Week 3 and the candidates are summoned at sunrise to the Royal Exchange, and although the boys aren’t really sure what it is (silly! It’s clearly where the Royal family buy replacement organs and blood to keep them alive ), they power blow dry their armpit hairs to steel themselves for victory. Mark dreads the idea of being mixed up with the girls, lest their inherent moistness clog up his special selling pants.

Lord Sugar pretends to have used the underground by doing that comedy bent knees straightening walk to meet the candidates at what was once the commercial heart of the city and now is a posho shopping mall, home to the biggest names in “laxury” bollocks, and sets them the task to create a designer home fragrance, complete with labelling and packaging and flog it to the public and trade. It’s all a game of margins and the biggest profit wins. Mark’s pants wilt as Sugar decides to mix the team, so Steven, Daniel and Felipe are sent to Tenacity (creating an apparent cast of thousands with Katie, Lauren, Stepford Sarah, Pamela, Ella Jade and Jemma), whilst Roisin, Nurun, Bianca and Lindsay go to Summit (with James, Sanjay, Solomon and Mark; so that’s 8 people. Hmm ) . Sanjay is delighted to have lost the “three weakest links” from the boys team.

Felipe’s immediately in organising mode and asks “Does anyone have experience in this market?” and Northern Katie steps forward as Project Manager on the basis that only idiots buy these products and she IS that idiot, and sounding curiously like Sarah Millican as she describes herself as “Someone obsessive about the smell of me home.. I buy them all; candles, reed diffuses, plug-ins” (fnar!).

Sarah thinks people relate to food smells “Vanilla, chocolate…” (curry, lager), but Katie shoots her down “If you went to a hotel you wouldn’t want to smell food in the room”, making out that us Northerners have never heard of room service.

Over on Summit, Scarily Efficient Gwynneth Paltrow Clone Roisin elects herself uber fuhrer on the strength of knowing about numbers. Roisin is like that bloke out of Perfume who has no smell, so therefore favours incredibly bland scents like “fresh laundry and the beach” and has a “simple, crisp, chic vision” (and unlike me, doesn’t stop to think “Mmmm crisps” half way through that statement). Lindsay who has been banging on about stepping up to the mark, steps back claiming she’s “not best at numbers”. Nurun claims she’s “OK with scent”. “We can all smell” Roisin snaps back before declaring that there should be “no passengers, covering arses or any of that rubbish” on this task.

It’s Market Research time and Lauren and Steven find out that you should never colour wax and you should definitely use soy candles and not paraffin for some bizarre reason. Unfortunately Katie seems to have forgotten she’s sent them out on this fact finding mission and decides to go for paraffin as it’s cheaper and easier to add a colour to, which pisses the Market Research team off no end when they find out.

So at the mad scientists perfumed ponces laboratory in Sussex, Katie is in crazy candle lady heaven as she incites her fellow fragranciers to sniff smelly things (oh for a beaker of pure ammonia like we had at school). “Has anyone smell the grass one?!” she squeals, the only problem being that it gives you the overwhelming urge to smell the biscuit one next. Anyhow she decides arbitrarily on a green tea base with lemon grass and aloe vera. And she wants it to be yellow. All they need is a name. Pamela thinks they need to “denote meaning to the candle”. Nobody suggests Wanky Piss. Lauren likes “Evoke”, Sarah goes for “Lemon Eyes” (because it’s a semicircle away from “Demon Eyes” and she is Satan’s handmaiden), Someone says “Yellow Submarine” and Dan suggests “British Breeze” because “We’re proud of being British” (even though, as it won’t contain soot or corrosive chemicals it has nothing in common with the sort of breeze Smoggie Katie is used to). Bizarrely they all go with Dan’s idea of a UKIP Candle, even though Nick Hewer points out, every ingredient of the scent is 100% foreign. They’ve created a candle full of immigrant scents!

