It’s the 4.30am obligatory shot of Alex showing off his skinny torso in pants – only worth mentioning as it’s the most he does all episode. At the creepy House Mill (looks like something out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre) Sugar tasks the teams with making trendy doughnuts to flog to the public as well as a bespoke order to corporate clients (yes we get it, mills make flour etc etc!). They’ve got two days – most profit wins.

It’s time to stir the cesspit and mix the teams with Jackie, Sarah-Ann and Jasmine joining Tom, Frank, Kurran and Rick. They choose Jackie’s team name “Collaborative” (bleugh) and Tom puts himself forward to lead because he deals with corporate clients – nobody argues. Kurran suggests a sweet and savoury option, which Jasmine thinks will appeal to a “high end palate” (because the rest of us plebs can’t even deal with the notion of cheese and cake). Tom annoyingly does everything by committee (“Jackie can do corporate and Jasmine lead the cooking sub-team if that’s er alright with everyone” etc). Karren is disgusted by this demonstration of democracy.

Meanwhile Kayode, Alex and Daniel join Khalida, Sabrina, Camilla and Sian. Alex suggests the name “Impotus” which is rejected as it sounds too much like “impotent” so Sabrina’s suggestion of Typhoon wins. High on this success Sabrina wants to lead the team but Camilla trumps her with her nut-milking expertise. Sabrina looks sad. She then suggests making rainbow doughnuts with sparkles and glitter and unicorns, but Camilla lays down the law on a best of British Brexit doughnut range featuring tea and biscuits. Sabrina looks sad again and somewhere a fairy dies. Camilla softens and lets her lead the corporate sub-team with Daniel and er Alex.

Collaborative’s sub-team head to a restaurant called Beach Blanket Babylon or something and Jackie decides to make the doughnuts in the shape of Bs. She schmoozes with the restaurant lady “We are MASSIVE fans of your restaurant – I live near Shoreditch so I’ve been to your new one”. “It’s not new” says the restaurant lady, pointing out it’s been there 10 years (Jackie “REALLY???!”) so she hands over to Kurran who grins and blinks inanely. They offer lots of golden B doughnuts for £5 each but only get an order for 50. Tom somehow manages to talk the price down to £4.65 when nobody was arguing about it cos he likes the sound of his voice. Kurran’s not convinced B shaped doughnuts are possible, but Jackie’s insistent.

Back in the kitchen Frank gets to test a hot sauce doughnut and nearly dies. Rick suggests it might not be for everyone but Jasmine’s insistent that chocolate and chilli is a thing (it is but not with fricking Sriracha! I do like Frank’s suggestion of calling it “fire in the hole”). She also comes up with peanut butter, salted pretzel and sweet popcorn flavour – which I would bloody well eat.

Sabrina’s subteam head to “Bread Ahead” “high end bakers” where they also manage to over-promise – offering to incorporate the baker’s coffee brand into their espresso martini doughnuts. Bread Ahead get a bit bread-heady by quibbling about the prices if they’re contributing a few poxy coffee beans and Sabrina offers them 110 doughnuts for the price of 100 (about £40s worth free then).

Everyone orders their ingredients and get up at 2am to discover that doughnuts are a bit of a bastard to make (you have to prove them for 45minutes and can only fry 6 at a time). Frank’s not sure if he should be focusing on Bs or rings (fnar!) and Tom’s pretty useless at leading (“Does anyone have any input or shall I make a decision?”). Jasmine offers to help Frank out and he’s a bit sulky (“Just let me do it!”) so Tom accuses him of getting emotional and sensibly sends him to fry – yes send the person you think is unstable to deal with the boiling hot oil – that’ll sort it!

Camilla gets everyone into a mass production line – Kayode’s supposed to keep track of products whilst Sabrina works on timings, but she elects herself head of quality control and does everyone’s nut in. “Are you confident with how that looks?” she asks, to Camilla’s impatience (“Just put them in!”). Sabrina has a point – the “design area” looks like an explosion at a sperm bank. The bespoke doughnuts are random iced shapes with a chocolate cigar precariously balanced atop. “They’re artisan!” insists Sarah Ann when Sabrina tries to intervene. Next Camilla supervises topping the Brexit doughnuts. The jam roly poly looks like something you’d find in an abattoir. So Camilla has them sticking jammy dodgers atop. The others are sprinkled with earl grey tea (actual fucking tea! And they consider using the bag! Arggh!) and garnished with custard creams. Claude’s face is a picture. Sorry but trying to beautify these sloppy atrocities is akin to trying to crystal-heal an axe-wound.

gagaphone

“Hi! I’d like another meat dress – and this time stick some jammy dodgers on it!”

 

Sabrina tries to complain to the boys that nobody listened to her and they all laugh. She’s the Cassandra of the series.

Somehow Frank’s team are getting Bs. Well sort of. Jasmine’s concerned that 50 of them has taken nearly three hours. Somehow she manages to turn around the production line when the corporate team have left with their order – and they make 200 in an hour.

Bread Ahead are unconvinced by the espresso doughnuts. “There’s artisan and made in my kitchen at home” says the blokey baker (he’s being generous), “Did you forget to ice that one?”. Sabrina blethers that they didn’t want to over-ice and he sneers in her face pointing out “inconsistencies”. Daniel comes back with “the inconsistencies are generally consistent” (quote of the series to date for me). Somehow they don’t get thrown into the street and get given £280 for the lot rather than the expected £400. Jammy bastards. Camilla is “disappointed”.

