Archives for category: Reality TV

Our shiny suited shitclowns are summoned to Ally Pally at 4am. Gathered on the Ice Rink, Lord Sugz reveals in another tenuous link the task is about ice. You can just see the girls thinking “Oooh! Diamonds” but no it’s making ice lollies to flog to Joe and Jo Public plus a bespoke model to corporate clients. Most profit wins.

Angry Lewis channels his inner Bruce Willis as he declares he can’t deal with seeing the girls smug faces again.

Lewis ep2

Yippee kiyay Mofos

 

This year the teams don’t even bother with wanky names like Executwunt or BizFart, so we’re straight in with a power struggle between Kenna (who has an ice cream business FFS and has “played with lollies before” (ooer)) and Riyonn who has eaten food and therefore declares his skillz to be equal to the team’s very own Mr Whippy. There’s a vote and only Thomas is mad (or Brexity) enough to vote for Riyonn. Kenna chooses Dean to lead the corporate sub-team much to the chagrin of Ryan-Mark, who has a face like a slapped bum for the rest of the episode (“If we fail it’s on you. I am a multi award winning public speaker” etc etc).

RM sulk ep2

Mega flounce.

 

Bakery boss Carina leads the girls. Easy peasy. No arguments. They choose a retro sweets theme. Carina wants Lottie to lead the subteam as she’s bigged herself up as someone who can deliver a design brief, but Lottie insists she picks Marianne due to her “experience”.

We finally meet Marianne. She’s an optimistic yank (she thinks she can deal with any challenges from Lottie – good luck with that).

To the design lab go Carina, Pamela, Lubna and Jemelin. They create a cherry cola and liquorice monstrosity (it could be worse – it’s nearly “cheesy cola” with some cream cheese folded in. Yum!).

Kenna is all about the profit margin, working out the cost per unit of everything and coming up with some bizarre concoction of blueberries, stem ginger and lavender cos it’s cheap as chips.

Off to a Beauty Brand in East Lahndan and having agreed the pitch plan in the car Dean decides to change everything. Ryan Mark and Souleyman have a little mutiny and Dean appeals for respect (“Let’s make sure we smash it”). Dean wants to get an understanding of the client’s “ethos” and they insist on QUALITY. Dean manages to eventually get them to agree to 90 lollies at £3.85 each (having at first increased the price and doubled the quantity offered – oops). Ryan Mark is disgusted “You made a U turn! You are a U turn!” whilst Claude shakes his head in dismay. Kenna calls in “How did it go?” and Dean is all “Yeah alright” before confirming that the clients want glitter, raspberries and coconut milk lollies. “Don’t make it awful” pleads Dean. Cut to the boys stirring glitter into more and more coconut milk as Riyonn can’t get enough of the stuff. Kenna strictly rations the coconut milk as he doesn’t give a shit how the bespoke lollies taste, he’s not wasting 5p extra per unit (“This is a pricing task” – erm. It turns out that coconut milk makes glitter go non-glittery. Shocked that Riyonn didn’t realise this. Also confused as to why the boys don’t just roll them in glitter. Have we learned nothing from Drag Race?

Lottie, Scarlett, Iasha and Marianne pitch to their Plant corporate clients and big up the high end aspect of their lollies requesting £3.75 each. The client only wants to offer £3 and Lottie pipes up with £3.50. Having agreed they would discuss pricing, Scarlett’s left in the embarrassing position of requesting a time out (during which time the clients wait patiently despite obviously being able to hear Lottie doing the LOUDEST WHISPERING EVER). Back in finally Scarlett suggests er £3.50 (“We can just about make it work”). The client accepts. Scarlett then does the sums wrong working out the costs and it’s all somewhat of an omni shambles but somehow they get away with it.

3am and time for a “lolly making masterclass”. Carina thinks “We’ve got all the elements to succeed today -what could go wrong?” Duh duh DUH.

Kenna manages an effective production line with everyone knowing their roles from mixing to freezing to labelling and packing. The girls all bicker and flail about. “Er Jemelin can you put them in the whatever that is… the freezer thing” instructs Carina. Slick.

I do like how only some of the boys care about hygiene.

Hygiene ep2

Kenna inquires casually as to delivery time for the corporate client and Dean is all “Erm Um” (Say something!) “er First thing in the morning”. Whoopsie he hasn’t arranged an appointment. Ryan Mark is all “told you so!” and grasses up Dean for changing his pitch plan. “That doesn’t stop you saying something” Kenna snaps. “We weren’t allowed to speak” fibs Souleyman. Kenna tries to be positive and knuckle down to getting the corporate lollies out first. They look a bit like a porno milky maid when complete and Dean isn’t impressed. Riyonn retorts that “You didn’t give us a bespoke specification – just flavours” and they all have a big shouty match until Kenna stops them all and demands that Dean just sell them as best he can. Ryan Mark motivates him in the car by listing the many ways in which their lolly is shit (“Invisible glitter, looks like a penis”).

Heaven ep2

Brand name idea “Heaven on a stick”

 

They get there for the morning delivery at 1pm and wait for ages for the woman to appear. Souleyman contributes by getting Dean to move the box around so it doesn’t act as a “barrier” between him and the client. The state of those lollies I’d WANT a barrier. Ryan Mark does a lot of haughty disappointed looks and they wait some more.

Lottie (natch) is in charge of posh corporate lollies and adds half a fucking shrubbery to each. “Hurry up” urges Jemelin. “This is a gourmet product” sneers Lottie. Jemelin restrains the urge to kill and instead does a great Lottie impression “Nurrrr Eees Gourmeet”. They do look good if a tad arboreal when they come out and Lottie sets to snipping off any leaves that are sticking out. Karen tries one and grimaces “It’s like eating a garden” (maybe they could brand them “Lady Garden”?). The clients are frightened by the foliage and the girls take yet ANOTHER time out to sift through the box of frozen goods in the sunshine looking for ones good enough to sell. Whilst the clients wait inside. Lottie suggests working out a price but Marianne points out they don’t know how many lollies there are to sell yet. Eventually they find 80 and go back inside where amazingly the clients still agree to buy. There’s more fricking idiocy as Lottie can’t work out the new price (“I’m sorry it’s off the top of my head – if you could help me out” – you know your phone has a calculator on it right?!) and Karen winces. Outside Marianne confronts Lottie “You mentioned we should do the maths” and Lottie is all “You are Sub Team Leader and you said no”. Marianne accuses Lottie of picking her as sub team leader to throw her under the bus (probably correct) and Lottie insists it’s because “YOU ARE OVER TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME”. Hahaha! She is so evil.

Librarian ep2.jpg

“Me? I’m just a librarian – who happens to be MUCH, MUCH younger than you!”

 

Carina’s retro lollies are ready and Jemelin urges Lubna to pack them carefully with ice at the top to keep them frozen. So of course she just chucks them in the box. At the zoo they open the box (penguins looking hopefully on) and they’ve all broken or melted. Oopsie. “Do we know who packed them?” asks Pamela and Lubna looks a bit sheepish. “They can eat them in pieces” declares Carina, like the Marie Antionette of iced goods.

The rest of the boys gather at Regents Canal in boater hats with Thomas doing his best Cockerney Barrel Boy Bantz and annoyingly selling really well. (“Gis that fiver, I’ll give you a pahnd!”. Woman “This tastes like my nan’s wardrobe” Thomas “See it’s bringing back nice memories”) and Claude is impressed.

Dean and his team are still waiting to be seen! The woman eventually turns up (“I wasn’t sure what time we were meeting”) all excited to see the lollies. And then the box is opened. “That looks a bit rude”. She thinks it doesn’t look premium and suggests they are only worth a quid each. Dean offers £3.50, £2.85 and £1.25 rather than just biting her hand off for the £90 and in the end she’s just annoyed and tells them to sling their hook and take their sad phallic lollies with them. Kenna isn’t happy. He’s fuming! He’s raging! But he tries to rally everyone to “sell sell!” even though he’s sad they didn’t just try to get a quid each to make some profit (Dean to his credit looks embarrassed here, but he still blames the product).

In the boardroom, Lottie gets stick for not listening to her PM and taking the sub team leader role. Marianne’s compared to Theresa May for coming back with exactly the same offer of £3.50 (although let’s face it – better than no deal – bitta politics eh)?

Kenna states that with his “understanding from a lolly perspective” (with a stick up your bum?) he thinks healthy options would sell best (WHAT?). Ryan Mark moans that Kenna didn’t hold a vote for Sub Team Leader and Sugz is all “that’s his prerogative” so Ryan Mark boohoos “I understand but I didn’t have the option”. Dean is outed for not taking a quid per lolly and Thomas starts interrogating him until Sugar asks “Do you wanna sit over here?” Sadly it seems Sugz has fallen for the cheeky cockney market trader charm and declares Thomas a “hero” for his selling prowess.

Anyhow results time – the boys spent a lot less and made £439 profit. Continuing in the trend of “surprise” endings the girls spent a lot more and made £545 profit. They’re sent to West Ken Spa to get their bums tickled with the filling snipped from their ice lollies as some sort of bizarre punishment.

Tickled ep2

Something about bushes.

 

The Boys troop to Café doom again with Sugar unimpressed. Kenna blames his subteam and Thomas insists they should have sold the willy lolly given he managed to flog something with bladdy lavender in it. Dean still blames the piss poor product.

Lottie has chosen “ten years older” Marianne to backstab this week. “She could have been assertive – if you have a problem with me being dominating just tell me” she smarms to camera. I have a feeling she’s playing a Hopkins game here.

Back in the boardroom and Sugz reveals that the true task was making the bespoke item high quality enough to sell (who knew!). Kenna blames the poor info from his corporate team and Ryan Mark swoops in “You are selling yourself as a food connoisseur”. “I DON’T DEAL WITH GLITTER” insists Kenna (This must be in a BBC guidebook somewhere). We’re treated to the willy lolly again which Sugar describes as looking like “medical waste” and an increasingly shaken Kenna brings back Dean and Ryan-Mark who complains again about Kenna’s “executive decision as PM to not listen to me” (How entitled is this dude?).

Dean keeps “holding his hands up” and Sugar asks if he’s admitting liability. “No” squeaks Dean. Whereupon Kenna holds his hands up. Doh! Ryan-Mark insists he deserves to be in the process but Sugar’s not impressed (“I don’t like people who stir up trouble”). For a second it looks like Dean will rightly go for losing out on the money from the corporate client and sitting around like a tit for ages, but eventually poor Kenna goes and didn’t even get decent advertising for his ice cream business. Although those pink willies could go down a storm at Pride – just roll them in the glitter boys. Poor Kenna has a little sob even though he admits in the taxi of regret that he knew he was a “dead man walking” when the task was lost. Despite him having been 24 Sugar seems to have saved 19 year old Dean and 20 year old Ryan Mark because they are mere foetuses and he wants to tell them to GROW UP and stop blaming people. Like that’s gonna happen in 16 weeks.

Back at the house Ryan-Mark auditions for a Lloyd Weber musical with the campest return to the house ever.

Enchante ep2

“Enchante!”

 

This could only have been more flamboyent had he grabbed that rose and danced in with it clenched between his buttocks.

Meanwhile Dean insists the girls are “NEVER winning again”. It’s all getting a bit Incel on Boyteam.

Next week they have to design a toy – and (joys!) make an advert.

 

Liking:  Lubna, Jemelin, Scarlett, Marianne

Still crushing on: Souleyman

Meh: Iasha, Carina, Pamela, Riyonn

Disliking: Thomas, Dean, Ryan-Mark

Anger Management Issues: Lewis (they’re all going to be needling him from now on)

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin, Kenna

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I missed the show when it was aired as it was my birthday and like an idiot I went out for drinks and food rather than camping in front of the telly. Anyhow via the magic of iplayer we’re back to the sweeping chrome and glass majesty of Canary Wharf where the BBC are determined to pretend Lord Sugar’s secret lair is, rather than at a Premier Inn in Brentwood.

“In a time of economic uncertainty” the Voiceover tells us, “bold players can win big”. Especially if they’re gambling on a No Deal Brexit plunging us into a dystopian nightmare where everyone is forced to burn old Amstrad computers for heat and eat chalk instead of camembert. Eh?

Our 16 clueless twats Entrepreneurs are filmed looking hungry, driven and a bit erm lost and confused like they’re waiting for the mothership to beam them up.

Looking Lost ep1

Above: Still from M. Night Shyamalan’s latest film: The Befuddled

Jesus Christ it’s a baby clone of Michael McIntyre. It is, as the prophecy foretold, the end of days.

Macintyre ep1

Above: Comply with my demands earth creatures or I will do the bit about spice racks again.

Baby Macintyre who is called Ryan-Mark, although I have it on my own authority that the first part of his hyphenated twatfest of a name is really NO, apparently has “Such expensive tastes” that he needs BILLIONS not millions. And that’s just to keep his man-drawer stocked.

Next we have self-styled ambitious Latina, Jemelin “You can actually cut me and ambition comes out of my blood”.

There’s an obligatory chubby barrow boy, Thomas, who’s made a “Thahhhsand mistakes in business already” – not least already quoting bloody Del Boy in his VT. Apples and fucking pears tosser.

Apples and Pears ep1

Above: One man, two guvnors, many pies.

Isn’t this that woman Boris Johnson gave all that public money to so he could learn about IT through the medium of pole dancing? Hasn’t she had ENOUGH of our hard-earned British readies.

Pamela

My mistake it is Pamela who is confident her established business (a beauty brand – natch) will make Sugar millions.

Events Manager Riyonn (no hyphen but his parents can’t spell) has a little black book he is very proud of. Guessing it’s not 50 shades.

There’s Shahin, “the falcon” (because his name means Falcon – bless) and Lottie, a librarian megabeeyatch femmebot from the future who states confidently that nothing in business is too far for her. That’s because it’s only in the B section love.

I’ve taken an early shine to Souleyman Bah, a Paralympian sprinter with tunnel vision, a big stick and a cool name.

Souleyman ep1

Above: Souleyman Bah. *Resists joke about letting him look at my tunnel anytime.

Anyhow everyone hands in their proposals to be shredded and enters the boardroom, the women somehow under the impression it’s a Quality Street theme party.

qualitystreet ep1

Above; Effs sake Marianne you were meant to be the Purple One. The camera is gonna ignore you for the rest of the show!

Our favourite beardy bollock-headed peer warms them up with some topical material (“Back when we started Brexit sounded like another Kellogs Serial”) and reminisces how he’s had them all in the boardroom (ooer): “Chancers, posers, brown nosers, moaning minnies, halfpint Harrys..” (evil scheming tribunal happy blondes, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub), before explaining that they are there to win “a £250,000 investment in a joint business with him of which they will each own 50%” (in case nobody understood the word joint there).

Shahin the Falcon is mocked for suggesting a name for this joint business (the rather funny Shamstrad). “I’ve never fired anyone before the process before but you’re a contender” quips Sugar. “Yes, I am a contender” says Shahin cos he doesn’t do jokes.

There’s some Shakespearean bants with Lottie the Librarian (“Though she be but little she is fierce”, Sugar “Midsummer Night’s Dream Act 3, Scene 2, right?).

Iasha, an account manager has called herself a “Pocket Rocket”. So annoying shortarse then.

Michael McIntyre clone No-Mark (in Women’s Wear at Harrods, no really) even laughs at his own rubbish “jokes” (“You describe yourself as like a pig in business” “Yes HAHAHAH!”).

Anyhow the BBC blow their budget by sending them all to Capetown in that SarfEfrica for the First Task. Tourism is booming in Capetown and it’s down to the candidates to put a stop to that monopolise on that by running a bespoke tour in the surrounding countryside, most profit wins but refunds we are warned eat into profit. Claude oversees the girls and Karen the boys.

Everyone mingles (Thomas: “I sell pillas (pillows) on the old lawnmower (Lawnmower Man-Van)”, No-Mark “That’s so interesting (I’d like to smother you with a pillow)”) and we meet a few more capitalist businesspigdogs. Scarlet deals “with multi-million pound clients on a daily basis” (she runs a recruitment company) and Dean (Sports Management) is “Here to win” and looks like every other dull male candidate from every series of this show. There’s also “Disgustingly ambitious” accountant Lubna.

The BBC doing their own bit for Capetown tourism, I mean I’ve never been to SarfEfrica having been too heavily influenced by Spitting Image as a child but it looks stunning (my brother is going to Capetown soon and don’t tell him but I’m jealous).

capetown ep1

Above: Table Mountain. My favourite geographical bit of household kit. Followed by Chertsey, Bedrock & Sex-Dungeon Lake.

