First published 15th January 2009 on

Day 13 in the house and the women are discussing plastic surgery (with Ulrika offering a top tip to saggy celebrities – don’t pay for your own surgery – offer to write an article for a mag and they’ll pay AND cover the insurance! Mutya muses the possibility of getting her tits done, and Tina pounces, somewhat over-aggressively calling the slovenly yet very pretty house Bagpuss clone an “attention seeker”. Oh the irony, as Tina ends up stating that she “wouldn’t mind losing a bit of weight on me fanny!” before slowly toppling to the floor from her chair. Ulrika doesn’t even try to stifle her grin (“Your fanny weighs too much Tina”).

After causing a row over mouldy bread that turns out to be entirely her own fault, Tina starts trying to garner pre-election sympathy along with the rest of the nominees, arguing most vehemently that she will go as she’s “been really quiet.” “Really??!” double takes Ulrika, whilst the other women piss themselves laughing. “Oh yeah!” insists Tina, “I’ve been nicer in here than I would be outside. I want everyone to see my vulnerable side.”  Tina’s shocked to discover that Michelle may sometimes find her intimidating and immediately starts shouting about how she’s really sweet and shy really whilst Ulrika tries to reassure her that when they say “intimidating” it doesn’t mean something really bad. Hmmm not like it did the other day with that vile bully Coolio eh Ulrika?

Mutya’s well annoyed that Tommy and Coolio are simply sleeping through the Carwash whilst she’s practicing to jump around on a “giant” piano with La Toya, and doesn’t want to bother doing anything more if they’ve failed anyway. She’s so mad she would probably stripe someone if she could only be arsed. Terry tries to buoy the errant car boys up (“I’m very disappointed in you Tommy”) by calling them a pair of “wusses”. Coolio points out that in all fairness he got a teensy bit cold and wet doing the task (Terry: “It must be full of pussies the area you come from. You could start a reign of terror there with a balloon on a stick.”)

For some reason Verne wants to do the shittest crowd surf ever whilst still dressed as the rude Bo Selecta bear – from the toy box. Michelle offers to catch him, then Ulrika. Then everyone’s crowded around fussing over him and cooing “how adorable!” whilst he half jumps and is immediately grabbed by Michelle. What Ulrika and Michelle don’t know is that this is how foreplay usually works for Verne, although it works better if he can get a run up.

Terry and Tina discover that they need more hits than Ulrika and Verne to pass their task. Terry’s not convinced they will but Tina’s confident, I’m not being fuckin funny like, that they will get over 100,000 hits cos “I’m on Channel 4 and you were on Channel 4 for 68 years”. Terry doubts they were as funny as the other clip, but Tina’s “a fat girl in a fukkin tutu, how much more amusing do you want?” Um brain cancer? When Big Brother states later they only got 32,000 hits Tina turns smugly to Terry “What did I fukkin say? I said 30 or 40 thousand.”

Ben is told to “creep up” on a housemate and frighten them in his craposaurus outfit. He retires to the ashtray to decide his strategy, cutting an amusing figure – resembling as he does a Far Side cartoon of a smoking tyrannosaurus captioned “How the Dinosaurs died out.” Eventually he hides under a duvet in the luxury bedroom, being too retarded to actually “creep” up and does a feeble “boo” at Ulrika, who looks at him blankly for a millisecond before possibly working out that he’s doing a secret task and exclaiming unconvincingly “Oh you fucking frightened me!” Big Brother understandably feel sorry for Ben and he passes (“I feel elated”).

I like Ulrika’s task in which the housemates gather expectantly in the backgarden as she dances out whooping to the thumping sound of pow wow drums and aiming at the target whilst the beat builds to a banging crescendo. It stops. She shoots. And the arrow flails hopelessly into the ground. She hits the target on the next go and is promptly told the task is over and everyone drifts away anticlimactically whilst she tries to muster an enthusiastic whoop.

La Toya and Mutya do impressively well on their keyboard task, hitting all the right notes in all the right order and rhythm and looking quite cute too. Even I give them a round of applause and Terry manages not to take the piss too much when they emerge from the task room.

Anyway as we all know the task was failed all down to Verne and Michelle not making themselves sick lots on sugary acidic honey (if they’d tried to make lovely Dirk macrobiotic Benedict do this a couple of years it would probably have killed him). So the unhappy campers, who’ve been having issues over limited food all week, again have £1 each a day to survive on. Blimey and La Toya’s only been eating smoked salmon. There must be a Netto round the corner. Ulrika tries to offer to help with the shopping list and Terry and Tommy are well up for this (Tommy suggests Ulrika and La Toya, knowing more about food preparation, have a committee of two to avoid the soul destroying circularity that normally accompanies doing the shopping list). The others appear to grudgingly agree and Ulrika, thinking aloud, says she might see if La Toya will have salmon fillets rather than smoked salmon. Verne, who’s been asleep in a honey coma all day, suddenly wakes up and accuses her snappily of hassling a vegetarian to eat meat, and won’t accept Ulrika’s genuine explanation that she hasn’t. Either it was a moment of deafness or he’s finally living up to his promise of shit stirring. It’s not very nice though as they suddenly treat Ulrika with suspicion and disdain, until she flounces off muttering “Loud of bollocks” leaving Verne to “explain” to the confused Terry that “she said she didn’t say something she did” (eh?). Coolio scents fresh blood and declares that Ulrika can’t pick the shopping as she doesn’t “know nothing. She can’t even cook!” Terry tries to suggest they’re being unfair, but Coolio’s off on one. “WHO GOT A COOK BOOK? ME! I’m the only gourmet chef in this mother..IT’S MY KITCHEN! MINE!!!” It’s actually quite funny in it’s diabolic shitness, but Verne annoys me by switching tack again and suggesting the girls were “just trying to contribute” when he seems to have started this whole new row off.

A thwarted head girl Ulrika goes for a blub, comforted by Tina who points out that the boys sit around in a “click” (does she mean clique?) all day talking about the girls. More irony as this all takes places in the luxury bedroom which is now the women’s bitching domain, and even more when Tina declares that ALL THE MEN ARE FREAKS.

Leave it all to Coolio, Ulrika, it’s a poisoned chalice anyway getting involved with doing the food. Everyone will eat it and call you a twisted control freak behind your back.

Liking: Terry, La Toya
Annoyed by momentarily: Verne (although having seen tonight’s live feed in which he’s allowed to go through all stages of pissed from angry to miserable on camera – and we discover he’s probably only got 10 years to live I’m feeling bad for him), Coolio
Liking and feeling a bit sorried for: Ulrika
Still warming to: Tommy (for singing Billy Bragg songs in a weird posho accent)
Bored by: Ben, Mutya
Not keen on: Michelle (who now says everything’s been resolved with Coolio and is all girly and embarrassed for having been a cry baby which she thinks the viewers might hate her for. And oh she’s come to her senses in time for the Thursday and Friday shows. Convenient)
Hoping that she points out her vulnerable side, so someone can take it out with a crossbow: Tina