Archives for category: 2009

First published 12th January 2009 on

Day 10 and Terry tries to make amends with Ulrika (“You got a bit of a cob on with me?”) but his cheeky Northern manner is cutting no ice, and Ulrika lays into him for criticising her when she was only trying to help everyone pass the aerobics task (“If that’s high handed then I’m high handed”) – managing to come across a little um high handed. Terry doesn’t help matters by admitting that he gets “a vibe” that she thinks she’s better than everyone else. What is this about really? Repressed lust? Class war? Or (most likely) Terry’s peeved that Ulrika’s negotiated the highest fee out of all the clebs? Big Brother cruelly edit what is probably a frustrated throwaway joke from Ulrika into her apparently saying that she IS better than everyone else. Oooh! (Handbag!). Later in the Diary Room, Terry expresses himself rather better. He’s upset for having upset Ulrika and points out that they’re alike in that they’re both “sarcastic, opinionated, misunderstood” (he laughs, hamming it up) and “missing our kids”. Shame he can’t just say that to Ulrika, as it could have thwarted a grade 10 Scandinavian sulk that casts a shadow over the first half of tonight’s show – and protected my eyes from the sight of Tina (scenting some shit to stir) comforting Ulrika by sitting on her bed and chewing her own toenails. Ugh!

Coolio’s loving the tension in the house and provides his own form of comfort to Terry by rubbing in how much he’s annoyed Ulrika (“She’s hot like MERCURY! You made an enemy” etc.

Whilst Ulrika skulks around the garden over-obviously avoiding Terry, Tina holds forth on yet another specialist subject, the internet. Whilst I have to agree with her on the using facebook to amass and communicate  with friends issue (“What’s wrong with the phone?”). Obviously that’s cos, like Coolio I have loads of top quality celeb chums. 😉 She also says the internet is still primarily used for porn. That depends on the user I guess 😉 Coolio has to leap in and boast childishly about the loads of women who send him nudie pictures via his Myspace ( Bless his heart that he just assumes that they’re all actually women. Ben gently reminds Tina that he met his last three girlfriends via facebook, prompting an “I’m not going to be rude to you” followed by a typically rude response from Tina.

Today’s task involes the yank contingent being tutored in all things Brit by the other housemates before answering a series of questions. To aid this shitizen test, Verne is dressed up like a little Beefeater, La Toya as a “Welsh” doll and Coolio gets to sport a rather natty kilt like Samuel L Jackson in “the 51st state” (he confides later in the Diary Room that he’s overjoyed to have finally grown big enough balls to wear one). Whilst Verne is taken through the nuances of Cockney rhyming slang (no “Canary Wharf” sadly) by Tommy and Ulrika (two none English housemates – nice move) and Mutya mumbles the “Queen’s English” to Coolio, Tina takes La Toya aside to privately patronise her with the scouse version of UK history. Geniusly the Americans are ushered through to partake of a traditional English roast turkey dinner accompanied by the traditional musical waxings of George Formby (Verne: “This sounds like country music”) and the Brits squeeze into shiny suits with electro shock pads, in the knowledge that they’ll recieve a shock for every question Coolio, Verne and La Toya get wrong. Why not give them orange jumpsuits and really make this Guantanamo Bay? Coolio’s team do pretty well considering, although fantastically La Toya manages to “fucker” up the “I’m not a pheasant plucker” tongue twister (Verne manages “Freshly fried frying fish” albeit in a bizarre mini Dick Van Dyke accent). Every shock of the disappointing few the housemates recieve is a joy – with Mutya managing to fly off the sofa gorgeously for each (whereas Tommy merely raises a leg like my dad farting in his sleep). “I’m gonna piss all over the floor!” screeches Tina charmingly by the third shock, afterwards adding “It’s not funny”. I’ll think you’ll find it is. The twitching housemates are finally informed they’ve passed and have won three tokens, but whoever’s manning the shock button can’t resist a final blast. Let’s face it – most of us would have just shocked the housemates randomly whatever answers were given.

The none story of the show rumbles on, with La Toya having used her time with Tina to speculate about two housemates she feels are definitely “falling in love”. Sadly it’s not Terry and Ulrika she’s talking about but BenChelle, but Tina’s quick to scent a chance to agitate the plop again – even kindly mentioning the fact that Michelle has had a relationship end because she was unfaithful in the past (“She shits herself cos she’s been caught out”). Later Tina approaches Ulrika with the exact same storyline (“just between us” hmmmm), adding that Michelle “protests too much” so she can look like a proper Shakespeare quoting actress and not like a malignant Jabba the Cunt, and the gossip AIDS spreads when she brings it up with an amused Terry in the ashtray. Of course it’s only Coolio who gets shit, because he just brazenly takes the piss out of Michelle and Ben (“If this was the American show at least TWO people would have shagged by now” – (probably six at the same time)). Ben moans in the Diary Room about how much Coolio’s non-stop innuendo is pissing him off and how he definitely doesn’t find Michelle attractive until I’m pleading with the screen “oh just shut the fuck up or tell Coolio that you’ve already had bum sex for Christs sake!”

Terry sums up why Coolio is attention seeking out of sheer boredom by pointing out that in the US show everyone would be mutually masturbating in a jacuzzi whilst swigging champagne and snorting coke off Verne’s head, but he’s come here to two cans of lager and everyone in bed by 10pm. On edited queue, Coolio emerges from a crap rap session (“I was born a poet” – and then someone beat it out of him) in the Diary Room to an empty living room. “I’m all alone again” he whines gruffly yet plaintively whilst searching for a surface to polish. Awww!

Liking lots: Coolio, Verne, Terry (who is currently explaining the off side rule patiently to a very baffled Coolio – tops!)
Liking: La Toya, Mutya
Confused by, but still liking: For the Hell of it: Ulrika
Warming to (apprehensively): Tommy (cos on the live show just now he was discussing David Hume and Adam Smith – bet that’s not going on the highlights!)
Bored by: BenChelle
Fukkhin Disghusted by: Tina


First published 11th January 2009 on

Confusingly Coolio still seems to be sleeping in the luxury bedroom and Mutya’s still surrounded by “hairy arse fellas” the next day, almost as though anything none irritating that Coolio does isn’t allowed to stand. Today it looks like the house have sussed him when Mutya and the rest manage to chat happily amongst themselves about groupies whilst blithely disregarding everything an increasingly frustrated Coolio tries to shout over them. Sadly they all choose not to learn from this magic moment and split into groups to bitch about Coolio, with Verne (“he’s just pushing buttons”), Mutya and Terry (“He’s had a lot of pain and betrayal in his life”) being the voices of reason and compassion, and La Toya (“I’m learning a lot from Coolio, especially new words”) the voice of a space cadet.

For the task the housemates have to do 80s style porno aerobics to that depressing Eric Prydz toon “Call on me”. Firstly they get to watch the video, with Coolio raising his eyebrows above his pipecleaner hair at the first point one of the workout lovelies shows off her kidneys to camera. Ulrika is made coreographer by Big Brother thanks to her back ache (which she’s already established in conversation with Veren is just the same as being disabled). Tina’s miffed “I could have been coreographer” she strops, knowing that she’d have been far more accomplished at sitting on her arse barking orders. Considering we later find that Verne’s constantly on painkillers because of his condition (he answers Tommy’s questions about dwarfism and gives us all a handy “Midget spotting” crash course) it seems unfair that he has to do the full task. They all much in gamely apart from Coolio who winds Ben and Michelle up from the sidelines by accusing Ben of staring at Michelle’s arse (everyone is staring at Michelle’s arse, and Ben doesn’t exactly deny it (“I’m er checking out…the routine)), and Tommy who’d rather be playing football (Ulrika suspects he may have “trouble hearing a beat” – the nicest euphemism for a retard I’ve heard for ages). Rather sweetly Verne (who spends a lot of the rehearsals lying by himself in the middle of the room whilst everyone is off crying or sulking – looking a bit like Stuey out of Family Guy) offers to tell Coolio that he “was looking at Michelle’s ass”. Ben’s aware of what a wimp he’s coming across as by not telling Coolio where to go “I feel like the most boring person to have ever graced the Big Brother screen” he says ever so slightly needily. The group make a game effort at the task (although Coolio appears to strain a muscle towards the end, curling up with a pained expression), and pass. Winning three tokens.

