Archives for the month of: November, 2017

Week 9 and the remaining early morning pant wearers are summoned to one of my own stomping grounds, Borough Market, where it is now £6 to buy cheese on toast.

James points out in the car that Harrison has never been Project Manager. Yeah MAN UP Harrison. Meanwhile Sarah points out in her car that the women are wearing the trousers, literally. Cue shot of all their trousers.

Sugar sets them the task of creating branded recipe kits which will be voted on after a pitch to industry “experts” – most votes wins.

Harrison (who is asked to lead as his business plan is food based) and Jo are switched to Vitality  with Jade and Michaela as Sarah is sent to lead Graphene with Bushra, James and Liz. Sarah immediately decides on a gourmet style meal. Yeah good luck with that.

So it’s subteam time. Jo wants to do the cooking and Harrison agrees, sending her off with Michaela. However Michaela doesn’t want to work with Jo so does Jedi mind tricks on Harrison so he joins her and Jade and Jo have to work together on branding. Oh oh! Michaela suggests chicken curry. Harrison isn’t sure that sounds healthy. That’s Michaela’s point. He submits to her will again.

 

On Graphene Liz really wants to cook, and Sarah puts her on the cooking subteam but elects James as the subteam leader. James chooses salmon and risotto as a luxury dish and decides truffle oil should be the flavour. Liz suggesrs saffron instead. She’s right on this one but the idea of a recipe by committee suddenly looms horrifically. Ugh!

Jade manages her subteam by telling Jo no idea is too stupid (“But I’ll make sure I get the final say”). “Root flavours” suggests Jo. “Ugh no!” Jade opines. Jade brainstorms “Food fresh…food mind.. let’s have a silent minute… lateral mind …healthy mind” ; “All I can hear is you!” complains Jo. “Root flavours” Jo tries. Jade begs “Please go for things to do with your mind and natural” and when Jo protests Jade chips in with “Your PM has just said.. Can you just think?” ”Yes I’m thinking in my mind”, Jo reassures her.

Sarah suggests “Gourmet Crusaders”. Bushra tactfully points out that Crusaders sounds a little warlike. “Nah it’s cool” says Sarah. Bushra suggests putting little dots over Crusaders to soften it…Sarah suggests footprints which Bushra thinks will make it look like dogfood.  Sarah don’t care.

James and Liz work on risotto and he insists on chopping the onion and flails a bit (probably because Liz’s beady eyes are watching). I get her frustration though – he’s taking ages and she just wants to do something but he’s so resistant to her taking over. Eventually he lets her chop the celery . This makes him Liz’s bitch.

Harrison and Michaela chaotically create their healthy chicken curry (which is the best way to create curry) “Curry powder is that healthy?” asks Harrison before getting confused between tablespoons teaspoons. Thank gawd Michaela is there. This reminds me of the time I sent a dear friend a very simple chicken curry recipe and they complained it was a bit bland… because they missed the bit which said “add the curry powder”

Jade’s still chucking out potential names ““Naturo Think”, “Naturo Fuel” ..out of those which is your favourite”. Like me Jo thinks they’re both shite and Jade snaps “Then offer a solution!”. Rightly Jo points out her suggestions were cast aside for having nothing to do with the mind..and goes off for a well earned cry. And Jade utterly takes over.

Michaela recaps the recipe to Jade and Jo by babbling off multiple orders…. “’Add yoghurt to desired thickness’ but word that so it doesn’t sound stupid”. Unfortunately Harrison only sends them one photo of the food, missing the fact it’s meant to be a “step by step guide”.

The boxes arrive and wonder why it doesn’t say “chicken curry” on the box, but Jade assures her a card will be put on there. Doesn’t explain away the multiple typos though. Jade kind of blames Jo for her issues. I love Michaela “You need to put it behind you.. if it affects my future I will be fuming”.

Bushra moans about the pictures and branding and James has had enough and bitches about her to Liz who confides that Bushra “does my nut in! No wonder I am barking mad”.

So it’s pitch time and Harrison lets Michaela cook with minimum fuss. One person has to dress as a giant green peapod – and it’s Jo (“it goes with the brand” EH?).

Harrison and Michaela Craddock.cradockDM_468x452

Over on Graphene, Bushra wants to get involved in the pitch as a quirky sidekick – so she dresses as a pepperpot to James’s salt.

Harrison pitches “Naturo fuel’s Healthy Kicking Chicken Curry” first whilst Michaela cooks diligently. “I’m going to address the elephant in the room” Jo pipes up, and to the producer’s relief  it’s not about the way women of colour are marginalised on telly but the fact she is wearing a pea suit “If we had an icon it would be green and potentially a vegetable” she continues, despite the fact the curry contains no veggies other than onions.

Vitality are pulled up on having no photos to accompany the steps on their recipe card and no product name on their packaging, which Michaela explains they can fix when it goes to market.

It’s time for the experts to taste the curry and they all like it (cos it’s curry!) although the lady from the Co-op would like more veggies in it just to prove how worthy the Co-op is.

Sarah is next pitching for gourmet crusaders, but Liz essentially takes over. She’s like Dennis Waterman off Little Britain and would sing the theme tune if she could. Bushra and James keep mucking in as she loudly cooks. Bushra then attempts some ice breaking “humour”: “We would have loved to have Captain Gourmet here but unfortunately Donald trump called him over….”

Tumbleweed rightfully ensues.

I hate seeing new comedians wasting or ruining jokes and immediately want to fix it… “Captain Gourmet should have been here but he was on a boat full of posh kids passing round his crispy goujons”… “We would have loved to have Captain Gourmet here but he’s helping Operation Yewtree with enquiries”, “Donald Trump – what a cunt eh?” Nope I can’t fix it.