The teams choose a glorious leader. Girls “er has anyone been to SarfEfrica before?” “No” “Does anyone want to volunteer to be PM” (tumbleweed), Scarlet: “Something profit and loss”, Rest of Girls “Lead us! Lead us!”

Digital Marketer Lewis confesses he once ran events and the boys elect him PM immediately – even though he later confesses they were only booze cruises for his mates. Never open your mouth in the first meeting.  They turn to their black co-competitors for the sweet and lowdown on Africa like they are ethnic oracles. Actually, Souleyman has African heritage and confidently states that all the tourists go there for safari animal action.  Kenna (who sounds like he actually has a bit more South African knowledge) mentions the famous wine trade, but Thomas aint listening, he’s seen Madagascar and you can see a cheeky vino anywhere in the world but not some animal ass safari action.

The girls of course go for a wine tour. They know fuck all about SarfEfrica but they fricking love wine.

Scarlet works out that tickets normally cost 2000 rand (about 107 quid) but Lottie suggests they brand it as a luxury and ask for 2500 rand as it sounds more “elite”.  Claude’s worried they’re setting expectations too high. Not ours. Pamela, Scarlet, Iasha and Marianne (another identikit blonde lady who we see hardly anything of this week). Lottie’s determined to lead the tour team as she “once worked in the UK’s best wine” and she knows SarfEfrica “has a population of 51 million” and after a tense credential-off she pulls hacky faces when Jemelin is chosen instead to lead her, Lubna and Carina (a rough diamond type baker). “Do we get to test the wine” Jemelin asks hopefully. “Remember ladies, spit, don’t swallow. We need to stay sharp” Lottie warns and Carina cackles. Filth.

The boys decide to ask for 1850 rand for their safari (90 quid) – sounds a bloomin bargain. Lewis takes barrer boy Thomas (“We’re gonna SMASH this – if we lose I’ll eat my hat”), Dean and erm Shahin to sell tickets with him (Thomas: “We’ll sell all the tickets then ave a nice bit of dinna!” Oh shut up).

Riyonn’s subteam meet the nice lady running the game reserve half boys – and promptly piss her off by offering 450 rand per ticket when she’s advertising at 995 rand (“we can’t do business on those terms”). Kenna tries to salvage things by clawing her back to around 850 and Riyonn shakes hands on 800 but only 700 each if they sell all 16 tickets. She warns them not to promise they will see the “big 5” (not The Jacksons or Take That but rhino, lion, elephant, leopard and buffalo) as these are animals in the wild. Cue clips of the sales team promising tourists they won’t just see the big five but get to take selfies, get autographs and make sweet lurve to them. Riyonn calls and says they need full capacity and whatever you do “Don’t offer the big five as a definite”. Everyone looks sheepish “No we won’t”.

Big five ep1

At the vineyard Jemelin asks the lowest price and they agree on a 30% discount if they sell all 16 seats. They don’t even work out what the cost is but go ahead and shake on it. At the waterfront the sales team are trying to sell at 2500 per person but nobody’s buying. Scarlet wants to hold it at the highest price but nobody seems to communicate with the tour team as to what their deal is. Pamela finds some Irish people. “Do you like wine? You’re Irish of course you like wine! Hahaha get me and my hilarious stereotyping! Top of the lucky charms to you!” etc.

irish ep1

Above: It’s definitely bonking Bozza’s Technological Adviser though.

One asks “Is there lunch?” “That’s a great question” she stalls, looking at her team for help. “Er yes!” they all say. “We will feed you. We’re not gonna let you starve!” Finally Jemelin calls. The sales team confirm they’ve only shifted 4 tickets at 2300 and Jemelin pulls a horror face.

horrorface1 ep1

Above: Why is this happening to me? Why?

Scarlet asks if there will be any food and Jemelin says no and it’s Scarlet’s turn to pull a horror face as she pleads, lip a trembling “we promised food”.

horrorface2 ep1

Above: Oh God. They’re all gonna STARVE!

Lottie is hardcore “Do NO give false promises! DO NOT OFFER FOOD” before bitching to camera, “This is a massive inconvenience these girls caused”. She is loving this.

To the plain where the scat man guide finds leopard tracks and a carcass, explaining “leopards always disembowel their prey as they eat the inside first” and No-Mark goes “mmmmm!”

Mmm ep1

Above: “MMmmm”

The guide finds some springbok poo and gets all nostalgic about a game they used to play where they spat the poo out of their mouth, demonstrating. Souleyman’s having some of that action and duly spits out the poo much to Karen’s DisgustFace. Of course due to his tunnel vision Souleyman probably didn’t spot the guide replacing the poo with a chocolate raisin before he put it in his mouth.

It’s time for wine tasting at the Vineyard and Lottie is ever so excited as she worked in the UK’s best wine bar but never mentions it. She goes into megaponce overdrive (“I absolutely LOVE pinotage!”). The rest of the team ask the woman from the vineyard (presumably an expert) how long wine can be left open. She starts explaining that it shouldn’t be left overnight (oops) and Lottie’s already butting in “Pinotage you might get away with”. The wine expert lady looks annoyed and Claude smirks. Lottie carries on blithely patronising everybody. Everyone looks sad. Jemelin hopes that having sabotaged their chance to learn something from the wine expert that Lottie does a shit hot wine tasting demo for the tour.

Time to plan the tours in the evening. Kennan notes that facts and figures don’t matter – it’s how you make people feel. This is how Brexit happened.

Lubna is tasked with giving a tour of the wine cellar. Lottie agrees to run the tasting but demands they pour the wine “neatly and nicely” for her. Lubna’s starting to crack “It’s pouring liquid in a glass how hard can it be?” Lottie gives her evils. “It’s a luxury experience – no offence!” Miaow! Later Lottie’s talking over Jemelin and Lubna asks her nicely to stop interrupting. “I’m CONTRIBUTING..” Lottie corrects her “And you’ve just disrupted the ENTIRE group! So don’t be so rude!” Oooh. We’re a few episodes from a full on cat fight in jelly already and everyone looks at their pens to try to ignore the toxic atmosphere.

Scarlet’s been forced to drop ticket prices to 600 each (from 2300!) and they manage to shift their last 4 tickets to some alcoholics. Of course they have to admit that they sold most of them for 1700 less so there’s going to be some pissed off punters if any discuss what they paid.

The boys also have four tickets to sell and it’s time for the Falcon to swoop! In his creamy suit he smoozes up to a likely group. “Erm it’s a safari. Erm it’s gonna be really good. Erm. Gonna see the big erm five” Oh dear the Falcon has been on the pesticides again. Thomas senses weakness and pulls him aside in a “mate you’ve had enough” style whilst Thomas looks close to tears and turns away as Thomas turns on his barrer bar bluster (“How abaht yourself will you buy a ticket for 1200”).

shaheen ep1

Above: “But I can handle it” “Yeah right son!”

I wouldn’t mind but even Thomas fails to sell in this situation so he gets a sulk on (“Not putting neg on but I think we should have sold the 16”) and Lewis looks haunted. Team Riyonn call and ask how many customers they have but nobody wants to admit. Eventually it comes out and TeamRiyonn attempt to be upbeat and focus on avoiding refunds.

To the coaches where Pamela wows the captive audience with facts for their journey. “South Africa has three capital cities…is this thing on?” [high pitched feedback], @tumbleweed@. “There are 3000 shipwrecks off the coast” (and one on this coach) [mic screams, passengers wince].

Meanwhile the boys lead a singalonga Lion Sleeps Tonight and the passengers love it – a wimba waying all over the shop.

AWimbaWay ep1

Above: A coach full of happy idiots

And there’s a nice cutback to Pamela’s punters contemplating suicide. Ha.

PamelasPunters ep1

Above: A coach load of miserable idiots.

Thomas feels like he’s made friends with the guess “if they’re not happy with the tour I will personally feed the other team to the lions”. Nice.

Ranger Riyonn springs into showbiz action “Unfortunately you’ve got me not David Attenborough. We’re going to have a magical safari!” This man is pure Butlins. They love him. However it all sours when he confesses “Obviously we can’t guarantee the big five” but a mutiny is averted by No-Mark deploying his Macintyre skillz “The big five are like the team on the bus. You can’t predict what they’re going to do”. Everyone laughs inexplicably. Just like the real Macintyre. “Let’s go forward it will be amazing so er” he doesn’t know what to do next so does a high pitched “Wooooh”.

Er Wooh

Where did that fucking come from!? Everyone tries to pretend it didn’t happen. Still when you’re in showbiz I guess you have to do all the noises.

The wine tram stops at the Sculpture Garden where Carina gives them everything she knows about the sculptures which is the name of the sculptor and what the sculptures are made of. And er that’s it. “So feel free – er enjoy” she waves her arms about. Lottie seems to turn up at the scene of everyone screwing up looking indignant and embarrassed in the background. Like a ghost smelling a fart. She’s also there when Lubna loses the cellar and the guests and they have a Benny Hill style race around the vineyard getting more and more lost (“There is a way er going the other way” – Jemelin “This is so bad Jesus Christ!”) until she just has to do the cellar talk in the fermentation room and then forgets all her great cellar facts (“I’m having a little bit of a fog”) whilst Lottie throws massive eye shade. “Who fancies wine tasting?” Everyone nearly stampedes in their rush to get their lips round some sweet sweet alcoholic juice.

“Breath that African air” sighs No_Mark and sadly they’re not next to a mound of poo. They’re watching Hippos which are apparently not Big Five, despite being fricking awesome and horribly dangerous. Someone asks how old they are. Riyonn squints and bullshits “I think they have a life span of 70 years but I could be wrong”. “Do they get many children?” someone else asks. Souleyman grins. “Yes I think they are one of the animals that do enjoy mating”. It sounds like he has previous and Karen advises, “If I were you, I’d move on”. They even see zebra and giraffes. Are they not happy?! This is such a bargain for £90.  Riyonn even finds them some elephants which turn out to be rhinos (“I do apologise – I haven’t got my glasses on”). Next they get some lions. “How does a lion like it’s steak?” Souleyman asks. “Raw” (geddit roar). Groans all round. I still like him. Despite that.

The girls negotiate 30% commission from shop sales. This may well win them the task as Thomas barges into the safari shop like an angry gangster demanding commission. The take-no-shit shop lady says 3%. “I may as well put them back on the bus” Thomas threatens. “5%” she demurs. “40%?” “5%”. “OK give us 25%”. She gives him an icy stare. Shahin steps in, dismayed at Thomas’s aggression and offers 22.5% which Thomas shakes on (“I thought she was gonna go for 25 but has to be your offer now” – all this said in front of the shop woman) – but she gives Shahin a sneaky sympathetic look and shakes his hand too. Shahin the falcon is at least polite despite the fact he disembowels pigeons in his spare time. Thomas is a wanker.

shopwoman ep1

Above: I’d have given you 40% love. Not him though.

Lottie leads wine tasting and her bullshit about getting to know the wine’s personality works because everybody expects someone who leads wine tasting to sound like a bit of a twat. She gushes that she personally has saved this task as everyone is now “really enthusiastic” (pissed). It still rankles that she wasn’t chosen as subteam leader tough. Thankfully someone has also rustled up cheeseboards for the guests to try to soak up the booze.

Riyonn’s determined to see elephants but worried they need to finish the safari to start rock painting (what idiot tacks that on AFTER a safari. It’s like getting Keane to headline after The Pixies. For young people that means it is putting something dull on after something great. I am so old). He throws caution to the world, puts his specs on and takes them in search of elephants whilst the rest of the team wait at the rock painting station. “We’re gonna lose money in the gift shop” Thomas worries.

The group find elephants (so three of the top five) and everyone is happy, apart from perhaps the elephants.

The girls are already in the shop and Lottie’s nicked a customer from Carina cos she knows “a lot more about wine than you”. Oooh!

Poor Shahin has to lead the rock painting in the dusk to tired and bored punters and make it snappy so they can be forced into the shop. In the future those painted rocks will be used as evidence of how unevolved we were in the 2010s.

It’s 7pm and they all finish and bitch about each other. Somehow they’re back in the boardroom the next morning –who the hell did they fly with?

Riyonn gets flack for annoying Safari woman with his derisory offer and there’s a contretemps as Kennan claimed to have salvaged the situation by offering 800 (not entirely true). Dean’s pulled up for saying he’d sell all 16 tickets as Karen grasses them up for selling only 12. Sugar’s annoyed the punters got a good safari and less time forced through a gift shop (“Even zebras come with a bar code”).

Scarlet’s dissed for her stupid high price and not reducing it a little bit earlier on when there were more people to sell it. Lubna criticises Jemelin’s lack of negotiation skillz whereupon Claude grasses her up on her lack of cellar location skillz and it descends into a bitch fight which the boys love.

Carina insists she gave the guests “every fact I had on the sculpture garden” (2). Luba graciously says Lottie did a good job and Lottie decides not to kill her. Yet.

It’s numbers time. After expenses and refunds the girls only made £520.93 profit (confusingly we’re back in quids not rands). The boys spent more but there were no refunds – BUT they only shifted £5 worth of shop tat so they only made £476.19 profit losing by £44. Thomas is given some jellied eels and liquor to eat his hat with.

The girls rejoice and are sent to drink champers in the shared house (Scarlet: “My whole house could fit in this room!” – and it’s the toilet!). Oh yes it’s all hugs now. “Is this like your house Lottie?” asks someone. “It’s a lot less modern” bullshits Lottie.

The boys are sent to brood in our old friend the Bridge Café.

Bridge Cafe

Above: Yeah mate we serve hats here.

Dean blames Shahin for crap sales. Shahin blames Riyonn for not getting the group in the gift shop (“If all our customers spent £5 each in the gift shop we would have won” – oh dear he hasn’t understood how commission works has he?).

Back in the boardroom and whilst Dean says its all Shahin’s fault Sugar points out there were 4 people on the sales team. Thomas admits “It was a lot harder than wot I thought. I gave it my best shot and I did bring in 4200 rand and LOOK AT ME! ME I’m GREAT!”

Shahin’s also dissed for arguing the commission down in the shop although Sugar points out it doesn’t matter as nothing was sold. Lewis goes a bit weird having blamed Riyonn’s team has an epiphany that at least they gave a good experience so Dean and Shahin are brought back in. Karen reveals that Lewis’s business plan is a travel company. None of them can understand why Shahin argued the commission down (by 2.5 fucking percent!) and Karen throws him under the bus stating he “cut across Thomas” when I saw him stopping Thomas loudly haranguing the shop woman. Maybe business is just evil. Oh yeah.

Shahin blames Lewis’s planning (“How can you put me in selling when No-Mark sells in Harrods for a living” – good point if slightly self-deprecating.

Everyone starts yammering at Lewis who loses it, shouting “GUYS ONE AT A TIME” and Sugar gives him a funny look. “Let’s calm down and try to have a professional discussion” urges Lord Sugz and straight away Lewis is all mad and fighty and rocking to and fro in his chair.

Lewis ep1

Above: Meltdown begins.

It’s firing time and Lewis is in line for losing control of his sales team (and sanity) but ultimately Shahin goes (with regret) for not selling. The falcon has flown. Repeat; the falcon has flown.

Lewis gets a warning that he’s out the door if there’s any more temper tantrums and he looks a bit broken but at least he gives Shahin a goodbye hug. Dean doesn’t bother. Boo.

In the Taxi of regrets Shahin is sad (“It should have been Lewis”).

Next week they have to create and manufacture ice lollies. Fab! (see what I did there. I am so old)

 

Liking: Souleyman, Riyonn, Lubna, Jemelin

Meh: Iasha, Kenna, Carina, Pamela, Scarlett

Who?: Marianne

Disliking: Thomas, Dean,

Disturbed by: Ryan-Mark

Anger Management Issues: Lewis (they’re all going to be needling him from now on)

Mistress of all Evil: Lottie

Bye bye: Shahin

 

 

 

 

So we’re are down to the final two, Camilla Queen of SEX and avid milker of nuts up against skimpy swimwear Sian. A combination that puts me in mind of the 1970s for some reason.

bigd15

And guess which idiot forgot again that it is screened on a Sunday. I managed somehow to avoid the result until tonight, which lets face it at this time of year is far easier than avoiding Wham’s “Last Christmas”.

Camilla even dresses as sexy nut milk as the pair head to Sugar Towers for their final task to launch their new business. They have to brand, create a digital screen and direct a TV advert and pitch the business at City Hall.

It’s school games team as Camilla gets first choice from candidates and plumps for Daniel then Jackie.

