Week 5 and the teams are summoned to Lord Sugar’s old primary school in East Lahndan. All the girls think everything will be less arguey without Siobhan and promptly have a proper big argue.

Lord Sugar announces that he turned 70 this year and therefore demands gifts of nine items marking the millstones er milestones of his career. The team that get the most and  spend the least win. Any items not bought incur a fine based on their value.

James joins Graphene and Jo has to manage them.

Sajan puts himself forward as a Lahndaner to lead Vitality. Charles also throws his hat into the ring as he has “negotiating skills” and everyone rolls their eyes. Michaela backs Sajan as he is “dead good”. Everyone agrees as he is not Charles.

Jo flails in her first meeting. Bushra sub team leader as she is from Lahndan. Jo thinks both Elizabeth and Jade like to undermine and the sound of their own voices. They all waste hours and achieve sod all whilst Jo desperately makes herself heard without actually saying anything.

The items include a retro car aerial, monogrammed hanky, material fit for a Lord’s robe. That’ll be stain resistant Scarlet Doe skin then, 100 bricks (yes Bricks), Roggelach, Amstrad computer (Charles: “It is not a current model” hahah”), items from 1947 and a birthday cake for Lord Sugar.

Sajan prioritises a route and sends the teams to the outskirts of the city where things are cheaper. Ross wants to group by themes but Sajan overrules him. They end up predictably flailing and Ross stops them all by a Turkish (Mazar) Supermarket, having figured out that Roggelach (which nobody can pronounce) is a Jewish food, to ask if they do any Jewish food. Erm no. Claude has his Jewdar on and says Charles should have known.

Jo doesn’t have her Jewdar on (“Is Lord Sugar even Jewish?” Everyone else:”Er yeah”).

James starts a special relationship with the Jewish baker they haggle by a microbe  down on Roggelach and birthday cake and asks the Jewish man “You don’t happen to have a Tottenham Hotspur scarf around do you?” “I’m a Tottenham man” confirms his new mate. Jo bitches at James afterwards in the car “One person needs to own the sale”.

Liz argues hanky monogramming bloke down from £30 to an embarrassing £14.50 after what feels like 5 years of my life. She then annoys subteam leader Bushra by suggesting their proposed route round London is too tortuous” I can come up with constructive ideas rather than being detrimental” snaps Bushra. Our Liz points out that the poor driver has simply been going round the same roundabout for hours and needs direction. Bushra gets testy. Oh Liz the knives are out for you.

Harrison goes all Indiana Jones learning that  THE ONLY AMSTRAD IN THE WORLD is in some woman’s living room in Finsbury Park, 30-40 minutes away from their current location next to a FUCKING BRICK MERCHANT THEY HAVE ARRANGED TO BUY BRICKS FROM. The woman informs Harrison that another buyer (guess who) has reserved the Amstrad, Andrew chips in (“I don’t recall there being many in circulation” and they’re off to Finsbury Park (Sarah points out there are other items to buy but nobody listens because she is a woman).

Harrison never gets beaten – not even to the last acorn!maxresdefault

It’s like Dave Allen’s coffin to the church race but much less exciting as the other team also head to Finsbury Park. I do enjoy Anisa’s one contribution to the show about going there and coming back the same way (“It’s what I’m thinking – in my head”).

Sadly they don’t get there at the same time and fight as Jo arrives first and argues the cheeky woman (who keeps using her “other buyer” as business ballast) from £120 to £88. James even asks is she has a Spurs scarf. Nope but she has an old Liverpool scarf. I bet they get fined as the Amstrad is stolen. (Note I am a Scouser).

Silly Harrison waits until he’s minutes away to call and discover his precious Amstrad is gone. He calls Sajan who agrees foolishly to take on sourcing the fossil computer himself in exchange for Harrison’s subteam getting the Spurs scarf. Madness! He ends up calling some Amstrad hobbyist who’s just getting his tea on and forcing him to trek to Canary Wharf – 45 minutes with only an hour and a half to go. It’s down to the wire.

