What better way to round off the Tory Party Conference than strapping yourselves in to watch a bunch of mouth-breathing corporate bell-ends turn everything they touch into steaming jobbies as they compete for 50% of shares in Amstrad MegaTwat Ltd as well as a sinister sounding “no strings attached” £250k. Sugar declares the rules of the game (“Make me money and don’t piss me off”) and unleashes his business rottweilers Karren Brady and Claude “NO MORE MR NICE GUY” Littner before picking on some of the assembled hopefuls.

Estate agent and “nut enthusiast” Camilla Ainsworth seems to be this season’s Hopkins lite Nazi posh girl. Amusingly she owns a nut milk business. This is not a euphemism.

Rick Monk is a Quality Controller from Lancashire who shoots guns (“legally” he points out helpfully”. “I fire things” Sugar wisecracks. Unfortunately not his jokewriters.

Floppy haired charmer and unemployed film extra Kurran Pooni wants to be the first ever actor of Indian descent to get an Oscar. Nobody tell him about Ben Kingsley. I warm to his bio where he states “to be honest I don’t eat, sleep, breathe business” but all the kudos from me evaporate when he adds “but I do eat sleep and breathe success” which sends him screaming back into the wanker file.

Sabrina Stocker sounds like a shit Bond girl. She owns a tennis events company and describes herself as “Willy Wonka drinking an espresso martini”. So an alcoholic weirdo. She perkily (or pervily) offers Claude and Sugar a game of mixed doubles. It just sounds wrong.

Kayode Damali is a “professional speaker” inspiring young people around the country with the knowledge that they too could blag a job based around an ordinary human function. If “Professional pooer” had been on the cards when the careers adviser came round maybe I could be living the dream right now. He describes his tongue as “a lethal weapon”. “What do you do? Lick people to death?” Sugar growls. “It depends on the context”. This show is filthier than Bake Off so far. Kayode adds that he doesn’t “just grab the bull by the horns. I put it in a headlock and squeeze every bit of business out”. Stop it!

Sarah Byrne has done something weird to her bottom lip. She runs a children’s acting academy and enjoys having “children all under my control”. “I do talk a lot” she witters. Hmm bit of a “character”. She’s also got a chip on her shoulder that could soak up an ocean of vinegar. “People think just cos I’ve got a Northern accent I’m a pushover – if you don’t like me then sling yer ‘ook”.

Sugar introduces the 1st task as something that’s “never been done before in week 1”  – sadly it’s not a battle royale, but a trip to Malta (Sugar “Enjoy while we’re still welcome”) to do a treasure hunt for 9 items allegedly celebrating Valetta being the European capital of culture. The task will requite logistics, negotiation and initiative with the team spending least on all the items winning. “This is no holiday” Sugar points out.

The teams mingle and make faces at each other in the cars, whilst the girls try to figure out where Malta in. Sabrina thinks it’s an island. Phew.

Rick thinks the girls will lose because they’re “gonna be fashion conscious and go ‘oh my make up’s running’”. I’m calling him (p)(p)Rick from now on.

Jackie Fast is a yank with a name that sounds like a Martin Amis anti-heroine. “I’m completely ruthless” she simpers. Actually she’s not kidding as she lobs Jasmine Kundra the team leader grenade straight off and will brook no argument (“let’s not waste time”). Sian Gabbidon’s not impressed (“Jackie threw Jasmine under the bus”).

There’s no such shenanigans with the boys as Kayode who shows almost Shakespearean delusional promise nominates himself as the best team leader evah. Alex Finn looks a bit askance. Why does nobody notice his tall haired, trendy spectacles wearing potential? Er probably because he does sod all.

So the items they’re searching for are:

Wine
A Maltese house with coloured doors
Honeycomb
Special salt from the nearby island of Gozo (it can go on Sarah’s shoulder chip)
A cloak
Bamboo curtain things
A “Filigri Boat”
An Octopus with a 40 inch hose. (Frank Brooks, a man with stupid hair who describes himself as “brutal” in his bio and is therefore a nob, decides that the octopus’s hose can be stretched out, and given the final item is a “Fisherman’s trap” the boys are all determined to find themselves a Maltese fisherman. (Unfortunately it transpires the octopus is really a bit of scuba gear. Oops).

