Archives for the month of: November, 2019

I won’t be able to write this up for a few days due to a simply jam packed diary Dahhling – so as a taster here’s a clip of THE MOST AWKWARD GIG EVER!

Ep9 Most Awkward Gig EverSorry about the inconvenience – cheerio for now!

Dean reads the summons inviting the candidates to Battersea Depot (he pronounces it “De – POTT”) –

Ep 8 Dean reading.jpg

that arrives in a box of Hi Viz Vests (which confuse everyone – apart from Thomas – oh god my eyes!

Ep 8 Hi Viz

) where they are tasked with running corporate hospitality away days on steam trains with themes, catering, entertainment and (shudder) team-building exercises. They get to negotiate prices with corporate clients and most profit wins (although they could lose out through refunds if the clients are unsatisfied – as if).

Sugar plays Kingmaker and Lottie is made leader (ooh the power) of Unison (Dean, Scarlett, Carina) and Lewis is pulled over to join them.  Ryan Mark  is appointed PM of Empower ( Pam, Marianne and Thomas) . Ryan-Mark immediately decides this is all about luxury and as a man who sells posh knickers he knows about that. He wants to connect with the clients emotions via the theme of historical royals. Marianne argues that should be profit task (there she goes again – obsessed about profit), but Ryan-Mark haughtily reminds her that the client will have high expectations. It’s time to pick entertainment and it’s a toss-up between “String Sensation” ensemble and a contortionist called Claudia. Lewis has flashbacks to Titanic, sadly there wasn’t a contortionist scene (unless you count the cast swallowing their own artistic integrity) so the strings are in (Ryan Mark “that was MY thinking from the start” – of course it was, love). Thomas is well impressed gushing to camera that “Ryan Mark oozes luxury) but he’s still sent to be Pam’s number two in the catering subteam (although seeing as this involves food tasting it’s all luverly jubberly)whilst Ryan-Mark, Lewis and Marianne go off to the corporate client.

Lottie (basking in the glow of being Sugar’s “chosen one”) also thinks this task is “profit first and foremost”. Carina suggests a circus theme and Lottie amends it to 1920s jazzy greatest showman circus theme and plump for a juggling duo – could be fun on a train. Carina’s appointed sub team leader of the catering team due to her bakery knowhow. Scarlett is picked to join Lottie on the corporate team, and Dean’s nose is well out of joint (“I want to stress the importance of me being on the corporate team”). “I have full faith in you” Lottie soothes “Now GET IN THE KITCHEN CINDERS!” Dean looks wounded.

Off to the corporate clients. Ryan-Mark’s subteam visit STA travel who are holding a 40th anniversary and (surprise surprise) just want to get pissed (or a fun, exciting day). Marianne manages to gauge more information about their company which suggests they’re young and vibrant. Then Ryan-Mark hits them with his offer of a quintessentially British experience with musicians building the ambience and STA look a bit bored. We party all the time they say. There’s a stunned pause. STA argue down Lewis’s proposed £500 per person to £199.50, and get rid of the musicians, which is agreed far too easily (much to evil Claude’s chagrin). “This is a task about profit” he mutters grimly, before working a nurse to death for a pittance). Ryan Mark is dismayed that his splendid regal event will be reduced to a booze-choo choos (“This is meant to be luxury; this is the antithesis of luxury”).

Meanwhile Lottie and Scarlett meet Soft Drinks company Franklin and Sons and Lottie promises to personally provide Michelin Star service (I guess that’s a thing?). They suss out dietary requirements in advance and then talk money, offering £300 per head, which is argued down to £200 – the client suggest not bothering with the circus act and ask her to “pledge not to run out of drink”. Oh oh.

In the kitchens Thomas stuffs down pudding tasters like Greg Wallace on a sugar lower. Lottie phones and tells Carina alcohol is more important to the client and Carina worries she’s promised unlimited booze (which she sort of has). Lottie reckons a bottle per person should be enough. Lottie doesn’t know many real people. Carina worries they will expect unlimited alcohol and bless her orders 44 bottles to cover 15 people, plus the 4 bottles of prosecco Lottie demands for the reception. God love Carina she’s my sort of gal. Lottie also says the entertainment is cancelled. Carina’s not sure how having no jugglers would fit in with the circus theme and auditions them anyway spinning a sob story about the budget. Dean offers “no more than 100 125” – nice work fuckwit that’s 100 out of the question. They argue 145 then 135 and somehow end up shaking on 140 despite Dean screwing up haggling royally.