Sian bizarrely pity picks Khadija and Kurran. AS HER FIRST TWO CHOICES!

Unbelievably lovely Kayode is in the final two with Sabrina until Camilla patronises him onto her team. Sian is all “come on Sabrina” as though she has any choice. Poor Sabrina.  Sian has a brain explosion and decides to choose Kurran as subteam leader. Everyone but Kurran pulls a WTF face. “Is that a bad choice” Sian worries. Er no it’s yours. She ends up wimping out and selecting Jasmine to lead the subteam with the caveat everyone works together. Yeah that’ll work. Sian instructs them to ensure all models have wet hair so people realise it’s about the model swimming and not about her flashing her flange.

Camilla is told she needs to convince Sugar that nutmilk is scalable. She decides to focus on a unique selling point of “Grab and go”. Kayode’s a vegan and says he’s happy to grab it, run with it and get wrongly arrested for it.

Sian says she needs to set her swimwear apart in a saturated market. She’s aiming at people who like “pool parties” (Oh come on! The only POOL PARTY I know of is in “The Bitch” (or is it the stud). Are people doing this now too? I feel old and disgusted. She also decides that she can reverse her posh cosies to differentiate herself. Khadija gamely tries to help with name ideas “Swim reverse it”?”bikini hut”?

Unfortunately Daniel is stuck in Santa Seduction Mode as his Nut Milk Names (despite Camilla explicitly (or inexplicitly( stating she has to tone down her slutty ideas) escalate towards “Love Nuts”, “Grab My Nuts” etc.

Camilla decides on “Milk it” Which she says “Sounds like a big brand”. I’m thinking not for a non-dairy product. Despite her being told not to be too sexy she’s trying to explain to her subteam they can be cheeky… but not TOO cheeky. Everyone looks confused. Tom especially as he’s not sure what sexy means.

So the chosen few are off to build brands whilst the rest piss about on the digital billboard. Kurran bitches to Jasmine that “It’s good to be back even if you highjacked my subteam leader role”. Jasmine wisely suggests they’re doing it all for Sian but all task Kurran gloriously fails to get this. I love how much Khadija tries to help. “Luxury Swim? OK you don’t like the word luxury?”, “Swim Style?” “No” “OK you don’t like the word ‘Style’”.

Meanwhile Camilla’s goons are desperately trying to think of ways to sex up “nut milk” (really they are!). Jackie starts subtle (“What about someone with milk dripping down their face?”). Fortunately Kayode is there as a moral core. Doesn’t stop Jackie waffling on about a cow “lathering their teats”(um it is NON Dairy).  Kayode helps come up with the popular idea of someone reaching into a pile of nuts and pulling out some milk,

Somehow Sian seems to have travelled back to the 1970s so Sabrina and Jasmine actually have to try on her swimwear (whilst Kurran waits slightly creepily outside, reacting occasionally as “Can you undo me?” and “I think this ones way too skimpy!” It turns out Jasmine is still somehow bossing it and she likes Sabrina’s hair so refuses to wet it a la Sian’s instructions. Also Sian’s swimwear is so skimpy that Sabrina needs to cover her bottom half with a towel. Promising if you have pool parties for women who have no shame or imperfections about their lower half. So not good then.

Camilla has come up with MLKIT as a name. Daniel however imposes himself on every discussion on branding going.

Sian comes up with “SYO (Style your own) Swim and adds “The Hand of Fatima” to the branding design as it’s a symbol of “female empowerment” she clearly expects us all to know what she’s talking about. Khadija looks confused. Does she mean this?

og-fatima-whitbread-7729

 

Jasmine films Sabrina for the  billboard advert as Kurran tuts about how little they know. At one point she requests Sabrina puts her glasses on and Kurran worries all attention will be on the glasses. Jasmine also decides that Sabrina’s hair looks too good to get wet. Kurran thinks her finished commercial looks “tacky “ and  Jasmine will have to answer to Sian about it as it’s “her rodeo”. Bless him he thinks this all matters. Sian phones her team and explains she is using “The Hand of Fatima”. Everybody looks confused. She is sad that Sabrina’s hair wasn’t wet no matter how “dramatic” Jasmine thought it looked.

For Camilla’s billboard all Tom has to do is wink. Unfortunately Jackie realises too late how weird Tom looks trying to be human. Poor overlooked natural smile machine Kayode pipes up that he would like a try and nails it in one take, Bosh!

Camilla is happy with Tom acting out her cheeky winky role until Daniel points out he’s seen Tom wink before and “he looks a bit creepy”.

Jasmine and Sabrina overrule all of Kurran’s objections (and Camilla’s specifications) adding a wibbly wobbly watery background (Kurran “It should be plain!”) and pink font (Kurran “Arggh!”) to produce a rubbish, hard to see billboard ad.

Camilla’s team brainstorm on taglines for the brandname MLK IT provides. They are mainly filthy and pointless (“Wipe your nuts”) . Fortunately Camilla comes to the rescue by choosing Kayode’s take and getting rid of nut wiping references. “It’s too cheeky” she sighs. “Bear it in mind with the advert”.  She still goes with Dan’s idea of Tom in a boxing ring “beating up on nuts” with Kayode interrupting him to say “why not just milk it?” before Jackie takes a selfie with him. There’s at least 3 innuendos in there Camilla! The rest of the team look rightfully bemused at this idea but Tom says it doesn’t need to make sense? (Jackie: “er it does – you’re selling a product!”).

Sian is even more appalled by the digital screen poster as the background isn’t plain and Sabrina’s hair is dry (but “dramatic” as Jasmine points out”). She’s “fuming” to camera (“That looks absolutely shite”). As punishment she makes Kurran director of the video ad (on a “yacht” in London where women “flip” their swimwear to indicate they’re in a party mood. Which sounds like a fantasy sequence from a 1970s British film) and insists that Jasmine and Sabrina wear bikinis. Ouch! Kurran is all “BOOYAH!” (“Yesterday I was playing the supervisor” – he wasn’t – “Today I AM THE CAPTAIN!”).  He proceeds to go all Kubrick on everyone’s (barely concealed) arses, taking in lots of random yacht shots whilst Jasmine and Sabrina frown, complain and shiver in their cozzies. Jasmine worries he’s wasting time and Kurran addresses the cameraman instead – “Don’t worry about them – listen to me”. Oh you charmer! Whilst worrying the advert is fucked Jasmine is still capable of hissing “keep it sexy!” at her fellow models whilst the “party” scene is filmed. Good old JasSexBot3000 software. Kurran becomes even more loveable during the editing process (“This is the DADDY SHOT!”)  whilst Jasmine switches to frownbot 2.5 vid (“Er is that it?”).  Sian, however is proper impressed (“Kurran you did a sick job!” – I think that’s meant to be good), and before long our Kurran is comparing himself to Tarantino and Scorcese (“They’ll tell you – if you have a vision go ahead with it – and that’s what I did”).  Oh yeah he’s not missing out on his chance at continued reality TV fame virtue of being that deluded nobber from The Apprentice.

Tom directs the MLK IT ad as he appears to be the only person on the subteam or in the world who understands it. Jackie again doesn’t understand why she’s sharing a selfy. He explains patiently that “It’s a new taste experience and you want to share it with your friends”. I think Tom might be a bot too. Jackie delivers her line in a duly Stepford non-human way (“Do you mind if I share it on social media?”). Ugh! Tom’s masterpiece arrives at the editing suite where Kayode is devastated when they realise that rather than 30 seconds, this director’s cut clocks in at a mighty 1 minute 11 seconds. They slash away every which way but meaningful, with Tom insisting on cutting Jackie actually DRINKING the DRINK (which is the product) whilst saving a shot of him falling over as it mighty funny.  Camilla pretends to love it. Or maybe she is mad.

It’s proper creative time!

Camilla discusses her product with nut experts in her kitchen, whilst creating a new flavour (chocolate orange cashew – part of me really hopes she uses milk chocolate). The main issue the wise women of nuts foresee for her is expense as her USP of 15% “cannibalises margins”.

Sian draws some flowers and uses theTechnology to create a “unique print” (it looks a bit like soft focus flowery William Morris Wallpaper) with a reversible turquoise back whilst Khadija looks on in “WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT” wonderment. Yeah it’s all impressive but could Sian get the smell of wee out of a toilet carpet in two hours? I think not!

Whilst Sian and Camilla take their prototypes and prepare for the pitch with their fawning assistants Khadija and Jackie, the rest of the teams go for public feedback.

Sabrina, Kurran and Jasmine discover that they’re not alone in not knowing what the HAND OF FATIMA is. Some people think the logo looks “religious” (i.e. scary) and they think the imagery of the screen looks “Barbie doll and trashy” (Kurran looks smug). They let Sian know (well Jasmine lies and tells her everyone thought her swimwear “stood out”).

Kayode, Tom and Dan discover that everyone loves how the nutmilk tastes but the packaging is too reminiscent of cows which would upset theVegans (and Christ knows they have (not) enough on their plate).  Kayode says it’s important to be honest and they feedback to Camilla who quite frankly couldn’t be arsed.

So we’re at City Hall with Sian for the “biggest moment” of her life so far as she’s “super excited” to introduce SYO Swim aimed at “females aged 18-30 who have pool parties”. I HAVE NEVER KNOWN ANYONE LIKE THIS.  She promises custom sizing at an extra price and brings on a single model draped randomly in knotted bits of her new designed fabric by way of launching her “new collection”. She bigs up the TV Ad whilst subtly ignoring the digital board poster and stresses that she also has “non skimpy styles”. The miniscule amount of fabric she uses does not convince me.  She’s questioned on whether the advert really showed off the reversibility and she promises she will make it more noticeable in future ads. A formidable lady swimwear designer asks what sets her aside given 2000 swimwear designers launch each year. Sian’s response is quite ballsy “My brand is here – they’re not” and I think she may have just won herself a scary mentor. The experts all feed back to Sugar and they’re impressed but worry if she’s unique enough.

Camilla’s next with her tragic Dairy intolerance story set on a dairy form. Her pitch is very bitty (she seems terrified bless her) but the audience happily get stuck into tasting the product. She insists on promoting the 15% nuts as a USP. Everyone loves Kayode in the digital billboard ad, but the TV advert (love how she warns them to “prepare yourselves”) comes across as David Lynch on acid. She makes the cardinal mistake of falling apart on her numbers (“as it er economises it er um can definitely increase).  She’s quizzed on price and whether there is a broad enough consumer base – as well as on the cow print packaging (“It says dairy free on the front – I understand a risk”). The experts tell Sugar whilst it’s a good area to move into they worry how much he’ll have to keep investing into it.

So it’s boardroom time and Sugar immediately picks up on Sian almost selecting Kurran as subteam leader (“everybody said WHAT?”). It turns out to nobody’s surprise that Sugar hasn’t a fucking clue about the hand of Fatima either.

Kurran is adamant he “directed the pants off” the advert and Sian insanely says she liked it because it was SUBTLE. Everyone agrees that Sian is dead talented at drawing flowers.

Camilla’s turn and Sugar lets rip a zinger that he’s “surprised Jackie didn’t want to be PM”. “I thought I’d let Tom do it for the 4th time” she reposts speedily. I like Jackie (robbed I tell you). Kayode’s facial emoting skills are praised (“You’re like an emoji”) but the TV ad is slammed for being a mish mash.

The losers are sent back to oblivion whilst the finalists argue their cases. Camilla starts going on about being “sassy” (yuk) and defends her nut content. Sugar asks if she knows what margin supermarkets make and again she’s flaky with the figures (“40%”, Sugar “Oh NoNoNoNoNo!”).

Sian waffles on about her strips of coloured fabric being “affordable luxury” (Please! A bottle of Baileys is more affordable luxury to me). She does however have lots of spreadsheets. What’s not to love? She only sold 450 cozzies last year though and Sugar’s not sure she could scale the production up. “EASY!” she declares.

So it’s time for a last minute chat with Karren and Claude. Sugar thinks he has the best two candidates (really?). Claude bigs up Sian’s design skills whilst Karren calls her “naïve” and they switch to discuss Camilla (Claude “she doesn’t know her numbers”, Karren “universally her product was liked”).

Back in and Sian takes a timely moment to point out she has too much marketing spend in her business plan. She also slams Sian’s product for being “easily ripped off” (ooh!) and it descends into a mini Bitch fight (Camilla “You only sold 400 in 3 years”, Sian “I have stylists approach me for products” ).

Sugar does the usual faux dithering over a decision he’s made months ago and hires Sian. I’m a bit WTF (it seems a bit creative for him and not a niche product) but Camilla did let herself down.

Sian gets to ride off in the BIG CAR OF ECSTACY (“my possibilities are endless” – er as long as they involve wrapping boobies and mimsies in brightly coloured micro-bandages they are).

I’m off to buy a load of Hands of Fatima to flog down the market as they clearly bloody work given that result. Tara and happy Christmas!

Winner: Sian (I think I had her down as a potential winner one week but I thought she was rubbish after that)

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie, Sarah Ann, Sabrina, Khadija, Daniel, Camilla Queen of SEX

 

 

 

 

Finally the candidates are given a day to whip their business plans into shape, as though they haven’t written them. It’s a happy day for Camilla sticking nuts into a blender (“Oh it feels so good to have nuts back in my life!”). She insists there’s “nothing like it on the shelves” – apart from all that nut milk.

Getting into the spirit of physically embodying the business plan, Sian wriggles around a shocking pink skinny swim suit that you’d need to get a Chilean wax to wear (long and thin). She insists she’s “just a girl from Leeds” (that famed jewel of the maritime).

Daniel, perhaps unsurprisingly claims to have created a soluble hangover cure. I foresee problems with the word “cure”.  My bets pre-show for most Business Plan bullshit were Dan and Sian by the way.

Sabrina looks like she’s just chilling outside playing swingball, but apparently her business plan is to do with tennis events and this is the best the producer could come up with.

Khadija draws the short straw, demonstrating her business by cleaning the house and saving the Beeb a few bob (“Pink for Sink!”). “I might come across in the wrong way.. but since then I’ve not been aggressive.. I say what I think!” she says aggressively.

Next day they pretend to wake up at 6am and Camilla pretends to sleep with a teddy bear. It probably vibrates.

At the Leadenhall Building, Sugar greets his candidates and reveals he’s invested £2m in the last 8 winners – possibly more if he paid any to sign Non-Disclosures and gets them to hand in their scrawled dreams/business plans to Claude and Karren.

First interviewer is media mogul Mike Souter. He’s up against Sian who lists key magazine contacts. Unfortunately Mike publishes one of the named magazines and the two people she listed don’t work there anymore. Nice research Sian.

Another media megaboss Claudine Collins interviews Daniel next, forcing him to read a Joey Essex-esque extract from his business plan aloud – it’s all about getting drinks and sparklers and girls and being awesome. I’m wincing too much to spot if he looks sheepish. “You sound like a prize imbecile” Claudine summarises.

Next Camilla is interviewed by regular rottweiler Claude Littner. “Yoo hoo!” she exclaims on the way in. Claude pulls a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle “Yoo hoo?” Camilla looks embarrassed “Sorry!”. Good start!

Claude has an issue with Camilla’s brand names such as “naughty love juice”. “Your ideas are all based around sex” he claims. Camilla does a shocked sex face in response. Camilla shows Claude round her sprawling business plan. It has lots of pictures in but unfortunately she can’t account for £20k of her takings. “Let’s face it” Claude deadpans. “One of us left out 20k and it’s not me”.

The final interviewer is Lynda Plant (not that one) and she asks Khadija what she thinks the average net profit is for cleaning businesses. Khadiha reckons 12% , Lynda reveals it’s 5% yet Khadija’s Business Plan claims it will be 30%. Whoops! Khadija’s also claimed that she can move from her impressive (from £20 in 3 years) current turnover of £72K to over a million. Lynda’s not sure it’s realistic. “MAYBE THAT’S SLIGHTLY AMBITIOUS” Khadija responds. It’s a good thing she hasn’t got aggressive. She’s also budgeted for a London office. “Why?” laughs Lynda, “You haven’t conquered Peterborough yet?” Khadija shouts back at her and Lynda is all talk to the palm “I’ve heard it all before thank you”.

Khadija shimmies back to the Waiting Room of Tears Before Bedtime. “Me and Lynda have had a whale of a time” she announces blythly. “That’s what I aspire to be like one day”. I honestly think they should both feature on a Daytime TV show solving crimes and going on adventures together with there always being a will-they-won’t-they-lez-up frisson? I’d watch it anyhow.