Within five minutes apparently it’s down to two tokens and sadly Terry’s the culprit. He’s lost his temper a tad (as far as Terry can – so he still seems mellow compared to anyone else) with Ulrika being all head girl-ish and miserable during the task, and confides (foolishly) to Tina at the ashtray that he sometimes feels that Ulrika acts like she’s better than everyone else and that he thinks she’s moderated her behaviour in order to get nominated – therefore he definitely won’t be manipulated into nominating her. He does seem a bit obsessed by Ulrika’s fee (in fact wasn’t it Terry who suggested Lucy left first as she was paid the least?). Tina doesn’t exactly leap to her grate celebrity mate Ulrika’s defence, preferring to make it all about herself. “I could nominate five people now” she declares triumphantly. “I couldn’t get five” says Terry. “I could” smugs Tina, “and they’d be the same five you’d have!”. Despite the latter clearly also being a statement that Tina would not nominate Ulrika, it’s Terry who’s hauled into the Diary Room and fined one token for breaking the rules by discussing nominations. He comes clean to the house, but of course it only makes things even worse with Ulrika (who’s relationship with Terry is starting to look like a bad rom com).

It looks like Tina’s gotten away with it as she “comforts” Ulrika in the bedroom (“I said ‘I think she’s great'” – ooh you lying cow!). “I don’t repeat anything – you can tell me what you want” weedles Tina unconvincingly. “I think he fancies me” Ulrika ponders, hastily adding an “only joking!”. Ulrika seems to have totally sussed out that they have a personality clash, and should just settle at that, but of course has to pick away at her wounded pride. Meanwhile Terry’s hoping outside that Ulrika’s not still upset about him nominating her for an “inflated ego” which he’s already explained was totally manipulated by Big Brother. Back in the bedroom (nice edit!) Ulrika’s moaning on that Terry’s always had it in for her – recalling the “ego” nomination. Oh FFS! Tina feels she hasn’t said enough so starts digging herself a hole “I said I could name five people to nominate – but you’re not one of them.” All together now – D’OH!!!!!!!!!

Tina’s promptly called to the Diary Room, where she’s still complaining that she hasn’t discussed nominations, even after Big Brother repeat the relevant phrases back to her. She tries the Terry approach of honestly facing the music about why she’s lost them another token,. but of course fails (“I didn’t mention any names! On my father’s grave I never mentioned a single name!”). Six foot under the surface of Merseyside Frank Malone is doing somersaults.

Liking most: Verne, Coolio, Terry
Liking a little: Ben, Mutya, Ulrika (someone has to), La Toya
Not really warming to: Michelle, Tommy
Loathing: Tina Malone

First published 10th January 2009 on

It’s Day 8’s highlights – so clearly I’ve gotten confused somewhere. Big Brother have sneakily taken all the food from the house, so housemates have to survive on a packed lunch (or kill and eat Tina Malone in a ‘Lord of the Flies’ mix of extreme violence and desperation. It falls to Ulrika to deliver the shopping list (based on £1 per head) where she’s rather optimistically asked for two hot water tokens (which cruelly have been increased to £25 each). When Big Brother points out that this is nigh impossible, she goes all “gzzzt gzzzt does not compute” and swops a token for a Big Brother Surprise Special Prize, leaving them with no tokens. From the other housemates reactions, she may as well have come back with some “magic beans”.

Tina’s not being selfish but she can’t drink tea coffee or booze and she can’t eat turkey or rice – cos she looks like a woman who’s careful about what goes into her mouth (certainly not about what comes out). She’s happy if all she gets is cornflakes and toast – and hot water. Oops. This gives her a chance to whinge to Terry about Ulrika’s evil selfish ways (“I only wanted hot water”).

Poor old Mutya seems to be having what a very unreconstructed male friend of mine calls a “blob strop”, and is down about the lack of hot chocolate and munchies – plus the fact she can’t enter the Diary Room when she wants to, only when Big Brother calls her. I actually feel for her, and she’s not too over-emotional about feeling like shit. Of course Tina tries to jump on the “poor Mutya” train in order to try and manipulate the power balance in the house. Firstly she appears to be saying that she’s “due on” too. Hang on – I’m sure she was wibbling on about “still bleeding” during the week. Tina Malone IS permanent menstrual tension. Then when Terry’s Heaqd of House status is removed and he’s sent into the non luxury bed vacated by Lucy, Mutya happens to mention she isn’t keen on sharing with only blokes. Tina’s immediately on a mission to get someone to swop beds cos Mutya’s “Only a young girl” who doesn’t want to share with “hairy arsed men”. So why doesn’t Tina swop? She’d fit in OK. Anyhow she tries passively aggressivly guilting the housemates (“Anyone got any suggestions for this?”) until Coolio does the math (“Ben don’t wanna leave Michelle so I’ll leave Ben” – which earns him evils from poor Michelle) and swops with surprisingly little fuss (which annoys Tina no end! She was looking forward to making sure Coolio looked bad). Later in the Diary Room Tina volunteers Mutya (without her knowledge) for Head of House status, based on the fact she feels that she can influence Mutya during their ashtray bonding sessions (during which Mutya looks mostly bored), but to her chagrin, Big Brother inform her there is now no such vacancy. Amusingly, later Coolio suggests to camera that he be made Head of House, as it will make great TV, and starts informing the others how things would be under his “regime” (“No socialism, no democracy, no monarchy – just a DICK-tatorship!”).

Tina manages to get Lucy, Ulrika and Mutya together in the luxury bedroom so she can bitch about Coolio, who’s in the Diary Room like a big naive wuss bless him (“I never thought they would talk about me when I wasn’t there.. I thought they had more cojones!” After all, he’s only trying to “break the monotony” (and some of the housemates it seems) with his “spirited banter”. Back out he starts bossing around the “Women of the house!” to boil kettles to warm his shower up (?) and Tina (who’s been promising she’s going to lose it on Coolio and put him in his place for days now) runs out to the garden for “a ciggie, before I lose the plot.”

The eviction takes place, and Ulrika’s crying jag seems to start and end extremely quickly just before and after the announcement that Lucy will be leaving according to the edit. Maybe she was expecting to be evicted and hoping for sympathy from the booing crowds. Half an hour later she’s having a little sniffle in the kitchen and whilst everyone else figures she’d rather be alone of course Coolio goes over. And is rather sweet, offering her juice and trying to buoy her up “You beat a girl half your age so the GBP must like you..” He reassures her that she’ll be working for ages after this, doing an amusing impersonation of her as a wisened hunchback old granny doing the weather – which sends her semi flouncing away (she should be grateful that’s all Coolio knows she’s famous for, or he’d have been writhing around on the floor). Later in the diary room, Ulrika seems to be genuinely flaked out by being away from her family and thankful for the empathy her housemates showed her (“I’m not always good at taking that comfort..but I was grateful for every little pat on the shoulder”), claiming she’s surprised to still be there and yet is “hoping I’ll continue to be surprised.” All of which makes me more confused than ever about Ulrikakaka.

