It’s interviews week! Get your business plans in and let’s sift through the bullshit.
Harpreet beats Brittany easily in the best use of downtime.
The call comes giving them erm a full 24 hours to deliver their business plans to the Gherkin. Whilst Brittany is shitting a brick with nerves Harpreet seems remarkably chilled, revealing that she might well be delusional.
Proof that croissants are better for you than exercise.
We get some completely scripted “We’d best prepare our business plans”,” Big day ahead” filler from Stephanie and Kathryn.
Then it’s time for a Business Plan montage. Kathryn has come dressed to slay.
If that sailor playsuit is part of her “on trend” PJ range I’m in – no matter how many exploited orphans have wept into the stitching.
Brittany, a hotel front of house manager, has ever written a business plan, but to prove she’s serious about her “high protein alcoholic drinks” she’s hopped back onto the exercise bike to read it whilst saying stuff like “370% markup ok” as though it’s completely reasonable.
Harpreet thinks after 5 years it’s time to scale up her café and has full belief in herself.
That whipped cream there represents growth.
Stephanie’s apparently only been fully functioning for a few months.
I’m not sure I’ve ever been fully functioning. Her business idea is a posh kids eBay – selling second hand designer childrens wear online. Now I understand why she wasn’t worried about having “DIES” on her baby food – she’s got to get those hand-me-downs somehow.
At 70 St Mary’s Axe they hand their plans to Lord Sugar who assures them his “Most trusted advisors” (well most available anyhow) will find any skeletons the candidates are hiding.
Sugar goes a bit Columbo.
He reveals gleefully that Claude is back at which Brittany excitedly fan-girls.
It looks like only her and Steph know who Claude is.
In the lift to Interview one, Kathryn backs against the wall like Amelia Stone bracing for a prison dust-up.
She’s the first victim of Knitwear Mogul Linda Plant, who, worryingly for Kathryn knows a thing or two about how the rag trade works. Kathryn explains her aim to expand her business to create matching pyjamas (“solely” designed by her using her expertise) for the whole family. Including dogs!
Is it wrong that I want to see a dog in pjs now?
“How did you get your design expertise?” asks Linda leadingly, and Kathryn backtracks. “When I say I solely designed by me, I mean as a whole” revealing that she really just does the “shape” of the pyjamas. Which to be honest is quite the skill. Kathryn’s forced to admit she didn’t design the prints as Linda pulls out Exhibit B, an identical pair of PJs to her Jaguar Print collection from “A High Street Store” (which is weird as I googled and couldn’t find them anywhere I’d consider High Street).
“Have you designed anything yes or no?”, Linda pushes and Kathryn looks so busted.
She’s not getting away that lightly though as Linda now questions Kathryn’s decisions to import PJs made in China. Her excuse is “A lot of companies have manufacturers in China” and Linda points out they might not use “Ethical and Sustainable” as their USP (or they might and just be evil”. “I’m learning as I go” is Kat’s excuse, but that don’t cut it with Linda.
Back in the lobby Kathryn sums up the experience as “Savage” as Stephanie gasps gleefully and Brittany looks on the verge of vomiting.
It becomes a running theme that each candidate focuses on one thing the interviewer did that was harsh or “unfair” whilst either twisting or neglecting to mention genuine issues with their business plan or CV. So Kathryn says Linda used the PJs to claim she wasn’t unique when in fact she was pointing out lies about the design and manufacture.
No mention of using Chinese sweat shops either funny enough.
Next Kathryn goes to see Media Bigwig Claudine Collins who is quick to pick up on the “Sustainable, ethical” message and asks where these righteous PJs are made.
On the defensive, Kat explains that she was going to have them made in England but it costs a fortune so she did “research” into Chinese factories instead and found an “ethical factory”. This is how I imagine Kat’s research went.
However she hasn’t picked up on the “sustainable” part as Claudine asks about the carbon footprint.
And Kat is stumped. Either that or she’s pretending to be Amelia Stone being violently interrogated.
Next Kathryn faces the wrath of Claude, who’s obviously still recovering from his accident, not to say he’s not completely brutal, he’s just very soft spoken with it. Which makes it somehow harsher. He points out the headaches of stocking lots of different sizes and shapes for each design whilst importing from China.
Next he poopoos her pie in the sky numbers. She promises to grow the business from a frankly unconvincing current £90k turnover to £750k. “It’s impossible” Claude says. “Who says it’s impossible” Kathryn hackles. “I do” says Claude. Kathryn seems to be harbouring the fantasy that adding investment and staff will magically grow the business without thinking about increased costs involved. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being ambitious” Kathryn gripes. “Ambitious is one thing, unrealistic is nonsense” Claude slams before pointing out that on £750k turnover Kathryn’s business would actually make a loss of pretty much the entire £250k investment. He dismisses her plan as “the rantings of a lunatic” and no amount of mythical Year 3 profit reward for Lord Sugar will sway him.