Liz flails on the cooking and blames the oven but interrupts Bushra who tries to fill for her and it’s just really bleugh as Liz burns the salmon due to bitching at Bushra.

Sainsbury’s bloke is concerned about the connotations of “Crusader” but Sarah insists there are “positive” connotations in “joining the crusade”. Everyone gags on Liz’s burnt fishy batons.

It’s Board Room time and Harrison is accused of being Michaela’s puppet but she has to stick her hand up his bum for him to respond.

Sugar questions the choice of curry as an healthy option, “Over 23m curries are eaten every week in the UK” argues Harrison. “And there’s 23m obese people.” Bullshits Sugar back. “Exactly!” grins Harrison. Oh he is rubbish but I’m warming to him.

Jade complains that Jo was difficult to work with” and Karren has a go at Harrison for not noticing the tension between then and keeping them apart (“I thought you would just both try to succed. Doh!. Again he is refreshingly dim when it comes to female dispute and the pair of them could eat him for brekky.

Sarah gets stick for including Crusader in her brand name. Batman has a rethink.

Bushra claims the World Food idea was all hers, until Karren points out it was Sarah and James’s idea too.

Graphene’s pitch is dismissed as “cringy” and Harrison wibbles about “engaging” clients. Sugar is unamused.

Liz states she was asked to talk and cook (actually I think she volunteered both) whereas Harrison didn’t make Michaela present whilst cooking as “it wouldn’t have been fair” (bless him)..

So it’s down to the all important votes. Vitality got 12 whereas Graphene of the shit pitch got 10. Which makes you think they were equally rubbish.

Appropriately for a bunch of clowns Vitality are sent to a Circus restaurant.

In Café Sad,  Bushra’s blaming Liz for everything and Liz is sick of Bushra. “Perhaps the friction between you was felt by the audience” Sarah points out. Bushra decides she’s going to tell Lord Sugar Liz is “nuts”. Lovely ladies.

Back in and Sugar states Liz is uncontrollable. Bushra tries to pile on, but Karren points out she did the “Trump jokes”. The fact Karren found it a recognisable “joke” makes me despair. “I took a risk” Bushra claims. Not that much eh love?

Sarah picks Liz and Bushra (much to the latter’s chagrin) to come back. James gets told to man up (“sunshine”) by Sugar as he leaves. (“Er yeah ok”). Fuck him James, if being a man means having a face like a sad bollock it’s not worth it.

Back in and it all gets a bit bitchy with Bushra clinging desperately to her opportunity. Sugar describes Liz as being “impossible to control.. like a giant hogweed” but Liz prefers to call herself a “sunflower”. (Since when was being easily  controlled a good leadership quality?) and guarantees to make Sugar a million quid. Despite his protests this clearly work as Bushra is fired. Liz promises to not let Sugar down again (whoops – promises!) starts gushing and is rightly told to shut up and go back to the house.

In the Taxi of Despair Bushra claims “Sarah threw me under the bus but I was one of her biggest threats” Muawahahahahah

Sarah and Liz return and James is impressed by Liz “Fair play –  you’ve been in the bottom more than anyone and survived”.  Liz reckons she has her fighty mojo back.

Next time the teams run a fashion show on a catwalk. Some day this show is going to end.

MAD BAD AND BRILLIANT: Elizabeth

WARMING TO BUT TERRIFIED BY: Michaela

LIKING:  James (think he will win), Sarah, Harrison

ANNOYED BY: Joanna

I Do NOT LIKE: Jade

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne, Sajan, Andrew, Anisa, Charles,  Bushra

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Week 8 and the candidates are surprised by a beardy if not so jolly man. He informs them a quarter of Brit households have a dog and they have to tap into the market. They have to run a doggy daycare centre and offer mobile dog services to punters on the street. Most profit wins.

Anisa says she’d be happy to lead Vitality (Andrew, Michaela Jade, Charles). Charles puts himself forward yet again as he has had dogs. We all know how it goes by now. But what’s this? They all choose CHARLES because they think Anisa is more shit. Anisa looks duly devastated. She puts herself forward as subteam leader and looks hopeful. Charles chooses Andrew. “But I’ve never had a dog” Andrew argues, but he’s picked anyway. “Maybe I don’t make a convincing argument” Anisa wails to camera. You said it.

Over on Graphene (Liz, Jo, James, Harrison, Bushra) James puts himself forward for the second week running and nobody argues. James takes Harrison and Bushra on his roving sales team. Liz gets to lead the daycare centre and has to take Jo. We all anticipate many argues. Poor Jo is not a dog lover (“I actually do like them just not big scary ones”. Liz “The biggest dogs are often the most timid and the little ones the most feisty”. “Bit like me” Jo suggests). So at The Doggy Spa Liz is full of the dog lurve, chatting to them like they’re her little fuzzy buddies. To a dog undergoing a “blueberry facial” she bants “You alright mate?” The dogs blueberried little face says “SAVE ME NOW!”

Jo doesn’t help the pitch by constantly telling Tom the Dog Spa owner that she’s never owned a dog and has no idea about them. It’s like they’re a different species.

Vitality come along and Michaela’s on a charm offensive (“It’s super lush here… I’ll see you tomorrow Tom”.

Next stop for Graphene is a place offering dog agility classes and doggy dancing. Liz asks all the prices and numbers. Jo looks worried.

Vitality roll up and again Michaela’s making friends “I’ve got four dogs that would have a field day here”.

Both teams choose the Spa, but the Spa can choose only one so Tom plumps for Vitality, adding “I didn’t feel Jo was a dog lover”. “I’m really sorry that you felt like that retorts Jo”. She just can’t help herself.

