After last week’s cull, you’d think Week 5 would be much easier to blog, but unfortunately Lord Sugar seems to have retained some of the least memorable candidates, so it’s still as simple to follow as spotting a twat on a tube train. However as some ancient prophecy probably foretold, if you get rid of three massive arseholes in one fell swoop, another arsehole, even vaster and more repellent will come to fill their place. And lo it comes to pass.
Our favourite haunted bollock faced peer of the realm greets the candidates at “South Mimms” wherever the sod that is. (Daniel correctly it’s a service station on the M25, although Mark is unconvinced until the car actually pulls up at South Mims Service Station). They have to create their own coach tours, selling tickets to hapless London tourists wanting a day trip out of the capital. Most profit wins. He balances the teams by saddling poor Tenacity (Daniel, Felipe, Lauren, Katie and Pamela) with humour vacuum Mark.
Sanjay leads Summit (Silent Jemma, Roisin, Bianca and Eager James) and fancies a history based tour with a really good story about Henry VIII and the Canterbury tales (only a few hundred years difference there, why not chuck in a few dinosaurs to really add value?).

Daniel “organising events is what I do” promises to “drive Tenacity to victory” and despite a coup attempt by Mark (who actually says he’s worked as a tour guide), Daniel shouts him down and promises to outclass everyone else. He suggests a price of £80-£85, but Mark says it should be at least 100 quid, and after a brief dick measuring contest, Daniel huffily agrees they can go to £99.50 and Mark, Pamela and Lauren are sent to laugh at him behind his back whilst researching Blenheim Palace. Mark smoothly argues the Blenheim palace lady from £14 per person to £9.50 if they bring in more than 20 punters.

Sanjay does some of his special bank manager magic maths by working out they only have 25 seats and plucking the magic figure of £60 as a ticket price to include the coach trip, a visit to two attractions and a packed lunch. He sends James and Jemma to Hever Castle, where James is put in charge of negotiating a discount and promptly demands 80% off, laying into Jemma when she suggests it could be a bit embarrassing for the Hever Castle representative (James “Oh you read minds now do you!” Jemma – cringes as far away from him as is humanly possible). Hever Castle lady starts off by laughing in James’s big oiky face when he asks for an entry price of £3.10 when their normal group rate is £12.25, but she ends up looking at him like he’s a turd in a sink as he continues aggressively haggling for hours, eventually getting a tiny discount (and probably doing an internal fistpump). Meanwhile Solomon manages to charm a load of laydeez to join Summit Tours.
At St Paul’s, Daniel helps Katie out by scaring bemused tourists away from her sales queue, but she struggles with the high price (“They thought I said 19 not 90”, Daniel “Keep going, that’s fine”, Katie (sighs) “Next”), although eventually she manages to flog about five seats to the chronically confused and Nick is impressed that they’re keeping the price high.
Pamela, Lauren and Mark are horrified and have an enjoyable bitch about how shit Daniel is on the way to their next attraction which is erm a boat (maybe some of these tourists come from deserts?) where Mark also annoyingly negotiates a decent discount. Desperate Dan ends up flogging tickets to a company (“Do you know Churchill was actually born on the toilets in Blenheim Palace”) and they get 9 more passengers but he drops the price right down to £65.

Poor Jemma ends up following a shouty James as he runs off to find the Canterbury Tales attraction where she politely asks what the recommended discount would be? Much too polite for James’ liking and he pushes in to hammer the Canterbury Tales lady into submission whilst poor Jemma stares at her shores. “I don’t know why Jemma’s still here” James rants “I had to step in. In business you’ve got to be hard. You get pushed over if you’re not”. Well, he’s jumped over that line between eager and thick to proper prize bellend and no mistake.

Bianca entices a group of students to take the historical tours by admitting there’s only 9 tickets left and they are the last group she’s seeing. One smart arse takes the open goal “So are we your final chance?” and they all laugh at her neediness, but still she sells all the seats at £45 each, which Sanjay is well chuffed to hear of, although James goes into a permasulk.

Lauren, Mark and Pamela create the merchandise, with the latter well peeved with spending her night “ironing a fecking image onto a bag”, so Daniel gets short shrift when he calls (“You sound extremely negative, I don’t know why.”) and suggests she might be on a “power trip” (at least he didn’t suggest PMT).

