Week 9 and the remaining early morning pant wearers are summoned to one of my own stomping grounds, Borough Market, where it is now £6 to buy cheese on toast.

James points out in the car that Harrison has never been Project Manager. Yeah MAN UP Harrison. Meanwhile Sarah points out in her car that the women are wearing the trousers, literally. Cue shot of all their trousers.

Sugar sets them the task of creating branded recipe kits which will be voted on after a pitch to industry “experts” – most votes wins.

Harrison (who is asked to lead as his business plan is food based) and Jo are switched to Vitality  with Jade and Michaela as Sarah is sent to lead Graphene with Bushra, James and Liz. Sarah immediately decides on a gourmet style meal. Yeah good luck with that.

So it’s subteam time. Jo wants to do the cooking and Harrison agrees, sending her off with Michaela. However Michaela doesn’t want to work with Jo so does Jedi mind tricks on Harrison so he joins her and Jade and Jo have to work together on branding. Oh oh! Michaela suggests chicken curry. Harrison isn’t sure that sounds healthy. That’s Michaela’s point. He submits to her will again.


On Graphene Liz really wants to cook, and Sarah puts her on the cooking subteam but elects James as the subteam leader. James chooses salmon and risotto as a luxury dish and decides truffle oil should be the flavour. Liz suggesrs saffron instead. She’s right on this one but the idea of a recipe by committee suddenly looms horrifically. Ugh!

Jade manages her subteam by telling Jo no idea is too stupid (“But I’ll make sure I get the final say”). “Root flavours” suggests Jo. “Ugh no!” Jade opines. Jade brainstorms “Food fresh…food mind.. let’s have a silent minute… lateral mind …healthy mind” ; “All I can hear is you!” complains Jo. “Root flavours” Jo tries. Jade begs “Please go for things to do with your mind and natural” and when Jo protests Jade chips in with “Your PM has just said.. Can you just think?” ”Yes I’m thinking in my mind”, Jo reassures her.

Sarah suggests “Gourmet Crusaders”. Bushra tactfully points out that Crusaders sounds a little warlike. “Nah it’s cool” says Sarah. Bushra suggests putting little dots over Crusaders to soften it…Sarah suggests footprints which Bushra thinks will make it look like dogfood.  Sarah don’t care.

James and Liz work on risotto and he insists on chopping the onion and flails a bit (probably because Liz’s beady eyes are watching). I get her frustration though – he’s taking ages and she just wants to do something but he’s so resistant to her taking over. Eventually he lets her chop the celery . This makes him Liz’s bitch.

Harrison and Michaela chaotically create their healthy chicken curry (which is the best way to create curry) “Curry powder is that healthy?” asks Harrison before getting confused between tablespoons teaspoons. Thank gawd Michaela is there. This reminds me of the time I sent a dear friend a very simple chicken curry recipe and they complained it was a bit bland… because they missed the bit which said “add the curry powder”

Jade’s still chucking out potential names ““Naturo Think”, “Naturo Fuel” ..out of those which is your favourite”. Like me Jo thinks they’re both shite and Jade snaps “Then offer a solution!”. Rightly Jo points out her suggestions were cast aside for having nothing to do with the mind..and goes off for a well earned cry. And Jade utterly takes over.

Michaela recaps the recipe to Jade and Jo by babbling off multiple orders…. “’Add yoghurt to desired thickness’ but word that so it doesn’t sound stupid”. Unfortunately Harrison only sends them one photo of the food, missing the fact it’s meant to be a “step by step guide”.

The boxes arrive and wonder why it doesn’t say “chicken curry” on the box, but Jade assures her a card will be put on there. Doesn’t explain away the multiple typos though. Jade kind of blames Jo for her issues. I love Michaela “You need to put it behind you.. if it affects my future I will be fuming”.

Bushra moans about the pictures and branding and James has had enough and bitches about her to Liz who confides that Bushra “does my nut in! No wonder I am barking mad”.

So it’s pitch time and Harrison lets Michaela cook with minimum fuss. One person has to dress as a giant green peapod – and it’s Jo (“it goes with the brand” EH?).

Harrison and Michaela Craddock.cradockDM_468x452

Over on Graphene, Bushra wants to get involved in the pitch as a quirky sidekick – so she dresses as a pepperpot to James’s salt.

Harrison pitches “Naturo fuel’s Healthy Kicking Chicken Curry” first whilst Michaela cooks diligently. “I’m going to address the elephant in the room” Jo pipes up, and to the producer’s relief  it’s not about the way women of colour are marginalised on telly but the fact she is wearing a pea suit “If we had an icon it would be green and potentially a vegetable” she continues, despite the fact the curry contains no veggies other than onions.

