Week 4, and we learn that Solomon likes to have Felipe tie his tie on for him before he’s bothered to don a shirt (not that I’m complaining, but did he use to be in The Chippendales or something?).
The candidates assemble at a relic of the East Ends fading Victorian glory, who incidentally is in Wilton’s Music Hall. Ella hopes it’s to do with entertainment as her “passion is in film and producing documentaries” and everyone looks bored. Sarah looks faintly worried that she’ll catch something unsavoury from the ageing building.
Lord Sugar points out that whilst Wilton’s in it’s heyday was where everyone went, “now all you need is one of these” (he pulls out a worryingly sweat smeared smart phone) “to access online entertainment” and instructs the line to create a Youtube video channel to go live for 48 hours, with the most views winning (as that translates into advertisers being annoying bastards and ruining the start of the videos).
There’s more jiggery pokery as Silent Jemma is moved onto Summit, with “Internet man” Solomon chosen by Sugar as Project Manager, and the remainder of the team consisting of Roisin, Bianca, James, Sanjay and Mark.
Ella Jade (who’s business idea involves online films) is told to lead Tenacity (with Steven, Daniel , Felipe ,Katie, Lauren, Stepford Sarah, Pamela).
Pamela’s very keen to point out her previous experience in making online adverts (“We did great one in work for hand cream with rugby players” – Oo-bladdy-err!) but Ella Jade is determined to impose her creative will (“My strategy is to be me. I am who I am. I am Ella Jade”) no matter how bollocks it may be.
Tenacity work on devising a catchy concept, and Ella Jade confesses she has no social media experience (oops). However Katie has experience of being in front of the camera for videos advertising her fitness business, so everyone immediately latches onto the idea of fitness videos being a stunningly great idea that will really attract the sort of people who stay up late popping pringles and yawning down gallons of wine to watch Youtube vids.
The ideas come staggering in, with everyone rolling eyes as Steven over-earnestly suggests “”secrets of keeping fit” and “pumping iron” as concept names. Felipe suggests “Daddy Fit in a Week” (a guide for kids to unleashing their parents epilectic potential?) and everyone settles on “Fat Daddy’s Fitness Hell” (which Lauren pulls a disgusted face at). Ella chooses Katie and Felipe to star on account of their Hollywood-esque charisma (“Katie, you have banter”) but insists that she directs, despite Pamela shooting her evils. She says she sees Sarah as “organised” (transl. A mad bitch) so asks her to ensure her subteam, led by Lauren keep to deadlines.
Technological entrepreneur Solomon looks onto a winner on Summit with his obvious experience of social media and suggests a “Blindfolded food challenge (with no knives obviously)”, adding that he wants “To bring Lord Sugar into the future by connecting him with the kids of today”, even though that sort of thing only really happened in the 1970s. Jemma comes up with “Dare To Dine” as the name for a light hearted foodie channel and Roisin is chosen to “as she’s a girl to be in the video” calmly ignoring Solomon’s accidential theSexism, to his relief by saying she thinks she’d do well. James is chosen to be the dickhead in the video (“Roisin’s like the mother figure, I’m like the funny, childish one”). Solomon points out that James needs to actually make people laugh (“No pressure”). It doesn’t start well as he tits around with an Apron over his bare torso ranting on about how he can eat a chicken in “two seconds” to Roisin, who looks like his carer, whilst Nick Hewer observes with a full on “who farted?” facial expression.
Over on Tenacity Katie puts Felipe (“I am a fat daddy”) through his paces with sparring and star jumps, whilst Ella Jade busies herself with preventing Pamela from making any helpful directorial contributions (Pamela: “I am extremely concerned”). Back at headquarters, Lauren’s sub team try to design the look of the channel and opt for a graphic of poor Felipe going from fat to thin (because Katie was all about “the journey” and not the one from pub to kebab shop). Dan worries it might offend people (“I wouldn’t watch a video if it said ‘fat'”), but rather than express those concerns to Ella Jade, Lauren slams him down (“That’s a problem you have with the concept, but we’ve already come up with that name”).
Summit film another video where James muppets around covered in flour like a Bromide version of The Postman Always Rings Twice.
