First published 16th January 2009 on

So it’s eviction night and the highlighted edits of day 14 only look guaranteed to save Mutya as she did sod all on that day, amazingly. Maybe it was like a holy day or something to her? There’s boos all round as Davina reads out the names, the biggest reserved for Tina, but Ulrika a close second. Mutya hatahs can’t really muster a significant boo. Davina’s all stern cos she’s wearing a Dorothy Perkins SS jacket and chastises all the women who have suggested leaving recently (i.e. all the ones up for eviction) “No one forced you to do this show” (except your agent) “and you’re getting paid a lot!” (is this a coded message to get people to do more than just Boo Channel 4’s cash cow when she gets out of the house?).

There follows predictable and twattish dullness about the shopping list, which I shall relate in the manner of Rage Against the Machine.  (Coolio to Ulrika): “Fuck You You Can’t Help Choose the Shopping!” (Ulrika to Tina) “Wah Fuck They Won’t Let Me Do Shopping!” Girls to Boys: “Fuck You Then We’ll Do Our Own Shopping!” Michelle and La Toya: “Oh Fuck as long as we can have tuna” Coolio: “Fuck THEM Why they choosing their shopping.”  Coolio to Ulrika “Fuck You then you Can’t read the list out!” Coolio to Terry, Tommy, Verne, Ben, even La Toya: “Fuck! You better go read the list out” Others (especially Terry) “Fucks sake! Ulrika can read it!” Coolio condemns the women for being “Childish” for doing their own list, whilst shouting loudly that you “can’t trust a woman”. Oh the irony!

Tina (having already bravely stood up to Verne by calling him a “little sneak” (not a big one) behind his back, now lays down the law with Coolio who’s wasting time when she could be tucking into her £6 of fingers and eggs. “It’s NOT YOUR DECISION To TELL the rest of the FUKKIN house” she screams loudly and Coolio ignores her like she’s a little buzzing fly. Coolio’s happiest in noise he’s created-that’s a gangstas paradise. Eventually, bored, he swots, I mean shushes her. “NO MAN has ever told me to FUKKIN shush!” she screams, random hot air rushing out like a burst barrage balloon.  “ah just did” smiles Coolio and Tina bravely flounces off to whinge about him being “aggressive, hostile and loud” (what self awareness she has!) in the Diary Room cos he hasn’t got a “respectable” career shagging footballers like Ulrika. At least Ulrika hisses “Oh god you’re an anus” to Coolio’s face.

Big Brother gets bored of all this constant whinging and bribes them into not moaning for an hour by offering a sumptious reward of booze, posh grub and messages from home should they succeed. They do, but only by not talking to each other for the whole hour, as for them it’s the only way. Amusingly as the hour starts, most of the women immediately put as much space between themselves and Coolio as possible.

They’re rewarded with a party and significantly “Freak Out!” is playing as Ulrika fills Vernes overwhelmingly huge champagne glass to the brim and he whirrs away. The housemates pick someone to read their message from home, who then breaks a sugar bottle over them to free the note. LaToya gets a message from Tito (“I’m watching you…and Coolio I’m watching you, keep your hands off my sister”), plus a sign off from her mum and evil abusive dad. Tina, who’s reading this, decides to make it about her by crying like a spaz. Ulrika reads Michelle her sensible and sweet message from Hugh: “Please stop worrying about the Ben issue” (calling it an “issue” will help Hugh!). Ulrika claps her hands excitedly “I think you and Ben can have sex now!” (it made me laugh). Coolio also tries whoring for attention by demanding Michalle apologise to him (again) this time for having worried. Oh feck off!

Verne gets nastier and nastier drunk wise after having gone through sleaze mode in which he attempts to have sex with almost every woman in the house (OK not Tina and Ulrika – Verne’s not that drunk). Noting his increasingly erratic driving Ulrika threatens to issue a ticket, whilst Coolio sighs “I’ll have to take your keys bro.”. Whilst he demands respect for Latoya and declares he’ll do “anything” for her as she’s the “most beautiful woman” I wonder if with chat up lines like those Verne used to rely on pity fucks before he got famous and am amused by some sort of beeper thing on his scooter constantly going off (cheese alarm?). Of course he could just be identifying LaToya as a viable target as she’s one of the freakiest women in the house. “Everyone thinks I’m cute” Verne says with a half cute, half bitter giggle. I feel for him, and then I remember he’s got a sex video out so he’s not starving for action because of his disability like many disabled people with limited independance can be. He’s called to the Diary Room, but doesn’t go, he’s too busy doing donuts round the lounge and swearing at everyone (to Ben: “Alright bitch!”). Ulrika gets a litte annoying school mam to him (“Are you being a naughty boy? I’m gonna have to spank you!” sheesh Ulrika he’s a grown man not a middle aged ex public schoolboy!). Verne deliberately gets a run up to the Diary Room door and ram raids it, his tiny body shaking like a crash test dopey as the scooter bangs against the plywood. Sultry Big Brother is quite concerned in the Diary Room. “Verne did you just drive into the Diary Room door? It could be quite dangerous?” Verne “How?” Later, after Big Brother thankfully don’t show Verne crying whilst struggling to get undressed, or LaToya patronising him for having a comfort blankie (and sniffing it, ugh). That is gonna make for one neurotic hangover in the morning!