Given the good news, Jade suggests Tom really fancies you Michaela. “I have had a lot of botox” sighs our Northern force of nature. They price up the spa treatments and Charle’s gets his angels to do all the graft for him (“I know you’re excellent at phone sales so I’d like you to start please Michaela”). In the corner Karren raises her eyebrows.

Anisa suggests Dirty Dogs for the roving team name. “Isn’t that a bit offensive” buzzkills Sarah. Everything Anisa suggests(charging more for labour and at commercial properties) is shot down. Poor Anisa.

So the subteams off to Posho Hall run by a woman who is evidently on the make and wants minions to clean the dog poop from apparent hoards of the fuckers running wild about her manor as there’s a wedding on there tomorrow. So they literally have to pitch to clean up shit. I love it.

It’s going OK for Vitality until Andrew spots a dog actually pooping (yes that’s where it comes from) and swears (it gets bleeped but my money’s on fuck)– getting the evil eye off Sarah. He then offers the client a full on de-pooping for £120. Sarah reckons they could have asked for £200. “I can’t stand the smell of shit” Andrew mutters on the way back to the car.

Graphene’s subteams talk names. I like Harrison’s “Doggy Do Gooders” but James plumps for “Pooper Scooper Friends”. They offer some weird “odour control” product, but awkward woman at Hall Posh is not impressed. James quotes £200 for 2 hrs and she’s all “what if the job’s not done?” James offers a partial refund and she’s insistent she wants the job. I’m quite pleased that Andrew swore in her presence now.

Liz decides to offer all the doggy agility/dance sessions for £25 as it’s easier. She calls James and says they were a close second on the Spa. Bushra’s straight in there “Close second isn’t good enough! You have to be first”. “I’m trying to be positive not negative” Liz sighs and gives James the £25 price tag. “Why does Bushra have to stick the knife in” she asks Jo, who I suspect is relieved that Liz didn’t let on Tom’s reason for not offering the Spa. “I hope she doesn’t have any close seconds someone else will point out” Jo broods. It’s quite sweet – I think these two are forming an unlikely double act after weeks of aggro. They go to train in doggy dancing instruction and Liz is right into it whereas Jo has no idea what to do when a cute spaniel gets stuck between her legs. Make of that sentence what you will.

James doesn’t get the Posh Hall jobby job as the awkward woman felt he “overpromised” therefore Andrew’s subteam get booked and they’re all like Woooooh we’re going to clean shit up!!!

Next stop is a photoshoot for Wild at Heart canine welfare charity who want to flog sweatshirts. Anisa says she’s done fashion shoots. Andrew suggests he is good with dogs (the lies!). Sarah suggests a price of £475. Charity woman tries not to slap her and suggests that’s too high. Next offer is £225. Then Andrew goes up to £250. At this point the charity woman is laughing at them.

Graphene’s turn and Harrison endears himself to me by making pals with a very cute rottweiler. Bushra says “I haven’t done any photography myself but I am pretty good with the eye” (What?). She suggests £250. When Charity woman protests she drops the price. By £100. Madness.  She ends up plumping for them because of their way with dogs. Yeah.

Charles rings his subteam and asks for support with making calls for bookings (which James has been doing for his subteam – it’s not unreasonable). Andrew basically tells him to do one as they’re flyering for their own services.  At the training session Jade cleans a doggy. “I’ve just done his bottom” she exclaims. “You’re not having a slice of my pizza later” Michaela informs her. They are making a good double act too.

James decides to up Liz’s pooch-robics price to £45 cos it’s all about the money. He doesn’t share this with Liz.

Vitality nearly come to twaticuffs as Charles pulls up Andrew for not calling for leads and Andrew won’t back down cos he’s a bit of a gobshite. Michaela breaks it up “This conversation is ridiculous” and despite finding her terrifying I’m warming to her. First thing next day she’s the one grafting, finding leads including for a Jug a Poo called Moo. I get that Poo is Poodle, but has someone really bred one with a Juggernaut?

Both teams pick up doggy products to upsell including “Pawsecco”. I love animals but this is mental surely?

Liz gets into full on Barbara Woodhouse testing the agility course and rearranging it all despite it having been declared ok the previous evening and then running around the course. “She’s a force of nature” grumps Claude. I think he wants her.

Poor Vitality are stood up by their first client and sadly tear off their sexy pvc pinnies.

At Posh Hall, the woman in charge really starts taking the piss and demands Vitality subteam also pick up bird shit. Sarah agrees to this. Cue Anisa flailing about looking for poos (“Why did we commit to duck poo?” Andrew “We said big ones” Anisa “they’re ALL BIG!!!!”). The awkward woman inspects their work and finds a recently laid browny green bird “egg” so as “you did agree to pick up bird poo” only pays them £135. I never want to go to Posh Hall.

Charles is quite happy to let his angels Jade and Michaela do all the actual work at the Dog Spa (“As they have naturally longer hair they’re used to combing hair”).

How Charles saw himself during this task:

Rsz_movies_wallpaper_charlies_angels_(originals)

Graphene take the charity photos sending dogs running everywhere and fighting. It would be great if they got some pictures of the sweatshirts the models are wearing which the Charity want to advertise. But they fail and have to accept only £125 for all their photos.

It all kicks off after doggy dancing as a woman tells Liz she paid £45 and someone else there told her they only paid £25. Liz gives her a refund, and agrees with Jo to tell other people waiting that the charge is only £25 which means refunding 6 people who paid more. I love the ethics despite how some businesses might view it. It also means that customers are suddenly more likely to buy loads of the extra pooch products because they don’t think they’re being diddled by shysters.

Charles mucks in on the poo scooping business (“COME TO ME TURDS”, Michaela “I feel like a ghost buster – we should have been called poo busters!”) until 9pm then Charles declares “The high fives are out – lets get some pawsecco!”

