Archives for the month of: December, 2018

So we’re are down to the final two, Camilla Queen of SEX and avid milker of nuts up against skimpy swimwear Sian. A combination that puts me in mind of the 1970s for some reason.

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And guess which idiot forgot again that it is screened on a Sunday. I managed somehow to avoid the result until tonight, which lets face it at this time of year is far easier than avoiding Wham’s “Last Christmas”.

Camilla even dresses as sexy nut milk as the pair head to Sugar Towers for their final task to launch their new business. They have to brand, create a digital screen and direct a TV advert and pitch the business at City Hall.

It’s school games team as Camilla gets first choice from candidates and plumps for Daniel then Jackie.

Sian bizarrely pity picks Khadija and Kurran. AS HER FIRST TWO CHOICES!

Unbelievably lovely Kayode is in the final two with Sabrina until Camilla patronises him onto her team. Sian is all “come on Sabrina” as though she has any choice. Poor Sabrina.  Sian has a brain explosion and decides to choose Kurran as subteam leader. Everyone but Kurran pulls a WTF face. “Is that a bad choice” Sian worries. Er no it’s yours. She ends up wimping out and selecting Jasmine to lead the subteam with the caveat everyone works together. Yeah that’ll work. Sian instructs them to ensure all models have wet hair so people realise it’s about the model swimming and not about her flashing her flange.

Camilla is told she needs to convince Sugar that nutmilk is scalable. She decides to focus on a unique selling point of “Grab and go”. Kayode’s a vegan and says he’s happy to grab it, run with it and get wrongly arrested for it.

Sian says she needs to set her swimwear apart in a saturated market. She’s aiming at people who like “pool parties” (Oh come on! The only POOL PARTY I know of is in “The Bitch” (or is it the stud). Are people doing this now too? I feel old and disgusted. She also decides that she can reverse her posh cosies to differentiate herself. Khadija gamely tries to help with name ideas “Swim reverse it”?”bikini hut”?

Unfortunately Daniel is stuck in Santa Seduction Mode as his Nut Milk Names (despite Camilla explicitly (or inexplicitly( stating she has to tone down her slutty ideas) escalate towards “Love Nuts”, “Grab My Nuts” etc.

Camilla decides on “Milk it” Which she says “Sounds like a big brand”. I’m thinking not for a non-dairy product. Despite her being told not to be too sexy she’s trying to explain to her subteam they can be cheeky… but not TOO cheeky. Everyone looks confused. Tom especially as he’s not sure what sexy means.

So the chosen few are off to build brands whilst the rest piss about on the digital billboard. Kurran bitches to Jasmine that “It’s good to be back even if you highjacked my subteam leader role”. Jasmine wisely suggests they’re doing it all for Sian but all task Kurran gloriously fails to get this. I love how much Khadija tries to help. “Luxury Swim? OK you don’t like the word luxury?”, “Swim Style?” “No” “OK you don’t like the word ‘Style’”.

Meanwhile Camilla’s goons are desperately trying to think of ways to sex up “nut milk” (really they are!). Jackie starts subtle (“What about someone with milk dripping down their face?”). Fortunately Kayode is there as a moral core. Doesn’t stop Jackie waffling on about a cow “lathering their teats”(um it is NON Dairy).  Kayode helps come up with the popular idea of someone reaching into a pile of nuts and pulling out some milk,

Somehow Sian seems to have travelled back to the 1970s so Sabrina and Jasmine actually have to try on her swimwear (whilst Kurran waits slightly creepily outside, reacting occasionally as “Can you undo me?” and “I think this ones way too skimpy!” It turns out Jasmine is still somehow bossing it and she likes Sabrina’s hair so refuses to wet it a la Sian’s instructions. Also Sian’s swimwear is so skimpy that Sabrina needs to cover her bottom half with a towel. Promising if you have pool parties for women who have no shame or imperfections about their lower half. So not good then.

Camilla has come up with MLKIT as a name. Daniel however imposes himself on every discussion on branding going.

Sian comes up with “SYO (Style your own) Swim and adds “The Hand of Fatima” to the branding design as it’s a symbol of “female empowerment” she clearly expects us all to know what she’s talking about. Khadija looks confused. Does she mean this?

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Jasmine films Sabrina for the  billboard advert as Kurran tuts about how little they know. At one point she requests Sabrina puts her glasses on and Kurran worries all attention will be on the glasses. Jasmine also decides that Sabrina’s hair looks too good to get wet. Kurran thinks her finished commercial looks “tacky “ and  Jasmine will have to answer to Sian about it as it’s “her rodeo”. Bless him he thinks this all matters. Sian phones her team and explains she is using “The Hand of Fatima”. Everybody looks confused. She is sad that Sabrina’s hair wasn’t wet no matter how “dramatic” Jasmine thought it looked.

For Camilla’s billboard all Tom has to do is wink. Unfortunately Jackie realises too late how weird Tom looks trying to be human. Poor overlooked natural smile machine Kayode pipes up that he would like a try and nails it in one take, Bosh!

Camilla is happy with Tom acting out her cheeky winky role until Daniel points out he’s seen Tom wink before and “he looks a bit creepy”.