Jasmine wants to get the ferry to Gozo, but angry woman Khadija Kalifa (who describes herself as a “serious Mumpreneur”. Ugh) gets all shouty about this and the girls descend into catfighting almost immediately. This must be a series record. Sian is made subteam leader and sent off to market with Khadija and Sabrina so Jasmine can try and get some peace.

The boys cleverly phone tourist information for answers. (p)Rick takes out his subteam (Frank, Daniel Elahi (who in his bio likens himself to the main character in the Wolf of Wall Street. Oh dear) and Kurran) to check out the markets and hilariously mispronounce all the items they need whilst Kayode decides to take the rest to a ghost town, having failed to discover that most of Malta sensibly takes a massive siesta.

Back at hotel girls Jasmine’s mob are still arguing about going to Gozo in search of salt, wine and honey. Sarah Ann Magson (who looks like she wants to skin Dalmatians in her profile pic) is another Northerner who suggests sensibly that they should ring places on the map to visit. They all ignore her. Probably cos she’s Northern eh?

The other Sarah is at the market confusing the locals looking for a boat. “AH SAID A BOWT. WOT YOU SAIL…” she sees their blank faces and changes tack “WE NEED HONEYCOMB…YUM YUM YUM”. Locals stare in incomprehension wondering where this avant garde street theatre is going.

Kayode strides into an antiques store. Tom Bunday, a square looking tree surgeon tries to find a Filigri boat, but there are none with the requisite nine sails. They leave the shop disconsolately. (p)Rick phones to inform them that the Ornella Cloak is very rare and probably only to be found in an antiques store. Could it be that thing we were shown hanging near to the substandard boats. Well surprise surprise it was. Karren gripes that the boys wasted whole seconds leaving and re-entering the shop, but the deal’s done.

The boys ask for an octopus in a diving shop but are sent to a fish shop. Oh oh. “Let’s not go in looking like a group of idiots” (p)Rick briefs them. They go in. “Hi” starts (p)Rick” can I have an octopus with a 40 inch hose?” He confronts the lady fishmonger “Have you heard terminology a hose?” She stares at him probably thinking “yeah you’re one mate”. He then demands a tape measure and they measure the hapless beast’s legs find it’s roughly 40 inches and buy it. Good thing they didn’t make idiots of themselves eh?

Jasmine’s subteam reach the port where she hits them with “can I just say we need to figure out how were gonna get on the ferry”. It’s all about the planning.

Sian’s team move onto the shops. “We need to make sure they like you if you haggle” shouts Khadija who starts trying to negotiate the purchase of a boat. It’s 110 Euros. Sarah jumps in “Can we go to 90 …can I just say 75” (Amazing haggling there Sarah). Somehow she gets away with it as the shopkeeper is a creep “OK -for pretty girls”. Catfight number two ensues outside with Khadija insisting “I would have gone lower” and Sarah accusing her of backstabbing”.

Kayode’s team realise their mistake. “We need to be in a place where its open for business – its not here” points out David Alden, who looks like a tax adviser. Oh he is one. Apparently he has a tendency to be too trusting. Amazon would love him. Kayode’s team abort their mission. Meanwhile, on a tip off from a fish trap salesman, (p)Rick drags his team to the ghost town for bamboo blinds. But what’s this, Kayode spots two curtain shops on the way out of town and manage to pick one up before zooming off to civilisation. (p)Rick finally decides to call Kayode and tell him of his ace plan when they’re parked outside the very same shop. “We already got it” Kayode informs him. (p)Rick whinges on that he’s wasted lots of time as Kayode didn’t tell him. No (p)Rick, you’ve wasted loads of times because you’re an idiot. It’s all a bit Monty Python.

On Gozo – Camilla gushes about the salt (“It’s so white and clean” – yeah – it’s salt). They then realise that they’ve gone to the WRONG ISLAND for the honey. Whoops. Jackie rolls her eyes and tuts as Jasmine decides to risk staying on Gozo and trying to find more tut.

In more hilariously farcical miscommunications, Khadija literally gets a man to take down his own blind for 50 euros, whilst Sian tries to point out it’s not on their list. Over on Gozo we see Jasmine buy a blind for one Euro from an old man whose clearly given up on his blind business. She phones Sian and another bitchscrap ensues.

