Everyone’s dragged to the old BBC TV centre at the made-up time of 5.30am and it’s sad to see the old place looking empty. The teams have to pick products to sell on a shopping channel, which Lord Sugar declares shift a billion quid worth of tut a year. They also have to make a promotional video for a product. Most sales wins.

In a pointless exercise in “balancing” the teams, Dan and Sarah-Ann are moved to Typhoon (joining Sabrina and Sian) whereas Tom is put on Collaborative (Sarah-Ann, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie). Er why?

Dan and Jackie go all Nostradamus and predict a double firing this week.

Everyone wants to lead Collaborative and Jackie suggests everyone say who should be PM. She picks Tom even though he’s never even watched a shopping channel and he seems to get the wrong end of the stick and assume she’s playing Kingmaker (“What do you want? Er I don’t mind”) which everyone else accepts.  Tom announces he will present and everyone looks worried. Jackie puts herself forward too, but Khadija wants to be on telly (“This is about getting people to love you!” er) and Tom is an idiot so picks her for having “more passion”.  Another shot of Jackie looking sad and Khadija looking smug. Jackie and Camilla are horrified.

Sian wants to lead Typhoon and everyone backs her. She picks Dan to present as he talked so much shit last week (Dan: “I got the chat, I got the looks, I got the quiff”). Sarah Ann is sent to present too whilst Sabrina toodles off with Sian to pick products. Or to watch Sian pick products and ignore all her suggestions.

The teams browse for products at TJC Feltham’s big warehouse full of shite. Sian’s obsessed by numbers and plumps for some gold earrings selling at nearly £3,000. Sabrina worries it’s too high end and they don’t have enough knowledge to sell them, but Sian’s determined to take a risk. They also pick a spiraliser and a leather handbag and some weird spinning bog brush on a stick. Quality.

Camilla wants high end stuff but Jackie reminds her of the useless twats who will be presenting and they steer towards cheap stuff that even idiots should be able to talk about. They pick some hair curlers, tooth whitener, a giant pink vagina that is allegedly an inflatable chair and a £900 pendant.

Tom attends “presenter training” and has to sell a “pug in a mug”. He can’t even make that sound fun. “You need a bit more energy. You need to be more personable about it” says the trainer. “Er yeaahh” drawls Tom “it’s a solid mug.. it’s so generic”.

Dan struggles in his training to sell a “lovely perfume” with a woman talking over him and shouting “keep talking” and he gets a spot of performance anxiety, drying up with a big stupid grin. “Dead air is bad” warns the trainer.

Daniel worries about the £2,951 hoop earrings that Sian brings back. “If I was spending that I would like a guy to sit down with me and put it on my face” (er what?) he whimsies. “I’d want to feel loved”.

It’s time to make the promo. Khadija suggests that someone doing their hair or make-up quickly sells on these channels so Tom films her styling her hair (oddly interspersed with people doing weights) whilst getting disturbingly over-enthused (I believe it’s more usual to shout “cut” after the last shot rather than “Oh you absolute animal!”).

Sian sends Sarah-Ann and Daniel to make a promo ad for the “Spin Scrubber”  urging them to “keep it classy”. They head for a show home, only realising upon arrival that (Dan) “We didn’t fucking turn up with the product did we?” The bloke at the show home looks disgusted and they’re forced (confusingly) to go and get the product and then film to promo in a car park where Sarah-Ann pretends to clean the car by pointing the bog brush on a stick at it whilst talking a million miles an hour like she’s been on the red bull AND the coke and looks genuinely spooked when she turns it on and it starts er spinning. She even manages to use the wrong name (Spin Stopper?). How did the promo go asks Sabrina on their return. “I think it would be a more efficient use of our time to crack on” he sidesteps unconvincingly – unfortunately a producer arrives at that very moment to say they can’t run the promo as it’s a big bag o’ shite. Sian=disappointed.

Sian meanwhile gets to patronise and exclude Sabrina a bit more by deciding that she will do all the talking in the crew room on the channel whilst Sabrina presses buttons and stays away from anything else. Surprised she’s even allowed to press the buttons.

