Week 6 and the twelve remaining candidates laze around the jacuzzi at 2.30pm. Of course this idyll can’t last and they’re rudely interrupted by a call (and my eyes are rudely interrupted by the brain scarring sight of Karthig aka K in his swimming togs – oddly it’s Dillon who’s wearing a sensible jumper who’s asking other candidates if HE looks like Michael Jackson). They’ve got 20 minutes to get to the 69th floor of Shard. “So he’s taking us up the shard?” muses Courtney wistfully.

K’s concerned it will be a all nighter task “I don’t do hard physical labour”. “What do you do?” Grainne asks and instantly regrets it as he answers “I eat, I drink, I make love. That’s what I do”.

Up the shard, Sugar tells the candidates he wanted them to see the wonderful panoramic view of London “one of the most multicultural places on earth” because nothing says exotic like a view of Bermondsey. The candidates have to purchase 9 items (“Some foreign, some British”) with only a grand, some business directories and a map to help them (just think – next year they’ll probably need a few grand to afford imported goods).

Rambuttan
African Black Soap
A photograph they’ve taken of the London skyline at night printed as a poster
10 Robusto cigars
A tagine
A lengha
200 rainbow bagels
Some birds of paradise
An American style pool cue

The task is overnight finishing at 6am so Sugar says they’ll need stamina as well as negotiation skills and knowing when to buy to get the best deal. The team spending the least wins and there’s fines for any unpurchased items.

Trishna’s switched to Nebula with Paul, Fran, Sofiane, Jess and Rebecca (who stays mysteriously quiet when they choose a team leader despite promising Lord Sugar last week she’d prove her skills as PM, so Trishna ends up leading thanks to her Lahndahn knowledge and decides to split the teams by location as Paul fancies himself as an East End geezer). Sofiane ignores most of the strategy talk as he’s too busy trying to snap the perfect photo of the skyline and they practically have to drag him into the car to make him stop. He then twats about going straight to a printers and obsessing over picking the best picture he took (Trishna: “It doesn’t matter”) arguing the print bloke down from a steep £30 to a pretty steep £24 and wasting time watching it get printed with a loving tear in his eye at his artistry.

Courtney elects himself leader of Titans (K, Grainne, Alana, Dillon, Samuel) as he has experience negotiating with factories in China and concentrates on finding out where the products are first.

Nobody knows what a rambutan is. Frances thinks it’s a bread, Sofiane reckons meat, someone else correctly guesses fruit so just to be different Paul suggests it could be a vegetable.

Over on Titans K knows most of the items and Samuel finds an outlet setting black soap in SE2 which Courtney with his amazing London knowledge reckons is right next to the Shard (to the driver “Take us to SE2”). Oops! Half way through the Blackwell tunnel he starts worrying as they have gone off the end of the map and about an hour later they reach the cash and carry where they only get a poxy 35p off the price of the soap. Still there is a nice shot of an urban fox rummaging round the car park so it’s not a total waste.

K admits that he’s proper “Indianning up” on the phone to lengha suppliers, convinced he needs to start a beautiful relationship in order to secure a deal. With the shops due to close at 10pm, he’s perturbed when Dillon insists on a diversion to a pool club which closes at 2.30am to pick up the pool cue.

Frances looks dubiously out of the car window at Brick Lane. “Is this the ghetto?” she asks. “This is trendy” Paul insists. She looks unconvinced. He manages to argue the price down on the rainbow bagels from £100 to £70 and swaggers round all but shouting “This is my manor” and “Who’s the facking daddy” for the rest of the show (“I grew up a mile from here.. I know how to deal with people in this area”).

K’s going for the full slow haggle (“Asian persuasion” as he calls it) at the Lengha shop (“You will not get any profit from me today .. it’s me asking you a favour”). After several hours exchanging life stories, the Lengha shop manager declares “As we’re friends now there are two other shops over the road who may be able to accommodate your needs” (probably one of the politest “please fuck off”s I’ve seen). K starts the whole process again (“I hear you’re from Bombay”) explaining that although it’s slow “that’s how things work in this culture”. After what seems a week he argues the price down from £70 to £55.

Contrast with Frances who strolls in, and noting that no size is stated for the Lengha asks for the cheapest child size and argues the price down to £20.

It’s the small wee hours in Bethnal Green and the music of police sirens fills the night air whilst Trishna’s team wander around newsagents asking what rambuttan is (“I dunno? A fish?”) and optimistically asking for posh cigars. Sofiane offers to try calling for a Tagine, but she insists it’s the other teams job, even though she’s supposed to be in the West of London at this point. In the East end subteam Rebecca gets a lead “Do you have tagines… er tahines? Yes! And black soap”. The guy on the other end of the phone says something about having various types of soap (I think he says Turkish) and despite Paul not being sure the manager has understood what Rebecca was asking for, they all agree to take an hour’s jaunt down to this shop in bloody Streatham where it transpires they have tahini and different types of soup. Whoopsie!

Courtney decides to go to a posh restaurant in Belgravia to buy the cigars and sends Alana in to use her feminine wiles on the ghost of Peter O’Toole who’s doubling as a genteel and slightly bored maître d’. The cigars cost £23.60 each but Alana insists she would be ecstatic if they could buy 10 for £140. “Give me a reason” says Peter O’Toole hoping for a blowie at the very least, but instead she dithers on about them being “lovely people”, but to Karren’s disgust he still lets her buy them for £145. “She was pathetic but he fell for it… god knows why!” Karren hisses. Miaow!