Alex shows his negotiation skills by only buying two bottles of wine (rather than the 6 needed) and arguing them down manfully from 59 Euros to 58.99. Literally everyone says “FFS!” even the shopkeepers.

Finally back on Malta, Jasmine has gone full on honey monster and is determined to get this honey despite risking being late and Jackie moaning about the honey-maker giving “terrible directions”.

Sian’s team waits anxiously at the airport watching the boys reunite for a group hug and missing several planes. But Jasmine gets her honey so she’s chilled.

“We couldn’t have done anything more” Sarah sighs. Apart from getting all the items, communicating and turning up on time. Jackie twists the knife “If I was in charge wouldn’t have chosen to go to Gozo”  –  yes but you weren’t in charge for some strange reason were you?

Next morning it’s boardroom time. Jasmine gets stick for going to Gozo, although Sugar points out they could have picked up four items there. Sarah’s outted for hijacking Khadija’s negotiation (“Was that me?”). Sugar crowbars a “blind leading the blind” gag.

Kayode’s in full on business bullshit mode trying to take credit for calling the tourist info bods until Karren points out that was Tom’s idea.

Sugar asks if they confirmed what an octopus was – revealing “it was diving equipment and you bought a real live octopus”. Daniel points out helpfully “it was dead”.

Kayode explains the “serendipity” in finding the cloak until Karren calls him out on not asking for it in the shop. “It was so dusty it was probably in the basement” he blethers. “No it was right there” Karren says. “I didn’t go in first so didn’t see it” he flails. “Stop making excuses” snaps Sugar.

Kayode explains he didn’t go to Gozo for the Gozo salt as he thought he could source it locally “in an off license”. He is not of this world is he? Karren pulls him up on this and he rejoins “I dunno I’ve never been to Malta!”  Please keep him in for the interviews!

Anyhow the boys brought 7 items for 128 Euros – but as the octopus was wrong and they only bought 2 bottles of wine they’re fined shit loads. The resulting spend is 764 Euros.

The girls also got 7 items, spending 191 Euros As the honey was bought after the deadline and they got two blinds and turned up late they’re even more leaving a total of  929 Euros. Kayode has the nerve to fist pump (“That’s what I’m talking about!”) until Sugar points out “this aint no great win”.

For winning, as (p)Rick points out “by default”, they get to eat a Maltese feast in the house. (Kayode “I’m more hungry than Budapest!” er what?)

The girls get more time to argue in the new corrugated café Doom, with Jasmine calling out Jackie for nominating her as PM and then just undermining her and Jackie going all hacky (“I’m pissed off as it’s clear who’s responsible”). Sarah has a pop “Why didn’t you as the Projac.. I mean project manager do something” and Jasmine describes her as a “horse who can’t be held back”. Sarah goes all CLASS WAR (“Oooh sorry I’m not middle class and posh”). I think the chip needs ketchup.

Back in the boardroom Jasmine takes the rap for being late. Camilla tries to take credit for arguing against going to Gozo and for making sure they got enough salt (“I’m grateful at that point you were paying attention Camilla!”). Jackie claims nobody was given any jobs or role responsibilities and Jasmine describes her as “the opinionator”. Jackie gives her snarling evils. Jasmine brings Jackie and Sarah back.

Claude finds Jackie “manipulative”. She’ll go far.

Back in and Sarah admits she “became disruptive at one point” (cough) “but it was just a disagreement and will never happen again”. Jasmine asks why Sarah rowed with her in Café Doom and Sarah doesn’t deny it, thus rendering her previous statement bollocks. “You seem to think you’re better than me!” she gripes. Anyhow Sugar fires her, and she fortunately doesn’t immediately shout “IT’S COS AHM WORKING CLASS ISN’T IT?” She’s upbeat in the Taxi of Despair and vows to “strive for success”.

Jackie’s card is well and truly marked. For playing the game.

Back at the house, Daniel’s decided he would fire all three for being hopeless.

Khadija is in proper hard-faced mode “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.. so we’re about to reunite and kick your arses”.

Next week they design a comic.

Liking: Tom, Kurran, Sian

Meh: Alex, Daniel, Camilla, Sabrina, David, Jasmine, Frank

Potential for Evil: Jackie, Sarah Ann, Khadija

Potential for Delusion: Kayode,(p)Rick

Bye Bye: Sarah

 

 

 

 

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