In other news Ben warms the cockles of women with drawers full of greying period knickers everywhere by claiming he doesn’t like women in sexy underwear and prefers them to be comfortable (to both Coolio and Michelle’s disbelief). Ben uses the analogy of a Christmas present “Does it matter if it’s wrapped in amazing paper or not?” (Michelle: “Er yes”). Ben treats his women like his xmas pressies – he likes to shake them, rip the wrapping off and then play with the box. You heard it here first.

Liking lots: Terry, Verne and (I can’t help it) Coolio
Liking: Mutya, Ben, Ulrika
Pitying: La Toya
Disliking: Tommy, Michelle
Loathing: Tina “Pigsy” Malone


First published 9th January 2009 on

It’s live eviction night so therefore Davina lets loose with the non comedy, singing “So Shreksy” in honour of Tina Mallone cos her finger is right on the pulse of the script that some assistant producer who trawls through the Sun’s Big Brother Forums has handed her (it must be the Sun – she got the crowd to boo Lucy for not getting her baps out – way to go Sistah!).

Highlights from the house include the Papparazzi team fresh from their failure to correctly Pap and spot Michael Barrymore (I hope he was being lowered towards the swimming pool) today have a near miss with anorexic ment fest Nikki Graham, who thankfully is not allowed to speak (screech) and is reduced to shaking her head sadly when Coolio pleads “Can’t you tell us your name?”, until Tina finally drags her gut out and stops bellowing “WHO IS IT?” enough to clock the photo Lucy took and correctly get the name of what Lucy terms “that little thin girl off Big Brother”.

Coolio’s on a self professed one man crusade to rob everyone of the will to live until they crawl gasping and blubbing out of the house, an aim that everyone with a sense of humour (Verne, Terry, Mutya even Ulrika) takes with a pinch of salt – but which sends Lucy scuttling sobbing to the lavvy after a mere 23.5 hours of mental torture and c-rap punctuated by Ricky Gervais style ear shrieking. Lightweight! Ulrika merely tuts round like a milfy nanny admonishing a wayward charge “Please give some consideration to people who are not as insane as you.” A sweetly worried La Toya uses strange Jacko eye twitching code to warn Coolio that almost everyone in the house apart from Terry wants him out, but he is blithely unconcerned and still determined to make the fakeahs quit, and goes off to playfully sexually harrasss (I mean chat up) the ladeez of the house with his smooth talkin lines (“I got my baby oil”, “Damn you smell good woman” “Bitch I’ll elbow you in the face” (according to Lucy hmmm) – making Michelle and Lucy cringe and Mutya giggle.

Tommy also seems oblivious to Coolio’s annoy-athon (he will crack though mark my words), instead focusing ridiculously on sounding gangsta in any interaction with the man. Trying to guilt trip a rap star out of bed by whining “That’s not mah home boy”  is really reaching for the ethnic vote Tom.

La Toya asks Ulrika about her kids, which leads to some confusion over who fathered which, bless. “Let me draw you a little tree” Ulrika laughs self deprecatingly. La Toya’s got her hands full trying to teach unreconstructed Glasgee man Tommy the ice skating routine for their part of the test. A fractious Tommy’s pretending not to take it seriously because he’s doing shit and hates having a woman tell him what to do. Even Coolio advises him wisely to follow La Toya rather than the couple on the demo dvd – as otherwise they will be out of synch. Of course Coolio has to follow up those sage words by loudly demonstrating exactly how HE would do the routine. During the routine everyone laughs and hoots as Tommy gurns, randomly slurs “Ohh baby baby” and wobbles in his pepper pot costume and salty La Toya tries her best to fit in around his moves and get it right. Tommy turns to her smugly as the end “See why I wasn’t taking rehearsals seriously?” he smirks nastily, proving that he’s been taking everything rather too seriously.

Verne’s in the Diary Room and I’m suppressing my “ahhhh” reflexes as he lies back – fitting perfectly into the chair like an egg in a cup. He’s sussed out the “Coolio thing…getting a rise out of everyone” but seems pretty relaxed on the whole, perhaps even over relaxed (“Sorry I farted.”).

The task is (almost surprisingly failed), although Verne & Ulrika and Benchelle (cruelly forced to act as a celebrity couple and “adopt” 7 screaming plastic babies (which they amusingly give names like “Table” and “Knife & Fork” the twins) – surely a task for Ulrika) pass; the Paps and cult of Chest Knee Hawk (a supremely unbovvered Terry and Mutya) fail – and Coolio blows his cool by buggering off to the ashtray for a sulky smoke. La Toya and Tommy, as the baldy yin failed to correctly complete any of his assigned steps in the routine. The arrogant tosspot has the grace to cough and stare blankly off into the distance.

Davina’s shrieking live into the house whilst Ulrika mysteriously blubs (perhaps truly scared of being booed by the GBP), but brightens up when Lucy is evicted. Even the boos are apathetic as the Tory titrack leaves the house, Davina capering around her like a hunchback with St Vitus dance as she pozes for the real paps. Davina moans that Lucy didn’t get nekkid, but Lucy has some good excuses (“I didn’t have hair straighteners” – wow maybe you should shave!) – also she hadn’t fake tanned. Davina gurgles smugly “She’s just like the rest of us!” Yes we’re all vapid bigots who have old men sploodging over our photos. Lucy didn’t like Ben or Coolio (surprise!) that much, liked Terry and admits Tina Mallone is a gobshite.

It’s so dull and backslurpy (and you just KNOW Davina will try to rip unto Ulrika cos she hates any woman she considers an intellectual challenge – which is most of us) we’re very quickly back to the house to hear a group convo about who Jack the Ripper was, with Tina trying and failing to look clever with a confused conspiracy story that is basically the plot of every shit Ripper film evah and  still whinging that a scouser was once accused. That must have been AFTER they figured out the victims had internal organs missing.

It’s nominations on Monday and I’m hoping it will be Coolio versus Tina Mallone – as I think we all know who will win that one – and sadly Tina has no idea that she’s much more annoying than Coolio – and he’s trying his best!

Liking: Terry, Verne, Coolio (yes he’s a nobbend but I think it’s all for Tina’s ‘benefit’), Ben, Ulrika, Mutya, La Toya (I know – how boring is this?!!)
Disliking: Tommy, Michelle
Just ignore her and she’ll go away – oh bugger she’s still there: Tina

Oh FFS of the day: “I nearly piss shit and vomited all at the same time” – Tina describes her last sexual experience (or something) – ugh anyway

First published 8th January 2009 on

There isn’t going to be a blog tonight. Well not a proper one. As I missed the show. But – having gone on for ages to a friend on the phone about the various characters in the show – part of me is wondering if I am incapable of blogging when all seems mostly alright in the house.

OK Tina Mallone makes me ashamed to be from Liverpool and Tommy seems to be a bit touchy feely unreconstructed and Lucy is an inane and harmless Nazi.

But I always thought I would hate Terry Christian after the word (I recall laughing at a Rob Newman gag listing Terry as one of the victims he wouldn’t have minded Hindley and Brady spending a few more weeks out of custody for. Sick and wrong I know – but I laughed at the time) – and now I seem to be seeing him as some sort of Big Brother Christ Figure. I’d hoped to like Ulrika after Shooting Stars (which lets face it still took the piss out of her for being a “slag” despite her being funny and talented enough to do the best piss-take of Nigella Lawson I’ve seen) but she’s a bit more complex and paranoid (and therefore realistic) than I’d expected. I’d have written off Coolio as a twat, but I see him as a genuinely nice guy (who can be a twat, well can’t we all?). The young uns all have redeeming niceness. La Toya is mental but has good reason (if we believe her) and is strangely loveable.

All I’m saying is there seems to be no cuntsoup to stir.

That’s not to say I won’t be watching and commenting, but if there are gaps it’s because I’m working out where to live and stuff.

Anyhow I can’t do my chart of hits to shits tonight if I hvaen’t seen the show – if I get to see the repeat in the morning I’ll get on the case.