Just as Thomas and Pam agree the beef pie for £30 per head (what?!) Ryan mark phones and says the client want a lower cost experience and no musicians. Thomas is sad, he was looking forward to pretending to be in showbiz. “If I get the band to play for free can I have them?” he asks wistfully and he takes Pam to audition the Stringies anyhow, promptly falling in love and acting the big showbiz empresario – all he needed was a cigar and an entry on the sex offenders register. He tries to play the sob story and they offer him £20 off £250. He phones Ryan Mark and insists they need to book this band, admitting the cost. Ryan Mark agrees happily – handing up and declaring “Luxury is BACK in the business!”.

Next day 6am – Lottie grills Dean and Carina on the wine situation and Carina admits they bought 44 bottles. Lottie freaks out (“You went completely against what I communicated”) and then finds out about Carina booking the entertainment and has a little evil WHY CAN’T I CONTROL PEOPLE meltdown.

Ep 8 Lottie shocked

Dean begs Lottie not to put him in the kitchen again so she whisks him into her car like the white witch in Narnia, to plie him with Turkish Delight and get the dirt on Carina and whether she made the decision to “disregard” Lottie. Dean is only too happy to dob his teammate in.

ep8 lottie dean car

Carina’s phone rings. It’s Lottie. Demoting Carina as sub team leader. “Seeing as you are incapable of having any position of leadership”. Ooh”. Scarlett (with a bemused face) is put in charge of the kitchen

ep8 scarlet carina

as Lottie hangs up with a breezy “Have a really lovely day and I will speak you later bye”. Passive aggressive masterclass there.

Ryan Mark decides to bring Thomas onto Front of House for Hi-Energy and send Marianne to the kitchen with Pam because women like kitchens don’t they?

Marianne does a business burn suggesting Ryan-Mark is old and out of touch: “Do you think your disconnect with our target demographic is a problem?” (oof sick!).Ryan-Mark insists that however stretchy things might seem he’s not forcing a stretch or something.

Marianne suddenly wonders about vegans and calls the food supplier who says he can put on 2 vegan risottos for £50 (WTF? It’s rice and veggies! Go to a corner shop now!). Pam worries they will be in an awkward position if anyone has allergies. Lewis yells around to find out if there are any dietary needs (bit late). On a positive note the Incredible String Band goes down a storm. Even Evil Claude thinks it’s buzzing. And Ryan Mark is happy. He has his trusty knight.

ep8 king and knight

The receptions begin with Lottie promising STA “There will be no dry glasses today” before some alcy from Finance asks for a top up of Prosecco when it’s not even 12pm and the rest of the hobos from IT have sunk the lot already. Oh dear. Lottie offers orange juice as an alternative. Strangely it’s not snapped up.

We only get one shot of the jugglers who appear to be juggling children. Yewtree!

ep8 juggler

Lottie poshwomansplains how to do super-duper Michelin Star service to a nonplussed Dean who you sense doesn’t give a shit which glass is which and where the napkin should go (answers on a napkin please).

ep8 lottie dean train

Thomas  has the right idea bouncing in “who wants a drink? hands up” and bouncing out and back to hand out beers like he’s hosting a BBQ.

Lottie’s STILL trying to sort drinks out and bosses Dean to find some wine before running out to find said wine and, being incapable of opening it (“Oh bloody hell where’s Dean? DEAN!!!”) stalking off to find Dean (“Where the FUCK has Dean gone”) before bawling him out in front of the punters. Comedy gold.

Empower are behind on service (Ryan Mark “I’m getting more updates from the royal chef”) and rushes off to beast the kitchen skivvies (“Come on! We’ll be in London soon”).

ep8 king skivvies

A punter asks where the food is and he blames Marianne and Pam, although he fails to lend them a single hand. Anyhow despite Marianne’s best precautions one guest has a gluten intolerance – the ONE intolerance Marianne hadn’t prepared for (Actually there must be more, STA seem a very nice non-Brexity bunch). With the aid of an allergen list from the caterer they work out the only gluten free thing they have is a fruit salad which they decide to share as a main (A – isn’t that a fruit salad that either the gluten intolerant or someone else ordered for dessert? B – why not wash off some of the veggies from other meals sides and make a soup?) . Ryan Mark suggests they make the fruit salad look “as pretty as possible” and goes to talk to Jenna, the lactose intolerant, who’s very reasonable about it all (probably just weak and hallucinating by now). By the time her food arrives it gets a sarcastic round of applause from all assembled. Apparently she gets a bottle of wine compensation. At £200 a head make that 4!

