It’s 4.30am (hmm) and the remaining besuited twots have to go to Kelvingrove Art Gallery in thatGlasgow, where Karren and Claude flank a screen showing Lord Sugar as he can’t make it having the urgent business of not being arsed to go to Scotland to attend to. Pixel Sugar informs them they have to choose a contemporary artist and sell their work both at a gallery event and to a corporate client.

Over on Typhoon (Tom, Sabrina, Sian and Jasmine) whilst Sabrina has no idea about art, Tom’s Dad and sister are artists, Sian did art A’Level and Jasmine likes visiting art galleries in order to feign human emotions and is therefore elected as PM. She reveals that “I had to lead as I don’t want to sit back and watch some else make lots of mistakes. Buzz Click Whirr”. She makes Sian subteam leader, sending her and Sabrina off to meet the client and takes Tom to select art. Sabrina worries that she and Sian don’t have enough art knowledge, but Jasmine is not interested in the protestations of the puny human.

Over on Collaborative (Sarah-Ann, Daniel, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie), Jackie “minored” in fine art (“I did Post Modern Impressionism” – eh? Is that like Rory Bremner doing Mike Yarwood?) and is duly elected supreme guru. She makes Sarah-Ann leader of the corporate client meeting sub-team and takes Daniel off to talk art-wank to the artists.  To be fair he’s fricking good at it (although telling Sophie Morgan, a paralysed artist who specialises in “blind drawing” that she can “draw better with your eyes closed than me with my eyes open” takes the team patronising the arts to new levels). Next they meet Solvig Dottir who does a mixture of wacky (gummy bears spelling out Home Sweet Home) and weird. Daniel pretends to like a sculpture of a horse (“I can see the messages coming forward”) but revels that he’s treading “a fine line between interpretation and blagging” and that he really thinks most normal people wouldn’t want a “big structure with a duck with his arse in the air” in their home.

Tom tries his best to connect to an oil painter (“To me feelings and emotions are er deep”) , but he’s more interested in the fact her daubings sell for a grand a splurge and immediately demands 50% commission. The artist laughs in his face (“which half of the painting is yours?”) and offers him 35%. “I could work with you” Tom sulks. Supposed art lover Jasmine does no better with Sophie Morgan’s sketchs. “Is this how you would sell them? In frames?” she asks (yes Jasmine that is how humans do such things). She’s agreed with Tom that she will lead the conversation but the sour faced twatty goateed fool keeps interrupting her and eventually talks over her. Outside he mumbles about her letting him edge in occasionally so he doesn’t feel too emasculated.

Kadija, Camilla and Sarah-Ann go to a showroom selling sound systems. When the bloke proudly plays some music to demonstrate what they’re about, rather than listen Sarah-Ann keeps talking (“Is it surround sound?”) and I can’t help feeling blokey is pressing a secret button down the side of his chair to turn the sound up and drown her wittering out. The client says they would spend up to £4,000 but the piece would need to reflect their “three key pillars of innovation, provenance and experience” (Khadija mouths them out loud uncomprehendingly as she writes this down). They relay this information back to Jackie and Dan – explaining that they think that “innovation means erm something innovative and that provenance means to provoke or maybe the province you’re from”. Unfortunately Dan doesn’t hang up quick enough to hide his “Oh my GOD!” as he and Jackie piss themselves laughing at their thicky subteam.

Sabrina and Sian visit Events Website ItIsOn who are predictably Nathan Barley in their business surroundings.

It’s like this but worse.SugarApe

The pretentious Hoxton twits warm to Sabrina who enthusiastically slides down the pole in their office and Karren is impressed with the rapport built. This client would also spend £4K as long as the artwork is really fucking stupid and pointless. Sabrina tries to relay this to Tom and Jasmine but they don’t really listen. Because it’s Sabrina talking. However they do take on board some of this and go for Solvig the sculptress (thankfully not put off by Tom banging on about price) as it will appeal most to the corporate client although Jasmine worries they’re putting all their eggs in one basket.

Jackie and Dan visit Eleanor the oil painting lady. “I find them quite captivating. They’re dark and sinister from one perspective but with an inner  brightness” bullshits Dan. “But what’s your feeling?”. “I could only reiterate what you said” says oil painting lady – I think she only does it to see the big stunned “WTF?” on Dan’s face. They agree that it won’t please the corporate client but gamble on her work having more public appeal.