Camilla armed with this knowledge goes to see Lynda next – whispering “She’s just a woman” in the lift up like it’s Ripley’s “Lucky Lucky Lucky” mantra from Alien. Lynda is also evil to her – but she has a point. Camilla’s only been running her business for 3 months and only within 20 miles of Blackburn. And she’s only sold just over a grand’s worth of nut milk ( that’s a lot of nuts though). She wants to get tetra-packed and has a quote on 90k units. Lynda isn’t convinced she can make that many but Camilla does have a kitchen at home. Camilla fires back that it’s a huge market and she has “expertise” but Lynda’s there with the burn “That’s like me saying I am a caterer if I made a stew in the kitchen – you are a long way from the supermarket”.

Khadija goes to see Claude, accompanied by spooky music. “Do you think you’re difficult to work with?”. She denied this (“They all seem to like me”) and Claude points out he was there and saw it all ha! By way of example he asks if she was rude to tell Sabrina to “shut up” which she denies claiming instead she “eradicated that input” (shudder). He describes her business as “domestic cleaning” which riles her up (“ It’s NOT just domestic cleaning – there’s a building here I could clean!”, Claude “No you couldn’t”). Khadija insists she knows what’s she’s talking about after 3 whole years in the cleaning business and Claude’s got his head in his hands “Oh please no no Khadija no no!”

She flounces back to the Waiting Room of Perspiration. “How was it?” they ask. “Intense” she retorts. “Oh no” exclaims Camilla. “I was counting on Claude being nicest”. Have any of these people ever watched the show.

Mike pulls Daniel up on his product’s claims to provide “hangover relief with rehydration salts and lost vitamins” and the fact there are two different brand names – overseas it’s called “hangover cure”, here it’s “revival shots”.

Dan claims the laws in the UK are “draconian” in fact much more draconian than those fluffy liberals in the UAE (!) as he can’t make spurious medical claims in the UK. Fancy! Mike asks how many he’s sold and Dan replies 47k. In that case, Mike wonders why the product page on Amazon claims that over 1 million have been sold globally. Daniel gets transparently cagey, wondering how that could have got there. “I’d rather you didn’t lie” Mike suggests. “Er its highly likely I wrote that” Dan chances. “Maybe 90%”. “Would you say 100% ?“ Mike suggests “You wrote it”. “Yeah” says Daniel. He doesn’t even look ashamed. Mike is “disappointed” (really?).

Dan swaggers back to the Waiting Room of Fear with not a hint of guilt ( “”Yeah it was easy!”). I know he’s a bullshitter but he’s very likeable.

Claudine quizzes Sian about suggesting her swimwear is affordable for students. “Not at £50” she insists. Sian says she’d buy it as a student – making the worse case for alleviating student debt ever.

Claude points out to Sabrina that no matter how great her “mini tennis events” are (and if we want to win Wimbledon more I’d give them a go) that she’s reliant on other peoples courts meaning she has to cancel events. I feel for her as an event organiser.

Claudine holds a picture up to Camilla “What does this say to you?” It’s a picture of a hungry female mouth drenched in nut milk. It’s fucking filthy to be frank. Claudine thinks no supermarket would go within miles of it (Anne Summers however).

stock-photo-sexy-girl-with-banana-382418320

Mike points out Khadijas has ten billion logos for her business and it turns out this is what she does at night on her mobile. She’s mad, and as Mike points out it renders her trademark worthless.

Dan meets Lynda and gets confused as to whether he’s launched in 3 countries or 3 continents. “Whereabouts in Asia?” she asks. “Erm is Australia in Asia?” retorts Dan.

Claudine asks Camilla about her zero costs for staff and Camilla admits she’d like to employ her out of work family members, which is really nice but surely it’s nepotism and you can’t do that. Oh Claudine’s just said that.

In the Waiting Room of Confidence Collapse Sian wonders “Maybe he’s gonna fire us all this year” – and let’s face it that would be a great last show ever.

Sian’s business plan insists she has passion and fire, but Claude states he hasn’t seen it (“I don’t know you after 11 weeks. You’re like vacant”). That is the meanest thing to say isn’t it? It turns out part of Sian’s plan is to spend the whole prize money on celebrity marketing (like she has enough – she couldn’t even afford Harry Redknapp to model a swimsuit now). Claude worries that could blow LordAlan’s prize money, but Sian “believes in it”. “That’s what’s so sad” sighs Claude.

Mike Souter manages to inveigle Sabrina into answering yes or no questions rather than talking about her plan – she tries to explain on return to the Waiting Room of WTF but they all laugh her (clearly she’s a bit wordy in real life – how dare she!?)).

Claude gets to meet Daniel “So it’s the final 5 – are you surprised you made it?” “Absolutely not!” retorts Dan. “I am” says Claude, who points out Dan has missed a lot of competitors from his plan. “A few may have been omitted” Dan admits. Claude concludes that Dan is “SO BLOODY UNTRUSTWORTHY” but he does make it sound sexy. Dan tries to be a grown up and says with Sugar’s money he’d get a packaging machine to take the cost per unit down and then look into global expansion.”That’s the type of serious business man we really want to see” Claude deadpans. The pisstaking swine!

Lynda is mean to Sian by pointing out that her swimwear is basically designed to fit bums fannies and boobs so like anything else. Why beaks hunchbacks and vestigial tails are not catered for is beyond me. To be fair she has a point – as it’s hard to tell the difference between Sian’s stuff and anything else from the highstreet. Maybe its shark repellent? Lynda is again worried about scalability (“You produced less than 400 garments then want to go to 17k in the first year?”). Sian claims to know manufacturers, but Lynda is unimpressed. However she makes it all worse by being nice. “I was once told you can’t build a brand in Leeds – well I did it and you can… er stop crying and just be realistic”.

Claudine meets Khadija and says she’s been told she’s aggressive. Khadija tears up as she’s just hungry to do well for her kids. Claudine advises her well “”You’ve got a law degree, you have a huge amount to be proud of. You have to channel that passion and not be aggressive – it will be your downfall”.

By now it’s become the Waiting Room of tears and false hugs. Daniel just raises his eyebrows at all the emo women “I’m feeling fresh – you look like you’re defeated”. Nobody is impressed.

Claudine accuses Dan of profiteering on heavy drinkers. He claims it’s about moderation which makes the “cures hangovers” part of his marketing a bit bollocks says Claudine. “I make no such claim” insists Dan. Oh Dan. She reads “I have designed a product that cures hangovers”. “That’s possibly worded badly” he tries. She tries to find something about Daniel beyond the bollocks. He says he gives clothes to the homeless and reveals he’s very Dad driven (imagine!). “My Dad said it’s not about what you can do for yourself – it’s what you can do for the world” Daniel reveals. I don’t think his dad was talking about fake hangover cures. Claudine asks him lots of questions about his need for Dad’s approval and he’s on the edge of tears which make his return to the Waiting Room of tears more amusing (“It was emotional”). He realises the danger and gets all cocky again – but we know.

So LordSugar gets his henchies to grass up the candidates and the main concensus is Dan’s a blagger, Sian’s too expensive and can’t “upscale”, Khadija is shouty (Lynda “Don’t worry I shouted back at her” – aww). Camilla is too sexy but her market is the fastest growing one (hmmm!). Sugar thinks Sabrina talks too much but Karren likes her.

Anyhow the candidates are back in. Whilst the name “Hangover Killers” was banned in UK under what Dan calls “draconian laws”  – Sugar’s keen to point out the positives of advertising standards) At this point almost everything he says will make
him look dodgy. And it does.

 

Sabrina gets stick from Karren for having no assets (Oh come on love! Only Camilla’s got a kitchen!) Despite Sabrina mentioning lots of scalable uses, Sabrina is fired which makes me wonder if she was only kept in to confuse me or fuck off anyone who bullied her who was fired earlier.

Camilla insists she wants to change the “sex” thing she’s being hit with. “I don’t think any of your visuals have done that!” nips in Karren always the first to hit a sister when she’s down.

Dan’s insisting his product USP is “rehydration” and not “endorsing a drinking culture” as Sugar worries. He doesn’t worry that much as Sugar keeps him for now for having shown “business acumen”.

Whilst Khadija has  impressed everyone with building a shouty cleaner business from only £20 – she’s regretfully fired as Sugar wants his nuts milked.

Sian gets the arse on as her dad “didn’t build me a kitchen” and it’s almost same class war (as usual) as Camilla’s all “My DAD BUILT ME NOTHING!”

We used to DREAM of a kitchen!

Camilla is pretty smart suggesting to Lord Sugs her product is in the early infancy of product and she can mould it to market together with him. He does a big “Hmmmm”

And sacks Dan.

So it’s a Sian vs Camilla Northern Girl nut crusher of a final. My money’s on Camilla. She’s got the most interesting product. And it’s Sugar here – how many blondes has he let win so far?

We get Dan’s taxi of doom (unfair on the women but hey?) – “I’m gutted” he says, blaming Sugar’s decision making “He’s probably going to wake up with a hangover tomorrow as aconsequence but best of luck to the girls”,

Should win:, Camilla Queen of SEX

Should not win:, Sian

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie, Sarah Ann, Sabrina, Khadija, Daniel

 

 

 

 

All the candidates are pretending to be asleep – whilst the Nightmare before Christmas music plays (maybe because Camilla is in bed in a pink unicorn onesie). But wait! A grizzled figure stalks to the front door. It’s Lord Sugar who’s come to announce that the house has been decked out with Christmas tut even though it’s fucking June or something as their task is to brand, design packaging for and create three flavours of chocolates to pitch to two major retailers – with the most orders winning.

In YET ANOTHER a pointless exercise in “balancing” the teams Camilla goes over to Typhoon with Dan and Sarah-Ann whilst Sabrina and Sian join Khadija on Collaborative. Why not just move one person across in the first place

Whilst the teams settle down with the eminently civilised brekkie of choccies, they select Project managers.

Dan wants to lead Typhoon although he doesn’t know much about chocolate, but Camilla’s chocolate enthusiasm and nut milk expertise wins Sarah-Ann’s vote so Camilla leads and Dan pretends not to be pissed off. Camilla wants a “cheeky” brand that can be used for secret Santa presents and they all back her. She manages to persuade Sarah Ann to go in the kitchen (“I trust you with flavours”) and nobody argues despite the fact she’s gone on at length about making her nut milks in a..erm.. kitchen.

Sabrina wants to lead Collaborative but nobody else wants her to. Sian suggests they do it all “collectively” and just “say Sabrina is the PM” – so they can chuck her under the bus at the first opportunity and Khadija agrees eagerly. They then proceed to stare sulkily at Sabrina like she’s farted every time she makes a suggestion. Sabrina completely patronises Khadija (“You’ve shown you excel in the kitchen”), but does sort of bond with Sian on ideas (Sian’s all about “memories” and would like a space on the box to personalise it with a picture or memento).

Why nobody comes up with kids chocolates filled with stuff like jelly and space dust is beyond me.

It’s off to Harlow Chocolate Factory where the team chefs have been assigned personal Umpah lumpah helpers. Khadija gets Bella Emburg who patiently and silently watches Khadija stuff her face with every possible flavour and listens to her waffling on about how great she is whilst mainly resisting the urge to do Gromit eyes. “Ooh coconut’s too exotic for me – and lemons just don’t say Christmas to me!” Khadija declares. She’s been given a luxury theme so naturally wants to put a pie inside a chocolate. OK a mince pie – but still! She plonks chestnuts and raspberries in her second chocolate and erm chocolate nib and cranberries in the third and declares herself “happy with my choices. They’re festive and classy. I mean what’s more classy than a chestnut?” Indeed.

Sarah Ann decides to sample all the booze flavours whilst getting steadily more pissed. Her Umpah lumpah bloke decides to break protocol to warn her to only have one drop of booze at a time “as it is concentrated”. She almost stops glugging from the bottle to listen to him. “Two I think” she suggests, weaving on the spot.

Camilla and Dan brainstorm their “naughty but nice” cheeky chocolates. She insists it must be “sexy and sizzling as sex sells” while Karren winces in the background. It’s like an X-rated “I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue”. Camilla:“Naughties?” Dan: “Mistle Tease”  “X-mas Treats” “Santa’s Seduction”. Camilla: “Santa’s Choco Seduction!” Both: “That’s it!”

Sabrina wants a name that plays on the memory theme but wants to get chocolate in the name so Sian suggests Renoir as “it combines reminiscent with memoirs and it’s French for something..” (impressionist artist perhaps?). Khadija phones with her flavours and Sabrina says well done. Khadija hangs up and looks at silent Bella Emburg (“That sounded positive”). Bella smiles mutely and enigmatically.  Meanwhile Sabrina worries Khadija’s choices are too safe to be luxury (maybe put some broken glass in them? Or a Spring Surprise?). They come up with what looks like a Christmas card box featuring a dull but fairly tasteful blue tree. Sian thinks there’s “too much tree” and moves it over. She wants to pick a handwritten font for the name, but they’re running out of time. Sabrina suggests picking the first scripted looking one they see but Sian wants to scroll through ALL THE FONTS. Finally Sabrina makes her see reason and she sulkily agrees to go for the first one – bitching that “it doesn’t look premium to me AND I DO BRANDING I DO!”

Dan and Camilla work on packaging – coming up with a tiny red box that would put Norman Lamont to shame adorned with a “cheeky” “sexy” blue haired elf in a santa dress. FFS! “Red is not only Christmassy but it’s sexy” says Dan. Deep. Sarah-Ann drunk dials them “HELLO THERE! I feel a bit tipsy!” “Goodness you need breathalysing” gasps Camilla. Sarah-Ann’s flavours are mulled wine, rum and dates, apple and popping candy. “I love them all” she slurs.

In kitchen the chocolatiers have to sort weights for their recipes. Khadija’s all over this as Bella looks on beatifically. Claude even gets force fed a taste of “Christmas on a spoon” (“It doesn’t smack of luxury” he confides once she’s out of earshot).

Next door Sarah Ann tries to stop the room spinning so she can write her recipe. There’s just one snag. “You made your chocolates without weighing your ingredients” Karren snipes (details!). Poor Sarah-Ann can just about manage a gormless smile in response and starts guessing the weights. Oops! Even Bella fucks off at this point. You’re on your own here love.

Bizarre filler time as Sabrina and Sian go to a Victorian acting school where Jack the Ripper and a crone teach them how to emote. Across town it’s even weirder as Dan and Camilla go to Santa School where a terrifying bald man in a dicky bow drills them in the ways of the elf. They learn the dance (“Step! Cross! Step! Clap!!”) and the poses (“GIVE ME A POSE NOW!”). And finally Santa judges them. This is how Hell will look in my dreams from now on.

santaschool.jpg

More like Satan School if you ask me!

Next day the chocolates are unveiled. Renoir Chocolat to faint boredom. Santa’s Choco Seduction to more appropriate shock and confusion (Sarah-Ann “It certainly screams out sex sells”) when it transpires that there’s only room for one chocolate in each box yet all three flavours are listed. Dan’s solution is to pen a tick next to whatever flavour it contains. Classy! It turns out it doesn’t matter as all the chocolates taste the same – of nothing (Sarah-Ann having done the classic pissed thing of underestimating for fear of fucking up). Cam and Dan head off to buy “cheeky” (shit) props including elf gear and an “I’ve been naughty I’ve been nice” jumper.

Khadija’s chocolates actually look nice, but Sabrina does that speaking her mind thing again and declares them “safe and traditional whereas she wanted one to be quirky”. Khadija looks punchy and Sian rescues the day by saying quickly “I think it works for a luxury brand”. “Thank you” breathes Khadija meaningfully. Sian and Sabrina head off to choose “luxury” props for their pitch. Like erm a luxury giant Santa.

Poor hungover Sarah-Ann heads off to do consumer research whilst frantically ticking boxes in the car. I do like her choice of a large bright red hat that reads “Help!”. Nobody can taste the chocolates and they all think the boxes are a bit Anne Summers. She returns to Dan and Camilla and declares that she got 100% positive feedback (eh?) and it “didn’t really matter that they weren’t getting the flavours through”. Oh ok.

Khadija attacks people on the street demanding at first that they slag off the packaging then aggressively making them taste the chocolates. I love her face when someone says the flavours don’t stand out. She “reveals” that she wants to blame Sian and Sabrina for their packaging if they lose.