Jasmine and Sabrina overrule all of Kurran’s objections (and Camilla’s specifications) adding a wibbly wobbly watery background (Kurran “It should be plain!”) and pink font (Kurran “Arggh!”) to produce a rubbish, hard to see billboard ad.

Camilla’s team brainstorm on taglines for the brandname MLK IT provides. They are mainly filthy and pointless (“Wipe your nuts”) . Fortunately Camilla comes to the rescue by choosing Kayode’s take and getting rid of nut wiping references. “It’s too cheeky” she sighs. “Bear it in mind with the advert”.  She still goes with Dan’s idea of Tom in a boxing ring “beating up on nuts” with Kayode interrupting him to say “why not just milk it?” before Jackie takes a selfie with him. There’s at least 3 innuendos in there Camilla! The rest of the team look rightfully bemused at this idea but Tom says it doesn’t need to make sense? (Jackie: “er it does – you’re selling a product!”).

Sian is even more appalled by the digital screen poster as the background isn’t plain and Sabrina’s hair is dry (but “dramatic” as Jasmine points out”). She’s “fuming” to camera (“That looks absolutely shite”). As punishment she makes Kurran director of the video ad (on a “yacht” in London where women “flip” their swimwear to indicate they’re in a party mood. Which sounds like a fantasy sequence from a 1970s British film) and insists that Jasmine and Sabrina wear bikinis. Ouch! Kurran is all “BOOYAH!” (“Yesterday I was playing the supervisor” – he wasn’t – “Today I AM THE CAPTAIN!”).  He proceeds to go all Kubrick on everyone’s (barely concealed) arses, taking in lots of random yacht shots whilst Jasmine and Sabrina frown, complain and shiver in their cozzies. Jasmine worries he’s wasting time and Kurran addresses the cameraman instead – “Don’t worry about them – listen to me”. Oh you charmer! Whilst worrying the advert is fucked Jasmine is still capable of hissing “keep it sexy!” at her fellow models whilst the “party” scene is filmed. Good old JasSexBot3000 software. Kurran becomes even more loveable during the editing process (“This is the DADDY SHOT!”)  whilst Jasmine switches to frownbot 2.5 vid (“Er is that it?”).  Sian, however is proper impressed (“Kurran you did a sick job!” – I think that’s meant to be good), and before long our Kurran is comparing himself to Tarantino and Scorcese (“They’ll tell you – if you have a vision go ahead with it – and that’s what I did”).  Oh yeah he’s not missing out on his chance at continued reality TV fame virtue of being that deluded nobber from The Apprentice.

Tom directs the MLK IT ad as he appears to be the only person on the subteam or in the world who understands it. Jackie again doesn’t understand why she’s sharing a selfy. He explains patiently that “It’s a new taste experience and you want to share it with your friends”. I think Tom might be a bot too. Jackie delivers her line in a duly Stepford non-human way (“Do you mind if I share it on social media?”). Ugh! Tom’s masterpiece arrives at the editing suite where Kayode is devastated when they realise that rather than 30 seconds, this director’s cut clocks in at a mighty 1 minute 11 seconds. They slash away every which way but meaningful, with Tom insisting on cutting Jackie actually DRINKING the DRINK (which is the product) whilst saving a shot of him falling over as it mighty funny.  Camilla pretends to love it. Or maybe she is mad.

It’s proper creative time!

Camilla discusses her product with nut experts in her kitchen, whilst creating a new flavour (chocolate orange cashew – part of me really hopes she uses milk chocolate). The main issue the wise women of nuts foresee for her is expense as her USP of 15% “cannibalises margins”.

Sian draws some flowers and uses theTechnology to create a “unique print” (it looks a bit like soft focus flowery William Morris Wallpaper) with a reversible turquoise back whilst Khadija looks on in “WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT” wonderment. Yeah it’s all impressive but could Sian get the smell of wee out of a toilet carpet in two hours? I think not!

Whilst Sian and Camilla take their prototypes and prepare for the pitch with their fawning assistants Khadija and Jackie, the rest of the teams go for public feedback.

Sabrina, Kurran and Jasmine discover that they’re not alone in not knowing what the HAND OF FATIMA is. Some people think the logo looks “religious” (i.e. scary) and they think the imagery of the screen looks “Barbie doll and trashy” (Kurran looks smug). They let Sian know (well Jasmine lies and tells her everyone thought her swimwear “stood out”).

Kayode, Tom and Dan discover that everyone loves how the nutmilk tastes but the packaging is too reminiscent of cows which would upset theVegans (and Christ knows they have (not) enough on their plate).  Kayode says it’s important to be honest and they feedback to Camilla who quite frankly couldn’t be arsed.

So we’re at City Hall with Sian for the “biggest moment” of her life so far as she’s “super excited” to introduce SYO Swim aimed at “females aged 18-30 who have pool parties”. I HAVE NEVER KNOWN ANYONE LIKE THIS.  She promises custom sizing at an extra price and brings on a single model draped randomly in knotted bits of her new designed fabric by way of launching her “new collection”. She bigs up the TV Ad whilst subtly ignoring the digital board poster and stresses that she also has “non skimpy styles”. The miniscule amount of fabric she uses does not convince me.  She’s questioned on whether the advert really showed off the reversibility and she promises she will make it more noticeable in future ads. A formidable lady swimwear designer asks what sets her aside given 2000 swimwear designers launch each year. Sian’s response is quite ballsy “My brand is here – they’re not” and I think she may have just won herself a scary mentor. The experts all feed back to Sugar and they’re impressed but worry if she’s unique enough.

