.

Robert Goodwin however is an irredeemable, and impossibly tall, delusional wannabe hipster snob (“My worst nightmare is getting to age 50 and only being on a 50 grand salary with a four year old Toyota”) with stupid hair and a coy merkin on his chin. “People look at me, 6 foot 7, a bit lanky wearing stupid colour clothes… I couldn’t give a shit!” he drawls. Oh Robert. You’re so cool! Your mum’s going to see you swearing on telly and cut off your pocket money, you overgrown cuntmonkey. Robert is a “global sports nutrition manager”. Maybe he sells lucozade from a van?

As a special 10th year surprise, Sugar mixes things up by calling in 4 extra idiots to the boardroom and making our heads collectively explode trying to remember which arsehole said which deadeningly stupid thing for the rest of the show. Sadly the extra 4 aren’t the PG Tips chimps, as all bets would be off. So now we have 20 fucking candidates, but Sugar reminds them that the process still lasts 12 weeks so he might just fire the lot of them and sod off on a Beano to Margate in week 9 or something.

Sugar picks on enthusiastic Northerner James Hill for listing his nickname as Del Boy (“You do realise he wasnt a success?”, before turning his beady eyes on Columbian Layer Felipe Alviar-Baquero. “You’ve done some terrible jobs.. it says here you advised Arsenal”. Poor Felipe hasn’t done his homework, “Is great football club” he insists. Spurs fan Sugar arches an eyebrow, “Really?”

Scott McCulloch who I also had on my potential twat list already, compounds this by describing himself as a “mix between Ghandi and the Wolf of Wall Street” (maybe he likes wearing sandals and snorting cocaine off prostitutes?). Nice but dull animal lover (did she say “80%” of her animals are “sheep”? Are they mutants?) Ella Jade Bitton wants to make “documentaries which will benefit the greater good”. Zzz.

The first task is to sell a selection of all the products teams have had to flog in the last ten years of the Apprentice; fish, sausages, coffee, T-shirts, flowers and a shitload of lemons -who have to pick up the products from Leadenhall Market (ho ho!). Sugar reminds the teams it’s about getting the highest price and “not a fire sale”, as though they’ll actually pay some attention.

It’s traditional “boys versus girls” and Mark whispers to Felipe that they should keep “sales people selling and get a manager to manage”. “You sell, I manage” Felipe repeats. Oops. Well volunteered Felipe. “We’re going to back you 100% ” Mark gushes. Felipe looks nervous and talks about himself in the third person.

I had Sarah Dales earmarked as an extreme irritant, someone I’d be about as likely to like as a UKIP voting Giant Spider with ebola, and she doesn’t disappoint. After wheeling out the tired cliche of being able to sell snow/ice to the eskimos, she totally ignores the boys sensible strategy of letting sellers sell by electing herself as Project Manager for the girls. She wins hearts and minds by declaring “We will sell because we are female and females are more attractive to look at”, before suggesting they all wear high heels and miniskirts for the tasks. Somewhere a Pankhurst’s coffin starts to creak.

Bianca Miller and Lauren Riley look suitably unimpressed. I was worried Bianca might be a bit the TV equivalent of a soothing mug of Horlicks, as according to the BBC blurb she lives by the motto ‘it’s nice to be important, but it’s important to be nice’, and sees Oprah Winfrey as a role model, but I’m liking these early signs of insurrection in the face of Stepford Sarah’s nonsense. “I haven’t brought a mini skirt” Bianca insists firmly. Sarah looks at her like she’s an alien. “Well half can dress up as long as the other half look semi average” she offers, to more endearing “What the fuck faces” from Bianca and Lauren.

The teams coo over the magnolia hell hole they have to share for the next 12 weeks (“No shower curtain!” squeals one of the dismayed boys; my money’s on it being Steven or Robert being bitten by austerity in the bathroom).

The boys choose their team name. Robert likes “Dynamic”, Daniel likes “Viper” because it’s “short and sharp” and he can pretend he’s a fucking ninja or something. Daniel suggests “Summit”; Northern James is unimpressed (“It sounds like going to the shops for summit”), but Daniel is adamant. “Summit has never been done. Have you ever heard of a company called Summit?”, James: “There’s a reason for that”. For some(it) reason, Daniel gets his way. “There’s no “i” in team, but there are 5 “i”s in “individual brilliance” he crows. Idiot.

