Week 10 dawns and the remaining shiny suited shitclowns are summoned to Tate Britain where Lord Sugar continues with the tenuously linked tasks, explaining that Lord Tate made his fortune in Sugar (ooer!) so the teams have to create and brand a range of luxury desserts to pitch to three retailers and the team with the most orders and who can cause the most cases of type two diabetes will win. Daniel’s moved over to Summit with Roisin, Bianca and Solomon. Sanjay switches to Tenacity with Mark and Katie and promptly starts bitching about he’s well rid of Bianca as he was always bailing her out or something.

Roisin and Katie are appointed Project Managers seeing as their business proposals are both based around food. Solomon suggests a “British Inspired Cheesecake” and they toy with the notion of “Teasecake” as both Dan and Roisin are very keen to this pudding to have tea in it. Roisin definitely wants to do the branding and picks Bianca to help, until Solomon uses his “Men are crap in the kitchen” card to consign Bianca to dessert making drudgery (Bianca looks peeved but passive aggressively insists she is “happy to support the team”). Meanwhile Daniel, who also gets stuck on production, just seems happy to be there and keeps his gob mercifully shut.

Katie meanwhile stresses to her team that they are not pitching to a Michelin Star restaurant, but just to your normal supermarket plebs. She’s convinced this task is right up her street as her business plan is to launch a healthy eating restaurant. The entire of the North disowns Katie at this point. She waltzes round sampling bizarre ingredients like saffron and oriental grapefruit type things whilst squealing “ooh tangy” and trying not to look confused.

Meanwhile Mark and Sanjay wolf down puddings in a Michelin Star restaurant and Sanjy insists that a trifle containing pear and hibiscus will combine luxury and mass appeal with a little bit of insanity. The chef advises them to make something with familiarity for consumers, but Sanjay are off in the car brainstorming names (“Fancy Full”, “Treat Time”), until Mark suggests “Sweet Pleasure” and it all gets a bit 50 shades of sugary treat.

Daniel tries to pull a clever face whilst tea tasting with a “tea sommelier”, and thankfully doesn’t swirl and spit. “That doesn’t resemble tea to me” he says thoughtfully “because I’m very uneducated… in the world of tea”. Meanwhile Bianca ponces on about “flowery aftertastes” and the tea sommelier is impressed, whereas Daniel is amazed (“Suddenly Bianca seemed to know all about TEA!”). Daniel says “TEA” a lot in the production lab, in between failing to break eggs (“are these magical eggs?”), just in case we didn’t realise their dessert contains TEA. He thinks there’s too much TEA in the dessert. Bianca thinks it’s not enough. Nobody asks a vicar. Eventually they create some cheesecakes which Daniel fingers rather worryingly, and give each other high fives on a job well done. I must say Daniel’s lobotomy still seems to be keeping him nice and easy going this week.

Katie donns her Greggs hat to mix up some strawberry and hibiscus (“Ugh that’s horrible!”) before losing it with the saffron, picking out two tiny strands (“Is this supposed to dissolve”) and dithering over why she can’t taste anything (“I’m being over cautious”) before chucking in a bucketload (about fifty quid’s worth) of the stuff. She eventually creates a dodgy looking jumble of fruit and cream (North Eastern Mess?) and proudly declares “it doesn’t look artificial”. Neither does poo.

Sanjay and Mark bond over a shared love of red and white gingham for their rubbish, camp vintage style trifle branding. Sanjay chooses the name “A trifle different” and thinks he’s fucking Oscar Wilde or something. Sadly you can’t read the name properly on the sub Happy Shopper finished product which looks like something you’d buy at a 99p shop for an enemy. It arrives the next day and both Sanjay and Mark love it (“That looks like a product!”).

Meanwhile Roisin and Solomon come up with “Tea Pot” which is simple and classy (i.e. plain and dull) but doesn’t seem to clearly explain that it actually is a dessert and not just a delicious beverage based product. Solomon is cruelly mocked by Roisin for saying he would buy a dessert for a girlfriend, which makes me suspect Roisin is really an emotionless business cyborg who doesn’t understand the healing powers of pudding.

Katie is typically democratic and says each team member can take a pitch to the supermarkets. Roisin chooses to lay down the law and says she will lead with Bianca supporting and they will only give Daniel a go if Hell freezes over and there is a Z in the month and if things don’t work out. He’s amazingly chilled about this, despite like Solomon, being desperate to prove himself. His mask slips a tad in the car as he says he’s realised “Roisin is actually in love with Bianca”. Saucer of milk!

Sanjay does his market research and 6 out of 7 people like the trifles. One completely mad bloke gives it 10 out of 10 and Sanjay likes the cut of his jib. However one woman says the saffron makes it taste savoury and Sanjay gives her an overwrought pensive look.