Camilla’s next with her tragic Dairy intolerance story set on a dairy form. Her pitch is very bitty (she seems terrified bless her) but the audience happily get stuck into tasting the product. She insists on promoting the 15% nuts as a USP. Everyone loves Kayode in the digital billboard ad, but the TV advert (love how she warns them to “prepare yourselves”) comes across as David Lynch on acid. She makes the cardinal mistake of falling apart on her numbers (“as it er economises it er um can definitely increase).  She’s quizzed on price and whether there is a broad enough consumer base – as well as on the cow print packaging (“It says dairy free on the front – I understand a risk”). The experts tell Sugar whilst it’s a good area to move into they worry how much he’ll have to keep investing into it.

So it’s boardroom time and Sugar immediately picks up on Sian almost selecting Kurran as subteam leader (“everybody said WHAT?”). It turns out to nobody’s surprise that Sugar hasn’t a fucking clue about the hand of Fatima either.

Kurran is adamant he “directed the pants off” the advert and Sian insanely says she liked it because it was SUBTLE. Everyone agrees that Sian is dead talented at drawing flowers.

Camilla’s turn and Sugar lets rip a zinger that he’s “surprised Jackie didn’t want to be PM”. “I thought I’d let Tom do it for the 4th time” she reposts speedily. I like Jackie (robbed I tell you). Kayode’s facial emoting skills are praised (“You’re like an emoji”) but the TV ad is slammed for being a mish mash.

The losers are sent back to oblivion whilst the finalists argue their cases. Camilla starts going on about being “sassy” (yuk) and defends her nut content. Sugar asks if she knows what margin supermarkets make and again she’s flaky with the figures (“40%”, Sugar “Oh NoNoNoNoNo!”).

Sian waffles on about her strips of coloured fabric being “affordable luxury” (Please! A bottle of Baileys is more affordable luxury to me). She does however have lots of spreadsheets. What’s not to love? She only sold 450 cozzies last year though and Sugar’s not sure she could scale the production up. “EASY!” she declares.

So it’s time for a last minute chat with Karren and Claude. Sugar thinks he has the best two candidates (really?). Claude bigs up Sian’s design skills whilst Karren calls her “naïve” and they switch to discuss Camilla (Claude “she doesn’t know her numbers”, Karren “universally her product was liked”).

Back in and Sian takes a timely moment to point out she has too much marketing spend in her business plan. She also slams Sian’s product for being “easily ripped off” (ooh!) and it descends into a mini Bitch fight (Camilla “You only sold 400 in 3 years”, Sian “I have stylists approach me for products” ).

Sugar does the usual faux dithering over a decision he’s made months ago and hires Sian. I’m a bit WTF (it seems a bit creative for him and not a niche product) but Camilla did let herself down.

Sian gets to ride off in the BIG CAR OF ECSTACY (“my possibilities are endless” – er as long as they involve wrapping boobies and mimsies in brightly coloured micro-bandages they are).

I’m off to buy a load of Hands of Fatima to flog down the market as they clearly bloody work given that result. Tara and happy Christmas!

Winner: Sian (I think I had her down as a potential winner one week but I thought she was rubbish after that)

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie, Sarah Ann, Sabrina, Khadija, Daniel, Camilla Queen of SEX

 

 

 

 

Finally the candidates are given a day to whip their business plans into shape, as though they haven’t written them. It’s a happy day for Camilla sticking nuts into a blender (“Oh it feels so good to have nuts back in my life!”). She insists there’s “nothing like it on the shelves” – apart from all that nut milk.

Getting into the spirit of physically embodying the business plan, Sian wriggles around a shocking pink skinny swim suit that you’d need to get a Chilean wax to wear (long and thin). She insists she’s “just a girl from Leeds” (that famed jewel of the maritime).

Daniel, perhaps unsurprisingly claims to have created a soluble hangover cure. I foresee problems with the word “cure”.  My bets pre-show for most Business Plan bullshit were Dan and Sian by the way.

Sabrina looks like she’s just chilling outside playing swingball, but apparently her business plan is to do with tennis events and this is the best the producer could come up with.

Khadija draws the short straw, demonstrating her business by cleaning the house and saving the Beeb a few bob (“Pink for Sink!”). “I might come across in the wrong way.. but since then I’ve not been aggressive.. I say what I think!” she says aggressively.

Next day they pretend to wake up at 6am and Camilla pretends to sleep with a teddy bear. It probably vibrates.

At the Leadenhall Building, Sugar greets his candidates and reveals he’s invested £2m in the last 8 winners – possibly more if he paid any to sign Non-Disclosures and gets them to hand in their scrawled dreams/business plans to Claude and Karren.

First interviewer is media mogul Mike Souter. He’s up against Sian who lists key magazine contacts. Unfortunately Mike publishes one of the named magazines and the two people she listed don’t work there anymore. Nice research Sian.

