The candidates end up at the Crossrail building at Canary Wharf because it has a rooftop gardening and according to Lord Sugar “Urban gardening is a big new trend”. Each team has to set up their own gardening business and pitch to corporate clients whilst running a mobile service. Most profit wins.

Sarah-Ann’s moved to Collaborative with Daniel, Khajida, Camilla and Jackie. Lord Sugar appoints Daniel PM. He’s “super excited” even though he knows literally sod all about gardening. The masterplan is to price as high as possible without taking the piss. Both Jackie (who does gardening) and Khadija (who does cleaning) want to lead the mobile subteam, but Khadija deathstares him into choosing her and she promptly shoots Jackie a massive SMUGLOOK. Tom takes Sarah-Ann to meet a rooftop bar manager in Shoreditch, insisting they don’t over-promise and concentrate on profit margins. The client wants an “urban jungle” cos it’s fucking Shoreditch. Dan immediately thinks “Astroturf” because that’s exactly what would sort out the poor little Orang Utan’s forest in the Iceland advert. The client agrees as long as it’s “high spec” (eh?). Sarah Ann then starts offering loads of extra shit: planters, vines, cocaine production labs – much to Dan’s chagrin. He argues his client up from £2000 to £2500 for the job, but she points out she’ll only pay that if she’s totally wowed.  Unfortunately at the garden centre they discover that Astroturf is hugely expensive, eating substantially into their budget, and decide to buy cheap shit instead.

Tom the tree surgeon is backed to lead Typhoon ( Sabrina, Sian, Jasmine and Kayode).  He elects Sian to lead the subteam and takes Sabrina off to see the Corporate Client who wants a “stylish” rooftop garden and the seating painting for £2000. Tom argues her up an extra £100 to “treat” the seats and they shake. It’s off to the garden centre where Tom rushes to the bargain sale rails (“Keep it cheap and make it look classy”)  with Sabrina trailing him round looking like Bubble from Ab-Fab but more doubtful. “Here’s more cheap stuff” he announces joyously. “Here’s NICE stuff!” she says pointedly. He shakes his head. Nah!  He drops a plant (“bollocks”) and briefly considers getting a discount on it as the soil’s been displaced. He’s really selling his business here.

Khadija informs Jackie and Camilla that she is a  “team player not a dictator”. Well that’s going to put their minds at rest. Jackie and Camilla (somehow it’s a task remit that one team member dresses as a flower for this bit – it’s Kayode in the other team) try to offer ideas about price but Khadija doesn’t listen and just shouts them down “WE ALL NEED TO CO-OPERATE!” before accusing Jackie of getting all aggressive cos she didn’t get to be sub-team leader. “WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?” retaliates Jackie, and although she’s technically evil too I feel her pain.

Over on Typhoon Kayode in his contractually obliged Peter Gabriel in Genesis outfit tries to appear professional whilst working out a quote for hanging baskets. It doesn’t work and he gets stupidly proud arguing the client up from £100 to £130 for a load of baskets that cost twice as much whilst Jasmine looks mortified.


“Me I’m just a lawnmower you can tell by the way I cut into my margins”.


Khadija’s subteam approach a shop (Jackie “Your place looks super amazing but might be in need of some summering” Er WHAT?) whilst Khadija talks over her and offers completely different services and prices and the potential customer looks bemused. Somehow she agrees they can sort out her shop lady garden – she probably just wants them to go away.

Both mobile teams pitch to doll up a boat bar and wash the decks by 12.30pm the next day. Jasmine is very keen that Kayode considers both the service charge and the price of the gear. He manages to utterly balls up the maths so Jasmine plucks £300 out of the air and Sian adds an extra £100 for putting climbers on the hand rails (because none of these people have ever seen the prices in a fricking garden centre). Kayode still thinks they’ve charged too much bless him. He’s back in his element knocking at doors of potential punters “I guess you wasn’t expecting to see a sunflower!”.

Khadija somehow has decided that a pallet forms a potential garden feature – offering the same service for £900 including the pallet (eh?) and £700 without. Jackie suggests the pallet is part of the service and the final price confusingly is £900. Unsurprisingly the client plumps for Typhoon and explains that Collaborative were too pricy and the pitch too “forceful”. Khadija breaks the news to Dan (“Er we’re doing really well but you wanted us to go for higher prices”). Dan does a sad face.

Next day the lazy bastards are still sitting round discussing plans at 8am!  Tom moves to the mobile team and sends Jasmine and Sabrina to do the other corporate rooftop garden despite Sabrina pointing out that this is the highest price job and she has no experience in gardening whereas he operates on bloody trees.

Dan decides to bring Jackie onto his subteam to break her and Khadija up, but she refuses to move due to her great gardening knowledge. So in his great wisdom Dan brings Camilla to his side and tells Khadija and Jackie to “be professional”. Khadija already looks moody. As his subteam drive off Sarah-Jane asks “Are you mental?” Camilla agrees (“It’s one of worst decisions you’ve made”). I get popcorn and await the fireworks.

Professional tree surgeon Tom manages to fail to give the van driver bringing all their gear to the boat job any directions so they spend ages waiting to properly start. He stalls by explaining to the client “We’re just er clearing the area” whilst everyone shuffles chairs about. She reminds him of the 12.30pm deadline. “Yeah fine…”. Tom shouts orders at Kayode who’s struggling to jet wash the bar and actually hear as he’s wearing massive headphones. That doesn’t stop Tom so Kayode just mutters “Yeah yeah” to everything and keeps spraying. The client is disappointed and the price goes down to £250 after some pleading from Tom. Kayode points out they started way too late. Tom is angered by this insubordination and carries on bossing Kayode around all day until Kayode gets the arse on and starts ignoring him.