Anyway Davina goes live to the house where Ulrika and Mutya are looking extra gorgeous (and Verne and Coolio are BOTH sporting shades). To nobody’s amazement or disappointment Tina is evicted and she does the least convincing show of joy ever, which evaporates to nerves and tears within a minute. Totally nicking the wind from Tina’s bingo wings Mutya loudly threatens to leave. And apparently she definitely is. That’s us told for demanding entertainment from her. Shame we can’t watch her count her money.

Tina (who exits with a furry minge bag, or perhaps it’s a muff) is typically blind to her own faults in the exit interview (“I will LISTEN to people, I’m not a bitter twisted fat bird”, “I use expletives not because I lack vocabulary but because I’m passionate and I like swearing” – yeah cos swearing is a great sign of passion, ,like in Wutherin Fukkin Heights). She sees the house as divided into men and women (it is sort of now – but she’s responsible largely), and Coolio as not intelligent like she is. Oh dear. Some clips are shown to illustrate her vulnerable side (her singing “Thank god my period is over, my fanny is my own” which I’d missed first time and now feel gutted to have experienced, her being generally sweary and disgusting). Describing her fellow housemates, Tina is modest as always, boasting about how LaToya honed in on her first and dissing Tommy for not being as famous as her, who plays a shit character on a failing show (“I DID think it said celebrity at the top” – oh fuck off you tragic bint, I knew who Tommy was when he entered the house and had to google you even though I am from Liverpool) and reckons Tommy can’t communicate with young women (she may have a point, but Tommy’s in a similar situation to Michelle having the shadow of adultrous suspicion hanging over him). Davina shows a picture of Princess from Shrek next to one of Tina as Juliet and Tina states she had never seen the film so didn’t know what Michelle meant (she seems somewhat unamused-heh!). She states that she had learned that she “can be more tolerant than I ever thought I’d be”, she must have been a Nazi pre-Big Brother then. Tellingly during the “best bits” montage of nose picking and going on about being fat, they can only find two people saying something vaguely non-nasty about her. Mutya (“Tina’s like my mum” – nice edit Big Brother – I bet she was going on to say “who’s in prison” or something) and La Toya damning her with extremely faint praise. Fortunately Tina will interpret the edit in her own way, and conclude that she was “fukkin robbed”, because otherwise I’d worry for her.

Liking: Terry
Scared by (but still liking): DrunkVerne, LaToya
Liking but annoyed by now: Coolio, Ulrika
Bored by: Benchelle, Tommy
Bye bye: Mutya

p.s. some idle speculation. With Mutya going – doesn’t this make either Michelle or Ulrika toast (especially as LaToya will probably vote for them) if it’s down to nominations. Although if it’s a surprise eviction on Monday I have no idea how the votes are being cast. 


pps For once I’m copying and pasting the comments from this blog as none other than Kevin Rowland from Dexies showed up as a subscriber (alongside Simon Price from the Indie music pages). Fame!

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      Simon Price

      Simon Price

      Blimey, hello Kevin! If you’re still living in Brighton, we should go for a cup of tea some time. I’ve moved down here too…

      Anyway, back to CBB…

      Coolio’s brilliant description of Tina – “bowling ball on legs” -had me laughing for about ten minutes. Her eviction was pleasing, of course, although she seemed oblivious to the boos which greeted her exit (continuing her monstrous lack of both self-awareness and other-awareness).

      Verne declaring his love to Latoya was just painful. You could just see the awkwardness in her eyes, thinking “Please stop talking. I want to go now, but I’m too polite to just walk off.”

      Another brilliant Latoya moment I don’t think you mentioned, at the end of the lengthy petty squabble about who was going to go into the Diary Room and read out the shopping list. “I should read it… no, I should read it… no, I should…” until by some miracle of common consent, they all said “LATOYA should read it!” Beautifully-timed pause, then Latoya said “…I don’t want to read it.”

      I’m gutted about Mutya walking out, even though I’ll grudgingly admit she wasn’t contributing much to the drama and intrigue (if not the watchability).

      … Show more

      2 years ago

Kevin Rowland And Dexys OFFICIAL

Kevin Rowland And Dexys…

Nah, Im back in London, thank God. brighton was great for a few years, but then it got dull for me, but hard to leave. most people love it for five years, then want to leave, but end up staying for te.


2 years ago

Kevin Rowland And Dexys OFFICIAL

Kevin Rowland And Dexys…

Thank God for Latoya. At last some intelligence – spot on about Michelle and Ulrika and their demonizing of Coolio. About time! Maybe now Endemol will stop their pseudo p c bullshit {Pulling up Coolio and telling him to calm down, while asking Tina if she’s Ok, after the pair had an row – blatant sexism}. The whole affair echoes the Shilpa fiasco, when endemol pinned their pathetic colours to the mast.

This series has been a major dissapointment {not enough good ideas} and the surprise election on monday will, im sure be another of Endemols transparent attempts to manipulate the show in the direction they think best – to favour the likes of Ulrika {you watch, they will go out of their way to keep her in}. the irony is, that they are usually wrong and if they let matters take their natural course, instead of manipulating the nominations by coming up with some bogus rule break, as they did in previous series’ it would be much better TV.
Im bored with the whole Big Brother thing.