Blindly of course the list of faves goes something like this:

La Toya

First published 7th January 2009 on

Coolio apologises rather sweetly to a massively backtracking Michelle, who wasn’t crying at all, and if she was it wasn’t cos of Coolio (she’s got that right) and her boyfriend trusts her “100% without a doubt”. Coolio lets slip that Tommy gave him a stern talking to and made him feel all immature like a naughty homey. “Sometimes I wish I could cry” deadpans Coolio. He MUST be taking the piss.

Ulrika in the Diary Room expresses sympathy for that wilting wallflower Tina who is apparently being oppressed by Coolio’s loudness and vulgarity. Back in the bedroom, where Coolio’s breaking the ice by flirting shamelessly again, there’s the dulcet tones of the shrieking scouse shrek’ess: “English women need to be PISSED to FUCK!!!”  Lord, every day amongst those beastly men must be such a delicate struggle.

La Toya’s letting slip more juicy family secrets including the time the local Jehovah’s Witnesses forbade young Michael to talk to her non-believing sister until Marlon Brando told Michael “That’s your sister, forget the religion!” (how many “fuggin”s do you think she censored there?), and he promptly switched to a different Kingdom Hall so he could continue living a lie in the eyes of his god. Oh what japes there must have been being a Jackson. La Toya moves onto her philosophy of life, and the fact there MUST be life on other planets, whilst Tommy looks afraid, very afraid in an eyes glazing “Oh fuck I’ve never thought about this and I don’t want to now” stylee.

Thankfully we cut to Coolio loudly wowing everybody else with a time he sort of told Prince to go fuck himself. Go Coolio!

King Terry devises the perfect solution to going for ciggies without being carried by calling “Verne cabs” and clambering aboard the mobility scooter (“Mind the robes!”) whilst Verne drives (“Have you got your leg over yet?”, “I’ll make a royal pronouncement”). To be frank the whole programme could have consisted of Verne cabs and I’d be happy. Maybe Verne will get a role and an iconic business in Eastenders next. I’d tune in to watch him ferry mad slappers or doomed bad boys away to their final doom as the drum beats went.

Ben seems to be like a few boyfriend’s I’ve had – he’s dated women off facebook and likes women who order the cheapo stuff on the menu. Sadly Ben is also too nice and polite to moan when they take the piss and thus ended up on a date from hell where he spent nearly £200 on his date’s food – and – when it was clear she wasn’t going to pay – took her on to a bar until 3am. Hang on Ben, rewind there. If you thought she was taking the piss – you can only have taken her elsewhere cos you thought you were getting your end away. Brilliantly as soon as he ferried her back to his place she got all Yoko Ono and insisted they wrote a song together. I wonder if she’s still on his “friends” list. Lucy tuts and “oooh no”s through this, but we all know she’s either taking notes or thinking Ben had a cheap date.

Poor La Toya is given the most inappropriate job by a sarcastic sighing Big Brother of dressing up as a scary Jester with Austin Powers teeth and making King Terry laugh – and is told that if she succeeds the house will win a party (Eh? it’s bad enough asking a real comedian to tell a joke but this is mean). Fortunately he just cracks up warmly at the first sight of her, but it gets painful later when she tries to be a jive talkin jester (“You got two hos rubbin on you” etc etc) as he lazes around getting massaged by Ulrika and Lucy (“ten years ago it MIGHT have given me a lob on”). It’s almost a relief when Tina bursts in – having been set the task of bathing King Terry (along with Coolio and er Mutya I think – bloody freeview kept freezing up). Tina didn’t like the thought of La Toya muscling (or being forced to muscle) in on HER god given limelight, so organises bath time with the shouty efficiency of an Auschwitz shower attendant. Coolio’s just pissed off at being bossed around by Tina and takes it out on Terry’s back with the loofah (“I’m the royal scrubber!”). La Toya wonders off alone, a sad scary jester.

The house win the party regardless of which bloody task they actually pass and win their party, and it gets all deja vous whilst most of last night’s live bit is shown giving me time to have a bicker with the boyfriend. Terry tries to explain how his nominations actually worked, and at first Ulrika seems a bit funny, but all that matters is that Terry doesn’t give a shit and it looks as though Ulrika can’t either as she’s only in it for the cash (although she comes across as more brittle, cold and possibly bothered than Terry’s warmly unarsedness) – I’m impressed her agent managed to wrangle such a big fee for something she’s not really all that involved in.

Tommy however goes uber weird and becomes the subject of much more huddled whispering than Terry ever could in the house. When dancing with Michelle he makes an off-hand comment about it looking like they might be attracted and how they’d best be careful as they both have partners outside of the house. This is probably meant as a joke, but Tommy’s not great at comedy when he’s pissed. Michelle either doesn’t get or chooses not to get the joke, and unwilling to fess up to being unamusing, Tommy starts the most excruciating pissed up monologue ever. Anyone who’s ever been a teenage girl and had one of their dad’s drunken mates earnestly and slightly unnervingly slur “You’re such a great girl… b..but you’ve got to be careful in life…” etc etc at you will recognise Tommy’s speech. He’s like an inebriated Glaswegian Alan Partridge. I’ve only just stopped cringing. Ouch!

Anyhow… cancel the show now as the winners for me are: Terry, Verne, Coolio
Liking: Ben, Mutya, Ulrika (she’s even more confusing than I expected mind), La Toya
Meh: Michelle
Oh dear: Tommy
Ouch: Lucy
Arrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!: Tina

Quote of the Night:

“You shouldn’t find this humiliating if you were in A1” – Terry to Ben (is Terry after a job on Buzzcocks?)

First published 6th January 2009 on

Day 4 saw Ulrika and Tina continuously whinging over Coolio’s imperialist chicken marination. Bless Coolio, he does act like a big ignorant oaf – but what exactly is it stopping people telling him things to his face rather than moaning about him for hours in the bedroom in the dark, in case he gets medieval on their bitch asses or something?

La Toya’s giving a shellshocked Ben further revelations of a marriage straight out of the Waterstones “painful lives” section. It’s almost so hideous (enforced marriage, beatings, slavery etc – I mean fortunately ex-evil-hubby is dead as otherwise surely he’d have to be arrested on the back of this) that I end up laughing hysterically when she smilingly concludes this atrocity exhibition with the line “Anyhow that’s the answer to your question ‘have you ever been married?'”. La Toya does not do Yes/No answers, clearly.

But wait a minute, some people have had it really tough. Here’s Tina Mallone to remind us why her childhood makes “A child called it” look like “Little lord Fauntleroy”  as she confides in Ulrika that her family used to make her feel like a loud embarrassing loser, but fortunately she got over their traumatic realism by thinking “positively” (“I would argue with everyone”) and relying on her “intellect”.(“I wasn’t hit with the beauty stick”). But Tina hasn’t got low self esteem, despite the odds. She doesn’t envy “pretty women” at all cos she knows deep down that everyone wants to fuck her because she looks “dirty” (yes but not in THAT way Tina!). She only shuts up when Verne movingly describes Heath Ledger’s accidental death – although if she could claim to have accidentally shat herself to death after a senna OD, she would!

Coolio’s on a mission to wind the women up today, starting with asking them if they’d shag a man without money. When Lucy starts to say she would he elucidates (“I mean a broke muthafucka!”) and she admits she wouldn’t fuck “a bum”. Later he tests the air between Ben and Michelle, using an increasingly suggestive (OK facetious) series of questions to intimate whether romance would be on the cards with them (to be fair he admits that he is just a “shit starter”). Ben’s reassuringly blank to Coolio’s query of whether he has a girlfriend (“I think so.. I’m not sure…”) but Michelle’s a tad more adamant that she’s got a (probably insanely jealous) boyfriend out there thank you very much. Don’t know why Coolio’s making such an effort when all he needs to do is shuffle around rapping and marinating chicken and the womenfolk are “well I never”ing and tutting like old ladies watching someone with 11 items in their basket join the wrong queue in Tesco.

