It’s Week 6 and the Twat Phone demands the candidates convene in Balham in Hi Viz jackets and steel toe capped boots which they have all miraculously packed for the occasion.

Brett’s well excited “It’s either making something or constructioning” and David points out that “Elle is in construction and hasn’t won a task yet.”. Mergim’s high on his faint praise from last week and wants to be PM, but Joseph isn’t convinced.

4 white vans await the candidates but rather than a kicking from disenfranchised Sun readers, they are given vans full of tools to run a handyman (SEXIST KLAXON!) business for two days – and the most profit wins. Elle’s put in charge of Versatile (Mergim, Joseph, Richard, April, Charleine, David) and Brett leads Connexus (Vana, Scott, Gary, Selina, Sam). On hand to follow their antics are Bulldog Claude and Karren Brady, keen to nick any tax credits they might earn.

Elle’s quite confident she can do anything, but (apparently) wisely asks her team what they are capable of. David admits he can “just about put together a flatpack” (I think he means flapjack) and Mergim proudly states he’s never held a screwdriver in his life but boy is he keen. He shares that he used to make a “fortune” (£20 a day) windowcleaning and he is dying to “take up the sponge” again. Plus Mergim shares the tearjerking tale of coming to the UK as a refugee with his family on the back of a lorry from Albania. Unfortunately Elle spends so much time consulting with her team that she misses the deadline for producing flyers (“OK my fault, sorry guys!”). Big D’oh! April whinges about it being a huge setback, but Mergim, bless him, decides the only other option is to handwrite flyers, but April gives him an “I just saw a poo” look and suggests that customers will see this as unprofessional. “But it’s the only way we can do it” Mergim points out, quite rightly.

Brett’s talks a load of bollocks about always going with customer satisfaction and Connexus get their flyers out on time, before going on to a pre-set lead at an East End Theatre, where Brett goes a bit Harry Enfield Four by two by builders , whilst poor fragile poet Sam attempts to keep up and fails slightly in front of the unconvinced theatric client. Brett stresses his “years of expertise.. I’m like an expert within my field” before knocking Sam’s estimate of £777 up to £887, whilst the potential client swoons erm theatrically..

Versatile head to a Sarf London footy club where David (“I’ve worked at grounds like this”) gets to run the pitch and attempts to prove his inner blokiness by asking the Footy Ground chap “How did you get on this season?” and disproves his inner blokiness by commiserating sadly when the Footy guy says the team finished forth. David quotes £500 and Footy bloke drily agrees to get back to him.

Connexus arrive at the footy club next and Brett gets all blokey measuring up, and between himself, Sam and Selina (who Brett can’t hear because she is a woman) they work out a proper costing that sounds like a GCSE maths question (3 people for 5-6 hours at 20 quid per hour per person). Somehow they come out with the figure of £480.70 after all this malarkey. Selina’s pissed off )”That was a great conversation”, and the cheeky footy ground guy still just promises to get back to them.

Mergim is loving the window cleaning jobs he got with the makeshift flyers that April sneers at. April decides that “personal diy” would be more profitable, so at their next job, she offers a shop lady £10 per hour to fix shelves. Unfortunately that works out to £3.33 per person and well below the legal minimum wage. So the shop lady snaps it up and April is possibly facing a plum job in Conservative central office. Fortunately April’s drastic underestimate proves appropriate as Mergim’s shit DIY skills become more apparent. (April “What are you doing?, Mergim:”Screwing a nail., April: “I don’t think you screw a nail”. So despite the cheap price, they only end up getting paid for cleaning the windows and run away before the windows start falling out.

On the other subteam, Joseph is most unimpressed (“Putting up a shelf is one of the most basic DIY jobs there is “, other than wanking I reckon).

Connexus’s sub-team of Scott, Gary (who spends the episode looking insanely bored) and Vana drives around Dulwich distributing flyers with Vana deciding she needs to do some market research instead of getting jobs and making a profit, because Vana is insane.

Versatile head to the theatre and Joseph essentially goes into trade mode (he has plumber skills) and takes over (“We need screws, hack saws…””). His decisiveness seems to finally screw over Elle’s confidence and she lets him take over, even with the costings. Having worked it all out Joseph offers a quote of £560 and the naughty theatre man moans that this is “considerably high” (despite it being nearly £200 lower than the other team’s quote.) but agrees to get back to them.

Connexus’s subteam check out a garden that looks almost Buddhist in comparison to mine, but the fussy woman wants a new retaining wall. Scott goes into his trademark bullshit mode (“I can build you the hanging gardens of Babylon and a peace pagoda! I can imagine it looking amazing!”) and despite Vana’s concerns he insists “It can be done”).

Anyhow at 6pm Connexus get the footy club deal, whereas Versatile get a call from the theatre asking for a mahoosive price drop. Elle goes a bit more rubbish (“I have no experience in negotiation”) and Richard takes over, but is beaten down from £525 to £375 (“If your hand was here I’d shake it”) by the canny representative of the arts. Joseph’s already calculated how much money per hour that represents and insists “It has to be precision, no toilet breaks. Solid yeah!” I start falling for Joseph a little bit at this point.

Anyhow next morning Elle attempts to check how her subteam are going to operate. Mergim’s confident “I’m not gonna let a screwdriver defeat me mate,you must be mad!”, but April’s pulling pained hacky faces.

Brett gets his team to work on the footy stands (Sam: “This is so gross! Oh bloody hell there’s so much crap”) and, priding himself on “quality”, insists that Selina chisel all the chewing gum off the stands, despite this not being part of the requested work (Brett: “You’ve got a fully sharp chisel, get your back into it!”). Sam gets to do the power-washing and despite his wordsmith ways it clearly (like anybody of any gender handed a power tool) makes him feel LIKE A MAN! GRRRR!

