Archives for the month of: November, 2014

Week 8 dawns and the candidates gather amongst the flowers and cute baby goslings at a premium dogging spot, where our favourite brillo pad headed peer instructs them to “tap into the rural market” at the Royal Bath & West show. Firstly they have to find their products, with one proved seller to be selected at the show, and two new wacky ones to be found to introduce to the market via a series of meetings with insane inventors in London. As per usual the team with the most sales wins, and Sugar announces he will be looking for everyone to sell and monitering each individuals’ sales.

Daniel chooses Felipe to lead team Tenalady, and Katie and Mark concur. Daniel and Katie head off to Somerset to check products at the show, whilst Felipe coos over the crazy products; gutter-cleaning robot (“This is amazing! I would like this for my garden”), self flushing cat shitter, flat cap tweed handbags (“Very English! I know my wife would love this”) etc. , child’s bicycle trailer (“I don’t fit in it!”), foldable wellies (“I can see a market for this”) with Mark yes-manning in attendance.

Over on team Armpit, James declares that he fancies this as he’s grown up selling. Bianca tries to butter him up “Do you think you should focus on sales rather than being project manager” but James is adamant he can do both, as he “always puts” his “balls on the line” (sadly not an electrified train line). Whilst James and Roisin head off to the sticks, Solomon, Bianca and Sanjay try to push hard to get leeway on dropping prices and manage to negotiate the bike trailer down to £250 selling price.

Mark agrees with Felipe that the flat cap handbag is “how you imagine all English people dress” (Mark: “Maybe if I bought one for a girl, I might not be standing here a single man”), Mark is all about establishing a relationship with a supplier, even though that’s not the ultimate point of the fricking task”, so they inform Katie and Daniel they’re choosing the product, only to wince when Katie enquires over whether they negotiated over dropping the £60 selling price. “OK, that’s a very good point” declares a crestfallen Felipe. “That could be a very good point” Mark nods, distancing himself subtly from the bad business decisions as usual. Katie’s unimpressed (“No good sales person fails to ask that”). They still go for the handbag as Mark thinks it will sell by waving it in people’s faces. In the countryside they will probably just shoot you for that.

After all their careful fact finding and negotiations, Bianca, Solomon and Sanjay go for the bike trailer and a “pet finder” thing that lights up when your dog runs off to slaughter your neighbours lambs. However, James completely ignores their suggestions and insists on the foldable wellies and hanging chair, cutting off Bianca’s “but” with a brusque “Good stuff guys keep working well done!”

In the countryside man, James picks his way around sad looking sheep and a man molesting a heiffer to discover that “there’s lots of wellies everywhere” (so hardly a new fucking product that you insisted on there). He likes a lawnmower that you can sit on and drive around and seems to get on well with the Joad family who are selling it.

Yes it’s time to pick that fabled “established product”. Daniel understands what they have to do “All we have to do is negotiate a product, sell it and win the task. It is literally that simple!” WIth this in mind he goes to a BBQ stall run by the wild folk out of Deliverance and starts ranting on about their brand and how much (repeated) PASSION he has to sell barbecues, whilst the slack jawed yokel stare at him and a wicker man is hastily assembled. “We’re a family business” points out BBQ Bloke, “it’s not a hard selling show”. Katie diplomatically suggests that he needs to tone down the intensity, but Daniel’s clearly not listening (“That’s what I thought, yeah”).

Katie takes more of a lead with the next product “high-end” hot tubs, talking about how they can “grasp the product” and relate it to people. “We want to make sure people leave with a smile” chips in Daniel (yeah of relief to escape from you mate).

James comes to the same stall and is very impressed that Anthony the hot tub man has sold 7 of these £4000 hot tubs so far today. So impressed in fact that he keeps calling the bloke “Derek” for some reason (being a nob probably). He therefore makes another executive decision on behalf of the team (“Fuck it! Hot tubs!”).

It’s all about the Hot Tubs, and Anthony gets to flirt with both teams over the phone, before plumping with Tenacity as “Katie seemed very intelligent” and he liked her “passion” (not Dan’s passion note). He lets James down none too gently by admitting that being called the wrong name twice made the blustering Northern hobbit look like he was “winging it”. James does a sad, but belligerant face (“Sod him! If what really matters to him was a name!”. He’s broody in the car back and declares that rather than demotivate the team by telling them he ballsed up big time he wants to not tell them at all. In many ways James is like Christ. Roisin doesn’t want to lie, but James does his big toddler pout (“That might be your advice, but what do I want to do”) before informing the rest of the team, to their extreme confusion, that he’s made a last minute “business decision to go with the lawnmowers”. Bianca clearly knows she’s in the presence of a Maverick (“James strikes again!”).

Katie proves she’s much too nice by including Daniel as one of the reasons they won the hot tub deal. Meanwhile Mark gets to work on Felipe (“I’d be far better at selling the hot tub than Daniel”), and whilst he’s undoubtedly correct, I can’t fully believe his statement “I’m not here for Mark Wright today, I’m here for the team”, unless he’s talking about the guy from Towie on Strictly who looks like Quagmire out of Family Guy.

The teams set out their stalls for the new products and Felipe decides funnily enough that Mark should go out with Katie to flog hot tubs. Daniel is more outraged than the whole of Twitter and starts harping on at poor Felipe (“That doesn’t make sense! How can a salesman be happy selling lower end products” – that’s ok Daniel we know you’re not a salesman) but Katie looks sneakily relieved. Mark admits he was “sneaky” getting onto the hot tub gig, but insists he hasn’t seen Daniel sell at all and “you don’t leave your prize pony in the stable” (unless you have a whole field full of ponies).

Meanwhile Solomon awkwardly enquires why James didn’t go for the hot tubs, and James looks shifty (“it doesn’t matter now, get it out of your head”) before leaving them to try to sell thin soled wellies to a bunch of countryside alliance types wearing wellies with soles made out of tank tyres. Sanjay whines as usual about how they left the family and dog products when they’re surrounded by familes and dogs, but James “don’t want to hear about the products” and moans to Roisin about the stall team being negative and bringing up “the past”. “You’re being negative to them”, she points out reasonably and he stomps his foot and yells “Not! Not! Not!”. “I’ll just shut my mouth”, Roisin sighs. “You’re patronising me” sulks the Northern Spoilt Bastard. Whilst Solomon and Bianca manage to sell Sanjay particularly struggles with John McCrirrick’s posh twin sister (“Is it something I could interest you in today?” “No”, Sanjay “It’s a difficult crowd”).

Mark and Katie both manage to flog a hot tub which makes Daniel even more depressed, but Karren hints ominously about having to do finance checks on large items. Meanwhile poor Felipe is much too laid back and sweet to sell, and spends his time being provoked into slightly camp bickering with Not Bitter Much Daniel (“I secured that hot tub deal – he got into your brain. Stop bringing me down mate”). Daniel even tries to nick Katie’s last appointment so he can get a sale, but she points out they are coming back to see her specifically cos they think she’s Sarah Millican, and he’s off on one (“You can deal with my flat cap comeback. What’s the difference?” Over £3000?), declaring himself “royally stitched up”. Felipe finally cracks and admits he didn’t choose Daniel to sell hot tubs as he’s “quite arrogant” and goes “for the kill”. “You talk too much mate!” snaps Daniel. It’s like they’re married.

