First published 17th January 2009 on

Verne indeed has a neurotic hangover, so Terry and Tommy fuck with his head by telling him he was propositioning Tina (was he really THAT drunk? Nah, they’d have definitely called a doctor in). Michelle moans in the Diary Room that Verne is definitely a nasty drunk, cos, she pouts “he came on to all the girls apart from me”. I dunno, either you’re e sex pest or an ignoramus. Big Brother calls Verne in to check if he needs something for his head (something higher than a metre holding it up?) and ask if he remembers ram raiding the Diary Room Door (“No…sorry if I did.”).

We discover that LaToya never washes up at home. “It’s good for the soul” assures Terry, asking whether she’ll be more likely to tell the “home helps, ‘leave those cups I’ll do them'” when she gets back. Everything about her girly whispers “No fucking way”.

Big Brother try to stabilise the house and restore harmony by introducing a battle of the sexes task, where male and female housemates will compete to challenge 6 gender stereotypes about men or women: multi-tasking, common sense, memory, cooking, practicality, bravery (which all housemates take part in). Michelle takes on Tommy at multitasking and has to answer questions whilst (gasp!) ironing and “listening” to classical music (hmm). She irons two shirts very neatly whilst only getting one answer right (embarrassingly she thinks there are 352 days in a year and 6 eggs in a dozen). Tommy lurches in full of confidence and gets all his questions right whilst merely fiddling around with a shirt (presumably hoping for his missus to come in and do it properly). For this he passes. Seems a tad unfair that he only demonstrably completed one of the “multiple” aspects of the task. But then again, multi tasking is a crap stereotypical skill for a gender – it usually just means you can do lots of things really shitly.

I am most dismayed by the women’s wimpishness during the “bravery” round, when they all have to go into the task room in the dark where Big Brother states there will be a fluffy, cute tarantula lurking (OK I would have crapped myself at the idea last year, but having met some in the Peruvian jungle, they’re really harmless and quite cuddly unless you start messing with them. Although they are rubbish at buying rounds). Surely you don’t have to be a genius to work out that Big Brother won’t genuinely risk the life of a beautiful animal by shoving it into a room with Tina’s feet? Tina shudders that the spider will crawl on her toes. No Tina, it probably knows where they’ve been. Of course, the spider is removed from the task room before the girls go in. That is before La Toya and Michelle go in, cos the others sit trembling in the Diary Room. I can almost forgive the two their screaming and shrieking, given that having seen the others wimp out, and therefore reducing the safety in numbers aspect, must make it slightly creepier. They return to the Diary Room where Ulrika through gritted teeth tells them “You’re SO brave.” Pah!

The boys go in en masse, with Coolio vowing to protect Verne (who a tarantula could easily carry off). Big Brother has tried to assuage nerves by pointing out that a tarantula bite is no worse than a bee sting, but Verne doesn’t “do stings well”. I’m relieved there is no spider as Coolio suggests everyone standing around Verne and just “STOMPING” to keep any foolish arachnids at bay. The boys spend their time laughing nervously, as it’s scarier to be locked in a dark room with four other men than any amount of creepy crawlies (Verne: “Coolio are you touching me?… You did it again Goddamit!”). Tina and Ulrika are most vocal in the lounge about how the boys will really be shitting themselves but not admit it. After this rubbish display it’s no surprise the men win this “scientific” challenge and therefore are declared amusingly by Big Brother to be better than women (or at least better than the women of the house at working together and playing to their strengths by picking appropriate people for each challenge), winning lager and pizza which they are forbidden to share with the “weaker sex”.

We get another unwelcome shot of Tina’s manky bra strap through her ill-advised see-through black lace top as she’s told she’s evicted and Mutya insists on leaving too so she can go home to her child.  This clearly makes Ulrika the “worst mother in the world” (TM). Mutya buggers off, hugging everyone goodbye (understandably nearly forgetting Ben, giving Verne a mini-hug and running away quickly, being groped twice by Coolio).

Coolio kicks off again, refusing to “shut up” at Michelle’s behest whilst Ben reads out Big Brothers instructions (not to drink booze, swear or sing for a few hours whilst the live show is on), and tells the apparently manic depressive geordie to “fuck off” and “hail to the NO”, whilst Terry pulls a pained face and tries to be reasonable. Michelle’s tear hair-trigger kicks in and Coolio lopes off disgusted to the ashtray. La Toya drags him aside like some Lady Macbeth with laryngitis, telling Coolio that he’s falling for Michelle’s game plan and she’s trying to get him to respond so she can make him look bad by crying and therefore win. “I’ll be damned if she gonna win” squints Coolio slowly, and, job done, LaToya gives him the hug of the spider woman (Coolio: “I need to [kick off] more so I can get one of those hugs”). Later she spreads more poison about certain housemates “attention seeking” to Verne and the boys. Cos Coolio is such a wallflower eh? LaToya is playing an odd little game, which is making her just seem even scarier than when she first entered the house. Mind you when Michelle’s tears escalate and we’re back in red puffy faced hell, I’m thinking “get a grip” as LaToya annexes Coolio for more coaching (“Tonight I’ve seen you do NOTHING to her…you play games together and laugh together.. I think it’s all an act.”. She might have a point. Michelle whinges on “It’s driving me mad and I’m quite a sane person” (hmm) and Ben tries to defend her at the boys table.  For some godforesaken reason he’s bought up the BenChelle non-relationship wind-up again. Doh! Ben insists that Michelle loves her boyfriend and nothing could happen. Coolio however is a man of the world; “I have been around literally thousands of women… when she gets drunk she forget about her boyfriend” he insists, doing an impersonation of a drunk woman succumbing that even Ben laughs at. Under the right circumstances Coolio could apparently get any “pussy” in the house, and as soon as Big Brother find his missing suitcase full of rohypnol he might prove it.

Liking: Terry, Verne
Liking, but my god he’s an arseclown: Coolio (“Pussy ain’t got no face” – very Jay and Silent Bob, but would you want to put up with it 24/7?)
Wanting to like more: Ulrika
Liking but fearing: LaToya
Sort of not disliking, but not loving: Ben
Bored by lots: Michelle
Worried that he is going to go mental at some point (watch the body language): Tommy