Another media megaboss Claudine Collins interviews Daniel next, forcing him to read a Joey Essex-esque extract from his business plan aloud – it’s all about getting drinks and sparklers and girls and being awesome. I’m wincing too much to spot if he looks sheepish. “You sound like a prize imbecile” Claudine summarises.

Next Camilla is interviewed by regular rottweiler Claude Littner. “Yoo hoo!” she exclaims on the way in. Claude pulls a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle “Yoo hoo?” Camilla looks embarrassed “Sorry!”. Good start!

Claude has an issue with Camilla’s brand names such as “naughty love juice”. “Your ideas are all based around sex” he claims. Camilla does a shocked sex face in response. Camilla shows Claude round her sprawling business plan. It has lots of pictures in but unfortunately she can’t account for £20k of her takings. “Let’s face it” Claude deadpans. “One of us left out 20k and it’s not me”.

The final interviewer is Lynda Plant (not that one) and she asks Khadija what she thinks the average net profit is for cleaning businesses. Khadiha reckons 12% , Lynda reveals it’s 5% yet Khadija’s Business Plan claims it will be 30%. Whoops! Khadija’s also claimed that she can move from her impressive (from £20 in 3 years) current turnover of £72K to over a million. Lynda’s not sure it’s realistic. “MAYBE THAT’S SLIGHTLY AMBITIOUS” Khadija responds. It’s a good thing she hasn’t got aggressive. She’s also budgeted for a London office. “Why?” laughs Lynda, “You haven’t conquered Peterborough yet?” Khadija shouts back at her and Lynda is all talk to the palm “I’ve heard it all before thank you”.

Khadija shimmies back to the Waiting Room of Tears Before Bedtime. “Me and Lynda have had a whale of a time” she announces blythly. “That’s what I aspire to be like one day”. I honestly think they should both feature on a Daytime TV show solving crimes and going on adventures together with there always being a will-they-won’t-they-lez-up frisson? I’d watch it anyhow.

Camilla armed with this knowledge goes to see Lynda next – whispering “She’s just a woman” in the lift up like it’s Ripley’s “Lucky Lucky Lucky” mantra from Alien. Lynda is also evil to her – but she has a point. Camilla’s only been running her business for 3 months and only within 20 miles of Blackburn. And she’s only sold just over a grand’s worth of nut milk ( that’s a lot of nuts though). She wants to get tetra-packed and has a quote on 90k units. Lynda isn’t convinced she can make that many but Camilla does have a kitchen at home. Camilla fires back that it’s a huge market and she has “expertise” but Lynda’s there with the burn “That’s like me saying I am a caterer if I made a stew in the kitchen – you are a long way from the supermarket”.

Khadija goes to see Claude, accompanied by spooky music. “Do you think you’re difficult to work with?”. She denied this (“They all seem to like me”) and Claude points out he was there and saw it all ha! By way of example he asks if she was rude to tell Sabrina to “shut up” which she denies claiming instead she “eradicated that input” (shudder). He describes her business as “domestic cleaning” which riles her up (“ It’s NOT just domestic cleaning – there’s a building here I could clean!”, Claude “No you couldn’t”). Khadija insists she knows what’s she’s talking about after 3 whole years in the cleaning business and Claude’s got his head in his hands “Oh please no no Khadija no no!”

She flounces back to the Waiting Room of Perspiration. “How was it?” they ask. “Intense” she retorts. “Oh no” exclaims Camilla. “I was counting on Claude being nicest”. Have any of these people ever watched the show.

Mike pulls Daniel up on his product’s claims to provide “hangover relief with rehydration salts and lost vitamins” and the fact there are two different brand names – overseas it’s called “hangover cure”, here it’s “revival shots”.

Dan claims the laws in the UK are “draconian” in fact much more draconian than those fluffy liberals in the UAE (!) as he can’t make spurious medical claims in the UK. Fancy! Mike asks how many he’s sold and Dan replies 47k. In that case, Mike wonders why the product page on Amazon claims that over 1 million have been sold globally. Daniel gets transparently cagey, wondering how that could have got there. “I’d rather you didn’t lie” Mike suggests. “Er its highly likely I wrote that” Dan chances. “Maybe 90%”. “Would you say 100% ?“ Mike suggests “You wrote it”. “Yeah” says Daniel. He doesn’t even look ashamed. Mike is “disappointed” (really?).

Dan swaggers back to the Waiting Room of Fear with not a hint of guilt ( “”Yeah it was easy!”). I know he’s a bullshitter but he’s very likeable.

Claudine quizzes Sian about suggesting her swimwear is affordable for students. “Not at £50” she insists. Sian says she’d buy it as a student – making the worse case for alleviating student debt ever.

Claude points out to Sabrina that no matter how great her “mini tennis events” are (and if we want to win Wimbledon more I’d give them a go) that she’s reliant on other peoples courts meaning she has to cancel events. I feel for her as an event organiser.

Claudine holds a picture up to Camilla “What does this say to you?” It’s a picture of a hungry female mouth drenched in nut milk. It’s fucking filthy to be frank. Claudine thinks no supermarket would go within miles of it (Anne Summers however).