Nick Hewer notes James and Roisin’s very distinct selling times (i.e. her bothering to learn about the product and the price and him not giving a monkeys) and to nobody’s amazement Roisin sells one first, which unleashes James’ enraged outer child (“Every time I try to talk, you’re all over me! You undermine me, you patronise me”). It’s embarrassing, and as Roisin points out “borderline unacceptable” (more than fricking borderline if you ask me. This footage should be used to help managers pinpoint totally unacceptable behaviour.)

Solomon does well, first of all channelling the Harry and Paul Drs sketch whilst haggling (“45”, “46”,”45″,”46″, “45”, “50!” over the price of wellies and then flogging one of the almost useless hanging chairs to a wimpy, hen-pecked bloke who has to send his wife a photo of the kids dangling in one in order to get permission to make his own fecking decision (“Kids what do you think?” kids “Yay!!! Sucker!”).

Sadly James sells a lawnmower to the Marquis of Bath or someone.

At Mark’s final appointment the customer appears to be driving a hard bargain, until he then reveals he owns a caravan park and would want to buy seven! Even Mark does a Beaker face of gormless disbelief.

Back in the boardroom, with James doing his usual Alpha male impression by swaggering in first (always ruined by the fact he walks like he’s soiled himself).

Sugar mocks Felipe for taking negotiation advice from Katie (“So you phoned mum”) before having a go at Mark and Felipe for not asking the right questions of suppliers (Mark “we never thought of that”, Sugar “we?”, Mark “I never thought of that).
Dan’s described as a “bull in a China shop” and he claims he “did pick up on that”, but Katie reveals she actually spotted it “and had a little chat” (Sugar: “So mummy calmed you down a little bit?” – I wish he’d stop saying that Katie’s their mummy, imagine having to breastfeed them!). Felipe reveals he thought Daniel was too “aggressive” to sell, and Daniel admits he was panicked by individual sales being monitered and regrets not being calmer. Too little too late Dan (Sugar “If I put you in a team of one, you’d have an argument with yourself”). It all descends into willy waving again until mum, sorry Katie steps in (“Do you know how silly this sounds”).

Felipe is happy he stuck by his decisions, but Mark is all for undermining him by claiming the process at this stage is too tough for “nice guys”. Aww bless Felipe, he’s “not going to change being a nice man” (Lord Sugar (resisting a laugh) “Please don’t”, Felipe (earnestly) “I would never change”).

Over on team Armpit, James’s team mutiny and grass him up for being an ignorant shitclown and not listening to their product consultation. Sanjay’s particularly galled over not getting that pet tracker). “What did you fancy?” Sugar asks and James insists that “For me it was the lawnmower” until Roisin begs him to “please tell the truth or it will make the baby Jesus cry”. “Oh no no Ok” begins the explanation of a man caught in a sizeable pork pie, with James insisting “sometimes businessmen make mistakes” but he didn’t want it to affect the rest of the team and was going to tell them eventually, honest, before finally confessing “I called the guy Derek twice instead of Anthony”, at which Felipe pisses himself laughing. Sugar points out he’s more Trigger (“Alright Dave”) than Del Boy, which he claims is his nickname (I suppose like Del Boy, he stopped being amusing ages ago).

Anyhow the sales figures are in:-
Summit sold two lawnmowers and got over a grand on the new products, making £4757.50
However Tenacity, whilst only making £500 on products, manage to shift 10 hot tubs with all the credit checks coming in OK, making a total of £30,115.25 (Solomon looks mightily impressed by Mark selling 7 hot tubs to one bloke who wanted to advertise his caravan park on telly). Whilst Daniel felt “sick” to not be sent to sell hot tubs, Sugar hints he’s lucky his team won and they’re all sent to do a boxing masterclass with Anthony (“Don’t call me Derek”) Ogogo where Mark can fantasise about punching Daniel, but Daniel and his inner rage end up “winning” according to Ogogo and Dan then engages in some homoerotic Women in Love style wrestling with Mark. Guys, get a room.

James’s bottom lip sticks out and Roisin insists that Lord Sugar will “hear a lot more” from her, as she gives her erstwhile PM some ice queen death rays. In Cafe Doom, Sanjay admits he sold the least, which surely means he must go?

Back in the boardroom, Roisin unleashes her tactical nuclear strike on James and it’s fucking magnificent (“He comes across as a cheeky chappy but is demeaning and difficult to work with and hasn’t listened through the entire process… when things don’t go your way you have a tantrum. You leave a trail of destruction behind you.”). Sugar almost looks prepared to justify James’s fibs by claiming he’s kept errors internally quiet for “motivational reasons” (he probably told his people that email phones were brilliant and would be a doddle to sell), but he wants to know why James didn’t fess up at the end of the day as he’d planned to.

However Sanjay gets more stick for “standing around like Wurzel Gummage” and only selling three pairs of wellies, with Nick going all Gandalf to chip in that Sanjay “doesn’t stand out” and is in fact “nameless” (eh?), “NAMELESS!!!”).

James brings Sanjay back for being shit at selling and surprise surprise Roisin but not for pulling him up, oh of course not. Back in the boardroom he elaborates patronisingly “Roisin has shown some good strengths but I question her decision making”.

Roisin tries to say something nice (“I admire your passion and enthusiasm and want to be directed in the right way”) but James doesn’t take it in the presumably intended spirit (“Oh so it’s all about me now is it?”).

Sugar slips into rhyming slang (“Sanjay, you’ve been a banker all your life”), and Sanjay as good as commits process suicide by declaring “I never claimed to be the most amazing sales person”.

Sugar’s concerned he hasn’t seen Roisin enough in the process (that’s because she’s been winning or too good to bring back in the boardroom you walnut-foreheaded fool), but Roisin admits that she’s formal and professional (“I am an accountant”) whilst bigging up her creative side (creating a less crap board game than “The Relationship Guru” – which was clearly a big ask).

Sugar reveals that James’s CV states that he “can get over-excited and on people’s nerves” so at least that part isn’t bullshit. Whilst the world’s tiniest violin plays tragic airs, James delivers a tear jerking speech about never having “had an education” and how he’s in “this big wide world on my own”, and “it’s not about the money money money”, he just wants Lord Sugar to be his daddy or something. Sugar still sees a “spark” in James, although he has “got a lot to learn” , but before it becomes a Darth Vader moment, he asks James to “culture that bit of good stuff about you, and you will go somewhere” before firing him “with regret” (I missed James thanking everyone in the room due to my other half whooping in celebration), but in the Taxi to Job Centre Plus James insists he’s “probably better off on my own in the big wide world, I’m a survivor. One day I’ll achieve what I want to” like he’s reading the synopsis of a 1980s soft rock ballad.