Jackie and Camilla decide to switch roles between talking and button pressing so that only one person is talking at any time. Tom however insists that one person should speak and one does prices, which Camilla interprets as meaning that she should do ALL the speaking. Nobody else. Just her.  This gives Jackie somewhat of the arse on.

So it’s countdown to airtime and Khadija’s first word is “SHIT!”. “Your mic is live” a producer informs her dryly in her earpiece. I’m not convinced she’s loving the giant vagina chair. “It’s amazing!” she blethers. “It’ssssssssssss” (deflating?). She drags it around and does anything to avoid sitting in it. “It’s self inflating” she says. “No it’s not” Camilla tells her. “In that you need to inflate it yourself” finishes Khadija. Camilla tells her to sit in it and she collapses unhappily into its rosy lips – it’s like it’s giving birth to her. She looks relieved to head over to Tom who does his best to be smooth. He manages creepy (“Hey how’s it going?”). He refuses to demo the tooth whitener (“I’m not gonna demo it yet I’m gonna say why you shouldn’t miss out”) until Camilla practically screams “Put it in your mouth!”. Everything freezes and Jackie has to tell Camilla to tell Tom to move. The promo plays and Khadija tries to talk about the curlers but Camilla is annoyed by Khadija’s style of selling and tells her to let Tom speak, cos that makes fucking sense. Unsurprisingly Tom does not demonstrate an in depth knowledge of hair styling products (“It’s er such a good thing to get”).

Khadija ends up flogging the pedant (“One more amazing product – if you’re a hubby out there show your wife you appreciate her” – Khadija seems to be from the 1950s) and reads from the label it’s “Triple A – that is like the best of the best of the best!”. Camilla informs her it isn’t. “You could get better or er spend more money on more things” wibbles Khadija. They flog two and Camilla insists on lowering the price for some reason.

Their slot finishes. “So that wasn’t great” says Camilla. “That was terrible” agree the crew. “That was something else.” mumbles a now as pumped as he possibly could be Tom. “It was good – honestly” lies Camilla. “Was any of it awkward?” asks Tom. There’s an awkward silence.

It’s Typhoon’s turn and Sarah Ann’s flogging the leather handbag, repeatedly drilling in (on Sian’s command) that it’s “100% genuine leather”. Over to Dan and he seems to think the spiraliser (“my personal favourite”) is a portable item (“Take it in your handbag use it anywhere on the go” –erm- “I don’t know where you’re going” – we don’t know where you’re going Dan – “but it’s probably better places than me”. Agreed).

It’s Spin Scrubber time and Sian actually listens to Sabrina’s suggestion to make it “fun”. Unfortunately they fail and just talk over each other. Dan insists it “has made cleaning a pleasure” and impressively it’s effective “within a couple of strokes” (madam!). Dan also travels back in time, insisting it’s a “great way to impress the wife” whilst Sarah Ann wafts it over the prop bookcase.

They co-present the hoop earrings and one sells already causing Sian to momentarily lose the plot in her excitement. Sarah-Ann gets in on the 1950s action (“If you bought me this, I’d marry you tomorrow”). Sabrina wants to drop the price to try for more sales – and on one sale maybe she has a point – but Sian won’t listen and is determined to stick by every decision she’s made.

In the boardroom, Tom thinks Jackie was happy to be “on the side” rather than presenting (er no), but Sugar’s surprised the strongest presenter wasn’t picked. Khadija gets all stroppy (“ Jackie had several opportunities – people should get a chance to see I’m also strong at pitching” – Sugar looks unconvinced).

Sugar thinks the “Self inflating lounger” (NOT self inflating!) sounds like “Piers Morgan” – who coincidentally also doubles as a giant vagina. Collaborative’s half decent promo is shown and Sarah-Ann looks crestfallen. It apparently generated 34 sales too. Jackie and Camilla argue about the strategy for talking and button pressing. I think Jackie’s right on this one but who really cares? Camilla accuses Jackie of “speaking in the background and being negative” (er she saved your arse a few times there Camilla).


