So we’re are down to the final two, Camilla Queen of SEX and avid milker of nuts up against skimpy swimwear Sian. A combination that puts me in mind of the 1970s for some reason.


And guess which idiot forgot again that it is screened on a Sunday. I managed somehow to avoid the result until tonight, which lets face it at this time of year is far easier than avoiding Wham’s “Last Christmas”.

Camilla even dresses as sexy nut milk as the pair head to Sugar Towers for their final task to launch their new business. They have to brand, create a digital screen and direct a TV advert and pitch the business at City Hall.

It’s school games team as Camilla gets first choice from candidates and plumps for Daniel then Jackie.

Sian bizarrely pity picks Khadija and Kurran. AS HER FIRST TWO CHOICES!

Unbelievably lovely Kayode is in the final two with Sabrina until Camilla patronises him onto her team. Sian is all “come on Sabrina” as though she has any choice. Poor Sabrina.  Sian has a brain explosion and decides to choose Kurran as subteam leader. Everyone but Kurran pulls a WTF face. “Is that a bad choice” Sian worries. Er no it’s yours. She ends up wimping out and selecting Jasmine to lead the subteam with the caveat everyone works together. Yeah that’ll work. Sian instructs them to ensure all models have wet hair so people realise it’s about the model swimming and not about her flashing her flange.

Camilla is told she needs to convince Sugar that nutmilk is scalable. She decides to focus on a unique selling point of “Grab and go”. Kayode’s a vegan and says he’s happy to grab it, run with it and get wrongly arrested for it.

Sian says she needs to set her swimwear apart in a saturated market. She’s aiming at people who like “pool parties” (Oh come on! The only POOL PARTY I know of is in “The Bitch” (or is it the stud). Are people doing this now too? I feel old and disgusted. She also decides that she can reverse her posh cosies to differentiate herself. Khadija gamely tries to help with name ideas “Swim reverse it”?”bikini hut”?

Unfortunately Daniel is stuck in Santa Seduction Mode as his Nut Milk Names (despite Camilla explicitly (or inexplicitly( stating she has to tone down her slutty ideas) escalate towards “Love Nuts”, “Grab My Nuts” etc.

Camilla decides on “Milk it” Which she says “Sounds like a big brand”. I’m thinking not for a non-dairy product. Despite her being told not to be too sexy she’s trying to explain to her subteam they can be cheeky… but not TOO cheeky. Everyone looks confused. Tom especially as he’s not sure what sexy means.

So the chosen few are off to build brands whilst the rest piss about on the digital billboard. Kurran bitches to Jasmine that “It’s good to be back even if you highjacked my subteam leader role”. Jasmine wisely suggests they’re doing it all for Sian but all task Kurran gloriously fails to get this. I love how much Khadija tries to help. “Luxury Swim? OK you don’t like the word luxury?”, “Swim Style?” “No” “OK you don’t like the word ‘Style’”.

Meanwhile Camilla’s goons are desperately trying to think of ways to sex up “nut milk” (really they are!). Jackie starts subtle (“What about someone with milk dripping down their face?”). Fortunately Kayode is there as a moral core. Doesn’t stop Jackie waffling on about a cow “lathering their teats”(um it is NON Dairy).  Kayode helps come up with the popular idea of someone reaching into a pile of nuts and pulling out some milk,

Somehow Sian seems to have travelled back to the 1970s so Sabrina and Jasmine actually have to try on her swimwear (whilst Kurran waits slightly creepily outside, reacting occasionally as “Can you undo me?” and “I think this ones way too skimpy!” It turns out Jasmine is still somehow bossing it and she likes Sabrina’s hair so refuses to wet it a la Sian’s instructions. Also Sian’s swimwear is so skimpy that Sabrina needs to cover her bottom half with a towel. Promising if you have pool parties for women who have no shame or imperfections about their lower half. So not good then.

Camilla has come up with MLKIT as a name. Daniel however imposes himself on every discussion on branding going.

Sian comes up with “SYO (Style your own) Swim and adds “The Hand of Fatima” to the branding design as it’s a symbol of “female empowerment” she clearly expects us all to know what she’s talking about. Khadija looks confused. Does she mean this?



Jasmine films Sabrina for the  billboard advert as Kurran tuts about how little they know. At one point she requests Sabrina puts her glasses on and Kurran worries all attention will be on the glasses. Jasmine also decides that Sabrina’s hair looks too good to get wet. Kurran thinks her finished commercial looks “tacky “ and  Jasmine will have to answer to Sian about it as it’s “her rodeo”. Bless him he thinks this all matters. Sian phones her team and explains she is using “The Hand of Fatima”. Everybody looks confused. She is sad that Sabrina’s hair wasn’t wet no matter how “dramatic” Jasmine thought it looked.