Sanjay with his rubbish selling and general whinginess has dodged a bullet here and Sugar reminds him that it’s “a very loud warning that I want to see something”.

In the house Solomon is mightily impressed by Roisin finding her voice at last “fair play to her” and looks on respectfully as she returns and insists she couldn’t let James get away with lying. Bianca’s amazed that Lord Sugar has sacked his son for this series.

Next week it’s the scavenger hunt where the teams are sent to find weird, wonderful and occasionally even ethnic items. I’m expecting more ignorant cross cultural japes – now James has gone – Daniel I’m looking at you.



Moaning Minny

One’s angry and delusional, one’s good at selling (but doesn’t he like letting everyone know?) and hugely passive aggressive, but which is the biggest tit – you decide!

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun, Steven, Stepford Sarah, Ella Jade, Jemma, Pamela, Lauren, James

Tips for the Final:
Roisin, Katie, Solomon and bloody Mark.

It’s the seventh week of the process of condensing the world of corporate wankery into a steaming bowl of twat soup, and our candidates are summoned to the US Embassy to watch a video of Lord “can’t even be arsed to turn up” Sugar (“I can’t be here as I have urgent business elsewhere” – presumably passing off his honorary degree as proof of his scientific knowledge on Twitter) tasking them with one part of each team creating a soft drink brand back in blighty and the other half launching it in New York by pitching to industry experts with a website advert and digital billboard – all within 4 fun filled days. The winner ultimately will be decided by Lord Sugar’s fickle whim, and he urges them to “work as a team, no matter what time zone you’re in”.

Mark’s already assuming he’s in charge of Tenacity (“We need to put people where they’re best suited”) , but Lauren thinks her “local knowledge” of New York makes her the perfect team leader (“I can’t put myself forward strongly enough”). Mark wants to put his “firm pole in the ground” however: “I do advertising for my job every day. I manage a team of advertising specialists”. Nick Hewer’s nose twitches as his bullshit-dar goes into overdrive (“That’s not quite right is it? He’s a sales manager at a digital marketing firm and not in the least creative”), but Felipe and Katie back Mark (Daniel of course says nothing) and Lauren’s bid for leadership is ultimately gazumped.

Next Mark raises “the elephant in the room” that everyone wants to go to New York, and Lauren again thinks she is the “obvious choice” to go as she’s been there before (it’s not another tour guide task Lauren love). Mark wants to pitch, so of course he’s going. Poor Katie highlights her experience of making advertising videos, but Mark chooses Felipe over her – leaving her stuck with Daniel creating the product (Daniel’s still insisting that he’s a “great salesman” – I reckon a giant rabbit tells him this every night). I’m bracing myself for some Daniel style sexist drink names (“Binta”, “MANgo”?), but this week he merely opts for stupid (“Love Water”, anyone? Daniel’s promised he’ll work his “nuts off” to show he can deliver it!). Lauren and Mark are keen on a health conscious water based drink because that will appeal to the land of the 35% obesity rate.

Bianca leads Summit and elects Roisin to stay at home doing the creative job, with Sanjay who has a perma-flounce for the next 4 days about the injustice of it all. Sanjay suggests a caffeine based energy drink and Bianca agrees. She takes James and Solomon to what James originally calls “Noi Yoik” in the worst US accent since (at which point Bianca starts realising she’s going to have to spend 4 days with this tosser) . James suggests the name “Big Dawg” which seems to stick.
Meanwhile in pissing down Luton, Katie concocts a witches brew of pineapple lychee and raspberry (Daniel: “Three of my favourite fruits”) and stirs in some vitamin B. “This tastes like a soft drink for the mass market” Katie declares proudly. It looks like a urine sample.

Roisin and Sanjay are all about the “funky fruits” (dragonfruit apparently), and whilst Karen watches in horror they stir in enough caffeine and sugar to get the population of Luton tripping their collective nuts off. Roisin thinks “it tastes better than other energy drinks” (translation: It doesn’t taste like a pissoir in Barcelona smells).
The drinks reach the US teams at 8am. Felipe’s not impressed by the subtle concoction of fruits (“The colour is pineapple, the colour is pineapple the smell is pineapple, the taste is pineapple – it’s just pineapple!”), but Mark phones Katie to tell her he likes the taste (“there’s obviously a pineapple theme”). She suggests the name Aqua Fusion, and Daniel envisages an “explosion of water and pineapple” – with Mark happy to leave the branding to him. Felipe, Mark and Lauren test out the product on a load of septics sunbathing in the park (I like how Felipe pronounces “lychee” as “leash”) and they’re all mildly polite (“It’s kinda subtle”), which Nick reminds us is not a good sign in the US of freaking A.

James thinks Sanjay and Roisin’s offering tastes too sour (“I ran a bar and it doesn’t taste like passionfruit to me”), setting Sanjay off on another hissy fit (“Maybe you should have made the drink then”) until Bianca tells him to stop being so negative and he starts making whining sounds down the phone at her.

Daniel gets in touch with his creative side by getting Katie to draw a splash of water turning into a pineapple, which looks like an amoeba. He then describes this down the phone to Lauren – who in turn says she’s had a great idea of a twist around the bottle with the fruit coming out of the water and making a splash. “That’s like what Daniel described” Katie points out helpfully, but Lauren doesn’t think so and Daniel gets all huffy.

Summit test out Big Dawg in Brooklyn (James: “It contains passionfruit, guava and erm dragon fly!”) and the name and taste is pretty popular. They might be in the big apple, but lucky old Roisin and Sanjay get to hang around the advertising agency with a really cute cat (who presumably, like Roisin and Sanjay would hate the name “Big Dawg”) waiting for instructions from Bianca, who seems happy to just say the product is “aspirational” and leave the rest to them.
Felipe is put in charge of directing the video and auditions surviving members of the Golden Girls (just realised that only Betty White remains – it’s the curse of the Golden Girls!) cast for the role of Lauren’s mother, who needs to be able to emote and throw a bottle to the actor playing her basketball playing son. Felipe believes he is “super creative” but has to prove himself as “sometimes lawyers are perceived as boring”.

Meanwhile James and Solomon stare at the models at their auditions and try to fold their tongues back into their mouths (“She looked at me” , “no she looked at me!”, Bianca: “Guys just stop – you’re not casting for your next girlfriend”). “Is that a dragon on your chest?” asks a spellbound Solomon. “No it’s a skull” reveals our model (where did they advertise these auditions? Craigslist?). “She has some big… tattoos” Solomon opines wistfully as she leaves.

Biaca’s happy with Sanjay and Roisin’s branded “Big Dawg” when it arrives as it contains all the information they wanted as well as the tagline “Its bark is as big as its bite”. However “Aqua Fusion” in contrast is bland and apparently contains no information, with Daniel having gone through a serious “yellow” phase when designing the lettering for the brand name and erm the background for the lettering. “You can’t even see the vitamins” Felipe says sadly, and Mark gets the opportunity to declare how “disappointed” he is.

