First published 23rd January 2009 on

The booing twatclowns have already gathered at a freezing Elstree whilst we watch the highlights of Day 21, where the housemates have had their last supper. “That  was the best meal I’ve had in ages,” smacks Terry in satisfaction, adding after a beat the ultimate Manc accolade to fine dining “I’m just going for a quick fag.”

Big Brother manage to edit a Bergman-esque scene of massively discomforting proportions between Verne and Ulrika, left stuck at the table by the departing smokers. Ulrika tries to make conversation (“Maybe you’ll get a NICE pudding.” Oh FFS Ulrika he’s not three!) before it collapses into silence, angry on Verne’s champagne gurning side, sad on Ulrika’s. She even takes to humming and sighing. It’s like a family visit to a senile gran. Of course it’s edited, as Big Brother later show Verne and Ulrika having a conversation, but for those few brief excruciating minutes of silence and sighs I bet Ulrika contemplated taking up smoking tabs. The housemates have a toast to their departed comrades (forgetting Lucy – ha!, and nearly forgetting LaToya except Verne lurves her), and Ben FINALLY shows some bollocks standing up to Coolio (“I don’t need to learn from the shit that comes out of your mouth”) before running away.

So it’s time for 5th place, and to my non-surprise it is Ben. Can’t believe the goons are booing, surely that’s equivalent to booing a pot of yoghurt or a coat hanger? After a perfectly nice and reasonably forgetful exit interview and best bits it’s time to release the housemate in 4th. To my HUGE SURPRISE it’s not so big Verne. Obviously sex baby doll gate has hit him harder than I expected, although mercifully the endemol rentagoon crowd bawlk at booing a dwarf. The audience chant “FIX! FIX! FIX!” whilst Davina patronisingly tries not to patronise the little fella (“I’m going to let you walk down there and get your picture taken” oh THANK YOU!). I suppose she really can’t help talking down to him, but it’s a bit sickie making and he can’t be arsed to play ball in the interview when he realises Channel 4 sent their shittest presenter to conduct it. She even starts gushing about his “new found celebrity” at one point, the thick cow. She also seems to be using every interview to slip in something about how Ulrika is really nice. This cuts no dice with Verne. “Sure Ulrika was bossy and took control of the house but that was good sometimes?” she digs desperately. “No.” insists Verne bluntly. We’re shown amusing clips of Verne being ritually stripped of any dignity he had (plus the doll-frenching incident WITH NO FUCKING WARNING – ugh!).

The audience deserve an act of terrorism tonight, so taken are they with shouting out like en masse retards. It’s down to third place, and back in line with my expectations as Coolio’s name is called, and he’s all ready to gangsta shuffle down the stairs, but amusingly they make him wait around in the house like a lemon whilst channel 4 show a newish shitcom. When Coolio finally emerges he’s booed by the hate mob (in fact all the top three are, unless they’re actually moos and the crowd is comprised of CJD victims), but he puts on a show bless him. He also manages to utterly pwn the increasingly useless Davina, turning it very much into da Coolio show, and getting in a bit of politics about his great granddad having been a slave. Which of course pales in significance next to Coolio’s CBB third place, what a journey indeed! He manages to potentially fuck up Terry by claiming that Man United fans have been voting for him (from Reading to Taunton), pretends to forget Ben’s name and tells how when Verne visits his house that his kids always want to play with him and he has to explain patiently that Verne is a grown man. Ha! Big Brother try to scupper him by showing Michelle’s teary face in close up throughout his interview and annoyingly HIS highlight clips (although they keep in his “bowling ball on legs” description of Tina – yay!)to remind the audience just what an evil bully he’s meant to be.  Coolio’s undeterred. “SHOCK ZULU” he yells triumphantly. “BOOOOOOO” go the crowd.

So it’s down to the final two, surely Ulrika can’t win. Oh yes she does and there’s a mini earth tremor from the nations collective jaw dropping. Even Ulrika can’t quite believe it. “It’s a fix!” she explains. Terry exits cheerfully in second place and the most consistently good natured and likeable housemate is still booed by some dickheads, whom he acknowledges with a chirpy wave and a “That’s really funneh!” No matter what people throw at Terry, you can just bet he’s had worse. He’s self deprecating and pleasant enough in his interview, where he reveals that he only brought in enough spare undies for a week, but seems a tad distracted and erm chemically enhanced. Predictably there’s BOOS when Davina brings up the fact that he compared Big Brother voters to thickos whilst under the influence of “a few sherberts” (“They kept cutting off my supply”). Sadly no boos when he says Tina was one of his favourite people in the house, there’s no justice. He starts describing his fellow housemates, and Davina points out they’re all sat nearby freezing their arses off. “I’ll say something nice about you all then” he laughs. Coolio reminded him of a friend who annoys everyone but whom he just finds “really funneh”, and he good naturedly points out that “it’s too late to start worrying” about being made to look a fool on national TV, before deciding to go for a drink (“Just to take the edge off” hmmm). His best bits are shown, reminding us that he’s the best housemate to not win Celebrity Big Brother, and of the wonderfully 1980s phrase “lob on” which I aim to introduce into as many conversations as I can in the near future.

So Ulrika wins having gained 57% of the final vote (eh?) and the fireworks fail to drown out the sound of bovine boos. Davina tries her best to look after the strangely vulnerable Swedish milf. It’s almost worth her winning for the look of stunned outrage on Coolio’s face, even as Ulrika has just complimented him on bringing energy to the house and Davina’s shrieked insanely “FANTASTIC HOUSEMATE!!!!” The crowd shout out something incomprehensible that sounds more like “Coolio” than “Ulrika” as the night fizzles out to a damp squib and I’m forced to consider turning over to watch Jonathan Woss for entertainment. So long and see you next year – if there is one.