For Camilla’s billboard all Tom has to do is wink. Unfortunately Jackie realises too late how weird Tom looks trying to be human. Poor overlooked natural smile machine Kayode pipes up that he would like a try and nails it in one take, Bosh!

Camilla is happy with Tom acting out her cheeky winky role until Daniel points out he’s seen Tom wink before and “he looks a bit creepy”.

Jasmine and Sabrina overrule all of Kurran’s objections (and Camilla’s specifications) adding a wibbly wobbly watery background (Kurran “It should be plain!”) and pink font (Kurran “Arggh!”) to produce a rubbish, hard to see billboard ad.

Camilla’s team brainstorm on taglines for the brandname MLK IT provides. They are mainly filthy and pointless (“Wipe your nuts”) . Fortunately Camilla comes to the rescue by choosing Kayode’s take and getting rid of nut wiping references. “It’s too cheeky” she sighs. “Bear it in mind with the advert”.  She still goes with Dan’s idea of Tom in a boxing ring “beating up on nuts” with Kayode interrupting him to say “why not just milk it?” before Jackie takes a selfie with him. There’s at least 3 innuendos in there Camilla! The rest of the team look rightfully bemused at this idea but Tom says it doesn’t need to make sense? (Jackie: “er it does – you’re selling a product!”).

Sian is even more appalled by the digital screen poster as the background isn’t plain and Sabrina’s hair is dry (but “dramatic” as Jasmine points out”). She’s “fuming” to camera (“That looks absolutely shite”). As punishment she makes Kurran director of the video ad (on a “yacht” in London where women “flip” their swimwear to indicate they’re in a party mood. Which sounds like a fantasy sequence from a 1970s British film) and insists that Jasmine and Sabrina wear bikinis. Ouch! Kurran is all “BOOYAH!” (“Yesterday I was playing the supervisor” – he wasn’t – “Today I AM THE CAPTAIN!”).  He proceeds to go all Kubrick on everyone’s (barely concealed) arses, taking in lots of random yacht shots whilst Jasmine and Sabrina frown, complain and shiver in their cozzies. Jasmine worries he’s wasting time and Kurran addresses the cameraman instead – “Don’t worry about them – listen to me”. Oh you charmer! Whilst worrying the advert is fucked Jasmine is still capable of hissing “keep it sexy!” at her fellow models whilst the “party” scene is filmed. Good old JasSexBot3000 software. Kurran becomes even more loveable during the editing process (“This is the DADDY SHOT!”)  whilst Jasmine switches to frownbot 2.5 vid (“Er is that it?”).  Sian, however is proper impressed (“Kurran you did a sick job!” – I think that’s meant to be good), and before long our Kurran is comparing himself to Tarantino and Scorcese (“They’ll tell you – if you have a vision go ahead with it – and that’s what I did”).  Oh yeah he’s not missing out on his chance at continued reality TV fame virtue of being that deluded nobber from The Apprentice.

Tom directs the MLK IT ad as he appears to be the only person on the subteam or in the world who understands it. Jackie again doesn’t understand why she’s sharing a selfy. He explains patiently that “It’s a new taste experience and you want to share it with your friends”. I think Tom might be a bot too. Jackie delivers her line in a duly Stepford non-human way (“Do you mind if I share it on social media?”). Ugh! Tom’s masterpiece arrives at the editing suite where Kayode is devastated when they realise that rather than 30 seconds, this director’s cut clocks in at a mighty 1 minute 11 seconds. They slash away every which way but meaningful, with Tom insisting on cutting Jackie actually DRINKING the DRINK (which is the product) whilst saving a shot of him falling over as it mighty funny.  Camilla pretends to love it. Or maybe she is mad.

It’s proper creative time!

Camilla discusses her product with nut experts in her kitchen, whilst creating a new flavour (chocolate orange cashew – part of me really hopes she uses milk chocolate). The main issue the wise women of nuts foresee for her is expense as her USP of 15% “cannibalises margins”.

Sian draws some flowers and uses theTechnology to create a “unique print” (it looks a bit like soft focus flowery William Morris Wallpaper) with a reversible turquoise back whilst Khadija looks on in “WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT” wonderment. Yeah it’s all impressive but could Sian get the smell of wee out of a toilet carpet in two hours? I think not!

Whilst Sian and Camilla take their prototypes and prepare for the pitch with their fawning assistants Khadija and Jackie, the rest of the teams go for public feedback.