Armed with the positive consumer feedback Daniel and Camilla dance in front of the panel from the Co-Op to general tumbleweed. “Can I invite you to have a cheeky dance with us?” flails Camilla as Karren shakes her head sadly. “Or take a quick elfy?”. Righteous silence ensures. Daniel pitches that they’ve gone for a seductive adult spin and you can see the panic on the Co-Op team’s faces who worry the design is too sexualised when “Christmas is about children” (boring!). Camilla sounds a bit Stringfellow declaring that “Something is missing in the adult market” but she’s hit by a whammy from the co-op lady who says the packaging is “sexist” (the team miss a trick and fail to declare it gender fluid). “We could work with you on flavours” Camilla blurts but they are given short shrift. “That could have been better” Dan understates slightly. Finally Sarah-Ann shares the feedback about the theme seeming too adult and Camilla decides to use the term “cheeky” rather than “seduction” for the next pitch.

Khadija and Sian faff about sticking up the Santa prop whilst the panel from  Moonpig point and laugh. Khadija isn’t shy about plugging her “hand made artisan” chocolates and everyone likes the flavours but they think the packaging is a bit crap. Sian suggests it would have a red bow (hang on – where did that come from?). Sabrina stays on message talking about the space for pictures and now Moonpig woman is well befuddled so Sian decides to spin some mindjizz about launching a massive pop up campaign around the UK and putting money into marketing. “How much” challenge unconvinced team Moonpig and Sian plucks the figure of £50 to £100k out of her arse. “Where did that come from?” Khadija challenges post pitch and Sian’s all “Dunno!”. Sabrina advises that if it happens again just say the amount depends on number of orders.

Moonpig are rather more receptive to Typhoon and even overcome their fear of Dan reindeer crotch bumping at them to join in with the dance looking slightly more in synch than the candidates. Dan says “cheeky” every few words and Camilla promises that the method of identifying contents will be made more professional than a hastily drawn on tick. It’s the bloke from Moonpig who worries that the idea of Santa seducing anyone is a bit creepy (yeah mate I’ve heard a song about him kissing YOUR MUM!) but ultimately Moonpig think the concept is fun and quirky

If anyone’s going to like dull and traditional Renoir Chocolat it’s the good old Co-op and not even Sian and Sabrina’s shit acting skillz can put them off. They are impressed by chestnut in a chocolate and Khadija looks smug. Oh Sian’s at it again promising media and people in every store. “We have 2500 stores” points out the Co-Op lady and Sabrina rescues things by suggesting that if the Co-Op placed a big enough order they could offer “support” with the marketing campaign. Phew! Post pitch Sian is in denial about promising the Co-Op everything but her first born, but we all saw it.

In the boardroom Lord Sugar’s joke writers have gone on strike (“If I was a chocolate I’d be a rich one with a hard centre”. No LordAlan you’d be a Walnut Whip).

Santa’s Choco Seduction gets the fourth degree first and I do like the fact that they ran out of decent names by chocolate three and just called it the “Ultimate baddy”  – way to accentuate the positive. Sugar’s incensed that they put the solicitor in the kitchen, because this is a cooking competition isn’t it? Camilla expresses disappointment in Sarah-Ann’s weak flavours and she responds “I was surprised by that – it was only four drops off the legal alcohol limit” (you mean YOU were!). Karren grasses Sarah-Ann up for not weighing her ingredients and Khadija shoots her a sneery look across the table. “I did weigh up afterwards” she attempts feebly. Stupid Sexy Camilla gets stick for her stupid sexy idea (Sugar “One of the ladies expected a chocolate willy Wonka”).

Collaborative are under scrutiny next and Sabrina reveals she started importing sweets to the UK at the age of 14. “Renoir Chocolat” is compared to Del Boy’s grasp of French (“Mange et toot”). Sian’s asked where her mythical £100k was coming from and she sheepishly admits “I didn’t know what to say”. They’re all bashed for over-promising changes rather than focusing on selling the product and Sian tries to blame Sabrina for the idea about printing things in the blank space (Sian’s idea). Khadija slags them both off.

Anyhow results are in:

Typhoon got 750 orders from Moonpig for Santa’s Choco Seduction. Collaborative got none.

However the Co-Op thought Typhoon were sleazy and sexist and made no orders, whereas they liked both the packaging and taste of Renoir Chocolat so ordered 7000 boring boxes of chocolates to presumably add to their “Luxury” range.

Oh NOW Collaborative are hugging each other and Sian is bizarrely in tears (she was presumably shitting a brick at being the final three after inventing a magic money tree for chocolate promotion).

“I have to try those chocolates” Lord Sugar declares. “Please do!” yells Khadija and they have to drag her off to the treat (High tea at a hotel since you ask) to prevent her from stuffing them into his gob.

Both Sian and Khadija in their treat VTs go I WON THIS TASK IT WAS ALL ME. Sabrina however simply states she has her “eyes on the prize” then goes back to take this piss out of Sian over that £100K.

In Café Doom Camilla blames the chocolate but Sarah-Ann’s having none of it and blames the word “seductive”. Dan thinks they’ve both left him down. None of that introspection for our Daniel.

Back in and Sugar’s still on at Camilla for not making the chocolates when she milks nuts for fuck sake. Camilla thinks her creativity was more useful on the branding side and it’s pointed out that she and Dan egged each other on to make their product too adult. She backtracks and claims she only went with Dan’s name “so he would have some say in the matter”. What a martyr! Sugar starts reminiscing about the 1970s and Babs Windsor getting her thruppeny bits out till he has to remind himself that that’s a BAD THING nowadays and the candidates are definitely more naughty than nice.

Camilla points out Sarah-Ann only told them the positives from the consumer research, but Sarah-Ann  “can’t see how that would have changed the pitch”. Oh dear.  Dan gently explains that after the drubbing from the Co-Op they were able to use that feedback to adjust the second pitch and get orders.

Karren gets a grand slam in (“The Co-Op said the brand was tasteless and the chocolates were tasteless”)  making Camilla’s jaw drop open and a croaking noise come out of her throat.

After slagging them off with Karren and Claude, Sugar plays the pretending to fire Camilla and Daniel game for a bit whilst Sarah-Ann sulks in the background (“You keep calling yourselves branding experts – er why?”) – and the penny drops finally for Dan (“We got caught up in the theme – we should have taken a step back and toned down”) whilst Camilla pathetically claims she was “swayed” by Dan. “I suggested names to fit the brief” he rejoins. Sugar suggests his ideas were more apt for a sex shop and the poor bloke looks like a not so rampant rabbit in the headlights. However it’s with a huge lack of surprise (and regret of course) that Sarah-Ann is fired. She looks well stroppy. In the taxi of ARGGH she gets out the gin and continues to blame the word seduction. The taxi driver has probably heard this so many times.

Cam and Dan are told “This was a bladdy disaster – you’ve made the final 5!” in the most backhanded congratulation I’ve heard for some time.

Next week finally it’s interview time where the candidates are quizzed on their business plans . There will be bullshit and brutality. Hurrah! I liked the snippet of Claude telling Camilla “Your ideas are all based around sex!” Maybe we all had this nut milk thing all wrong.

Liking: Sabrina, Daniel

Could win: Daniel

Meh:, Camilla Queen of SEX

Disliking: Khadija, Sian

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie, Sarah Ann

Everyone’s dragged to the old BBC TV centre at the made-up time of 5.30am and it’s sad to see the old place looking empty. The teams have to pick products to sell on a shopping channel, which Lord Sugar declares shift a billion quid worth of tut a year. They also have to make a promotional video for a product. Most sales wins.

In a pointless exercise in “balancing” the teams, Dan and Sarah-Ann are moved to Typhoon (joining Sabrina and Sian) whereas Tom is put on Collaborative (Sarah-Ann, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie). Er why?

Dan and Jackie go all Nostradamus and predict a double firing this week.

Everyone wants to lead Collaborative and Jackie suggests everyone say who should be PM. She picks Tom even though he’s never even watched a shopping channel and he seems to get the wrong end of the stick and assume she’s playing Kingmaker (“What do you want? Er I don’t mind”) which everyone else accepts.  Tom announces he will present and everyone looks worried. Jackie puts herself forward too, but Khadija wants to be on telly (“This is about getting people to love you!” er) and Tom is an idiot so picks her for having “more passion”.  Another shot of Jackie looking sad and Khadija looking smug. Jackie and Camilla are horrified.

Sian wants to lead Typhoon and everyone backs her. She picks Dan to present as he talked so much shit last week (Dan: “I got the chat, I got the looks, I got the quiff”). Sarah Ann is sent to present too whilst Sabrina toodles off with Sian to pick products. Or to watch Sian pick products and ignore all her suggestions.

The teams browse for products at TJC Feltham’s big warehouse full of shite. Sian’s obsessed by numbers and plumps for some gold earrings selling at nearly £3,000. Sabrina worries it’s too high end and they don’t have enough knowledge to sell them, but Sian’s determined to take a risk. They also pick a spiraliser and a leather handbag and some weird spinning bog brush on a stick. Quality.

Camilla wants high end stuff but Jackie reminds her of the useless twats who will be presenting and they steer towards cheap stuff that even idiots should be able to talk about. They pick some hair curlers, tooth whitener, a giant pink vagina that is allegedly an inflatable chair and a £900 pendant.

Tom attends “presenter training” and has to sell a “pug in a mug”. He can’t even make that sound fun. “You need a bit more energy. You need to be more personable about it” says the trainer. “Er yeaahh” drawls Tom “it’s a solid mug.. it’s so generic”.

Dan struggles in his training to sell a “lovely perfume” with a woman talking over him and shouting “keep talking” and he gets a spot of performance anxiety, drying up with a big stupid grin. “Dead air is bad” warns the trainer.

Daniel worries about the £2,951 hoop earrings that Sian brings back. “If I was spending that I would like a guy to sit down with me and put it on my face” (er what?) he whimsies. “I’d want to feel loved”.

It’s time to make the promo. Khadija suggests that someone doing their hair or make-up quickly sells on these channels so Tom films her styling her hair (oddly interspersed with people doing weights) whilst getting disturbingly over-enthused (I believe it’s more usual to shout “cut” after the last shot rather than “Oh you absolute animal!”).

Sian sends Sarah-Ann and Daniel to make a promo ad for the “Spin Scrubber”  urging them to “keep it classy”. They head for a show home, only realising upon arrival that (Dan) “We didn’t fucking turn up with the product did we?” The bloke at the show home looks disgusted and they’re forced (confusingly) to go and get the product and then film to promo in a car park where Sarah-Ann pretends to clean the car by pointing the bog brush on a stick at it whilst talking a million miles an hour like she’s been on the red bull AND the coke and looks genuinely spooked when she turns it on and it starts er spinning. She even manages to use the wrong name (Spin Stopper?). How did the promo go asks Sabrina on their return. “I think it would be a more efficient use of our time to crack on” he sidesteps unconvincingly – unfortunately a producer arrives at that very moment to say they can’t run the promo as it’s a big bag o’ shite. Sian=disappointed.

Sian meanwhile gets to patronise and exclude Sabrina a bit more by deciding that she will do all the talking in the crew room on the channel whilst Sabrina presses buttons and stays away from anything else. Surprised she’s even allowed to press the buttons.

Jackie and Camilla decide to switch roles between talking and button pressing so that only one person is talking at any time. Tom however insists that one person should speak and one does prices, which Camilla interprets as meaning that she should do ALL the speaking. Nobody else. Just her.  This gives Jackie somewhat of the arse on.

So it’s countdown to airtime and Khadija’s first word is “SHIT!”. “Your mic is live” a producer informs her dryly in her earpiece. I’m not convinced she’s loving the giant vagina chair. “It’s amazing!” she blethers. “It’ssssssssssss” (deflating?). She drags it around and does anything to avoid sitting in it. “It’s self inflating” she says. “No it’s not” Camilla tells her. “In that you need to inflate it yourself” finishes Khadija. Camilla tells her to sit in it and she collapses unhappily into its rosy lips – it’s like it’s giving birth to her. She looks relieved to head over to Tom who does his best to be smooth. He manages creepy (“Hey how’s it going?”). He refuses to demo the tooth whitener (“I’m not gonna demo it yet I’m gonna say why you shouldn’t miss out”) until Camilla practically screams “Put it in your mouth!”. Everything freezes and Jackie has to tell Camilla to tell Tom to move. The promo plays and Khadija tries to talk about the curlers but Camilla is annoyed by Khadija’s style of selling and tells her to let Tom speak, cos that makes fucking sense. Unsurprisingly Tom does not demonstrate an in depth knowledge of hair styling products (“It’s er such a good thing to get”).

Khadija ends up flogging the pedant (“One more amazing product – if you’re a hubby out there show your wife you appreciate her” – Khadija seems to be from the 1950s) and reads from the label it’s “Triple A – that is like the best of the best of the best!”. Camilla informs her it isn’t. “You could get better or er spend more money on more things” wibbles Khadija. They flog two and Camilla insists on lowering the price for some reason.

Their slot finishes. “So that wasn’t great” says Camilla. “That was terrible” agree the crew. “That was something else.” mumbles a now as pumped as he possibly could be Tom. “It was good – honestly” lies Camilla. “Was any of it awkward?” asks Tom. There’s an awkward silence.

It’s Typhoon’s turn and Sarah Ann’s flogging the leather handbag, repeatedly drilling in (on Sian’s command) that it’s “100% genuine leather”. Over to Dan and he seems to think the spiraliser (“my personal favourite”) is a portable item (“Take it in your handbag use it anywhere on the go” –erm- “I don’t know where you’re going” – we don’t know where you’re going Dan – “but it’s probably better places than me”. Agreed).

It’s Spin Scrubber time and Sian actually listens to Sabrina’s suggestion to make it “fun”. Unfortunately they fail and just talk over each other. Dan insists it “has made cleaning a pleasure” and impressively it’s effective “within a couple of strokes” (madam!). Dan also travels back in time, insisting it’s a “great way to impress the wife” whilst Sarah Ann wafts it over the prop bookcase.

They co-present the hoop earrings and one sells already causing Sian to momentarily lose the plot in her excitement. Sarah-Ann gets in on the 1950s action (“If you bought me this, I’d marry you tomorrow”). Sabrina wants to drop the price to try for more sales – and on one sale maybe she has a point – but Sian won’t listen and is determined to stick by every decision she’s made.

In the boardroom, Tom thinks Jackie was happy to be “on the side” rather than presenting (er no), but Sugar’s surprised the strongest presenter wasn’t picked. Khadija gets all stroppy (“ Jackie had several opportunities – people should get a chance to see I’m also strong at pitching” – Sugar looks unconvinced).

Sugar thinks the “Self inflating lounger” (NOT self inflating!) sounds like “Piers Morgan” – who coincidentally also doubles as a giant vagina. Collaborative’s half decent promo is shown and Sarah-Ann looks crestfallen. It apparently generated 34 sales too. Jackie and Camilla argue about the strategy for talking and button pressing. I think Jackie’s right on this one but who really cares? Camilla accuses Jackie of “speaking in the background and being negative” (er she saved your arse a few times there Camilla).

vagchair.jpg

Piers Morgan yesterday.

Sian’s asked about the products. She liked the fact the leather bag was real leather. Sabrina chuckles (“I think we got that across”). Sarah-Ann admits they forgot to take the product to the promo shoot and as punishment the video is shown. “Not my finest hour” a sheepish Sarah-Ann admits.

Sugar asks Daniel about his “proposal” during the hoop earrings selling. “I’ll  do anything for the team” shrugs Dan.

Anyhow sales time and we’re finally reminded that sometimes people say they’re buying but don’t go through with it because the drugs wear off by the time they’ve found their credit card. So real confirmed sales are £1,329 to Collaborative (the pendant sales were reneged) and £1,467 for Typhoon (the earrings sale didn’t go through).

A win by the narrowest of margins demands a treat by the narrowest sense of the world so Typhoon are sent to watch a film in a park (“Little Shop of Horrors” – oh ho ho!).

Tom is sacked on the spot for being a third time losing PM. Bish Bosh Bang no messing. No hugs, no coffee no taxi of despair no nothing. The others are sent to Café Doom where they try their best to appear civil whilst turning the passive aggressive dial to 11. Camilla accuses Jackie of playing strategically and pushing Tom to be PM to set him up for a fail. Er what? Back in the boardroom, Sugar seems to have picked up on this theory (“You all knew Tom was at the last chance hotel”).

Jackie insists she’s the “closest person to Tom”, but Camilla admonishes her (“If you’d had Toms best interest at heart”) and Khadija also feels Jackie shouldn’t have forced Tom (poor little Tom) to be PM. So here we are Apprentice 2018 three supposedly adult women arguing over a man.

