Week 8 and the candidates are surprised by a beardy if not so jolly man. He informs them a quarter of Brit households have a dog and they have to tap into the market. They have to run a doggy daycare centre and offer mobile dog services to punters on the street. Most profit wins.

Anisa says she’d be happy to lead Vitality (Andrew, Michaela Jade, Charles). Charles puts himself forward yet again as he has had dogs. We all know how it goes by now. But what’s this? They all choose CHARLES because they think Anisa is more shit. Anisa looks duly devastated. She puts herself forward as subteam leader and looks hopeful. Charles chooses Andrew. “But I’ve never had a dog” Andrew argues, but he’s picked anyway. “Maybe I don’t make a convincing argument” Anisa wails to camera. You said it.

Over on Graphene (Liz, Jo, James, Harrison, Bushra) James puts himself forward for the second week running and nobody argues. James takes Harrison and Bushra on his roving sales team. Liz gets to lead the daycare centre and has to take Jo. We all anticipate many argues. Poor Jo is not a dog lover (“I actually do like them just not big scary ones”. Liz “The biggest dogs are often the most timid and the little ones the most feisty”. “Bit like me” Jo suggests). So at The Doggy Spa Liz is full of the dog lurve, chatting to them like they’re her little fuzzy buddies. To a dog undergoing a “blueberry facial” she bants “You alright mate?” The dogs blueberried little face says “SAVE ME NOW!”

Jo doesn’t help the pitch by constantly telling Tom the Dog Spa owner that she’s never owned a dog and has no idea about them. It’s like they’re a different species.

Vitality come along and Michaela’s on a charm offensive (“It’s super lush here… I’ll see you tomorrow Tom”.

Next stop for Graphene is a place offering dog agility classes and doggy dancing. Liz asks all the prices and numbers. Jo looks worried.

Vitality roll up and again Michaela’s making friends “I’ve got four dogs that would have a field day here”.

Both teams choose the Spa, but the Spa can choose only one so Tom plumps for Vitality, adding “I didn’t feel Jo was a dog lover”. “I’m really sorry that you felt like that retorts Jo”. She just can’t help herself.

Given the good news, Jade suggests Tom really fancies you Michaela. “I have had a lot of botox” sighs our Northern force of nature. They price up the spa treatments and Charle’s gets his angels to do all the graft for him (“I know you’re excellent at phone sales so I’d like you to start please Michaela”). In the corner Karren raises her eyebrows.

Anisa suggests Dirty Dogs for the roving team name. “Isn’t that a bit offensive” buzzkills Sarah. Everything Anisa suggests(charging more for labour and at commercial properties) is shot down. Poor Anisa.

So the subteams off to Posho Hall run by a woman who is evidently on the make and wants minions to clean the dog poop from apparent hoards of the fuckers running wild about her manor as there’s a wedding on there tomorrow. So they literally have to pitch to clean up shit. I love it.

It’s going OK for Vitality until Andrew spots a dog actually pooping (yes that’s where it comes from) and swears (it gets bleeped but my money’s on fuck)– getting the evil eye off Sarah. He then offers the client a full on de-pooping for £120. Sarah reckons they could have asked for £200. “I can’t stand the smell of shit” Andrew mutters on the way back to the car.

Graphene’s subteams talk names. I like Harrison’s “Doggy Do Gooders” but James plumps for “Pooper Scooper Friends”. They offer some weird “odour control” product, but awkward woman at Hall Posh is not impressed. James quotes £200 for 2 hrs and she’s all “what if the job’s not done?” James offers a partial refund and she’s insistent she wants the job. I’m quite pleased that Andrew swore in her presence now.

Liz decides to offer all the doggy agility/dance sessions for £25 as it’s easier. She calls James and says they were a close second on the Spa. Bushra’s straight in there “Close second isn’t good enough! You have to be first”. “I’m trying to be positive not negative” Liz sighs and gives James the £25 price tag. “Why does Bushra have to stick the knife in” she asks Jo, who I suspect is relieved that Liz didn’t let on Tom’s reason for not offering the Spa. “I hope she doesn’t have any close seconds someone else will point out” Jo broods. It’s quite sweet – I think these two are forming an unlikely double act after weeks of aggro. They go to train in doggy dancing instruction and Liz is right into it whereas Jo has no idea what to do when a cute spaniel gets stuck between her legs. Make of that sentence what you will.

James doesn’t get the Posh Hall jobby job as the awkward woman felt he “overpromised” therefore Andrew’s subteam get booked and they’re all like Woooooh we’re going to clean shit up!!!

Next stop is a photoshoot for Wild at Heart canine welfare charity who want to flog sweatshirts. Anisa says she’s done fashion shoots. Andrew suggests he is good with dogs (the lies!). Sarah suggests a price of £475. Charity woman tries not to slap her and suggests that’s too high. Next offer is £225. Then Andrew goes up to £250. At this point the charity woman is laughing at them.

Graphene’s turn and Harrison endears himself to me by making pals with a very cute rottweiler. Bushra says “I haven’t done any photography myself but I am pretty good with the eye” (What?). She suggests £250. When Charity woman protests she drops the price. By £100. Madness.  She ends up plumping for them because of their way with dogs. Yeah.