Ella Jade shoots the second Tenacity video whilst Joe Wicks, fitness coach, a cross between a flopsy haired hipster and a complete bastard, yells motivational abuse at Felipe (“Come on fat Daddy, burn that fat! Let’s turn that gut into a set of abs. What do you mean you’ve only done 6 sit-ups? That’s why you’re Fat Daddy!”). Lauren’s subteam Skype with Youtube stars, fitness twat duo “Lean Machine”, who agree to appear in Tenacity’s final video and do virtual highfives, making me want them to be maimed in a hideous rowing machine disaster.
Mark, for Summit, takes the choosing of an “online partner” much more seriously (as though he’s on Thaibrides.com or something) and is keen on Barry Lewis (who looks like someone who’s been chucked out by his mum at the age of 40 and now lives on ready meals in a bedsit), who has had an amaayzing 3000 views since posting his last video online yesterday. Mark is impressed or maybe it is just pity.
Next up is 19 year old annoyant and food blogger Ollie who boasts that 90% of his audience are girls and that he’s had up to 12.5 million views per video posted. Bizarrely Mark thinks Ollie might be too young (for t’internet) and angsts about the split of women in his audience rather than the number of views. Even Bianca, who admits Barry only has 75,000 subscribers, thinks the older man is “more credible”. Fortunately Solomon sees sense and insists that they “100% need to go for the views”. Mark gets all passive aggressive (“It falls on his head now”) and admits he “didn’t want to make that decision” because he is clearly an idiot. He gets on with putting the description text together for the channel which all sounds a bit Peter Kay “garlic? bread?” (“Have you ever eaten grass that tastes of lemons?”).
Daniel reminds Sarah that she needs to manage timekeeping, as Tenacity’s subteam are now hopelessy behind. Sarah gets all hissy (“Don’t blame me. I’m not Project Manager!”) and Lauren basically forgets to put a name, description or trailer on the channel, much to Ella Jade’s chagrine. Lauren bites the bullet and apologises for her omission. Sarah says “Don’t blame me” a few times more. Ouch though. It’s going to look like some sort of specialist “feeder porn” with people tuning in only to find out who really is the Fat Daddy.
Submit view the first video and the food based intro for “Dare to Dine” looks reasonably professional, although Nick Hewer is disappointed by the “frankly young” sense of humour, which will never work on the internet obviously. “Millions have got to find it funny not just the odd nutcase”. Oh Nick!
“Fat Daddy’s Fitness Hell” is viewed in silence. “I actually don’t think that’s too bad” pipes up Katie consolingly, whilst Pamela resists punching her and settles for condemning the video as “Middle of the Road” which clearly upsets Ella Jade’s artist sensibilities (“It’s very easy for everyone to put the blame on you as soon as something goes wrong”). Pam’s griping does get her the job of filming the last video whilst Steve gets the job of pitching to Buzzfeed. Sarah looks down sadly. “What would you like me to do? I just feel I’m not being included in a lot here”. Yup there’s a reason for that love. Sarah doesn’t know if Ella Jade “feels threatened by me” but she’s “taking it quite personally” and declares herself in charge of answering questions at the pitch.
Jenna gets the responsibility of ensuring that 19 year old food-embryo Ollie endorses the Summit “Dare to Dine” brand at the end of the final video, and she does ask, but it’s not clear whether he does this on camera or whether he’s just going to tweet it (an attempt perhaps to make the result look less clear cut, but if he’s got 12.5 million subscribers, he should have a reasonable following on thatTwitter too).
Solomon and his subteam pitch to Buzzfeed and Mark tells them how they’re “bringing fun into the kitchen” before playing a video which the lady and smug speccy twat of Buzzfeed fail to laugh at completely. Bianca claims the videos are pitched at the “18-30 age demographic” whilst on the video James gurns and squeals like a toddler who’s found a forbidden stash of Sunny Delight. Buzzfeed tell them it looks great, but think the audience would be younger (“about 8 to 10 years”). Hmm have students really matured so much since the wonderful “Get Stuffed” or are drugs simply not as good anymore (probably the latter). Mind you I thought “Big Chef Little Chef” was comedy genius when I was in my 30s, but I still don’t think James was funny. After a brisk “we’ll let you know” Summit leave with speccy twat finally cracking a chuckle as they’re on their way out. Bianca confides that she managed to read speccy’s writing and he’d written “KILL JAMES” (I really hope he’d written it over and over again like Jack Nicholson in The Shining).