Sugar then asks if Khadija has an aggressive manner. “NO!!!” she snaps and goes into a big rubbish crying jag about everyone else being a game player and how she has a “big heart”. Even Sugar sees through that “Oh come on… he’s a big boy”.

Sugar asks who made the decision to drop the pendant price after two sold 30 seconds before it went off air. Camilla looks all proud (“I made that decision”). “Where’s your brain?” retorts Sugar. Camilla then moans Jackie gave her “no back up” (Oh FFS!) and they argue (Camilla: “You couldn’t even do the clicking”) whilst Sugar looks weary.

He gets advice from Karren and Claude (who thinks Jackie is “manipulative but brilliant”). Back in Jackie may just blow things for herself by announcing how ace and skill she is and how she set up a business for $2k and sold it for $2million, prompting Sugar to ask what she’s doing there? “I want to experience business with someone at a different level and I want to understand my skill set through the process and prove what I can do” (translation if she wins she will nick all his contacts, if she loses she’s got some free advertising for her idea – a “sponsorship package standardisation” thingy).

Not to be outdone Khadija boasts about starting a business from £20 whilst raising 2 kids. Camilla adds that lactose intolerance (whilst working on a diary farm – ha!) drove her to milking nuts in a kitchen on the other side of her house which she sells to local shops. Sugar likes this and reminisces about boiling beetroots and making lemonade as a boy. To him Camilla and Khadija are both acorns who are looking for a life changing amount of money to scale up their businesses whilst Jackie is a mighty oak and so she is fired for being a strong successful intelligent woman whilst the other two numpties are sent back to the house. Who said life is fair? He worries Khadija may be too aggressive but keeps her in for theTelly (at least until she savages someone).

Jackie is candid and likeable in the Taxi (for her of wry smiles and shrugs). “I guess I need a job… I was hoping to walk away and win it but that didn’t play out, but first” she leans back “I’m going to take a holiday”. You go girl.

Back at the house Sarah is shocked (“MASSIVE plot twist!”).

Next week the candidates make chocolates for xmas – even though the things filmed in Spring.

 

Liking: Sabrina, Daniel

Could win: Sian

Meh: Sarah Ann, Camilla

Scary Lady: Khadija

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie

 

 

 

 

It’s 4.30am (hmm) and the remaining besuited twots have to go to Kelvingrove Art Gallery in thatGlasgow, where Karren and Claude flank a screen showing Lord Sugar as he can’t make it having the urgent business of not being arsed to go to Scotland to attend to. Pixel Sugar informs them they have to choose a contemporary artist and sell their work both at a gallery event and to a corporate client.

Over on Typhoon (Tom, Sabrina, Sian and Jasmine) whilst Sabrina has no idea about art, Tom’s Dad and sister are artists, Sian did art A’Level and Jasmine likes visiting art galleries in order to feign human emotions and is therefore elected as PM. She reveals that “I had to lead as I don’t want to sit back and watch some else make lots of mistakes. Buzz Click Whirr”. She makes Sian subteam leader, sending her and Sabrina off to meet the client and takes Tom to select art. Sabrina worries that she and Sian don’t have enough art knowledge, but Jasmine is not interested in the protestations of the puny human.

Over on Collaborative (Sarah-Ann, Daniel, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie), Jackie “minored” in fine art (“I did Post Modern Impressionism” – eh? Is that like Rory Bremner doing Mike Yarwood?) and is duly elected supreme guru. She makes Sarah-Ann leader of the corporate client meeting sub-team and takes Daniel off to talk art-wank to the artists.  To be fair he’s fricking good at it (although telling Sophie Morgan, a paralysed artist who specialises in “blind drawing” that she can “draw better with your eyes closed than me with my eyes open” takes the team patronising the arts to new levels). Next they meet Solvig Dottir who does a mixture of wacky (gummy bears spelling out Home Sweet Home) and weird. Daniel pretends to like a sculpture of a horse (“I can see the messages coming forward”) but revels that he’s treading “a fine line between interpretation and blagging” and that he really thinks most normal people wouldn’t want a “big structure with a duck with his arse in the air” in their home.

Tom tries his best to connect to an oil painter (“To me feelings and emotions are er deep”) , but he’s more interested in the fact her daubings sell for a grand a splurge and immediately demands 50% commission. The artist laughs in his face (“which half of the painting is yours?”) and offers him 35%. “I could work with you” Tom sulks. Supposed art lover Jasmine does no better with Sophie Morgan’s sketchs. “Is this how you would sell them? In frames?” she asks (yes Jasmine that is how humans do such things). She’s agreed with Tom that she will lead the conversation but the sour faced twatty goateed fool keeps interrupting her and eventually talks over her. Outside he mumbles about her letting him edge in occasionally so he doesn’t feel too emasculated.

Kadija, Camilla and Sarah-Ann go to a showroom selling sound systems. When the bloke proudly plays some music to demonstrate what they’re about, rather than listen Sarah-Ann keeps talking (“Is it surround sound?”) and I can’t help feeling blokey is pressing a secret button down the side of his chair to turn the sound up and drown her wittering out. The client says they would spend up to £4,000 but the piece would need to reflect their “three key pillars of innovation, provenance and experience” (Khadija mouths them out loud uncomprehendingly as she writes this down). They relay this information back to Jackie and Dan – explaining that they think that “innovation means erm something innovative and that provenance means to provoke or maybe the province you’re from”. Unfortunately Dan doesn’t hang up quick enough to hide his “Oh my GOD!” as he and Jackie piss themselves laughing at their thicky subteam.

Sabrina and Sian visit Events Website ItIsOn who are predictably Nathan Barley in their business surroundings.

It’s like this but worse.SugarApe

The pretentious Hoxton twits warm to Sabrina who enthusiastically slides down the pole in their office and Karren is impressed with the rapport built. This client would also spend £4K as long as the artwork is really fucking stupid and pointless. Sabrina tries to relay this to Tom and Jasmine but they don’t really listen. Because it’s Sabrina talking. However they do take on board some of this and go for Solvig the sculptress (thankfully not put off by Tom banging on about price) as it will appeal most to the corporate client although Jasmine worries they’re putting all their eggs in one basket.

Jackie and Dan visit Eleanor the oil painting lady. “I find them quite captivating. They’re dark and sinister from one perspective but with an inner  brightness” bullshits Dan. “But what’s your feeling?”. “I could only reiterate what you said” says oil painting lady – I think she only does it to see the big stunned “WTF?” on Dan’s face. They agree that it won’t please the corporate client but gamble on her work having more public appeal.

Next day, his uncanny success with Oily Eleanor having gone to his head, Daniel has morphed into his idea of what an art lover looks like. In his case it’s wearing a linen suit with a hanky in his pocket and fixing his hair Dumb and Dumber/Dwayne Dibley style (“I’m blending art into the individual”). The rest of the team look sadly at the chosen paintings (Khadija in particular looks confused and horrified) and Camilla worries that these won’t appeal to the public as they would “have to look at it and try to understand it” hence missing the point of art. The subteam is sent to look after the gift shop whilst Jackie passive aggressively tries to force customers to “reserve” pieces of art by putting little amber stickers below them as though that means something. Sarah-Ann wants to lower the prices of the art related tea towels and tat. Jackie says “Yeah. So lets go high end”. Ha. Unfortunately their customers laugh at them trying to sell a tote bag for £25 when you could get the same thing in Waitrose probably with a lovely picture of a cucumber or some halloumi on it for a fiver.

Sian and Sabrina however love the sculptures – Sabrina in particular thinks the Home Sweet Home piece would be right up their client’s wall. Jasmine insists that she and Tom should do all the selling and talking, having met the artist and Sabrina and Sian are consigned to the gift shop of shame where Sabrina annoys Sian by not obeying orders (to be fair Sian isn’t helping by giving any constructive orders, she’s just being stroppy and telling Sabrina to leave her alone while she does loads of printing for some reason). Jasmine manages to sell one of the cheaper pieces (“an ice cream plaque”?), somewhat desperately banging on about it being an “investment in contemporary art. Whirr click”. Unfortunately, Sabrina, like Cinderella, has decided to come to the ball and is wandering around waving art tea towels, distracting customers from the massively expensive sculptures, as it’s more fun than being moaned at by Sian. Jasmine spots her and dispatches her back to the scullery sorry gift shop before.

Daniel is holding fawning women of a certain age spellbound with his marvellous art-wankery. He confides to camera that “Jackie knows what she’s talking about – I haven’t a fucking clue”. Proper warming to Daniel. And he manages to make sales, even chucking in a free tote bag to the lady who laughed at Sarah-Ann. Haha!

Meanwhile Tom’s gone full Partridge in his attempts to sell. “You look at it and think ‘What’s going on? Why? Where is it? Where’s it going?’”

Khadija gets the arse on for Camilla trying to talk nicely to potential customers that she’s been shouting on at about cushion covers (“Come directly and see me if you want anything. My name’s Khadija but call me K” – she sounds a bit King’s Cross with that sort of patter). Later she whinges that Camilla is “disruptive” and “desperate to get sales”. She really is an argumentative cow.

Jasmine tries to send Sabrina and Sian outside to sell stock as they “won’t be pivotal to selling to the corporate client”. Sabrina pushes back (“But we have built a strong rapport with the client”) but Jasmine insists she needs to listen and work as a team player.

Of course the client arrives and promptly asks where Sabrina and Sian are, but Jasmine ploughs on with no understanding of their “ethos”, telling them she chose a shiny owl sculpture for them as Sabrina or Sian said something about “er birds”. “Not quite” explains the client, “there’s a tree in the office” (of course). They take a shine to the Home Sweet Home piece. Now who was it who thought they’d like that?

Sabrina’s gagging to go and talk to the client, but Sian is busy packing stock to take out and insisting that “Jasmine told us to go”.

Another customer returns who also fancied the Gummy Bear Home Sweet Home. “You’ve come at the perfect time” says Jasmine. “We have a client eying that piece up” (No you idiot – she’s come at the wrong time!). She promptly sells it to the customer (not sure if it’s a set price) and gloatingly tells the client what’s she’s done as though that will make them want to buy a fucking owl. They are sad. “I feel really bad” says Jasmine, her beautiful cold dead eyes suddenly alarmed at the prospect of losing a sale. “Whirr buzz”. “It’s a shame Sabrina and Sian aren’t here” says the client and Tom is forced to go and get them. Well at least Sian (Sabrina being too shameful). Sian manages to bullshit on about the owl representing a link with nature and the tree whilst also being trendy. “You have articulated it much better” says the delighted stupid client. Sian is smug.

Collaborative don’t get so lucky, mainly due to the subteam having gathered very little intelligence either in life or during their client visit. Jackie attempts to blag it “art is a reflection of a person and the experience of sound is subjective”. “That’s actually the opposite of our ethos which is about making sound objective” says the speaker bloke who is a bit of a chippy little ponce, “I don’t think we’ll be buying anything”. Ohh get you!

Both teams are sent onto the street to sell art tat. Sian shows her amazing deal-brokering skills selling tote bags (“That’s £29.99 or £30 for two”) and Jasmine gives everyone a team hug. Tom is still sour faced at a woman daring to not let him lead every conversation.

Back in the boardroom and Dan’s hair has magically requiffed into geezer mode. He still insists he connected “on an artistic level” with Eleanor and Sugar accuses him of talking “Jackson Pollocks”. He’s been saving that gag all episode. Daniel is rather kind about the subteam’s failure to understand the client’s ethos, merely suggesting “they could have been more concise”.

Typhoon are set up for a fall by Sugar pointing out their collective artistic knowledge. Tom immediately tries to get the boot in over Jasmine not letting him do all the talking. Not that he’s bitter. Sian also tries to give Sabrina a kicking (“It was so difficult working with you”). Sabrina points out if she hadn’t wanted to meet the client, Sian wouldn’t have made that sale. “Don’t take credit for my sale” snaps Sian. Sugar comes to Sabrina’s defence: “She’s right. If you’d left you wouldn’t have sold.” Hurrah!

Anyhow commissions are in. Typhoon made £1325, but Collaborative made £3499 despite losing the client due to amazing sales with the public and are sent to do “portraits on pizza”.

Sian leads the mass stomp off to Café Doom where Tom is still wearing a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle as he accuses Jasmine of trying to “dominate situations”. Maybe that’s what management is eh Tom?

Sian moans about Sabrina going AWOL. Sabrina points out she made more sales. “Yeah” glowers Sian, “But I did 90% more PRINTING!”

Back in the boardroom and in typical world turned upside down bollocks Sugar blames them for targeting the corporate client and not other customers, although had they done the opposite they would be getting slagged for that too.

Jasmine reveals she didn’t “just want to target the local general public. I have no idea on their taste in art” (ooh get her! Jasmine thinks that Scottish people are happy just staring at the point of a box of Quaker Oats).

Sian goes “only obeying orders” on Sabrina (“I LISTEN to what people tell me to do in certain situations”). And Tom thinks it’s all about him (“We’re here to discuss what my honest opinion is” (eh?)).

Jasmine brings back Tom as he sold eff all and Sabrina cos it’s get Sabrina day. Sugar asks Jasmine about her CV which states that her best business skill is “the ability to simplify the complex”. “What do you mean?” he understandably asks and she waffles on about the “message” whilst her head rotates 360 degrees. He condemns her “corporate demeanour”.

Tom thinks he performed well on some tasks, he’s “obsessed” and “hungry” and people can work with him, not Jasmine. She however blames Sabrina for losing and starts harping on about her business plan (based on “consumer technology” naturally), and when Tom tries to interrupt she slams him “It’s a business about making money Tom” (yeah you wouldn’t know anything about that Tree Boy!).

Sugar worries that Tom is a loser and Sabrina doesn’t listen but blames Jasmine for a “bad choice of product” (wot?) and fires her. I hate to say it but I laugh at how stunned she is. She’s been presenting herself as a winner all series and has been bright and professional, but Christ she’s been humourless.

Tom’s card is marked and it’s “last chance saloon” for the chinny gimp. Fortunately Sabrina is safe too and she immediately offers Jasmine a (reciprocated) hug. Tom however gets a cold sullen handshake. Yeah!

In the Taxi of Doom Jasmine is still annoyingly professional (“It’s been the most incredible experience I have no regrets… Click buzz.. this unit is recharging”).

Dan’s sad to see Tom return (“I fancied being the only man in house with all these girls” – oh Dan –and so close to me really liking you too!).

Next week the candidates demean themselves on the shopping channel thus depriving James Whale of his only remaining source of income. Yay!

Amused by: Daniel

Warming to: (amazingly) Jackie, Sabrina

Meh: Sian, Sarah Ann, Camilla

Tosspots: Khadija, Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000

The candidates end up at the Crossrail building at Canary Wharf because it has a rooftop gardening and according to Lord Sugar “Urban gardening is a big new trend”. Each team has to set up their own gardening business and pitch to corporate clients whilst running a mobile service. Most profit wins.

Sarah-Ann’s moved to Collaborative with Daniel, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie. Lord Sugar appoints Daniel PM. He’s “super excited” even though he knows literally sod all about gardening. The masterplan is to price as high as possible without taking the piss. Both Jackie (who does gardening) and Khadija (who does cleaning) want to lead the mobile subteam, but Khadija deathstares him into choosing her and she promptly shoots Jackie a massive SMUGLOOK. Tom takes Sarah-Ann to meet a rooftop bar manager in Shoreditch, insisting they don’t over-promise and concentrate on profit margins. The client wants an “urban jungle” cos it’s fucking Shoreditch. Dan immediately thinks “Astroturf” because that’s exactly what would sort out the poor little Orang Utan’s forest in the Iceland advert. The client agrees as long as it’s “high spec” (eh?). Sarah Ann then starts offering loads of extra shit: planters, vines, cocaine production labs – much to Dan’s chagrin. He argues his client up from £2000 to £2500 for the job, but she points out she’ll only pay that if she’s totally wowed.  Unfortunately at the garden centre they discover that Astroturf is hugely expensive, eating substantially into their budget, and decide to buy cheap shit instead.

Tom the tree surgeon is backed to lead Typhoon ( Sabrina, Sian, Jasmine and Kayode).  He elects Sian to lead the subteam and takes Sabrina off to see the Corporate Client who wants a “stylish” rooftop garden and the seating painting for £2000. Tom argues her up an extra £100 to “treat” the seats and they shake. It’s off to the garden centre where Tom rushes to the bargain sale rails (“Keep it cheap and make it look classy”)  with Sabrina trailing him round looking like Bubble from Ab-Fab but more doubtful. “Here’s more cheap stuff” he announces joyously. “Here’s NICE stuff!” she says pointedly. He shakes his head. Nah!  He drops a plant (“bollocks”) and briefly considers getting a discount on it as the soil’s been displaced. He’s really selling his business here.

