The candidates are summoned to the Adelphi theatre in thatWestEnd, and Kurran (darling!) can already “smell the sweat from backstage” (“Theatre may not be right up my street but it will be on my street or at least on the corner”) and announces he is “100% stepping up”. Unfortunately he’s fallen for yet another tenuous task link, as Lord Sugar connects the fact that the musical Kinky Boots was on at this theatre about a shoe factory saved by elves designing “original shoes” (actually shoes for drag acts but they skirt over that) and demands that they do the same, pitching their products to retail – most orders wins. Immediately Kurran backtracks (“I’ve never bought women’s shoes”) and Jackie is elected to lead Collaborative (Kurran, Sarah-Ann, Jasmine, (p)Rick, Kayode) as she buys quirky shoes.

Tom’s moved to Typhoon with Daniel, Khajida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian, who as a swimwear designer is chosen as PM.  She wants to make high heels, but Dan and Camilla, who join her on the design team argue her down shockingly easily into “fashion trainers”. She wants to make them “Colourful, bold and bright so they’re not like other trainers”. Erm – I’m not a fashion expert but aren’t trainers all in hideous colours? Camilla argues her down yet again into going for pink and grey (as she would buy that – which tells me more about her than the trainer market). She wants a carnival theme with colours reflecting the Brazilian flag and dispatches Sabrina, Tom and Khadija to organise the event, unfortunately failing to inform them of the new boring colour scheme. Dan comes up with the idea of having customisable elements which turns out to be a bloody pink bow that you can er put on or take off the trainer. It’s all a bit My Little Pony.


Camilla’s most sophisticated pair of FM shoes.

Jackie’s into the idea of an “urban heel” with a graffiti tag and not the Dalmatian puppy skin shoes I was anticipating. Kurran, having backed down from leadership decides to spend the task rubbishing every decision made and starts moaning about how graffiti is so not down with the kids like he is. “Kurran. I love you, but” Jackie says, and you can almost hear the unspoken  “Shut up FFS!” Kurran wants to work on design, but Jackie thinks it’s “key that someone gets it” and sends him to marketing so she doesn’t have to watch him making hacky faces. Jasmine gets to lead the marketing subteam, and gets (p)Rick to work with as well. Joy! Jackie advises her to “BE STRONG!” In the car Kurran insists the concept is flawed “THAT IS ALL”. Kurran has spoken.

They all head off to Clarks, the cutting edge of shoe design. Jackie’s got her heart set on shoes modelled in her own image (painful) and refuses to listen to anyone elses (Kayode “wedges are urban” Jackie “I wouldn’t wear a wedge” etc etc). With minutes left Jackie finally asks what people think and Sarah-Ann admits she wouldn’t buy them. Jackie drops the slutty mesh, changes the colour scheme and makes the inside yellow (cos that’s the main factor in buying a shoe) and as if by magic Sarah-Ann now loves them and not just because they’re running out of time. Oh no.

Jasmine takes her naughty boys to look for urban props. Kurran is distinctly art-agit in his choices (“You could have a lion’s head with a shoe in it’s mouth”) and (p)Rick gets bored and orders everything whilst insulting the retailer (adding “no offence” at the end of saying something offensive really doesn’t help). Jasmine looks horrified. Kurran wants to host the event in a nightclub. (p)Rick wants a boxing gym and starts going on about Zoolander. Jasmine puts her foot down (“Nobody wants to attend a dingy venue”).

It’s branding time and Daniel takes over again, insisting on the name “Nu-Switch” – even suggesting that as a designer shoe it should be named after himself. Because he added a f(p)Ricking pink bow. They all try to think of one word to encapsulate their impossibly dull shoe and accordingly pass this task to the subteam when they call. Sabrina worries that not actually seeing the shoe may hinder them. Sian hopes “they think of a good name” – such leadership.