Elle basically hands over her PM hat to Joseph at the theatre and he doesn’t just take control, he brilliant manages everyone including his erm manager (“Richard you’re going to have to help her”), whilst doing all the practical stuff with a “piece of piss” practical person’s glint in his eye. “What else can I do in the meantime?” Elle asks him, and you know she’s doomed. Joseph, I must admit is amazing, and even if he gets fired in future shows he can use this episode as an advertisement for his plumbing business. He susses out that David has been cutting pipes to the wrong measurements (“Sorry Joseph, I thought I got it right”)

The subteam aren’t faring as well, but bless Mergim, he’s eager (“I might not be able to use a screwdriver but I can definitely sand!”). He still manages to screw up a clients windows and she takes £30 off the price. April gets a dig in (“As usual Mergim does what he does best and costs us money”) which is rich from less than half minimum wage woman.

Back at Scott’s Garden of Delights, Vana manages expectations (“We probably couldn’t do all the promised work in one day.. I know I am the bad cop, but what are your priorities”) and she somehow manages to renegotiate from Scott’s offer of building the hanging gardens of Balham to just tidying up a bit for a tiny discount, and the Garden Woman is hugely sated. Even bulldog Claude is impressed. They manage to get another job although Vana struggles with the weeds (“Too much weed!”) and Scott needs a hand with the bush (“Too much bush!”).

Brett’s still at the footy ground and realises he can’t paint the stairs as they’re wet, but whilst Selina’s keen on just doing the job and fucking the standards, he “would rather be up front and honest with the client “. It transpires that the Footy Ground bloke didn’t even expect Selina to be chiseling gum and he offers them £420 for their hard work, which Selina manages to argue up to £440 (bargain!). Brett still thinks he’s “shown leadership and a high standard of work” and insists he “would quite happily” put his “head on the block”

Theatre job completed, Elle’s clueless as to what to do not and Joseph has to urge her to “make a decision “. Do you want to regroup with subteam to see if they need help?” he suggests. As it turns out they do and eventually Elle decides “we need to help them out”. Joseph arrives at the latest job (where April agreed to clean and repaint some massive windows) and figures out that the subteam had seriously underestimated the task (Joseph, looking perturbed “WHO SPOKE TO THE LADY??!” ) and somehow he manages to organise the rest of the team to help out, although it still all looks a bit messy.

Anyhow, back in the Boardroom and Sugar explains that this task came about because he wouldn’t ask anyone to do something he can’t do. Apart from sell shit email phones.

Elle bigs up how exceptional Joseph was, and Sugar ultimately tells Joe he’s safe. Only Charleine has anything positive to say about Elle as PM (“She kept the enthusiasm going”).

Mergim has to answer for his DIY woes and even blames a woman’s wall for his shit job.

Anyhow, here’s the scores:-

Versatile took £652 but spent £121.99 so made a profit of £530.01

Connexus took £ 170 but spend £119.92 so made a profit of £1050.08

So Brett’s slightly more realistic (and intransigent) pricing won him the task and his team get to travel to a Spa to watch him getting beaten with a bush.

There’s not even a sojourn to Sad Café and Elle seems to be ready to go (“I just ballsed it up”).

In the boardroom Sugar asks what Elle actually does, and it transpires that she is mainly office based, but gets to put a hardhat on and get patronised on site once a month. Sugar rips her apart for letting Joseph organise all the practical shit, and she massively cops out (“With all due respect, that’s a foreman’s duties”). Karen points out that Elle was equally poo at strategy and failed to get her flyers out and Elle practically falls on her sword (“I don’t stand here proud”) and is promptly fired, before even getting the opportunity to bring in fellow candidates. Bless her she even says he made the right decision in the taxi of Grrrrr!

“It don’t end here “ Sugar warns, whilst asking Mergim as “sub team leader” to decide which two remaining candidates to bring back to the final Board Room. Bless Mergim he actually asks Joseph who did what in the other half of the team, and Joseph can’t forgive David for fucking up his pipe lengths (missus) whereas he’s warmed to Richard for being less of an ignorant twot and working hard.

Mergim unsurprisingly brings in April and David ( Karren argues that David has no DIY skills, which makes “The Apprentice” sound more realistic, I guess).

Back in the boardroom again Mergim plays the (poignant and laudable) refugee card, but Sugar still fires him with “sincere regret” and promises to stay in touch. Bless him, he’s determined to crack on with his dream in the Taxi of Regrets, and he agrees that he has a lot to learn.

Just as April’s starting to look smug, having dismissed Mergim’s home-made flyers (which Sugar agrees was the only option the team had), she’s fired too for having done sod all since Week 1. In her taxi moment she proves she hasn’t learned anything (“I didn’t deserve to go”).

David does a little accident in his pants as Sugar reads his CV (“I am a diamond, a rare piece”) and David tries to justify it (“I believe I shine”). “I didn’t see any shining”, Karren retorts, and he’s sent back to the house smelling of fear and wee.

Next week the candidates have to open discount stores in Manchester and presumably everyone fails by charging London discount prices whilst Sam accidentally joins The Fall.

Liking:

Sam
David
Joseph

Warming to

(Bullshit) Scott

Not convinced by

Gary

Irritated By

Richard

Disliking

Brett
Charleine
Vana
Selina

Bye Bye:

Dan, Aisha, Jenny, Ruth, Natalie, Elle, Mergim, April

My Tips for the Final

Joseph, Charleine,  Scott

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