First published 19th January 2009 on http://www.myspace.com/wivenhoefunnyfarm/blog

So it’s time for the last nominations, followed by a “surprise” live eviction (with Davina wiffling on about what a “democratic” process it all is. Sure Tommy would be impressed). Here’s the breakdown of who shat on who:

Ben:

Coolio – because he’s an old fart who leaves the toilet seat up.
Ulrika (booo!): for also being old. And Swedish. Or something (OK I didn’t pay attention. It WAS Ben!)

Coolio:

Michelle- for tarnishing his shiny samurai sword with her womanly moistness. Oh and cos he’s worried she might beat him.
Ulrika – for being Ulrika

Latoya:

Michelle – for being a “follower”, says the woman who doesn’t celebrate christmas or birthdays cos her mum’s a Jehovahs Witness – even though she lapsed years ago.
Ulrika – for having swivelly eyes of doom! For a woman who can’t move her face at all this is terrifying. And for being a “control freak” – but this is cos only LaToya is allowed to take over the world muwahahahah! (oops)

Michelle:

Coolio- The world revolves around him, all the boys are falling over themselves for the chance to be in his Cooly gang – which is playing right into his masterplan.
Tommy – for using words like “homey” and “bro” and therefore losing his essence under the influence of the big bad Coolio (pretty astute on one level as Coolio seems to make Tommy even more determined to prove himself a “man”, but to be fair Tommy did have a go at Coolio for his “bitch and ho” talk.)

Terry (“You and your explanations!”):

Ben – because he provokes fear in Terry. Fear that can be summed up by the phrase “A1 Reunion”. He’s always “caterwauling” and is too nice, good looking and perfect so must die. I get the feeling Terry isn’t taking nominations too seriously. Good!
Verne – Oooh! Terry is only the second housemate with the balls to nom a dwarf (first was Mutya) – because he told him that talking about history was pointless when he was pissed. Plus Verne has only done the dishes twice (risking drowning each time though Tezza).

Tommy:

Ulrika- surprise surprise. Tommy confusing nominates the woman who tried to get him to get involved in the tasks rather than sulking by himself of not showing a sense of “collectivism” or “solidarity” – proving himself to be a twat, but what could we expect from Costcutter Galloway.

Ulrika has a bit of pleasant banter with Terry on the way in, asking what she’s be like if she went to public school.”You’d probably think you were better than everyone else” he cracks. “I’d be really high handed” she comes back.

Then she nominates Terry (boo!). Think it’s his first nom. She knows he’s a decent guy but he can be a bit aloof and not show interest in her unless she talks to him, also he’s very clever but thinks he knows everything and is self righteous with a faint air of chauvenism. Hang on, hasn’t she just described herself?
Ulrika also noms Tommy for not taking part in the tasks. “It has not gone unnoticed” she says self righteously.

Verne:

Ulrika – thinks she’s always right.
Terry (ooh): Because when Coolio wanted to put a bridge in the Big Brother song they wrote, Terry said “no” and he knows less about songwriting than the great Coolio. You have to admit when you were listening to the song part of you was screaming “Take it to the bridge!”

So it’s not particularly remarkable that Michelle and Ulrika are up (predicted as much – once Mutya left they were screwed). Only LaToya, the silent assassin escapes from being nominated. She regales fellow housemates with tales of her taking part in a cop based reality show in the States in which she had to deal with felons packing heat (big guns not the magazine – which is about the level we’d get over here). Unfortunately she keeps making me think of Sergeant Laverne Hooks in Police Academy.

In Big Brother’s continuing aim to theme tasks around eating disorders or food poisoning to help subliminally advertise the majority of their “real life documentary” shows, they present housemates with a chilli eating task, which includes Scotch Bonnet chillis (I once tried just a sliver of a raw Scotch Bonnet and had a burnt mouth for hours afterwards – and I love spicy food). Can’t help worrying for Verne, but he gamely goes ahead and chomps his capsicum (risking severe damage to his digestive tract). All the housemates eat at least one chilli, although Coolio KING OF THE KITCHEN is shamed by Michelle who eats all three. Wow!  To increase the pressure on their bowels Big Brother gives them a party (the drinkers should be getting through the booze pretty fast after that). Meanwhile Terry stoically whistles “Ring of Fire” (haha!), whilst Verne does a “I may be gone some time” trip to the lavvie.