So it’s Boardroom Time. Charles is asked why he didn’t let poor Anisa lead the subteam and he tactfully states he thinks she struggles to handle pressure. Anisa doesn’t help herself by complaining about all the “geese poo” they had to clean up.

I’m relieved Sugar doesn’t diss Liz for refunding the customers who overpaid – suggesting that the increased upsales was because customers probably trusted Liz and Jo.

Also it was refreshing that Liz didn’t dob in Jo for being the reason they didn’t get the Spa as she was so rubbish about dogs – although they probably would have failed at the Spa (Only 2 of them – one not a dog lover) so in effect Jo saved this task for them with her dog dithering.

Anyhow it’s money time:

Vitality: Spa sales – £325 – Mobile team £375 – Other sales £114.75 Total 814.75

Graphene – Training Sales £435 – Mobile team £435 – Other sales  £407.92 – Total £1277.92

Convincing trashing there thanks to Liz and Jo’s subteam. So Graphene get sent for a facial (hur hur) where Jo gets something rolled on her face which she thinks is “absolutely incredible” (her words).

In Sad Café  everyone’s blaming Andrew or Anisa. Charles confesses he doesn’t actually have a dog (you ruddy liar!).

 

Back in and Sugar is unimpressed by Anisa (“I just think I’m underestimated”) and sweary Andrew (“You’re 26 but you’re immature”).

Charles brings back Andrew and Anisa (“I did deliver the job!”) and sorry but I already know all three are going.

Andrew explains that he swore because he comes from bars and shops. “Can’t you adapt?” bitches Karren “I have” he insists. “Not very well”.

Anisa’s CV actually says “the most important thing in business is to have fun”. “I also care about pricing strategy” she insists. Andrew says “You said it dead timid and shy”. He has a point. It’s a horrible point but people only listen to load twats.

Charles teams up on Anisa “You’re just FLAP FLAP FLAP”. *Flap mime. Charles remix*

Anyhow Sugar fires Andrew first saying he’s there five years too early (he’s 26 ffs!). Swiftly followed by Anisa and finally, just as he thought he got away with it, Charles goes too.  There’s not even time for the taxi of doom.

NOBODY GOES BACK TO THE HOUSE

Michaela gets a spooky phone call telling them this. Sarah looks on the bright side “There’s three extra servings of dinner tonight” (Actually two if you think about it).

Next week they sell food recipe boxes. I would be brilliant at this (honest). So I can’t wait to see it utterly fucked up.

WOMAN ON THE WILD SIDE: Elizabeth

LIKING:  James, Sarah, Harrison

WARMING TO DESPITE PREVIOUS BEHAVIOUR: Michaela, Joanna

I Do NOT LIKE: Jade, Bushra

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne, Sajan, Andrew, Anisa, Charles

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 7 It’s early but for once it’s not a bloke in his pants to start the show as Sugar summons the candidates to Dunton Technical Centre in Essex. Anisa wants a creative task so she can put herself forward. “Oh My Gawd!” gasps Liz as they troop past flashy cars in Ford’s Creative Design hub. They have to create a TV ad and digital screens to advertise a new car and pitch to top execs.

The teams are duly juggled with Sarah going to Vitality with Michaela, Anisa, Andrew, Jade and erm Charles.  Anisa who works in PR duly puts herself forward “My knowledge of cars isn’t amazing but I have marketing experience”. Michaela has no marketing experience but she “loves cars”. They pick her to Anisa (and Claude’s) befuddlement. Anisa leads the sum team on branding. Andrew wants to direct the TV ad but Michaela baggsies that for herself and Jade then throws Andrew a bone of assisting them as he’s so “super enthusiastic”. Patronising cow.

Over on Graphene and James is happy to lead the team comprising Liz, Sajan, Bushra and Jo; and nobody else volunteers (“OK I’m PM er brilliant”). He’ll be ok – he once ran a hand carwash. It’s all about picking markets. Jo thinks it should be aimed at under 25s. Bushra thinks it’s a family car and James backs her. Jo looks sad.

Liz (who keeps taking her specs off this week – and reminds me of Benedict Cumberbatch without them) uses Jedi mind skills to control James (“I suggest a woman on the TV ad side” [Points at self]. James “OK Liz you do the ad”).

Jo suggests calling the car Expando which sounds like a pervy superhero. Bushra wants to go for Plus, but Jo’s determined to be heard on this one and James says sod all.

Michaela is thinking “Marbella” (“If you had this car could head for these places” Classy!). Andrew upgrades her to “Miami”. They work on concepts for the advert with the women constantly overruling poor Andrew cos he doesn’t understand the target audience (young women)  like what they do. He chips in ignored suggestions whilst Jade and Michaela witter on (“And then she says OH MY GOD!” etc).  “She could even use assisted parking whilst putting on her lipstick!” Andrew interjects excitedly. Everyone rightly ignores him.

They communicate with the subteam and Anisa’s worried about the name being too literal. “THE NAME IS MIAMI” insists Michaela. At least Anisa tries to run with this by brainstorming solo in front of the world’s biggest whiteboard until it ends up looking like a Sheldon Cooper equation. “Erm don’t we just need to focus on the car and brand” Sarah suggests gently, but Anisa is off. The strapline “Move fast and free” is chosen. Sarah’s concerns about speed regulations, but Andrew insists “We’ll make it work”.

Liz is all for the humour angle “Mum runs out of house and things are going wrong then she gets to the car and it all works but she leaves her handbag on the roof and… DRIVES OFF…. IT’S FUNNY!”. (I actually think this was done in the 1980s but whatever). Liz then volunteers to act in the ad (“I break female modes. I’m tall… I’m quirky”) and does more Jedi mind control so James says OK. Bizarrely she selects the advert location as a “Norman Village”. Karren helpfully explains that none of the candidates know how long ago Norman times actually were.