I still think Coolio redeems himself during the impressions task, when he and Verne hilariously pair up to take each other off. Coolio seems to be having the time of his life doing do-nuts in Verne’s mobility scooter, doing the Mini Me finger and shouting “I can do things for myself! I’m a grown man! Leave me alone!”. Verne’s just as good at swearing and holding court in a Coolio stylee, for example boasting about his kids “I got FIVE kids. Coolio Junior, So Cool Coolio, another one, er Coolio Orang Utan” (Channel 4 still trying to work out if that one’s racist or an amusing name involving a ginger primate), adding “Yeah they’re good kids…. I just like to PUNCH them!” before sexually harrassing Tommy’ sd ecent (if disturbing) whispery La Toya (“Yeah that’s the way I like it! Work it baby!”.

Mutya has Tina’s chain smoking know it all shoutyness spot on (not quite sure about Tina’s Mutya which seems to involve dressing in a sack and talking like Dick Van Dyke). Michelle rather cruelly has Lucy’s inanity down to a tee (“I didn’t wanna get em ahtt”) and Lucy knows it – but is sadly incapable of adding an insightful impersonation to the passable Geordie accent she musters, so sits there cringing and whining in North Easterly. Ulrika is paired with Ben and asked to name the A1 singles. “Erm, ‘Caught in the middle’, ‘Caught in a bubble’ and er ‘ Caught with a stick'” she deadpans.

All this funniness merely earns Terry the chance to dress as a racial stereotype whilst eating Thai food and drinking beer (my idea of a perfect night in). To his credit he does ask if he can share the prize, before the lure of green curry and yellow stella takes over (“Well really they should thank me.. if anyone else had been head of house they’d have been at each others throats”), and he suggests Big Brother play his feast on the big telly before emotionally suggesting Big Brother “despite their reassuring deviousness” are one of the best bosses he’s had for 20 years. I’d have sold out for some spare ribs to be fair. Terry emerges with the evidence (empty beer bottles) and no attempt to deny that he’s been boozing and scoffing to an incredibly unamused Ulrika (Terry (smirking beerily)”It’s cos you lot did so well!”) who shoots him evils along with Tina.

Terry’s had the slightly more onerous task of choosing the “Most insincere housemate”, and to this end Big Brother asks him to choose three housemates (that aren’t already nominated bah!) so he can choose to watch them talking about him before making his choice. Sadly it must be that he has to pick out of one of the people he’s viewed rather than use this as a guide (I miss the rules cos my ear’s gone a bit weird). He picks Ben, Michelle and Mutya giving the reason that they’re young and therefore possibly influenced by the older celebs and more likely to be themselves in the diary room or something. Sadly for him they all turn out to say they love him (although Michelle’s a tad insincere regarding Coolio and now seems to blame him solely for “Shrek-gate”), and Ben gets his sense of humour and the fact he’s taking the piss out of Tommy. Mutya is refreshingly humble and sweet about her music chats with Terry (“It’s nice to talk to someone who knows a lot more than you”) and Terry realises his tactics have backfired somewhat and he loves all the children of the house (“I’m gonna cry”). He banks on the girl children and gaymos of Britain keeping Ben in – and nominates him cos he should be safe (“And be my buddy” – awww!).

It’s a live show tonight where apparently the housemates will be played Terry nominating them to make him out to be some evil Manciavellian figure – despite the brilliant and thoughtful way he’s played this task (although he HAS failed to nom Tina Malone so something’s gone hideously wrong). Of course Big Brother will probably switch the rules given that their most expensive cash cow celeb (Ulrikakaka according to Saturday’s Graun) is up for eviction – so the hint is that the housemates get the chance to save one nominee. I don’t mind too much as long as Ben stays – Terry needs a buddy.

Liking: Terry, Verne, Coolio
Warming to: Mutya, Ben, La Toya (although enough of the scary marriage stories!)
Going off (apart from when she’s funny): Ulrika
Not keen on: Michelle, Tommy
Disliking: Lucy
Disliking with a passion: Tina


Part 2:


With typical Big Brother ability to ruin an anticipated moment we continue with Day 4’s “highlights” after half an hour with the much more entertaining Zombie Davina. It transpires that Coolio is just a big old slightly insensitive pussy cat and Michelle is just a tad paranoid about how her boyfriend will perceive what now looks like her attraction to Ben (seeing as it took her until everyone else was asleep to run to the Diary room (All this came after some low level flirting between Ulrika, Tina and Ben, who played along rather gamely (“If you’re up for quick, disappointing sex, I’m your man”) – and Michelle seemed a bit weepy during this thanks to the damn edit) and complain about Coolio being a meanie). On the way out she passes Tom, who despite being deep in discussion about yoof crime with Terry and Coolio, notices the gob on her and asks her what’s wrong so he can give her a pervy I mean fatherly hug. She mutters something about family things and rushes off, leaving the blokes at first taking her sweetly at face value until Coolio susses and seems genuinely bewildered and concerned that he’s upset her and promises to apologise, whilst Tom and Terry point out she’s not been with the new boyfriend long – so clearly there’s no trust there or something.

The excitement continues with the housemates gathered into the lounge, where the voice of Big Brother directs Ulrika, Lucy and Ben via the Diary room into a poky cupboard where they can watch events unfold on screen. “I knew it” mumbles Ulrika moodily as it’s revealed that Terry was secretly nominating. Rather cruelly Big Brother makes it out that Terry has chosen them for being “Biggest ego”, “Least talented” and “Least integrity”, which you’d hope they’d suss weren’t his words, but Ulrika looks like she’s found a turd in her meatballs.The others except Terry, who’s still dressed as king, have to pick a housemate to save from the public vote:

Coolio: Ben (otherwise he fears there’s “too many women” in da house)
La Toya: Ben, the two of us need look no more!
Michelle (after some giggling): Ben (phew, thought she was gonna try a double bluff there)
Mutya: Lucy (oh well)
Tina (looking very unhappy to have made mates with the wrong person): Ulrikaka
Tommy: BEN!!!!
Verne (after a none comedy moment where Big Brother tells him to stand up too – “I AM standing up”): Ben

Ulrika rather cannily points out that nobody back in the house knew that they could see what was said, but Lucy appears to blab right away that they’ve seen all, so so much for the intrigue. So up for eviction this week – it’s Lucy (who cost Endemol about £30,000)  versus Ulrika (who cost them £175,000) – having taken the genuinely popular and increasingly likeable Ben out of the mix. Hmmmm.

Still Liking: Coolio, Terry, Verne
Warming to even more: Ben
Warming to a bit: Mutya, La Toya
For gods sake woman retain your famous Swedish sense of humour! Oh: Ulrika
Not really liking: Michelle, Tommy
Disliking: Lucy
Despairing of: Tina

First published January 5th 2009 on

Day 3 and Coolio’s the man, or so he’s telling the lovely Lucy. “You had a man like me you wouldn’t need no other man,” he purrs, leaving me wondering whether his conquests resort to lesbioticism, bestiality or suicide. Fortunately Ulrika’s on hand to puncture Coolio’s demo of his “signature gangsta stroll” (“You’re walking as if your balls are too heavy.”). Even Verne has a go, doing his immitation of a “black dude” walking “like he’s just done farting”, which Coolio laughs off heartily (he knows that at least he can “do stairs”).

