It’s Week 6 and the remaining candidates board HMS Belfast so that able seaman Lord Sugar can present them with the series most tenuous link to a task yet (“Vessels like this inspired the boardgame Battleship.. you have 48 to design a boardgame and sell it to trade; the team with the most sales wins”).

Over on Tenacity, Mark’s being a smug prick already (“Daniel, I don’t suppose you want to put yourself forward again?”, Daniel: “As long as I can lead us to victory again.”, Pamela *winces*), but he counts himself out of leading as he “doesn’t have a family” and has “never played a boardgame” (is he an alien?). Likewise, Lauren would be “happy to lead”, but doesn’t think it fits her skill set. Mark plays God and decides matters (“I’d like to give Pamela a go”, Pamela: “er super”). Felipe and Katie cleverly say nothing for most of the episode.

Lauren suggests a simple shadow puppetry game with a sheet and a lamp for maximum fire risk fun, but Dan doesn’t know what people could do with their hands “apart from a bunny rabbit” (I’ll give you a clue Daniel, try cupping your hand and saluting with it really quickly). Mark suggests a dating based relationship game, which Katie suggests should be a “battle of the sexes” and Pam’s all for it – despite not checking whether the retailers will be mainly aiming at children (Da Dah DURR!).

Meanwhile James leads Summit and aims for a family game. Solomon describes a game where children act out negative emotions, which sounds in danger of becoming Waddingtons “Family Shootout”. Roisin suggests a game in which people have to guess country names by acting them out, drawing clues, and then they get to conquer those countries on the board (so that’s “Charades Pictionary Risk”?) and everyone goes with it.

James and Bianca pitch to a bunch of cute kids in their focus group – and they all like the idea. He dispatches Roisin (“You’re quite sensible aren’t you?”, Roisin: “Yes I am.”) to help produce the product.

Pamela chooses to create the game as she feels the relationship concept “should be handled tastefully and erm funly”, so Lauren leads the pitch to what appears to be a cross between an obese version of The Big Bang Theory and a pub quiz team. The bloke who looks like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons says “I like Sci Fi” – no shit Sherlock. Lauren reports back to Pamela that none of them like the idea “of anything to do with relationships” (because they’ve never had one), and Mark qualifies this by saying the group “are not our target market.. and thought the idea was sleazy”. Pamela takes the executive decision to go with the Relationship game anyway despite it not being family oriented or appealing to boardgamers. Why not just brand “Pin the Cock on the Balls” and be done with it? She gets Dan to write “funny, quirky (sexist) questions” like “Which is the most annoying to men? A visit to the Mother in Law, their partner snoring, being anally probed” whilst Karen Brady cringes almost audibly. Rather than being a “fun” game for couples the game morphs into “The Relationship Guru” with the answers to the questions telling players that they are stupid virgins if they make the “wrong” choice out of a series of random options. Dan’s on a roll with these quirky questions though. “What do women like?” he asks a table full of women. Katie starts to speak, but he doesn’t need to hear it, “Eating chocolate!” he declares triumphantly. Yes Daniel, all us girls love scoffing twixes, and whinging, having periods and rubbing ourselves all over with shoes and handbags like fucking mad bitches.

Bianca is charged to photograph a wacky family of pirate fantasists (dad with parrot on shoulder) playing the game on the world’s blandest Argos furniture. Except James barks and fusses at her constantly when she’s trying to get the job done, and sulks when she patiently explains that she knows what she’s doing (“This is my task, I’m PM!”). “I’ll put her in her place, no problem” broods James worryingly before cornering her in the kitchen (“I’m PM. You’ve been difficult”) and being forced to stare moodily at his cornflakes when she asks for examples and refuses to back down. “A wise man speaks cos he has something to say; a fool speaks cos he has to say somethings” says Bianca sagely. “I chose you on my team so I could see what you are about” James harrumphs, in an attempt to look like an Alpha Male mastermind that succeeds in making him look even more dickish.

Felipe helps Mark create a camp montage of hearts, lips and muscles for “The Relationship Guru” which Pam and Dan hate at first sight. Mark gets all prissy (“We did the best we could with the description you gave”) and goes into now traditional early damage-limitation (“We’ve done a very good job today with no direction”). This is why I hate him.