Sanjay and Roisin next design the digital billboard “Big Dawg” with paw prints walking up the screen followed by the question “what dawg would you be?”. Bianca is all “eh?” (Roisin: “Are they snoopy, or rottweilers or chihuahas?”, Bianca: “This is not a dog!”), and Sanjay moans “we’ve had no feedback, we’ve produced a drink and a brand and all we hear is whinging” (which funnily enough stops when you close your mouth Sanjay). James does point out that perhaps Bianca should have been in the UK to actually um communicate with the subteam.

Felipe gets over-excited on the set for “Aqua Fusion” and Mark passive aggressively slaps him into shape (“I’ve put my neck on the line letting you do this. Don’t let me down”). Fortunately Mark declares the finished product “really good”. Lauren suggests adding an ident or something and Mark slaps her down by telling her he already thought of that when he was 4 and sending her over to sit with Felipe so he can bitch about her to camera (“I don’t know how she’s contributed… she would probably say she ran the whole thing”).

Meanwhile Bianca directs a series of talking heads (including Solomon) looking into camera (Bianca: “Solomon can you not squint so much”) and explaining why they drink “Big Dawg” (Solomon: “Because I like to play hard and work harder”). Karen Brady slips into a coma whilst watching production (“It doesn’t say energy to me”).

It’s pitch time and Big Dawg is up first. In Times Square, James almost has a Vanilla Sky style meltdown (“We can smash it! This world is as big as our oyster. As big as we want it to be!”). As Roisin and Sanjay watch a video link (adding an unimpressed running commentary not unlike Waldorf and Statler from The Muppets) Bianca gets Solomon and James to hand out samples until James starts getting over familiar with the soft drinks advertising execs (“Nice jacket”) and she has to call him to heel to start the pitch. James blethers about wanting to be a “global icon” and Bianca describes Big Dawg as “the lifestyle drink of choice within the energy drinks arena”. (what the actual fuck does that mean?). She sees “Its bark is as big as its bite” as a “metaphor for success and the American Dream” (and that? It’s like a Telly version of Pseuds corner).

Then the advert rolls, and I find it interesting that Bianca has gone all early Lars Van Trier by omitting a non-diegetic soundtrack (“Big Dogme”?), but sadly it does all fall a little flat, coming across more as a charity appeal ad than flogging a soft drink. James surfs the general wave of apathy as the ad finishes “Erm are we all feeling energised after the big dawg?” and Bianca explains that she left out music as she wanted an “emotional connection rather than those dull, predictable old “high octane adverts with fast cars”. Back at home Sanjay bitches “that was the most boring advert I’ve ever seen”. One bloke worries about the way the I in Big is represented. “That’s not a phallic symbol is it?” he asks. “Definitely not” James declares confidently. “It’s a bone”. He really doesn’t seem to be aware of what he’s just said. Ha!

Tenacity pitch “Aqua Fusion” next, with Mark patronisingly keen to point out how bloody diverse his team is in terms of background and then introducing not one but two lawyers. Lauren loses it a bit describing the “unique erm erm way those vitamins mixed together” and is reduced to reading the description off the bottle.

She is redeemed by her amazing performance in the TV advert, who gets given a bottle of Aqua Fusion from her caring apple pie mom (“This won’t let you down” “Thanks mom” – hang on, Felipe’s actually filmed a panty pad commercial!). They are criticised for not mentioning fruit in their “dialogue” and Lauren and Felipe go into damage limitation mode (Lauren: “We wanted to be careful of what health benefits we promoted”, Mark: “We have two lawyers here”).

Lord Sugar has a trans Atlantic conference call with the execs, who grass up Big Dawg for having a “borderline tragic” commericial, although they liked the branding and name. They claim Felipe’s advert had an “emotional connection” (?), but despaired of how safe the two lawyers in the team played.

Back in the boardroom and Daniel declares being left at home gave him the “chance to show other parts of my game . I can brand. I’m not just a salesman” (no you’re definitely not a salesman Dan), but unfortunately the branding is dismissed as bland by Lord Sugar, and the penny starts to drop for Mark that he screwed up by not using someone who could create a decent enough product to pitch in the first place.

Sugar applauds Bianca’s decision to take James to New York, given the stereotype of yanks as “loud and obnoxious” (“so James would have fitted in”) and he likes the brand name “Big Dawg”, which Solomon apparently described as “liquid viagra”. James blames Bianca for not giving the UK team “more direction” (Karen: “Or you James!”) and Sanjay just bleats on and on about how unfair it all was that he didn’t get to go on a stateside jolly. However Sugar hates the Big Dawgme advert (“and then you had Joan Baez sitting under a tree. Rubbish!”). Karen bigs up Bianca’s pitch as “very engaging”.
So decision time and whilst Summit’s advert was shit on toast, Tenacity’s was only slightly less shit on toast, whereas Big Dawg actually worked as a brand (“the brand is American, no question”) compared to Aqua Fusion (“Not for the US market”). So Summit win, and James can’t resist muttering something about the Big Dawg liking the Big Dawg, prompting a death ray glance from Sugar (“You cannot help yourself”). Mark goes all grey and pulls a “the horror the horror” face.
Summit get sent for a meal up Tower 42, where Bianca informs Sanjay that if he’d accompanied her to New York “It would’ve been a nightmare”. You tell him Bianca!

In Cafe Fail, Mark thinks it’s “clear where we went wrong, the brand was not strong enough”, looking hard at Daniel (Daniel: “It would be an easy option to take me back in” – erm yes, and?) , before then blaming Lauren for everything ever (“Lauren contributed nothing”).

Back in the Boardroom and Mark’s called out on his bullshit as it turns out he only helps with search engine optimisation and is only creative when it comes to his job description.

Sugar re-iterates that the “starting point of any campaign is the product itself” whereas Aqua Fusion “looks like what big dawg does up against a lamp post”. He goes on to describe Aqua Fusion as “the Piers Morgan of drinks” (does it taste of fanny?) . Mark goes with Plan A and tries to drop Daniel up Aqua Fusion creek (“he wanted to show he could brand”) and the fact you couldn’t even read the product name on the bottle is raised (Daniel: “In hindsight it should have been more prominant”). Felipe feels his advert was the only good point of the launch and Sugar suggests he’s catching Daniel’s delusion.

Mark switches to Plan B (eliminate Lauren) and does that classic thing of winding her up (“I couldn’t tell you one thing shes done in the whole task”) then not allowing her a word in edgeways to defend herself. It’s time to select the candidates to bring back in and Mark lies that it’s a “tough” decision, adding that “Lauren is certainly one” and lingering a second before “regrettably” choosing “Daniel as well”. Who the bladdy hell does Mark think he is with his “regrettably”s?