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Mike points out Khadijas has ten billion logos for her business and it turns out this is what she does at night on her mobile. She’s mad, and as Mike points out it renders her trademark worthless.

Dan meets Lynda and gets confused as to whether he’s launched in 3 countries or 3 continents. “Whereabouts in Asia?” she asks. “Erm is Australia in Asia?” retorts Dan.

Claudine asks Camilla about her zero costs for staff and Camilla admits she’d like to employ her out of work family members, which is really nice but surely it’s nepotism and you can’t do that. Oh Claudine’s just said that.

In the Waiting Room of Confidence Collapse Sian wonders “Maybe he’s gonna fire us all this year” – and let’s face it that would be a great last show ever.

Sian’s business plan insists she has passion and fire, but Claude states he hasn’t seen it (“I don’t know you after 11 weeks. You’re like vacant”). That is the meanest thing to say isn’t it? It turns out part of Sian’s plan is to spend the whole prize money on celebrity marketing (like she has enough – she couldn’t even afford Harry Redknapp to model a swimsuit now). Claude worries that could blow LordAlan’s prize money, but Sian “believes in it”. “That’s what’s so sad” sighs Claude.

Mike Souter manages to inveigle Sabrina into answering yes or no questions rather than talking about her plan – she tries to explain on return to the Waiting Room of WTF but they all laugh her (clearly she’s a bit wordy in real life – how dare she!?)).

Claude gets to meet Daniel “So it’s the final 5 – are you surprised you made it?” “Absolutely not!” retorts Dan. “I am” says Claude, who points out Dan has missed a lot of competitors from his plan. “A few may have been omitted” Dan admits. Claude concludes that Dan is “SO BLOODY UNTRUSTWORTHY” but he does make it sound sexy. Dan tries to be a grown up and says with Sugar’s money he’d get a packaging machine to take the cost per unit down and then look into global expansion.”That’s the type of serious business man we really want to see” Claude deadpans. The pisstaking swine!

Lynda is mean to Sian by pointing out that her swimwear is basically designed to fit bums fannies and boobs so like anything else. Why beaks hunchbacks and vestigial tails are not catered for is beyond me. To be fair she has a point – as it’s hard to tell the difference between Sian’s stuff and anything else from the highstreet. Maybe its shark repellent? Lynda is again worried about scalability (“You produced less than 400 garments then want to go to 17k in the first year?”). Sian claims to know manufacturers, but Lynda is unimpressed. However she makes it all worse by being nice. “I was once told you can’t build a brand in Leeds – well I did it and you can… er stop crying and just be realistic”.

Claudine meets Khadija and says she’s been told she’s aggressive. Khadija tears up as she’s just hungry to do well for her kids. Claudine advises her well “”You’ve got a law degree, you have a huge amount to be proud of. You have to channel that passion and not be aggressive – it will be your downfall”.

By now it’s become the Waiting Room of tears and false hugs. Daniel just raises his eyebrows at all the emo women “I’m feeling fresh – you look like you’re defeated”. Nobody is impressed.

Claudine accuses Dan of profiteering on heavy drinkers. He claims it’s about moderation which makes the “cures hangovers” part of his marketing a bit bollocks says Claudine. “I make no such claim” insists Dan. Oh Dan. She reads “I have designed a product that cures hangovers”. “That’s possibly worded badly” he tries. She tries to find something about Daniel beyond the bollocks. He says he gives clothes to the homeless and reveals he’s very Dad driven (imagine!). “My Dad said it’s not about what you can do for yourself – it’s what you can do for the world” Daniel reveals. I don’t think his dad was talking about fake hangover cures. Claudine asks him lots of questions about his need for Dad’s approval and he’s on the edge of tears which make his return to the Waiting Room of tears more amusing (“It was emotional”). He realises the danger and gets all cocky again – but we know.

So LordSugar gets his henchies to grass up the candidates and the main concensus is Dan’s a blagger, Sian’s too expensive and can’t “upscale”, Khadija is shouty (Lynda “Don’t worry I shouted back at her” – aww). Camilla is too sexy but her market is the fastest growing one (hmmm!). Sugar thinks Sabrina talks too much but Karren likes her.

Anyhow the candidates are back in. Whilst the name “Hangover Killers” was banned in UK under what Dan calls “draconian laws”  – Sugar’s keen to point out the positives of advertising standards) At this point almost everything he says will make
him look dodgy. And it does.

 

Sabrina gets stick from Karren for having no assets (Oh come on love! Only Camilla’s got a kitchen!) Despite Sabrina mentioning lots of scalable uses, Sabrina is fired which makes me wonder if she was only kept in to confuse me or fuck off anyone who bullied her who was fired earlier.

Camilla insists she wants to change the “sex” thing she’s being hit with. “I don’t think any of your visuals have done that!” nips in Karren always the first to hit a sister when she’s down.

Dan’s insisting his product USP is “rehydration” and not “endorsing a drinking culture” as Sugar worries. He doesn’t worry that much as Sugar keeps him for now for having shown “business acumen”.

Whilst Khadija has  impressed everyone with building a shouty cleaner business from only £20 – she’s regretfully fired as Sugar wants his nuts milked.

Sian gets the arse on as her dad “didn’t build me a kitchen” and it’s almost same class war (as usual) as Camilla’s all “My DAD BUILT ME NOTHING!”