Solomon calls Roisin to explain that the traffic is shit so he and Daniel might not get there in time for the first pitch to Asda. Cue elation amongst the women of the team, and a fresh order for another saucer of milk for Roisin (“I’m not at all concerned Daniel and Solomon won’t be there”). Roisin plays buzzword bingo at the Asda pitch, harping on about “treat seekers” and “grazing consumers” (for Christ sake woman why not humanise it and just identify “aspirational, toothless, spotty fatties” as your target audience?). Asda man however thinks there should be more tea in the pudding. Told you they should have asked a vicar. Roisin tells the boys her pitch was “seamless” however when they meet at Waitrose. Dan’s eager for just a tiny thing to say in this pitch (“can’t we mention the market research we did?”) but Roisin and Bianca insist the boys stay silent and look pretty and try not to look too bored and end up interrupting with something inane and distinctly none Waitrosey. Oops too late, Daniel’s off telling the Waitrose woman that the tea “smacked me around the face” and that he doesn’t have a posh palate like what she does, whilst Roisin looks icy daggers at him. Afterwards Roisin tells him to “bite your tongue” in future, but he still thinks her pitch was a “bit monotone” (“I quite liked the product before that pitch – she’s put me off it”).

Katie’s Asda pitch isn’t great and predictably the Asda people think the flavours are too mental for even your average Asda shopper. Mark does his usual non-Jedi mind tricks on the way to the Waitrose pitch (“He’s a good guy but is Sanjay the guy you want in front of the largest supermarket? He was in the boardroom for underselling”) until Katie rings Sanjay and offers him the Waitrose pitch with support from her and Mark. Sanjay resists a hissy fit but insists he can handle a pitch by himself. Unfortunately Waitrose call them out on the Saffron tasting “earthy” whilst costing the earth and they think the branding doesn’t look “premium or top tier”.

It’s Tesco time and Daniel begs to be allowed to mention his precious market research just this once. Roisin relents (“but keep it snappy”). Tesco are really positive from word go about the tea pots and Solomon feels buoyed up enough to get in on the action by mentioning that he would buy one as a gift for a friend, which the Tesco people all nod at whilst polishing off their cheesecakes (maybe Daniel slipped some crack cocaine into them). Daniel introduces himself (“Hi, I’m Daniel”) and comes across as David Brent (as played by Oliver Reed) whilst relating the positive consumer feedback (“‘It’s really good and I can really taste the green tea coming through”), but in reality they had the greedy little Greg Wallaces at Tesco at the word “dessert” (Tesco man waxes on about them combining the “nation’s favourite drink and a dessert with fun”). Solomon reckons Tescos woman winked at him (“that’s a good sign isn’t it”) – the boy is OBSESSED. He seems more and more like a naughty schoolboy who gets by through smiling, nodding and looking slightly abashed on occasion. Not that that’s a bad strategy in most workplaces, and I still can’t help liking him.

Mark starts his pitch to Tesco and promptly starts choking more than the Boston Strangler in an old folk’s home, interspersing dull business figures with disturbing gravelly coughs. It’s an utter Mark Meltdown. So it seems he can sell but he can’t pitch. As he descends into a hacking fit, Tesco take pity and offer him water, but he still fails to form coherent sentences (“Diet fruit… sorry DRIED fruit”) and apologises profusely when they leave, although in the car he slyly looks around wondering how he can shift the blame.

In the boardroom, Roisin tries to dismiss Solomon’s branding contribution, but Nick leaps to his defence (“he was bouncing up and down with little ideas”) and Sugar is bemused by “grazing customers” (“what? a donkey or a goat?”). Sugar notices the deafening silence from Daniel’s general direction (“Ave you got a sore throat”), but our boy can’t be gagged for long and when Roisin admits that she wanted to keep Daniel away from pitching, he’s off (“What were we supposed to do. Stand there and hold the doors open for the girls?”). Unfortunately for Roisin, who says Daniel’s contribution at the second pitch was rubbish, Nick again sticks up for the poor oppressed blokes (aww) by stating that Waitrose actually LIKED Daniel, and even Solomon looks quite frankly astounded.

Sanjay gets stick for failing to address negative points raised during market research in order to pre-empt difficult questions from the retailers, and Katie tries to airbrush the Asda woman’s response to saffron in a dessert by saying she wasn’t “keen” until Karren steamrollers in (“She thought it was disgusting! It went in the bin!”).

Mark admits he “dropped his bundle” (eh?) and “the situation beat me”, but promises it won’t happen again. “Nobody else has buckled” Nick slides the knife in smoothly.

Results time:

Asda didn’t like Katie’s pitch, but did like the products that didn’t have saffron in, so ordered 13,500 units.

Asda hated the tea pots (“too niche”) that Roisin and Bianca pitched alone and didn’t order any.

Waitrose didn’t think Tenacity’s trifles were posh enough so ordered none. However they quite liked Summit’s tea pots and ordered 5,500.