Nurun Ahmed, mother of two and carer for her father likes the team name “Decadence” (well I suppose it is a word often associated with capitalism), but asks the rest of the team for a definition. Another token Northerner, Katie Bulmer-Cooke, likes the name “Grafters”, but the very word makes Stepford Sarah think of dirt under fingernails and makes her vomit internally, so she declares that she prefers Decadence as it’s “so much more elegant and feminine”. Ugh!
The following market we get our first GPS (gratuitous pants shot, I think it’s James), whilst Stepford Sarah checks her team are wearing high heels. Oirish Pamela Uddin suggests that it might be better to focus on strategy. “That’s important too” cedes Sarah, “but bring some nice make-up”. For fuck’s sake.

Sarah’s strategy is to maximise profit on lemons by cutting them up “into small slices” and selling them like that to dainty city ladies with scurvy or something. Fortunately her team eventually shout down her mad obsession with chopped lemon. Unfortunately all the shouting is “really confusing” Sarah now, and she randomly divides the teams based on the height of their heels and hemlines rather than any skills they might have.

Felipe is a slightly more hardcore manager and insists the team put their hands up if they want to talk. Robert wants to appeal to cool Shoreditch twats by selling them poshed up hotdogs (“I’m very good with logistics”). Steven’s “very concerned” that Felipe has made the wrong choice. Dan asks if he can say something. Felipe he say no.

Robert drags Felipe off to the horrific sounding Planet Organic supermarket to waste valuable potential lunchtime sales by swanning around looking at tubs of guacamole made out of hyperlocally sourced mucus. “Do we have no cheese?” wails Felipe. Trust me mate, you’ve got plenty on your team.

The other Oirish woman, Roisin Hogan (a Gwnnie Paltrow-alikely who I decided might be evil from her BBC profile, but actually seems halfway competent) leads the girls breakaway team brainstorming T-shirt designs with Ella and Katie, who comes up with the design HashtagLondon (or is that #London? I’d prefer the former), whilst Sarah leads her part of the team selling flowers and coffee at the marker. Poor Lindsay Booth gets saddled making the coffee, presumably because Sarah has decided she isn’t fragrant enough to talk to punters without a burka on. Lindsay’s getting a tad pissed off and rebellious. “Are you going to make any coffee?” she harrumphs. “No” says Sarah firmly. “I’m project managing this whole task”. Unfortunately the very important project manager has royally screwed up by not giving any cash to Roisin to pay for the tea shirts. Give her credit, she takes full responsibility for messing up selling time in her apologetic call to Roisin, who doesn’t want to “put the boot in to Sarah” but promptly puts the boot in by, once she’s hung up, declaring her leadership to be “error after error”.

Whilst Robert is still fucking shopping for gourmet ingredients at Planet Hoxton Git, Chiles Cartwright leads the boys second team to get the T shirts printed and sell fish and potatoes. Oh come on, he’s called Chiles. He has to be a dick. Did his parents name him after Adrian? For someone who describes himself on the BBC profile as “the Golden Boy of his family”, I shudder to think what second rate, potato faced TV presenters his poor siblings have been christened after (“Holmes”?, “Turnbull”, “Clarkson”?) Or maybe his parents are Sarf Efrican and couldn’t spell Charles? Anyhow he and his team run manfully yet haplessly towards the printers (“Who’s got the address?”) before realising they’ve forgotten the T-shirts and having to run back, fish flying all over the shop. Back at the printers, the boys realise they haven’t an arsing clue what slogan to print on the T-shirts, so Chiles decides to try some inspirational brainstorming. “Right, you’ve got 30 seconds to think of one idea each then pitch it”. Tick tick tick. Silence. Oh Chiles. To make this gambit work you really have to pull an Uzi out. James eventually offers the lame “Buy this T-shirt”, and as nobody else has thought of anything better than a drawing of a phallus, they go for it. Steven’s all for staying in the same area and selling the potatoes to a local shop he says is “famous for selling mashed potatoes” (Probably Mr East End Stereotype’s Eel and Pie shop, where Pamela has already been haggled down to £7 a pack for spuds), but NotAdrian Chiles overrides him and insists that they all go miles away so it’s really difficult for them to come back later for the T-shirts.