Jess decides to tell her potential cigar salesman, who is wearing a twatty hat and looks like he lives with his mum. that she’s buying cigar for her dad and she’s not from London which immediately puts his asking price up to £26 each. She’s reduced to giggling and begging (“You’d be making me dad a very happy man.. oh I haven’t got enough money” – presumably because he wants to smoke himself to death) until eventually he offers a paltry quid discount per cigar (“I’m doing this because I need to get some sleep”).

Courtney arrives at the same bagel shop (are there no others in London?) about 5 hours after Paul bought all their bagels but manages to convince them to cook a new batch up for slightly more than Paul paid and then waits around for an hour for them to finish baking.

Nobody seems to know what a tagine is apart from Sofiane who’s banned from trying to find one. Courtney decides to go to Turkish supermarkets (Alana “Is Morocco in Turkey?” Courtney “I don’t know”) who turn him away Tagine-free (“Sorry – we’re Turkish”).

Over in New Covent Garden Grainne susses out that they are selling shit Birds of Paradise flowers for a fiver including VAT. Paul’s subteam fare less well finding the biggest grinning gobshite in NCG who responds unsympathetically to their pleas of needing the flowers but having a low budget (“Well you’re in trouble then” Ho ho ho. Tosser).

They all suss out what rambuttan is and manage to buy it for 2kg each. “They’re like lychees with hair” Trishna muses. “Reminds me of something else actually” Jess leers, giggling (Trishna:”Ugh Jessica!”). Filth!

It’s 4am but Courtney’s not as worried as the rest of his team (“Time is a cruel mistress”) and eventually takes his photo and pops it into a print shop with an hour to go arguing the price down from £11 to only £7.50. There’s less than half an hour to go and Alana watches the printer chug for the slowest five minutes imaginable (“Oh my god this is unbearable”) before they can leg it back to the shard where the Titans realise that Nebula haven’t made it back in time.

Back in the boardroom and Sofiane gets stick for concentrating on his precious photo and not much else. Jess’s crap negotiation is also under fire as is Trishna for being forced to abandon her stance on getting a set price due to time worries. It’s revealed that Fran only paid £20 for the Lengha and Sugar confirms he didn’t specify a size at which Grainne gives a sheepish K one of her best hacky looks.

Rebecca’s communication breakdown and subsequent trip to Streatham rightly gets the most stick and Karren who is in full on beeyatch mode tells Rebecca it should have been a clue that not many shops sell both tagines and African soap (actually there’s at least one in Colchester that I think does, I’m not convinced Karren is an expert on world food shops).

Courtney gets verbals for his SE2 fail. Karren sticks the boot into Alana over her cigar negotiation putting on a bitchy girly voice (“Oh please I’m so nice”). Alana points out that it worked and Karren insists he just wanted to go to bed (I bet he did!). Poor Alana doesn’t deserve this and argues the case that it shouldn’t matter “as long as I got the end point” at which point Sugar joins in “You don’t need nice or charming in business” and Alana looks chastened.

Sugar reckons Courtney’s picture was “a bit dark” and Sofiane looks chuffed despite his being over £15 dearer.

Nobody got the tagine, and Sugar’s scripted joke is actually quite funny “Walking around London at midnight looking for a strong Moroccan pot could have got you into trouble”.

Anyhow the scores are in

Titans brought 8 items back and paid £333.11 but were fined £75 (!) for the missing tagine so the total was £408.11

Nebula only got 7 items and got back late so had £157.75 fines added to their spend of £362.80 making £520.65 and poor Trishna looks gutted.

The winners get a pampering session which gives yet another disturbing insight into K as he relaxes under the kneady fingers of a masseuse crooning creepily “Put your back into it… thanks Simona that’s great.. keep going”. Ugh.

Sad music plays in the Bridge Café as Sofiane’s still banging on about the tagine and yet again Rebecca is bleating that it’s not her fault (“I’m sick of being rounded upon”).

Back in the boardroom and the team discover they paid more than the other team on 5 items so it was a negotiation disaster as well as a tactical fail in going to 24 hour shops first rather than later. Trishna brings Rebecca back for being daft enough to consider going to Streatham in the middle of the night and Sofiane for not listening or contributing. Lord Sugar lets the others go but warns Fran she needs to be on a winning team soon and she promises to try on the next task.

Rebecca says she didn’t take the PM role this time as the task was more suited to Trishna. “Are you going to keep making that excuse” Sugar growls. Sofiane insists he did offer suggestions about the tagine, but Trishna points out it wasn’t his job to (“I understand it’s from your background”). Rebecca senses a way out and blames Sofiane for not negotiating well until Karren points out that Rebecca paid £30 more than the other team on the one item she brought. “I’m not a negotiator” Rebecca moans, “that’s not what I do” and Sugar paraphrases what everyone’s thinking asking what the feck she does do.

Whilst Sugar’s concerned by Sofiane’s maverick tendencies (warning him “Don’t be an autocrat” cos that’s Sugar’s job) and Trishna’s lack of adherence to her initial strategy he has to fire Rebecca who, having been duller than a video about Tupperware for 6 episodes comes up with the quote of the series so far in the taxi of regret (“In the end I think I went because I’m not a twat basically”).

Next week the teams appear to be flogging maritime goods (at least I hope so as otherwise asking members of the public if they enjoy watersports is taking the show in a whole new direction).

Liking: Dillon , Sofiane, Alana (who I sort of want to win now after the beasting Karren gave her this week)

OK: Frances, Jess (again!), Trishna

Plastic Cockney Geezer of the week: Paul

Meh: Courtney, Samuel, Grainne

In a league of his own: K

Bye Bye: Michelle, Natalie, Lovely Sausage Olly, Aleksandra (Conscientious Objector), Mukai (Utter Twat in a bow tie), JD, Rebecca

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