Jo takes control of the digital screen display with her and Harrison posing in front of huge building blocks against a green background. Bushra is (like myself) confused. This upsets Jo.

Back in Essex and the car arrives at the Norman village. Maybe it’s the steaming cauldron and wattle and daub huts, or the turkeys, chickens and ducks shitting all over the place or maybe it’s the gently swaying waxwork hanged corpse, but Elizabeth smells a fish (“I don’t think this is an English village. I think it’s a… pretend village”).  “We need to see what we’re dealing with first” insists James. Somehow rather than Google a nearby real village (are they banned from doing this?) they try to roll with it (Liz “How about ‘Conquer life?’”) . They finally call the sub team who inform them that the brand name is Expando. Rather than impose his will James just mildly reminds them they need to stay in line with the advert. But they’re off on one. Bushra suggests a tag line “Different day: Same reliable car”. Harrison’s not sure it all fits with a potential medieval theme (“They didn’t make cars then did they?”). BUT NOBODY HEARS THE WARNING BELLS.

Michaela and Jade treat Andrew as a piece of meat whilst they witter on during advert production complete with drone camera filming. He’s clearly torn between wanting to be a STAR DARLING and feeling a tad sidelined. “I think we have enough footage to drag it out to 20sec” Michaela decides.

Sajan on the other team however is an ARTISTE. He’s gone all Ed Wood, taking lots of shots “One from here and another from there” (NOT as many as I need from here then move – ….IDIOT!). “The mise en scene is perfect!” He yells. “Scene 26! Take 2”. As a Film studies Post Graduate with extensive experience of hanging out with film ponces I was laughing my tits off.

In EXPANDO land Jo’s arguing about fonts when the main issue is her posters don’t show very much of the fucking car (and they don’t have any medieval imagery obviously). “I’m happy and proud” says Jo.

I like how Anisa has pissed off the Lycra brigade with her digital display showing a bike in the rain (“Looking to escape normality?”) before switching to an image of a car in the sun (“Welcome to Miami”). Yeah FUCK the planet. Also maybe stating that it is a car might have been helpful. Michaela likes it though (“It’s dead gorge… I like the colour scheme”).

Liz looks worried when Jo shows off her building block display. BUT NOBODY SAYS A WORD.

Sarah and Anisa worry that Michaela’s “Ooh me nerves” (A genuine Northern woman condition along with hormones and bowels) mean she will be shit at pitching. They pluck up the courage to call her. This does not go well and Michaela is 100% pitching.

Liz “assists” at the editing of Sajan’s vision with extra suggestions on music (“It goes “bum de dum dodododo…  like that .. and cut to booom boom boom der bumm bum”). James says sod all. She then insists she does the voice over and Sajan’s hackles rise (“You’re in it quite a lot”) and he insists James makes a call. So James goes with Sajan as he’s making the most noise at that point in time. “I will let it go” proclaims Liz. “But I feel you’re making a mistake”. My how very big of her.

Feedback from commuters viewing the digital display for Harrison is that nobody remembers the actual car but the name sticks out cos it’s fucking mental.

Nobody notices the Miami displays either or if they do they think it’s an advert for car rental in Miami. Hmm.

It’s time to pitch to car manufacturers, a journo and some advertisers . In a fun twist the none pitching part of the team watch it all via a video link and shout abuse.

James introduces Expando as addressing the needs of the modern family. Bushra tries desperately to tie in the car as an “extension of home” and Jo talks some utter shite on “expanding on capabilities” for which I would fire her pre-boardroom. It doesn’t help when the advert shows Liz doughtily chasing chickens through a Norman village. James tries to find a bright side (“Liz is 6ft2 which shows there’s a lot of space in the car”), but it’s clear there’s no connection between the two sides of the campaign (Liz (sneakily “It’s up to Bushra to answer this”. Bushra [Death Stare]). All the advertisers think the name is shit. Nobody argues. It’s true…

It’s literally pants.

expando-brif_list1

Michaela does hacky looks and hesitates before launching into a decent pitch. Oh look at her. She’s SO BRAVE. Hardly a fricking wallflower is she? Their ad is bland and functional. Nobody mentions my concern in that aiming it at young free and single women with a male voiceover is still somewhat missing the point.

Anisa takes on the next bit. Jade’s watching through the live feed (“Calm the hands”) and starts waffling. Fortunately she passes to Sarah who gets the brand message across “Move forward fast and free”. YOU CAN’T SAY FAST chorus the panel. Oh god Anisa’s still talking “Oh yeah we thought we got away with that (giggle)”

“Was there concern that the display reminded people of holidays?” asks one panel “Oh YES I’m so glad you brought that up!” GUSHES Anisa as Michaela’s face freezes whilst she contemplates gagging her. The rest of the team watching on the link scream in horror as Anisa continues to gleefully tell the panel how right they are to point out how shit the team has been. It’s a lovely moment.

Back in the boardroom and Michaela insists that Andrew was included in the advert so that the male audience wasn’t excluded then says something about him looking pretty. Lovely. The advert is boring but functional. Sugar likes the drums.

It’s Graphene’s turn and Vitality collectively piss themselves as Liz admits they accidentally ended up filming at a re-enactment Norman fort. For all Sajan’s Mise en Sine it’s a bit of sub Mike Leigh bollocks complete with Liz clomping about shooing chickens before apparently getting ready to mow them down. Harrison admits there is no correlation between the ad and the digital board but flails at the concept “different day same reliable car”. That doesn’t work for Sugar (“You’re trying to flog a NEW car”).