So that went well.
Finally Kathryn goes to see dour media millionaire Mike Soutar who asks what her website is called. As soon as Kat responds www.myeverydaypyjamas.co.uk you just know what’s coming next, and sure enough the old fox has bought literally every domain name she might have wanted to use.
I think Kathryn’s soul finally leaves her body at this point in her ritual beasting.
Sensing she’s broken Mike offers her the opportunity to prove she’s just learned the valuable business lesson of never wasting time when she needs something (and never to trust a smartarse) and gives her the web domain names with a warning not to leave everything to chance in future.
Next for the ordealathon is Brittany who trudges in to see Claude who seethes that she hasn’t put a full profit and loss breakdown in her business plan as “unless you’re making it in your bath” someone will manufacture the 99-calorie protein bevvy. To miss this is a “serious flaw” so thus endeth the interview and if I was Brittany I’d hide in the bogs for 20 minutes.
Seriously though after all her earlier fan-girling she must be devastated.
Next she endures Mike, who’s followed her recipe for the suspiciously cloudy protein vodka and indicates for her to take the first taste like it’s poisoned.
Although to be fair it does look like someone’s milked a tramp.
Brittany suppresses her gag reflex and claims it tastes good.
However Mike thinks it’s “chalky and quite bitter” (like Jim Davidson’s career then). She also effectively points out that it’s not Masterchef and people obsessed with high protein content will drink things that taste foul. “I don’t think it tastes bad enough for people not to purchase it” she adds. Put that on the poster.
Her business plan comes under scrutiny and rather than tear it apart Soutar just waves the offending item at her and asks how she’d do it differently. She realises it’s a massive own goal to have flicked through it whilst doing cardio and tears spring to her eyes.
Mike softens a little bit “You’ve done really well in this process” but adds “but is this investable?”
It’s Brittany’s turn for a bit of revisionism after wafting the tears away. If she is trying to sell a drink someone needs to tell her that liquid does not waft.
“I cried in the lift” she confesses to Kat, who asks if she kept it together in the interview.
The lies!
Next she’s confronted by Linda who dismisses her business plan as a “glorified brochure “ and pulls up Brittany’s lack of experience in making drinks or keep fit. Brittany declares she’s a “target consumer”. “I buy clothes” snaps Linda, but “it doesn’t make me a dressmaker” (it does make you a knitwear entrepreneur though love) before revealing yet another incriminating purchase of a protein drink that’s been out since 2008 in the states (“the reason you haven’t heard of it is it wasn’t a hit”).
Crush that girl’s dreams Linda!
I must have missed Brittany’s interview with Claudine unless they didn’t show it because it was just Claudine sticking needles into Brittany and claiming to be looking for the devil’s mark.
Our next lambikin to the slaughter is Harpreet who’s made a bold move wearing white. Claudine leads with a personal jibe “You don’t come across as someone I would like to work with”, always a good move in a real interview if you want to be slapped down by ACAS. Harpreet brushes it off with a practiced customer services SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY smile barely disguising a snarl, but makes a mental note that her bossy ball-breaking act might not be the best way to secure Lord Sugar’s dosh.
She’s actually written in her CV that her rule is “No emotions before 7”. Presuming that’s intended to mean pm. She confesses that she’s annoyed with herself for saying that as underneath it all she cares greatly about people she works with. And at least she’s self-aware enough to admit it sounds like she’s just saying what Claudine wants to hear.
From Claudine to Claude who’s uncovered a wee porky pie or two in Harpreet’s claims to do EVERYTHING herself in her business. “That’s not true” says Claude because.
DUH DUH DUUUH!
Harpreet has a 50:50 partnership with her sister. I love how this minor Hire One Get the Sister Doing All The Work For Free detail plays out as Harpreet diminishes her sister’s contribution and bigs her own up (“Everything on there I have done”) as though her sister is some mad woman in an attic who cannot be revealed to the public. “I guess I should have written CO-owner” Harpreet admits as the penny drops.
And in the lift.
She pops in to Mike who mocks her job title on her CV – “Isn’t chief executive a bit grandiose for someone who basically runs a café? Is there a vice president of washing up?” (IF not I claim that role, if the president of washing up doesn’t mind), before trammelling her supposed lack of ambition (“You opened 1 store in 5 years why is your growth so pedestrian?” – erm that sounds perfectly reasonable!). Harpreet counters that there’s no reason she can’t accelerate growth with the investment, but unfortunately Mike’s picked up on her plan to open one new store a year (also sensible), forcing her to claim she’s changed her mind as she’s “grown in confidence” during the process so not is ready for the heady heights of erm 2 new stores a year.
Dream big gurl.
Linda wonders if Harpreet even has a USP. She’s selling cakes Linda – her USP is pleasure and diabetes. Harpreet claims she is the USP causing Linda to go all evil stepmother.