Next day, his uncanny success with Oily Eleanor having gone to his head, Daniel has morphed into his idea of what an art lover looks like. In his case it’s wearing a linen suit with a hanky in his pocket and fixing his hair Dumb and Dumber/Dwayne Dibley style (“I’m blending art into the individual”). The rest of the team look sadly at the chosen paintings (Khadija in particular looks confused and horrified) and Camilla worries that these won’t appeal to the public as they would “have to look at it and try to understand it” hence missing the point of art. The subteam is sent to look after the gift shop whilst Jackie passive aggressively tries to force customers to “reserve” pieces of art by putting little amber stickers below them as though that means something. Sarah-Ann wants to lower the prices of the art related tea towels and tat. Jackie says “Yeah. So lets go high end”. Ha. Unfortunately their customers laugh at them trying to sell a tote bag for £25 when you could get the same thing in Waitrose probably with a lovely picture of a cucumber or some halloumi on it for a fiver.

Sian and Sabrina however love the sculptures – Sabrina in particular thinks the Home Sweet Home piece would be right up their client’s wall. Jasmine insists that she and Tom should do all the selling and talking, having met the artist and Sabrina and Sian are consigned to the gift shop of shame where Sabrina annoys Sian by not obeying orders (to be fair Sian isn’t helping by giving any constructive orders, she’s just being stroppy and telling Sabrina to leave her alone while she does loads of printing for some reason). Jasmine manages to sell one of the cheaper pieces (“an ice cream plaque”?), somewhat desperately banging on about it being an “investment in contemporary art. Whirr click”. Unfortunately, Sabrina, like Cinderella, has decided to come to the ball and is wandering around waving art tea towels, distracting customers from the massively expensive sculptures, as it’s more fun than being moaned at by Sian. Jasmine spots her and dispatches her back to the scullery sorry gift shop before.

Daniel is holding fawning women of a certain age spellbound with his marvellous art-wankery. He confides to camera that “Jackie knows what she’s talking about – I haven’t a fucking clue”. Proper warming to Daniel. And he manages to make sales, even chucking in a free tote bag to the lady who laughed at Sarah-Ann. Haha!

Meanwhile Tom’s gone full Partridge in his attempts to sell. “You look at it and think ‘What’s going on? Why? Where is it? Where’s it going?’”

Khadija gets the arse on for Camilla trying to talk nicely to potential customers that she’s been shouting on at about cushion covers (“Come directly and see me if you want anything. My name’s Khadija but call me K” – she sounds a bit King’s Cross with that sort of patter). Later she whinges that Camilla is “disruptive” and “desperate to get sales”. She really is an argumentative cow.

Jasmine tries to send Sabrina and Sian outside to sell stock as they “won’t be pivotal to selling to the corporate client”. Sabrina pushes back (“But we have built a strong rapport with the client”) but Jasmine insists she needs to listen and work as a team player.

Of course the client arrives and promptly asks where Sabrina and Sian are, but Jasmine ploughs on with no understanding of their “ethos”, telling them she chose a shiny owl sculpture for them as Sabrina or Sian said something about “er birds”. “Not quite” explains the client, “there’s a tree in the office” (of course). They take a shine to the Home Sweet Home piece. Now who was it who thought they’d like that?

Sabrina’s gagging to go and talk to the client, but Sian is busy packing stock to take out and insisting that “Jasmine told us to go”.

Another customer returns who also fancied the Gummy Bear Home Sweet Home. “You’ve come at the perfect time” says Jasmine. “We have a client eying that piece up” (No you idiot – she’s come at the wrong time!). She promptly sells it to the customer (not sure if it’s a set price) and gloatingly tells the client what’s she’s done as though that will make them want to buy a fucking owl. They are sad. “I feel really bad” says Jasmine, her beautiful cold dead eyes suddenly alarmed at the prospect of losing a sale. “Whirr buzz”. “It’s a shame Sabrina and Sian aren’t here” says the client and Tom is forced to go and get them. Well at least Sian (Sabrina being too shameful). Sian manages to bullshit on about the owl representing a link with nature and the tree whilst also being trendy. “You have articulated it much better” says the delighted stupid client. Sian is smug.

