Week 6 sees our besuited shower of sharp suited shit sent to run tours of Bruges for Brits off a cruise ship. The ones who make most money after selling tours and souvenirs then doling out refunds to angry mobs of passengers win.

There’s jiggery pokery as Harrison is moved to Graphene which now comprises James, Bushra, Sajan, Sarah, Joanna and Liz who takes control and becomes increasingly unhinged with power bless her. She decides on a modern themed tour with Harrison suggesting a trip to a chocolate shop and James going left field by suggesting a segway tour. The team splits to sell the tours and decide somehow to have no communication with each other whatsoever, so whilst James is flogging a segway extravaganza, Liz is plotting a military style itinery. They do some research beforehand and manage to arrange to get commission from chocolate sales.


Charles offers to lead Vitality but everyone says no, because he is Charles. Therefore Sarah Jayne leads him, Anisa, Jade, Andrew and Michaela. They plump for the meh theme of “history” and Anisa is asked to lead the tour, but she doesn’t do “factual history” (only the made up stuff presumably) so Charles is asked to help her – with no actual guidance whatsoever. Andrew duly heads off to sell tickets, throwing in the extra element of a visit to a beer place where he promises to “see them well” which attracts punters under the illusion he is going to lay on coke and ladyboy hookers.

Karren follows Vitality around snipping at them whenever they falter, which is often. Anisa pretty much dries up on facts about nunneries and Charles gets everyone lost trying to find the way . “We’ve been walking about 3 days now mate” moans Andrew “I’ve got déjà vu”. “I did that on purpose trying to find the front entrance. I wasn’t lost I just couldn’t find the entry I was looking for” (ooer) Charles retorts as a few of the tourists collapse along the way.

Liz is in fine fettle barking orders at her segway death marchers in order to shift them from venue to venue.  Harrison regales the punters with facts in the main square “The mix of new and old buildings is literally ingenious.. if you look around you can see people everywhere literally”. Everyone, including Harrison, looks suitably baffled.

The cuddly chocolate man gives everyone an interesting talk but before they can get settled Liz grabs Sajan (“I need to talk to you – you have got to have them out of the door by quarter past” before swanning back in “We have some chocolate for you guys to purchase would you like to have a look?  QUICK MARCH schweinhunds! Schnell! Schnell!”). Claude points out that she’s missing out on profit by rushing everybody around. I love her charging about on her Segway – her arm raised yelling “QUICK! QUICK” – she’s like Boadicea. Claude is sad though that the tour was sold as Segway magic and they only get about 10 minutes worth of looking like tits on wheels. They all get back to the boat on time though.

Jo and Sarah haggle for pretty souvenir bags to sell back on ship. Sarah Jayne says sod that and shoves a load of cheapo keyrings into a placcie bag. Classy beeyatch!.

Andrew leads the beer tasting and gets steadily squiffy (“Tha is reaaallly nice!”). The tourists however are not being as well seen to as they expect as functioning alcoholics and do not look happy.

So 90 minutes before the ship sails Andrew’s leading the punters to a horse and cart trip with Anisa floundering away with crap factoids. Everyone looks miserable and Karren continues to bitch. They have to turn back as the trip which was only meant to be 10 minutes lasts 30minutes and the punters have the extra frisson of Charles panicking about missing the boat. Back at the square even Andrew whose been trying to lad it up looks sheepish “That’s the tour finished so er yeahhh”.

On the boat the keyrings and bags both seem to be shifting. Liz does a weird motivational touchy thing (“Everyone turn to the right and pat the person in front of you”).


Boardroom time and Karren’s on Andrew’s case for being laddish. Harrison gets kudos for choosing chocolate and doesn’t quite know how to take it and Sugar accuses Liz of being like a North Korean dictator (“What do you sell at your florists – wreaths” “Er yes”).

Anyhow Graphene spent £180.54 and sold £1139.60, but after £156 made a profit of £803.06

Vitality spent £167.64,  sold £993 and had to refund over £165 for being boring so only took £665 profit.

Liz wins and thanks everybody and nearly crushes Sajan with a hug outside. They all get sent off to sit on punts in some rhyming slang joke treat. I love how Liz and Sajan get on – she starts waffling next to him in the punt about the secret of good management. “What do you know about management” he retorts “you manage flowers!”. Harrison is again aghast at things in the world “That is actually unreal” he gasps. No mate it’s Kings College.

In the Sad Café Sarah Jane is saying everyone did a “good job”. Andrew fumes and blames Charles. Back in the boardroom and Andrew is accused of over offering booze. Erm isn’t that called selling? And aren’t all tours a sad shadow of what is promised?


Anisa says she felt set up to fail for not knowing facts. Oh dear. Andrew is accused of too much bants (“it’s  not a holiday camp”) and Sugar claims the other team won for taking a risk on souvenirs (which if it didn’t work would have cost them dear… so confusing!).

Sarah Jayne brings back Andrew and Charles – and Anisa gets away with being a bit shit at things.

Karren moans that Andrew was acting like a Uni student as though that is a terrible thing, but Claude points out he was top seller.

Sugar does that fake firing schnozzle (“Charles there’s no way on this earth you will ever be my business partner so on that basis I’m boxed into corner …your cv talks about what a great business man you are.. I  aint seen any of that so..”) before predictably firing Sarah Jayne. In the Taxi of Doom Sarah Jayne blames Charles for “being in charge of logistics” and I start singing “Charles in Charge of our logistics” because I am old).


Andrew and Charles have their cards marked though.

Back at the house James is being reasonable (“Charles has not done anything wrong”) but Michaela is not so sure. Because Charles is Charles. I’m almost warming to the little sod.

Next week involves advertising and cars. And car crashes. Hurrah!


LIKING:  James (will probably win), Sajan, Sarah


WARMING TO: Harrison


NOT KEEN ON: Jade, Michaela, Joanna, Bushra

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross, Sarah Jayne