Back in the boardroom, Mark blames Daniel for the logo (“there’s no point lying about it”), so Daniel asks why Katie wasn’t brought in too (“Don’t avoid the question”). Mark says Katie chose good flavours (erm pineapple) and Daniel hits him with the grand reveal “I did the flavours” (so nerrr!). “Actually I should have brought you in without hesitation” Mark condescends, adding “If I had a pound for every time you talked rubbish I’d have the 250 grand by now”. “How long you been sitting on that one for?” Dan snaps back. Guys, guys put your todgers away.

Dan still insists he “showed creativity” (Sugar: “yellow on yellow on yellow doesn’t work with yellow”, Daniel “I 100% agree”, Sugar: “Stop 100% agreeing with me”).

Lauren is outraged to be there as she “contributed so much” to the “concept”, the “pitch” and the saying “Thanks mom” in a ropy accent. “What did you do” she turns on Mark, “except the website, and even then you wanted your hand holding”. Of course, criticising Mark makes Lauren a witch who must be burned, so he now blames her 100% (what?) for the task failure, as “even Dan did other stuff” (bit of a changeroo of mind there mate). “I did nothing wrong” Lauren insists and he slams her with “Yes nothing and that’s why you’re sat here”.

Sugar sums up that Mark cocked up by not working out his team members skills, and then bringing two lawyers to pitch. Daniel is warned he hasn’t proved anything other than the fact he can’t sell, present or create (how soon we forget the genius that was The Relationship Guru). However on “instinct and gut feeling” he fires Lauren for being a lawyer. In the taxi of sorrow she darkly warns that Dan and Mark’s “day will come” (when they finally just get naked together).

Back in the house and James is annoying everyone as usual by taking credit for all of Summit’s success by coming up with the name “Big Dawg” much to Sanjay’s chagrine.

Like a turd that never quite flushes Daniel returns to the house (“They call me the cat – but I’m really running out of lives”) and Mark pulls a hacky troubled face, despite the fact that both of them dodged a bullet this episode and Lauren can be justifiably miffed by being fired ahead of them.

Next week the teams go to the Royal Bath and West Show for some godforesaken reason. Let the construction of the Wicker Businessman begin!




Of course he’s rubbish but I like the way he winds Mark up
Delusional Daniel

Whining Git

Both of them Utter Arsehats in different ways
Passive Aggressive Mark
Over-Eager James

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun, Steven, Stepford Sarah, Ella Jade, Jemma, Pamela, Lauren

Tips for the Final:
Roisin, Bianca, Solomon and bloody Mark.

It’s Week 6 and the remaining candidates board HMS Belfast so that able seaman Lord Sugar can present them with the series most tenuous link to a task yet (“Vessels like this inspired the boardgame Battleship.. you have 48 to design a boardgame and sell it to trade; the team with the most sales wins”).

Over on Tenacity, Mark’s being a smug prick already (“Daniel, I don’t suppose you want to put yourself forward again?”, Daniel: “As long as I can lead us to victory again.”, Pamela *winces*), but he counts himself out of leading as he “doesn’t have a family” and has “never played a boardgame” (is he an alien?). Likewise, Lauren would be “happy to lead”, but doesn’t think it fits her skill set. Mark plays God and decides matters (“I’d like to give Pamela a go”, Pamela: “er super”). Felipe and Katie cleverly say nothing for most of the episode.

Lauren suggests a simple shadow puppetry game with a sheet and a lamp for maximum fire risk fun, but Dan doesn’t know what people could do with their hands “apart from a bunny rabbit” (I’ll give you a clue Daniel, try cupping your hand and saluting with it really quickly). Mark suggests a dating based relationship game, which Katie suggests should be a “battle of the sexes” and Pam’s all for it – despite not checking whether the retailers will be mainly aiming at children (Da Dah DURR!).

Meanwhile James leads Summit and aims for a family game. Solomon describes a game where children act out negative emotions, which sounds in danger of becoming Waddingtons “Family Shootout”. Roisin suggests a game in which people have to guess country names by acting them out, drawing clues, and then they get to conquer those countries on the board (so that’s “Charades Pictionary Risk”?) and everyone goes with it.

James and Bianca pitch to a bunch of cute kids in their focus group – and they all like the idea. He dispatches Roisin (“You’re quite sensible aren’t you?”, Roisin: “Yes I am.”) to help produce the product.

Pamela chooses to create the game as she feels the relationship concept “should be handled tastefully and erm funly”, so Lauren leads the pitch to what appears to be a cross between an obese version of The Big Bang Theory and a pub quiz team. The bloke who looks like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons says “I like Sci Fi” – no shit Sherlock. Lauren reports back to Pamela that none of them like the idea “of anything to do with relationships” (because they’ve never had one), and Mark qualifies this by saying the group “are not our target market.. and thought the idea was sleazy”. Pamela takes the executive decision to go with the Relationship game anyway despite it not being family oriented or appealing to boardgamers. Why not just brand “Pin the Cock on the Balls” and be done with it? She gets Dan to write “funny, quirky (sexist) questions” like “Which is the most annoying to men? A visit to the Mother in Law, their partner snoring, being anally probed” whilst Karen Brady cringes almost audibly. Rather than being a “fun” game for couples the game morphs into “The Relationship Guru” with the answers to the questions telling players that they are stupid virgins if they make the “wrong” choice out of a series of random options. Dan’s on a roll with these quirky questions though. “What do women like?” he asks a table full of women. Katie starts to speak, but he doesn’t need to hear it, “Eating chocolate!” he declares triumphantly. Yes Daniel, all us girls love scoffing twixes, and whinging, having periods and rubbing ourselves all over with shoes and handbags like fucking mad bitches.

Bianca is charged to photograph a wacky family of pirate fantasists (dad with parrot on shoulder) playing the game on the world’s blandest Argos furniture. Except James barks and fusses at her constantly when she’s trying to get the job done, and sulks when she patiently explains that she knows what she’s doing (“This is my task, I’m PM!”). “I’ll put her in her place, no problem” broods James worryingly before cornering her in the kitchen (“I’m PM. You’ve been difficult”) and being forced to stare moodily at his cornflakes when she asks for examples and refuses to back down. “A wise man speaks cos he has something to say; a fool speaks cos he has to say somethings” says Bianca sagely. “I chose you on my team so I could see what you are about” James harrumphs, in an attempt to look like an Alpha Male mastermind that succeeds in making him look even more dickish.

Felipe helps Mark create a camp montage of hearts, lips and muscles for “The Relationship Guru” which Pam and Dan hate at first sight. Mark gets all prissy (“We did the best we could with the description you gave”) and goes into now traditional early damage-limitation (“We’ve done a very good job today with no direction”). This is why I hate him.

The games arrive and the teams test them out. Geoknow may be dull (unless you’re James who doesn’t seem to understand how it works, and manages to act out the USA by gurning and drawling “huhhh I’m from erm America”), but at least it’s playable (and the schoolkids actually love the finished game). However Tenacity’s test group of hipsters all declare the game sexist (“If someone got this out at a party I’d probably leave”) and Daniel gets all sweaty and intense before stalking out clutching his game (maybe they could just rebrand it Misogyny? It’d probably sell at the moment), before epically distancing himself from it with some creative reminiscences (“Did I like the idea? No. Did Pamela? Yes”).