6.30am the next day and Tenacity turn up at Victoria Coach Station in their yellow waistcoats and ties (Felipe: “We look like the crew of a really expensive airline” – erm no you look like someone’s stolen UKIP’s coats). Mark shoves the passengers onto the coach (customer:”I’m excited!”, Mark: “You should be!”) whilst somewhere in an Aldi Katie manages to buy all the cheapest packed lunch items (“Mr Kipling’s Bramley Apple Pie, that’s very English”) to feed the multitude at £2.10 a head. Classy! Not so impressive when it turns out to be half a shit sandwich (Mark “that would kill a brown dog” – erm?) and £1.50 extra for some water when it finally arrives.

Sanjay’s Summit Tours are slightly tardier, but eventually they’re off, and some dick has put James in charge of in flight entertainment (“put your hand up if you think I’m good looking!” one bloke and one Japanese lady raise their hands slowly), pointing out all the sites (“There’s cafe Nero on the left”) and embarking on a Footy Fan ‘sings’ the songs of the nursery medley all the way to Hever Castle whilst the passengers contemplate using the little fire hammer to break the windows and throw themselves gladly into the path of oncoming traffic (passenger: “This is Torture” James: “You hum it love I’ll sing it!” etc).

Lauren does an impressive job as a tour guide at Blenheim Palace and even Nick Hewer’s impressed (“She’s mastered the fact”). Meanwhile Summit arrive at Hever Castle and, oh christ on a bike, what dick gave James a loudspeaker? James flaps round in a cape leading the poor passengers on a topiary based death march through the gardens (“Erm that’s a bird.. and that’s a shape”: truly he is the Bush Master) before handing over to Jemma’s faltering history masterclass (“There is a photo of Henry VIII over there I think”). A tourist asks her what the artifact on top of the fireplace is, but Jemma reckons it’s just some old shit as it’s not even in the guidebook. In Anne Boleyn’s bedroom, Jenna tells the tragic tale of how the queen was “actually imprisoned before she was executed” as opposed to just sneaking up on her and executing her in the street as a surprise. Then it’s back to the gardens for James to flog them pictures and keyrings like an insane market barker (if only he’d promised not to sing on the way home, he’d have made a fortune!). Then it’s off to Canterbury with James sensitively announcing he’d give the coach toilet 10 minutes if I was you to his poor victims before Sanjay bores them to sleep with his fun Kentish factoids.

Oxford graduate Felipe has changed into his UKIP striped jacket and a straw boater to entertain the punters on the boat trip with a lecture about Oxford (the most fun fact is “there are more pigs in Oxfordshire than people” it goes downhill from there) going through the entire University prospectus and application form (“if anyone has any question or any facts you would like me to go through again”) as the customers fondly dream of an iceberg looming ahead of them.

Summit do a Spinal Tap in Canterbury and spend hours trying to find the Canterbury Tales place, so the tourists fortunately have less of James in a cowl honking on at them (“WELCOME to the fourteenth century”) before Sanjay apologetically drags everyone back to the coach (James: “Let’s have another sing song on the way home”. Passengers claw at glass screaming). As Tenacity arrive back home on time, Summit are still 45 minutes away having a fire auction on unsold crisps and lemonade. James is obsessed by his knackers (“we’ve absolutely worked our balls off tonight”) but Solomon’s worked out “If the other team sell high, we’re absolutely screwed”.

So it’s Boardroom time and Sanjay gets stick for his stupid low price, whereas Karen points out that James shocked Hever Castle lady with his attitude and James throws a massive toddler strop yelping on about how he sold nearly “EVERYTHING” and even shouting over Karen when she points out his approach is “different” by yelling “If I hadn’t done that we wouldn’t have all this money! You guys tell Lord Sugar what YOU sold” as if he’s some sort of massive imbecilic tool who didn’t get breastfed enough.

Daniel’s under fire from the rest of Tenacity who all diss his lack of sales ability until he’s left gulping on about being an “events manager” and takes credit for selling to the business . Even Felipe disagrees and declares it a “group effort” and Nick backs the rest of the team up, rubbing salt into the wounds by disclosing that the business would have paid more than the £65 Daniel offered. Mark declares “the manager lost the dressing room” and bigs himself up for getting a 60% discount at Blenheim Palace and you just know James wants to punch him or compare testicles.