Restaurant lady points out that some of the Bs look more like 8s and that they taste of salt. She agrees to hand pick 17 to poison her customers with paying only £77. Tom looks crestfallen. Jasmine looks even sadder when she hears she’s wasted so much time for that.

So it’s time to sell to the public – and Camilla takes Typhoon to Waterloo to sell Brexit doughnuts for £4.50 each. Excuse me while I laugh out loud again. I like the lady who says they look funny and the other lady (who looks like she might like cakes) who just sadly looks at them and says “sorry”. Sabrina comes up with the brainwave of offering tasters in offices and manages to sell a bunch like this.

Team Collaborative have failed to collaborate  on pricing – they’re all over the place. Tom tries selling (untested) at an office only for the poor woman to spit out her chilli chocolate doughnut into a bin. I love her beardy colleague who upon discovering the contents bellows “YOU PUT HOT SAUCE IN A DOUGHNUT???!!” (you can almost hear the unspoken “FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST – WHY???!”). Tom mentally notes to blame Jasmine before they beat a hasty retreat to the next location.

Frank wants to go to Canary Wharf as he’s been there once. Jasmine thinks it’s too far away (so they might miss peak time) and takes them to Shepherd’s Bush Green instead. Unfortunately it’s empty and Rick scares potential customers away with passive aggression (“Come and have a look at my doughnuts – don’t walk away from me!”).

Kayode is a freaking revelation as a salesman of the world’s shittest looking doughnuts (“It’s not about the looks it’s the taste!”). He’s everyone’s mate, sprechen sie deutsching to German blokes and flirting with ladies (“There’s three doughnuts left and guess how many of you there are? You win the maths quiz!”). Something odd happens to Claude’s mouth as he watches Kayode in action – it’s a smile. Awww!

Back in the boardroom and Kurran’s in plaster having fractured his arm (“we were having a sort of arm wrestling”). Sugar’s joke writers have hit jackpot.” I thought actors were supposed to break a leg.. still you finally got into a cast.. I hear you appeared in Casualty!” and everyone else laughs like rabid hyenas as Kurran looks sheepish and pained.

Collaborative get shit for their shit name, flavours and schmoozing fail. Karren as usual is an utter bitch – outing Frank for getting emotional (“No I wasn’t upset I was er hot frying”).

It’s Typhoon’s turn and Sabrina nobly points out how she was definitely going to lead but she decided to give Camilla the opportunity by voting for her. She’s not all there is she? Having witnessed the doughnuts (Daniel – almost proudly –  “As you can see they’re quite terrible.”), Sugar turns to Alex. “Was you on this team?” “Yes” says Alex. “Good” says Sugar. I chuckled.

After all the spend, Collaborative only made £68 profit whereas Typhoon were slightly less rubbish and made £221 (Amazingly!). So they are sent to an ice rink (cos it sounds a bit like “iced ring” geddit?) whereas Collaborative go to blame Jasmine in café doom.

Back in the boardroom and Tom hedges his bets by also calling Frank “emotional”. “Was that the chilli making you cry?” Sugar asks, ever sympathetic. “NOOOO!” says poor Frank, who looks traumatised. Tom presents himself as the hero of the piece (“I leapt in and found solutions”). To think I was blinded by his tree surgery stuff enough to like him. He’s an utter tool. Tom brings back Jasmine and Frank (who he says contributed last and didn’t stay level headed). Ooooh! He accuses Frank of “losing it” and Frank admits he “may have snapped standing in front of four fryers” (Tom: “You had to turn doughnuts Frank”). “I’m a passionate person! Sorry!” wails poor Frank.

Sugar asks Tom about his inability to make decisions and Jasmine leaps in calling him a Co-ordinator without a backbone. When Tom tries to interject Sugar tells him to be quiet. Muwahahah!

Tom has a pop at the chilli doughnuts. “Why didn’t you taste them?” asks Jasmine. “I did!” Tom exclaims, falling right into her trap. “Well why didn’t you say anything”. Go Jasmine!

Sugar attempts unsuccessfully to inject tension (“Tom this task was not meant for you”, Tom: “Can I talk?”, Sugar “No!”) but to nobody’s surprise ever he fires Frank as there’s clearly NO ROOM FOR EMOTION IN BUSINESS! And lots of room for twats.

Tom (“You don’t know what you’re bladdy well doing”) and Jasmine (“no more mistakes!”) have their cards marked though.

Tom doesn’t even give Frank a hug when he leaves (I know that could be the edit but Tom is now dead to me). In the taxi to FAILSVILLE Frank is “devastated” but claims feistily that “Tom failed cos of piss poor leadership”.

Next week the teams sell bodybuilding stuff. And bitch at each other. Wooh.

Starting to love a bit: Kayode

Liking:, Jasmine, Sabrina, Kurran

Meh: Daniel, Sian

What does he do?: Alex

Potential for Evil: Sarah Ann, Jackie, (p)Rick, Khadija

Twisted Evil Genius: Camilla (just for putting biscuits on doughnuts)

Utter arsehole: Tom

Bye Bye: Sarah, David (robbed), poorFrank

 

 

 

 

Advertisements