I can’t help finding Coolio an absolute hoot – with his tall tales of sexual conquest (lost virginity in a threesome at 12, although when Ulrika suggests he’s talking out his arse he admits he didn’t master penetration until he was 15 (“she was like ‘Oh that hurts I was like ‘TAKE IT!'”- cue editor cutting to Tina stuffing a chicken!). He’s just a big adolescent boy, as his 37 minute monologue on his shagventures – culminating in a list of places he’s done the deed in (places like “Moscow” and “Canberra” rather than “in the bum”) – which leaves Ulrika’s eyes rolling around in their sockets like spinning tops and Tina and Michelle mocking him disbelievingly. Ben of course is still agog about everything Coolio does. I bet he’s developing a signature mince right now.

Tina turns on Ulrika with the disgust of a woman genuinely sad to be surrounded by thinner prettier females when the latter dares to moan how Michelle and Lucy manage to be much more glamorous and wear much more make-up (ha! miaow!). “Oh fuck off you’ve had four kids” snaps our fun-lovin’ Scouse, “you look better than I thought you would!” Mind you Tina knows that whilst she can’t compete with the beauty and breastage on display in the house, she still has a great arse and minge. (“I’ve got a tight arse but tits like spaniels ears.”). Honestly they’re like “two sacks of golf balls” since she lost all that weight. Delightful. Considering her rather strange self image I’m presuming her fanny is actually Cavern Walks. Still Tina points out that not everyone can be beautiful and (Ulrika tries to help out with clever but no) have a GREAT BODY. “Body off baywatch face off crimewatch” she giggles to herself, delighted by her original wit straight from the pages of Viz 15 years ago. I’m not sure which one Tina is purporting to have. Was there ever a manatee decapitated on either show?

Terry’s given details of a talent test in the Diary Room – but he’s seriously considering jacking his Head of House status in and taking the consequences. Big Brother inform him that he’ll lose his bedroom and be up for eviction if he tells the other housemates all “in a fit of guilt” at which he decides “it’s only a game” and cracks on. Coolio, Mutya, Ben, Michelle and La Toya all have to do songs. Poor Verne has to do a Scene from Romeo and Juliet with Tina. Ulrika has to do the weather, Tommy a political speech and Lucy gets to espouse her fascinating views on the labour party in her pants (“It’s news in briefs” she tells Ben. “Wot, is it really short?” he gasps). I have no idea what Terry gets to do (being a professional Manc?).

Coolio demonstrates how he doesn’t need to rehearse Gangstas Paradise by doing a shit version in the Diary Room, and enters the bedroom just in time to hear Michelle commenting that Tina in her ill fitting medieval “Juliet” dress looks like “the princess in Shrek”. Oh spot on! (Although she also has a touch of nursey in Blackadder whilst disguised as a cow with 12 flapping udders). Rightly Coolio collapses into heartily appreciative laughter – unfortunately Tina enters the bedroom and demands to know what’s going on. Coolio is an utter tact vacuum and spills the Shrekky beans, for Michelle to go all spineless and deny that she knew that Princess Fiona was an ogre and state it was only cos the dress was similar. Shamefully Ben backs her up and throws all the blame on Coolio for laughing (yes yes it was Coolio who thought she looked like a green ogre – no-one else). To be honest I think Tina should take any further such compliments gracefully rather than storming off to the ashtray huffing “I’m no troll.. anyway I don’t give a fuck!” after giving Coolio a look that suggests that although he might be a gangsta she once bit the head off one of the Noggsie’s pitbulls or something.

La Toya practices “Wanna be starting something” in her wistful little girls voice, making me want to listen to the bit that appears to be going on about “Your vegetable” again. And it’s time for the show. Coolio cruises boredly through Gangsta’s Paradise, whilst Terry grins like a loon. Verne appears to forget his lines either deliberately (so he isn’t seen to be doing a love scene with Tina who is smirking like a Cheshire cat inside the jaws of an insane fat woman) or out of disgust. (Someone on the Guardian Big Brother forum suggested Coolio should have re-enacted R Kelly’s “trapped in the Closet” with Verne as the midget. Genius idea – Tina could have been Bridgett and smeared cherry pie over her chops!) Ulrika starts to um her way through the weather, Coolio’s face a perfect “What the fuck” in the background until she does a noble and up tight little speech about being really famous for being a slag and proud of it, and then he’s whooping and fisting the air. Mutya probably gives the best vocals of the night (her or La Toya) but it’s not a great achievement, whilst Coolio senses attention being taken away from him and launches into a rapey tie dance like an uncle on Scotch and Viagra. Ben’s next camping it up in a leather westcut and suspiciously loud backing track that makes it look like he’s miming. Nah! Then it’s Lucy’s turn to show her claim to fame, but there’s sadly not even a glimpse of a torytit as she wears jumper and pants to deliver ill-thought out views (“not a big fan” of the Labour party). I’ve heard stupider students wearing less clothes espousing Daily Mail sentiments without any critical analysis in seminars less than a month ago (true – female student in hot pants and see thru top doing a BA in politics and child care told the entire class that we weren’t allowed to send Christmas cards in schools now for fear of offending muslims and blacks. mind you – she was from the Isle of Wight!) woman – buck your ideas up or get your baps out.  Terry looks like his decision is made, as she embarrassingly and worse dully talks about going to Afghanistan being so rewarding (yes getting your norks out for squaddies in a country where their presence contributes towards women having to continue wearing the burka for fear of reprisals must be tops) and being found on Bournemouth Beach (“like a beached whale” – same episode as Tina then). Michelle then murders a song and lapdances a spellbound Tommy in a shiny PVC catsuit. Lucy looks mortified – Tommy didn’t even express an interest in her pants!

It’s Tommy’s turn and he reprises a socialist worker rant about the USA – which seems to forget that we can’t carry on going about Dubya for much longer. La Toya looks mortified as he gets all angry and Scottish about her warmongering nation, but Coolio loves it, whooping and cheering (yes you Yanks really are that bad-ass Coolio!).  Finally it’s La Toya’s turn and she’s pretty good in bits and rubbish in others – like most people who sing live with a lot of backing (yes it’s Michael’s version on her backing tape) – she does get everyone up and bopping around though.

Terry wastes no time in electing Lucy as least talented (“Never heard of her..never seen her with her waps out” – she’s gonna regret not properly expressing her talents!

Meanwhile Tina talks interminably about how Coolio talks too much. Even Ulrika fails to suppress a yawn as yet again Tina makes it all about herself – suggesting Coolio sees her as competition. She doesn’t need to worry – she’s actually winning in the delusional stakes – plus the “who looks the most like the spitting image Roy Hattersley puppet” with bad 70s hair. . Go Tina go!

Liking: Terry, La Toya, Ulrika (but she has to keep taking the piss out of Coolio and then shag him), Verne
Finding amusing: Coolio
Not fussed about: Mutya
Disliking: Ben, Michelle, Tommy
Oh FFS: Tina, Lucy

First published 4th January 2009 on

Day 2 and Ulrika’s already displaying an ability to eat for breakfast the meatballs of most of the men in this place. Of course Ben Adam proves a mere aperitif ; “You couldn’t look unfresh if you tried” twinkles our Swedish Siren (translation of unfresh = “pre-pubescent”). Coolio’s next to experience the Ulrika effect, as he enters the room mid-rap for presumably the umpeenth of many times. “I can do that! I can do that!” he gangsta-non-rhymes. “Very good!” smooths Ulrika sweetly, “Like something my four old can do.” Later she bonds with Coolio whilst preparing lunch, when he can’t recall her name (“You can call me what you like as long as it’s a nice name”). Just as he’s warming to this potential ssmilf (single swedish mum etc.) he discovers a)she’s married but hardly wears the ring because  b)she’s got a 7month old baby back at home so wants to protect her jewellery from baby vomit. I reckon its partly down to a) that he gets all overly patriarchal and shocked about b), but bless our Ulrika, she blithely ignores his faux outrage. “I don’t kiss married women” announces Coolio to pump his ego back up, “you don’t know where their mouths have been” (from my experience of marriage about two disappointments away from a crack pipe).

