Week 5 sees me staying in the pub having a nice chat rather than rushing back to see the remaining bunch of clueless arsehats debase themselves for our furry walnut faced peer.

This week the challenge was to crowd fund to advertise cycling products through creating an event, a website and a social media buzz then pitching to cycling experts. I’m not quite sure how the whole pledging malarkey works as I turn up about 25 minutes in and it appears that people are being encouraged to offer small amounts of money in order to get products worth far more. Why don’t you just try selling dear boys?

The teams have been jumbled again (as though we care) so now Samuel leads the Titans of Dillon, Courtney, Trishna, Alana, Grainne and the inimitable Special K’ness of Karthig.

Nebula (Jess, Rebecca, Sofiane, Angry Paul, Fran) somehow elect JD as their leader and he bumbles around giving everyone much more power than he has and trying to ignore everything going to shit.

The teams check out the amazing cycling inventions like one that makes your bike explode if you cycle on the pavement or if you go round the corner on a public footpath without ringing your bell to warn pedestrians. Unfortunately they get most excited about some headphones cyclists can wear to drown out the screams of pedestrians they hit but enable them to hear traffic, which JD’s team plumps for. Sam’s team go for a gilet with a flashing zip which doubles as both cyclist and nighttime prowler wear. I’ve never understood gilets anyhow – if your arms don’t get colder than your tummy what sort of freak are you?

Nebula get the run of King’s Cross Station to stage their crowd event and go for the nice idea of a gospel choir singing about how great cyclists are or something. Unfortunately when Rebecca films it she just gets one gospel singers arm and a few bored commuters in the background.

Samuel apparently ignores everyone else’s ideas including Alana’s (Can anyone actually hear her?) and creates some frightening mime theatre play at Waterloo station which looks like a blind pimp beating up a woman. (Apparently it’s meant to be a bloke on a mime bike hitting someone – does that have anything to do with having strangely warm arms and a shiny zip?). I come in as Grainne stands around tutting and moaning but doesn’t really offer any suggestions herself and when Samuel tries to discuss it she snaps “I’m not having this conversation!” later adding “If he doesn’t want to listen let’s lose!”. Trishna’s charged with social media and manages to spell GILET wrong (my spellcheck suggests Gilts or Gimlets by the way) in between Hashtagging everything from #cyclepaths to #villagebikes. As any fool knows you spell it T.W.A.T.C.O.S.Y.

Meanwhile in the week’s most uncomfortable trio at a table scene ANGRY Paul is losing his shit whenever Sofiane tries to interrupt him with an idea for the website and demands Sofiane just writes on a piece of paper to communicate so Paul can wipe his angry arse it is. “Can we JUST THINK!” Jess demands, her brain exploding with the enormity of being the most reasonable person in a scene. Paul seems to be Basil Fawltying to Bruce (the Gilet supplier) and quickly writes up pledges for the additional items on the site without mentioning the RRP or listening to anyone else.

Anyhow the teams get their chance to pitch to the cycle retailers and Sam asks K who’s strongest on the subteam. K bigs up everyone (including himself) except Alana who gets the righteous hump. K digs a bigger hole by explaining he doesn’t think she’s crap but “you know what happened..I forgot your name”. Sam decides that Trishna should pitch by virtue of being least obviously insane or something.

JD decides that Sofiane should pitch on pricing whilst he leads and Frances does girly marketing (this week is all about the everyday sexism).

The Titans boys work on Samuel so he drops Trishna from the pitch and gets K to open, Courtney to do the maths whilst he ends with social media. “Do you know enough about it?” Trishna asks and Sam’s adamant he does which pisses her off righteously. K actually does a storming opening “How many of you here sell Hi Vis Clothing? Oh yes some do so I am in the right room” to cycle retailers this is the height of urbane wit and they lap up his nerdish blurb about “Snazzy fashion that keeps you safe as well”. Courtney drops the ball by stammering through the numbers and Sam deflates the tyres of energy by waffling at length about how great their mime bike version of Death Race 2000 at Waterloo station was.

JD goes next and tells the cycling experts how cycling is really popular since the 2012 Olympics like they don’t have the slightest fucking clue. Sofiane waffles on about the product without mentioning prices leaving poor Frances having to blag it “There’s only one package buy 180 and get a 40% discount, but then there’s a smaller package where you buy 12 for £389 and it’s also a 40% discount”. Quite rightly a cycling retailer asks, what’s the difference then. Sofiane wakes up and suggests you save more on the bigger spend, but Frances burbles on that it suits the smaller retailer best, which pisses off Mr Big Shot Bigger Retailer who asked the question.

