The candidates are summoned to London City Airport at 5am and everyone’s excited about where they might be going. Ooh from City Airport they might even get all the way to Aberdeen!

Kurran’s gone all mystical chosen one “Lord Sugar looked me in the eye and told me I am the next PM”.

Sugar gathers them on the runway (sadly not to hose them in jet fuel) informing them that the British Airline market is on a high (maybe everyone’s trying to fuck off) so they have to create a brand and advertisement for a new budget airline – including designing a “uniform” and pitch it to industry experts.

There’s some jiggery pokery for no reason whatsoever so Typhoon now comprises Tom, Sabrina, Sian, Sarah, Jasmine and Kayode. Sabrina once went into a travel shop or something so is elected leader and settles on a business target market setting Sian as subteam leader to design the brand and uniform as she designs swimming cozzies, whilst she takes Kayode and Jasmine to work on the advert. Kayode’s keen on including humour and wants to depict a businessman so harassed by plebs next to him on the flight that he can only find peace with his laptop whilst taking a shit. Jasmine is DEFINITELY not keen on toilet humour. She may well be professional and the likely winner but she’s a proper joy vacuum this episode.

Collaborative now comprises Daniel, Khajida, Camilla, Jackie and Kurran their glorious leader. “Everything I’ve done in my life has led to this moment” he drawls, “I suppose you’re all glad here to experience this”. Tumbleweed. He wants to aim at business too but Camilla shouts him down into going “party” (*Marvin Voice in My Head* “Sounds hideous.”) insisting “It was MY decision.. I just took a moment to visualise it”. Whatevah. Naturally Kurran insists on directing the advert whilst Jackie and Camilla are off to do branding and uniform. They’re buzzing with frankly terrifying brand names. Strawpedo? (Sounds like a child molesting scarecrow). Jet-Pop! (Why not call it Cloud Explosion and be done with it?).

Dan suggests making the beach the airline, “You walk onto the plane but it’s a beach with girls there”. I reckon they should just do a speed version of the pilot episode of Lost complete with the propeller bit. Kurran does fuck all apart lean back chewing his pen but somehow persuades everyone to high five him. He’s such a bloody princeling.

So in apparently “Fashionable East London” the branding teams get designing at design studios. Jackie and Camilla go crazy with hideous fabrics because Camilla is so fricking “fashion savvie”. They end up creating day glo “boob tubes” ideal for leaning over people with hot drinks. “Where are your boobs?” asks Camilla, “They’re like here” Jackie points out helpfully. Claude is endearingly worried about “stewardesses” getting chilly.

Sian utterly ignores the archly helpful designer and comes up with some weird Aladdin inspired trouser suit with a peplum (Designer “It looks like a nappy”) and a draped bit of curtain which Karren reckons is totally copied from big airlines. The designer flounces off (“I’m glad I was here to guide you” – subtext – you ignorant bitch).
NOBODY points out that both these uniforms are for women. We are in the 1970s here.”
Jasmine offers her directing skills (“I’ve directed a music video”) but Sabrina says she’ll direct the ad. Jasmine shoots her a dark “On your head be it” look.

Kurren suggests the name Pangaea which nobody understands. He explains it to the subteam (“It’s planet earth before the continents broke down”) and they glaze over before suggesting Strawpedo and Jet-Pop, but he insists they use his name, even if they think it’s crap. He takes the advert team to film in Southend. Talk about exotic! Poor Megan the model not only gets to freeze her tits off in a deckchair whilst Kurran wildly improvises the plot, she also has to pretend to be Dan’s girlfriend and listen to Kurran (“I cant even tell you how beautiful you look its actually making me emotional”). Khadija’s concerned Kurran’s not following the agreed storyboard but he insists he’s not doing it off the cuff. Just making it all up. Khadija deals with her annoyance by screeching over the shots and throwing a wobbly when she’s admonished for this. Kurran controls all the editorial decisions (“I want the logo at the start”, Designer “Doesn’t that usually come at the end”, Kurran “Er yeah I’d like it both at the beginning and end”) and won’t listen to anyone else, doing big “Talk to the hand” gestures. “Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel” he repeats like Alan Patridge refusing to drive a Mini Metro rather than let his subteam colleague have his say. Dan just laughs “OK” (wanker).