La Toya demonstrates her blatant masochistic vein by choosing Tina Mallone as her closest house confident. Or perhaps La Toya is smart enough to realise that Fatty Mallone is so unlikely to listen to anything you could ever say to her – and therefore to question it – that it gives one carte blanche to get anything and everything off your chest – although that would make her too dumb to realise it’s being broadcast – unless she’s just making crazy shit up for the hell of it (I wish). Anyhow today La Toya shared her painful marriage complete with the abuse, beatings, black eyes and her ex’s alternative method of opening and closing doors (using La Toya’s head, which maybe explains it’s unusual shape) – whilst Tina used any gaps in the conversation to agree that indeed life had been hard and cruel to her, Tina that is. I almost got the feeling that La Toya realised she was being ignored and talked over by the Scouse version of Pigsy from Monkey and was upping the ante. Perhaps tomorrow she will reveal that her ex hubby anally raped her with a scitimar, only for Tina to roll her eyes, sigh and tut “Yeah I know, I had to stand up for over five minutes during my auditions for Shameless”. Anyhow – Tina has really suffered – she had a balloon put down her throat to help her lose weight (just like Pablo the drug dog!). La Toya only seems uncomfortable when Tina starts mentioning Michael (“A genius bordering on madness – just like me!” – hmmm!), but we all know why eh readers?

Coolio serves dinner (not sure if it was the delightful sounding “Peanut chicken lovin” signature dish that he mentioned on day 1, but as Terry Christian points out “It looks very student concoction”) and disturbingly hovers over poor Verne waiting for his opinion (but it looks like someone staring at a dwarf to see how he eats).

As Head of House, Terry is called to the Diary Room – where the task he is given is just a cover which Big Brother states should help him choose the housemate with the most inflated ego – who will be automatically nominated (likewise with the reminder of this weeks “tasks”). It’s basically a variation of the one in which celebs organised themselves in order of fame – but this time the celebs have to choose who will be credited in which order on the end credits for tonight’s show (there isn’t room for three celebs). Michelle selflessly declares that she will be an extra (i.e. still get credited), whereas Tommy for me wins inflatego by virtue of barking orders to do it alphabetically (“Just do it man!”). Ulrika and Tina don’t help by whinging at Terry for being too slow to write the clebs names down. Anyhow, Terry then gets a rather groovy looking camera to film the 8 credited clebs. La Toya asks sweetly if she can be filmed in his room, how could anyone refuse. Giggling she holds up two cushions in the universal gesture of madness (Terry: “You’ll be on the shopping channel before you know it.”) Coolio gets his bling on for the camera (sending Verne into a fit of laughter), whereas Lucy shows off her “talents” by doing some shite porno posing with the marigold gloves sending Tommy into a bizarre rapey sub-Galloway mode. Ugh!

Terry’s not keen to nom someone on the back of the task, but is reminded he can’t pick himself (“we’ve all got big egoes and low self esteem, that’s why we’re in the business” ) so backs out and noms Ulrika as she doesn’t get on with him and seems to be taking things too seriously (“I may be wrong and I will suffer the consequences”). Big Brother dock the clebs of one token for “passing” the “task” cos Terry broke the rules by allowing La Toya to be filmed in his room (to be fair to Terry, I thought the rules for his room was that other clebs couldn’t use the facilities, so the not filming bit seemed to be deliberately tight in order to stir up a bit of conflict). Sadly Ulrika immediately jumps in with “You are so stupid!” (she always took Shooting Stars a bit seriously too – which was funny in context). La Toya rushes over to try and apologise, but Terry would rather take the blame than have people allocating it, at which Tommy bellows “So it’s YOUR fault you bastard!” Oh why is everyone being such a mong.

The token could give the celebs either hot water or telly for a day, so Coolio rather sweetly suggests watching the FA cup (perhaps so he can work out what the Northerners have been going on about). However Tina Mallone forgets her footy allegiances so she can continue to blame Terry for the fact that he won’t be able to watch the Man United match because if she doesn’t get a shower the whole house will smell of spam and wee.

Ulrika’s called to the Diary Room and seems to be considering quitting already. Disappointingly she’s predicting conflict but describing Tina Mallone as “Great for humour”.

Verne demonstrates his knowledge of cockney rhyming slang (“I did a hairy monk on her boat race and her Gregory”) to a hugely impressed Coolio who can’t quite get the hang of it (“Let me get some neck!” – erm?).

Poor old Verne can’t even go to the diary room (he has a special eye poking stick to get in) without being patronised first by Big Brother (“Why are you going to bed Verne?” Oh please just say you want a wank!) – and outside by Tommy bizarrely extending the weirdo guilt-trip how should we been seen to treat spackers on national TV conversation. I can’t get why people are so awkward with just being courteous to Verne and helping him if he wants help rather than hovering over him like they’re filming a “sensitive” Channel 5 documentary. Don’t they realise it’s a bit mental for anyone to have people trying to pre-guess what they need doing for them? They won’t go to hell for not realising in advance that Verne can’t reach things (unless it’s air in the Jacuzzi maybe) – whereas I am doomed to burn for giggling slightly at his diary room opening stick device. Back in the Diary Room, Verne yet again stresses that he wants people to know that just cos he does things differently he’s not helpless. If I was Verne, next time someone asks if he needs a hand I’d get them to properly take him to the toilet. For a Joddryll.

Liking: Verne, Terry, Coolio
Warming to: La Toya
Lighten up Lady!: Ulrika
Not bothered by: Mutya, Ben
Totally invisible! Michelle
Disliking: Tina, Tommy, Lucy

First published 3rd January 2009 on

And we’re back following two years racism break to Elstree, where Davina hovers in black feathers like some emo Big Bird, flapping round the faux gilt formica splendour of the celebs house. Apparently this year Davina reassures us, “we’re still using tokens”. Non-white people, dwarves and Scottish people then. In an apparent nod to one of Charlie Brooker’s recent columns about “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here”, the forlorn ash tray smoking area is surrounded by eyeless dolls heads (See – where Charlie suggests Robert Kilroy Silk should have been force fed LSD and sent into a cave full of glowing dolls heads). Cos since Endemol backed Big Brother zombie romp “Dead Set” the hitherto skills and acers Charlie is Davina’s pal. Oi Brooker, why don’t you just give the pointy nosed baby shitter a damn good tonguing?

Yes it’s Celeb Big Brother 2009 and I’m trying to quit tabs – a sure fire recipe for a seething cauldron of hate-filled sweariness if ever there was one. So let’s introduce the runners and riders as they entered the placcie Priory.

1) La Toya Jackson. I know it’s now obligatory to have a member of the Jacko clan on any reality TV programme over here, but is La Toya Jackson actually real? I thought we’d established she’s really Michael in Mekon Drag years ago. All she has to do is press that weird button on her chin and she’ll be right back to moonwalking, grabbing her shrivelled man bits and impactical parenting. Actually though La Toya, we learn, got closest to escaping the destiny of freakdom carved out for her and her hapless wealthy yet damaged siblings by their tyrannical father by daring to consider studying to become an attorney. The Endocunts boo her soundly on the way in, but even as I flinch on her behalf I realise she doesn’t seem to have any awareness of her surroundings. Instead she stammers out a strange bird-like hee hee laugh whilst floating about looking like a tired yet startled ET in a wig or an ultra genteel lady ape from Planet of the Apes.

2) Mutya is apparently an ex-sugarbabe with bolts in her face. She comes across as a scary nailed shouty beeyatch in her video (“People think I’m bitchy but actually I’m laid back and quiet”.. Hmmmm) and hobbles up the steps all leopard-skin inflato-tits looking like the “I want” picture that Pete Burns might have showed his dodgy surgeon. Apparently she likes “a drink”. Expect vomit, weeping and punch-ups. Hurrah! La Toya is pleasingly distant to her – like Carrie White pre the telekinetic melt down (I live in hope).