Nom nom!

ep8 nom nom

Whilst Scarlett and Carina manage the food quite well, Lottie is so keen to assert her dominion over Dean (“take two plates at a time – well I can take three plates – would you know how to do that?”) ultimately having a mini meltdown forcing Carina to run from the kitchen and repeatedly beg for service.

There’s barely time for the teambuilding exercises – a fairly standard drawing challenge from Scarlet and Carina, and with seconds to spare some bizarre mime game with Lewis, and the 4 hours are up and they’re back at Victoria. Lottie’s already sharpening the knives for Carina.

In the Boardroom Lord Sugar describes Lottie and Ryan Mark as highly educated and eloquent. Hmmm. Lottie goes first talking about the circus theme and making sure NOT to mention Carina’s input. Her team take turns to give her a kicking for not understanding the client and giving the impression the booze would be bottomless. Carina states that Lottie demoting her could have affected team morale and Dean just thinks he was charming. Silly boy. Turns out Karren liked their grub though so it’s looking good for Unison.

Ryan Mark gets slammed for his obsession with luxury and utter failure to understand the company and to deal with food intolerances. He claims it was Marianne’s job to ask “company questions” and she failed. Bit of a broad remit there. He also gets called sexist for putting two women in the kitchen whilst the men did FOH (although it’s the same on Unison – a woman did front of house there too).

Sugar definitely has the hots for Thomas teasing him about loving the food tasting like he loved the lollies and toys (“Did you love the train?” “Yeah!”) and fell in love with the violinists.

Any scores are in: Empower spent £985 but had to refund gluten intolerant woman £200 despite her free wine so their profit was £1812.

Unison spent £871 and had to refund the alcoholics at STA 10% because their prosecco glass was dry for a millisecond. So profit was £1828. “Bloody hell!” gasps Lottie, as well she might – it’s just over £15 difference.

Winners are sent to learn the art of Sabbrage (?) which is opening a bottle of champagne with a sword. You could put someone’s eye out like that. She gets pissed and after slagging Carina all day says sorry and tells everyone they’ve been wonderful. Aww.

The losers play the blame game in the sad café with Ryan Mark STILL trying to blame Marianne for not asking about dietary issues when it transpires he has a fricking nut allergy.

Back in and Sugar quips their theme should have been the Hunger Games. Ho ho.

Thomas is reprimanded for booking the entertainers but he points out he consulted Ryan Mark, so no good whinging that Thomas went against his instructions. As Sugar points out “he phoned and you agreed”. Ryan Mark decides to bring Pam and Marianne back having stuck them in the kitchen for most of the task because they’re easy to blame and Marianne asked him awkward questions which he dislikes, and Thomas goes all Tarzan in his defence of Pam (who says she saved this task – er when? You LOST!). “I’m not avving it” he insists – wearing that knight in shining armour gear has clearly gone to his head (and he fancies Pam).

ep8 hero tom

Eventually Thomas goes all noble sacrifice and offers to take Pam’s place as he’s NOT having it. Ryan Mark’s all “OK if you want to so desperately – nudge nudge this will get rid of Marianne a bit quicker eh boys?” but makes the classic schoolboy error of attacking Thom again for his negotiation with the string band. Thomas points out he said the price and Ryan Mark now claims Thomas “bulldozed” him down the phone. Oh do me a favour. Marianne points out after Thom got the band Ryan Mark was dancing and shouting “I got my luxury”. Sugar tries to tease Thomas into thinking he’s getting fired but it’s no surprise it’s Ryan Mark – I’m just shocked he got a “with regret”. He flounces out to the Taxi of Doom announcing imperiously he’s going home to have a bath, some champagne and he’s never getting on a train with poor people again.

Thomas returns to a heroes welcome from Pam. “I’m like John Gotty (!)” he announces, “they can’t get me”.

Next time – the candidates have to mix a track into the “next big thing” and  what the actual fuck does most of this have to do with business?!