Pamela directs “Lean Machine” greeting “Fat daddy, my old friend!” with lots of pratfalls, culminating in a desperate Fat Daddy running away from Lean Machine and being left panting on the grass as though they’ve debagged him. Katie’s impressed by how much better than Ella Jade Pamela is as a director.
Daniel has a wonderful “Just kill me now please” face on as Steven “perfects” his pitch to the right level of psychobollocks in the car on the way to Buzzfeed (“We have to make sure they ..er… learn and laugh along the way”). How could his blend of scary intensity and complete bullshit (“the most important step is the first step” – no it’s not you nob, it’s the missing step!) fail? Well, Steven’s not as good a presenter as he thinks and has no connection to an audience so ums and erms his way through hoping “we are going to have all the viewers rolling on the floor laughing”.
The best laugh goes to poor Felipe in the video (“I’m 34 and I’m really fat” – bless) from the Buzzfeed woman, but she admits that she doesn’t like the feeling that they’re laughing at him. Sarah muffs it by explaining the joke is only on Felipe personally, not on the viewer, so that’s ok. Buzzfeed woman insists she doesn’t think she’d “share this on an overweight friend’s page” (I know plenty of blokes who would deliberately share this on their friends pages, for all sorts of wrong reasons). Stepford Sarah tries to bring her Jedi hypno trick into play, repeating “It’s all about exercising and having fun” in such a scary voice that if I worked for Buzzfeed I would have thrown a glass of water in her face to see if she short circuited. “Anything else?” “Erm I think that covers everything I have as a note” grins Speccy (emphasising the singular).
It turns out neither team get on Buzzfeed, so James takes to whining on about it all being Solomon’s fault, but Solomon thinks he’s followed his vision through and done everything he can. Ella Jade also feels confident, but she doesn’t go on about having a vision, as clearly she never had one.
In the Boardroom, Lord Sugar’s unimpressed by Dare to Dine (“I suppose that’s supposed to be funny”), describing James as a “Grade A Pillock”. James insists he just “took one for the team” (“Yeah yeah”).
Solomon’s pretty clear about following the numbers and getting social media shares, but admits he misjudged the age range for Buzzfeed, but he still gets the backing of his team.
The producers attempt to fool us into expecting another shock result by showing Lean Machine at the end of Tenacity’s video insisting that people “get this video viral by sharing it”, but there’s still Steven describing his pitch (“I said you know the hardest part of a 100 mile journey is the first step” – no you dick it’s the 256,998th step, don’t you even know that?) and the complete lack of backing Ella Jade has from her team (especially Pamela) to ensure we’ll never fall for that narrative arc.
Time for the view counts:
Summit got 3,532
surprisingly for me
Tenacity got 3,314
That’s pretty close isn’t it? Come on they must have been clicking on their i-phones all night.
Anyhow Summit get to swill down champers and bathe in volcanic waters (and James’s wee wee) at the Blue Lagoon near Rjek, near Reyk, near Rjeyk, in Iceland.
In the Cafe of Blame, Pam pulls hacky faces and Ella complains that Stepford Sarah and Steven didn’t contribute. Oh Oh. Steven’s off “I DID CONTRIBUTE” he jiggles maniacally, before declaring “I’m going to highlight every fault she has actually made and she’s going to look like a fool” (these are the sort of skills you learn in Social Care obviously).
Back in the Boardroom, Ella’s excuse for failing is that despite being some sort of media node film-maker type she’s “never actually uploaded videos before”. Well she can fuck off and learn how to. She also puts the boot into Felipe for having the Fat Daddy Fitness Hell idea in the first place.
Sugar points out that if the video was a mixture of Funny and Informative, it should have started off “in a comedic manner” to give the audience an idea of what was going down. I like that The Apprentice sort of becomes a discussion of the nature of comedy at this point. Ella Jade argues that she wanted to combine Felipe’s “wittiness” and Katie’s expertise and work on their relationship, but Katie recalls no such thing. “I was pushing entertainment” Ella Jade insists desperately. “You couldn’t push a swing” (or something) Katie retorts.
It turns out that the other team scored most views via their collaboration, and got twice as many as Tenacity’s 819 views on that video (which also suggests the scores were so close because Tenacity were refreshing all night long).