It’s numbers time and Summit sold all their tickets making £1395, but spent £582, so their profit was £813. James looks well smug.

Tenacity only made 20 sales but sold high to make £1531 – and spent only £492 – making a profit of about £1038. James looks like he might cry or wee himself. Poor Dan gets no credit (not even a hug on leaving the boardroom) and everyone pats Mark on the head, which the smug Aussie fool just loves. They get sent to absail down the Orbit sculpture and you hope the team aren’t holding Dan’s rope. Mark offers some inspirational (patronising) advice (“We were hard on you but it’s better to learn now”), but Dan fucks him right off (“I’d rather win ugly than lose being liked”) leaving Mark with a face like a smacked arse and me liking Daniel for a millisecond.

In Cafe Doom, Sanjay holds Bianca responsible for the fail because of underselling to the students. Roisin thinks James was too aggressive so he rants at her to prove her wrong (“I was selling, you were talking and holding a clipboard!”). They go back in and Sanjay admits James’ nursery song soundtrack was “in hindsight… a poor decision”. Having established that James didn’t even stop when the passenger complained it was “torture”, Sugar sighs “When are you going to stop?” and James is wound up and off claiming he WILL prove himself (“I got a pair of bal… I’m prepared to do that”). It’s established Sanjay ddn’t work out the pricing properly even though as a bank manager it’s the first thing he’d ask a client starting a similar business. Bianca gets stick for “the opening gambit ‘Hello you are my last chance'” and looks terrified (“I didn’t use those words” Solomon, panto stylee: “Oh yes you did”). Jemma gets stick for knowing fuck all history compared to swotty Lauren (“I believe I swotted up also”) and the mortifying fact that she says in her CV “I’m always the girl that NEARLY wins” (is she 15? she may as well just type “I want a pony” in 72 point font), which she ‘explains’ away claiming “Generally I lose out.. I’m not claiming to be perfect.. I know I’m on a learning curve”. Someone give her first prize for digging a hole. Anyhow Sanjay brings back her and Bianca, and Roisin pulls a “What the actual fuck” face.

However James’ card is well and truly marked by Lord Sugar (“You are this close to a firing.. for the last bladdy time clean up your act and stop being a clown”). He strolls back in his massive shoes to a car, but when he gets in all the sides fall off. Hilarious!

Back in the boardroom and Sugar thinks none of them have brains when it comes to pricing. Sanjay starts getting all snippy with Bianca (“You didn’t communicate any concept to us”) and then with Jemma when she says he should be fired (“You said Bianca earlier, you’ve changed your mind.. it doesn’t show much of a backbone!”, Jemma “I listen”, Sanjay “You don’t do much” ooh miaow!). Sugar thinks it’s hard to blame anyone other than Sanjay for the pricing, but he doesn’t know what Jemma’s been doing for the last 5 weeks. However Bianca’s “got some potential” so she’s ok, except he randomly now decides that dropping prices is a “fireable offence” (not as bad as a half empty bus surely?) and teases us all by doing that “It is regretful” intro before letting a distinctly relieved Sanjay off the hook and firing poor Jemma who in the taxi of eternal what if she still believes that one day she’ll win something. If I knew where she lived I’d send the poor cow a scratchcard with “Don’t stop dreaming!” written on the back.

Back in the house Roisin starts winding up the James again (“You got away with murder”) and in case we weren’t convinced he was an obnoxious, defensive little shit he snaps back “What did I do wrong? Singing on the bus!” before letting them all know how they’re all crap and he is great and skill and his balls are much bigger than Roisins so there!
Daniel tries to glean a small ounce of credit for his PM skills (“On the day we did quite well”) but Mark’s there to slap him down like some horrible fundamental Christian schoolteacher (“You learned a cheap lesson today. You’re a liar. You claim other people’s work.. it’s just so tiring”) and Dan goes to sulk in the corner (“I don’t like being called a liar when I’m not”).
Next week the teams have to come up with a board game. Hopefully one which involves strategy, luck and beating James and Mark round the face with a giant mace covered in acid.

Think she’ll win, but still not warming to:


Big Swinging Dickheads:

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun, Steven, Stepford Sarah, Ella Jade, Jemma