Unsurprisingly Vitality win although they weren’t great as they had some semblance of cohesion between the two sides of the campaign. They’re sent to slide down a huge tunnel. Insert your own joke. James looks sad. He really wanted to go on that slide.

Instead it’s the sad café and Bushra’s pulling no punches (“Have you see an ad like that before?”) whereas Jo “can smell Elizabeth all over this”).

Back in and Sugar helpfully informs them that both the advert and the digital poster were shit.

“I’m not good at the creative side” James whines, blaming Jo’s sub-team for the name. Bushra bitches about Jo undermining her suggestion of Plus. Like that would have helped.

Sajan insists he had to make sure the camera angles were focusing on the car for the 20 minute dolly shot.

Liz insists it “wasn’t the Elizabeth show” (it was) and “If I was too strong I’ll reign it back” (oh don’t!).

Sugar describes James’s management technique as someone letting a cabby drive the wrong way whilst saying nothing. Which sounds a tad sinister.

Poor James is so Liz whipped he offers to bring back Jo and Sajan. Somehow Bushra and Harrison magically escape like some sort of corporate ninjas whilst Liz sits there gobsmacked she’s got off so lightly until Sugar takes the law into his own hand cos he can and insists Liz comes back too. That’ll teach you for lingering Liz.

Back in and Sugar asks “Are you a control freak Liz?” “NO” she bellows. Jo bitches none stop and I’m convinced she will talk her way into getting fired. However Sajan makes a classic mistake of taking himself too seriously (“Liz was making my job harder as a Director –I have a PHOTOBOOTH business and I understand creativity”). Sugar does a double take (“There’s no creativity in that!” Sajan “There IS” It’s the magic pixies drawing all those faces).

James is equally wanky (“I took a risk and let people be inspired to do something creative”). Oh FFS.

Jo shouts over Liz. “Would you like me to speak or would you like to?” Liz offers. “I’ll go” chips in Jo. Oh love calm down.

Jo’s defence is “I’ve done a lot of DOING”. So ner.

James insists he earns 200k a year. “What do you need my £250k for?” Sugar asks. James insists he’s not a fibber just fucking amazing and with a 600foot penis. Plus he does numbers and can do anything Sugar wants him to if the mutha will just smell his cheese.

Sajan now has switched to acknowledging he has made and learned from errors on the creative side (that was quick) and HE IS SUGAR’S BUSINESS PARTNER (attempt Jedi mind trick).

Jo goes SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT and I can’t be bothered to write it down. I wish she was less shouty.

It’s time for Sugar to pretend to deliberate, so he sees Liz as a control freak, Jo as confrontational, James as weak. And then he sacks Sajan. Which makes me sad. Still when he wins the Palm D’Or next year Sugar will be doing the Face Palm D’oh.

Sajan is gutted in the taxi of doom. I’m sad too. Back at the house Liz looks rattled and Jo looks ANGRY.

Next week. Fuck the candidates. There’s cute dogs. AWWWWWWW!

FLAWED HEROINE: Elizabeth

LIKING:  James, Sarah, Harrison, Andrew

ADORABLE BUT SCATTY AS: Anisa

MUST HAVE A WORLD DOMINATION BUSINESS PLAN: Charles

I Do NOT LIKE: Jade, Michaela, Joanna, Bushra

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne, Sajan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 6 sees our besuited shower of sharp suited shit sent to run tours of Bruges for Brits off a cruise ship. The ones who make most money after selling tours and souvenirs then doling out refunds to angry mobs of passengers win.

There’s jiggery pokery as Harrison is moved to Graphene which now comprises James, Bushra, Sajan, Sarah, Joanna and Liz who takes control and becomes increasingly unhinged with power bless her. She decides on a modern themed tour with Harrison suggesting a trip to a chocolate shop and James going left field by suggesting a segway tour. The team splits to sell the tours and decide somehow to have no communication with each other whatsoever, so whilst James is flogging a segway extravaganza, Liz is plotting a military style itinery. They do some research beforehand and manage to arrange to get commission from chocolate sales.

 

Charles offers to lead Vitality but everyone says no, because he is Charles. Therefore Sarah Jayne leads him, Anisa, Jade, Andrew and Michaela. They plump for the meh theme of “history” and Anisa is asked to lead the tour, but she doesn’t do “factual history” (only the made up stuff presumably) so Charles is asked to help her – with no actual guidance whatsoever. Andrew duly heads off to sell tickets, throwing in the extra element of a visit to a beer place where he promises to “see them well” which attracts punters under the illusion he is going to lay on coke and ladyboy hookers.

Karren follows Vitality around snipping at them whenever they falter, which is often. Anisa pretty much dries up on facts about nunneries and Charles gets everyone lost trying to find the way . “We’ve been walking about 3 days now mate” moans Andrew “I’ve got déjà vu”. “I did that on purpose trying to find the front entrance. I wasn’t lost I just couldn’t find the entry I was looking for” (ooer) Charles retorts as a few of the tourists collapse along the way.

Liz is in fine fettle barking orders at her segway death marchers in order to shift them from venue to venue.  Harrison regales the punters with facts in the main square “The mix of new and old buildings is literally ingenious.. if you look around you can see people everywhere literally”. Everyone, including Harrison, looks suitably baffled.

The cuddly chocolate man gives everyone an interesting talk but before they can get settled Liz grabs Sajan (“I need to talk to you – you have got to have them out of the door by quarter past” before swanning back in “We have some chocolate for you guys to purchase would you like to have a look?  QUICK MARCH schweinhunds! Schnell! Schnell!”). Claude points out that she’s missing out on profit by rushing everybody around. I love her charging about on her Segway – her arm raised yelling “QUICK! QUICK” – she’s like Boadicea. Claude is sad though that the tour was sold as Segway magic and they only get about 10 minutes worth of looking like tits on wheels. They all get back to the boat on time though.