Liking:   Scarlett (just let her win already)

Meh:, Lewis, Carina, Marianne, Pamela

Finding almost endearing a small amount of the time: Thomas

Awful in almost complementary ways: Lottie, Dean

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn, Iasha, Jemelin, Ryan-Mark (It feels like Sugar’s finished the ethnic cleansing and is starting on the gays)

I miss the start of the show because I was in a Panto rehearsal (Oh no YOU were!), but the candidates were summonsed early doors to the London Stadium in Stratford (Up the ‘Ammers!) with their overnight bags where they’re greeted by Lord Sugz on the big screen (he can’t be there today cos he’s a Gooner and has apparently been called away on “Urgent Business” – as if). The tenuous link to the task is that the stadium helped rebrand Stratford whereas the candidates will be rebranding the country of Finland, best known as a winter destination, by creating an advertising campaign (logo and digital billboard) to entice UK holidaymakers there in the Summer months. Half of each team get to go to Finland and make a 30 second TV ad. Campaigns are pitched to industry experts and “best” one (as chosen by Sugar) wins.

Marianne and Thomas join Empower (Jemelin, Pam, Ryan Mark) where Jemelin puts herself forward to lead as she’s been to lots of countries and is a sun seeker. Ryan Mark bigs up his marketing experience but immediately backs down when asked if he’s putting himself forward. Marianne also chucks her head in the ring, saying she knows fluff all about marketing but does know the strength of her team members. Thomas plumps for Marianne, Pam for Jemelin so Ryan-Mark is the queenmaker with his casting vote and he loves it!

Ep7 RM Queenmaker


He chooses Marianne. Jemelin looks sad. Thomas is keen to find a new market and asks about the gay community. Ryan Mark is the expert (“Do you want to think about LGBTQ+”) and assures them it’s a “very broad” church and anyone can join, plus Finland isn’t just Sun, Saunas and Suicides – there’s also lots of Same-Sexery about there too and Helsinki Pride is the jewel in the Finnish Summer calendar. Marianne jumps on Helsinki pride as it attracts 100,000 people and they’re agreed. Marianne chooses Jemelin as sub team leader to go to Finland with Ryan Mark (who she wants “in front of the camera” presumably as he is now Team Gay) and Pam.

Lewis and Carina head to Unison, joining Dean (who’s already PM as Lord Sugar has marked his card), Scarlet and Lottie. Dean asks for thoughts about target markets and Lewis brings his travel knowledge to the foreground (“I think backpackers are AWESOME”) and Carina agrees with Dean also “leaning towards backpackers”. Lottie thinks “empty nesters are the best” cos she’s crazy and her grandparents and parents spend MONTHS abroad (and don’t tell her where they are). Dean is now “sliding towards the empty nesters” like an unimaginative jelly, but Lewis pushes backpackers and Dean is all “well you’re an expert Lewis”. Grow a set Dean! He chooses Lewis to lead Lottie and Scarlett on the Finland expedition whilst he and Carina work on the branding.

Marianne and Thomas pick out an actor for their video and settle on Hugo, a Che Guevara alikey who Thomas fantasises about sharing a nice hot-tub with Ryan Mark. Hmm.

Ep7 Hugo

In the car to Heathrow Lewis confesses he’s never been to Finland before but he did go out with a Finnish girl at University (until she Finnished with him haha). “I don’t think that’s the same” deadpans Scarlet.

The Finnish adventurers are given brochures before their flight of what delights they can film with Empower getting a woodland cabin, Sauna and Jacuzzi. Ryan Mark feels it should be targeted at a young couple who have just come from Helsinki Pride and are making their way to their cabin retreat. Jemelin likes the idea of showing the love of two people no matter what gender they are (she is fab) with lots of “actively hugging and possibly kissing” (Ryan Mark wants to check out the actor before committing to this). She does lots of big pictures with her hands whilst talking through her ideas but nobody takes any notes or storyboards and Karren is unimpressed.

Unison’s brochure features the rather crap “jetty on a lake” and they scribble out a storyboard with Lewis wanting 6 scenes, 5 seconds per scene. He’s already talking about “camera pans” so we have found our frustrated film director of the series. It’ll be hairs in the gate next.

Meanwhile in London everyone left heads to the marketing agency. Thomas is taking over as usual and creates a logo based around the Finnish flag. “Can we ave some tree outlines” he asks “I know – type in NORWEGIAN TREE”. Erm. “Finland tree” Marianne says – see he’s letting her have SOME input before ignoring all her other suggestions. The D of Finland becomes the Rainbow flag and the tag line is “Where Pride meets joy”.

Ep7 Pride Meets Joy

It’s all a bit “Strength through joy”. Also why are our gay people being urged to escape to Finland. Are the right wing going to start trying to purge them next?