Tesco were “confused by Tenacity’s branding” and probably didn’t fancy anything that Mark had coughed all over so didn’t order any. They did like the tea pots (although thought they needed “tweaking” to include more drugs) so ordered 20,500.

Summit therefore win by 12,500 orders and are sent to eat macaroons and drink martinis on the world’s smallest exclusive yacht which was apparently in a Bond film (it’s pretty fricking exclusive as it only seems to seat four).

Poor Katie and her team are sent to brood in cafe doom and she turns a peculiar shade of grey as it dawns on her that having a food related business plan may not make this the best task to fuck up.

Back in the boardroom and she tries to argue that “desserts are not my strongpoint” but still gets stick for using too much saffron (“clearly you have no concept of costs”). Her business proposal is to take foods that are traditionally unhealthy and “make them healthy” (“Fastie Pasties?”), but fortunately she doesn’t “plan on being chef”, and she insists she has run front of house in a restaurant before. “I’ve been to Macdonalds too” sneers Sugar. Ouch!

The “gingham and splodges” packaging is described as looking like “someone had sneezed on it with a mouthful of custard”, which you just know there is probably a ‘speciality’ magazine about somewhere.

Katie tries to blame Mark, but he claims it’s down to the branding, which Karren points out he was responsible for, so he tries again (“80% of the purchase decision is made by the taste of the product and Katie got that wrong”). Hmm. Last time I checked I wasn’t allowed to make sound consumer judgements at the cold counter by peeling back tinfoil lids and dipping my spoon in, so I was forced to go for the dessert that looked least shit which I could actually afford.

It turns out that Sugar doesn’t give a flying monkey bollock about the task and it’s all down to the business proposals from now on in. Therefore Sanjay’s idea of a sort of facebook for gym users (I get the feeling this exists already but I never want to know about it), where people pay a membership fee, but Sugar thinks he’s “deluded in thinking that is a lucrative business”.

Mark insists “I want to be here more than anyone else” and Karren can’t resist sticking her oar in (“You failed in front of Tescos”), prompting Sanjay to state that there’s been a “few occasions” when people thought Mark should have been brought back into the boardroom (Mark: “Why are you diving in mate?”). Mark claims he’s become one the the UK’s top internet entepreneur with 7 (SEVEN!) whole staff and a company turning over 1.5million quid. So why is he there again?

Sugar, Nick and Karren send the candidates out to wait whilst they chat about how useless they all are, and as soon as Sugar mentions that “Sanjay has spent his whole life in banking” you just know he’s toast. Everyone troops back in and Sugar tells them that although sole traders are the “backbone of the economy” he’s not interested in that market. Katie declares that although she is a sole trader, she’s ready to go to the “next level”.

Sanjay insists he can make 1.1million in 5 years, but Mark starts blinding him with knowledge about internet advertising and tells him it’s not possible, even though Sanjay says he has 4 other revenue streams which are too top secretly non existent to actually share with the boardroom. They all shout over each other until Katie becomes mum again and tells them to stop.

Sadly whilst she thinks she has the business model to go global from Sunderland with her rabbit food empire, but Sugar’s unconvinced and fires her with regret, and she sweetly tells Karren and Nick it’s been lovely meeting them. In the Taxi of Ruefullness she’s still “proud of everything I’ve done”. Bless.

Sugar makes the boys sweat, but we all know he’s going to fire Sanjay, who only makes things worse for himself by trying to brand Mark as a one-trick pony, but unfortunately picking a quite important trick (“Selling you’re great at. If you want a sales guy Lord Sugar, pick Mark”) and Sugar takes his advice (“You are an intelligent and clever fellow”) and although Mark’s business proposal is “all abaht sales.. but there’s so many of you out there doing it”, our wrinkly walnut faced peer fires Sanjay (no regret this time).

Mark’s still blanched, sweating and waiting (“Can I speak again Lord Sugar?” “No”) but he eventually gets a reprieve and returns to the house, where Daniel is telling everyone that even though “Mark screwed up completely” (of course), he thinks it’s “impossible to let Mark go”. One day these two men will kiss.

Roisin’s stunned that Katie has gone. Who will darn the boys’ socks now? Mark explains that “it’s all about you now and your business plan”. They all stop and think that Daniel’s business plan must be shit hot.

Next week, Sugar unleashes the bulldogs of war onto the candidates for the interviews round. Mark thinks going into an interview after Daniel is a good strategy (“You’ll look good then”) and baldy business bastard Claude Littner growls at someone “It’s a bloody disgrace”.


Scary Fembot

Still bonkers – but making me laugh.

Bundle Dropper

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun, Steven, Stepford Sarah, Ella Jade, Jemma, Pamela, Lauren, James, Felipe, Katie, Sanjay

Tips for the Final:
Roisin, Daniel (call it a hunch – he wouldn’t be there still otherwise) and fecking Mark.