Jo and Sarah haggle for pretty souvenir bags to sell back on ship. Sarah Jayne says sod that and shoves a load of cheapo keyrings into a placcie bag. Classy beeyatch!.

Andrew leads the beer tasting and gets steadily squiffy (“Tha is reaaallly nice!”). The tourists however are not being as well seen to as they expect as functioning alcoholics and do not look happy.

So 90 minutes before the ship sails Andrew’s leading the punters to a horse and cart trip with Anisa floundering away with crap factoids. Everyone looks miserable and Karren continues to bitch. They have to turn back as the trip which was only meant to be 10 minutes lasts 30minutes and the punters have the extra frisson of Charles panicking about missing the boat. Back at the square even Andrew whose been trying to lad it up looks sheepish “That’s the tour finished so er yeahhh”.

On the boat the keyrings and bags both seem to be shifting. Liz does a weird motivational touchy thing (“Everyone turn to the right and pat the person in front of you”).

 

Boardroom time and Karren’s on Andrew’s case for being laddish. Harrison gets kudos for choosing chocolate and doesn’t quite know how to take it and Sugar accuses Liz of being like a North Korean dictator (“What do you sell at your florists – wreaths” “Er yes”).

Anyhow Graphene spent £180.54 and sold £1139.60, but after £156 made a profit of £803.06

Vitality spent £167.64,  sold £993 and had to refund over £165 for being boring so only took £665 profit.

Liz wins and thanks everybody and nearly crushes Sajan with a hug outside. They all get sent off to sit on punts in some rhyming slang joke treat. I love how Liz and Sajan get on – she starts waffling next to him in the punt about the secret of good management. “What do you know about management” he retorts “you manage flowers!”. Harrison is again aghast at things in the world “That is actually unreal” he gasps. No mate it’s Kings College.

In the Sad Café Sarah Jane is saying everyone did a “good job”. Andrew fumes and blames Charles. Back in the boardroom and Andrew is accused of over offering booze. Erm isn’t that called selling? And aren’t all tours a sad shadow of what is promised?

 

Anisa says she felt set up to fail for not knowing facts. Oh dear. Andrew is accused of too much bants (“it’s  not a holiday camp”) and Sugar claims the other team won for taking a risk on souvenirs (which if it didn’t work would have cost them dear… so confusing!).

Sarah Jayne brings back Andrew and Charles – and Anisa gets away with being a bit shit at things.

Karren moans that Andrew was acting like a Uni student as though that is a terrible thing, but Claude points out he was top seller.

Sugar does that fake firing schnozzle (“Charles there’s no way on this earth you will ever be my business partner so on that basis I’m boxed into corner …your cv talks about what a great business man you are.. I  aint seen any of that so..”) before predictably firing Sarah Jayne. In the Taxi of Doom Sarah Jayne blames Charles for “being in charge of logistics” and I start singing “Charles in Charge of our logistics” because I am old).

logistic

Andrew and Charles have their cards marked though.

Back at the house James is being reasonable (“Charles has not done anything wrong”) but Michaela is not so sure. Because Charles is Charles. I’m almost warming to the little sod.

Next week involves advertising and cars. And car crashes. Hurrah!

STILL LOVING: Elizabeth

LIKING:  James (will probably win), Sajan, Sarah

DARK HORSE: Charles

WARMING TO: Harrison

NOT SURE WHAT THEY DO: Anisa, Andrew

NOT KEEN ON: Jade, Michaela, Joanna, Bushra

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 5 and the teams are summoned to Lord Sugar’s old primary school in East Lahndan. All the girls think everything will be less arguey without Siobhan and promptly have a proper big argue.

Lord Sugar announces that he turned 70 this year and therefore demands gifts of nine items marking the millstones er milestones of his career. The team that get the most and  spend the least win. Any items not bought incur a fine based on their value.

James joins Graphene and Jo has to manage them.

Sajan puts himself forward as a Lahndaner to lead Vitality. Charles also throws his hat into the ring as he has “negotiating skills” and everyone rolls their eyes. Michaela backs Sajan as he is “dead good”. Everyone agrees as he is not Charles.

Jo flails in her first meeting. Bushra sub team leader as she is from Lahndan. Jo thinks both Elizabeth and Jade like to undermine and the sound of their own voices. They all waste hours and achieve sod all whilst Jo desperately makes herself heard without actually saying anything.

The items include a retro car aerial, monogrammed hanky, material fit for a Lord’s robe. That’ll be stain resistant Scarlet Doe skin then, 100 bricks (yes Bricks), Roggelach, Amstrad computer (Charles: “It is not a current model” hahah”), items from 1947 and a birthday cake for Lord Sugar.

Sajan prioritises a route and sends the teams to the outskirts of the city where things are cheaper. Ross wants to group by themes but Sajan overrules him. They end up predictably flailing and Ross stops them all by a Turkish (Mazar) Supermarket, having figured out that Roggelach (which nobody can pronounce) is a Jewish food, to ask if they do any Jewish food. Erm no. Claude has his Jewdar on and says Charles should have known.

Jo doesn’t have her Jewdar on (“Is Lord Sugar even Jewish?” Everyone else:”Er yeah”).

James starts a special relationship with the Jewish baker they haggle by a microbe  down on Roggelach and birthday cake and asks the Jewish man “You don’t happen to have a Tottenham Hotspur scarf around do you?” “I’m a Tottenham man” confirms his new mate. Jo bitches at James afterwards in the car “One person needs to own the sale”.