Carina and Dean have come up with a strapline “Explore Finland; Experience Endless Adventure”. Carina’s doing most of the talking. “Have you got any immediate ideas?” she asks. “Er what do you think?” he responds lamely. He’s such a passenger maybe he should be their target audience. She basically comes up with the entire logo and his contribution is to make the font green to make it “outdooresque” (?).

Ep 7 carina logo

Over in gorgeous Finland the teams check out their filming locations and Ryan Mark proves to be a Hammock Wassock.

Ep7 RM Hammock wassock

Ep7 RM Hammock wassock2

At the Lake Lewis decides to promote safe sex with a giant femidom.

Ep7 Lewis femidom

He’s getting so into bossing around his cast and camera man (who’s even doing shots with a drone) that nobody else gets a look in. Scarlet looks amused by his alpha male running round with his kit off and his tats out going on about how great he is stylings.

At the Forest retreat Ryan Mark’s being very coy getting into that Jacuzzi. What’s under the bath robe love?

Ep7 RM jacuzzi

I mean Hugo’s got his revolutionary nips out and everything – don’t be shy!

Ep7 Hugo nips

Jemelin wants more romantic shots and panoramic shots and Pam tries to talk her into getting quick shots that can be edited into the 30 second ad, but I don’t think it makes any difference. Jemelin makes the classic error that it can all be handled in edit. Yes it can if you have a fricking year!

It’s starting to look a bit amateur porn.

Ep7 sauna porn

Later Jemelin has a major director hissy fit when Ryan Mark tries to tell her how to film a shot. Everyone else looks embarrassed and Pam has to break it up. Handbags!

Ep7 jemellin director hissy fit

Back in central London Carina’s trying to come up with ideas for the Piccadilly Circus billboard ads and Dean is still being a useless wonk who has clearly coasted through life nicking other people’s ideas so far.

Thomas shows Marianne his idea “just quickly” i.e. step by step and fully formed no argument will be brooked.

“So there’s this couple right at the Helsinki Pride”.

Ep7 couple at pride

Next they’re sitting in a blue circle that represents “a beautiful Jacuzzi. Bosh!” (Didn’t know Bosch made Jacuzzis). Marianne just caves in and films Thomas dressing like what he thinks gays dress dancing about with and hugging some random ad agency tea boy.

Ep7 marianne filming

Hardly Tom of Finland.

Tom is convinced this will attract people to Finland. Maybe to escape him? He ends up adding in lots of scenes of Helsinki Pride whilst Marianne worries fruitlessly about adding in some other shots of Finland. He just mansulks till she caves in again.

Still at least Dean and Carina are having fun.

Ep7 dean and carina

And Dean is also a hammock wassock. Lot of it about.

Ep7 dean hammock wassock

Dean has finally come up with something creative – he’s changed the colour background on Carina’s logo and added it to the billboard. “It’s so good it should be illegal” he smugs as Claude scowls in the backgrounds.

The teams view the billboard ads. Jemelin is concerned they’re JUST Helsinki pride and Thomas snaps that “it’s the biggest attraction for our community innit!” (What?). Lewis is unimpressed by Dean’s logo (Dean is all “good innit?”) and thinks the background colour should go back to white.

Whilst half of the teams edit the videos (and Jemelin becomes obsessed about showing every possible angle of a sauna whilst Lewis adds cheesy Euro techno pop to his ad to Lottie’s obvious disgust) the others go to gather market research on the big billboard ads.

The lovely Lesbians of Piccadilly circus think Finland looks really nice and open minded. The boring heteros moan that there’s no scenery in the ads. Marianne thinks they’ll need a counter argument to focusing on pride and puts Thomas in charge of this. Oh dear.

Nobody likes the black background logo in the Empower billboard ad and people find it “corny” but Dean keeps schtum about this.

It’s time to choose pitchers to face the travel experts and (wow!) the Head of Finland’s tourism.  Dean puts himself forward as “Lord Sugar wants me to step out of my comfort zone” and everyone else is “absolutely mate” (bye bye).  Dean’s pitch is a stuttering omnishambles, and the experts hate the black background on the logo, but he’s saved by Lewis and Scarlet who respond well to the awkward questions, although the Head of Finnish Tourism is unimpressed by Lewis’s musical choice and also thinks the ad doesn’t represent Finland, so Dean plots to blame Lewis for the filming.