We used to DREAM of a kitchen!

Camilla is pretty smart suggesting to Lord Sugs her product is in the early infancy of product and she can mould it to market together with him. He does a big “Hmmmm”

And sacks Dan.

So it’s a Sian vs Camilla Northern Girl nut crusher of a final. My money’s on Camilla. She’s got the most interesting product. And it’s Sugar here – how many blondes has he let win so far?

We get Dan’s taxi of doom (unfair on the women but hey?) – “I’m gutted” he says, blaming Sugar’s decision making “He’s probably going to wake up with a hangover tomorrow as aconsequence but best of luck to the girls”,

Should win:, Camilla Queen of SEX

Should not win:, Sian

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie, Sarah Ann, Sabrina, Khadija, Daniel

 

 

 

 

All the candidates are pretending to be asleep – whilst the Nightmare before Christmas music plays (maybe because Camilla is in bed in a pink unicorn onesie). But wait! A grizzled figure stalks to the front door. It’s Lord Sugar who’s come to announce that the house has been decked out with Christmas tut even though it’s fucking June or something as their task is to brand, design packaging for and create three flavours of chocolates to pitch to two major retailers – with the most orders winning.

In YET ANOTHER a pointless exercise in “balancing” the teams Camilla goes over to Typhoon with Dan and Sarah-Ann whilst Sabrina and Sian join Khadija on Collaborative. Why not just move one person across in the first place

Whilst the teams settle down with the eminently civilised brekkie of choccies, they select Project managers.

Dan wants to lead Typhoon although he doesn’t know much about chocolate, but Camilla’s chocolate enthusiasm and nut milk expertise wins Sarah-Ann’s vote so Camilla leads and Dan pretends not to be pissed off. Camilla wants a “cheeky” brand that can be used for secret Santa presents and they all back her. She manages to persuade Sarah Ann to go in the kitchen (“I trust you with flavours”) and nobody argues despite the fact she’s gone on at length about making her nut milks in a..erm.. kitchen.

Sabrina wants to lead Collaborative but nobody else wants her to. Sian suggests they do it all “collectively” and just “say Sabrina is the PM” – so they can chuck her under the bus at the first opportunity and Khadija agrees eagerly. They then proceed to stare sulkily at Sabrina like she’s farted every time she makes a suggestion. Sabrina completely patronises Khadija (“You’ve shown you excel in the kitchen”), but does sort of bond with Sian on ideas (Sian’s all about “memories” and would like a space on the box to personalise it with a picture or memento).

Why nobody comes up with kids chocolates filled with stuff like jelly and space dust is beyond me.

It’s off to Harlow Chocolate Factory where the team chefs have been assigned personal Umpah lumpah helpers. Khadija gets Bella Emburg who patiently and silently watches Khadija stuff her face with every possible flavour and listens to her waffling on about how great she is whilst mainly resisting the urge to do Gromit eyes. “Ooh coconut’s too exotic for me – and lemons just don’t say Christmas to me!” Khadija declares. She’s been given a luxury theme so naturally wants to put a pie inside a chocolate. OK a mince pie – but still! She plonks chestnuts and raspberries in her second chocolate and erm chocolate nib and cranberries in the third and declares herself “happy with my choices. They’re festive and classy. I mean what’s more classy than a chestnut?” Indeed.

Sarah Ann decides to sample all the booze flavours whilst getting steadily more pissed. Her Umpah lumpah bloke decides to break protocol to warn her to only have one drop of booze at a time “as it is concentrated”. She almost stops glugging from the bottle to listen to him. “Two I think” she suggests, weaving on the spot.

Camilla and Dan brainstorm their “naughty but nice” cheeky chocolates. She insists it must be “sexy and sizzling as sex sells” while Karren winces in the background. It’s like an X-rated “I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue”. Camilla:“Naughties?” Dan: “Mistle Tease”  “X-mas Treats” “Santa’s Seduction”. Camilla: “Santa’s Choco Seduction!” Both: “That’s it!”

Sabrina wants a name that plays on the memory theme but wants to get chocolate in the name so Sian suggests Renoir as “it combines reminiscent with memoirs and it’s French for something..” (impressionist artist perhaps?). Khadija phones with her flavours and Sabrina says well done. Khadija hangs up and looks at silent Bella Emburg (“That sounded positive”). Bella smiles mutely and enigmatically.  Meanwhile Sabrina worries Khadija’s choices are too safe to be luxury (maybe put some broken glass in them? Or a Spring Surprise?). They come up with what looks like a Christmas card box featuring a dull but fairly tasteful blue tree. Sian thinks there’s “too much tree” and moves it over. She wants to pick a handwritten font for the name, but they’re running out of time. Sabrina suggests picking the first scripted looking one they see but Sian wants to scroll through ALL THE FONTS. Finally Sabrina makes her see reason and she sulkily agrees to go for the first one – bitching that “it doesn’t look premium to me AND I DO BRANDING I DO!”

