Week 3, and the boys answer the bright red twat phone, to be summoned to assemble in the wartime tunnels beneath Dover Castle. Elle’s not sure where Dover is (“maybe we’re going to Ireland”), whereas all the boys engage in a willy waving competition against the still impossibly smug Richard.

Anyhow Lord Sugar can’t be arsed turning up to Kent as he’s too busy throwing darts at a poster of Piers Morgan or something, so a video of him sets the candidates (still Connexus girls versus Versatile boys) the mission of negotiating and buying the following items at the best prices, with the twist being that half of them will be in Calais (and are urged pointedly not to miss the last ferry back) whilst the rest stay on the Kent coast:

10kg Mussels

100 Snails

3 metres of Leaving Lace (?)

A Luis Phillipe Mirror

7 crystal champagne flutes

A dinghy

A 4kg galvanised anchor

Some whole milk Maroilles cheese

A load of shit (OK 30 kilos of manure)

Any missed items incur a penalty of 50 quid plus the average retail price fine for that item.

Vana puts herself forward to lead Connexus as she speaks French. Elle also wants to be PM as she works in construction, so has to “make sure people are where they need to be” (eh?), but everybody votes for Vana, who tosses Elle the bone of being the Kent subteam leader. Vana immediately decides on the items she wants to buy in France (“I don’t plan on swapping”) and puts everybody noses out of joint. Vana gives a disconcertingly over-controlling pep talk “I need you to respect each other… the female team can’t get catty” – cue catty eye rolling all round.

Joseph takes charge of the boys, with Richard unhelpfully chipping in, now he’s won a task (Joseph: “We want to establish the top sellers” Richard “It’s negotiation” Joseph “Well er sellings like negotiation but flipped around”). “We need to find who speaks French” Richard insists. “Yeah I had that written down” Joseph retorts.

Sam is the boys French speaker and heads to Calais with Richard and Joseph, where he (cutely) struggles in a phone call about the mirror (“C’est erm Louis Phillipe… ok c’est bon”) and drags them off to a shop where a smilie but confused French lady fails to help them, and Claude (a fluent French speaker) cringes in a Gallic stylee).

Joseph worries that the girls secret weapon will be charming horny French men into getting good deals (“they’re all very pretty ladies”) and sure enough Vana zones in on a French glassware specialist staying in their hotel and argues him (“We’re four nice girls from the UK”) into dropping the price for the champagne flutes from 300 to 45 euros. “You’re gorgeous” he laughs and agrees the deal, presumably they edited out the bit where he dropped his pants and demanded “Now you blow me”.

Back in Kent, Jenny’s taken responsibility for “Leavers Lace” despite having sod all clue what it is and even phoning up Japanese schools and Universities (“we might get a discount!”, whilst the rest of the team leave her to it. Eventually she susses out it’s actually a speciality of Calais and calls Vana, who agrees to look for it as long as Jenny takes responsibility for the mussels (because she’s never fricking heard of moules marinere). Jenny wants to look for the mirror because her dad owns an antique shop, but Vana won’t budge and goes all Snow White wicked witch (“We’re not giving you the mirror”).

Brett’s subteam spot a pile of manure in a film and help themselves (Scott “It’s still warm!”) with the farmer’s blessing. Ruth also gets free manure by approaching a farmer who assures her “That’s genuine bullshit” and everyone gets crap on their shoes.

Vana insists her subteam drive 45minutes to Boulogne-sur-Mer to get the wrong cheese whilst Selina, April and Natalie make worried noises. They then fail to find 100 snails in a series of restaurants because they haven’t heard of markets or hypermarkets (and yes I have no idea why they can’t ask about mussels at the same time and just let the subteam know if they buy them), so Vana decides to ignore her team (especially Selina) and return to Calais to buy the mirror and lace. “So we came all this way just for cheese” Selina mutters darkly.

With Joseph still struggling to make a purchase, Richard demands space to try his strategy (“I want to be the charming, bubbling English guy”) to buy the cheese, whereupon the cheesemonger clearly thinks “Aha Boris Johnson Idiot Man!” and only offers Richard a 20 Euro discount, which David points out is already offered on the sign on the counter. They drag a deflating Richard away before he can get an extra 5p off (“Joseph “Stop causing friction, we’re trying to move on”) and an unimpressed Claude pisses off to check how the Kent subteam are doing.

Charleine looks for the cheapest price on the anchor and argues the woman down all the way from £13.50 to £12.50, reacting like she’s Gordon Fricking Gecko (“I just put in a little cheeky one” – Eh??). I mean Scott’s anchor is more expensive (£20) but at least he’s argued it down from £27.95 (Gary “I would have got it for £15”). The shop’s also selling an inflatable boat, but at £259 it’s too much for Elle to comprehend.

Joseph’s got a lead on an antiques store selling crystal flutes, but it being the feckless continent they’re closed for a long lunch, whereupon Versatile don’t exactly live up to their name and camp outside waiting for the shop to reopen hours later so they can buy the glasses for 100 euros. At least Joseph gets details of where he can buy the mirror for 30 euros. And Richard seems to have finally shut the feck up.

Jenny’s now looking for mussels and knows she will be fine as she’s “the best negotiator in the team. I’d be better off by myself actually”. “Do Chinese restaurants do mussels?” she wonders (only the really good ones, so in Kent the answer’s no apparently), before wondering into a fish restaurant and taking the waitresses word for it that they don’t have any mussels to sell, rather than say asking the chef or manager or going to a bloody market. Arggh!