Michaela haggles down on hankies but they are not monogrammed. ROSS DOES HIS BIT OF STRATEGY (“Are we making a mistake not getting the embroidery done with the purchase”. Michaela tells him to do one. ROSS GIVES UP ON STRATEGY. Michaela goes on to get a free sample of scarlet doe skin and something free from a junk shop lady who is just happy to be on telly so she’s brilliant at scrounging.

Bushra’s still got the arse on with Liz who has “a bit of experience with builders merchants” (we bet you do!). Bushra still insists on doing the deal and Liz cringes until she can take no more and starts talking builder (“You got a skip?”).  Bushra has a snidy whinge to camera as Liz and Jade help load the bricks into the car “She is an unprofessional cartoon character”.

Sarah finds the construction site is shut, but thinks quick and spots some builders who happily patronise her and waste time for Harrison’s subteam in some strange stereotypical triple bluff.

Sajan gets squeaky bum and has to abort his Canary wharf Amstrad deal with a now pissed off hungry geek to get back to the House of Lords by 7pm

James goes to his new JBF’s house (Jewish best friend – everybody needs one) and then gets fleeced for a Spurs scarf, after being offered one for £500 and attempting to get the £50 one reduced (“If you’re gonna haggle on 2quid I’m not gonna sell!” – I love this guy!). Graphene end up paying £30.

Everyone freaks out getting back. Graphene pick up Doeskin for a fiver. Andrew considers paying a spurs fan on the street for their scarf (“let’s face they’re not gonna win the league”).

Sajan’s subteam makes it back in time and is soon joined by his teammates – all relatively empty handed.

The other team moan about traffic. Poor Bushra’s stuck there at 7.45pm waiting for Jo’s subteam to turn up.

So it’s Boardroom Time.

Sugar does some weird Jew diss on poor Charles about letting his subteam go to the Turkish shop (“”Did you think scarlet doeskin was something you cut off your willy?”

Everyone likes Sajan. All the women on Graphene whinge about each other.

It’s all in the numbers

Vitality spent £82.50

Graphene spent £209.70 and got all the items but were fined £100 for being late

However Vitality failed to get three items valued at £347.53 – so their spend was £433.03 so they lost. HAHAHAH!

Karren emotion shames Jo for crying (“What’s wrong Jo? Tears of joy?”) like the utter pretend feminist she is. Graphene get to go to a 40s themed thing. Vitality do also as they end up in the Bridge Café.

Everyone thinks Harrison’s mission impossible was the problem (Harrison: “What can you do?”) and Andrew argues the “strategy was appalling”. At least Vitality HAD a strategy.

Back in and Harrison excuses himself by saying “London’s pretty big”. Ross claims he didn’t get an opportunity to contribute strategy. And Sajan cannily brings them both back in.

Karren thinks Ross is “more academic than a doer”. This is an insult. She likes Harrison for “working hard”. This is all how Brexit happened.

Back in and Harrison boldly argues his case as a loyal footsoldier like Bigwig out of Watership Down. Ross however self implodes as it transpires his CV says “I’m usually the smartest person in every room” and he backs this up by saying he’s an official genius. Bye Ross. Prat.

They all argue on and I can’t be bothered to listen cos Ross is clearly gone here. And yes Sugar ends up breaking up his tedious magic robot pointing to conclude that ”Ross you are a very articulate fellow but you’re fired”. SURPRISE SUR FUCKING PRISE!

Next week.  A tour of Bruges. A fairytale fucking city. Watch out for swans.

LOVING: Elizabeth

LIKING:  James (think he could win this), Sajan, Sarah



NOT KEEN ON: Jade, Michaela, Joanna, Bushra

TOSSERS: Harrison, Sarah Jayne

BYE BYE: Danny, Jeff, Elliot, Siobhan, Ross