Collaborative don’t get so lucky, mainly due to the subteam having gathered very little intelligence either in life or during their client visit. Jackie attempts to blag it “art is a reflection of a person and the experience of sound is subjective”. “That’s actually the opposite of our ethos which is about making sound objective” says the speaker bloke who is a bit of a chippy little ponce, “I don’t think we’ll be buying anything”. Ohh get you!

Both teams are sent onto the street to sell art tat. Sian shows her amazing deal-brokering skills selling tote bags (“That’s £29.99 or £30 for two”) and Jasmine gives everyone a team hug. Tom is still sour faced at a woman daring to not let him lead every conversation.

Back in the boardroom and Dan’s hair has magically requiffed into geezer mode. He still insists he connected “on an artistic level” with Eleanor and Sugar accuses him of talking “Jackson Pollocks”. He’s been saving that gag all episode. Daniel is rather kind about the subteam’s failure to understand the client’s ethos, merely suggesting “they could have been more concise”.

Typhoon are set up for a fall by Sugar pointing out their collective artistic knowledge. Tom immediately tries to get the boot in over Jasmine not letting him do all the talking. Not that he’s bitter. Sian also tries to give Sabrina a kicking (“It was so difficult working with you”). Sabrina points out if she hadn’t wanted to meet the client, Sian wouldn’t have made that sale. “Don’t take credit for my sale” snaps Sian. Sugar comes to Sabrina’s defence: “She’s right. If you’d left you wouldn’t have sold.” Hurrah!

Anyhow commissions are in. Typhoon made £1325, but Collaborative made £3499 despite losing the client due to amazing sales with the public and are sent to do “portraits on pizza”.

Sian leads the mass stomp off to Café Doom where Tom is still wearing a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle as he accuses Jasmine of trying to “dominate situations”. Maybe that’s what management is eh Tom?

Sian moans about Sabrina going AWOL. Sabrina points out she made more sales. “Yeah” glowers Sian, “But I did 90% more PRINTING!”

Back in the boardroom and in typical world turned upside down bollocks Sugar blames them for targeting the corporate client and not other customers, although had they done the opposite they would be getting slagged for that too.

Jasmine reveals she didn’t “just want to target the local general public. I have no idea on their taste in art” (ooh get her! Jasmine thinks that Scottish people are happy just staring at the point of a box of Quaker Oats).

Sian goes “only obeying orders” on Sabrina (“I LISTEN to what people tell me to do in certain situations”). And Tom thinks it’s all about him (“We’re here to discuss what my honest opinion is” (eh?)).

Jasmine brings back Tom as he sold eff all and Sabrina cos it’s get Sabrina day. Sugar asks Jasmine about her CV which states that her best business skill is “the ability to simplify the complex”. “What do you mean?” he understandably asks and she waffles on about the “message” whilst her head rotates 360 degrees. He condemns her “corporate demeanour”.

Tom thinks he performed well on some tasks, he’s “obsessed” and “hungry” and people can work with him, not Jasmine. She however blames Sabrina for losing and starts harping on about her business plan (based on “consumer technology” naturally), and when Tom tries to interrupt she slams him “It’s a business about making money Tom” (yeah you wouldn’t know anything about that Tree Boy!).

Sugar worries that Tom is a loser and Sabrina doesn’t listen but blames Jasmine for a “bad choice of product” (wot?) and fires her. I hate to say it but I laugh at how stunned she is. She’s been presenting herself as a winner all series and has been bright and professional, but Christ she’s been humourless.

Tom’s card is marked and it’s “last chance saloon” for the chinny gimp. Fortunately Sabrina is safe too and she immediately offers Jasmine a (reciprocated) hug. Tom however gets a cold sullen handshake. Yeah!

In the Taxi of Doom Jasmine is still annoyingly professional (“It’s been the most incredible experience I have no regrets… Click buzz.. this unit is recharging”).

Dan’s sad to see Tom return (“I fancied being the only man in house with all these girls” – oh Dan –and so close to me really liking you too!).

Next week the candidates demean themselves on the shopping channel thus depriving James Whale of his only remaining source of income. Yay!

Amused by: Daniel

Warming to: (amazingly) Jackie, Sabrina

Meh: Sian, Sarah Ann, Camilla

Tosspots: Khadija, Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob), JasmineBot 3000