In France, Selina worries about the cost of being penalised for not getting the mirror, but Vana slaps her down (“Yes we know that Selina!”) and Selina promises not to “bring up anything I have an opinion on”. Vana says pointedly that she thinks Natalie’s made more of an effort on the task. “What where you saying earlier about not being catty” Selina slams her gently. Vana phones Elle to throw her weight about, but Elle’s freaking out about the boat (which she’s now argued down to a still shopping £255) whilst the rest of the team stare about her. Vana insists “Buy the boat” and Elle has to shamefacedly admit to the gleeful boat shop lady that she’s desperate, and gets it for the sympathy price of £250.

Meanwhile Gary, not having watched Felipe being fired over cardboard skeleton gate last year, just strolls into a toy shop, sweet talks them into dropping their price from £12 at the absolute cheapest (“Let’s see if we can make history”) to £10 (“I think I’ve only got £9.50.. oh ok then”). Everyone high fives, but Claude points out it’s a bit “early to celebrate” (as the producers haven’t decided on the narrative yet).

Both sides are now hunting snails. Selina goes for X-Factor style sob stories in a restaurant (“mon pere est mort, mon mere est mort”) and gets the deal.

Joseph finds Leavers Lace and does his best Private Walker from Dad’s Army spiv smarm until they realise they’re out of mace and sell him it for 180 euros, whereas elsewhere April gets it for 70 euros. With only 30 minutes to go before the ferry leaves, Joseph has to beg Brett to try to find snails in Kent, but Brent has the hump and just makes a couple of phone calls before giving up.

Board Room time, and Sugar mocks the boys for waiting outside a closed shop for hours (“The French regularly go on strike; it’s called lunch”) and for their snail fail (Joseph “It wasn’t the right season”, Sugar “Where did they go? On holiday?”), and the girls all do horrified faces when Gary’s toy dinghy price is revealed. The awkward Alpha male struggle continues. “I just wish that Brett was PM” Richard opines. “Why?” Joseph sighs, “Because hindsight is a wonderful thing” (Joseph “Why don’t you just fucking marry Brett?”, OK I made that bit up).

Vana’s in smug mode about sexing the hotel man for cheap glasses (“I spotted a man, he had very open body language”), however it’s time for the results.

Connexus girls spent £398.44 but got fined for not bringing mussels or a mirror and for buying the wrong cheese (Selina does a told you so face) which leaves them at £725.90 including fines (how much are those mirrors!?).

Versatile spent only £336.83 but with their fine for the snails it was £409.21

So the boys of Versatile get the reward of tasting the finest wines known to humanity whilst listening to Richard act as though the win was all down to him, whereas the girls of Connexus get sent to Bridge Café to taste the milky coffee of defeat, whilst listening to Vana blame everybody else (“I take responsibility for anything wrong, but it looks like Jenny didn’t do anything and Elle couldn’t make decisions”).

It’s all kicking off against Selina, and I can’t help but think Charleine’s been partially responsible. Vana accuses Selina of “constantly trying to blame other people” and Charleine calls Selina a “moral vacuum” and starts shouting her down when Selina quietly queries this. Ooh! Handbags!

In the boardroom, Vana lays into Elle for buying the wrong boat (Elle: “I felt kind of forced”), Natalie for buying the wrong cheese (Natalie “I don’t think cheese was the failure of the task”) and Jenny for being “dead weight” (Jenny “I felt like I did a lot actually [giggle] I didn’t buy anything…oh it was awful [snort] I’m not sure what else I can say” – erm you’ve said enough love).

Selina mentions she thought they should have got the mirror and it all kicks off against her, with Charleine bitching about her faking dead parents to get a deal (Selina “It was a joke”) and accusing her, waspishly, of being “an irritating wasp at a picnic” (Selina “that’s your issue). Vana sniggers and Karen lays into her for a shambles of a task.

Anyhow Vana chooses to bring Elle back into the boardroom over her subteam leadership and Jenny “as dead weight”, and NOT Selina, because Vana knows she can’t win that bitch fight.

Poor Jenny thinks she was selfless letting people go for the easy items (“If I’d been given manure I wouldn’t be here”), but she gets given some manure courtesy of Vana (“You were distracted talking about your fathers antiques.. I knew we were looking for a French mirror”). Vana rips into Elle for not managing her team properly, despite Vana having done less for Anglo American relations than Toby Studebaker. Unfortunately despite Vana’a evident shitness, Lord Sugar fires Jenny for being a bit insipid, at which point she spiritedly pipes up (and he listens!) “I’m very disappointed to not show you what I’m capable of, because I’m a lot better than the other candidates”. Even in the cab of doom she insists she’d still have been there “if I’d taken the manure”, and “Lord Sugar will be knocking on my door in a few years time when he sees my Enormo Posh Bint Corps Business”. Or at least he might visit her at the Home for Terminally Deluded Debs.

Cards slightly marked, Elle and Vana go home and Selina makes a “someone shat in my cocoa pops” face when she sees our favourite panda eyed New Yorker return.

Vana’s just disappointed nobody stuck up for her in the boardroom (“I took the heat for you guys”), instead shunning her as though she was a crazy passive aggressive septic.

Next week jelly wrestling with electric fires! Or some sort of cute pets show.

Liking:

Ruth
Sam
Selina

Warming to

David
Joseph

Not convinced by

Scott
Gary
Elle
Natalie
April

Irritated By

Mergim
Gary
Richard

Disliking

Brett

Charleine
Vana

Bye Bye:

Dan, Aisha, Jenny

Looking Forward To

Selina strangling all the nasty girls with her bare thighs.

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