Charles rings his subteam and asks for support with making calls for bookings (which James has been doing for his subteam – it’s not unreasonable). Andrew basically tells him to do one as they’re flyering for their own services.  At the training session Jade cleans a doggy. “I’ve just done his bottom” she exclaims. “You’re not having a slice of my pizza later” Michaela informs her. They are making a good double act too.

James decides to up Liz’s pooch-robics price to £45 cos it’s all about the money. He doesn’t share this with Liz.

Vitality nearly come to twaticuffs as Charles pulls up Andrew for not calling for leads and Andrew won’t back down cos he’s a bit of a gobshite. Michaela breaks it up “This conversation is ridiculous” and despite finding her terrifying I’m warming to her. First thing next day she’s the one grafting, finding leads including for a Jug a Poo called Moo. I get that Poo is Poodle, but has someone really bred one with a Juggernaut?

Both teams pick up doggy products to upsell including “Pawsecco”. I love animals but this is mental surely?

Liz gets into full on Barbara Woodhouse testing the agility course and rearranging it all despite it having been declared ok the previous evening and then running around the course. “She’s a force of nature” grumps Claude. I think he wants her.

Poor Vitality are stood up by their first client and sadly tear off their sexy pvc pinnies.

At Posh Hall, the woman in charge really starts taking the piss and demands Vitality subteam also pick up bird shit. Sarah agrees to this. Cue Anisa flailing about looking for poos (“Why did we commit to duck poo?” Andrew “We said big ones” Anisa “they’re ALL BIG!!!!”). The awkward woman inspects their work and finds a recently laid browny green bird “egg” so as “you did agree to pick up bird poo” only pays them £135. I never want to go to Posh Hall.

Charles is quite happy to let his angels Jade and Michaela do all the actual work at the Dog Spa (“As they have naturally longer hair they’re used to combing hair”).

How Charles saw himself during this task:

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Graphene take the charity photos sending dogs running everywhere and fighting. It would be great if they got some pictures of the sweatshirts the models are wearing which the Charity want to advertise. But they fail and have to accept only £125 for all their photos.

It all kicks off after doggy dancing as a woman tells Liz she paid £45 and someone else there told her they only paid £25. Liz gives her a refund, and agrees with Jo to tell other people waiting that the charge is only £25 which means refunding 6 people who paid more. I love the ethics despite how some businesses might view it. It also means that customers are suddenly more likely to buy loads of the extra pooch products because they don’t think they’re being diddled by shysters.

Charles mucks in on the poo scooping business (“COME TO ME TURDS”, Michaela “I feel like a ghost buster – we should have been called poo busters!”) until 9pm then Charles declares “The high fives are out – lets get some pawsecco!”

So it’s Boardroom Time. Charles is asked why he didn’t let poor Anisa lead the subteam and he tactfully states he thinks she struggles to handle pressure. Anisa doesn’t help herself by complaining about all the “geese poo” they had to clean up.

I’m relieved Sugar doesn’t diss Liz for refunding the customers who overpaid – suggesting that the increased upsales was because customers probably trusted Liz and Jo.

Also it was refreshing that Liz didn’t dob in Jo for being the reason they didn’t get the Spa as she was so rubbish about dogs – although they probably would have failed at the Spa (Only 2 of them – one not a dog lover) so in effect Jo saved this task for them with her dog dithering.

Anyhow it’s money time:

Vitality: Spa sales – £325 – Mobile team £375 – Other sales £114.75 Total 814.75

Graphene – Training Sales £435 – Mobile team £435 – Other sales  £407.92 – Total £1277.92

Convincing trashing there thanks to Liz and Jo’s subteam. So Graphene get sent for a facial (hur hur) where Jo gets something rolled on her face which she thinks is “absolutely incredible” (her words).

In Sad Café  everyone’s blaming Andrew or Anisa. Charles confesses he doesn’t actually have a dog (you ruddy liar!).

 

Back in and Sugar is unimpressed by Anisa (“I just think I’m underestimated”) and sweary Andrew (“You’re 26 but you’re immature”).

Charles brings back Andrew and Anisa (“I did deliver the job!”) and sorry but I already know all three are going.

Andrew explains that he swore because he comes from bars and shops. “Can’t you adapt?” bitches Karren “I have” he insists. “Not very well”.

Anisa’s CV actually says “the most important thing in business is to have fun”. “I also care about pricing strategy” she insists. Andrew says “You said it dead timid and shy”. He has a point. It’s a horrible point but people only listen to load twats.

Charles teams up on Anisa “You’re just FLAP FLAP FLAP”. *Flap mime. Charles remix*

Anyhow Sugar fires Andrew first saying he’s there five years too early (he’s 26 ffs!). Swiftly followed by Anisa and finally, just as he thought he got away with it, Charles goes too.  There’s not even time for the taxi of doom.

NOBODY GOES BACK TO THE HOUSE

Michaela gets a spooky phone call telling them this. Sarah looks on the bright side “There’s three extra servings of dinner tonight” (Actually two if you think about it).

Next week they sell food recipe boxes. I would be brilliant at this (honest). So I can’t wait to see it utterly fucked up.

WOMAN ON THE WILD SIDE: Elizabeth

LIKING:  James, Sarah, Harrison

WARMING TO DESPITE PREVIOUS BEHAVIOUR: Michaela, Joanna

I Do NOT LIKE: Jade, Bushra

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne, Sajan, Andrew, Anisa, Charles

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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