Sabrina films (with constant intervention from a stony faced Jasmine) in a mock plane cabin which looks way more comfy than Ryanair. The point of the advert seems to be a comparison between a shite airline full of twats (played by Kayode with an inflatable flamingo) and a relaxing experience on their business focused service). “What comes before Part-B?” nudges Kayode. “Part-AY!”. (Doesn’t it come before Part-F? Oh sorry). Jasmine is not amused and declares it CRING-AY. Kayode looks sad like a puppy that’s been told off for peeing on a rug. Sabrina manages to put the fun back in by choosing Highway to Hell as the theme tune. If it had cut to classical music when the business-friendly alternative was shown this might just have worked. Jasmine looks thoroughly mortified and insists she can turn the advert around if she’s allowed to edit, making a big song and dance over sitting next to Steven the designer so she can pretend Kayode and Sabrina don’t exist (“You can edit from your own chair!”).

Sian’s team come up with the name Manageair (I see what they did) and come up with a weird logo that’s meant to represent a clock (why?) but looks like a Masonic symbol crossed with a doodle of stick figures having sex. Karren does a big yawn. The rest of the team look bored and confused. Tom insists anyone would remember that logo (if it was branded onto their face?). Sarah frumps in in the uniform which Jasmine thinks looks like a high-end Middle Eastern airline.

Jackie and Camilla proudly unveil Jet Pop to Kurran’s profound sadness and Dan’s concern (“The O looks like an explosion”). MrFunnyFarm points out that Kurran’s sulky silence and posture seems to be based on Tony Montana from Scarface. I just think he’s acting the twat. The slutty uniform is modelled by Jackie. Dan’s unconvinced. Kurran (of course) loves it and surprisingly doesn’t suggest in-flight lapdances.

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“I said call it Pangaea you fuckin Cockaroaches…”

So it’s off to conduct Market Research at Heathrow and the Stewardesses (no stewards) are all horrified by Jackie’s adjustable straps (“borderline tacky”), but think the Manageair branding is too dull.

Jackie’s “super keen” to help pitch in an annoying girly “stewardess” voice (arggh!) introducing her “flight crew” (Kurran “I’d prefer if you made me captain”).

Sabrina picks Tom and Sian to co-pitch, putting “professional speaker” Kayode’s nose out of joint (“Can I give suggestions based on my experience”) until she offers him the chance to introduce the pitch and he’s all happy again.

At the Pitch Kayode states there has never been an airline “dedicated to business travellers” (Erm there have been a few aimed at them and you can’t exclude anyone else?) before painting a nightmare scenario of being on a plane, “sitting on a chair” (Until they get phased out) “surrounded by noisy kids” (and racists), before showing off the logo which everyone sniggers at like it’s a naughty Rorschach blob (“You like the logo? I like it too!).

From the wings Sabrina whispers “At least it’s making them laugh” whilst Jasmine looks daggers at her. Sarah stands around looking awkward in her Jason King/MC Hammer/Homebase Curtains ensemble and Tom witters about it being an “affordable efficient, relaxing experience for travel” (aren’t three of those words mutually exclusive when it comes to travel?). BA are not happy with “Highway to Hell” and Sabrina’s talk of “irony” isn’t reaching them. Kayode insists in response to a question on how to guarantee it’s “child free” that the advertising will deter families who “know their children are going to make noise” as though there is any other type of family. He is adorable but talks utter bollocks.