Dan and Camilla work on packaging – coming up with a tiny red box that would put Norman Lamont to shame adorned with a “cheeky” “sexy” blue haired elf in a santa dress. FFS! “Red is not only Christmassy but it’s sexy” says Dan. Deep. Sarah-Ann drunk dials them “HELLO THERE! I feel a bit tipsy!” “Goodness you need breathalysing” gasps Camilla. Sarah-Ann’s flavours are mulled wine, rum and dates, apple and popping candy. “I love them all” she slurs.

In kitchen the chocolatiers have to sort weights for their recipes. Khadija’s all over this as Bella looks on beatifically. Claude even gets force fed a taste of “Christmas on a spoon” (“It doesn’t smack of luxury” he confides once she’s out of earshot).

Next door Sarah Ann tries to stop the room spinning so she can write her recipe. There’s just one snag. “You made your chocolates without weighing your ingredients” Karren snipes (details!). Poor Sarah-Ann can just about manage a gormless smile in response and starts guessing the weights. Oops! Even Bella fucks off at this point. You’re on your own here love.

Bizarre filler time as Sabrina and Sian go to a Victorian acting school where Jack the Ripper and a crone teach them how to emote. Across town it’s even weirder as Dan and Camilla go to Santa School where a terrifying bald man in a dicky bow drills them in the ways of the elf. They learn the dance (“Step! Cross! Step! Clap!!”) and the poses (“GIVE ME A POSE NOW!”). And finally Santa judges them. This is how Hell will look in my dreams from now on.

santaschool.jpg

More like Satan School if you ask me!

Next day the chocolates are unveiled. Renoir Chocolat to faint boredom. Santa’s Choco Seduction to more appropriate shock and confusion (Sarah-Ann “It certainly screams out sex sells”) when it transpires that there’s only room for one chocolate in each box yet all three flavours are listed. Dan’s solution is to pen a tick next to whatever flavour it contains. Classy! It turns out it doesn’t matter as all the chocolates taste the same – of nothing (Sarah-Ann having done the classic pissed thing of underestimating for fear of fucking up). Cam and Dan head off to buy “cheeky” (shit) props including elf gear and an “I’ve been naughty I’ve been nice” jumper.

Khadija’s chocolates actually look nice, but Sabrina does that speaking her mind thing again and declares them “safe and traditional whereas she wanted one to be quirky”. Khadija looks punchy and Sian rescues the day by saying quickly “I think it works for a luxury brand”. “Thank you” breathes Khadija meaningfully. Sian and Sabrina head off to choose “luxury” props for their pitch. Like erm a luxury giant Santa.

Poor hungover Sarah-Ann heads off to do consumer research whilst frantically ticking boxes in the car. I do like her choice of a large bright red hat that reads “Help!”. Nobody can taste the chocolates and they all think the boxes are a bit Anne Summers. She returns to Dan and Camilla and declares that she got 100% positive feedback (eh?) and it “didn’t really matter that they weren’t getting the flavours through”. Oh ok.

Khadija attacks people on the street demanding at first that they slag off the packaging then aggressively making them taste the chocolates. I love her face when someone says the flavours don’t stand out. She “reveals” that she wants to blame Sian and Sabrina for their packaging if they lose.

Armed with the positive consumer feedback Daniel and Camilla dance in front of the panel from the Co-Op to general tumbleweed. “Can I invite you to have a cheeky dance with us?” flails Camilla as Karren shakes her head sadly. “Or take a quick elfy?”. Righteous silence ensures. Daniel pitches that they’ve gone for a seductive adult spin and you can see the panic on the Co-Op team’s faces who worry the design is too sexualised when “Christmas is about children” (boring!). Camilla sounds a bit Stringfellow declaring that “Something is missing in the adult market” but she’s hit by a whammy from the co-op lady who says the packaging is “sexist” (the team miss a trick and fail to declare it gender fluid). “We could work with you on flavours” Camilla blurts but they are given short shrift. “That could have been better” Dan understates slightly. Finally Sarah-Ann shares the feedback about the theme seeming too adult and Camilla decides to use the term “cheeky” rather than “seduction” for the next pitch.

Khadija and Sian faff about sticking up the Santa prop whilst the panel from  Moonpig point and laugh. Khadija isn’t shy about plugging her “hand made artisan” chocolates and everyone likes the flavours but they think the packaging is a bit crap. Sian suggests it would have a red bow (hang on – where did that come from?). Sabrina stays on message talking about the space for pictures and now Moonpig woman is well befuddled so Sian decides to spin some mindjizz about launching a massive pop up campaign around the UK and putting money into marketing. “How much” challenge unconvinced team Moonpig and Sian plucks the figure of £50 to £100k out of her arse. “Where did that come from?” Khadija challenges post pitch and Sian’s all “Dunno!”. Sabrina advises that if it happens again just say the amount depends on number of orders.

Moonpig are rather more receptive to Typhoon and even overcome their fear of Dan reindeer crotch bumping at them to join in with the dance looking slightly more in synch than the candidates. Dan says “cheeky” every few words and Camilla promises that the method of identifying contents will be made more professional than a hastily drawn on tick. It’s the bloke from Moonpig who worries that the idea of Santa seducing anyone is a bit creepy (yeah mate I’ve heard a song about him kissing YOUR MUM!) but ultimately Moonpig think the concept is fun and quirky

If anyone’s going to like dull and traditional Renoir Chocolat it’s the good old Co-op and not even Sian and Sabrina’s shit acting skillz can put them off. They are impressed by chestnut in a chocolate and Khadija looks smug. Oh Sian’s at it again promising media and people in every store. “We have 2500 stores” points out the Co-Op lady and Sabrina rescues things by suggesting that if the Co-Op placed a big enough order they could offer “support” with the marketing campaign. Phew! Post pitch Sian is in denial about promising the Co-Op everything but her first born, but we all saw it.