It’s 1.45pm, and Shoreditch is greeted by Dan in a hotdog outfit asking people if they’re hungry. The people of Shoreditch check their internal “Post-ironic or shit or Dom Joly” sensors and walk past Dan as though he’s a wanking tramp (“What do you mean you didn’t notice me? I’m wearing a hotdog outfit!”). Meanwhil Roisin just flogs all the girls sausages to a cafe for £178. Easy.

At 2.30pm – Mark tries to flog balloons to a kids party company, but insists his team members “don’t talk over the top of me” as it proper twists his selling melon. “We often use other companies” the company bloke says. James interjects helpfully “You probably have to pay a premium”. Mark’s incensed “James! James! James! I’ll do the talking”. James’s puppyish enthusiasm for trying to make more money surfaces at their other pitches, and Chiles apologises as patronisingly as possible (“He’s a Northerner… he’s a bit confused. He’d sell his own grandmother”). “We want to make a profit, don’t we?” witters James as Chiles locks him into the boot of the hire car.

Poor Lindsay is still brewing up and going increasingly mental at being “The Grafter” of the team. “Was that your sale?” she asks an increasingly smug Sarah, “Then you come and help with the coffees”. Sarah pulls a face like a lipsticked cat’s arse. “I’m project manager I’m afraid” she wafts, dishing out spending money to the returning satellite team so they can finally go across time and collect their T-shirts. But guess what, they won’t be able to get back and sell them, so Roisin tries to get the printer to buy them at £4 a pop. The wily printer offers £50 for the lot. “We were going to sell them for a tenner each” whines Ella Jade. “Yeah, but you didn’t though” smirks the printer. Ella Jade manages to up the price to £60 by including the coat hangers. Wooh.

Chiles phones Felipe and offers a choice. The T-shirts are 1.5 hours away, but Chiles has an appointment to sell the spuds. Felipe is all about the T-shirts, but somehow Chiles ends up heading to his potato rendevous. Steven is getting very twitchy (“If I was you I would turn around and get the T-Shirts”; Chiles “You’re not helping”; Steven *throws a hissy fit*). “Get a grip!” snaps Chiles, but Steven is incapable. “Ooh no problem” he flounces, “I’m being very supportive”. I feel bad for how much Steven is making me laugh.

Bizarrely Sarah dragging girls to Penguin Beach at London Zoo to try and sell cleaning products for £250 to bemused Zoo Staff, by modelling the marigolds and banging the cleaning brush against a bucket to demonstrate sturdiness. “Excuse me but why the actual fuck are you doing this?” they ask politely (I paraphrase). “Because I love the zoo” Sarah gushes. “Erm are they environmentally friendly?” Zoo man asks warily. Sarah tries to look thoughtful by blinking a bit, “Er I think so” before helpfully adding “They are plastic so I wouldn’t like to see them near penguins.”

“Do you think you did a great pitch” Pamela asks, amused, as they trudge off still carrying unsold buckets and mops. “I thought I did” Sarah simpers.

If only the boys had a supply of Mace and rape alarms to flog whilst Felipe (“Hello ladies!”) and Dan (“Do you have a boyfriend? Do you want one?”) try to thrust flowers on unlucky passing women. The other boys are exploited as cheap labour by a restaurant they demonstrate the cleaning products to by cleaning their windows for free (not at all taking the piss shop bloke: “You missed a spot over here guys”).

At the all important potato pitch, James pitches for Summit (“These are Paris Miper” *hurried whispers* “Erm Maris Piper. And I want £150 for the lot”, Chef: “Erm what?!!”. Steven tries to help with the worlds shittest Jedi mind trick (holding up a spud and declaring “this is not just a potato, it’s an experience”), but the chef is still only prepared to pay £75 “final offer”. Mark offers to throw in the wheelbarrow and James shakes on £75, at which point Mark is convinced it’s his sale as it’s all about the wheelbarrow.

Trading ends at 7pm, and all the girls agree that Sarah was a Disastrous Project Manager.

Chiles has to admit he failed to sell (or even collect) the T-shirts, but when James asks Felipe how much he made, their PM hangs up.

So in the morning it’s boardroom time and finally we hear from Solomon Akhtar (he liked Felipe as a project manager). That’s it from Solomon for this week!

The girls look smug when they hear the boys failed to sell any T-shirts, although the boys laugh at the girls for paying £150 for printing the T-shirts then selling them to the printers to £60.