Khadija informs Jackie and Camilla that she is a  “team player not a dictator”. Well that’s going to put their minds at rest. Jackie and Camilla (somehow it’s a task remit that one team member dresses as a flower for this bit – it’s Kayode in the other team) try to offer ideas about price but Khadija doesn’t listen and just shouts them down “WE ALL NEED TO CO-OPERATE!” before accusing Jackie of getting all aggressive cos she didn’t get to be sub-team leader. “WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?” retaliates Jackie, and although she’s technically evil too I feel her pain.

Over on Typhoon Kayode in his contractually obliged Peter Gabriel in Genesis outfit tries to appear professional whilst working out a quote for hanging baskets. It doesn’t work and he gets stupidly proud arguing the client up from £100 to £130 for a load of baskets that cost twice as much whilst Jasmine looks mortified.

gabrielflower

“Me I’m just a lawnmower you can tell by the way I cut into my margins”.

 

Khadija’s subteam approach a shop (Jackie “Your place looks super amazing but might be in need of some summering” Er WHAT?) whilst Khadija talks over her and offers completely different services and prices and the potential customer looks bemused. Somehow she agrees they can sort out her shop lady garden – she probably just wants them to go away.

Both mobile teams pitch to doll up a boat bar and wash the decks by 12.30pm the next day. Jasmine is very keen that Kayode considers both the service charge and the price of the gear. He manages to utterly balls up the maths so Jasmine plucks £300 out of the air and Sian adds an extra £100 for putting climbers on the hand rails (because none of these people have ever seen the prices in a fricking garden centre). Kayode still thinks they’ve charged too much bless him. He’s back in his element knocking at doors of potential punters “I guess you wasn’t expecting to see a sunflower!”.

Khadija somehow has decided that a pallet forms a potential garden feature – offering the same service for £900 including the pallet (eh?) and £700 without. Jackie suggests the pallet is part of the service and the final price confusingly is £900. Unsurprisingly the client plumps for Typhoon and explains that Collaborative were too pricy and the pitch too “forceful”. Khadija breaks the news to Dan (“Er we’re doing really well but you wanted us to go for higher prices”). Dan does a sad face.

Next day the lazy bastards are still sitting round discussing plans at 8am!  Tom moves to the mobile team and sends Jasmine and Sabrina to do the other corporate rooftop garden despite Sabrina pointing out that this is the highest price job and she has no experience in gardening whereas he operates on bloody trees.

Dan decides to bring Jackie onto his subteam to break her and Khadija up, but she refuses to move due to her great gardening knowledge. So in his great wisdom Dan brings Camilla to his side and tells Khadija and Jackie to “be professional”. Khadija already looks moody. As his subteam drive off Sarah-Jane asks “Are you mental?” Camilla agrees (“It’s one of worst decisions you’ve made”). I get popcorn and await the fireworks.

Professional tree surgeon Tom manages to fail to give the van driver bringing all their gear to the boat job any directions so they spend ages waiting to properly start. He stalls by explaining to the client “We’re just er clearing the area” whilst everyone shuffles chairs about. She reminds him of the 12.30pm deadline. “Yeah fine…”. Tom shouts orders at Kayode who’s struggling to jet wash the bar and actually hear as he’s wearing massive headphones. That doesn’t stop Tom so Kayode just mutters “Yeah yeah” to everything and keeps spraying. The client is disappointed and the price goes down to £250 after some pleading from Tom. Kayode points out they started way too late. Tom is angered by this insubordination and carries on bossing Kayode around all day until Kayode gets the arse on and starts ignoring him.

Meanwhile in the trending Shoreditch roof bar Dan decides to Astroturf the top of the bar. For “aesthetics” if not for balancing stupid overpriced drinks easily on.  He then sprinkles woodchip around the bottom of the bar presumably to protect small children who might be playing there.

Jasmine and Sabrina decide to go for the “minimalistic” look as Tom has ordered hardly any plants and things for them to do up the corporate roof garden. Jasmine worries they will struggle to sand down and paint the benches in the time allowed so Sabina makes the decision to just clean them off and paint them as that’s worth a couple of grand of anyone’s money. The client worries it’s just them (“I thought Tom was an experienced landscape gardener”) and Sabrina stalls (“Jasmine is very strong in terms of design”).  They both end up trying to paint yellow stripes on the bench with teeny tiny brushes. There’s more effort displayed when cartoon paint falls onto cats backs to make Pepe Le Pew sexpest them. Jasmine wonders if they can use the pointless shovels provided to “Dig us out of this hole”. The client returns and Jasmine doesn’t exactly sell their work (“we wanted something stylist and sophisticated – I’m not sure we achieved it”). The client is angered at the unsanded benches and says she will “come back to them” about the money.

At the lady shopkeeper’s garden new bessie friends Khadija and Jackie bond in adversity and ineptitude as they can’t find a tap the right size to plug in the jet washer and fail to ask the shopkeeper if there’s another tap or explain choosing to pour water over everything without even brushing it down and then sort of move the mud about. Shop woman is very unhappy when she returns (“you’ve made it worse”, especially when Khadija argues the toss over the tap and tries to get away with a £60 discount (“No I just want you out my shop now” she insists almost tearfully).

Dan’s client thinks the jungle bar looks pretty “but logistically it’s a complete nightmare” pointing out that people need to wipe down bar tops and she’ll have to get back to him over what she’s prepared to pay. He calls the subteam who explain they’ve only just started their second job and it’s 6pm and you see his world collapsing in his face. “What the hell have they been doing?” Sarah Ann complains. “Sweet niblets” Camilla sighs resignedly.

Everyone tries to flog the remaining plants. “It’s dying” points out a woman, “they’re not really dying” insists Jackie. Dan’s ready to throw his subteam under the bus for being a “complete shambles”.

In the boardroom and Khadija has proper power vixened up, so must be spoiling for a fight. Dan’s called out on his astrobullshit. Camilla describes Khadija rather kindly as “passionate” but worries it may have seemed “forceful” (because it was) and Khadija turns on her (“It was you and Jackie doing most of the talking!”), but Karren has already dobbed her in to Lord Sugs for being “aggressive”. Sugar describes her pricing as ridiculous and she justifies this (“It’s a big boat!”).  Jackie apologises for nearly coming to blows, but points out gently, and slightly more diplomatically, that Khadija was an ignorant, shouty twat.

Sian’s worried Tom didn’t charge enough for failing to spruce up the boat. Tom justifies moving to the mobile team as he “wanted to take control”, but Sabrina blames him for leaving her and Jasmine with not enough gear to do the rooftop job. Sugar has a go at Sabrina for not knowing to “rub down” the bench as they’re the corporate skills being his business partner demands. She blames Jasmine.

Anyhow Collaborative’s mobile team made £535 and the Astroturfed bar lady amazingly still gave them £1500 so after costs they made £1342 profit.

Typhoon’s mobile team did better, getting £760, but the rooftop lady only gave them £400 so their overall profit was only £528 (so much for buying cheap stuff Tom!).

Collaborative massively get away with a win and get sent to play Crazy Golf whilst Dan talks about how great he is and Khadija and Jackie shoot each other evils. I hope they get to work together a lot more.

In Café doom Kayode says the failure was with the corporate side, but Tom insists “wherever I was – I got results” (yeah, making £250 and losing nearly a couple of grand with the big client). Sabrina is all “I did EVERYTHING!”

Back in the boardroom Sugar blames Tom for not spending enough money (“Elton John’s got more flowers in his downstairs toilet”) but Tom reckons the girls should have adapted to the situation and magicked a garden out of thin air. Sabrina wants everyone to know how she unwrapped 15 whole boxes of stuff whilst supervising Jasmine. Kayode gets flack for the real crime of making a loss on a deal, although he points out helpfully he still made a quarter, or was that a third, no half of their profits. Maths is not his strong point.

Tom brings back Kayode and Sabrina, with Jasmine surviving for actually winning the tender in the first place (although I think it was sort of guaranteed for them). Sabrina and Kayode are peeved. Claude and Karren chat with Sugar about them with Claude stating (correctly) that Tom’s mistakes lost them the task and Karren wittering on like a notracist nan about Kayode’s “fabulous smile” then adding Sabrina is “incredibly smart” because she’s been following a different show.

Sabrina thinks Tom is to blame as he got the “main corporate decisions” wrong on day one (ooh big words, maybe Karren has a point). Kayode says Tom lost twice and this time it was a task purpose made for him and Kayode will always have his donut sales to fall back on (Sugar “We’re not talking abaht donuts!”). They all have a big squabble (yawn) and whilst Sugar thinks Tom “failed miserably” he (“with regret”) fires Kayode for making that business error with the deal. Poor Kayode looks so miffed and just offers the others a cold handshake as they leave.

In the Taxi of Regrets he looks forward to being with people who love him (“my family and my cat”). How can you have done this Lord Sugar?

Jackie’s delighted (“Just two more boys to get rid of”).

Next time the teams sell art collections. There will be wankiness!

 

 

Should win despite being a Joy Vacuum: Jasmine

Warming to: Daniel, Camilla

Meh: Sian, Sabrina, Sarah Ann

Fighting for the title of Queen Bitch: Khadija, Jackie

Tree Twat: Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob)

 

The candidates are summoned to London City Airport at 5am and everyone’s excited about where they might be going. Ooh from City Airport they might even get all the way to Aberdeen!

Kurran’s gone all mystical chosen one “Lord Sugar looked me in the eye and told me I am the next PM”.

Sugar gathers them on the runway (sadly not to hose them in jet fuel) informing them that the British Airline market is on a high (maybe everyone’s trying to fuck off) so they have to create a brand and advertisement for a new budget airline – including designing a “uniform” and pitch it to industry experts.

There’s some jiggery pokery for no reason whatsoever so Typhoon now comprises Tom, Sabrina, Sian, Sarah, Jasmine and Kayode. Sabrina once went into a travel shop or something so is elected leader and settles on a business target market setting Sian as subteam leader to design the brand and uniform as she designs swimming cozzies, whilst she takes Kayode and Jasmine to work on the advert. Kayode’s keen on including humour and wants to depict a businessman so harassed by plebs next to him on the flight that he can only find peace with his laptop whilst taking a shit. Jasmine is DEFINITELY not keen on toilet humour. She may well be professional and the likely winner but she’s a proper joy vacuum this episode.

Collaborative now comprises Daniel, Khajida, Camilla, Jackie and Kurran their glorious leader. “Everything I’ve done in my life has led to this moment” he drawls, “I suppose you’re all glad here to experience this”. Tumbleweed. He wants to aim at business too but Camilla shouts him down into going “party” (*Marvin Voice in My Head* “Sounds hideous.”) insisting “It was MY decision.. I just took a moment to visualise it”. Whatevah. Naturally Kurran insists on directing the advert whilst Jackie and Camilla are off to do branding and uniform. They’re buzzing with frankly terrifying brand names. Strawpedo? (Sounds like a child molesting scarecrow). Jet-Pop! (Why not call it Cloud Explosion and be done with it?).

Dan suggests making the beach the airline, “You walk onto the plane but it’s a beach with girls there”. I reckon they should just do a speed version of the pilot episode of Lost complete with the propeller bit. Kurran does fuck all apart lean back chewing his pen but somehow persuades everyone to high five him. He’s such a bloody princeling.

So in apparently “Fashionable East London” the branding teams get designing at design studios. Jackie and Camilla go crazy with hideous fabrics because Camilla is so fricking “fashion savvie”. They end up creating day glo “boob tubes” ideal for leaning over people with hot drinks. “Where are your boobs?” asks Camilla, “They’re like here” Jackie points out helpfully. Claude is endearingly worried about “stewardesses” getting chilly.

Sian utterly ignores the archly helpful designer and comes up with some weird Aladdin inspired trouser suit with a peplum (Designer “It looks like a nappy”) and a draped bit of curtain which Karren reckons is totally copied from big airlines. The designer flounces off (“I’m glad I was here to guide you” – subtext – you ignorant bitch).
NOBODY points out that both these uniforms are for women. We are in the 1970s here.”
Jasmine offers her directing skills (“I’ve directed a music video”) but Sabrina says she’ll direct the ad. Jasmine shoots her a dark “On your head be it” look.

Kurren suggests the name Pangaea which nobody understands. He explains it to the subteam (“It’s planet earth before the continents broke down”) and they glaze over before suggesting Strawpedo and Jet-Pop, but he insists they use his name, even if they think it’s crap. He takes the advert team to film in Southend. Talk about exotic! Poor Megan the model not only gets to freeze her tits off in a deckchair whilst Kurran wildly improvises the plot, she also has to pretend to be Dan’s girlfriend and listen to Kurran (“I cant even tell you how beautiful you look its actually making me emotional”). Khadija’s concerned Kurran’s not following the agreed storyboard but he insists he’s not doing it off the cuff. Just making it all up. Khadija deals with her annoyance by screeching over the shots and throwing a wobbly when she’s admonished for this. Kurran controls all the editorial decisions (“I want the logo at the start”, Designer “Doesn’t that usually come at the end”, Kurran “Er yeah I’d like it both at the beginning and end”) and won’t listen to anyone else, doing big “Talk to the hand” gestures. “Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel” he repeats like Alan Patridge refusing to drive a Mini Metro rather than let his subteam colleague have his say. Dan just laughs “OK” (wanker).

Sabrina films (with constant intervention from a stony faced Jasmine) in a mock plane cabin which looks way more comfy than Ryanair. The point of the advert seems to be a comparison between a shite airline full of twats (played by Kayode with an inflatable flamingo) and a relaxing experience on their business focused service). “What comes before Part-B?” nudges Kayode. “Part-AY!”. (Doesn’t it come before Part-F? Oh sorry). Jasmine is not amused and declares it CRING-AY. Kayode looks sad like a puppy that’s been told off for peeing on a rug. Sabrina manages to put the fun back in by choosing Highway to Hell as the theme tune. If it had cut to classical music when the business-friendly alternative was shown this might just have worked. Jasmine looks thoroughly mortified and insists she can turn the advert around if she’s allowed to edit, making a big song and dance over sitting next to Steven the designer so she can pretend Kayode and Sabrina don’t exist (“You can edit from your own chair!”).

Sian’s team come up with the name Manageair (I see what they did) and come up with a weird logo that’s meant to represent a clock (why?) but looks like a Masonic symbol crossed with a doodle of stick figures having sex. Karren does a big yawn. The rest of the team look bored and confused. Tom insists anyone would remember that logo (if it was branded onto their face?). Sarah frumps in in the uniform which Jasmine thinks looks like a high-end Middle Eastern airline.

Jackie and Camilla proudly unveil Jet Pop to Kurran’s profound sadness and Dan’s concern (“The O looks like an explosion”). MrFunnyFarm points out that Kurran’s sulky silence and posture seems to be based on Tony Montana from Scarface. I just think he’s acting the twat. The slutty uniform is modelled by Jackie. Dan’s unconvinced. Kurran (of course) loves it and surprisingly doesn’t suggest in-flight lapdances.

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“I said call it Pangaea you fuckin Cockaroaches…”

So it’s off to conduct Market Research at Heathrow and the Stewardesses (no stewards) are all horrified by Jackie’s adjustable straps (“borderline tacky”), but think the Manageair branding is too dull.

Jackie’s “super keen” to help pitch in an annoying girly “stewardess” voice (arggh!) introducing her “flight crew” (Kurran “I’d prefer if you made me captain”).

Sabrina picks Tom and Sian to co-pitch, putting “professional speaker” Kayode’s nose out of joint (“Can I give suggestions based on my experience”) until she offers him the chance to introduce the pitch and he’s all happy again.

At the Pitch Kayode states there has never been an airline “dedicated to business travellers” (Erm there have been a few aimed at them and you can’t exclude anyone else?) before painting a nightmare scenario of being on a plane, “sitting on a chair” (Until they get phased out) “surrounded by noisy kids” (and racists), before showing off the logo which everyone sniggers at like it’s a naughty Rorschach blob (“You like the logo? I like it too!).

From the wings Sabrina whispers “At least it’s making them laugh” whilst Jasmine looks daggers at her. Sarah stands around looking awkward in her Jason King/MC Hammer/Homebase Curtains ensemble and Tom witters about it being an “affordable efficient, relaxing experience for travel” (aren’t three of those words mutually exclusive when it comes to travel?). BA are not happy with “Highway to Hell” and Sabrina’s talk of “irony” isn’t reaching them. Kayode insists in response to a question on how to guarantee it’s “child free” that the advertising will deter families who “know their children are going to make noise” as though there is any other type of family. He is adorable but talks utter bollocks.