Marianne chooses Thomas and Ryan Mark to pitch with her, peeving Jemelin and Pam who also went to Finland. Marianne leads and promptly cocks up saying LGDP er LGBT whilst Jemelin and Pam watch on a screen and do face palms. Thomas gets LGBTQ+ right and points out that by choosing a summer event they’ve highlighted that Finland is not just for winter. Ryan Mark shows the video which is so bad I love it. There’s a particularly endearing shot of Ryan Mark and Hugo awkwardly walking hand in hand in the woods and they manage to somehow make being gay look really dull and unsexy. “How does this advertisement relate to Finland please?” asks bemused Head of Finnish Tourism whilst Jemelin and Pam shout “Mention the FOREST” at the screen to no avail.

In the boardroom Sugar asks how he would know the backpackers video was set in Finland and Lottie points out there was a Finnish flag at the end of the jetty (as if most people in the UK would recognise a foreign flag). Sugar suggests that he could see Lottie adventuring in the outdoors with a Butler and a Hamper. “A Fortnum and mason hamper” she simpers (and I’m too tired to get a Lottie face screen gag or Claude’s WTF response face – sorry!). Carina gets in quick that she had all the ideas and Dean has the chutzpah to look wounded. Scarlet and Lewis got best feedback from the experts and to nobodies surprise Unison win in Sugar’s eyes for having most cohesive and better planned campaign (Ryan Mark is too embarrassed to even watch the advert), so they are sent to Chelski indoor ski slope and Empower are sent to the sad café. Marianne looks broken.

Back in the boardroom Sugz says that Finland is the happiest country (I thought it was one of the most depressed – oops!). Thomas gets stick for not listening to others and always thinking his ideas are the best, but Marianne also gets flack for not managing him and Jemelin’s directorial strop is raised. It’s also noted that Ryan Mark doesn’t put himself forward to lead (Marianne quite sharply points out that he only does so strategically when he knows he won’t be chosen) – so Marianne brings him and Jemelin back. Poor Jemelin is close to tears and is of course fired. In the taxi of despair she says she came to the UK from Venezuela with nothing and spoke no English and went through homelessness and cleaning toilets. Perhaps she was too diverse for Lord Sugar. I’m pleased she gets a good reception on “You’ve Been Fired” bless her).

Ryan Mark’s Card is Marked and he says he will fight to be PM next time, clarifying in the house that it doesn’t mean he would win the vote. Oh so sneaky!

Next week the teams lay on corporate hospitality on a chuff chuff train. Hurrah!


Liking:   Scarlett (she should win – as long as Mockney barrow boy doesn’t!)

Meh:, Lewis, Carina, Marianne, Pamela, Ryan-Mark

Twats: Thomas, Lottie, Dean

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn, Iasha, Jemelin

(quick quiz – what do most of those names have in common? By virtue of being American and Irish Marianne and Pam are probably the most ethnically diverse candidates left!)

3.30am sees our candidates summoned to Thorpe Park. Clearly Sugar, Karren and Claude are still in bed and just send dodgy holograms to set the task –

Ep 6 holograms

which is to design and brand a rollercoaster with a 3D Video simulation and pitch it to industry “experts” with the best “concept” winning. Very bloody existential.

Over on Unison (Marianne, Thomas, Dean, Iasha, Scarlet, Lottie) Tom wants to lead as he has a vision already, but Lottie steps on him for getting carried all messianic creator-god-nutter with Tommy the turtle in the toy task. Tom’s convinced he could create the best ride in the world, but it ain’t happening on Lottie’s watch. Scarlet just wants the fighting to stop and puts herself forward, Lottie backs her and shoots Tom a  “Take THAT you mockney fucker!” face. There is a Lottie face for every episode.

Ep 6 lottieface

Thomas’s idea is it’s the  year 3000 and everything is falling apart, but no it’s not Brexit it’s the earth’s gravitational pull, it’s gone and only Thomas can bring it back by riding lots of loops on a rollercoaster. Everyone says they’d go on such a ride so Scarlet’s happy and puts Tom, Lottie and Iasha on the design team. Lottie wants to lead just so she can make Thomas her bitch and Scarlett agrees. “You guys happy?” she asks. NO! Tom is not happy – he wants to sell his story. Lottie points out him getting enthusiastic just to scupper his chances and Scarlett insists that Lottie is subteam leader. Thomas moans that Scarlet’s a nice girl but “not too bright sometimes”. At least he gets to play on rollercoasters with Lottie who warns everyone to take notes and not just enjoy themselves… oh sod it! “Wooooooh!” . I guess Tom’s feet need airing? Or maybe this is how he guarantees nobody sits next to him?