Roisin looks so much like Gwynneth Paltrow trying to imitate Gina Gershon as she does the pitch for Toys R Us, and James leaps in with the hard sell, asking them to take a million units. They suggest 25 units and Roisin starts asking if they could go half way, but James, in another demonstration of his general shitmuppetry, as good as bitchslaps her in front of the bemused Toys R Ussies, and manages to sell 30 units at £10. Meanwhile Sanjay gets a pitch appointment by talking like a camp robot in the car and manages to sell 15 games at £17 each, and when James hears the news he claims “we’ve been screwed a little bit at the toy retailer” (nope you screwed yourself James – which probably explains why he walks like he’s trying to hold in a poo).

Poor Daniel is out of his depth with the classy lady at Westminster Waterstones, who doesn’t like the sexist stereotypes and doesn’t agree that it will “cause laugh out loud moments” (well it did in our house), so leaves with NO SALES, which Mark thinks is “absolutely horrific” (no Mark, horrific is famine or disease or being born with a weird rectangular head). Pamela does mock shock (“What with Daniel being a brilliant sales person?”) and just as I’m happily despising the pair of them, Mark annoyingly manages to sell the adult oriented game to Toys R Us (“as gentlemen”) as something the missus can take home for the weekend as a bit of fun (that is what wine is for). “I would buy this at your store” Mark lies and they buy 60 at £8 each. From then on, Pamela lets Mark do all the talking, and he does very well at bamboozling humble shopkeepers with Antipodean Gibberish (“You don’t have to be a rocket surgeon to play this game”). Poor Dan lucks out at Forbidden Planet, and I’m shouting at the telly “Just go to Ann Summers!”. Selling ends and there’s stock left (Mark: “There’s no excuses for that”) and Daniel misses out on a pity sale. Pamela is disappointed: “Something’s gone wrong and my hunch is… it’s Lauren!”. Eh? Clearly no sisterly love lost there.

James manages to sell 15 games at £20 each to a posh shop in Hampstead on condition they have exclusivity within the NW3 postcode area. Poor Bianca is so impressed by this idea that she offers exclusivity for the whole of Westminster in exchange for 6 sales to some smug beardy types. Oops. James goes fucking mental (“who gave you authority!!”), as he had two pitches lined up in W1 which are now useless. Also Bianca and Solomon are headed next to Westminster Waterstones, where the lady loves their concept, but aren’t impressed by not being able to sell it in their flagship store. Solomon manages to sell 29 units at the lower rate of £11, but he reckons “Bianca’s mistake cost us hugely”. James bullishly shifts the last of the stock and Summit have won this by miles, no?

Back in the boardroom and Bianca is castigated for her exclusivity disaster (“It’s like you sold Mayfair and Park Lane for a fiver”), but she takes it on the chin, then describes James’s leadership as more of a dictatorship.

Sugar picks up on Mark selecting Pamela as PM to see her leadership skills (“How about your leadership skills? I ain’t seen them either.”) and Lauren is told off for playing it safe. Lauren feels there was a problem with the relationship idea, but Pamela shoots her down icily (“Well there wasn’t too much on the table”). Miaow!

More of Dan’s questions are mocked: “Men think women should: iron, smile more, always be happy?” – actually that’s quite deep, recognising that smiling a lot doesn’t necessarily indicate happiness. Sugar seems to agree (“This is inspired”) oh no, he’s taking the piss.

Mark decides to speak for everyone like he’s in charge rather than someone who’s never played a boardgame, and Daniel can’t resist getting back in on the cockfight (“Every week you come in here, making your assessments”).

Anyhow here’s the scores:

Tenacity sold 128 units and made £1,101
Summit sold all their units and made £2080 – which means James is going to be utterly unbearable for at least another week, although Sugar does a soft card marking (“You still got an incredible amount to learn”).

Summit are sent to kick penalties against a drugged David Seaman (from HMS Belfast to chanting “Seaman” – loving the production team’s work here).

In Recrimination Cafe, Pamela claims people sat on the fence, and really has it in for Lauren. Dan interjects and she plays the “Why are you so aggressive?” card. Back in the Boardroom she claims Daniel and Lauren were “really quiet” (which kind of ruins her argument about their input being wrong), and when Lauren disagrees, Pamela whines “I can’t get a word in edgeways. This is what I have to work with” (oh make your mind up you mad cow – are they quiet or talking all the time?).
Mark claims not volunteering to lead the team was “an oversight” (erm) and sucks massively up to Sugar, winding Daniel up enough to have another crazy non- sequitur of a pop at him (“You like your football analogies. Here’s another one. A good number two doesn’t always make a good number one”) and Mark along with the viewing audience pull WTF? faces.

Daniel is accused of being delusional by Sugar after another sales-free performance (“I’m not accusing you of being a liar, I’m accusing you of being a fantasist”). Daniel promises to “learn and get better”.

To absolutely no-one’s surprise, Pamela brings Daniel and Lauren back into room, but Sugar declares the jury is still out on Mark. The PM claims Daniel was “obstructive and destructive” (eh? He was crap, but not in a deliberate way) and blames Lauren for erm doing market research when she should have been doing market research and not coming up with other ideas based on the market research when really that was, well Pamela’s job. Lauren attempts to interject but Pamela starts up a low hissing drone of Irish bile over everything she says. “You’re talking round in circles and not making a definitive point” Pamela repeats endlessly and pointlessly.

Lord Sugar focuses on Crazy Daniel’s CV which says things like “there are no tactics needed when you’re complete in the world of business” (Daniel “I’m not retracting that statement”) and claims that he has “learned from every mistake he ever made” (Sugar: “You must be a bleedin genius by now”). Sugar offers him a lifeline by pointing out that Daniel disagrees with everything our favourite Merkin faced peer says to him (“That can’t be right… I can’t deal with someone who cannot admit to their own weaknesses”) and Crazy Daniel isn’t quite so daft as to resist this lifeline (“Yes Lord Sugar. I will take on board every single word and you will see a complete change in me”). Inexplicably I find myself warming to Daniel, despite him being a mahoosive sexist deluded tool. With all his crazy godbothering gesticulation and vague air of mild threat, everything about him screams “loser” yet he also feels like the tragic anti-hero of the series (pseud’s corner here I come!). He reminds me a little of Nic Cage in one of his bad acting roles, perhaps the remake of the Wicker Man, and I thoroughly expect Daniel to don a bear suit and start punching women next week.

Pamela gets stick for only having been in commerce for a year (although she tries to claim her paper round when she was 13 counted), but Lauren thinks she should be fired (“I don’t think I should be in here”, Pamela: “you didn’t do anything”). Sugar sums up by stating he’s “struggling how to describe Daniel” (6 letters, starts with M, sounds a bit like ‘gentle’?), and starts teasing us all by saying how “bitterly disappointed” he is with Lauren’s lack of “entrepreneurial spirit” (“Even Daniel, somewhere in his lifetime, sold a bit of stuff” – hmm think you will find Lauren’s done that more recently), but fortunately he sees sense and fires a tearful Pamela for failing to exercise quality control over the product. She flounces off like an evil Kate Bush to slag off Lauren some more in the Bitter Taxi of Shattered Dreams.