Yes you CAN be a USP Harpreet.
She also claims she wants to expand her product line and bring in savoury snacks. Which kind of fucks up any USP. Unless she puts savoury snacks in puddings. Why not? We’ve had salted caramel. Chocolate and miso work as does mango and chilli. Just pop a few pringles on top of your meringues and your USP is sorted.
Harpreet so far has done best on the interviews, and even learns something useful – that she needs to “lay off the whole sergeant major a little”.
Unless you’re Harpreet’s sister in which case she will continue to beat you if your pastry isn’t flaky enough.
Finally thrown to the wolves is Stephanie. Mike’s not convinced she offers anything different to eBay. Stephanie’s convinced that she can authenticate garments which gives her an edge.
Mike gets in on the trap items game and produces a bog standard looking kid’s “designer” T shirt – posing the existential question is it real?
Stephanie guesses “fake” but apparently it’s “real” at which she confesses that she outsources the “incredibly important” job of authentication. Mike’s researched the company she uses and they only authenticate handbags and shoes. What a chancer! Stephanie mumbles about it being “very early doors” and she could hire different companies but surely the jig’s up especially when Mike points out she’s only costed to use this one company in her business plan and her face falls.
Out in the lobby she plays it blasé, shrugs and says she had no idea what she was doing and just pretended to look at the T-shirt.
Heh. Steph is so bad ass.
Linda attacks on the principle that Stephanie has only sold 50 garments and the customer base would be too exclusive to upscale and she’s out.
Claudine pokes away at Stephanie’s tough coating by bringing her dad into it and (missing her use of present tense) everything about the exchange, from the fact Stephanie bigs up her dad’s influence on her CV to her tearing up about him has me convinced Steph’s Dad is Brown Bread.
But no he’s alive and kicking and supporting her from the audience of you’ve been fired later – oops SPOILER.
“I think I cry every 10 years” says Steph, delighting Claudine who hands her a tissue before piling on the emotion (there’s even soppy piano playing over this exchange FFS) “What would your dad think about you being in the final 4?”
“He’d be so incredibly proud” sniffs Steph.
HE’s NOT DEAD!
“You know what” says Claudine “You’re so much more personable when you let your guard down”. Yeah Stephanie – it’s so much nicer to see you in tears! Blimey!
Things aren’t going to get better with Claude who announces his intentions to destroy Steph like he’s some sort of psychotic Victorian spanker.
He tears apart her lack of experience and credibility and every time she asks if she can respond he blocks her.
He points out her costs before even one sale is made are £160k (isn’t that the point of investment though Claude?).
And worst of all she’s massively overestimated her numbers. “You’re jumping from 300k to 1.8million turnover” says Claude. “Yeah” says Steph. “No” says Claude. Yeah but no.
As the battered candidates make their escape, Lord Sugar’s snitches assemble and bitch about them.
Claude thinks Brittany should stick with hotels. Tim thinks Kathryn needs a mentor. Linda thinks Stephanie’s idea is too niche and EVERYONE wonders about Harpreet’s sister!
Karren just laughs like a dolphin on crack at every dad joke Sugar makes.
Claude was impressed with her
Back in the boardroom and Kathryn is still insisting it’s OK to use Chinese manufacturers because other companies do it. For someone who pretends to be a designer she’s remarkably uncreative. Stephanie’s authentication process is revealed as someone er looking at a photo of a piece of clothing. Foolproof.
Harpreet sells her sister down the Swanee.
Ultimately though Brittany is fired for her bad business plan and has to leave with nary a hug from the others.
So Sugar is left like King Lear with his three daughters asking the three remaining candidates why they are ace and skill and should win. Kathryn intends to sell pyjamas and make money which Sugar points out is kind of how business should work. She hopes to use more online sales, which Sugar suggests is like Stephanie’s plan, which Kathryn takes a big dump on.
Stephanie hits back that her platform would be more global and Kathryn buts in disdainfully.
Steph suggests her idea will be the biggest thing since veganism and if Sugar doesn’t invest he’ll see her company in 2 to 3 years’ time and say “Oh that’s Stephanie’s idea that she had”.
Finally Harpreet’s sister’s ears get to burn again.
But she rather brilliantly bigs up the other’s ideas “I’d love to buy dog pyjamas and when I had kids I’d be scouring for a discount on designer gear for them”, before presenting her business as a proven, safe and reliable concept. In comparison.
And thus Stephanie is fired for her wobbly ideas.
Next week Kathryn and Harpreet have to launch their brands. Here’s hoping Akeem comes back on Harpreet’s team for some of that sweet sweet Stockholm Syndrome.
Should win: Harpreet’s sister
Meh: Kathryn
Deserves a grilling:
Bye Bye: Harry, Conor, Shama, Navid, Alex, Francesca, Amy, Sophie, Nick, Akshay, Aaron, Akeem, Brittany, Stephanie
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