Meanwhile in the trending Shoreditch roof bar Dan decides to Astroturf the top of the bar. For “aesthetics” if not for balancing stupid overpriced drinks easily on.  He then sprinkles woodchip around the bottom of the bar presumably to protect small children who might be playing there.

Jasmine and Sabrina decide to go for the “minimalistic” look as Tom has ordered hardly any plants and things for them to do up the corporate roof garden. Jasmine worries they will struggle to sand down and paint the benches in the time allowed so Sabina makes the decision to just clean them off and paint them as that’s worth a couple of grand of anyone’s money. The client worries it’s just them (“I thought Tom was an experienced landscape gardener”) and Sabrina stalls (“Jasmine is very strong in terms of design”).  They both end up trying to paint yellow stripes on the bench with teeny tiny brushes. There’s more effort displayed when cartoon paint falls onto cats backs to make Pepe Le Pew sexpest them. Jasmine wonders if they can use the pointless shovels provided to “Dig us out of this hole”. The client returns and Jasmine doesn’t exactly sell their work (“we wanted something stylist and sophisticated – I’m not sure we achieved it”). The client is angered at the unsanded benches and says she will “come back to them” about the money.

At the lady shopkeeper’s garden new bessie friends Khadija and Jackie bond in adversity and ineptitude as they can’t find a tap the right size to plug in the jet washer and fail to ask the shopkeeper if there’s another tap or explain choosing to pour water over everything without even brushing it down and then sort of move the mud about. Shop woman is very unhappy when she returns (“you’ve made it worse”, especially when Khadija argues the toss over the tap and tries to get away with a £60 discount (“No I just want you out my shop now” she insists almost tearfully).

Dan’s client thinks the jungle bar looks pretty “but logistically it’s a complete nightmare” pointing out that people need to wipe down bar tops and she’ll have to get back to him over what she’s prepared to pay. He calls the subteam who explain they’ve only just started their second job and it’s 6pm and you see his world collapsing in his face. “What the hell have they been doing?” Sarah Ann complains. “Sweet niblets” Camilla sighs resignedly.

Everyone tries to flog the remaining plants. “It’s dying” points out a woman, “they’re not really dying” insists Jackie. Dan’s ready to throw his subteam under the bus for being a “complete shambles”.

In the boardroom and Khadija has proper power vixened up, so must be spoiling for a fight. Dan’s called out on his astrobullshit. Camilla describes Khadija rather kindly as “passionate” but worries it may have seemed “forceful” (because it was) and Khadija turns on her (“It was you and Jackie doing most of the talking!”), but Karren has already dobbed her in to Lord Sugs for being “aggressive”. Sugar describes her pricing as ridiculous and she justifies this (“It’s a big boat!”).  Jackie apologises for nearly coming to blows, but points out gently, and slightly more diplomatically, that Khadija was an ignorant, shouty twat.

Sian’s worried Tom didn’t charge enough for failing to spruce up the boat. Tom justifies moving to the mobile team as he “wanted to take control”, but Sabrina blames him for leaving her and Jasmine with not enough gear to do the rooftop job. Sugar has a go at Sabrina for not knowing to “rub down” the bench as they’re the corporate skills being his business partner demands. She blames Jasmine.

Anyhow Collaborative’s mobile team made £535 and the Astroturfed bar lady amazingly still gave them £1500 so after costs they made £1342 profit.

Typhoon’s mobile team did better, getting £760, but the rooftop lady only gave them £400 so their overall profit was only £528 (so much for buying cheap stuff Tom!).

Collaborative massively get away with a win and get sent to play Crazy Golf whilst Dan talks about how great he is and Khadija and Jackie shoot each other evils. I hope they get to work together a lot more.

In Café doom Kayode says the failure was with the corporate side, but Tom insists “wherever I was – I got results” (yeah, making £250 and losing nearly a couple of grand with the big client). Sabrina is all “I did EVERYTHING!”

Back in the boardroom Sugar blames Tom for not spending enough money (“Elton John’s got more flowers in his downstairs toilet”) but Tom reckons the girls should have adapted to the situation and magicked a garden out of thin air. Sabrina wants everyone to know how she unwrapped 15 whole boxes of stuff whilst supervising Jasmine. Kayode gets flack for the real crime of making a loss on a deal, although he points out helpfully he still made a quarter, or was that a third, no half of their profits. Maths is not his strong point.

Tom brings back Kayode and Sabrina, with Jasmine surviving for actually winning the tender in the first place (although I think it was sort of guaranteed for them). Sabrina and Kayode are peeved. Claude and Karren chat with Sugar about them with Claude stating (correctly) that Tom’s mistakes lost them the task and Karren wittering on like a notracist nan about Kayode’s “fabulous smile” then adding Sabrina is “incredibly smart” because she’s been following a different show.

Sabrina thinks Tom is to blame as he got the “main corporate decisions” wrong on day one (ooh big words, maybe Karren has a point). Kayode says Tom lost twice and this time it was a task purpose made for him and Kayode will always have his donut sales to fall back on (Sugar “We’re not talking abaht donuts!”). They all have a big squabble (yawn) and whilst Sugar thinks Tom “failed miserably” he (“with regret”) fires Kayode for making that business error with the deal. Poor Kayode looks so miffed and just offers the others a cold handshake as they leave.

In the Taxi of Regrets he looks forward to being with people who love him (“my family and my cat”). How can you have done this Lord Sugar?

Jackie’s delighted (“Just two more boys to get rid of”).

Next time the teams sell art collections. There will be wankiness!



Should win despite being a Joy Vacuum: Jasmine

Warming to: Daniel, Camilla

Meh: Sian, Sabrina, Sarah Ann

Fighting for the title of Queen Bitch: Khadija, Jackie

Tree Twat: Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David, poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran, Kayode (sob)