Piers Morgan yesterday.

Sian’s asked about the products. She liked the fact the leather bag was real leather. Sabrina chuckles (“I think we got that across”). Sarah-Ann admits they forgot to take the product to the promo shoot and as punishment the video is shown. “Not my finest hour” a sheepish Sarah-Ann admits.

Sugar asks Daniel about his “proposal” during the hoop earrings selling. “I’ll  do anything for the team” shrugs Dan.

Anyhow sales time and we’re finally reminded that sometimes people say they’re buying but don’t go through with it because the drugs wear off by the time they’ve found their credit card. So real confirmed sales are £1,329 to Collaborative (the pendant sales were reneged) and £1,467 for Typhoon (the earrings sale didn’t go through).

A win by the narrowest of margins demands a treat by the narrowest sense of the world so Typhoon are sent to watch a film in a park (“Little Shop of Horrors” – oh ho ho!).

Tom is sacked on the spot for being a third time losing PM. Bish Bosh Bang no messing. No hugs, no coffee no taxi of despair no nothing. The others are sent to Café Doom where they try their best to appear civil whilst turning the passive aggressive dial to 11. Camilla accuses Jackie of playing strategically and pushing Tom to be PM to set him up for a fail. Er what? Back in the boardroom, Sugar seems to have picked up on this theory (“You all knew Tom was at the last chance hotel”).

Jackie insists she’s the “closest person to Tom”, but Camilla admonishes her (“If you’d had Toms best interest at heart”) and Khadija also feels Jackie shouldn’t have forced Tom (poor little Tom) to be PM. So here we are Apprentice 2018 three supposedly adult women arguing over a man.

Sugar then asks if Khadija has an aggressive manner. “NO!!!” she snaps and goes into a big rubbish crying jag about everyone else being a game player and how she has a “big heart”. Even Sugar sees through that “Oh come on… he’s a big boy”.

Sugar asks who made the decision to drop the pendant price after two sold 30 seconds before it went off air. Camilla looks all proud (“I made that decision”). “Where’s your brain?” retorts Sugar. Camilla then moans Jackie gave her “no back up” (Oh FFS!) and they argue (Camilla: “You couldn’t even do the clicking”) whilst Sugar looks weary.

He gets advice from Karren and Claude (who thinks Jackie is “manipulative but brilliant”). Back in Jackie may just blow things for herself by announcing how ace and skill she is and how she set up a business for $2k and sold it for $2million, prompting Sugar to ask what she’s doing there? “I want to experience business with someone at a different level and I want to understand my skill set through the process and prove what I can do” (translation if she wins she will nick all his contacts, if she loses she’s got some free advertising for her idea – a “sponsorship package standardisation” thingy).

Not to be outdone Khadija boasts about starting a business from £20 whilst raising 2 kids. Camilla adds that lactose intolerance (whilst working on a diary farm – ha!) drove her to milking nuts in a kitchen on the other side of her house which she sells to local shops. Sugar likes this and reminisces about boiling beetroots and making lemonade as a boy. To him Camilla and Khadija are both acorns who are looking for a life changing amount of money to scale up their businesses whilst Jackie is a mighty oak and so she is fired for being a strong successful intelligent woman whilst the other two numpties are sent back to the house. Who said life is fair? He worries Khadija may be too aggressive but keeps her in for theTelly (at least until she savages someone).

Jackie is candid and likeable in the Taxi (for her of wry smiles and shrugs). “I guess I need a job… I was hoping to walk away and win it but that didn’t play out, but first” she leans back “I’m going to take a holiday”. You go girl.

Back at the house Sarah is shocked (“MASSIVE plot twist!”).

Next week the candidates make chocolates for xmas – even though the things filmed in Spring.


Liking: Sabrina, Daniel

Could win: Sian

Meh: Sarah Ann, Camilla

Scary Lady: Khadija

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000, Tom, Jackie