Week 10 and 7 contestants remain. I don’t think I can cope with more 5am men in their pants. Fortunately it’s Liz in a dressing gown looking much like I would at that time of day. Poor woman. They’re all summoned to Somerset House, like now and nobody knows what it is. Jo and Jade bitch about Liz in the taxi there (Jo “I hope it’s not antiques cos that’s probably another module Liz studied”. Jade “What cos it is an antique”).

This week’s tenuous link from Sugar is that Somerset House has hosted fashion shows. The teams have to choose a designer, choose a magazine cover and sell to the industry. And someone loses for no tangible reason.

Jo and Michaela move to Graphene  (with Liz and James) who get men’s fashion – Jo wants to PM as her business plan is about clothing. They all say yes. Michaela and Liz get sent as a subteam to meet male models. There is much rejoicing and Liz goes a bit Father Ted judging the “Lovely Girls” competition.  Jo and James go to meet designers.

Sarah is moved to Vitality who get women’s fashion. Harrison does not put himself forward as he knows sod all about ladies fashion. Sarah likewise so Jade is PM by default. Jade isn’t sure what is reasonable commission – Sarah says just talk to them. Sarah is apparently an expert on negotiating but lets Jade go off to meet the designers by herself. Harrison and Sarah interview models. Much ding donging ensures.

The designs range from top end (Think “Cousin it” or tinfoil hats) to more “mainstream”. They all look mental (types the woman wearing an M&S sale dress).

Jade meets Helen from “Helluva Girl” (“This was inspired by post apocalyptic regal rock and roll I won designer of the year last year”) Jade says “Ooh” and shakes on it, after negotiating commission of 10% and not asking about discounts Jade (“they are higher price so we can push on commission”). She phones her subteam (“Think Henry VIII meets darkness and rock and roll”). The highest price dress costs £1045 but Sarah’s unconvinced by how much Jade squeezed for commission. “Well” Harrison surmises “It looks like were going for a deathy gothic sort of theme which is er nice”. He and Sarah pick their models based on the new theme (Harrison: “I quite liked Ella Jess and the Ginger one”). Jade takes pictures of the model “Give us a Grrrr” and is looking for a “Dark and sinister rock and roll regal tudoresque bold statement”. The model leans back slightly, “YES! I love it!”.

Jo meets Zara Mia who makes cheaper clothes with an ethical messages made out of coconut and bamboo and guilt.  I bet they chafe like fuck. She gets 17% commission and a 10% discount if the whole range is bought.  They phone the subteam designing the front page and James suggests “Fashion Conscious with a Conscience”. Michaela gets confused by how to spell Conscious and Conscience and everybody facepalms.

Jo and James go to the photoshoot and Jo decides she wants two models. James is all “Well I could do it” because HE WANTS THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER. (“I can go into photoshoot .. I’ve never done anything like that but I can do it.. I am the target market .. the magazine will love it”). Yes James. Ironically he is much prettier than the selected model, who Jo asks to act as James’s conscience in the photos. Whilst wearing crap urban clothes. Michaela and Liz pick up the ensuing pictures and Michaela mentions that a shot featuring James holding his hands as in prayer signals “ethical to her”. Liz adds a bamboo background. They actually work together really well.

Next day it’s fashion show time. Sarah’s all about discounts until Jade reveals she didn’t negotiate any. She was on her own FFS.

Jo we remember negotiated 17% commission and 10% discount – but she reminds her team she doesn’t want it offered straight off – just used as an incentive.

Sarah likes the magazine cover and Jade is determined to “pitch the hell out of this”.

Graphene like their cover but Liz points out that she only did the bamboo and Michaela did all the better than bamboo stuff (which is nice unless she thinks bamboo is somehow a sure fire winner).

Michaela and Liz set up (Michaela: “Try that outfit” [Liz appears in Kevin & Perry style get-up] “… yeah better than what you come in”).

Sarah and Harrison set up (Harrison “It’s like a gold ghost –ones’ a cape, the other’s a space raider; one’s like something out of Dawn of the Dead”).

Jade pitches to Stylist Magazine using Helen Woollens’ name. They ask is that her brand and she bluffs “yes”. They get a bit kickass on her arse as a result and when they ask if she means “Helluva Girl” she lies that it’s the new brand going forward. Erm.

