First published 21st January 2009 on

OK I missed Wednesday night’s, but never mind they repeated the important things last night.

Coolio scmoozes with the er famous LaToya: “When I get back to LA I might get to meet Janet or Michael …. or TITO!” Give her credit, her beautifully manicured face doesn’t crack. They join each other on a stomach rending rendition of “Ben” – awww.

The housemates are given the opportunity to rise to secret dares given by Big Brother which are then broadcast to the rest of the house. Surely Coolio will be up for this first. Oh no it’s Terry, who has to lick the armpit of a man who looks like the spawn of Catherine Zeta Jones and a sumo wrestler earning himself a shiny new token (it’s just like “The Word” then. Whilst Terry shaves and bleaches his tongue Big Brother announces the second dare. Surely our man Coolio will rise to the cha…oh it’s LaToya who has to lick a window free of gentleman’s relish like she’s on the Sunshine Bus (yet more food craziness from Big Brother – will the madness ever end!?). She hardly touches the fishy delicacy (“MMm it’s so thick and salty!” will fuel a few twisted fantasies from now on though) before with her little cats tongue before Big Brother takes pity and declares her a success. Finally seventeed minutes later Coolio gets his chance to show the housemates how it’s done. In the Diary Room, Big Brother tells him he must sit in a bath full of “gooey stuff” and submerge his head for 2 minutes. Our courageous rapper goes all “What you talkin bout Big Brother”, claiming he won’t do the dare without knowing what the gross things are and prevaricates for another seventeen minutes, surely knowing that the other housemates and us will be seeing this and mocking him. Finally he agrees and Verne counts him two minutes in the (“this shit is cold!”) bath (vegetable soup, now Coolio flavoured yum!) whilst Verne counts him to two minutes. He gets his head under late, emerging with a carrot chunk bindi, but Big Brother aren’t feeling mean so they pass him.  Ulrika licks a fishes eyeball (must be similar to getting off with Sven) and Tommy has to neck 3 Brainfreezes (which only Ulrika seems to have heard of. “He’s in so much pain!” she laughs delightedly, which he fails and is sent to jail (“A victim of injustice and not for the first time!” he jokes whilst The News Of The World quake in their booties), before Terry shows him real solidarity (“Aww he’s gonna have to sleep in there tonight”, Ulrika “Only if he’s not going home) and gets everyone out in the garden to keep Tommy company (poke him through the bars). Ben has to snog a real and very enthusiastic old lady who makes disturbing “Ummphh Umphhh Oomf” noises whilst eating his face.

Big Brother continue on their quest to kill a dwarf by making Verne blow a balloon up until it goes pop. Shit yeah! Collapse those little lungs, it’ll be like punching two paper sweet bags. Coolio has to help him hold the balloon steady (prompting another Ulrika angst about what Verne does and doesn’t need doing, forgetting that he’s making it easy for people by ASKING when he needs help), but Verne makes it, through a series of gurntastic facial expressions, and the balloon blows up – sadly not in Coolio’s ungoggled face.

Oooh there’s another eviction. And it’s LaToya surprisingly with less support than Ulrika or Ben, who leaves the house to refreshingly few boos (it would be wrong wouldn’t it?) to I’m sure an intensive, searching and well pitched interview from Davina. Oh sorry I was on drugs then. Before she leaves LaToya shouts to Tommy “I’m gonna see you outside” and Tommy shouts “Of course!”, adding fuel to Michelle’s rumour, but I still can’t see it. Maybe they’ve both read the script as Davina announces that it’s Tommy who’s next to leave less than 16 minutes later (some interview LaToya got!). It’s meant to be a secret double eviction, but everyone’s sussed already that the first person left too early for it to only be them, so the only surprise is the sheer level of booing for Tommy (unless there’s just loads of weegies in the crowd and that’s how they cheer). I’m sure Davina grills him about Marxist dialectic and I just missed this.

In the bedroom Coolio has a descreet gangsta weep, and why not, he’s lost a “homeboy”, he’s lost a fellow septic and he might have lost his chance to meet Tito. Someone has to pay! He turns to Verne, “Ulrika was really happy to see LaToya go” he confides. Verne’s little face sets solemnly. LaToya was his lady, the one woman in the house freaky enough for him to have a chance of doing sex with. Ulrika must pay. Too little too late?

Liking: Terry
Liking and thinking will win: Verne (yet more drunken whizzing around on his scooter may cleanse the viewers brain of him tonguing a Hamble doll)
Liking and third place all over them: Coolio
Liking and hoping she makes the top three: Ulrika
Sort of not minding and thinking he should do a cover of “Help the Aged”: Ben