Ulrika’s caught unawares by Coolio asking her how many of her kids are black and her “NONE!” sounds a bit too vehement. Fortunately he just seems to be offering her the chance of a brahhn baby (“You wanna come cuddle with me”) Ulrika points out that she’s ill (“I’d give you my disease” – I think it’s a cold not syphilis).

The 3 yanks discuss Michelle’s success at the task, concluding the evil cow is just playing a game and trying to win, unlike themselves who are only in there to seek spiritual enlightenment. Coolio thinks they will be the first three past the finishing line, with Verne in first (LaToya agrees). Coolio then retires to the ashtray with a clearly pissed Terry who’s up for drinking all the booze in the house because “it’s the right thing to do” (a man after my own heart). Tommy reprimands them both rather overly sternly and dourly for showing signs of tipsiness (as a none drinker he’s “used to seeing the tell tale signs”). Apparently Tommy used to be a pain in the arse at parties – now he just has no friends. Mind you his warning is possibly prescient as Terry manages to drunkenly slag off everyone who votes for Big Brother in a round-about-way . Tommy’s dissing Michelle for being a thick and Terry jumps in “Tommy when you criticise her…you’re criticising all the thick people who voted for you” (ha!), adding that he hopes Michelle wins as she “reflects who the people who vote are”. Hopefully the thicks won’t realise they’ve been slighted (As a thick who voted for Anna the lezza nun to win BB1 and Dirk Benedict to win the last CBB I have no idea what Terry was on about). Tommy won’t let go with his picking on a 29 year old woman (who Terry points out sagely had weight issues therefore has a confidence problem) who cries when out of her comfort zone when someone repeats behaviour that she finds upsetting. Terry gives up and rolls his eyes “Look at you being horrible to her!” he deadpans.

We go to the live feed of the housemates watching their film which is on a shouty bit so looks a tad Tarantino, then Davina’s face pops up on the screen, so it’s horror (bah since “Dead Set” that’s a pointless remark). Michelle screeches “I told you so!” and everyone else keeps schtum that it was a tad obvious given they nominated yesterday. Davina lets the tension build until Ulrika starts crying and then announces Michelle is leaving. You can see the calculation behind some eyes, notably Terry’s and LaToya’s.

Michelle seems less dim during her interview (unlike Davina who appears to be incapable of listening to answers of questions she has already fecking asked! Wonder why her chat show failed again?) and correctly guesses who nominated her (apart from saying Terry may have). She articulately points out that she can be immature and does cry at the drop of a hat at home, because she’s an over-sensitive person when she feels under attack ( if I’m given the right hormones, drink, movie or boyfriend I’m shoulders with her there – I cry at the News FFS!). When asked if her blubbing was a gameplan (not a good one seeing how many people it pissed off) she says if it was she should be “an actress like Tina” (a shit one?). She’s shown the clips of Tina spreading LaToya’s BenChelle gossip around and airily dismisses it, saying she knew Tina would be the sort of person who talked behind peoples backs. She didn’t love Ben – he just reminded her of her ex-husband (when that happens to me I get all killy) cos he’s a lovely bloke. Wonder if she’ll say that when she sees the ex has been talking to the papers about her infidelity? She seems to let slip some non-juicy non-gossip about Tommy fancying LaToya (I think Tommy would like women to be more like he percieves LaToya – but there’s about as much chemistry as an empty test-tube).

I like MIchelle suggesting that the real gossip should have been about the Coolio Crew if the basis for romance was spending time together (they should be accusing Terry, Tommy and Coolio of having “threesomes” in her opinion).  She likes Terry but doesn’t want to be lectured about where the coffee she is drinking came from. Baby murdering beeyatch! 😉  Given her apparent level of awareness her denial of meaning to compare Tina to a female ogre during “Shrekgate” wonderfully seems totally disingenuous.

Liking most: Terry (I could probably go for a drink with all of these people but would have the best laugh with Terry)
Liking and thinking he will win: Verne (especially as Channel 4 put Goldmember on afterwards, not at all influencing the votetowin now the lines are open – and he got most cheers by the studio crowd)
Mostly liking, sometimes annoyed by: Coolio, Ulrika
Ooooh she’s devious: LaToya
Disliking (but would still share a pint and a rant with): Tommy

Haha guess who I forgot!!!: Ben (he wasn’t booed by the endemolmob last night like Coolio, Tommy and Ulrika, instead there was just apathy)

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