In the boardroom Lord Sugar’s joke writers have gone on strike (“If I was a chocolate I’d be a rich one with a hard centre”. No LordAlan you’d be a Walnut Whip).

Santa’s Choco Seduction gets the fourth degree first and I do like the fact that they ran out of decent names by chocolate three and just called it the “Ultimate baddy”  – way to accentuate the positive. Sugar’s incensed that they put the solicitor in the kitchen, because this is a cooking competition isn’t it? Camilla expresses disappointment in Sarah-Ann’s weak flavours and she responds “I was surprised by that – it was only four drops off the legal alcohol limit” (you mean YOU were!). Karren grasses Sarah-Ann up for not weighing her ingredients and Khadija shoots her a sneery look across the table. “I did weigh up afterwards” she attempts feebly. Stupid Sexy Camilla gets stick for her stupid sexy idea (Sugar “One of the ladies expected a chocolate willy Wonka”).

Collaborative are under scrutiny next and Sabrina reveals she started importing sweets to the UK at the age of 14. “Renoir Chocolat” is compared to Del Boy’s grasp of French (“Mange et toot”). Sian’s asked where her mythical £100k was coming from and she sheepishly admits “I didn’t know what to say”. They’re all bashed for over-promising changes rather than focusing on selling the product and Sian tries to blame Sabrina for the idea about printing things in the blank space (Sian’s idea). Khadija slags them both off.

Anyhow results are in:

Typhoon got 750 orders from Moonpig for Santa’s Choco Seduction. Collaborative got none.

However the Co-Op thought Typhoon were sleazy and sexist and made no orders, whereas they liked both the packaging and taste of Renoir Chocolat so ordered 7000 boring boxes of chocolates to presumably add to their “Luxury” range.

Oh NOW Collaborative are hugging each other and Sian is bizarrely in tears (she was presumably shitting a brick at being the final three after inventing a magic money tree for chocolate promotion).

“I have to try those chocolates” Lord Sugar declares. “Please do!” yells Khadija and they have to drag her off to the treat (High tea at a hotel since you ask) to prevent her from stuffing them into his gob.

Both Sian and Khadija in their treat VTs go I WON THIS TASK IT WAS ALL ME. Sabrina however simply states she has her “eyes on the prize” then goes back to take this piss out of Sian over that £100K.

In Café Doom Camilla blames the chocolate but Sarah-Ann’s having none of it and blames the word “seductive”. Dan thinks they’ve both left him down. None of that introspection for our Daniel.

Back in and Sugar’s still on at Camilla for not making the chocolates when she milks nuts for fuck sake. Camilla thinks her creativity was more useful on the branding side and it’s pointed out that she and Dan egged each other on to make their product too adult. She backtracks and claims she only went with Dan’s name “so he would have some say in the matter”. What a martyr! Sugar starts reminiscing about the 1970s and Babs Windsor getting her thruppeny bits out till he has to remind himself that that’s a BAD THING nowadays and the candidates are definitely more naughty than nice.

Camilla points out Sarah-Ann only told them the positives from the consumer research, but Sarah-Ann  “can’t see how that would have changed the pitch”. Oh dear.  Dan gently explains that after the drubbing from the Co-Op they were able to use that feedback to adjust the second pitch and get orders.

Karren gets a grand slam in (“The Co-Op said the brand was tasteless and the chocolates were tasteless”)  making Camilla’s jaw drop open and a croaking noise come out of her throat.

After slagging them off with Karren and Claude, Sugar plays the pretending to fire Camilla and Daniel game for a bit whilst Sarah-Ann sulks in the background (“You keep calling yourselves branding experts – er why?”) – and the penny drops finally for Dan (“We got caught up in the theme – we should have taken a step back and toned down”) whilst Camilla pathetically claims she was “swayed” by Dan. “I suggested names to fit the brief” he rejoins. Sugar suggests his ideas were more apt for a sex shop and the poor bloke looks like a not so rampant rabbit in the headlights. However it’s with a huge lack of surprise (and regret of course) that Sarah-Ann is fired. She looks well stroppy. In the taxi of ARGGH she gets out the gin and continues to blame the word seduction. The taxi driver has probably heard this so many times.

Cam and Dan are told “This was a bladdy disaster – you’ve made the final 5!” in the most backhanded congratulation I’ve heard for some time.

Next week finally it’s interview time where the candidates are quizzed on their business plans . There will be bullshit and brutality. Hurrah! I liked the snippet of Claude telling Camilla “Your ideas are all based around sex!” Maybe we all had this nut milk thing all wrong.

Liking: Sabrina, Daniel

Could win: Daniel

Meh:, Camilla Queen of SEX

Disliking: Khadija, Sian

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie, Sarah Ann