Jo meets her magazine guys and nobody is impressed when she identifies James as one of the models (Magazine Guy to James: “Your pose is more amateur magician”). They hate that the picture has 2 people and that the background is bland. Jo blames her subteam. James looks on the bright side now all his dreams have come true “It’s still a good brand – we have to sell it”).

Jade gets the cover! She meets her subteam putting up “Helen Woollens” balloons at the Oxo tower and lets slip the designer goes by her brand name (“I said were moving forward with her as a designer”. Helen turns up and looks angry as she wants people to know her brand so Sarah hides all the balloons in the cupboard”.

Jo insanely appoints Liz as director of the Graphene catwalk. As you know by now I love Jo but if she gets a role she’s passionate to the point of inflexibility about it. Sure enough Jo wants to run the models through their moves and Liz won’t let her (“If you want me to direct” etc). Oh Liz – directors still have to see what they have to work with. Jo was right there.

Harrison’s taking a break on this task from now on (“ I don’t have a business plan that has anything to do with catwalking”). Bye bye Harrison.

Buyers arrive for the pictures and Jo invites them to “feel the love and the eco friendly contemporary fashion”.  She basically lists prices of the outfits on display which makes sense. Even James does a star turn as extra model and if anything he’s better than the professional ones as he takes his time (naturally) on the catwalk, giving buyers a proper look (I suspect that’s not how catwalks are meant to work and it’s all deliberately quick because rich arseholes will buy anything). But whatever THIS IS JAMES’ MOMENT IN TIME. He does Blue Steel and Magnum bless him!

James Blue Steel

Vitality next and the room appears to have had no attempt made to make it look special, which was Harrison and Sarah’s job. Jade stutters in her opening gambit and then talks absolute fashion wank without mentioning prices (let’s face it – at this end it’s probably gauche to do so).  Industry people look bored and not even Jade stuttering “When you put this on you become queen of mars” can improve things.  Harrison thinks Jade was “awesome”. Oh bless him.

In the post catwalk mingle Jade has to admit she has no discounts  and Karren notes that Harrison in his eager but not quite confident way morphs into Sarah’s sales assistant. Meaning Sarah gets more sales (although most people there think the brand is too expensive – oops).

Graphene sell like bitches although Michaela gets carried away harassing non-takers (“Surely you want something diff to what H&M do?!” Fashion retail lady runs away).

Boardroom Time and Sugar’s full of larfs, describing Vitality’s brand as “bacofoil is the new black”.  Karren gets away with more sexism “You enjoyed auditing models didn’t you Harrison?” because it went over his head a bit “”Yeah I thought I’d take one for the team”.

Sarah disses Jade about only getting 10% commission but Sugar points out that could be a lot of money on a high end item.

Sugar suggests that Liz on Graphene could be “Hugo Bossy”. Oh ha ha ha. Michaela get stick for her aggressive sales technique.

And it’s points mean prizes time or something:-

Vitality got 10% on £11015sales giving  £1101.50 commission

Graphene took orders of  £25663 giving 4 grand commissions

So Graphene are sent to some sort of free fall contraption – and it’s so sweet to see Liz’s cheeks jigging in zero gravity whilst the other team languish in the Sad Café.

Jade admits she got everything wrong. In retrospect, Sarah suggests she should have gone to meet designers with Jade.

Harrison goes on about how determined and passionate he is – cos he’s toast.

Back In: Harrison says he knows nothing about ladies fashion (To Jo “I think you’ve worn more women’s dresses than I have” – erm) but Sugar points out he needed to demonstrate the ability to adapt quickly.

Jo complains “I had to take on lot of responsibility” because that’s being Project Manager, silly.

Sugar faux “worries” as to whether Sarah  has staying power, but then Jade admitted all the errors.. but Harrison did sod all so” with regret” he’s fired..

Sugar then sets Jade up to say something stupid and fires her too. Madness!

Sarah’s set back to the house like the last survivor of a massacre.

In the taxi of doom, Jade feels robbed (“ I deserved to be in the final 5”) whereas Harrison anticipates greatness (“I will become a Household Name – So Close!”).

Next the final 5 face interview!!! Bring it!

LIKING:  Elizabeth, James

Liking a little bit less: Michaela, Sarah, Joanna

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne, Sajan, Andrew, Anisa, Charles,  Bushra, Harrison, Jade