Lovely Nick Hewer points out that the word “Decadence” is associated with “Decay, decline moral turpitude” (Sarah “It wasn’t just my idea!”, Nurun “I was just playing with the word “Decade” (what?)) and Lord Sugar decides they come up with a less shit name with a “logical meaning” like Infidel, Douche or Weiners.

Sarah explains how she brainstormed ideas with the team and gauged their individual personalities before splitting the teams whilst the girls cause a mini tornado with their tutting and head shaking. “I was Project Manager” she insists, “That was my duty. I said to erm…” she looks blankly at Jemma Bird, although I suppose given the amount of Bird action we saw tonight, Sarah could be forgiven for forgetting her.

Anyhow here’s the scores:-

Summit
Felipe’s team made £366.70
Chiles’ team made £340
Total 696.70

The Team Formerly known as Decadence
Roisin’s team made £312
Sarah’s team made £441.50
Total £735.50

So Sarah has a flukey escape and the girls are sent to a “VIP capsule” on the London Eye (Austerity bites again) because nothing says “treat” like forcing jollity and holding in farts for 25 minutes whilst going around in a perspex pod. Sarah declares a “toast to winning”. Lindsay looks like she’s imagining snapping Sarah’s neck.

It’s back to the lovely Bridge cafe back, and due to the massive team size the boys are on polystrene cups rather than mugs (Austerity bites part 3). Chiles slags Steven off for being negative and Felipe rather gullibly takes this back to the Boardroom, claiming that the entire task failed as Steven was “disruptive”. Steven is wonderfully outraged in a camp, passive aggressive, Canadian way. Robert also gets flack for poncing about with the sausages (so to speak) when they would have sold plain.

Scott has done sod all tonight and it’s duly noted (Sugar: “More poodle of Petticoat Lane than Wolf of Wall Street”).

Daniel says Steven’s responsible for the task failure and Steven launches another megaflounce (“Do NOT say I am responsible. I’m a scapegoat” etc etc). Sugar looks on (“He is an irritant, no question of it”), before “respectfully” requesting Steven to “SHUT UP – you’re your own worse enemy”. Hilariously, although Steven has shut up, he still has the gift of interpretive mime, and shakes his head dramatically when Sugar refers to allegations he is disruptive.

Felipe is warned about not bringing people for the wrong reason so rather cannily brings back Chiles and Robert (although to be honest, bringing back Steven might have been even cannier after all that). It turns out Chiles sold arse all. Robert goes on about being “edgy” and according to Sugar is all about “Shorefitch yuppy, arty, farty bollocks” (as Tony Cowards pointed out, THAT would make a sellable T-shirt in Shoreditch!).

Felipe blames Chiles over TShirtGate and Rob for telling him to buy dickheady ingredients (cue big girly sighs from Rob “We DISCUSSED it!”). Sugar says he’s disapponted by Chiles as he thought he was a man with business experience but he made fundamental errors (here’s a clue Lord Sugar – he was called CHILES), and although he tries to milk the firing bit, ultimately Chiles and his shit forename have to go home.

However Sugar raises the spectre of a double firing, although you know it’s a bluff and both of them get “the benefit of the doubt” (at which Robert melodramtically throws his head into his hands, something that definitely looks sillier the taller the person doing it, but at least it distracts from the fact he’s pooed his pants).

In the Taxi of Here’s What You Could’ve Won, Chiles is gutted, but stands by his decisions (to not listen to the annoying man who was actually right then), and Robert and Felipe return to the house, to limited rejoicing.
Next week the teams have to come up with wearable technology and hissy fits ensue (surprise surprise). I’m voting for those exploding Battle Royale II Death Collars.

Anyhow here is the ridiculously long list of candidates:
Liking:
Linsday
James
Nurun
Bianca
Felipe

Tolerating:
Katie
Roisin (I still think she’s evil though, which means she will probably win)
Ella

Who are they again?
Lauren
Solomon
Pamela

Laughing at (but not with, sorry):
Steven

Bit of a Dick:
Daniel
Scott
Mark

Really Massive Gobshites
Stepford Sarah
“Edgy” Robert

Unforgettable:-
Jemma Bird

Um does he actually exist?:
Sanjay Sood-Smith

Bye Bye:-
Chiles