Daniel hasn’t even finished thanking God and Sugar raises the spectre of a double or triple firing to “remove deadwood”, but fortunately he doesn’t see Lauren as “deadwood” (she reels off an incomprehensible string of grovelling gratitude) and gives Daniel a “very last chance”, enabling him to walk in on Mark leading an anti-Daniel bitchfest back at the house (“He’s started having personal gos at me. I can’t work with the bloke”) so the thwarted Aussie’s square jaw pleasingly scrapes the floorboards . “Sorry guys” Daniel smiles, “but this process isn’t decided by how well you write questions”. Now that was actually quite cool.

Next week the teams find out where the treat budget has been spent as they get to design an advert for Times Square – the one in New York. Wow!



Warming to

Not warming to

Strange creeping wrongmo crush of extreme shame forming on
Crazy Daniel

Both of them Utter Arsehats in different ways
Smug Mark
Over-Eager James

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun, Steven, Stepford Sarah, Ella Jade, Jemma, Pamela

My tips for the final:
Roisin, Mark, Lauren, Solomon

After last week’s cull, you’d think Week 5 would be much easier to blog, but unfortunately Lord Sugar seems to have retained some of the least memorable candidates, so it’s still as simple to follow as spotting a twat on a tube train. However as some ancient prophecy probably foretold, if you get rid of three massive arseholes in one fell swoop, another arsehole, even vaster and more repellent will come to fill their place. And lo it comes to pass.
Our favourite haunted bollock faced peer of the realm greets the candidates at “South Mimms” wherever the sod that is. (Daniel correctly it’s a service station on the M25, although Mark is unconvinced until the car actually pulls up at South Mims Service Station). They have to create their own coach tours, selling tickets to hapless London tourists wanting a day trip out of the capital. Most profit wins. He balances the teams by saddling poor Tenacity (Daniel, Felipe, Lauren, Katie and Pamela) with humour vacuum Mark.
Sanjay leads Summit (Silent Jemma, Roisin, Bianca and Eager James) and fancies a history based tour with a really good story about Henry VIII and the Canterbury tales (only a few hundred years difference there, why not chuck in a few dinosaurs to really add value?).

Daniel “organising events is what I do” promises to “drive Tenacity to victory” and despite a coup attempt by Mark (who actually says he’s worked as a tour guide), Daniel shouts him down and promises to outclass everyone else. He suggests a price of £80-£85, but Mark says it should be at least 100 quid, and after a brief dick measuring contest, Daniel huffily agrees they can go to £99.50 and Mark, Pamela and Lauren are sent to laugh at him behind his back whilst researching Blenheim Palace. Mark smoothly argues the Blenheim palace lady from £14 per person to £9.50 if they bring in more than 20 punters.

Sanjay does some of his special bank manager magic maths by working out they only have 25 seats and plucking the magic figure of £60 as a ticket price to include the coach trip, a visit to two attractions and a packed lunch. He sends James and Jemma to Hever Castle, where James is put in charge of negotiating a discount and promptly demands 80% off, laying into Jemma when she suggests it could be a bit embarrassing for the Hever Castle representative (James “Oh you read minds now do you!” Jemma – cringes as far away from him as is humanly possible). Hever Castle lady starts off by laughing in James’s big oiky face when he asks for an entry price of £3.10 when their normal group rate is £12.25, but she ends up looking at him like he’s a turd in a sink as he continues aggressively haggling for hours, eventually getting a tiny discount (and probably doing an internal fistpump). Meanwhile Solomon manages to charm a load of laydeez to join Summit Tours.
At St Paul’s, Daniel helps Katie out by scaring bemused tourists away from her sales queue, but she struggles with the high price (“They thought I said 19 not 90”, Daniel “Keep going, that’s fine”, Katie (sighs) “Next”), although eventually she manages to flog about five seats to the chronically confused and Nick is impressed that they’re keeping the price high.
Pamela, Lauren and Mark are horrified and have an enjoyable bitch about how shit Daniel is on the way to their next attraction which is erm a boat (maybe some of these tourists come from deserts?) where Mark also annoyingly negotiates a decent discount. Desperate Dan ends up flogging tickets to a company (“Do you know Churchill was actually born on the toilets in Blenheim Palace”) and they get 9 more passengers but he drops the price right down to £65.

Poor Jemma ends up following a shouty James as he runs off to find the Canterbury Tales attraction where she politely asks what the recommended discount would be? Much too polite for James’ liking and he pushes in to hammer the Canterbury Tales lady into submission whilst poor Jemma stares at her shores. “I don’t know why Jemma’s still here” James rants “I had to step in. In business you’ve got to be hard. You get pushed over if you’re not”. Well, he’s jumped over that line between eager and thick to proper prize bellend and no mistake.

Bianca entices a group of students to take the historical tours by admitting there’s only 9 tickets left and they are the last group she’s seeing. One smart arse takes the open goal “So are we your final chance?” and they all laugh at her neediness, but still she sells all the seats at £45 each, which Sanjay is well chuffed to hear of, although James goes into a permasulk.

Lauren, Mark and Pamela create the merchandise, with the latter well peeved with spending her night “ironing a fecking image onto a bag”, so Daniel gets short shrift when he calls (“You sound extremely negative, I don’t know why.”) and suggests she might be on a “power trip” (at least he didn’t suggest PMT).

6.30am the next day and Tenacity turn up at Victoria Coach Station in their yellow waistcoats and ties (Felipe: “We look like the crew of a really expensive airline” – erm no you look like someone’s stolen UKIP’s coats). Mark shoves the passengers onto the coach (customer:”I’m excited!”, Mark: “You should be!”) whilst somewhere in an Aldi Katie manages to buy all the cheapest packed lunch items (“Mr Kipling’s Bramley Apple Pie, that’s very English”) to feed the multitude at £2.10 a head. Classy! Not so impressive when it turns out to be half a shit sandwich (Mark “that would kill a brown dog” – erm?) and £1.50 extra for some water when it finally arrives.

Sanjay’s Summit Tours are slightly tardier, but eventually they’re off, and some dick has put James in charge of in flight entertainment (“put your hand up if you think I’m good looking!” one bloke and one Japanese lady raise their hands slowly), pointing out all the sites (“There’s cafe Nero on the left”) and embarking on a Footy Fan ‘sings’ the songs of the nursery medley all the way to Hever Castle whilst the passengers contemplate using the little fire hammer to break the windows and throw themselves gladly into the path of oncoming traffic (passenger: “This is Torture” James: “You hum it love I’ll sing it!” etc).