In the Boardroom it’s pointed out that Trishna’s spelling GILLET actually means “Loose woman”. Claude bigs up Alana’s idea (involving a black screen and the gilet actually lighting up visibly which sounds far too clear) and condemns K for destroying it. “Yes I have a little creative streak” K says smugly. Sam’s Waterloo bike mugging video is roundly panned and Grainne sticks the boot in (“I may have well talked to the wall – it was all Sam”). “You never gave me any suggestions” Sam bleats and Grainne goes all Mrs Doyle (“Ah there’s no point asking me now – it’s over!”).

Sam’s slapped down for his rubbish pitch but it transpires one of retailers said K was ‘superb’. Queen bitch Karren is quick to piss on his parade (“You described it as snazzy which is a word I haven’t heard since 1975”) before conceding “it was very engaging”.

Rebecca’s video for Nebula gets some stick and Paul is in the firing line for failing to put RRPs on his website to incentivise pledges. Paul is contrite (“I have to take responsibility for that I should have been far more detailed”) because taking ownership of mistakes is a good thing, right?

Anyhow Nebula got £681 worth of pledges whereas Titans got buy in from two retailers and got £788 (is that fucking all?!).

The Titans are sent to learn how to cook (which appears to involve waving a condom full of gravy about if Dillon’s clip is anything to go by). Grainne and Sam clearly hate each other now but Sam’s management wonk speak won’t allow him to admit it (“I must try to work more cohesively with her”).

Sugar’s annoyed at Nebula for blowing the best product and banishes them to the Bridge café where JD holds his hands up and Paul gets angry at Sofiane for pointing out how shit his website. “You had input” (via a piece of paper) Paul insists. “The stress was pouring out of your ears” Sofiane winds him up.

Back in the room and Rebecca looks resigned when Sugar points out she’s been on the losing team five times. JD says he didn’t have involvement with the rewards subteam until Karren points out he was Project Manager and went home early and he admits he tried to go and check on them “but they said they didn’t want us there”. Oh dear. “So what? Just go” Karren points out. “Fair point he concedes”.

He brings back Paul (who looks angry) and Rebecca (who was doing marketing but as Sugar says “created all the buzz of a dead bee”).

Paul thinks someone else should have been brought back (“Sofiane’s a complete maverick”) and denies he’s aggressive (why have I been calling him “Angry Paul” for weeks?) and JD holds his hands up again for not bringing Sofiane back. “Another mistake?” snides Karren. “Are you throwing in the towel?” Sugar asks. “I’ve made mistakes and held my hand up” JD insists. Cos Paul did that earlier and that’s a good thing right?


“I can’t go into business with someone who makes mistakes” Sugar insists forgetting that old adage that the man who can’t make a mistake can’t make anything but a shit phone that sends emails which nobody wants.

Paul insists he will take the lead in the process and Rebecca gets a dig in (“Will you do that by shouting more?”). Paul insists she needs to stand up for yourself and she insists “I’m not here to SHOUT. SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT.” “OK you’ve milked the shouting I get the point” Sugar snaps. However he sacks JD for admitting his mistakes (FFS!) and gives Rebecca one more chance after the five she’s had. His advice to Paul is to “man up”. I really don’t think he needs that advice.

Poor old JD still apologising in the Taxi of Doom (“I’m sorry I didn’t put up more of a fight”) but he should take heart that everyone’s sad to see Rebecca back instead of him.

Paul proves his twat credentials by insisting “THE HEAT IS ON!”. Twice!

Next week the candidates go on a treasure hunt. At one point Frances will ask “Is this like the ghetto”. Where will they be? My money’s on South Norwood.

Liking: Dillon , Sofiane, Alana

Angry Twat: Angry Paul

OK: Frances, Jess (again!), Trishna

Confusingly genius yet terrible simultaneously: K

Being of Beige: Rebecca

Still a ShitWeasel: Courtney

Rubbish: Samuel

Nope still Totally rubbish: Grainne

Bye Bye: Michelle, Natalie, Lovely Sausage Olly, Aleksandra (Conscientious Objector), Mukai (Utter Twat in a bow tie), JD