3) It’s “Little” Verne Troyer, or Mini Me if you like. Verne takes to the red carpet and works the crowd to huge cheers, and to everyone’s relief doesn’t take the stairs. Davina wins the David Brent dwarf patronising award for cooing “Awww” over his diminutive struggles with his huge suitcase. Unsurprisingly La Toya knows him. I’d be surprised if Michael hasn’t tried to buy him. So far Verne seems most normal and at ease with himself, but that’s not difficult. He also has the best voice ever.

4) Verne’s king of cool status is in no way rocked by the arrival of dodgy Scottish MP Tommy Sheridan – surely this year’s Galloway. Wierdly when I tuned in live last night (my train got me back too late for the main show, so I watched it today), my first note for Tommy was “Glaswegian wife beater?”. Having successfully sued the News of the Screws for defamation (amusingly backed up by his missus who loyally swore he couldn’t have had an affair as he only has a tiny cock) Tommy’s now being counter sued for perjury, so has decided there’s no time like the presence to pose about in front of derelict shipyards trying to look noble in a donkey jacket and get into the house. LOUD BOOS greet his arrival, and somewhat deflated he tries to make small talk with the existing housemates who all have no fucking clue who he is. He also seems to have a touch of the John Leslie’s about his appearance, which should make things interesting when Ulrika enters the house.

5) Lucy Pinters. This year’s big titted bimbo model with far right views by the looks of things. My boyfriend recognises her (he claims he saw her on the back of “Viz” – hmmmm 😉 ). She was discovered on Bournemouth beach (but then used trojan johnnies and poodle shit have probably been discovered there). Along with “liberals”, “attention seeking people” really annoy this needy titrack. Oh the irony! Verne and Tommy wake up and stand to attention when she makes it past blank uncaring boos.

6) Ben er who? Adams apparantly? He was in A1 apparantly? The boy band. Erm. He attempts to namedrop all the grate showbiz types he’s worked with – but when Alex Burke from X factor and Har Mar superstar are your best claims to fame, frankly you should shut right up. He also boasts about shagging his young female fans. Oh no he’s not a virgin. Just a tit. Talking of which he appears to dribble on Lucy’s spam bags within seconds of meeting her.

7) Tina Mallone. A fat scouser from Shameless dressed like a gay jockey with elephantitis. It’s her who seems to mention her weight and city of heritage constantly by the way. Has she said she’s a large lady. Oh she has now. Again. And did she point out she’s from Liverpool. Oh yes. Between her self-styled “fat funny lady”ness (i.e. tubby bully) and Stevie G going all American Psycho for a fix of Phil Collins, it’s yet another of those moments for everyone who comes from my home city to cringe and talk posh a bit. She claims to be OCD, hormonal and bipolar. I reckon La Toya could teach her a thing or two about OCD, seeing as she seems to want to avpid shaking Tina’s hand in case the obesity is catching.

8) Oh my god it’s Coolio. Ugging at the crowd like some crazy caveman gangsta in Rupert Bear trousers and a white mask on the back of his head in case tigers try to jump him. Back in Brent mode, Davina starts gushing idiotically about the fact he’s got a limp. (Is a limp a new gangsta accessory? Maybe he’s trying to suggest he’s packin way too much damn heat to walk in a straight line). He lets on to Verne and Mutya, but seems to completely blank La Toya, or maybe that’s cos she doesn’t exist.

9) Michelle Heaton from Liberty X. What is her weirdo accent? I think I detected about 10 different types of Northernness in there. She’s another of these people convinced that the papers wrongly represent her as a bitch. So a paranoid bitch then. She is therefore soundly booed. “Thanks for the boos” she bleats sharply. Ha!

10) Terry Christian – once styled by the mirror as “Britain’s most hated man” (was this before Piers Morgan), but now an arrogantly faded Manc, who laughs off the cacaphony of boos. Tommy lets on to him and before long the household Northerners are bonding whilst Coolio stares on blankly. Later he redeems himself to me by having a good conversation about Heath Ledger with Verne – also pointing out how odd it would be to give a bloke an oscar for being crap at counting sleeping pills.

11) Ulrika-ka-ka-ka! I like Ulrika and she comes across as sensible despite her obvious mentalness in her video, but that doesn’t stop the rentotwats booing away. Ulrika can live with that U guess. Tommy backs away from her, staring on with cold dead sharks eyes as she approaches… maybe he is a mate of John Leslie’s?

The housemates learn that there will be rationing of hot water and hair straighteners. La Toya looks terrified, although she’s gone into the house for “the challenge”, she confesses she’s not been with people outside her family before. Oh come on, she IS Michael. They’ve got the same nose and everything. Poor La Toya is struggling to recall anyone’s names outside Verne and Coolio, but Lucy’s not much help, being uninterested in anyone who isn’t her. “Who came in last?” asks La Toya, referring to Ulrika. “Terry” Lucy states coldly. La Toya’s confused, “I meant the lady”. “That was Tina” is Lucy’s response and La Toya wafts off in a cloud of vagueness.

It transpires that whoever picks a bed last will become King of The House, and live in a separate room with unlimited access to hair straighteners. I’m warming to Terry as he’d rather go for a fag than pick a bed. The lucky smoking bastard! He’s called to the Diary Room by Big Brother, quipping hopefully “they’ll probably put me in a jail”, before being told of his new found status which is a reward for his having apparently displayed unselfish civilian qualities for not scabbing a bed first (or maybe that’s civilian lazy git qualities). He leaves the diary room in fanfare and promptly heads for another ciggie, leaving Lucy’s face a picture of outrage. However Michelle just sucks up to him to get a sneaky go on the hair straighteners, which of course he says yes to, already breaking one of Big Brothers rules. Terry better be careful, he’s already frightened housemates by quoting Brendan Behan and saying something vaguely intelligent and non-self-important about fame. Luckily he’s immune from the first round of nominations. No-one likes a smart arse Terry. Specially not the GBP Big Brother Voters with their Limited Brain Power.

Verne seems much happier driving around in his handy scooter, until of course Tommy (over aggressively of course) and the other housemates insist on confronting him helpfully about how much help he needs. Not that it’s bad to ask, but they seem to make a huge song and dance about things, finally coming to the conclusion that they should have started out at – that if Verne needs help he will most likely ask for it. Well duh! Unfortunately Coolio misses this meeting and ends up helping an ever so slightly frustrated Verne with his unpacking later. Ooops.

I’m kind of warming to Coolio despite his desperate attempts to sex himself up though, there’s a tragic conversation between him and La Toya where he’s asking why she never had kids and she’s trying to explain that she’s a freak in a sweet way (“things never worked out”), before she adds, regarding being on Big Brother “this may be the best thing that ever happens to me.”. Even Coolio isn’t unmoved by the fact that this may be the most tragic thing ever said on telly, and he bemusedly says “but you’re really nice”. She nervously giggles, unconvinced. I also like Coolio rather un-gangsta-ly asking for his jim-jams and why Big Brother has a woman’s voice.

Ben’s in above his head rapping about drugs with Coolio (“I smoked a joint and I was talking to trees”), and is clearly and almost sweetly awestruck as Coolio spins him one of his latest tracks (Ben: “Nice that”, wow you can see him doing well as a music manager…erm).

Anyhow, so far, here’s the ratings:


Liking: Verne, Ulrika, Coolio

Sort of warming to despite myself: Terry

Worried for: La Toya

Not arsed about: Ben, Michelle, Tina, Mutya

Will probably end up hating: Lucy, Tommy