On Collaborative Kayode gets urban suggesting “pelt” (don’t ask me, I feel about 90) or “fleekies” (sounds like something from a Rab Burns poem that you scrape from under your sporren, Karren thinks it sounds like “cat food”). Jackie suggests the (not) Lady Macbeth inspired name “Out Out” (I think she says “Ow Ow” at first, which sums up my high heel experience).  She breaks the news to the subteam and Kurran is “down with that”. Jasmine confirms she understands the lingo. She doesn’t look happy though. She does come up with a poster tag line “Why go out when you can go out out”. Kurran tries to insist on “New heel on the block” which doesn’t even making fucking sense and Jasmine looks pointedly at her watch “We’re not doing that sorry”. The rest of the team love her poster and Kurran sits around looking peeved. (Kurran “The last thing I want to do is bring negative energy” (really?) “but it’s about what the retailers think”. What a ray of sunshine.

When Sabrina finally gets to look at the design she thinks it “looks like something you give to a 4 year old girl” and worries that the branding may confuse client. They come up with the shoe name “Vibing 1.0” which sounds like a personal massager and the tag line “Nu-Switch: Switch your steps”. What? Sian and Dan aren’t impressed and Camilla points out “with all due respect” (i.e. none) that they were asked to come up with the name as the design team couldn’t. Sian sends Khadija, Sabrina and Tom to make canopies whilst she takes the others to do consumer research. Literally everyone thinks they are child’s shoes. Even the mad lady with pink hair who loves pink wouldn’t buy them.

Jackie’s market research team (including Kurran who’s spared from making canapés due to having one arm) have the opposite problem as only old ladies want to wear the milfy shoes – and they have no idea what a fleeky is (and would probably try to treat it with dettol or fabreze), whereas the youth say “yes we get the attempt at urban branding but YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”

Jasmine is super eager to make appetising canapés, whilst (p)Rick can’t be arsed and left to his own devices would probably splash out on TWO types of crisp. He gets a strop on being asked to wrap ham condoms around breadsticks (to be fair I don’t understand either). “Is there not a machine we can use” he whines. “Yes a machine called (p)Rick” Jasmine sasses.

The trainer is unveiled to dishonest gasps at the beach bar they’ve picked for the launch. “How did the consumer feedback go?” asks Sabrina. “Er pretty good” LIES Sian. Camilla thinks it should be aimed at a “younger market” based on the feedback rather than her own eyes. As the retailers arrive they all agree NOT TO DEVIATE from the agreed price range. It’s a tough crowd, trying to work out why a carnival theme is used to pitch a startrite princess plimsoll.  Sian and Dan immediately DEVIATE from the price range to get sales, whilst poor Tom adheres to it rigidly with a look of pure apology on his big face.

The Urban heel is revealed and Jackie thinks it should be aimed at “women who want to make a statement”, especially if that statement is “old and available”. They still hip hop all the boys up at their launch. Jasmine starts pitching to a bridal shoe company (“Yellow is a wedding colour”) but (p)Rick is irritated that it’s not immediate sale and suggests they “don’t want to waste time” talking to the client, in front of the client (“no offence”). Jasmine is again mortified “Please don’t speak, you’re just offending them” and when he insists they’re not interested says she will have to ask him to leave. “Don’t speak to me like that” snaps (p)Rick, getting the fight he was so eagerly looking for. Eventually he moves away and what do you know, Jasmine sells the shoe. The retailer probably just wanted to stick it to (p)Rick.

Khadija’s having the opposite problem, and offers to lower her price (ha the look on Tom’s face!) whilst still loudly haranguing the poor shoe bloke who’s repeatedly said he isn’t interested. Sabrina tries to pull her aside, but Khadija won’t budge so Sabrina quietly asks “If he’s not interested do you want to keep going?” Khadija turns on her “It’s really rude of you to say that in front of a customer and embarrassing to me” and is full of hard-faced fury to Sabrina for the rest of the episode. Tom despairs to Sian that three customers wanted him to drop the price and she “admits” that she and Dan may have dropped the price “just once” (LIES). Tom’s “really frustrated” (fucking fuming).

Jackie manages to use Jedi mind t(p)Ricks to make a shoe shop chain owner switch his order up from 500 to 2000. Kayode’s mojo is missing however as he fails to answer questions about marketing and waffles on about aiming at “not ONLY the younger demographic but also the older demographic too” before letting the customer walk away from a deal (“No problem I appreciate your concerns”). Shoes are kryptonite to Kayode.

Kurran’s far shitter though and keeps questioning potential customers as though he has no faith in the product (honest I suppose): “Do you think you’d see the shoe in your store?”, “Do you think it will sell?”. Of course he sells nothing and blames Jackie for the shoe.

Board Room time and Kurran’s accused of bottling his shot at being PM.

Sugar does a “hip op” joke from the past before describing the Out Out as “more lobotomy than Leboutin”. As the black man on the team, Kayode seems to have become Sugar’s urban translator, explaining what Hip Hop is and what fleekies means. “It sounds like (p)Rickets” Sugar complains. “I’ve often said you’re on fleek Alan” soothes Claude. Haha.

Jasmine reveals the marketing team wasted time bickering unprofessionally over micro details and both Kurran and (p)Rick act like nobheads in response.

Sian gets stick for over-deferring to Dan and Camilla (“I just realised my idea was more niche” she argues) and not for telling the rest of her team about changing her policy on pricing so they could have got more sales.

Khadija accuses Sabrina of saying “He’s not interested – move on!” in front of the customer. Er that didn’t happen, but Khadija is one of those scary ladies who always looks on the verge of decking someone so Sabrina lets it lie. Later Khadija loudly and blousily and er overbearingly accuses the softly spoken Sabrina of being “overbearing”.

Anyhow the results are in and Collaborative made £61,600 (with about £50k down to Jackie).

Somehow, and yes this show is so often about “surprise” results that they shouldn’t be surprising, but this one is a shocker, Typhoon made £86,603 and are sent to learn Irish dancing.

Jackie pulls a rictus face and looks like she needs to bathe in virgin’s blood. Kayode looks confused. They troop off to the Bridge café where Jackie stands by her concept.

Back in the boardroom – only Jackie and Jasmine made any sales. Kurran again blames the shoe, despite the fact Jackie and Jasmine sold it.

Sugar accuses Sarah-Ann of “hiding in the wings” but she declares she was “instrumental in the creation of the shoe” (not wise seeing as it didn’t sell and we all watched her “contribution”). Kayode says Jackie wasn’t easy to work with (“It was your way or the highway”) and she turns on him.

(p)Rick would have sold but Jasmine took too long in closing her sale. It’s almost as if the room wasn’t full of retailers he could have spoken too instead.

Jasmine thinks Kurran didn’t do much, but Kurran thinks (p)Rick did even less than him.

Jackie decides to bring Kurran and Kayode in. Kayode asks “Why” and the daggers are out (“YOU DIDN’T SELL! YOU WEREN’T INVOLVED IN THE DESIGN”. (p)Rick and Sarah-Ann can count themselves lucky there. But what’s this? In another “amazing” twist Sugar decides he’s “gonna sort this out” and find out who actually did what and they’re ALL brought back in as he’s not happy with Jackie’s choice.

Jasmine gets sent home for actually making a sale. Kayode likewise is safe on past performances.

Everyone justifies their existence. Kurran’s achievement was choosing a “nightclub” for the venue. (p)Rick thinks his gym was a better idea, but isn’t too put out they went for the “disco” ((p)Rick really does live in the 1980s) and proudly announced he got a barrel for £20 that they put the lions head on.

Sugar tells Kurran nobody likes him and he insists Sugar has “the power to make me PM?” Kurran doesn’t do personal responsibility. However Sugar has a bad feeling about (p)Rick and fires him instead telling Kurran he HAS to lead next time, whatever the task.

In the Taxi of Shame, (p)Rick complains that Kurran should have gone but he “threw me under a bus” (kind of the game) before sinisterly announcing that “Lord Sugar will live to regret this”.

Everyone is gobsmacked to see Kurran back and he explains “I alerted Lord Sugar to the fact that (p)Rick did less than me.”

“How is that possible?” splutters Dan, “NOBODY did less than you!”

Next week the teams create a marketing campaign for a new budget airline… nothing can top the masturbating in business class commercial, but I’m hoping for more such filth.

Nostalgia Corner (how RELAXED he looks!):

Has to Win: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode

Meh: Daniel, Sian, Sabrina, Camilla, Sarah Ann

Bit of a Nob: Tom, Kurran

Venomous Harridan: Khadija

Cruella De Ville:, Jackie

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex, (p)Rick