The games arrive and the teams test them out. Geoknow may be dull (unless you’re James who doesn’t seem to understand how it works, and manages to act out the USA by gurning and drawling “huhhh I’m from erm America”), but at least it’s playable (and the schoolkids actually love the finished game). However Tenacity’s test group of hipsters all declare the game sexist (“If someone got this out at a party I’d probably leave”) and Daniel gets all sweaty and intense before stalking out clutching his game (maybe they could just rebrand it Misogyny? It’d probably sell at the moment), before epically distancing himself from it with some creative reminiscences (“Did I like the idea? No. Did Pamela? Yes”).

Roisin looks so much like Gwynneth Paltrow trying to imitate Gina Gershon as she does the pitch for Toys R Us, and James leaps in with the hard sell, asking them to take a million units. They suggest 25 units and Roisin starts asking if they could go half way, but James, in another demonstration of his general shitmuppetry, as good as bitchslaps her in front of the bemused Toys R Ussies, and manages to sell 30 units at £10. Meanwhile Sanjay gets a pitch appointment by talking like a camp robot in the car and manages to sell 15 games at £17 each, and when James hears the news he claims “we’ve been screwed a little bit at the toy retailer” (nope you screwed yourself James – which probably explains why he walks like he’s trying to hold in a poo).

Poor Daniel is out of his depth with the classy lady at Westminster Waterstones, who doesn’t like the sexist stereotypes and doesn’t agree that it will “cause laugh out loud moments” (well it did in our house), so leaves with NO SALES, which Mark thinks is “absolutely horrific” (no Mark, horrific is famine or disease or being born with a weird rectangular head). Pamela does mock shock (“What with Daniel being a brilliant sales person?”) and just as I’m happily despising the pair of them, Mark annoyingly manages to sell the adult oriented game to Toys R Us (“as gentlemen”) as something the missus can take home for the weekend as a bit of fun (that is what wine is for). “I would buy this at your store” Mark lies and they buy 60 at £8 each. From then on, Pamela lets Mark do all the talking, and he does very well at bamboozling humble shopkeepers with Antipodean Gibberish (“You don’t have to be a rocket surgeon to play this game”). Poor Dan lucks out at Forbidden Planet, and I’m shouting at the telly “Just go to Ann Summers!”. Selling ends and there’s stock left (Mark: “There’s no excuses for that”) and Daniel misses out on a pity sale. Pamela is disappointed: “Something’s gone wrong and my hunch is… it’s Lauren!”. Eh? Clearly no sisterly love lost there.

James manages to sell 15 games at £20 each to a posh shop in Hampstead on condition they have exclusivity within the NW3 postcode area. Poor Bianca is so impressed by this idea that she offers exclusivity for the whole of Westminster in exchange for 6 sales to some smug beardy types. Oops. James goes fucking mental (“who gave you authority!!”), as he had two pitches lined up in W1 which are now useless. Also Bianca and Solomon are headed next to Westminster Waterstones, where the lady loves their concept, but aren’t impressed by not being able to sell it in their flagship store. Solomon manages to sell 29 units at the lower rate of £11, but he reckons “Bianca’s mistake cost us hugely”. James bullishly shifts the last of the stock and Summit have won this by miles, no?

Back in the boardroom and Bianca is castigated for her exclusivity disaster (“It’s like you sold Mayfair and Park Lane for a fiver”), but she takes it on the chin, then describes James’s leadership as more of a dictatorship.

Sugar picks up on Mark selecting Pamela as PM to see her leadership skills (“How about your leadership skills? I ain’t seen them either.”) and Lauren is told off for playing it safe. Lauren feels there was a problem with the relationship idea, but Pamela shoots her down icily (“Well there wasn’t too much on the table”). Miaow!

More of Dan’s questions are mocked: “Men think women should: iron, smile more, always be happy?” – actually that’s quite deep, recognising that smiling a lot doesn’t necessarily indicate happiness. Sugar seems to agree (“This is inspired”) oh no, he’s taking the piss.

Mark decides to speak for everyone like he’s in charge rather than someone who’s never played a boardgame, and Daniel can’t resist getting back in on the cockfight (“Every week you come in here, making your assessments”).

Anyhow here’s the scores:

Tenacity sold 128 units and made £1,101
Summit sold all their units and made £2080 – which means James is going to be utterly unbearable for at least another week, although Sugar does a soft card marking (“You still got an incredible amount to learn”).

Summit are sent to kick penalties against a drugged David Seaman (from HMS Belfast to chanting “Seaman” – loving the production team’s work here).