Sabrina, Kurran and Jasmine discover that they’re not alone in not knowing what the HAND OF FATIMA is. Some people think the logo looks “religious” (i.e. scary) and they think the imagery of the screen looks “Barbie doll and trashy” (Kurran looks smug). They let Sian know (well Jasmine lies and tells her everyone thought her swimwear “stood out”).

Kayode, Tom and Dan discover that everyone loves how the nutmilk tastes but the packaging is too reminiscent of cows which would upset theVegans (and Christ knows they have (not) enough on their plate).  Kayode says it’s important to be honest and they feedback to Camilla who quite frankly couldn’t be arsed.

So we’re at City Hall with Sian for the “biggest moment” of her life so far as she’s “super excited” to introduce SYO Swim aimed at “females aged 18-30 who have pool parties”. I HAVE NEVER KNOWN ANYONE LIKE THIS.  She promises custom sizing at an extra price and brings on a single model draped randomly in knotted bits of her new designed fabric by way of launching her “new collection”. She bigs up the TV Ad whilst subtly ignoring the digital board poster and stresses that she also has “non skimpy styles”. The miniscule amount of fabric she uses does not convince me.  She’s questioned on whether the advert really showed off the reversibility and she promises she will make it more noticeable in future ads. A formidable lady swimwear designer asks what sets her aside given 2000 swimwear designers launch each year. Sian’s response is quite ballsy “My brand is here – they’re not” and I think she may have just won herself a scary mentor. The experts all feed back to Sugar and they’re impressed but worry if she’s unique enough.

Camilla’s next with her tragic Dairy intolerance story set on a dairy form. Her pitch is very bitty (she seems terrified bless her) but the audience happily get stuck into tasting the product. She insists on promoting the 15% nuts as a USP. Everyone loves Kayode in the digital billboard ad, but the TV advert (love how she warns them to “prepare yourselves”) comes across as David Lynch on acid. She makes the cardinal mistake of falling apart on her numbers (“as it er economises it er um can definitely increase).  She’s quizzed on price and whether there is a broad enough consumer base – as well as on the cow print packaging (“It says dairy free on the front – I understand a risk”). The experts tell Sugar whilst it’s a good area to move into they worry how much he’ll have to keep investing into it.

So it’s boardroom time and Sugar immediately picks up on Sian almost selecting Kurran as subteam leader (“everybody said WHAT?”). It turns out to nobody’s surprise that Sugar hasn’t a fucking clue about the hand of Fatima either.

Kurran is adamant he “directed the pants off” the advert and Sian insanely says she liked it because it was SUBTLE. Everyone agrees that Sian is dead talented at drawing flowers.

Camilla’s turn and Sugar lets rip a zinger that he’s “surprised Jackie didn’t want to be PM”. “I thought I’d let Tom do it for the 4th time” she reposts speedily. I like Jackie (robbed I tell you). Kayode’s facial emoting skills are praised (“You’re like an emoji”) but the TV ad is slammed for being a mish mash.

The losers are sent back to oblivion whilst the finalists argue their cases. Camilla starts going on about being “sassy” (yuk) and defends her nut content. Sugar asks if she knows what margin supermarkets make and again she’s flaky with the figures (“40%”, Sugar “Oh NoNoNoNoNo!”).

Sian waffles on about her strips of coloured fabric being “affordable luxury” (Please! A bottle of Baileys is more affordable luxury to me). She does however have lots of spreadsheets. What’s not to love? She only sold 450 cozzies last year though and Sugar’s not sure she could scale the production up. “EASY!” she declares.

So it’s time for a last minute chat with Karren and Claude. Sugar thinks he has the best two candidates (really?). Claude bigs up Sian’s design skills whilst Karren calls her “naïve” and they switch to discuss Camilla (Claude “she doesn’t know her numbers”, Karren “universally her product was liked”).

Back in and Sian takes a timely moment to point out she has too much marketing spend in her business plan. She also slams Sian’s product for being “easily ripped off” (ooh!) and it descends into a mini Bitch fight (Camilla “You only sold 400 in 3 years”, Sian “I have stylists approach me for products” ).

Sugar does the usual faux dithering over a decision he’s made months ago and hires Sian. I’m a bit WTF (it seems a bit creative for him and not a niche product) but Camilla did let herself down.

Sian gets to ride off in the BIG CAR OF ECSTACY (“my possibilities are endless” – er as long as they involve wrapping boobies and mimsies in brightly coloured micro-bandages they are).

I’m off to buy a load of Hands of Fatima to flog down the market as they clearly bloody work given that result. Tara and happy Christmas!

Winner: Sian (I think I had her down as a potential winner one week but I thought she was rubbish after that)

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie, Sarah Ann, Sabrina, Khadija, Daniel, Camilla Queen of SEX