Ep 6 tomfeet

Carina wants to lead Empower and Pam, Lewis, Jemelin, Ryan-Mark let her. Easy. She’s had the idea of the ride representing dreams and nightmares – so there will be a big drop, like those dreams where you fall. Thankfully you don’t also lose all your clothes, your hair and teeth and then shit yourself. Carina leads the design team with Pamela and Jemelin and Ryan-Mark and Lewis get to do marketing. But first they have to research.

TO SAW (the rollercoaster).

Ep 6 RM roller

I could watch Ryan Mark’s unholy screaming and passionate gasps “of Lewis”  on repeat. His face keeps flipping from horror to sexy and back whilst Lewis just laughs. Blissfully unaware.

Ep 6 RM roller2 sexy

Probably my moment of the series already. And Ryan Mark’s by the looks of things.

Ep 6 RM roller3

Marianne leads brainstorming – apparently the rollercoaster is a spaceship going around the earth then around the moon then around the earth then … repeat until Karren vomits. Lottie suggests they should go for one more loop than the loopiest rollercoaster in the UK (which has 14) to give it a USP. Tom looks sad as it’s taking everything away from him. “Happy Thomas?” asks Lottie. “Very happy” he sulks. Get a room! Tom does come up with the name “The final Loop” and draws a rocket ship looping away from the earth. Lottie may as well just pat him on the head “Fantastic Tom that’s exactly what I had in mind”. Lottie asks if Iasha has anything to add and apart from the fact she’d scribbled  similar picture she says no. Oh oh. Meanwhile Marianne adds yet another USP of going to 120mph in less than 1.5 seconds and the ride being fired from a catapult and suddenly there’s rather a lot of USPs making them all a bit less erm unique.

Next door Carina,  Pam and Jemelin wonder if falling is more secure forwards than backwards. Claude worries that the backward drop is too innovative and has thus been rejected already. It all sounds like something Health and Safety would frown at.

Ryan Mark brings his ladies knickers creativity to the branding board and comes up with the name “Insomnia” drawing a green eye with a scary hand in it which Claude points out looks like an Alien movie poster. It’s sent back to the design team and Jemelin asks “how are they going to have a nightmare if they’re awake?”

Time to design a poster and Thomas and Lottie don the tinfoil and gimpy specs for a Star Wars theme (ish).

Ep 6 gimps

Tom wants to have the spaceship look like the rollercoaster carriage in the poster and Lottie is so determined to stop him having his own way that she puts her foot down, even though he’s making sense (Lottie “All we have done is listen to you all bloody day… I’ve made my decision – if you don’t like it tough”) and they waste so much time arguing that they don’t put any of the USPs on the poster so Scarlet is sad with the end product. She asks how the team got on and Thomas grumbles that Lottie let herself down. Lottie’s straight in there over-reacting “I let MYSELF down. You let the ENTIRE TEAM down”. Hmm. Scarlet sensibly decides to send Lottie, Iasha and Marianne to get consumer feedback whilst Thomas stays on her pitching team as she can “sense conflict”. No shit.  The consumers say the loops sounds too fast and the USPs should be in the poster.

Ryan Mark puts on a scary mask whilst the designer is meant to make Lewis look like he hasn’t slept (Ryan Mark “Your skin looks awful” Lewis “Erm he’s not done anything yet”).

Ep 6 Lewis RM

Ryan Mark is modestly convinced he’s done “an amazing job”. Carina however thinks the logo screams “alien”. Then all the consumer feedback says aliens and Ryan Mark looks a bit sniffy before suggesting that they may have to “deflect from aliens” in the pitch. Carina decides to surround Jemelin with the rest of the team dressed as monsters to represent her nightmare before Jemelin gets her BIG LINE:

“What a horrible nightmare” she deadpans. “With passion?” suggests Carina.

Pitch time and Thomas says “HELLO to my fellow space warriors” and to be fair there is a touch of the drug paraphernalia about him.

Ep 6 space warrior

“We’re in trouble and we need your help” he says and you can see the audience thinking “We’re not helping you zip up your space suit – you messy bacofoil Vegas Elvis – no sirree!”

The ride simulation is launched and the guests get to experience it by the chairs literally chucking them about – even knocking one kid’s glasses off.

Ep 6 bye bye 3d specs

Karren looks a bit green round the gills. No change there then.