Jackie’s Jet-Pop girl is just embarrassing, especially when she gets the name wrong (“Welcome aboard Pop Jet!”) and describes her boob tube (she looks like Olive Oyl wearing a flannel in the uniform) as “easy to wipe down”.
The oddness continues as Kurran bores on about how “difficult the industry is to penetrate”. After the badly dubbed and shot advert, which makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Metropolis, there’s concerns from BA about the name and explosive logo. Jackie insists it looks more like an “explosion of fun”. That one was also sexual. There’s also worries about encouraging passengers to drink, although Dan says it’s “just enough to relax” (that’s a lot of booze to relax on a budget airline”).

The Industry Experts grass up the teams to Sugar describing Typhoon as dated and Collaborative as bizarre and awful. In the Boardroom Sabrina grasses Jasmine up for having no sense of humour and Sugar confirms the Jasmine edited advert was humour free. Kurran has to explain Pangaea to Lord Sugar, which he does at great length causing eyes to roll and graze. Nobody’s any the wiser. Kurran blames the branding team for not using his great name and Camilla points out they’d struggle if they didn’t know what the fuck it meant.

For once there’s no engineered surprise and Tyhpoon win getting to eat at a Chinese Restaurant because they’re out of treat budget where everyone insists that the win was ALL DOWN TO THEM.

Kurran looks broody as Sugar explains they should have looked at their ideas through “fresh eyes” or even sane eyes.

In the Bridge Café Kurran manages to be a massive twat to everyone. Smart move! “A five year old would come up with a better name” he sneers at Camilla. “You were difficult” he tells Khadija. She insists she’s been the epitome of reserved dignity, warning to camera that she “WILL TELL EVERYBODY HOW IT IS!!” She’s such a delicate flower.
Back in the Boardroom again and Jackie looks like a haunted Katherine Ryan, staying as quiet as possible so Camilla will take the rap for the branding.

Karren does her big pretend right on sisters speech: “Can you image as woman being asked to wear that as a uniform when the main role of stewardesses is ensuring the safety of passengers”. She’s still only saying “Stewardesses” so some fucking feminist she is.

Jackie fibs and says Kurran didn’t insist that they had to use his name suggestion. Khadija goes on a big rant about being told off for “being too enthusiastic” before having an amusing go at Dan for being a diva during his acting stint (“You SAT in a DECKCHAIR!”). Kurran still doesn’t see what’s wrong with the advert. No he can’t be this deluded – he wants his own telly show or newspaper column doesn’t he? (It won’t be in the Mail, sorry mate).

He brings back Camilla and says he’d like to bring in Jackie but she “did well in the pitch” (eh?) so chooses…. Khadija. As Dan and Jackie depart Khadija has a whinge (“She had to be good in the pitch – she created it” ooh saucer of milk).

It all gets a bit surreal with Kurran relaying Sugar’s questions to Camilla and talking as though our favourite Nookie Bear faced peer isn’t over the table from them.
Kurran blames the name, stating he contributed a name. “Oh yeah, I remember. The rubbish one” snaps Camilla. Khadija just whines on about being told off for being “passionate”. Sugar suggests she sounds argumentative. “No I’m not I’m POSITIVE!”. She turns on Kurran “The difference between us is I own a business, you just want to be an actor” (that’ll be it) and Kurran reaches peak twat (“Can I first deal with Khadija then I’ll deal with you Camilla”).

Sugar worries about Khadija being disruptive (“I won’t be!”) but ultimately it has to be Kurran who’s fired (“Thanks for giving me a shot”) and the girls are sent home with marked cards. Kurran doesn’t even hug them with his good arm, he’s all “See you on the flip side baby” before insisting in the Taxi of Fevered Brows that he was robbed and his advert was “GOLD”. True art is never recognised in it’s time eh.

Next week the teams set up urban gardening businesses and promisingly get let loose with chainsaws.

Should win despite being a Joy Vacuum: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode

Warming to: Daniel

Meh: Sian, Sabrina, Camilla

Bit of a Nob: Tom

Potentially Evil: Khadija, Sarah Ann

Cruella De Ville: Jackie

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick, Kurran

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