Liz argues hanky monogramming bloke down from £30 to an embarrassing £14.50 after what feels like 5 years of my life. She then annoys subteam leader Bushra by suggesting their proposed route round London is too tortuous” I can come up with constructive ideas rather than being detrimental” snaps Bushra. Our Liz points out that the poor driver has simply been going round the same roundabout for hours and needs direction. Bushra gets testy. Oh Liz the knives are out for you.

Harrison goes all Indiana Jones learning that  THE ONLY AMSTRAD IN THE WORLD is in some woman’s living room in Finsbury Park, 30-40 minutes away from their current location next to a FUCKING BRICK MERCHANT THEY HAVE ARRANGED TO BUY BRICKS FROM. The woman informs Harrison that another buyer (guess who) has reserved the Amstrad, Andrew chips in (“I don’t recall there being many in circulation” and they’re off to Finsbury Park (Sarah points out there are other items to buy but nobody listens because she is a woman).

Harrison never gets beaten – not even to the last acorn!maxresdefault

It’s like Dave Allen’s coffin to the church race but much less exciting as the other team also head to Finsbury Park. I do enjoy Anisa’s one contribution to the show about going there and coming back the same way (“It’s what I’m thinking – in my head”).

Sadly they don’t get there at the same time and fight as Jo arrives first and argues the cheeky woman (who keeps using her “other buyer” as business ballast) from £120 to £88. James even asks is she has a Spurs scarf. Nope but she has an old Liverpool scarf. I bet they get fined as the Amstrad is stolen. (Note I am a Scouser).

Silly Harrison waits until he’s minutes away to call and discover his precious Amstrad is gone. He calls Sajan who agrees foolishly to take on sourcing the fossil computer himself in exchange for Harrison’s subteam getting the Spurs scarf. Madness! He ends up calling some Amstrad hobbyist who’s just getting his tea on and forcing him to trek to Canary Wharf – 45 minutes with only an hour and a half to go. It’s down to the wire.

Michaela haggles down on hankies but they are not monogrammed. ROSS DOES HIS BIT OF STRATEGY (“Are we making a mistake not getting the embroidery done with the purchase”. Michaela tells him to do one. ROSS GIVES UP ON STRATEGY. Michaela goes on to get a free sample of scarlet doe skin and something free from a junk shop lady who is just happy to be on telly so she’s brilliant at scrounging.

Bushra’s still got the arse on with Liz who has “a bit of experience with builders merchants” (we bet you do!). Bushra still insists on doing the deal and Liz cringes until she can take no more and starts talking builder (“You got a skip?”).  Bushra has a snidy whinge to camera as Liz and Jade help load the bricks into the car “She is an unprofessional cartoon character”.

Sarah finds the construction site is shut, but thinks quick and spots some builders who happily patronise her and waste time for Harrison’s subteam in some strange stereotypical triple bluff.

Sajan gets squeaky bum and has to abort his Canary wharf Amstrad deal with a now pissed off hungry geek to get back to the House of Lords by 7pm

James goes to his new JBF’s house (Jewish best friend – everybody needs one) and then gets fleeced for a Spurs scarf, after being offered one for £500 and attempting to get the £50 one reduced (“If you’re gonna haggle on 2quid I’m not gonna sell!” – I love this guy!). Graphene end up paying £30.

Everyone freaks out getting back. Graphene pick up Doeskin for a fiver. Andrew considers paying a spurs fan on the street for their scarf (“let’s face they’re not gonna win the league”).

Sajan’s subteam makes it back in time and is soon joined by his teammates – all relatively empty handed.

The other team moan about traffic. Poor Bushra’s stuck there at 7.45pm waiting for Jo’s subteam to turn up.

So it’s Boardroom Time.

Sugar does some weird Jew diss on poor Charles about letting his subteam go to the Turkish shop (“”Did you think scarlet doeskin was something you cut off your willy?”

Everyone likes Sajan. All the women on Graphene whinge about each other.

It’s all in the numbers

Vitality spent £82.50

Graphene spent £209.70 and got all the items but were fined £100 for being late

However Vitality failed to get three items valued at £347.53 – so their spend was £433.03 so they lost. HAHAHAH!

Karren emotion shames Jo for crying (“What’s wrong Jo? Tears of joy?”) like the utter pretend feminist she is. Graphene get to go to a 40s themed thing. Vitality do also as they end up in the Bridge Café.

Everyone thinks Harrison’s mission impossible was the problem (Harrison: “What can you do?”) and Andrew argues the “strategy was appalling”. At least Vitality HAD a strategy.

Back in and Harrison excuses himself by saying “London’s pretty big”. Ross claims he didn’t get an opportunity to contribute strategy. And Sajan cannily brings them both back in.

Karren thinks Ross is “more academic than a doer”. This is an insult. She likes Harrison for “working hard”. This is all how Brexit happened.

Back in and Harrison boldly argues his case as a loyal footsoldier like Bigwig out of Watership Down. Ross however self implodes as it transpires his CV says “I’m usually the smartest person in every room” and he backs this up by saying he’s an official genius. Bye Ross. Prat.

They all argue on and I can’t be bothered to listen cos Ross is clearly gone here. And yes Sugar ends up breaking up his tedious magic robot pointing to conclude that ”Ross you are a very articulate fellow but you’re fired”. SURPRISE SUR FUCKING PRISE!

Next week.  A tour of Bruges. A fairytale fucking city. Watch out for swans.

LOVING: Elizabeth

LIKING:  James (think he could win this), Sajan, Sarah

DARK HORSE: Charles

NOT SURE WHAT THEY DO: Anisa, Andrew

NOT KEEN ON: Jade, Michaela, Joanna, Bushra

TOSSERS: Harrison, Sarah Jayne

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross