The candidates are summoned to the Albert Hall, apparently famous for being the venue for the world’s first body building competition. And with that tenuous link the teams have to sell high end products and services at a bodybuilding expo in Birmingham. Most money wins.

Kayode’s switched to Collaborative with Jackie, Sarah-Ann, Jasmine (who plans to put “150 million percent” into the task. Arggh!), Kurran , Tom and (p)Rick (who is in a weird stalky mood as he confesses that feels like he’s somehow betraying Frank: “I’m sat in his seat.. I’m sleeping in his bed”). Jackie is “super happy” to put herself forward as she knows a lot about exhibitions and sod all about body building. Sarah-Ann puts herself forward as a gym bunny. (p)Rick tries ironically to muscle in on Jackie’s bid by saying he’d be best as he is unaware of gym equipment and does an excruciating “Who votes for me?!” bid to tumbleweed. “Thanks guys” he huffs, “I’m not offended”.

It’s all a bit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Shk8HawnCTs

Kurran gives him a pity vote, but Sarah-Ann wins the bid for team leader. She asks Kayode what he wants to do and he’s all over products. (p)Rick however nicks his spot and he and Tom join Sarah-Ann in selecting products. Kayode’s nose is well out of joint (“Even Ray Charles could see I was infuriated.. it’s going to be very joyful to say I told you so”).

raycharles_001

You piss off Kayode, you piss off Ray…

Meanwhile Alex and Daniel are sent to Typhoon with Khajida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian. Dan’s all “Kayode who needs him?” about losing their top seller. Sabrina’s elected Project Manager making Sian the sub team leader on services, whilst Sabrina Dan and Alex head off too look at products.

Collaborative choose massage as their service although Jasmine’s concerned it is least expensive, Jackie overrules her. Typhoon choose spray tanning (Khajida “it can’t be that difficult to just spray” (oh oh!) and they decide to focus on “body parts as it will be quicker and make more money”. What could possibly go wrong?

Sabrina does some super sucking up whilst investigating products be it sparkly gym bikinis (“Amayyyyzing!”), bizarre gimpy home saunas that you zip yourself into like a suicidal spy (“I like it!”) or specialist gym torture implements. Unfortunately Alex isn’t quite on the ball, nodding sagely (and blankly) at the gym bikini purveyor’s comment about the high cut leg line making peoples legs look longer, or surreally quizzing Steve the gym equipment guy about whether his equipment is guaranteed or insured whilst Dan pulls “WHAT THE FUCK” faces in the background.

Sarah-Ann’s approach is more akin to Oscar Wilde’s comment about cynics. They don’t even ask what the items do they just talk price, price, price and “how many have you sold!” Unsurprisingly Steve the gym equipment man goes with Sabrina (who bounces around being super excited) and Sarah-Ann is left with the home sauna dungeon thing ((p)Rick tries to bravado up saying “It’s a blessing in disguise” but he’s fooling no-one). Steve does add that he very nearly didn’t choose Collaborative as Alex was a thicky, but Alex says this will inspire him.

Bizarrely the one-armed Kurran is on Collaborative’s massage team. Maybe he’s on hand-job duty? They get taught how to pretend to know what they’re doing whilst slapping people around a bit whilst saying “Ju Ju Ju!”, but Kayode seems to have a natural talent and practically massages Jackie to orgasm. They decide to charge £2 a minute or £3 if you are on a CHAIR. It’s like if Ryanair did massages (except without the racist sat next to you).

Typhoon’s girls stare in horror at the spray tan gun demo, which has various settings. “How do you turn it off?” asks Camilla. “Just press the button”. Sian decides they should do the tans as quickly as possible. Why not just dowse your punters in orange paint? They decide to flog tans at £25 for a top up and £60 for a full tan.

So it’s off to Birmingham and Kayode’s hyped (“Stay busy we get the Lizzy”)., but unimpressed by the gimpy sauna (“I’m naturally more interesting and charismatic than them.. I would have got the best product”). (p)Rick’s looking for angles (“You could sell it as an office and just work in there”).

Sabrina asks Alex to get people using the gym equipment – when he has no idea how to use it. Yeah fuck YOU health and safety! Dan manages a sale straight away whilst Alex stands around looking dopey.

Tom’s really selling the sauna (“this heals muscles.. it’s like a healthy version of steroids”). (p)Rick is just creepy (“You can get in with your makeup on – we can go in there now”, “Hi girls are you on the lookout for something to get warm in?”) or desperate (Sat next to man in sauna “This is where you can talk crap”; man looks at him sadly and nods). “We need to fish for them… but not too fishy” Tom advises before going on to sell lots of saunas and love himself mightily.

Kayode, Jasmine and Jackie get stuck into massages whilst poor Kurran stands around looking like a spare dick with one bandaged bullock. “Almost everyone’s pulling their weight” Jackie says archly.

Camilla has her first tan customer. “Amazing!” she exclaims confronted by a man in pants. She then fails to find the extractor fan whilst her punter frets (“You have done this before? “Don’t worry – I’m a tanning enthusiast”. I like how Karren peers in and backs away with a grimace. “Pop your clothes on” announces Camilla post spray “and we’ll do the payment”. She makes it sound like a brothel. It works as before long Typhoon are churning out muscly oompa loompahs.

The teams are offered a spot on the main stage to drum up business. Collaborative embrace this (especially Kayode who dances up a storm, and Kurran (continuing the brothel theme with the slightly pimpy “You name it we will massage it!”)). The crowd don’t exactly go wild, mind.

Typhoon waste time arguing on who should go with Sian refusing when Sabrina asks as she’s expecting more customers. Rather than throw her weight around (and she has a choice of weights) Sabrina abandons her stall taking Dan and Alex onto stage where she’s bright and enthusiastic; organising a press-up challenge; but totally fails to mention their products and services. The crowd stare, unblinking.

Sabrina decides to swap the sale-less Alex with Khadija prompting Alex to cross his arms and sulk at being expected to sell “female products” on the spray tan stall. He can’t have any gay friends bless him. However Sian then gets obsessed with selling cheapo body sponges and rollers, abandoning the more lucrative spray tan stall.

(p)Rick is phoning John who promised to come back to him and buy a sauna and it’s like listening to a teenage girl being dumped. “It’s Rick… John are you there? You said you’d come back”. Awwww! He’s worried he’s let himself down. As though there was some sort of standard he’s been previously attaining.

In the boardroom, Alex wears glasses to look clever and even they are wonky.

Sarah Ann blames (p)Rick for talking about price to Steve Gym-Man.. until Sugar points out that Steve said it was all her (lying cow).

Kurran insists he tried his absolute best. I wouldn’t admit to that.

Sarah Ann complains that people said they would come back and didn’t. Has she never said the same after helping herself to free food samples at a farmer’s market?

(p)Rick despairs at his lack of sales (“I came close on so many occasions” – yeah to being maced).

Alex is put in his place about the insurance questions (“What’s that got to do with you?!”). He’s still sulking about being swapped with Khajida, insisting “nobody buys anything at the start of the day” (apart from the bloke who bought that gym stuff off Dan whilst he stood around doing nowt).

Anyhow results are in and Typhoon made £1369 on gym equipment and £269.99 on spray tans making £1638.99. However Collaborative made £1389 on saunas (considering Tom sold one for a grand the rest is a bit shit, no?) and £503.50 on massages making £1892.50 so they get to go boxing with David Hay (I have to explain to Mr Funnyfarm that David Hay is a boxer, they’re not just sticking the candidates in a carpark and bribing vagrants to fight them). David Hay points at Kurran, “What’s with the sling?!” “He broke his arm!” laughs Tom. “HAHAHA!”. Kurran looks like a wounded puppy, but realises he’s “dodged a bullet” (by winning or not fighting David Hay I’m unsure).

Sabrina also looks sad and Sugar points out that they had the best product and gym Steve said he sold 10 of his torture devices a day and they sold 2 or something.

It’s back at the Bridge Café and Alex is still griping that he wasn’t there to sell in the golden last hour when everyone decides they want a “rack” or whatever the fuck that thing was. He’s still griping he was a “scapegoat” back in the boardroom.

Sian’s pretty feisty about not having wanted to go on the stage, and Sugar blames Sabrina for missing the opportunity. Sabrina brings back Alex and Sian and wibbles on how she should stay as she’s under 30 as though she’s on Logan’s Run. It all descends into a shouty match, which Alex manages to break by insisting he has a “millionaire mind set” at which Lord Sugar and everyone go “You what?!”

“I will make myself PM!” Alex digs “I am a natural salesman.. I was put in the wrong place at the wrong time… I’d like to talk my way out of this”. Really Lord Sugar has no option but to fire him, it not being considered OK to defenestrate candidates. However he messes with the girls minds saying he’s free to “dispose” of more than one person. Poor Sabrina can only talk in frightened little girl whispers now. Ugh! It’s a relief when he sends them back to the house.

In the taxi of delusion, Alex is like a junior David Moyes: “I AM a great salesman! At 21 it’s a massive achievement to get this far…” (to be fair love, doing up your laces was a massive achievement).

Back at the house, (p)Rick is still brooding. Kurran’s “got a feeling Lord Sugar’s gonna walk through that door and fire me”… Now that would be sort of funny. Instead Sian and Sabrina returns, the latter no longer a lisping victim, but full of business intent (“We need to up our game!”). I think we’ve all seen through her game.

Next week the teams design and sell a shoe range for women – it’s going to kick off…

 

My Tip to Win: Jasmine

Can’t help liking: Kayode, Kurran

Meh: Daniel, Sian, Sabrina, Camilla

Disliking: Tom

Potential for Evil: Sarah Ann, Jackie, Khadija

Utter arsehole: Tom

Prick: (p)Rick

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank, Alex

 

 

 

 

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