Over on Summit, they’re brainstorming suggestions for their beached linen scent. Mark likes “Smells from the Surf” and even Karen winces at the image of petrol coated turds that evokes. Bianca chooses “Beach Dreams” and they stick it on some baby blue striped packaging and it actually looks kind of classy; if you are a complete mental who puts cushions with buttons on top of a bed for some unholy reason you would buy this.

Roisin carefully works out pricing strategy and suggests offering the product for £15 (which seems low seeing how pricy Yankee fuckin Candles are – sorry I have actually made and sold scented candles so have a vague idea about how much they cost to make) and reducing to £12 if the order is for 40-45 units.

Katie being a home fragger understands that nutters will pay big money for these products and suggests £35 per candle and £25 per diffuser. Ironically she has a better idea than the Irish accountant about margins on this task.
Nurun and Lauren sit back and watch the boys do hard sums about how to mix and make the candles and then watch Sanjay run the production line. Meanwhile James leads a sub sales team to meet Peter Griffin from Family Guy who is managing a posho hotel and manages, despite his “lovable oikiness”, to get him to commit to 25 each of the Beach Dreams candles and reed diffusers.

Daniel meets the boss of the “Home House Member’s Club” with a (urine) sample of “British Breeze” and offers a reduction on “bulk sale”. “What does bulk mean?” asks the beardy boss man, and Daniel suggest it’s up to 50 units. “We only have 21 bedrooms” beardy man reasons, but Daniel’s not budging too much and eventually offers a deal on 30. It’s a classical Mexican candle stand off until Steven politely coughs and offers 25 and Daniel, ironically given the product, looks fucking incensed! He tries to reclaim Alpha Male by then re-offering the bulk deal for 25 items, which is happily accepted, then beasts Steven when they get out. Steven’s adamant that Daniel “intimidated them” (he’s right) and “I saved the pitch” (who knows? Who cares, Steven is, as the yoot say, “jokes”), and Daniel whinges (“You’re deluded mate”).

Next morning the finished products arrived and Roisin’s smug about “Beach Dreams” which comes in tasteful little boxes. Katie’s ecstatic about “British Breeze” despite it turning up without boxes (they turn up later and are suitably None More Black) looking like something you might find in a pub toilet. Lauren’s disappointed by the colour (“I thought it would be creamier”), but Katie reckons “I would buy that” and Pamela pins down the price at maximum of £40 and not below £25.. lowest is £20″. Well that’s er clear.

Roisin wants someone confident with pricing and therefore makes James sub team sales leader. Unfortunately she gives our puppyish Northern entrepreneur massively mixed messages by suggesting she’s happy to go much lower than the agreed price and down to £10 if necessary, without outlining a strategy for when prices should be dropped. “I’ll use my initiative and play it by ear” says James. An unfortunately analogy from a man who doesn’t seem to enjoy listening.

Lauren leads Tenacity’s sub team selling in the city and immediately clashes with Stepford Sarah over the need to put the information stickers onto the candles but not to have a scary fembot do it right in front of potential customers (Sarah “I think customers like seeing people making things” Yes but not you. It might be a trap!). “Please listen” Lauren begs, but Sarah won’t let up whining “I am listening.. you’re so bossy!” Stepford Sarah struggles to sell and blames the prices (although the rest of her sales team seem to manage), but maybe approaching potential customers like a wonky replicant demanding that they “Smell my candle you mutha!” isn’t the best technique.

Karen does a mini card marking on Eager James who has put up a poster declaring RRP £45 at Greenwich Market, when they haven’t actually retailed the products before “So it is misleading”. The thing is I can see how this is just another mixed message to James who promptly goes all geezer barrow boy and starts selling 8 for a quid or something.

Katie’s team deliver their candles to the Home House Members Wankers who immediately start grizzling about the label not being on straight (haven’t these arseholes heard of “rustic”). Ella flails “Sorry, but maybe when you look at it in a room from a distance it’s not necessarily…” she withers under the beardy man’s glare. Fortunately Felipe is on the case and wheezes into the room with a replacement (Felipe says “The customer is always right”) and they close the sale for £500.

Roisin revises her pricing strategy (again) and tells her sales boys they can go as “low as £8” before selling half of her candles and ALL of the reed diffusers (oops) in a nice little gift shop for £8.50 each. Crazy lady. “Now we need smaller amounts sold for higher margins” declares sales drunk Roisin, before adding “I hope the girls get out and push it” (cue shot of poor Nurun trying her best to approach potential customers with a candle and them all scuttling away).

Eager James tries to chivvy poor Lindsay into stopping looking for more labels to stick on things and trying to do some selling, but you can tell she’s given up; “I have tried” she bleats. Let’s face it, James is hardly restricting pricing at his end (“A sale’s a sale; there’s no such thing as a bad profit”) and Karen Brady even clocks some of the team charging only a fiver a candle. I’m starting to suspect that Lindsay is a communist infiltrator bless her.

At an “exclusive” nightclub in Mayfair, Felipe is so impressed that they have candles that he manages to get an order for 50, whilst Ella Jade chips in and flogs a load of diffusers too for a total of £900.

Peter Griffin waits at the “Luxury Hotel” and whilst being surprised that candles can be in square glasses, still agrees to buy them and gets a further reduction for buying more. However he is disappointed at the lack of promised reed diffusers (all sold cheap to the gift shop by Roisin), which he would have probably paid decent money for and Bianca admits “that was an error on our part”.

Roisin needs stock for her next potential sale and discovers James only has 53 candles left and 2 diffusers, so orders him to “Pack up and come to Kensington” which he does, hilariously still flogging smellies on his way out of the market “Two for a tenner!”(“and take my pants with them”) etc. As Bianca’s about to close a deal on two diffusers at a nice shop in Kensington, Roisin interrupts it all to take a call from James who instructs her to “Leave it, we’ll sell more on the street”. And she does. The silly cow.

Lauren has over 100 candles left from the city market so they all up sticks and descend on a pub where Katie tries to persuade the barman that it would smell nice around the bar (Retort: “We like the smell of our beer”) and somehow manages to sell 5.

Eager James is like a mad half man half terrier possessed (think Steven Baldwin in the Usual Suspects, but more of a liability) as he tries to rush another bar man into buying all his motherfucking candles, as though they’re fire damaged or something. Despite this he somehow gets the sale and displays his professionalism by leaping out of the establishment with his “GET IN” fist pumpy madness action in full flow.

Back in the Boardroom, Lord Sugar points out this should have been a simple task and whilst he thinks Summit’s product looked “neat and quality” he’s disappointed by accountant Roisin’s inability to maintain control of the numbers.

He reckons “British Breeze” looks like a glass full of custard though and despairs at Katie’s ignorance towards the market research. Stepford Sarah gets stick for her inabilty to sell at the high end price (“Never mind Aloe Vera, sounds like Goodbye Sarah”).

James starts doing some weirdo swivelling exercises. “What are you doing?” growls Lord Sugar. “Sorry Lord Sugar!” James mumbles.

Anyhow the scores are:

Summit (“Beach Dreams”) Sales £2,177, spend £607 – profit £1569.32
Tenacity (“British Breeze”) Sales £2217, spend £633.26 – profit £1584.09

So Katie’s Tenacity won by £14.77 (and as Sugar points out, with spare stock to sell).

Whilst James stops doing his crazy “I’m fulling of selling energy me” type exercises, Tenacity are sent to a “laxury spa” to strip off and smear things on each other.

Summit hold a erm summit in the Sad Cafe. Roisin looks almost vampirically drains as she blames James for not sticking to margins, Lindsay for only selling one unit and Nurun for not doing much as a “market expert”.
Back in the Boardroom, Sugar reveals that the average selling price for Tenacity was £16, but was only £9 for Summit, suggesting panic selling. James wants to know how much of that was down to trade sales, but Sugar snaps “When I want to talk to you I’ll let you know” which of course means that James could well be this years “Sugar Surrogate Son”.

“You should have been on the money” Sugar berates accountant Roisin, and when Karen grasses up how cheap the diffusers were sold for in the gift shop he declares “it’s like selling caviar in a fish and chip shop”.
James tries to big up his sales prowess, but Sugar’s being a typical unimpressed dad “Any bladdy salesman can sell at half price!”, although Karen does grass Roisin up for saying “you can discount when you want”.

James isn’t helping himself by suggesting Lord Sugar would have done the same (“Young man, please don’t tell me what I would’ve done”, but he does point out Roisin’s inconsistency on the diffusers promised to the hotel for shit loads that she sold for eight quid a pop to the gift shop.

Nurun’s under scrutiny as Roisin’s chosen “Market Expert”. “Hang on a minute” she retorts “I don’t trade in Greenwich. I’m not a market expert in London. I’m from Peterborough here. ” Oh bless her. Doomed.

Lindsay tries to brazen out her role “I helped to create and to sell” but as soon as Mark attacks her as being “just an empty seat” she melts “I know I didn’t do very well… I’m best at sticking to what I know” (oh bless her) and cruelly, but rightly, she is fired for taking up someone else’s space. It’s almost like she threw herself on a sword to get away from some of the wankers amongst the candidates though.

Roisin chooses to bring back Nurun and James, who attempts to endear himself with Lord Sugar (dad!) by stating “What can I say? I’ve worked my absolute balls off” (well you can not say that for a start) and then when Lord Sugar starts trying to help his boy out (“You’re a young man, I admire your enthusiasm, but you need a lot of polishing”) and give him some guidance on Professional Ethics (“It’s not where Southend or Colchester is!”) chooses to play A) THE AGE CARD and B) I’M JUST A BARROW BOY ME CARD (“I was like you when I was my age”; Sugar: “Stop with the like me son, you’re not like me!”)

Lord Sugar tells Nurun that if she had lost last week she would have been gone, and she launches into an insaniac defensive speech “I am not your type A, Over Organised. I am your Type C” (I give up, are you Hepatitis?) “Relentlessly ambitious and erm 100% determined to erm be your business partner erm given the opportunity”. It goes on for a while and makes me sad because I like Nurun and she shouldn’t be reduced to effectively begging for a job in public like this.

James interrupts. “Just shut up!” barks Sugar. “Definitely Lord Sugar”, “You can’t even shut up NOW!” “Sorry”. The more James gets bollocked by Sugar. the squeakier he gets, but predictably, mid-James bollocking, Nurun is fired for just not being up to it, and James is told to just “LISTEN and pick up the bladdy phone” (typical Jewish dad). “Point taken” James whimpers.

In the taxi of eternal regrets, Nurun is only “a bit sad”, which speaks volumes, although she does think “James got lucky”. Oh his time will come.

Back at the house most of the boys are surprised to see James appear and declare “We live to meet again!” (eh!), but he’s a new man now (“Reality check – bit more of this” (points to brain)”bit less of this” (points to mouth) “and I think I’ll be alright”. “We’ve been saying that all along” sigh the boys collectively.

Next week the teams have to create their own online video channel. Which should be the best episode so far. Creativity and egos and idiots. What fun!


Girlfriend don’t even go there:

Roisin (still think she will win)
Eager James (just about)

Jemma (has she actually done anything yet? Maybe she will win by stealth)

Bit of a Dick:

Twathoosive arseholes:-
Stepford Sarah

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert, Scott, Lindsay, Nurun

Replicants Identified So far:-
Roisin (Paltrow Pleasure Model), Sarah (Darryl Hannah/ Grayson Perry Mash-up Model)