Steven’s just caught up on that nature of comedy discussion way back and points out that he said it “would be funny if he did some of the exercises in the wrong way. I said that didn’t I?” Yes Steve, and it could be dangerous, which I would probably find funny, but I guess many wouldn’t. Karen starts analysing Steven at this point, because lets face it, he’s not of this world (“Did you feel ignored?”).
Felipe points out that Sarah was meant to be timekeeping but instead she was practising robotic smiles whilst testing a series of scented vaginal douches under the table. “Why am I always to blame?” Sarah retorts again “I’m not the sub team leader, Lauren is.”
Sugar brings up Sarah’s experience in helping people lose weight through hypnoflirting (“You should have been able to help”) as well as “quit smoking” and deal with “erectile dysfunction (“Don’t look her in the eyes Nick”) before asking “Why don’t people listen to you”.
Week 1 comes back to haunt Sarah as Katie spills the beans about her “sales strategy being to put on lipstick and wear short skirts”. SLAM!
Ella Jade brings Sarah and Steven back in, and Steven’s already rolling his eyes and ranting. Sugar comes straight out and asks the “highly educated” Ella Jade if she’s ever done an honest days graft in her life (as though that matters). She apparently helped out in the “family business during summers and weekends and was president of societies at Uni” but Sugar’s not interested in all that “do-gooding” mallarkey (that’s it students, just get pissed, all the SU prestige in the world isn’t going to cut it with a Cockney Nooky Bear) and says “I’d have more respect if you’d cleaned plates in a caff”.
Ella Jade tried to shift the blame onto Sarah’s poor timekeeping skills, but Sarah goes all evil girly, lying that she was intimidated by Ella Jade who always wanted to “be in the limelight”. Ella raises short skirt gate (ooer) again, but Sarah’s on a role (“You don’t even look me in the eye”) and Ella Jade backs down in the face of the Stepford ones revisionism of events (“I thought you were good when you were PM” Sarah (shouting): “I WAS good, because I won it”).
Buoyed, Sarah says her expertise of online dating websites should have been listened to. Sugar’s interested, but it turns out when Sarah says she “trialled several sites” it just means that she created a series of profiles (“Attractive blonde. Definitely not a replicant”).
Ella shifts tack to Steven’s failings and he brings it ON (“You need to fire Ella Jade, she wants to set up a production company with our money and she couldn’t even make a 3 minute video. I would be very concerned”). Ella tells Sugar that “every person says you cannot work with Steven” and accuses his pitch of being “rambling and theatrical”, but as Steven kicks off, you can tell he’s doomed (Sugar: “Here you are shouting and screaming your bloody head off and you say you want to run a nice care home”, Steven: “I am misunderstood in the way I come across. I have reined in my passion). Steven swears he will lead the next task and demonstrate his skills, but it ain’t going to happen as Lord Sugar fires him mid-flow and he’s almost too stunned to slip out a creeping “thank you”.
Sugar turns to Sarah stating that if nobody else has confidence in her, there’s no reason for him to, and fires her too.
“Let’s get rid of the no-hopers. No chance, don’t waste my time” mutters Sugar, looking pointedly at Ella Jade who blinks in the headlights and shivers. “I have the hunger to improve” she squeaks, desperately searching for lines from “Business Beginners Big Book of Bullshit”. “Yeah yeah,” Sugar sneers, adding “I’m afraid to say you do not have the acumen”.
It’s looking like Sugar is trying to impart another secret of comedy with his demonstration of The Rule of Three, but I worry he’s cocked it up by not saving the funniest bit (Steven) until last. Ella Jade saves the day by comedically begging (“Please please please Lord Sugar I promise you”) as though Mummy and Daddy have told her she won’t get a pony if she doesn’t get to Week 5, all the way through his firing her and her reaching the Taxi of Retribution.
I worry about the other candidates waiting up, but kindly Lord Sugar phones them up to put the shits up them by letting them know all three are fired and he’s “not putting up with deadwood in the process”. Cue awestruck faces, apart from Katie who forgets that she’s not really supposed to be doing a massive grin.
Next week the group create their own coach tours. And oh yes there will be singing in a round. Sleep well.
Just about tolerating:
Roisin (still think she will win)
Eager James (only bloody just though!)
Big Swinging Dickhead:
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun, Steven, Stepford Sarah, Ella Jade
Replicants Identified So far:-
Roisin (Paltrow Pleasure Model), Sarah (Darryl Hannah/ Grayson Perry Mash-up Model), Possibly Lauren