In Recrimination Cafe, Pamela claims people sat on the fence, and really has it in for Lauren. Dan interjects and she plays the “Why are you so aggressive?” card. Back in the Boardroom she claims Daniel and Lauren were “really quiet” (which kind of ruins her argument about their input being wrong), and when Lauren disagrees, Pamela whines “I can’t get a word in edgeways. This is what I have to work with” (oh make your mind up you mad cow – are they quiet or talking all the time?).
Mark claims not volunteering to lead the team was “an oversight” (erm) and sucks massively up to Sugar, winding Daniel up enough to have another crazy non- sequitur of a pop at him (“You like your football analogies. Here’s another one. A good number two doesn’t always make a good number one”) and Mark along with the viewing audience pull WTF? faces.

Daniel is accused of being delusional by Sugar after another sales-free performance (“I’m not accusing you of being a liar, I’m accusing you of being a fantasist”). Daniel promises to “learn and get better”.

To absolutely no-one’s surprise, Pamela brings Daniel and Lauren back into room, but Sugar declares the jury is still out on Mark. The PM claims Daniel was “obstructive and destructive” (eh? He was crap, but not in a deliberate way) and blames Lauren for erm doing market research when she should have been doing market research and not coming up with other ideas based on the market research when really that was, well Pamela’s job. Lauren attempts to interject but Pamela starts up a low hissing drone of Irish bile over everything she says. “You’re talking round in circles and not making a definitive point” Pamela repeats endlessly and pointlessly.

Lord Sugar focuses on Crazy Daniel’s CV which says things like “there are no tactics needed when you’re complete in the world of business” (Daniel “I’m not retracting that statement”) and claims that he has “learned from every mistake he ever made” (Sugar: “You must be a bleedin genius by now”). Sugar offers him a lifeline by pointing out that Daniel disagrees with everything our favourite Merkin faced peer says to him (“That can’t be right… I can’t deal with someone who cannot admit to their own weaknesses”) and Crazy Daniel isn’t quite so daft as to resist this lifeline (“Yes Lord Sugar. I will take on board every single word and you will see a complete change in me”). Inexplicably I find myself warming to Daniel, despite him being a mahoosive sexist deluded tool. With all his crazy godbothering gesticulation and vague air of mild threat, everything about him screams “loser” yet he also feels like the tragic anti-hero of the series (pseud’s corner here I come!). He reminds me a little of Nic Cage in one of his bad acting roles, perhaps the remake of the Wicker Man, and I thoroughly expect Daniel to don a bear suit and start punching women next week.

Pamela gets stick for only having been in commerce for a year (although she tries to claim her paper round when she was 13 counted), but Lauren thinks she should be fired (“I don’t think I should be in here”, Pamela: “you didn’t do anything”). Sugar sums up by stating he’s “struggling how to describe Daniel” (6 letters, starts with M, sounds a bit like ‘gentle’?), and starts teasing us all by saying how “bitterly disappointed” he is with Lauren’s lack of “entrepreneurial spirit” (“Even Daniel, somewhere in his lifetime, sold a bit of stuff” – hmm think you will find Lauren’s done that more recently), but fortunately he sees sense and fires a tearful Pamela for failing to exercise quality control over the product. She flounces off like an evil Kate Bush to slag off Lauren some more in the Bitter Taxi of Shattered Dreams.

Daniel hasn’t even finished thanking God and Sugar raises the spectre of a double or triple firing to “remove deadwood”, but fortunately he doesn’t see Lauren as “deadwood” (she reels off an incomprehensible string of grovelling gratitude) and gives Daniel a “very last chance”, enabling him to walk in on Mark leading an anti-Daniel bitchfest back at the house (“He’s started having personal gos at me. I can’t work with the bloke”) so the thwarted Aussie’s square jaw pleasingly scrapes the floorboards . “Sorry guys” Daniel smiles, “but this process isn’t decided by how well you write questions”. Now that was actually quite cool.

Next week the teams find out where the treat budget has been spent as they get to design an advert for Times Square – the one in New York. Wow!

Liking

Solomon
Katie
Bianca
Lauren
Felipe

Warming to
Roisin

Not warming to
Sanjay

Strange creeping wrongmo crush of extreme shame forming on
Crazy Daniel

Both of them Utter Arsehats in different ways
Smug Mark
Over-Eager James

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun, Steven, Stepford Sarah, Ella Jade, Jemma, Pamela

My tips for the final:
Roisin, Mark, Lauren, Solomon

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