Vitality are pulled up on having no photos to accompany the steps on their recipe card and no product name on their packaging, which Michaela explains they can fix when it goes to market.

It’s time for the experts to taste the curry and they all like it (cos it’s curry!) although the lady from the Co-op would like more veggies in it just to prove how worthy the Co-op is.

Sarah is next pitching for gourmet crusaders, but Liz essentially takes over. She’s like Dennis Waterman off Little Britain and would sing the theme tune if she could. Bushra and James keep mucking in as she loudly cooks. Bushra then attempts some ice breaking “humour”: “We would have loved to have Captain Gourmet here but unfortunately Donald trump called him over….”

Tumbleweed rightfully ensues.

I hate seeing new comedians wasting or ruining jokes and immediately want to fix it… “Captain Gourmet should have been here but he was on a boat full of posh kids passing round his crispy goujons”… “We would have loved to have Captain Gourmet here but he’s helping Operation Yewtree with enquiries”, “Donald Trump – what a cunt eh?” Nope I can’t fix it.

Liz flails on the cooking and blames the oven but interrupts Bushra who tries to fill for her and it’s just really bleugh as Liz burns the salmon due to bitching at Bushra.

Sainsbury’s bloke is concerned about the connotations of “Crusader” but Sarah insists there are “positive” connotations in “joining the crusade”. Everyone gags on Liz’s burnt fishy batons.

It’s Board Room time and Harrison is accused of being Michaela’s puppet but she has to stick her hand up his bum for him to respond.

Sugar questions the choice of curry as an healthy option, “Over 23m curries are eaten every week in the UK” argues Harrison. “And there’s 23m obese people.” Bullshits Sugar back. “Exactly!” grins Harrison. Oh he is rubbish but I’m warming to him.

Jade complains that Jo was difficult to work with” and Karren has a go at Harrison for not noticing the tension between then and keeping them apart (“I thought you would just both try to succed. Doh!. Again he is refreshingly dim when it comes to female dispute and the pair of them could eat him for brekky.

Sarah gets stick for including Crusader in her brand name. Batman has a rethink.

Bushra claims the World Food idea was all hers, until Karren points out it was Sarah and James’s idea too.

Graphene’s pitch is dismissed as “cringy” and Harrison wibbles about “engaging” clients. Sugar is unamused.

Liz states she was asked to talk and cook (actually I think she volunteered both) whereas Harrison didn’t make Michaela present whilst cooking as “it wouldn’t have been fair” (bless him)..

So it’s down to the all important votes. Vitality got 12 whereas Graphene of the shit pitch got 10. Which makes you think they were equally rubbish.

Appropriately for a bunch of clowns Vitality are sent to a Circus restaurant.

In Café Sad,  Bushra’s blaming Liz for everything and Liz is sick of Bushra. “Perhaps the friction between you was felt by the audience” Sarah points out. Bushra decides she’s going to tell Lord Sugar Liz is “nuts”. Lovely ladies.

Back in and Sugar states Liz is uncontrollable. Bushra tries to pile on, but Karren points out she did the “Trump jokes”. The fact Karren found it a recognisable “joke” makes me despair. “I took a risk” Bushra claims. Not that much eh love?

Sarah picks Liz and Bushra (much to the latter’s chagrin) to come back. James gets told to man up (“sunshine”) by Sugar as he leaves. (“Er yeah ok”). Fuck him James, if being a man means having a face like a sad bollock it’s not worth it.

Back in and it all gets a bit bitchy with Bushra clinging desperately to her opportunity. Sugar describes Liz as being “impossible to control.. like a giant hogweed” but Liz prefers to call herself a “sunflower”. (Since when was being easily  controlled a good leadership quality?) and guarantees to make Sugar a million quid. Despite his protests this clearly work as Bushra is fired. Liz promises to not let Sugar down again (whoops – promises!) starts gushing and is rightly told to shut up and go back to the house.

In the Taxi of Despair Bushra claims “Sarah threw me under the bus but I was one of her biggest threats” Muawahahahahah

Sarah and Liz return and James is impressed by Liz “Fair play –  you’ve been in the bottom more than anyone and survived”.  Liz reckons she has her fighty mojo back.

Next time the teams run a fashion show on a catwalk. Some day this show is going to end.



LIKING:  James (think he will win), Sarah, Harrison



BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne, Sajan, Andrew, Anisa, Charles,  Bushra