Lauren does an impressive job as a tour guide at Blenheim Palace and even Nick Hewer’s impressed (“She’s mastered the fact”). Meanwhile Summit arrive at Hever Castle and, oh christ on a bike, what dick gave James a loudspeaker? James flaps round in a cape leading the poor passengers on a topiary based death march through the gardens (“Erm that’s a bird.. and that’s a shape”: truly he is the Bush Master) before handing over to Jemma’s faltering history masterclass (“There is a photo of Henry VIII over there I think”). A tourist asks her what the artifact on top of the fireplace is, but Jemma reckons it’s just some old shit as it’s not even in the guidebook. In Anne Boleyn’s bedroom, Jenna tells the tragic tale of how the queen was “actually imprisoned before she was executed” as opposed to just sneaking up on her and executing her in the street as a surprise. Then it’s back to the gardens for James to flog them pictures and keyrings like an insane market barker (if only he’d promised not to sing on the way home, he’d have made a fortune!). Then it’s off to Canterbury with James sensitively announcing he’d give the coach toilet 10 minutes if I was you to his poor victims before Sanjay bores them to sleep with his fun Kentish factoids.

Oxford graduate Felipe has changed into his UKIP striped jacket and a straw boater to entertain the punters on the boat trip with a lecture about Oxford (the most fun fact is “there are more pigs in Oxfordshire than people” it goes downhill from there) going through the entire University prospectus and application form (“if anyone has any question or any facts you would like me to go through again”) as the customers fondly dream of an iceberg looming ahead of them.

Summit do a Spinal Tap in Canterbury and spend hours trying to find the Canterbury Tales place, so the tourists fortunately have less of James in a cowl honking on at them (“WELCOME to the fourteenth century”) before Sanjay apologetically drags everyone back to the coach (James: “Let’s have another sing song on the way home”. Passengers claw at glass screaming). As Tenacity arrive back home on time, Summit are still 45 minutes away having a fire auction on unsold crisps and lemonade. James is obsessed by his knackers (“we’ve absolutely worked our balls off tonight”) but Solomon’s worked out “If the other team sell high, we’re absolutely screwed”.

So it’s Boardroom time and Sanjay gets stick for his stupid low price, whereas Karen points out that James shocked Hever Castle lady with his attitude and James throws a massive toddler strop yelping on about how he sold nearly “EVERYTHING” and even shouting over Karen when she points out his approach is “different” by yelling “If I hadn’t done that we wouldn’t have all this money! You guys tell Lord Sugar what YOU sold” as if he’s some sort of massive imbecilic tool who didn’t get breastfed enough.

Daniel’s under fire from the rest of Tenacity who all diss his lack of sales ability until he’s left gulping on about being an “events manager” and takes credit for selling to the business . Even Felipe disagrees and declares it a “group effort” and Nick backs the rest of the team up, rubbing salt into the wounds by disclosing that the business would have paid more than the £65 Daniel offered. Mark declares “the manager lost the dressing room” and bigs himself up for getting a 60% discount at Blenheim Palace and you just know James wants to punch him or compare testicles.

It’s numbers time and Summit sold all their tickets making £1395, but spent £582, so their profit was £813. James looks well smug.

Tenacity only made 20 sales but sold high to make £1531 – and spent only £492 – making a profit of about £1038. James looks like he might cry or wee himself. Poor Dan gets no credit (not even a hug on leaving the boardroom) and everyone pats Mark on the head, which the smug Aussie fool just loves. They get sent to absail down the Orbit sculpture and you hope the team aren’t holding Dan’s rope. Mark offers some inspirational (patronising) advice (“We were hard on you but it’s better to learn now”), but Dan fucks him right off (“I’d rather win ugly than lose being liked”) leaving Mark with a face like a smacked arse and me liking Daniel for a millisecond.

In Cafe Doom, Sanjay holds Bianca responsible for the fail because of underselling to the students. Roisin thinks James was too aggressive so he rants at her to prove her wrong (“I was selling, you were talking and holding a clipboard!”). They go back in and Sanjay admits James’ nursery song soundtrack was “in hindsight… a poor decision”. Having established that James didn’t even stop when the passenger complained it was “torture”, Sugar sighs “When are you going to stop?” and James is wound up and off claiming he WILL prove himself (“I got a pair of bal… I’m prepared to do that”). It’s established Sanjay ddn’t work out the pricing properly even though as a bank manager it’s the first thing he’d ask a client starting a similar business. Bianca gets stick for “the opening gambit ‘Hello you are my last chance'” and looks terrified (“I didn’t use those words” Solomon, panto stylee: “Oh yes you did”). Jemma gets stick for knowing fuck all history compared to swotty Lauren (“I believe I swotted up also”) and the mortifying fact that she says in her CV “I’m always the girl that NEARLY wins” (is she 15? she may as well just type “I want a pony” in 72 point font), which she ‘explains’ away claiming “Generally I lose out.. I’m not claiming to be perfect.. I know I’m on a learning curve”. Someone give her first prize for digging a hole. Anyhow Sanjay brings back her and Bianca, and Roisin pulls a “What the actual fuck” face.

However James’ card is well and truly marked by Lord Sugar (“You are this close to a firing.. for the last bladdy time clean up your act and stop being a clown”). He strolls back in his massive shoes to a car, but when he gets in all the sides fall off. Hilarious!

Back in the boardroom and Sugar thinks none of them have brains when it comes to pricing. Sanjay starts getting all snippy with Bianca (“You didn’t communicate any concept to us”) and then with Jemma when she says he should be fired (“You said Bianca earlier, you’ve changed your mind.. it doesn’t show much of a backbone!”, Jemma “I listen”, Sanjay “You don’t do much” ooh miaow!). Sugar thinks it’s hard to blame anyone other than Sanjay for the pricing, but he doesn’t know what Jemma’s been doing for the last 5 weeks. However Bianca’s “got some potential” so she’s ok, except he randomly now decides that dropping prices is a “fireable offence” (not as bad as a half empty bus surely?) and teases us all by doing that “It is regretful” intro before letting a distinctly relieved Sanjay off the hook and firing poor Jemma who in the taxi of eternal what if she still believes that one day she’ll win something. If I knew where she lived I’d send the poor cow a scratchcard with “Don’t stop dreaming!” written on the back.

Back in the house Roisin starts winding up the James again (“You got away with murder”) and in case we weren’t convinced he was an obnoxious, defensive little shit he snaps back “What did I do wrong? Singing on the bus!” before letting them all know how they’re all crap and he is great and skill and his balls are much bigger than Roisins so there!
Daniel tries to glean a small ounce of credit for his PM skills (“On the day we did quite well”) but Mark’s there to slap him down like some horrible fundamental Christian schoolteacher (“You learned a cheap lesson today. You’re a liar. You claim other people’s work.. it’s just so tiring”) and Dan goes to sulk in the corner (“I don’t like being called a liar when I’m not”).
Next week the teams have to come up with a board game. Hopefully one which involves strategy, luck and beating James and Mark round the face with a giant mace covered in acid.

Think she’ll win, but still not warming to:


Big Swinging Dickheads:

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun, Steven, Stepford Sarah, Ella Jade, Jemma