Ep 6 karren

There’s a few sharp intakes of breath and a smattering of applause. The park director admits she felt sick and Marianne suggests that they hope the loops slow down before nausea commences. The other expert likes the name and logo but wants to know why the rollercoaster isn’t in the poster. Iasha tries to work her magic by responding that they wanted to show the theme and take the customer into the story. She’s asked how customers would know about the world records if it’s not on the poster (and to be fair isn’t the number of loops just a British record) and Iasha says if it really matters to them “we could incorporate it”.

Next up is Insomnia and surrounded by sub-Halloween freaks, Jemelin FLUFFS HER BIG LINE.

“That was a horrible dream”. (shit!)

Ep 6 jemelin

Silence apart from the sound of Carina thinking “The line was fucking NIGHTMARE. I give you ONE thing to do!”

The ride starts and I like the bit where everyone gets squirted with an unknown liquid. That will go down well in the current climate. There are a few screams and a big round of applause at the end. Jemelin says she’s always looking for the next ride. Aren’t we all?

Ryan Mark explains his logo as a “nightmarish figure”. “But it’s an alien” an expert points out. “No it’s whatever you want it to be” Ryan Mark suggests. It’s an alien hooker. Ace.

Despite the screaming Paul the expert says he definitely wasn’t scared and didn’t poo his pants – YOU pooed your pants, but Carina sticks to her guns by saying they will focus on the going backwards part as a feature.

Boardroom time and Sugar wants to know what the weird blobs in the Final Loop video are. “They’re asteroids” says Scarlet. “Don’t you get them from sitting on your arse?” Sugar “quips” and watch Dean laugh it up – only his cold dead eyes tell you how shit that joke really was. What a toady!

Ep 6 dean

Karren says the experts found Thomas so “charming” they could listen to him all day. Ugh. At least he blushes.

Ryan Mark admits he was traumatised by the ride with Lewis (so was Lewis – I think his thigh still has claw marks in it). They are becoming quite the double act – with Lewis defending Ryan Mark’s logo as the hand representing “you trapped inside your own mind” (dude!).

Anyhow the experts all voted and Insomnia won because the concept was simpler and the backwards drop was unique. So Empower get to go and eat whilst dangling above the O2. That’s a treat in today’s world apparently.

Poor Unison don’t even get the bridge Café. Their Sad café is a corrugated shack. Tom thinks if only he’d been in charge they’d have won.

Back in and Dean immediately starts agreeing with any previous criticism “it was always going to make people nauseous”. Lottie does at least own up to stymying Tom’s suggestion of the rollercoaster in the picture. “Why?” asks Sugar. “I had to take the reins” she says. “But he was RIGHT!”

Marianne’s asked who should go and admits everyone made mistakes, so Sugar suggests ordering a minibus until she plumps for Iasha. Lottie likes the idea of 2getting rid of dead wood” (Miaow!) and also suggests Dean who gets all hissy fitty. Scarlet’s unsure who to bring back out of Iasha, Dean and Lottie, so Sugar saves her the effort and sends Tom and Marianne back to the house and brings the other four back in.

Scarlet does her best to be diplomatic (“Dean you add value more from the backseat”) and Lottie piles on. Dean points out Lottie doesn’t get on with anyone (“I wouldn’t do business with you”) and she retorts that her “aim is not to get on with everybody” but “to be a success”. Sugar’s a bit incredulous so she keeps repeating this as if she’s trying to reword it and explain but instead is stuck on a mental bitch loop.

Poor Iasha makes a spirited defence of herself but still sounds too much like Mavis from Corrie for Sugar to do business with her so she’s fired. Not even with regret bless her – she deserved better. In the taxi of regret she insists she needed more time. Not really that sort of show love.

Sugar thinks Lottie is “controversial” (that’ll be the racist WhatsApp messages) and dean is wet and then gets a coin out to flip and Lottie looks terrified but it’s just to decide which of them will PM next and Dean wins. So it’ll be bye bye Dean in the next task seeing as Sugar seems to be cleansing the series of gays and ethnic minorities (and as Dean seems to be a bit rubbish).

Back at the house – Tom looks DELIGHTED to see Lottie. And with ten left, Ryan Mark thinks “more wood needs to be burnt” – harsh.

Next time they have to create an ad campaign to rebrand Finland – and I’m humming the Monty Python song already.


Liking:  Jemelin, Scarlett, Marianne

Warming to: Ryan-Mark, Lewis

Meh: Carina, Pamela, Dean

Nah: Thomas, Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna, Souleyman, Lubna, Riyonn, Iasha