Jackie’s Jet-Pop girl is just embarrassing, especially when she gets the name wrong (“Welcome aboard Pop Jet!”) and describes her boob tube (she looks like Olive Oyl wearing a flannel in the uniform) as “easy to wipe down”.
The oddness continues as Kurran bores on about how “difficult the industry is to penetrate”. After the badly dubbed and shot advert, which makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Metropolis, there’s concerns from BA about the name and explosive logo. Jackie insists it looks more like an “explosion of fun”. That one was also sexual. There’s also worries about encouraging passengers to drink, although Dan says it’s “just enough to relax” (that’s a lot of booze to relax on a budget airline”).

The Industry Experts grass up the teams to Sugar describing Typhoon as dated and Collaborative as bizarre and awful. In the Boardroom Sabrina grasses Jasmine up for having no sense of humour and Sugar confirms the Jasmine edited advert was humour free. Kurran has to explain Pangaea to Lord Sugar, which he does at great length causing eyes to roll and graze. Nobody’s any the wiser. Kurran blames the branding team for not using his great name and Camilla points out they’d struggle if they didn’t know what the fuck it meant.

For once there’s no engineered surprise and Tyhpoon win getting to eat at a Chinese Restaurant because they’re out of treat budget where everyone insists that the win was ALL DOWN TO THEM.

Kurran looks broody as Sugar explains they should have looked at their ideas through “fresh eyes” or even sane eyes.

In the Bridge Café Kurran manages to be a massive twat to everyone. Smart move! “A five year old would come up with a better name” he sneers at Camilla. “You were difficult” he tells Khadija. She insists she’s been the epitome of reserved dignity, warning to camera that she “WILL TELL EVERYBODY HOW IT IS!!” She’s such a delicate flower.
Back in the Boardroom again and Jackie looks like a haunted Katherine Ryan, staying as quiet as possible so Camilla will take the rap for the branding.

Karren does her big pretend right on sisters speech: “Can you image as woman being asked to wear that as a uniform when the main role of stewardesses is ensuring the safety of passengers”. She’s still only saying “Stewardesses” so some fucking feminist she is.

Jackie fibs and says Kurran didn’t insist that they had to use his name suggestion. Khadija goes on a big rant about being told off for “being too enthusiastic” before having an amusing go at Dan for being a diva during his acting stint (“You SAT in a DECKCHAIR!”). Kurran still doesn’t see what’s wrong with the advert. No he can’t be this deluded – he wants his own telly show or newspaper column doesn’t he? (It won’t be in the Mail, sorry mate).

He brings back Camilla and says he’d like to bring in Jackie but she “did well in the pitch” (eh?) so chooses…. Khadija. As Dan and Jackie depart Khadija has a whinge (“She had to be good in the pitch – she created it” ooh saucer of milk).

It all gets a bit surreal with Kurran relaying Sugar’s questions to Camilla and talking as though our favourite Nookie Bear faced peer isn’t over the table from them.
Kurran blames the name, stating he contributed a name. “Oh yeah, I remember. The rubbish one” snaps Camilla. Khadija just whines on about being told off for being “passionate”. Sugar suggests she sounds argumentative. “No I’m not I’m POSITIVE!”. She turns on Kurran “The difference between us is I own a business, you just want to be an actor” (that’ll be it) and Kurran reaches peak twat (“Can I first deal with Khadija then I’ll deal with you Camilla”).

Sugar worries about Khadija being disruptive (“I won’t be!”) but ultimately it has to be Kurran who’s fired (“Thanks for giving me a shot”) and the girls are sent home with marked cards. Kurran doesn’t even hug them with his good arm, he’s all “See you on the flip side baby” before insisting in the Taxi of Fevered Brows that he was robbed and his advert was “GOLD”. True art is never recognised in it’s time eh.

Next week the teams set up urban gardening businesses and promisingly get let loose with chainsaws.

Should win despite being a Joy Vacuum: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode

Warming to: Daniel

Meh: Sian, Sabrina, Camilla

Bit of a Nob: Tom

Potentially Evil: Khadija, Sarah Ann

Cruella De Ville: Jackie

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran

The candidates are summoned to the Adelphi theatre in thatWestEnd, and Kurran (darling!) can already “smell the sweat from backstage” (“Theatre may not be right up my street but it will be on my street or at least on the corner”) and announces he is “100% stepping up”. Unfortunately he’s fallen for yet another tenuous task link, as Lord Sugar connects the fact that the musical Kinky Boots was on at this theatre about a shoe factory saved by elves designing “original shoes” (actually shoes for drag acts but they skirt over that) and demands that they do the same, pitching their products to retail – most orders wins. Immediately Kurran backtracks (“I’ve never bought women’s shoes”) and Jackie is elected to lead Collaborative (Kurran, Sarah-Ann, Jasmine, (p)Rick, Kayode) as she buys quirky shoes.

Tom’s moved to Typhoon with Daniel, Khajida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian, who as a swimwear designer is chosen as PM.  She wants to make high heels, but Dan and Camilla, who join her on the design team argue her down shockingly easily into “fashion trainers”. She wants to make them “Colourful, bold and bright so they’re not like other trainers”. Erm – I’m not a fashion expert but aren’t trainers all in hideous colours? Camilla argues her down yet again into going for pink and grey (as she would buy that – which tells me more about her than the trainer market). She wants a carnival theme with colours reflecting the Brazilian flag and dispatches Sabrina, Tom and Khadija to organise the event, unfortunately failing to inform them of the new boring colour scheme. Dan comes up with the idea of having customisable elements which turns out to be a bloody pink bow that you can er put on or take off the trainer. It’s all a bit My Little Pony.

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Camilla’s most sophisticated pair of FM shoes.

Jackie’s into the idea of an “urban heel” with a graffiti tag and not the Dalmatian puppy skin shoes I was anticipating. Kurran, having backed down from leadership decides to spend the task rubbishing every decision made and starts moaning about how graffiti is so not down with the kids like he is. “Kurran. I love you, but” Jackie says, and you can almost hear the unspoken  “Shut up FFS!” Kurran wants to work on design, but Jackie thinks it’s “key that someone gets it” and sends him to marketing so she doesn’t have to watch him making hacky faces. Jasmine gets to lead the marketing subteam, and gets (p)Rick to work with as well. Joy! Jackie advises her to “BE STRONG!” In the car Kurran insists the concept is flawed “THAT IS ALL”. Kurran has spoken.

They all head off to Clarks, the cutting edge of shoe design. Jackie’s got her heart set on shoes modelled in her own image (painful) and refuses to listen to anyone elses (Kayode “wedges are urban” Jackie “I wouldn’t wear a wedge” etc etc). With minutes left Jackie finally asks what people think and Sarah-Ann admits she wouldn’t buy them. Jackie drops the slutty mesh, changes the colour scheme and makes the inside yellow (cos that’s the main factor in buying a shoe) and as if by magic Sarah-Ann now loves them and not just because they’re running out of time. Oh no.

Jasmine takes her naughty boys to look for urban props. Kurran is distinctly art-agit in his choices (“You could have a lion’s head with a shoe in it’s mouth”) and (p)Rick gets bored and orders everything whilst insulting the retailer (adding “no offence” at the end of saying something offensive really doesn’t help). Jasmine looks horrified. Kurran wants to host the event in a nightclub. (p)Rick wants a boxing gym and starts going on about Zoolander. Jasmine puts her foot down (“Nobody wants to attend a dingy venue”).

It’s branding time and Daniel takes over again, insisting on the name “Nu-Switch” – even suggesting that as a designer shoe it should be named after himself. Because he added a f(p)Ricking pink bow. They all try to think of one word to encapsulate their impossibly dull shoe and accordingly pass this task to the subteam when they call. Sabrina worries that not actually seeing the shoe may hinder them. Sian hopes “they think of a good name” – such leadership.

On Collaborative Kayode gets urban suggesting “pelt” (don’t ask me, I feel about 90) or “fleekies” (sounds like something from a Rab Burns poem that you scrape from under your sporren, Karren thinks it sounds like “cat food”). Jackie suggests the (not) Lady Macbeth inspired name “Out Out” (I think she says “Ow Ow” at first, which sums up my high heel experience).  She breaks the news to the subteam and Kurran is “down with that”. Jasmine confirms she understands the lingo. She doesn’t look happy though. She does come up with a poster tag line “Why go out when you can go out out”. Kurran tries to insist on “New heel on the block” which doesn’t even making fucking sense and Jasmine looks pointedly at her watch “We’re not doing that sorry”. The rest of the team love her poster and Kurran sits around looking peeved. (Kurran “The last thing I want to do is bring negative energy” (really?) “but it’s about what the retailers think”. What a ray of sunshine.

When Sabrina finally gets to look at the design she thinks it “looks like something you give to a 4 year old girl” and worries that the branding may confuse client. They come up with the shoe name “Vibing 1.0” which sounds like a personal massager and the tag line “Nu-Switch: Switch your steps”. What? Sian and Dan aren’t impressed and Camilla points out “with all due respect” (i.e. none) that they were asked to come up with the name as the design team couldn’t. Sian sends Khadija, Sabrina and Tom to make canopies whilst she takes the others to do consumer research. Literally everyone thinks they are child’s shoes. Even the mad lady with pink hair who loves pink wouldn’t buy them.

Jackie’s market research team (including Kurran who’s spared from making canapés due to having one arm) have the opposite problem as only old ladies want to wear the milfy shoes – and they have no idea what a fleeky is (and would probably try to treat it with dettol or fabreze), whereas the youth say “yes we get the attempt at urban branding but YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”

Jasmine is super eager to make appetising canapés, whilst (p)Rick can’t be arsed and left to his own devices would probably splash out on TWO types of crisp. He gets a strop on being asked to wrap ham condoms around breadsticks (to be fair I don’t understand either). “Is there not a machine we can use” he whines. “Yes a machine called (p)Rick” Jasmine sasses.

The trainer is unveiled to dishonest gasps at the beach bar they’ve picked for the launch. “How did the consumer feedback go?” asks Sabrina. “Er pretty good” LIES Sian. Camilla thinks it should be aimed at a “younger market” based on the feedback rather than her own eyes. As the retailers arrive they all agree NOT TO DEVIATE from the agreed price range. It’s a tough crowd, trying to work out why a carnival theme is used to pitch a startrite princess plimsoll.  Sian and Dan immediately DEVIATE from the price range to get sales, whilst poor Tom adheres to it rigidly with a look of pure apology on his big face.

The Urban heel is revealed and Jackie thinks it should be aimed at “women who want to make a statement”, especially if that statement is “old and available”. They still hip hop all the boys up at their launch. Jasmine starts pitching to a bridal shoe company (“Yellow is a wedding colour”) but (p)Rick is irritated that it’s not immediate sale and suggests they “don’t want to waste time” talking to the client, in front of the client (“no offence”). Jasmine is again mortified “Please don’t speak, you’re just offending them” and when he insists they’re not interested says she will have to ask him to leave. “Don’t speak to me like that” snaps (p)Rick, getting the fight he was so eagerly looking for. Eventually he moves away and what do you know, Jasmine sells the shoe. The retailer probably just wanted to stick it to (p)Rick.

Khadija’s having the opposite problem, and offers to lower her price (ha the look on Tom’s face!) whilst still loudly haranguing the poor shoe bloke who’s repeatedly said he isn’t interested. Sabrina tries to pull her aside, but Khadija won’t budge so Sabrina quietly asks “If he’s not interested do you want to keep going?” Khadija turns on her “It’s really rude of you to say that in front of a customer and embarrassing to me” and is full of hard-faced fury to Sabrina for the rest of the episode. Tom despairs to Sian that three customers wanted him to drop the price and she “admits” that she and Dan may have dropped the price “just once” (LIES). Tom’s “really frustrated” (fucking fuming).

Jackie manages to use Jedi mind t(p)Ricks to make a shoe shop chain owner switch his order up from 500 to 2000. Kayode’s mojo is missing however as he fails to answer questions about marketing and waffles on about aiming at “not ONLY the younger demographic but also the older demographic too” before letting the customer walk away from a deal (“No problem I appreciate your concerns”). Shoes are kryptonite to Kayode.

Kurran’s far shitter though and keeps questioning potential customers as though he has no faith in the product (honest I suppose): “Do you think you’d see the shoe in your store?”, “Do you think it will sell?”. Of course he sells nothing and blames Jackie for the shoe.

Board Room time and Kurran’s accused of bottling his shot at being PM.

Sugar does a “hip op” joke from the past before describing the Out Out as “more lobotomy than Leboutin”. As the black man on the team, Kayode seems to have become Sugar’s urban translator, explaining what Hip Hop is and what fleekies means. “It sounds like (p)Rickets” Sugar complains. “I’ve often said you’re on fleek Alan” soothes Claude. Haha.

Jasmine reveals the marketing team wasted time bickering unprofessionally over micro details and both Kurran and (p)Rick act like nobheads in response.

Sian gets stick for over-deferring to Dan and Camilla (“I just realised my idea was more niche” she argues) and not for telling the rest of her team about changing her policy on pricing so they could have got more sales.

Khadija accuses Sabrina of saying “He’s not interested – move on!” in front of the customer. Er that didn’t happen, but Khadija is one of those scary ladies who always looks on the verge of decking someone so Sabrina lets it lie. Later Khadija loudly and blousily and er overbearingly accuses the softly spoken Sabrina of being “overbearing”.

Anyhow the results are in and Collaborative made £61,600 (with about £50k down to Jackie).

Somehow, and yes this show is so often about “surprise” results that they shouldn’t be surprising, but this one is a shocker, Typhoon made £86,603 and are sent to learn Irish dancing.

Jackie pulls a rictus face and looks like she needs to bathe in virgin’s blood. Kayode looks confused. They troop off to the Bridge café where Jackie stands by her concept.

Back in the boardroom – only Jackie and Jasmine made any sales. Kurran again blames the shoe, despite the fact Jackie and Jasmine sold it.

Sugar accuses Sarah-Ann of “hiding in the wings” but she declares she was “instrumental in the creation of the shoe” (not wise seeing as it didn’t sell and we all watched her “contribution”). Kayode says Jackie wasn’t easy to work with (“It was your way or the highway”) and she turns on him.

(p)Rick would have sold but Jasmine took too long in closing her sale. It’s almost as if the room wasn’t full of retailers he could have spoken too instead.

Jasmine thinks Kurran didn’t do much, but Kurran thinks (p)Rick did even less than him.

Jackie decides to bring Kurran and Kayode in. Kayode asks “Why” and the daggers are out (“YOU DIDN’T SELL! YOU WEREN’T INVOLVED IN THE DESIGN”. (p)Rick and Sarah-Ann can count themselves lucky there. But what’s this? In another “amazing” twist Sugar decides he’s “gonna sort this out” and find out who actually did what and they’re ALL brought back in as he’s not happy with Jackie’s choice.

Jasmine gets sent home for actually making a sale. Kayode likewise is safe on past performances.

Everyone justifies their existence. Kurran’s achievement was choosing a “nightclub” for the venue. (p)Rick thinks his gym was a better idea, but isn’t too put out they went for the “disco” ((p)Rick really does live in the 1980s) and proudly announced he got a barrel for £20 that they put the lions head on.

Sugar tells Kurran nobody likes him and he insists Sugar has “the power to make me PM?” Kurran doesn’t do personal responsibility. However Sugar has a bad feeling about (p)Rick and fires him instead telling Kurran he HAS to lead next time, whatever the task.

In the Taxi of Shame, (p)Rick complains that Kurran should have gone but he “threw me under a bus” (kind of the game) before sinisterly announcing that “Lord Sugar will live to regret this”.

Everyone is gobsmacked to see Kurran back and he explains “I alerted Lord Sugar to the fact that (p)Rick did less than me.”

“How is that possible?” splutters Dan, “NOBODY did less than you!”

Next week the teams create a marketing campaign for a new budget airline… nothing can top the masturbating in business class commercial, but I’m hoping for more such filth.

Nostalgia Corner (how RELAXED he looks!): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdAXcfV4QwE

Has to Win: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode

Meh: Daniel, Sian, Sabrina, Camilla, Sarah Ann

Bit of a Nob: Tom, Kurran

Venomous Harridan: Khadija

Cruella De Ville:, Jackie

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick