Week 2 dawns at an unholy 5.20am, and the remaining 19 twatsecutives have to meet Lord Sugar at Imperial College in 20 minutes, but screw them, I’m on my second blog in two days and already hallucinating flying lizards.

Sarah’s frighteningly already in a full Thatcher outfit (maybe she sleeps in it) and “really hoping the next Project Manager will do as well as er” she thinks she did.

The candidates blink like insomniac meerkats as Lord Sugar instructs them to come up with an innovative idea in wearable technology and pitch it to 3 retailers, with the team with most orders winning.

Robert’s card is clearly marked as Sugar points out as a poncy Shoreditch wankster this task should be up his street (“Whilst I don’t want to choose a Project Manager you may want to think about that”). Robert immediately looks for an way out and suggests to the rest of Summit that he is actually “more luxury high end retail”, before urging Scott to step forward in his stead.

Meanwhile the women have to decide how to replace the divine Decadence of their former team name. Jemma Bird suggests “Tenacity” or “Pursuit” and as long as the team” 100% know what it means”, Tenacity it is. Bianca is revealed to have fashion retail experience, but wimps out by saying she was only issuing orders, not designing. Um. Nurun is then outed for having a scarf stall, and Katie says she “personally thinks” Nurun is the “strongest person”. Clearly terrified of letting people down, poor Nurun volunteers.

The teams get to meet an industry expert, who explains that wearable technology needs to be “beautiful and functional” whilst showing off a miniskirt with flashing LEDs on it, which make it look like an uglier version of Priscilla Presley’s sexy negligee in the Naked Gun films.

Scott, however, doesn’t seem to understand the remit and suggests a device to moniter peoples diets and what’s happening inside their bodies. Nothing sells like knowing your own shit! The boys all start shouting over him, and end up going for Sanjay’s idea of a T-Shirt that changes design according to photos taken on a smartphone.

Tenacity in the meantime go for jackets, as Lindsay informs them that “all women are wearing jackets”. Someone suggests a jacket that changes colour on all occasions and Nurun is too nice to say no. Someone else suggests a jacket with solar panels and a built in mobile phone charger and Nurun is too nice to say no. Someone else suggests a jacket woven from unicorns with a built in breast inflator which would cure the sick. Well you get the picture.

It’s off to the streets for some vainglorious market research, where Bianca interviews Smeeta Smitten Showbiz Kitten, who would frankly adore the idea of a jacket with a lapel that changed colour. Meantimes Katie tells Nurun she would like a jacket with a built in temperature sensor that heats up when you’re cold and resolves the Middle East crisis and Nurun concurs politely. Ella Jade wants the jacket to be magic and have a built in mobile phone charger because that won’t look mental, and Nurun adds it to the list. Biance tries to inject some sanity with her market research results and concerns that they will end up with a garment that is trying to be “all things to all people”. Nurun adds “be all things to all people to the list”. Unfortunately the design man informs them they are only allowed 4 innovative ideas per jacket and Nurun is forced to make the decision. Only for Bianca to ask how the inbuit solar panels will work from under the material. Um…

Sanjay runs the focus group and calls back to Robert (who appears to be backseat driving and insists “What you’ve found, we’re resonating with”). All the other blokes suddenly realise Robert is a massive tool and Scott is a useless Hibernian lump, but Dan warns them not to “stoop to their level”. Unfortunately the designer tells the lads that the selfie friendly T shirt has already been done when they were 4 (James moans “we spent the last half a day on that idea!” Oh the humanity!) , so they have to either just have LEDs scattered around the garment (which would be shit) or come up with something else (which will probably also be shit). James comes up with the idea of adding a little camera to the sweatshirt to record one’s daily movements, and the designer (sick bastard) says that this is do-able. Sanjay redeems the LEDs by requesting that they be arranged to flash and say “On Air” whilst the nonce, I mean wearer, is filming playgrounds or ladies toilets. Scott has somehow forgotten the first rule of teamwork (whilst you’re away everyone will call you a cunt).

The boys take delivery of the “Emotishirt”, and although Felipe thinks the flashing lights are a bit too “Christmas Tree”; Nick Hewer is frankly gobsmacked that the men may have come up with an idea that isn’t actually as shit as Lord Sugar’s email phones. Still Dan muties against Scott, who’s already starting to take on an unfortunate David Moyes pallour. Rob gets some stick for backseat driving and not leading, but he insists he’s all about Super Luxury High End Fashion when in reality he’s all about being a super, deluxe massive bell end.

Sadly the girls get a Dear John letter from their designers explaining there’s been a delay in producing the prototypes, so it looks like they’ll have to pitch blind (having seen the prototyoe this would be a blessing). Finally the “Little Smart Jacket” arrives complete with Alexis Carrington on speed shoulder solar panel, which all the girls bitch about apart from the ever cheery Jemma (“It could just look like stripes”).

Social Media Specialist Solomon (the team think this means he is a Sheldon Cooperesque Man of Science) delivers the first pitch to the famously lootable sports outlet, explaining they didn’t want a hidden camera top “which might be a bit creepy”.

Ella pitches that “this garment essentially solves 3 problems; The British Weather, Charging Your Phone and helping you attract someone you like, as long as they are a bit insane. Sarah of curse does the modelling, forcing the blokes from JD sports to feel her suspiciously pert mummified boobs and in turn feel “Slightly awkward”.

Daniel is a self appointed “Selling Machine” yet somehow manages to pitch that he would never go out and about in a public place in this product (“Yes it does look a bit Christmassy, Yes it does make me look like a nonce, Yes I wouldn’t be seen dead in it” is a new sales technique on me). James intervenes heplfully by suggesting you could film your mates at the pub and Daniel stupidly totally misses this helping hand (“He’d do that; I wouldn’t”). On the way to John Lewis (as though they should ever get any more advertising after that xmas ad), Scott asks Daniel how the pitch went. “Outstanding” fibs Daniel and Mark grasses him up. Dan justifies himself by claiming that he said he wouldn’t wear the Emotishirt in a public place at NIGHT”. Oh yes, the daytime would be just fine. In a park, outside a school, nothing weird about it”.

Nurun pitching is like watching a hamster dying. She’s asked if the solar channels on the jacket would charge the phone battery. She isn’t sure. Correct answer would have been “Well the way they look, they had fucking better”.

Scott splits the last pitch amongst his team, but suddenly Robert is Mr Leadership and keeps interrupting yelling scary things like “Privacy is History!”

Back in the boadroom, Jemma Bird is full of herself for suggesting Tenacity, but poor Nurun gets flack for her lamearse leadership, although as she points out, running an Asian scarf stall hardly qualified her for the role (“If it was a turban with a cold regulartor or a burka that changes colour, that would be my remit”). Bianca gets called out for stitching Nurun up, given her background in fashion.

Rob is confronted over his failure to rise to Lord Sugar’s challenge, but he’s above this task (“The High Street isn’t the area I want to go into business in… if the price was £5K”; Sugar: I think you bottled it”).

Time to compare Orders:-
John Lewis didn’t order off either team, with the girls jacket needing too many modifications and the boy’s product being “questionable”. JD Sports also failed to order. Finally the online retailer, used to getting money for old rope, ordered 250 of the girls products, despite hating them (maybe they were pissed, lets face it that’s how we order online products) and amazingly there’s still no orders for the boys.

The girls win by an inch, and Sarah and Lindsay especially get their cards marked. They’re all sent to fly above Surrye Docks in jetpacks whilst David Blunket goes Clay Pigeon shooting at their arses.

Back in the Bridge cafe, the boys sip at their polysterene cups of despair . Mark explains how their concept was wrong (“It was a camera in a grey jumper”; which probably works for paedos).

In the boardroom, Dan’s pitch comes in for stick, but he insists he corrected himself. Never mind Tenacity, James is like a terrier on Dan’s case. But rather brilliantly Lord Sugar doesn’t even wait for Scott to decide who to bring back and randomly fires Robert just to wipe the smirk off his beard.

In the taxi of eternal damnation, Rober justifies refusing to have leadership thrust upon him by explaining again how he’s into “Luxury fashion.. it’s like saying you can ride a canoe, but can you ride a £250 luxury yacht off Cannes”. Actually neither Robert. You paddle or sail them. Twat.

Scott meantime dithers who to bring back, and Karen loses her rag with him (“If you spent less time covering your arse might get names”) so after he brings Daniel (for being shit at pitching to anyone who isn’t a senile old lady) and Solomon (for knowing about the internet, which is sort of technology: “I think I’m being jumped on here”) Sugar just fires him too, despite Scott insisting for the umpeenth time of the day that he has “Put his balls on the line”. Well Lord Sugar has just danced on those balls. Brilliant.

The rest of the “shambles” are sent back to the house, with Solomon recognised for having some good ideas but being told to man up.

“I dan’t know what’s going on with these boys” moans Sugar ” but they need to pull their socks up”.
Back at the house, Dan can’t resist bitching at James (“Happy to see me?”) and blows him a triumphant kiss. Oh James has to get to wave goodbye to Daniel first.

Next week the teams produce Home Fragrance Products. So that’s Bullshit by Tenacity and Desperation by Summit. Get your Christmas orders in now.


Roisin (I still think she’s evil though, which means she will probably win)


Missing his Sass Tonight:

Bit of a Dick:

Still a huge TWAT:-
Stepford Sarah

Bye Bye:-
Chiles, Robert